Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Husband Wants to Go To a Destination Bachelor Party Two Weeks Before Our Baby’s Due”

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I have been with my husband for about six years and we are expecting our first child at the end of next month. Our close friends are getting married in a different city the day before my due date, so, since my husband cannot go to the wedding, he really wants to attend the bachelor party, which is two weeks before my due date and in another state.

I understand that my husband wants to celebrate with his friend whom he has known for years, but being left alone for a weekend two weeks before the baby is due makes me uneasy. Last night, he spoke with his friends and came home to let me know that he didn’t think the baby would come that early but that if I do go into labor, he would drive to the airport and hop on a plane to get to me.

I don’t want to be alone knowing the baby could come at any moment, but I also don’t want to take this opportunity away from my husband. But the fact that he wants to go on this trip really hurts.

Do you think it’s fair to ask him to only go to the bachelor party for one day instead of the whole weekend or should I be okay with him being away since we don’t even know if our baby will be arriving during the days that he would be gone? — Due Date Conflict

Most doctors recommend — some insist — that women do not travel in the last few weeks of pregnancy because it’s very common for babies to come early (and if the woman can’t travel because the chance of labor is too great, then why should her partner?). I, myself, have had two babies who each came two weeks early (my first came more than two weeks early and my labor was three hours long from the first contraction to holding him in my arms — certainly not long enough for anyone to hop on a plane and come pick me up). A due date is a guess — an approximation, and it can easily be a few weeks off. Not only that, but a baby will come when it damn well wants to come, even if a due date is exactly nine months from the conception date. Your husband and his friends saying they don’t think the baby will come early doesn’t make it so, and, frankly, I’d have some serious reservations about co-parenting with a person who is so cavalier and selfish about something like this. Partying with his buddies is more important than making sure he’s as close to you as possible when your due date is imminent? I mean, what the fuck?

I don’t want to scare you or scare anyone else who might be pregnant and reading this, but a lot can go wrong in the final weeks of pregnancy (or at any time during a pregnancy, actually). I was hospitalized three times with complications in the final trimesters of my two pregnancies and, if my husband had been at a weekend party with his buddies a couple states away, I would have been up shit creek. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have figured out a way to get myself to the hospital, or that you couldn’t do the same if you were on your own and needed medical attention (for labor or anything else), but why be put in that position, which is already so emotionally-charged, if it isn’t necessary? And I hardly consider a bachelor party a necessity.

If telling your husband that you prefer he skip the party and reminding him that, after 37 weeks, a baby is considered “full-term,” is expected to come any time, and that you don’t want to be left alone when there’s a solid chance you could go into labor doesn’t convince him to stay home, then bring him to your next OB appointment and have him ask your doctor what she or he thinks about his taking off for a weekend two weeks before your due date. Of course, any doctor with half a brain will tell him he’s an idiot for even considering this (well, she may not use the word “idiot,” but I will) and hopefully he will listen to her. But, frankly, the idea that he won’t listen to YOU and isn’t concerned about YOUR needs and making sure you feel safe and secure is worrisome. Is this a taste of how he’ll be as a parent? Putting his own desires ahead of his family’s well-being? You need to address this with him ASAP and let him know now that that kind of thinking is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. If he wants to go on a boys’ weekend a few months after the baby comes, great! I whole-heartedly believe that parents should take regular breaks, enjoy a change of scenery, and re-charge. But two weeks before your baby’s due date is not the time for that.

Finally: you are not “taking away this opportunity” from him. It’s called being a responsible adult — making decisions that aren’t always fun or your personal preference for the benefit and good of the whole group or family. If he’s about to be a dad in a few weeks, it’s high time he started practicing this concept.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

155 comments… add one
  • becboo84

    becboo84 March 24, 2016, 8:36 am

    Statistically speaking, with your first pregnancy, assuming it has been a healthy pregnancy thus far, it is fairly unlikely that you’ll go before 38 or 39 weeks; however, your husband is still 100% in the wrong for trying to make you feel like the bad guy, and I agree entirely with Wendy’s general sentiment. Even if the bachelor party was only an hour or two away, I assume he’ll be sh*t faced large parts of the weekend, and definitely not in the condition to get to you quickly and help/support you through the delivery.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki March 24, 2016, 9:19 am

      Yeah I was told all that “you won’t go early” blah blah blah… I had mine at 37 weeks. So don’t listen to the statistics LW (or your husband and his friends). Something like 90% of first pregnancies go past their due date. But, that’s still an awful lot of them that don’t.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 24, 2016, 3:58 pm

        Haha, I was the first born kid and was over two weeks late (they induced my mom), but I remember being the anomaly among our family and friends.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 24, 2016, 11:18 am

      My first was eight days early.

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    • avatar

      Amy Jarrett March 24, 2016, 2:41 pm

      My first was 3 weeks early.

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    • avatar

      mertlej March 24, 2016, 3:41 pm

      5 weeks early

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  • avatar

    RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 8:53 am

    After I read this I started looking up stats on the probability of giving birth 2 weeks early, but then I realized, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what the probability is. The only thing that matters is what happens to you specifically, and that’s something you can’t know. All you know at this point is that the baby *could* come early. Maybe it’s only a 10% chance, but so what? If you’re in that 10% you’ll be alone when the baby comes.

    If it were me, I’d ask him not to go. You don’t need that extra stress on top of being pregnant and having an impending birth. And I think you’re right to be upset. I’m in a somewhat similar situation where we’ve asked my MIL to take care of our son when I go into labour, and she agreed. Then after that, she booked a trip overseas and will be returning exactly 2 weeks before my due date. She’s taking my SIL too, who is the only other family we have in town, so now we have no one to take my son if I go into labour when she’s gone. And yeah, my husband is super pissed, and I’m stressed because we don’t have a good plan now, just a patchwork of friends who all work and have their own kids and *might* be able to help out if we need them, depending on timing. If it were my husband behaving this way, I’d be furious, honestly.

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    • avatar

      Rod April 1, 2016, 8:57 pm

      Wow what do people do when they don’t have family in town. Sorry your family will help you but No one I repeat No One has to out their life on hold for your decisions. The child could be two wks late. Where are those stats! Contact local day and night care and babysitting firms for back up in case you happen to need them. The sense of entitlement to take over other folks lives is ridiculous. Your husband would have been really pissed if instead his family said no to helping because we might go on a trip towards the end of the pregnancy and can’t commit.

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  • avatar

    WCGreen March 24, 2016, 8:59 am

    If the husband regularly traveled for his job, would he be expected to take vacation, take unpaid leave, or quit in order to stay at home the weeks before the baby is due?

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 9:02 am

      What’s your point? That apples and oranges are the same thing?

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh March 24, 2016, 9:15 am

      Actually I know quite a few partners who do schedule it so that their travel stops a few weeks before the due date. Obviously this can’t happen for every job. But, if you can change something like that, why would you want to risk missing the birth of your child?

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 24, 2016, 9:17 am

      If the woman traveled for her job, she would be expected to stop traveling in the weeks leading up to the due date, so I fail to see how it would be different for her partner.

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      • avatar

        WCGreen March 24, 2016, 10:47 am

        Difference–the pregnant woman who travels risks her child’s life; the man does not.

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      • call-me-hobo

        call-me-hobo March 24, 2016, 11:10 am

        Here’s my thing- Pregnancy, while very common, is still dangerous. Infant and maternal mortality, while low in the US, are still a possibility. It’s the LW’s first child and she’s nervous. The husband is her partner, and believe it or not, they will both be equally parents when the baby comes.

        This is an instance where the husband is travelling for work, or trying to see a dying friend or relative. This is the husband deciding to go out of state for a party. Even if he gets on a plane IMMEDIATELY after her water breaks, there’s no guarantee that he’ll get there in time to witness the birth (I think Wendy knows a thing or two about quick labors).

