My therapist is utterly convinced she has BPD, and, having read dozens of articles, I agree. He texts me morning till night saying he misses me and his girls and that “it’s not that he doesn’t want my love anymore, it’s just complicated.” Initially, he said this girl made him so happy, he was so in love, and he was over me. And even though he has cheated on her 30 times with me, he told me he would divorce me if I told her. Now he says things like he thinks about me first and last thing everyday but is involved with someone he doesn’t want to hurt.
Is there a time-frame where things will start to get ugly with her? I really want my husband back and I’m beginning to think he has become trapped. Last night, he texted me that he wanted to go dancing. He then chatted to me via text all through the evening. He said he went out alone and was drinking dirty martinis (“our drink” since we first dated), not something he has alone. He said he got one that wasn’t very good and missed me being there to give the barman a talking to. He kept messaging till 2 a.m. and said we should go out when he comes up for Christmas holidays.
He is driving me nuts. I know he loves me, but when will he stop this? — Driven Crazy By Estranged Husband
Your husband sounds nuts and like he met his match in this crazy woman with the ovulation charts and side-by-side graves and undying love. One thing he isn’t though is trapped. Listen, he is CHOOSING to stay away from you. He is CHOOSING to continue this weird whatever kind of relationship he has going on with his nutjob girlfriend. And you, my dear, are CHOOSING to sit around waiting for him to come to his senses, leave the crazy lady and come home to you. Has your waiting around and sleeping with him and texting him in the meantime worked so far? No? Then perhaps it’s time to change tactics. If I were you, I’d QUIT sleeping with him immediately. And I’d quit texting him at any time of the day, let alone until 2 a.m. Stop making it so easy for him to have his cake and eat it too.
Is he visiting you for Christmas? If so, why? Do you have kids together you didn’t mention? If so, work out some sort of visitation where he gets to spend time with them but not with you too. Let him know that, if he wants to see you, he will STOP seeing the other woman, or any other woman for that matter, and re-commit to you and your marriage. Until he is ready to do that, he doesn’t get to enjoy your company and companionship. Give him six months to recommit to you (and I’d recommend marriage counseling at that point) and, if he doesn’t, file for divorce and MOA. Your husband has shown you he is neither emotionally nor physically available to you in a committed way, so stop being available to him whenever he wants you.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.