Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Afternoon Quickies: “My Husband is Running Around With a Younger Woman”

My husband of nearly 19 years and I were separated but close to reconciling when, after an argument, he met a girl on Tinder, 15 years younger than I am but quite unattractive. Within two weeks, she sent ovulation charts, declared undying love, talked of lying in graves in a hundred years, booked a trip to Bali and moved into the hotel he was staying at at the time. Now after six months of seeing each other on weekends only, she has moved into his room in a shared house.

My therapist is utterly convinced she has BPD, and, having read dozens of articles, I agree. He texts me morning till night saying he misses me and his girls and that “it’s not that he doesn’t want my love anymore, it’s just complicated.” Initially, he said this girl made him so happy, he was so in love, and he was over me. And even though he has cheated on her 30 times with me, he told me he would divorce me if I told her. Now he says things like he thinks about me first and last thing everyday but is involved with someone he doesn’t want to hurt.

Is there a time-frame where things will start to get ugly with her? I really want my husband back and I’m beginning to think he has become trapped. Last night, he texted me that he wanted to go dancing. He then chatted to me via text all through the evening. He said he went out alone and was drinking dirty martinis (“our drink” since we first dated), not something he has alone. He said he got one that wasn’t very good and missed me being there to give the barman a talking to. He kept messaging till 2 a.m. and said we should go out when he comes up for Christmas holidays.

He is driving me nuts. I know he loves me, but when will he stop this? — Driven Crazy By Estranged Husband

Your husband sounds nuts and like he met his match in this crazy woman with the ovulation charts and side-by-side graves and undying love. One thing he isn’t though is trapped. Listen, he is CHOOSING to stay away from you. He is CHOOSING to continue this weird whatever kind of relationship he has going on with his nutjob girlfriend. And you, my dear, are CHOOSING to sit around waiting for him to come to his senses, leave the crazy lady and come home to you. Has your waiting around and sleeping with him and texting him in the meantime worked so far? No? Then perhaps it’s time to change tactics. If I were you, I’d QUIT sleeping with him immediately. And I’d quit texting him at any time of the day, let alone until 2 a.m. Stop making it so easy for him to have his cake and eat it too.

Is he visiting you for Christmas? If so, why? Do you have kids together you didn’t mention? If so, work out some sort of visitation where he gets to spend time with them but not with you too. Let him know that, if he wants to see you, he will STOP seeing the other woman, or any other woman for that matter, and re-commit to you and your marriage. Until he is ready to do that, he doesn’t get to enjoy your company and companionship. Give him six months to recommit to you (and I’d recommend marriage counseling at that point) and, if he doesn’t, file for divorce and MOA. Your husband has shown you he is neither emotionally nor physically available to you in a committed way, so stop being available to him whenever he wants you.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

15 comments… add one
  • bondbabe

    bondbabe December 18, 2014, 3:54 pm

    A thousand times, yes, Wendy!!! And…I certainly hope you are using condoms when you’re boning your husband who is so helpless. Stringing you along, girl….

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    ktfran December 18, 2014, 4:01 pm

    This line “he texts me morning till night saying he misses me and his girls” made me assume they had daughters together? I dunno? I still wholeheartedly agree with Wendy. Everyone in this scenario is a little crazy. Get some self respect and MOA already. Like, yesterday.

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  • veritek33

    veritek33 December 18, 2014, 4:03 pm

    I just can’t with this. I just can’t.

    Honey, he’s scum. Please move on.

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    • avatar

      Kate December 18, 2014, 4:13 pm

      What can’t you with? The ovulation charts?

      My neighbor once – unsolicited – gave me a book on tracking ovulation. I wonder if it was this lady.

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    • Diablo

      Diablo December 19, 2014, 9:44 am

      yeah, I’m with you veritek. Why would you even want this douche back? Cutting off sex to browbeat him into returning strikes me as losing your own game. If he comes back, then what? Wait until he finds another head case 15 years his junior to humiliate you with? I say cut him off full stop and start working out child support.

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  • CurlyQue

    CurlyQue December 18, 2014, 4:09 pm

    Def. agree with Wendy! LW you are focusing too much on this other lady. Why would you and your therapist try to figure out what issues she has? She’s entranced by your husband who is obviously much older than herself. Your husband is the one who decided to be in this situation AND to stay in this situation. Stop letting him treat you BOTH like crap and tell him to make a choice or you’ll pick divorce.

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  • othy

    othy December 18, 2014, 4:31 pm

    “My therapist is utterly convinced that she has BPD”. You are spending far too much time talking about this girl in therapy, and not enough time focusing on yourself. I also see two ways this went down. Either the therapist is spending time diagnosing this woman or your therapist mentioned something once in passing and you clung to it. If it’s the former, you really need to find a new therapist who focuses on your issues, rather than the woman your husband is leaving you for. Or, if it’s the latter, you really need to try to re-focus your therapy on yourself and what you can be doing to place more value in your self-worth. Because if you keep letting your husband treat you this way, it’s an area you need to work on.

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      bostonpupgal December 19, 2014, 12:06 pm

      Yeahh I’m going to agree with this. A good therapist absolutely does not diagnose someone she’s/he’s never met based on descriptions from a third party, in this case the LW, who may not have even met this girl herself. It’s great you are in counseling LW, but it’s time to focus on you and not your jerk husband or his lover. If your therapist isn’t moving you away from this situation and into a healthier state, then it’s time to find a new one. If you aren’t making progress away from your toxic husband, you need to start

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph December 22, 2014, 10:58 am

        EXACTLY. Your therapist sounds like an unprofessional quack if she’s diagnosing this woman based on your retelling of events (let’s not forget there are multiple sides to every story and your therapist only has yours, which sounds like mostly hearsay via your husband) and then telling you about said faux-diagnosis. Find a new therapist. A licensed one. (If your current therapist is licensed, put in a complaint to the licensing board because this is seriously not ok.)

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. December 18, 2014, 5:05 pm

    He says he’ll divorce you? Save him the trouble and divorce him first. This guy is a dirtbag.

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  • Bubbles

    Bubbles December 18, 2014, 5:31 pm

    Ugh! Seriously? Lady, dump his ass. DUMP. HIS. ASS. And while you’re at it, get a little self-respect for yourself and for the love of god, please become someone your girls will admire and respect!

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  • carriedactyl

    carriedactyl December 19, 2014, 9:00 am

    DTMFA!

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  • avatar

    karenwalker December 19, 2014, 3:38 pm

    You need to find a new therapist. Your therapist shouldn’t indulge your discussions about your ex coming back to you. Your therapist should help you move on from a man who is doing you no good.

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  • avatar

    jilliebean December 21, 2014, 7:42 pm

    I’m too depressed about the possibility that these two are parents to even think about answering this question.

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    • avatar

      jilliebean December 21, 2014, 7:44 pm

      Maybe they don’t have kids. Maybe “his girls” are her breasts which in this case would be preferable to them having actual children.

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