        And I’m not saying this to freak out the LW, but absolutely WORST CASE scenario, that there is some sort of birth complications, if I was the husband and I missed the brief window of my child’s life so I could go drinking with my buddies, I would never forgive myself.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 11:27 am

        I said similar below. The baby could die, the mother could die. Sure, the chances are very low, but they are there. What if he never got to say goodbye to his wife? Is that worth a bachelor party?

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph March 24, 2016, 12:24 pm

        Yeah maybe the risk to the child’s life is LESS for the man traveling than the woman, but it’s not zero. If the woman goes into labor and cannot get to the hospital in time both she and her baby could die. Which is part of why a woman flying close to her due date is a bad idea.
        The husband being there to drive to the hospital, to call 911, to assist her giving birth if she has to do it at home could be the difference between life and death for the mother, the baby, or both. And as others say, the statistics don’t matter. If it’s only 1 in a million babies that dies that way, if your baby is that one that’s all that matters in that moment.

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    • avatar

      MissDre March 24, 2016, 9:33 am

      There’s also a pretty big difference between a JOB, which puts money in your wallet, food on your table, a roof over your head, diapers on your baby, etc…. and a PARTY where you’re just going for fun to get drunk with your buddies.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse March 24, 2016, 9:41 am

      He can take leave, or not travel the weeks before. That’s not unreasonable, unrealistic or even out of the ordinary. The OB could even approve FMLA for it.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros March 24, 2016, 4:39 pm

      Work (which you are required to do in order to afford things like food and shelter) and a bachelor party are very different priority levels. I think it’s pretty obtuse to suggest that not attending a bachelor party is anywhere similar to quitting your job. Regardless, yes, many employers do account for the fact that an employee who travels often may not always be able to travel. For example, if they are sick or have surgery or have a death in the family. They generally have people who work with them, called co-workers, who can fill in or trips can be postponed.

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  • avatar

    pbjtime March 24, 2016, 9:06 am

    I am on the flip side of this — my husband had a similar event 2.5 weeks before our first baby was due. He doesn’t get to see his old friends often, and I knew the baby arrived he would see them even less. He offered to stay home, but I encouraged him to go and eventually he agreed, with the caveat that he’d drive to the airport immediately if anything was happening at home. (I was relying on the “first labors take a long time” to make me feel good about this arrangement.) It helped that my OB/GYN just before we left noted that it didn’t seem like baby would make his way out for awhile (no dilation etc). In our case the baby didn’t come for three more weeks, so that makes this all easy to say, but I was glad he had his last hurrah and a chance to catch up with old friends. Selfishly I was also glad for one last solo weekend before plunging into parenthood 🙂

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    • lynn

      Lynn March 24, 2016, 9:24 am

      Aw, see I think I would react the way you did and encourage him to go. I don’t care to stress about “what ifs.” My life has been much better since I stopped thinking that way.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy March 24, 2016, 10:14 am

        But what if the “what if” isn’t far-fetched at all, but a very reasonable possibility (a quick google search indicated that something like 25% of women deliver more than two weeks before their due date)? It’s one thing not to stress about something you have no control over, but it’s irresponsible not to plan for something that you do have some control over and that has a 15-25% chance of occurring.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna March 24, 2016, 10:20 am

        Absolutely. Some “what ifs” need to be considered. Ignoring a 15-25% likelihood is simply not reasonable (unless LW is cool with maybe giving birth alone, but it doesn’t sound like it).

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      • courtney89

        Courtney March 24, 2016, 10:16 am

        Same here, i think i would actually have that reaction too.

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      • avatar

        pbjtime March 24, 2016, 10:55 am

        I understand what you’re saying. However, even assuming the numbers are correct, they would take in to account the cumulative possibilities of having a baby on any day before 38 weeks. It is more accurate to say the baby has a 1-2% chance of coming on any given day that is around 38 weeks (so 3-6% if the trip were for 3 days). Still a possibility – and I totally understand if someone is uncomfortable with that – but it’s not nearly so dire!

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 12:45 pm

        But if she’s in that 3-6%, then the probabilities don’t really matter. If it happens, and she has to give birth alone, I don’t think she’ll be reassuring herself with the fact that it was improbable.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne March 24, 2016, 11:41 am

      Here’s the thing though. This LW DOESN’T feel this way. So the fact that you did is kind of a moot point. Being 2 months out from my due date myself, I don’t think I’d want my husband too far away at any point between now and then. If something happened at all, I would be very uncomfortable without him by my side. And that’s all that really matters. It’s a matter of how this LW feels not how those who feel the opposite would be.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 11:53 am

        Exactly.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 24, 2016, 11:59 am

        Not fa nothin but, my dad wasn’t there when my brother was born, and he told me years ago he believes my brother was switched with another baby. Just another reason to play it safe.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 24, 2016, 12:03 pm

        I can vouch for this – Kate is NOT joking.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 12:42 pm

        My mom thinks her brother was switched too. There’s a family that grew up down the street from them – they all have dark hair, dark eyes and olive skin. Her family’s all light hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. Well that family had a baby around the same time as my mom’s brother was born, in the same hospital. They ended up with a blond, blue-eyed, fair-skinned baby, whereas my uncle has brown hair, brown eyes, and olive skin. So, yeah. Probably a switch.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 24, 2016, 12:49 pm

        Wow! See, it happens. In my mom’s case, they put her in a room with a 13-year-old girl who was giving birth to probably an incestuous baby. My mom was 23 and looked younger and wasn’t wearing a traditional wedding band and it was 1972 and they thought she was an unwed mom.

        My brother is SUPER short, shorter than me, and he has this full head of luxurious hair, no recession, no grey, while my grandfather on my mom’s side was bald in his 20s (my dad lost his hair early too, though I know that gene comes from the mom’s side). And none of us have a lot of hair. There are a bunch of other things too, but those are the PC ones to mention.

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      • kare

        kare March 24, 2016, 3:50 pm

        If I thought this had happened, I would probably do a DNA test on the sly. Not that it would change anyone’s family status, but it would be good to know to try to seek out medical history and everything. Plus I would just want to know for curiosity’s sake.

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      • avatar

        docid March 24, 2016, 7:05 pm

        When my mother was in the hospital after giving birth to me, the nurse brought her some other baby. My mother wouldn’t accept the child, told her that it wasn’t her child. Apparently I had pink hair when I was born, and the child the nurse tried to hand her didn’t.

        The nurse walked back out with the baby, and they eventually brought me to my mother. Because the nurse was wearing a surgical mask, my mother couldn’t identify her.

        So, yeah, I almost was switched with another baby in the hospital. It was years ago, there’s better security now, and everything turned out OK.

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      • avatar

        SimontheGrey March 24, 2016, 11:22 pm

        Preach this.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros March 24, 2016, 4:41 pm

      I think the difference here is that your husband actually valued your opinion and wanted to do the right thing, whatever that might be.

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    • avatar

      Sketchee March 24, 2016, 6:41 pm

      I think that is a beautiful perspective and perfectly valid. And while it makes sense that you felt that way, it also makes sense that the LW could feel how she feels. There are always different opinions and personalities, the LW’s husband married her and I think it’s reasonable for him to take her specific opinion into account. I know you’re sharing your story and I appreciated hearing it a different view! =)

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana March 24, 2016, 9:12 am

    This is hard because I feel like if I were in a couple where I wasn’t bearing the burden of having a kid, but my partner was, I would kind of want to go on the bachelor party. I get its ill timed and selfish, but it is possible that the dad to be has a lot of things going on in their mind and maybe they (wrongly) think this is their last time to have “fun” before their life “ends”. I know this is all wrong, but a lot of dudes hear shit like this from friends or family who are already dad’s and it really impacts them. Instead of just being mad at your husband or thinking he is an idiot for even contemplating this, you could use this as a really valuable opportunity to talk about the upcoming change that both of you are about to experience. Honestly, he probably just doesn’t really *get* it on the same level. I would probably ask that my husband not go, but not without really talking about the decision, why this is important, and maybe just seeing if he is feeling any of the things mentioned above? I feel like since women are the ones who go through the entire trial of pregnancy and child birth they sort of get it a bit more because its happening to them. Dads are just expected to go with it and be there and supportive and not have really a ton of feelings on it all since its not directly happening to their bodies. I am not saying your husband is right to want to go, and I do think he should stay home, but I am also not going to automatically be like, he is a dick and you should see this as some red flag. Honestly, it doesn’t sound from your letter you have voiced your concerns much, if at all, and I think that is probably a crucial first step here.

