It has now come to my attention that he is looking at child porn, and yes it’s real. I’m at a loss on what to do about it. I’ve been searching everywhere on what I should do and I keep seeing the pendulum swing in two extremes of “I should get over it” or “I should just divorce.” Aside from the sexual shortcomings, he’s an amazing person which is why divorce doesn’t seem like an attractive solution. But sex addiction counseling and anti-depression medication he’s on to “help” with his problem is not, in fact, helping him. I needed a completely neutral person to help out with this since I understand the legal implications behind child porn so I can’t ask advice from friends or family. There are other problems with the marriage but this one is what is keeping me held up on what I should do immediately.
The summary of what I am asking directly:
What should I do about the child porn viewing?
Is this marriage worth saving? (I want an actual opinion not that blanket remark of “Only you know if it’s worth saving.”)
Are all men like this and is this what I have to look forward to if I move on? — Lost in Pornucopia
Good God, woman, get yourself to a divorce attorney immediately!! No, this marriage is not worth saving (and I never ever say that lightly). You’ve been dealing with the same problem since you married six years ago and it has only gotten worse. Marriage counseling has not helped. Addiction counseling has not helped. Anti-depression meds have not helped. And now you’ve found child pornography in your husband’s possession (which is a crime, by the way, as I’m sure you realize). If there was ever a time to scream MOA from the rafters this is it. Get out of this situation before you find yourself in hotter water than you already are.
Your husband may be “amazing” in many ways, but he has a sickness that prevents him from being the husband you need him to be. You’ve had six years to decide whether that’s a dealbreaker or not and it seems like you know the answer — you only wish it weren’t so. But, honey, it’s so. It’s so! And, no, not every man has the same sickness as your husband. Not by a long shot. Not even close. No one is perfect, of course. Every man — and woman — will have flaws, but I promise you on my unborn baby’s life, an interest in child porn and an addiction to pornography in general to the point that it supersedes any intimacy with one’s spouse is absolutely, positively not the norm.
Get yourself to a divorce attorney right away. Tell him or her about the child pornography you’ve found in your husband’s possession. You will be advised from someone who knows a lot more than I do about these kinds of things how to proceed. What you’re dealing with here is very serious and you need to make your own protection and preservation a top priority. That includes protecting your reputation and assets, which an attorney can help you with. You are dealing with much, much more than “sexual shortcomings” of your husband, and this is not something you can just “get over.” How in the world would you ever “get over” finding child pornography in your husband’s possession?! Not only would it be psychologically impossible, but it would be morally reprehensible. You owe yourself — and society — the favor of getting out of this marriage and alerting the proper authorities of your husband’s behavior. If you don’t, you are enabling crime against children. And more than existing in a sexually bankrupt marriage for the past six years, I’d think that would be one thing you really couldn’t live with.
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