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      RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 9:27 am

      I agree that she needs to voice her concerns, and this is why I would have been furious in the same situation, as I mentioned above. Because throughout my first pregnancy, I communicated to my husband how frightened I was, and worried, and how much I needed him there. So if he’d known all that and then just decided to take off, it would have been a huge slap in the face to me. Maybe other women don’t feel that they really need their partner there and communicate that, and then it’s fine if the husband goes. But it sounds like this LW really wants her partner there, so why doesn’t he know that already? This should have been communicated throughout, especially because it helps to make the father feel like part of the process. If she hasn’t done that, then she better start. And if she HAS been communicating to him and he knows that she needs him there, then he’s being a huge dick.

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    • avatar

      jnsunique March 25, 2016, 7:09 am

      When I was pregnant the first time my partner really feared his loss of “fun time.” He did some mildly jerky things like avoiding me on weekends by going drinking with friends at bars (very frequently). There’s some cultural shit I really hate concerning the stereotype/pattern that women run families and men lose all free agency and never get to have “fun” ever again. That’s another topic, but it’s fair to reassure the husband that there will be future bachelor parties and other times to get wasted with old friends. It isn’t his last chance!

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  • lynn

    Lynn March 24, 2016, 9:22 am

    I don’t know… Do you have family nearby that could take you to the hospital if you went into labor? I’m only asking because I figure, if he misses the birth of his own child, that’s his fault and he will have to deal with those feelings himself. IMO, I don’t think I would really care if he went because I don’t like thinking about “what ifs”… what if the baby comes early, what if the baby doesn’t come early. The baby will come when they want to come, whether he’s in town or you’re at the grocery or whatever. You can’t control the timing, and honestly, I would stop stressing about it… that won’t help the situation. Maybe I feel that way because (not a comparison at all!!! It’s not AT ALL the same) my best friend asked me to not go to a destination wedding because it was two weeks before her wedding and “what if she needed me” for something. I almost shit a brick and said sorry I’m going. Anyway, if you really don’t want him to go, then talk to him about it and ask him how he would feel if you had the baby without him there?

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 24, 2016, 10:15 am

      Yeah, not the same thing at all.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 24, 2016, 11:43 am

        I can’t believe it was even brought up as a point of comparison, caveat or no.

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        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 11:55 am

        I’m shaking my head. Obviously, this person doesn’t have kids.

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      • lynn

        Lynn March 24, 2016, 12:24 pm

        You’re right, I don’t have kids, so I really can’t even think the way the LW must be thinking or imagine how the LW must be feeling. But honestly, I wasn’t trying to compare. I was explaining why I may feel the way I feel, but had to note it’s not a comparison because I figured it may come across that way… which it did. Not really what I wanted everyone to focus on because I really do think she needs to express how she’s feeling to her husband and pose those questions to him about how would he feel if she did go into labor. And if he’s being dick, then there’s a problem. I didn’t mean to offend folks that do have children or are pregnant and have or haven’t had their partner by their sides.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh March 24, 2016, 10:23 am

      I’m surprised at how many people wouldn’t worry that their partner wouldn’t be there for the birth of their child. From the letter we don’t know that she has family close. It would feel incredibly isolating to me if I had no family in the area and was relying only on friends while my husband went off to a party that close to my due date. I think there are plenty of what ifs in life to let go of. But, something like this that can be controlled, like you party with the groom at a different time, does not seem like a what if. And honestly I’d be pretty upset if my partner was perfectly ok not being their for the birth. What about the support the wife would lose in that case? Basically partying means more than potentially being there to support her?

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      • avatar

        SasLinna March 24, 2016, 10:28 am

        Giving birth is kind of a huge life event. I couldn’t fathom not having my partner there.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 24, 2016, 11:35 am

      Not even remotely the same. Your partner is the other parent of the child being born. They are there to help get you to the hospital and to help get you through labor. I get the sense that you’ve never been through labor. It is nothing like a destination wedding. It is a like running a marathon. It is a huge feat of physical endurance. Once the baby is born if something is wrong with the baby things move very rapidly and the mother is still laying there on the table and someone needs to be able to go with the staff who are taking the baby. Sometimes you need a parent there who can sign permission for emergency surgery and the wife is still being stitched up and sometimes is groggy from pain killers if she didn’t have an epidural. You need someone who is drug free and able to run through hospital corridors with the staff and able to sign permission for procedures. A family member can’t sign permission for a procedure, only a parent can do that.

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      • avatar

        SimontheGrey March 24, 2016, 11:26 pm

        This. My mom has told me many times the story of my birth. I was born C-section, after she had been in labor for 30 hours and my heart rate had dropped. She remembered the doctor saying, “It’s a girl,” then looking at her and saying, “Oh, shit.” Then she was put under with anesthesia. She had started bleeding very suddenly or something. So there’s my dad trying to juggle everything going on with having a new daughter, possibly watching his wife die on the table, having to tell the family….

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    • avatar

      dinoceros March 24, 2016, 4:43 pm

      Being at the grocery store is different than a bachelor party. For example, one is probably 5 minutes from your home, and the other is hours away by plane, it appears. I’m amazed at some of the comparisons people are making here. And if he misses the birth of his child, it affects more than just him. It means that she generally has to have the baby by herself because many women are not interested in having other family in the delivery room with them.

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  • kare

    kare March 24, 2016, 9:26 am

    As a parent, you often sacrifice the things you want to do to focus on your child. Now is the perfect time for him to practice this.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph March 24, 2016, 1:41 pm

      I think this is exactly the point. The pregnant parent spends their pregnancy sacrificing for the child (alcohol, brie morning sickness, flying after 37 weeks, horseback riding, a stretch mark-free stomach, the ability to see their feet, and on and on) but the other parent doesn’t have that same burden. She has been giving stuff up for months and in the 9th month her husband who has already given up many many less things can’t even give up a bachelor party to make sure he’s there for the birth.
      It’s not necessarily whether he should or shouldn’t but that she should be willing to.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 2:17 pm

        Great point.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse March 24, 2016, 9:36 am

    Both my babies came two weeks before the due date.
    There is no way in hell My husband would have been anywhere.
    What’s he most going to regret missing, a drunken bachelor party, or the birth of his first child?
    I would be extremely concerned where his priorities lie. Hopefully, if you do take him to the doctors appointments, he’ll get it.

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  • avatar

    PumpkinSpice March 24, 2016, 9:40 am

    I really don’t see him going as a problem. If it were me, I would let him go, but he would need to get home ASAP if anything happens and I would have to be able contact /communicate with him at all times. But, I only feel this way because my parents live 10 minutes away from me, so I would be able to call them if I needed to. That’s just my opinion though. Wendy is right in the fact that anything can happen while you are pregnant, so it’s up to you to decide what your comfort zone is. Are you comfortable with this and have family close by in case something happens or for support? Or are you uncomfortable with this and really feel like you need your husband by your side this whole time. That’s what it really comes down to.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki March 24, 2016, 9:52 am

      My mom lives right next door but I still wouldn’t be comfortable with the father of my child not being there.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 24, 2016, 10:18 am

      The bachelor party is several states away. Getting there “asap” if the LW calls and tells him she needs him — is in labor or whatever — would take hours (not to mention $$ to change his plane ticket).

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 24, 2016, 11:44 am

        And that’s IF there are even seats on the next flight out. Just NO.

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      • Pamplemousse Rose

        Pamplemousse Rose March 24, 2016, 1:12 pm

        Yeah. My husband had to go away for work about a month before our first was due. And he was only gone for the day, the meetings were near the airport at his destination, and there are at least a dozen flights daily between our two cities. I was still nervous about it.

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  • avatar

    Ron March 24, 2016, 10:33 am

    Plus, if he is coming from a bachelor party, he likely is quite drunk.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse March 24, 2016, 10:38 am

    I’m honestly surprised at how many people wouldn’t care…I’m wondering if they actually have given birth while their husband was drunk and sloppy, in say, Las Vegas.
    I guess we have different priorities.

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    • avatar

      vanderjohnsenberg March 24, 2016, 11:04 am

      Agreed. I am also wondering how many have actually been pregnant.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 11:08 am

      Me too! Even if I had family in town (I don’t), I’d want my husband there. I’m really close with my mom but I’m closer with my husband, and it’s his baby, not my mom’s, right? I wouldn’t need him with me every second, but I want him close enough that he can attend the birth or be with me if something goes wrong. Last time my due date was the day after Mother’s Day, and his mom was having a get-together on Mother’s Day in a town about an hour/hour and a half away. That was ok, because on the day of we’d be able to see if I feel like I’m having contractions or anything, and he could cancel if I was. And if not, then it was likely that he’d be able to be back in time if anything did happen. But if he had to be a flight away? No, I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that at all.

      Also, maybe I’m a worrier, but it’s not impossible that something goes very wrong that day. Death is a possibility for both mother and baby, no matter how good everything looks up till then. Do you really want to be in a life and death situation while your husband is partying in Vegas? I know the risks are low, but like I said above the percentages don’t matter if you’re the one it happens to.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 11:46 am

        Even if I was close with parents (which I’m not) there’s no way I’d want anyone else in the room. And I can’t imagine being there without my husband. It’s really hard, painful, exhausting and so, so emotional. Even if the end result wasn’t a child, I’d still want him there. I can’t even imagine not having him there. Risks are low, but not actually that low in the states. We have the worst maternal death rates for a first world country. Personally, in my friends circles, horrible, horrible things have gone wrong, that no doctor could even predict before the birth.
        I’m also kind of shocked “really close friends” would have parties and weddings you probably can’t attend, unless they are within a close proximity to you.

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        RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 12:01 pm

        The friend probably had the wedding date booked a year in advance or something, so that’s reasonable. The LW wouldn’t even have been pregnant yet. But if the friend really wanted the LW’s husband at his bachelor party, he could have had it a month before the wedding.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 24, 2016, 3:52 pm

        Yeah, sometimes life gets in the way of going to weddings or bachelor parties or other one-time events. It sucks but that’s life. Bassanio’s sister was due right around our wedding and ended up not being able to come. We had even chosen the date only about 8 months out, which is relatively not a lot of time in wedding land, and had gotten the go ahead from her, she didn’t even know she was pregnant yet. Life happens.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 24, 2016, 12:03 pm

        Our friend’s baby was born with a heart defect and when he didn’t pink up in the minutes after birth the staff ran him through the hospital for emergency tests and the dad ran with them while the mom was still in the delivery room. I can’t image not having the dad along just in case, besides he needs to be there for the support that is needed during a normal delivery.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne March 24, 2016, 11:48 am

      I can’t imagine these people who “don’t care” have actually had kids – except the one who said she did this, but got some reassurance from her doc not much was going to happen. I also had complications early on in my pregnancy and I can’t imagine my husband not being there with me for those issues. Actually, I take it back. I had a fucking miscarriage in Italy last summer and my husband was in Massachusetts. It was horribly devastating, and I was with two of my best friends in the whole world. But it didn’t matter that I had two of the people I love most in the world with me. I wanted my husband – the father of the baby we lost – with me. Just like I want him and no one else with me when I give birth to this baby. I am so outraged by this whole topic.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 11:57 am

        Oh my gosh, Lianne. That’s horrible, I’m so sorry you had to experience that without him.
        I cannot even imagine a real father asking this of his wife.
        The worst is there’s a part of her that’s been convinced she’s being unreasonable.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 24, 2016, 12:06 pm

        Thanks, it was probably one of the most difficult moments of my life. Not only did it happen, doctors in Europe wanted me to have a D&C there, then I got them to clear me to fly, only to have my flight delayed for 8 hours, then CANCELED and had to fly home the next day. And then had to have a D&C when I got home – but my husband was there for that and that’s what I needed.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 10:03 pm

        That’s horrific. Ugh.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 10:04 pm

        I’m so sorry for you. Either thing, alone is bad. I can’t even imagine being in Europe dealing with all of that. Thankfully, you at least you had your friends with you.

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      • lynn

        Lynn March 24, 2016, 12:38 pm

        See, this makes me feel like an asshole for my original comment and even mentioning what I did, since I’ve never been pregnant and can’t imagine what it’s like. I’m so sorry you went through that, and I so wish your husband could’ve been with you, and I imagine he probably wishes all the time that he was. I’m sorry Lianne. Also, best wishes for your upcoming birth.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 24, 2016, 12:49 pm

        It’s ok and thanks for your kind words. I just think this is such a personal decision and the LW shouldn’t be made to feel bad by anyone for how she feels about it.

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      • lynn

        Lynn March 24, 2016, 12:52 pm

        I agree with you, absolutely.

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    • avatar

      Ange March 24, 2016, 8:46 pm

      That’s their prerogative. it’s different to yours and that’s ok. Some of these comments are bordering on sanctimommy, jussayin’.

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  • avatar

    Kim March 24, 2016, 10:51 am

    I just went through something similar, but it was for my second child and instead of a bachelor’s party it was for my husband’s grandmother’s funeral. She died just over 2 weeks before the due date and the funeral was scheduled for 10 days before my due date. I decided to let my husband go for a few reasons: he was very close to his grandmother (who helped raise him as a child), my first was induced and still came 2 weeks late, my first was a very long labor, and statistically if he was gone for only one night (flying out the morning of the funeral and back the next day) turned out to be <5% chance of me giving birth that day. And while previous labor experiences did not guarantee I would be in the clear this time around, it was worth the risk to me because I didn't want him missing his grandmother's funeral. So I left the decision up to him and he decided to go. However it was incredibly stressful for both of us and there is no way he would have been going for a bachelor's party. I had to make tons of backup plans of who could drive me to the hospital and be there to support me and watch our daughter. He also wasn't allowed to drink on the trip so that he would be sober if he needed to come home asap – and would your husband have fun at a bachelor's party if he had to stay sober in case the baby came? And there are no flights overnight, so it would have been possible he would know I was in labor and not be able to do anything about it for hours. In my experience it was so stressful for both of us that I can't imagine doing it for something fun – partly because he would have been too stressed to have fun. And having been through a similar experience but for different reasons, I wouldn't recommend it for a party.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne March 24, 2016, 11:50 am

      Totally different circumstances. It’s a death of an extremely close family member AND he flew out day of and was home the next day. And he felt torn about what to do! This guy is trying to talk his wife into it. As soon as she said she didn’t want him to go, that should have been it.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 12:01 pm

        Yes!
        What an ass.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana March 24, 2016, 1:10 pm

        woah, nowhere does she say she has really even talked to him yet or voiced his concern. How can he be an ass when he hasn’t even been given the option to do the right thing, and the LW hasn’t even expressed her concerns. Maybe not all partners are as emotionally intuned as yours, so consider yourself lucky. This LW should communicate what her issues are and tell her husband she doesn’t want him to go, and then if he says he is going regardless, I agree he is being a selfish dick who doesn’t get it, but that hasn’t happened yet, so cut him some slack.

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        Anonymousse March 24, 2016, 3:11 pm

        I think bringing this up, in the way that he did, is an ass move. “You probably won’t have the baby then.” Many, many women go into labor much earlier than 38 weeks. There’s not much work for fathers to do in gestating a baby, but supporting his wife, in whatever she wants is something he should be doing. It’s a life changing, medical event. I do think it was an “ass” move to bring it up, period, but especially with that reasoning.
        She has sacrificed so many things, and will continue to, that surely, he can sacrifice a single bachelor party. Even if she was 12 weeks pregnant, if she simply doesn’t want him to go, that should be the end of it.
        I really don’t understand what your emotionally intune comment in regards to my husband is about. This isn’t an emotional issue.

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        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 3:21 pm

        Umm, I think t is an ass move to bring it up he way he did.
        I really don’t appreciate or understand why you’d mention my husband or even get personal in your reply to my comment. That really wasn’t needed. And believe me, I do “consider myself lucky.” My husband kick’s ass and I am very happy in my life. He was probably more excited for the birth of our kids than I was.

        To me, this has nothing to do with emotions, it’s a life event. She could die, her baby could die, those are “what ifs” that I couldn’t justify going to a big party instead. It’s a bachelor party, a probably pretty forgettable event, friends or not.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 3:22 pm

        So many grammar errors. I blame my iPhone.

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  • avatar

    jimmyjam March 24, 2016, 10:57 am

    This might be more of a trust issue. Do you trust your husband to be responsible while away? Can he goes away and not go “black out” ? Can he pace himself? If so then there should not be an issue. There are plenty of husbands / spouses that are not there for delivery every day in this world. Babies come early ( and late ). Spending change fees to come back is pretty simple, and it will likely save money than see it go elsewhere.

    Talk about it and also talk to the Dr.

    Keep the lines of communication open.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 24, 2016, 12:55 pm

      Nope. Partying with your buddies — black out drunk or not — is simply not a good enough reason in my book to potentially miss the birth of your first child. Even a 5-10% chance of delivery on that weekend should be enough to warrant skipping it. And you know what else should warrant the husband skipping it? THAT HIS WIFE WANTS HIM TO. As I said in my reply, my first baby was born early — 37 weeks and 6 days — and my labor was three hours long. Do you have any fucking idea how incredibly scary it would have been for me to not have my husband by my side when I almost gave birth in a fucking car outside the hospital? As it was, The baby came so fast, I couldn’t get any painkillers or anything. I was vomitting and bleeding out more blood than i’ve seen in my life. To not have had my husband there because he was partying with his buddies several states away would have been devastating. I mean, I thought I was dying. And you’re saying a husband not being there for something like this “should not be an issue.” Fuck that.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy March 24, 2016, 12:58 pm

        I’ll reiterate if it wasn’t clear: If my husband had been away for a weekend when I was 38 weeks pregnant, there is zero chance he would have been present for the birth of our baby. Babies can come two weeks early and they can come fast. It happened to me. It could happen to the LW. Why risk the possibility of missing that for a party?

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        jimmyjam March 24, 2016, 1:24 pm

        Interesting, see my mom had me early with no father at all in the picture, I mean none at all at the time. Forget where or what he was doing, but he was and is gone , long dead now and good riddance.

        If I recall the story as I have have heard several times, my mom started having labor pains , got on a city bus because we had no car and went to the hospital walked in and I was out out quickly and several months early. So if you ask me how scary it would have been , no I don’t know but I know someone who handled it like a trooper with whatever else she had going on. ( no job, welfare , etc etc) Yup she lost blood and I hope she had some pain killers , but it was the 70’s and I am pretty sure everyone was on “something” for pain.

        Dont feel slighted. My point was to communicate and talk to a Dr.

        Personally, would I go, no, but remember not everyone has that option for a husband / spouse to be there.

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        RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 2:02 pm

        I think the point is that the LW does have that option though. There are very few of us who would choose to go through what your mom did, and congrats to her for doing something so difficult. But she didn’t have the choice. The LW, on the other hand, does have a stable partner who presumably wants to help support her and their baby. So why would she want to risk having her birthing be as difficult as it was for your mom, when she could have someone there to drive her, someone there to support her through it, someone to make decisions if she can’t, etc. And why would her husband want her to go through that alone? Anyway, if you read the update that Wendy posted in the comments, the LW explained her position and the husband agreed and he’s not going. Clearly he did decide that supporting his wife at this time was more important than a party.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 24, 2016, 2:05 pm

        My mom gave birth to me without my bio father in the picture as well. But this woman’s husband is in the picture. So that’s comparing apples to oranges.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 March 24, 2016, 2:08 pm

        I’m not sure what your mothers story has to do with this situation at all. The LW has husband in the picture who can very easily be there for her if she does go into labor 2 weeks early, and should be home with her in case that happens. The LW’s situation has not one thing in common with your mothers.

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      • kare

        kare March 24, 2016, 4:10 pm

        True, plus back in the day many father’s weren’t at the birth. My grandmother said that hospitals used to not allow anyone other than medical staff to attend the birth. When she went to the hospital while in labor with my dad, they told my grandfather it would be a long time before she gave birth so he should go home and rest until it was closer. She ended up giving birth before he could drive the 20 miles back home. But again, that was relatively normal. Plus I feel like that generation was just tougher than mine (well obviously, I’m a millenial – in no way has my life compared to living through the Great Depression, multiple wars, etc).

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      • avatar

        anonymousse March 24, 2016, 2:08 pm

        It’s a effing bachelor party! Not a “father not in the picture,” story.

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  • avatar

    Lucy March 24, 2016, 10:58 am

    I agree with everything Wendy said, but I’d still let him go. Ask your mom/sister/brother/best friend to come stay with you that weekend. They’d probably be thrilled. Yeah, it’s not optimal, but the odds of something going horribly wrong are extremely low.

    Of course, if you think you’ll hold this against him, then disregard what I said, cause that’s a recipe for long term trouble. And if there’s no one you trust implicitly who can stay with you while he’s gone, then it’s a nonstarter.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 24, 2016, 11:43 am

      You are assuming she has family in the area or a friend who can skip work on a moments notice to go to the hospital.

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      • avatar

        Lucy March 28, 2016, 7:17 pm

        If you actually read my reply, you’ll notice I assumed nothing. It’s important to read all the words.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 24, 2016, 11:57 am

      I think he should stay home. Maybe he could go and spend a weekend with the friend now, maybe next weekend.

      At the very least he should only go if you can see your doctor the day he leaves or the day before and be sure that you haven’t begun to dilate. If you’ve begun to dilate the baby will be born soon, maybe within a day or two maybe within a week. If you haven’t begun to dilate then the odds are more in his favor. His statement that he thinks the baby won’t be early sounds like it is based on nothing but wishful thinking. How could he possibly know whether your baby will be born early.

      The idea that he could hop a plane and make it back in time is a little ridiculous too. Most women go into labor during the night and it would be hard to get a flight in the night so he would have to wait for morning. If you had a six hour labor and it started at midnight he would be sitting around the airport waiting to board a plane when the baby was born. Does your husband know any of this?

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  • avatar

    Erica March 24, 2016, 11:05 am

    I can see both sides but the fact of the matter is you want him close and that’s what’s most important. My husband can’t stand the sight or smell of blood so we already knew he wouldn’t be there for the delivery but what I didn’t expect was how God awful that first nurse I had was. She did everything in her power to scare me. IF it wasn’t for my husband stepping in and advocating for me, I don’t know what I would have done. It was actually those first hours till I got the epidural that I needed him. After that, I was good and I sent him home to take care of our dogs and get some sleep.

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    • avatar

      SimontheGrey March 24, 2016, 11:31 pm

      This. My husband and I have actually discussed how I don’t know that I will want him in the room during the delivery. He isn’t especially keen on being there (he and I can both be kind of squeamish), and I don’t know if I want him watching me crap myself and squeeze out a human. I probably will just want my mom there. However, he wants to be with me right up until the time I give birth and right after. This was a mutual agreement.

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  • avatar

    Adrienne March 24, 2016, 11:07 am

    I have one child (he’s 1.5). My husband flew from NC to NY with his dad for one of Jeter’s last home games to watch him play before he retired. I am the type of person who would encourage my husband to go, and have a plan in place in case something did happen.

    It sounds like the groom is a very close friend of your husband (at least most bachelor parties I have known are mostly guys who would have been in the wedding party). And that more than likely you will both miss their wedding. All I can give you is what I would do, which is let him go but have a plan in place in case you do go in labor. But I also tend not to be a worrier.

    The one question I would ask your husband is, would he be alright with himself if he were to miss the birth of your first child? My water broke at 2am, and I had my before 10AM (no contractions first).

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    • avatar

      Adrienne March 24, 2016, 11:08 am

      *he went to NY 3 weeks before my due date.

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  • avatar

    judge sheryl March 24, 2016, 11:14 am

    I actually think it is unfair to not even entertain considering it, if this is a really close friend who he doesn’t get to see often I think a talk with the doctor is warranted, and I think there would need to be a few caveats– he needs to be able to cancel if at the latest appt, the doctor thinks it could be ‘any day now’, and even if it did look like he was in the clear, he needed to stay sober and able to ‘immediately react’ to come home.

    I’m not saying he def should go, but I think if he could get home (confidently) in less than 5 hours, the risk seems small– again, if Dr also agrees.

    Also, I have had several friends who did stop traveling long distances when wife’s due date approached.

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    • avatar

      judge sheryl March 24, 2016, 11:45 am

      Also, a few more additions– if she doesn’t have close family to help in the event the risk is deemed low, and something still happens, that would be a def ‘no go’ in my book.

      If the risk is super low that week (based on your doctor’s personal assessment), husband could maintain sobriety and fairly confident of a less than 5 hour return window, and there is family very close, I think it is reasonable to consider going.

      Part of parenting is weighing risk/overall benefit.

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  • Portia

    Portia March 24, 2016, 11:36 am

    I had to think this over a little and although my usual reaction is that you shouldn’t build your life around what-if’s, it sounds like regardless of the odds the baby will arrive early, you want/need that support from your husband during that time. If you’re a team, that alone should be plenty of reason for him not to go. I don’t have kids so I haven’t been through this. But when I went to get an IUD placed and I was kind of anxious about it, my husband didn’t hesitate to take time off work to come with me. And when it turned into a much longer and more complicated situation and I needed the support, I was so glad to have him there.
    .
    I liked Wendy’s idea of a boys weekend a few months later. He’ll probably need/appreciate the break and he could plan it at a time that’s more convenient for your family.

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  • veritek33

    veritek33 March 24, 2016, 11:36 am

    Admittedly I’ve never been pregnant or had a baby and most of my friends have gone past their due dates so my first reaction was “let him go and take the risk.”

    However, after being reminded reading the comments that you really cannot predict when a baby will be born and many women go early – I think he should stay. I would hate to have to go through labor without my partner and I don’t think the LW should have to.

    So he misses a bachelor party. Maybe he can arrange a weekend visit down the road once a routine is established with the new baby or bring the whole family along. He’s getting married not dying, I’m sure they’ll see each other again.

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  • Lianne

    Lianne March 24, 2016, 11:37 am

    So I haven’t read most of the comments, but asked my husband if he would consider doing this exact thing under these exact circumstances and his simple response was “no.” Of course he shouldn’t even be entertaining this idea, never mind trying to talk you into it with bullshit, “the baby won’t come that early” reasoning. If I were you, I would tell him he’s being a selfish dick and needs to re-evaluate his priorities before the baby comes – early or late. And if he EVEN tries to lay a guilt trip on you if the baby is late, that is even worse.

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    • avatar

      Vathena March 24, 2016, 11:47 am

      I thought of the guilt trip, too. LW, I’ll come over and punch him in the face for you if he even tries to get all sulky and butthurt if the baby comes later.

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  • avatar

    Vathena March 24, 2016, 11:45 am

    Story time! Once upon a time I was 8 months pregnant with my first (and only!) child. It had been pretty much a breeze so far. Got pregnant immediately. Everything looked great at every scan. Nice strong heartbeat. Nothing out of the ordinary. My husband was on his last business trip scheduled before our daughter was born – believe it or not, most employers will work with parents-to-be to make sure they are around for the birth of their children! He was flying home on the day I went in for my regular appointment, and they found that my blood pressure had skyrocketed. (Preeclampsia.) I was sent to the hospital (alone) then sent home on bed rest. In a taxi, because my husband’s plane wasn’t landing for several hours yet. I was sobbing and panicking and couldn’t even call him. At another appointment the next week, things had gotten worse, and they sent us both to the hospital, where I was marched back to the OR for an emergency c-section. Our daughter was delivered perfectly healthy at 37 weeks. But I lost a LOT of blood due to complications and ended up having to have transfusions, and spent 4 days in the hospital. My husband was amazing through all of this, and he felt awful that I’d had even an afternoon at the hospital without him. I certainly couldn’t have gotten through those few days of bed rest without him.

    The odds are good that a pregnancy will proceed as normal to term, and a baby will be born without complications. But they’re not THAT good. You should both know that shit happens, and that you should be together. Listen to all of these folks here, or ask friends/family. EVERYONE knows of a birth story where some heavy shit went down in the last few weeks. Just last weekend we saw friends for dinner – the wife was 37 weeks pregnant and we were talking about when she’d be scheduling her last day at work. She had the baby 18 hours later. I have a friend who delivered her baby in the car in the hospital parking lot. I have a friend whose baby didn’t breathe at birth and spent a week in the NICU. I have two close friends whose babies were stillborn at term. It’s not at all unusual, unfortunately. Your husband should stay home.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse March 24, 2016, 11:48 am

    The bottom line is, you don’t feel comfortable with him going. That should be the end of the discussion right there.

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  • avatar

    T March 24, 2016, 12:01 pm

    A close friend’s wedding celebration is not a completely insignificant thing. The LW mentions that why the bachelor party feels important is because they will both be missing the actual wedding. The husband wants to have some type of presence to support their close friends. It’s not just that he wants a weekend to get drunk. And I think it would honestly be very selfish of them to not do anything to acknowledge their close friends’ wedding.
    .
    That said, I really don’t think the husband is being a dick. He’s weighing two important obligations. Sure, the birth of his child is more important than the wedding/party, but there’s also a very small chance his going would cause him to miss his child’s birth. Since he’s not the one carrying the baby, he’s probably just thinking about this logically and not emotionally, and doesn’t really get why it’s a big deal to be gone a couple days. (As someone who has not given birth, I’m definitely not siding as clearly on the “he has to stay home” front either – I think this is one of those things that it’s hard to understand if you haven’t been there.)
    .
    LW, if you’re really feeling nervous and want him to stay, just communicate that. But you two should do something to acknowledge your friends’ huge day too. I very much hope you’re planning on sending a gift and nice card. I also think your husband should be able to go see his friend and celebrate — but why doesn’t he just go a couple weeks earlier? It won’t be the official bachelor party, but he could still take his friend out for a few drinks by himself.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse March 24, 2016, 12:04 pm

      There’s actually a pretty high chance she will give birth. A due date isn’t exact, a doctor’s assessment isn’t either. You haven’t been there, so no, you definitely don’t understand.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne March 24, 2016, 12:09 pm

      My husband is missing a close friend’s wedding – one in which he was asked to serve as a groomsman – because it’s the same weekend as my brother’s wedding (which was booked first) in another state. My husband really wanted to make both work but at the end of the day, he knows that’s not the right decision and is not going to. Sometimes tough decisions have to be made. And also, his friend didn’t check that the weekend worked for my husband in advance so…

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh March 24, 2016, 12:22 pm

      Not going to the wedding or bachelor party due to a baby’s due date is not being selfish. And quite different than not ‘acknowledging’ it. A bachelor party/wedding is also not an obligation. And honestly the friends should be understanding. I can’t imagine getting upset that a friend who was going to give birth any time now chose not to come to my wedding and that her husband stayed home to support her. Personally people who got upset in that circumstance would seem far more selfish. Hopefully the bride and groom send them a gift for the baby or at least a nice card. And I mean honestly are you supposed to check the calendar for weddings/bachelor parties/birthdays, etc. before getting pregnant and plan around them? There are plenty of other times and ways to show couples that you support them.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 24, 2016, 12:25 pm

      Not going doesn’t mean you think the friend’s wedding is insignificant. Life has conflicts and this is a real conflict. Sometimes you have to choose because you can’t have both and you have to prioritize the two options and make a choice. The husband is hoping to have both but if the baby is born while he is gone he will have sacrificed the highest priority event for the second priority event. He’s basically saying he is willing to bet the first to attend the second.

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  • avatar

    Anon March 24, 2016, 12:26 pm

    Yea sorry but if my close friend had a wedding he wanted me to be part of and my spouse had a sibling getting married on the same day or weekend, i’d be going to my friends. Wife/Husband or not, i’m not picking your brothers wedding over someone who , to me, would be closer in friendship. But then again , I’ve never let my spouse have a leash on me neither. If I could make both work, great if not, well there you go. My comment way off topic of the original discussion, I was just replying to this.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne March 24, 2016, 12:32 pm

      Um, you are being an asshole, and I love how you chose to do so anonymously. I didn’t tell my husband what to do, he made the decision for himself. And when you get married, you also marry into a family. Like it or not. I make sacrifices for his and he is doing the same for mine. So you can take your thin attempt at trying to make me feel bad and go fuck yourself.

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      • avatar

        Kate March 24, 2016, 12:35 pm

        Anon, I’ve noticed how you like to roll in and throw a bomb and then roll out. How droll.

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      • avatar

        Anon March 24, 2016, 12:56 pm

        Way to be I guess, just go out and call people names , when I did no such thing, when they don’t agree with something small that you brought up. Cause , I mean, how else do mature adults talk to one another , am I right? Go fuck myself? I wasn’t even attacking you either, I read what you wrote on here and I didn’t agree with it, so threw in my two cents. Oh no. I didn’t “roll in” and “roll out” after throwing a bomb as you say. I could have said a lot more and given a true opinion on the main discussion , but I thought better of since quite a few others have commented and said exactly what I was wanting to say, only to see of the : i’m so shocked and surprised at these people who…” and people becoming “outraged” over the topic. I’m not trolling either. Take it how you want I guess.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 24, 2016, 2:00 pm

        When you imply a leash on my spouse, having no knowledge of me or my marriage, it’s an attack. If you had left that part out, I wouldn’t have thought twice about your dissenting opinion.

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    • avatar

      Vathena March 24, 2016, 12:55 pm

      Yeah, well, that’s great if that works for YOUR marriage.

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      • avatar

        Anon March 24, 2016, 1:06 pm

        @Vathena Yeah, well, 23 years , three kids, and going strong. This , the main topic, wouldn’t have been an issue for either one of us, as we actually understand one another and know how to talk.

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      • avatar

        Vathena March 24, 2016, 1:24 pm

        Like I said, that’s great for you. You and your spouse are likely matched. You passed judgment on Lianne and her husband’s decision regarding brother/friend wedding attendance (“I’ve never let my spouse have a leash on me”, implying that Lianne is controlling her spouse). They probably also understand each other and know how to talk. Together they made a decision that works for THEIR marriage.

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      • avatar

        Vathena March 24, 2016, 1:30 pm

        *likely WELL matched.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 24, 2016, 4:13 pm

        Thank you, Vathena.

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    • Cassie

      Cassie March 24, 2016, 2:21 pm

      What excellent assumptions you make there.

      What’s your high horse’s name?

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  • avatar

    Risa March 24, 2016, 12:53 pm

    How much has she given up already? Babies do all kinds of fun business to your body that can take years to recover from. She can’t travel the last 3 months of her pregnancy. She probably hasn’t slept through the night in awhile given the extra bowling ball worth of weight on her bladder. She’s supposed to avoid alcohol, caffeine, sushi, lunch meat, jumping on trampolines all all kinds of other fun activities.

    I’m sorry he’s going to miss his fun times because his wife is pregnant (sarcasm). But welcome to parenthood. It doesn’t start when the baby is born. She’s been making sacrifices and taking care of that child for the last nine months and it shouldn’t even have to be asked for him to stay home if she feels scared to be alone.

    She’s welcome to encourage him to go if she feels secure or wants some time to herself. But he should man up. If your 8.5 month pregnant wife tells you she’s uncomfortable with you multiple states away for an extended period of time you tell your friends to have a good time, sit your butt down and rub her freaking swollen feet.

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    • avatar

      Vathena March 24, 2016, 1:00 pm

      +1000!

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover March 24, 2016, 1:02 pm

      You can travel up till 36 weeks actually. Although personally I didn’t because it was so uncomfortable and exhausting. You’re spot on with the rest of it though.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne March 24, 2016, 2:16 pm

        Yeah, I had a stop travel date of 3/31, when I will be 32 weeks pregnant. Fortunately, though, I wrapped up my client meetings 2 weeks ago and I am so happy to not have to travel with how I am feeling at this point in my pregnancy.

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        RedroverRedrover March 24, 2016, 4:20 pm

        Yep. Plane seats are uncomfortable at the best of times, let alone when you’re in the third trimester. And walking through the airport with your luggage, trying to get it on the rental car shuttle, getting it into and out of the rental car… it’s tough. Plus I can’t bring my tummy support pillow for sleeping, which means I’m going to be uncomfortable and awake half the night. The whole thing is just not worth it unless you really have to.

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  • avatar

    ktfran March 24, 2016, 1:02 pm

    This comment was awesome. Well put.

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    • avatar

      ktfran March 24, 2016, 1:03 pm

      That was suppose to be a reply to Risa’s. Not sure what happened.

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  • avatar

    Anon March 24, 2016, 1:02 pm

    Kate, I am not the only person on here who uses “Anon” either so I might not actually be the person you’re referring to.

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    • avatar

      Kate March 24, 2016, 1:06 pm

      Maybe not. Now that I think of it there’s a pink one too.

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  • Dear Wendy

    Dear Wendy March 24, 2016, 1:03 pm

    From the LW:

    “Thank you so much for your advice, Wendy! My husband and I are frequent readers of your column and love all of your advice that you have given to fellow LWs.

    I may or may not have written to you with high emotions, so I hope my husband did not come off as a complete jerk. I honestly believe that he was feeling pressure from his friends to be a part of this social event and got caught in the mix of it all.

    I spoke with my husband about my concerns and mainly about how I needed his support, whether or not the baby would arrive during that weekend. He said that he completely understood and wants to be there for me and our family. We are both incredibly excited for our new arrival and can’t wait to see how our family grows!”

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    • Lianne

      Lianne March 24, 2016, 2:01 pm

      I am very happy to hear this. Congrats.

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    • avatar

      JMac March 24, 2016, 5:46 pm

      I am very glad to see this update. I had been reading through this thread while mentally composing a comment on the theme of “LW’s husband needs to man up and act like an adult!”. I am gratified to learn that he is in fact doing so (and, amazingly enough, without the benefit of my advice).

      What to do in this situation did seem to me to be a rather simple calculation: Going to a friend’s batchelor party in Vegas=fun but, in the larger scheme of things, Not Important. Being there to support your wife when she is giving birth to your first child=EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!

      I wish the LW an easy, on schedule and drama free delivery. May she and her husband share many years of love and happiness with their new born.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph March 24, 2016, 10:48 pm

      Honestly not surprised it was a case of peer pressure. Pretty sure almost nobody (especially married with kid on the way people) actually want to go on a multi day destination bachelor party. You go because of expectations and peer pressure and obligations. I had a destination bachelorette and was basically peer pressured into going to my own damn party. Destination part was kinda necessitated by my 2 bridesmaids in closest proximity living 400 miles apart and the rest of us living in all different states; but it was really unnecessary to have one at all…

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  • avatar

    Michelle March 24, 2016, 1:06 pm

    Collectively, our opinion of your husband is irrelevant, and our opinion of what we individually would want our partners to do is irrelevant. Whether or not we have children, some of us will want our partners there, and for others, it’s a moot point based on a seemingly endless number of variables that we’ll be comfortable with (or not).

    This is what it comes down to: If YOU want your partner/spouse there for the birth of your child, then tell him what you want. Yours is a reasonable request. Other issues that come up – travel for jobs, death/illness of family members, weddings, parties, etc. – only the individuals involved can react in terms of what’s considered reasonable because no matter what one person decides/thinks/believes, another will think it’s wrong. Therefore, do NOT try to please other people with justifying your wants.

    Clearly this is important to you. Tell your husband that his presence it is important to you, and tell him why. End of story.

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  • avatar

    jimmyjam March 24, 2016, 2:11 pm

    When I was 4 I asked my mom where my dad was when I was born and she stated in a slow clear low voice “I did not need a man present to give birth to you. “

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    • avatar

      Vathena March 24, 2016, 2:12 pm

      Again, not applicable to the situation at hand.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh March 24, 2016, 2:13 pm

      Honestly it’s not about ‘needing’ a man specifically. It’s about being married and deciding together to have a child. When you do that and you actually love and support your spouse and your future child, you’re there for your partner and child when they need you. If the LW needs her spouse there two weeks before her due date, which isn’t a crazy request, then that is all the husband should need to know.

      And as stated above by Wendy the husband agreed.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne March 24, 2016, 2:15 pm

      I don’t think there is anyone here disputing that there are going to be cases where there is no father to BE present at the birth. Those moms get extra props from me because I know it’s stressful even with a co-parent. However, this situation isn’t a case of a single parent, so we really shouldn’t be comparing the two.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 24, 2016, 2:22 pm

      We’re talking about a partnership. A couple that works together as a we. Your mom didn’t have that but this woman does. I prefer to have a partnership in my life and I think that is the way the LW is living her life. If your mom chose a different path that is fine but not really relevant to how a couple works together as partners.

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    • avatar

      Anonymousse March 24, 2016, 2:23 pm

      Terrific, good for her.

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    • avatar

      keyblade March 24, 2016, 4:05 pm

      @Jimmyjam,
      I don’t think the world would end and relationships would be wiped to dust if the letter writer’s husband wasn’t at the birth. But he might regret missing the birth more than missing a party (even an important one where he gets to support his friend). And he might consider his wife’s concerns of pushing one out, alone, and her desire for support from her spouse at this intimate interval worthy of high consideration and priority. Your mom sounds like a really strong woman. I sure as shit wouldn’t have wanted to do it alone.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 24, 2016, 4:45 pm

      No woman is not NOT going to give birth to her baby without her partner present. You know what else a woman doesn’t HAVE to have in order to push a baby out of her vagina? A doctor or any medical staff at all. Doesn’t mean things aren’t a hell of a lot easier and safer when those people are present or that it would be incredibly shitty if said people had peaced out ahead of time to go get drunk with some old buddies.

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    • avatar

      saneinca March 24, 2016, 9:11 pm

      She was short changed Jimmy and she did not know it. And in all probability your father as clueless as you are on what women want.

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  • Lady_Red

    Lady_Red March 24, 2016, 4:57 pm

    Would it be possible for your husband to throw a smaller, second bachelor party, near to your hometown? Then he could still celebrate with his good friend, but also be nearby in case the baby decides to come.

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  • avatar

    Amanda March 24, 2016, 5:12 pm

    Wow I disagree with the advice on this one. LW, if you are healthy and having a normal pregnancy, then it’s quite possible that you can have your baby early, the week of your due date or up to two weeks late. Since there is no way to know, it seems like a good idea for your husband to stay home. However, a normal labor for a first baby is approximately 12-18 hours with a lot of variability. If you have a support person to take you to and stay with you at the hospital, your husband would likely make it in time for baby’s birth. If you don’t, then he definitely should not leave you at this time.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy March 24, 2016, 5:15 pm

      So, you think the 10% chance of him missing the birth of his baby and the 100% chance of making his 8.5 month pregnant wife uneasy is worth it to go party with his buddies?

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    • avatar

      Vathena March 24, 2016, 8:04 pm

      Did you even read any of the dozens of stories above, about babies coming whenever they damn well please? What about the high probability that he would NOT make it home in time (no seats on flights, bad weather, mechanical delays, crazy security lines? Missing the call because the music in da club was too loud, or he fell asleep?) Or maybe, a woman would prefer to have her husband and the father of her baby present rather than her mom or her friend? This is not a sitcom. It’s funny that you say you disagree with the advice, then go on to list all of the reasons why he might want to stay home.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant March 26, 2016, 4:34 pm

      I also agree most of the advice was a little intense. Sort of.

      I mean, I ultimately think it’s probably better that the husband not go just in case, but I also thought most commenters were pretty dismissive, and aren’t arming the wife with good advice to have a productive conversation with him.

      Yes, the birth of his first child takes precendence over everything else, but it’s also pretty dismissive of his competing desire to be supportative of his friend. He doesn’t just want to go to a “party”, once of his closest friends is going through a major life event, and even though he already knows he can’t go to the wedding, he wants to be supportive and be part of that in whatever way he can. At this moment, he sees the bachelor party as best opportunity to do that, given his wife’s due date.

      If the LW comes at him with the attitude that if he goes to the bachelor party he’s prioritizing a dumb party over his child, well, I don’t see that conversation going very productively. But if she can acknowledge how important his friendship is and understands why he wants to be there (not to get shit faced with his buds but to support his friend before he goes through a huge milestone), the conversation will probably go a lot better.

      And is there a way they could accommodate him being part of his friend’s wedding in some capacity? Could he plan to fly in and fly out in one day if she gets a family friend to chill with her the whole time he’s gone? Could they agree for a time to go visit his friend for a short time after the baby comes?

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  • Monkeysmommy

    Monkeysmommy March 24, 2016, 6:03 pm

    I haven’t even read the other comments yet, but WWS!!! What the ever loving fuck?!! Your husband can NOT be serious! I have a feeling you have not really laid it all on the line for him, based on your comments about not wanting to take his opportunity away, so you need to do just that. You need to step up and flat out tell him that this isn’t a good time, and that he needs to cancel with the boys. Tough shit if he doesn’t like it. The birth of your Child is worth more than watching some strippers in Vegas. Frankly, I think big out of state bachelor parties are a crock of shit, and Monkeysdaddy knows damn well better than to think that will fly with me, but in your case you have a totally legit reason. And if he goes anyway? Then you have a totally legit reason to rethink staying with this shithead.

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  • avatar

    Brise March 25, 2016, 5:27 am

    What he says shows that he has no idea of what a labor is. Unexpected most of time, and painful, and sometimes with life threatening complications, for the mother and for the baby. I would just tell him that, then let it on him. Don’t “allow” a one day trip, don’t allow anything, tell him he is free to go if he wants to. You want him by his side, but he is a free man. Otherwise, it is a lose / lose game for you: either you are alone on this day and scared, or you feel guilty to deprive him of his party. It is not on you: it is his life which is changing towards more responsabilities. He wanted it too, right? So it is not your task to make any choice here. It is his problem. If he goes, frankly, he is irresponsible. But you might both have a chance to attend the wedding if it is near your home. Perhaps the baby will be born by then, and you can show up, or not born yet, and you will both attend nicely. All the best for the birth! I am pretty sure he will think of the possible consequences.

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  • avatar

    Moi March 25, 2016, 11:23 pm

    Do you have a support system other than your husband? Use it. Get friends on board. Don’t expect him to be the one and only. Suppose he gets the flu, or breaks a leg? Relying on one person when you don’t know the date of the birth keeps you both on edge. As far as the party….. if it was Vegas I would stomp my feet while having a tantrum. No, no, no. If it is at a beach resort, mountain chalet then maybe. Vegas, never.
    Btw, military wives have absent husbands while going through many of their childbirths.
    You do have rights to boundaries. What is so important about this? He could always talk to his buddies about a trip later. This is where marriages need people who really talk to each other. Why is he asking permission? Because he wants you to say ok and then he can go guilt free. If you say no he pouts. He has pulled a “gotcha” either way. This is not healthy for your relationship. Ask him why he even considered this. He needs to grow up a little.m

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