Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My In-Laws Ruined My Wedding!!”

jilted bride

I got married last weekend. DH (that’s “darling husband,” for those of you lucky enough not to know — Wendy) and I wanted something small because we’ve been together so long, and we worked hard to plan something that was perfectly “us” within our budget constraints. Unfortunately, my in-laws acted like trash at my wedding and humiliated DH and me in front of people we care about.

This story sounds ridiculous, but it’s all true. We were married in an outdoor wedding chapel that was covered but had columns instead of actual walls. Apparently, because we were not indoors, my BIL thought it would be acceptable to light up his tobacco pipe. This was about 25 minutes before my wedding ceremony, when guests were being seated. My DH told him to take it out of the chapel because he didn’t want the smoke triggering my asthma. His brother, while lacking the good sense to not smoke in the middle of a group of people in a wedding chapel, agreed and took it outside. My MIL then started yelling at DH, telling him that BIL needed to come back up for “family photos” and he could keep the pipe if he wanted to. DH once again told her about my asthma and that his brother could rejoin them when he was done smoking. She then yelled back that she “deserved to be included” and, again, told BIL to come back up for the photos. (Besides the smoking and general stupidity, he had no part of all of this and stayed put). DH responded that she was included, but just because she didn’t get to plan our wedding like she wanted to, this last minute power-grab wasn’t going to happen.

At this point, for SOME reason, BIL’s fiancée jumped in and started screaming at DH, too, about how they deserve to be treated better, how he’s an asshole, and other profanities. His sister jumped in, too, and they were all yelling at him. BIL didn’t do anything either way. It escalated to his fiancée yelling “the c-word,” at which point DH threw her out of our wedding and told her not to come back until she could keep her mouth shut. MIL left then, too, with DH’s sister, but they came back before anything started. BIL stayed outside and watched the ceremony with his damned pipe. (At this point, I was with my bridesmaids and our photographer. I had no idea any of this happened.) The best part of this, for me, is that MIL was trying to take all the family photos without me. I had the photographer, and we requested family photos after the ceremony, as is customary when someone joins your family.

I didn’t know any of this until later, because DH asked everyone to let me enjoy my wedding and not let his family’s drama ruin it for me. His mother did come back for the ceremony, as did his sister. BIL and his bitch fiancée never made it back, and they skipped our reception and after-party (not that she would have been welcome without apologies to us and to our friends for acting like such a gigantic ass). I realized something was off when I only saw his sister at the cocktail hour, but I was told that I would get details the next day or two. MIL came back later, and SIL apologized for her behavior. MIL apparently felt bad for BIL’s fiancée because, well, “she’s under a lot of stress planning her own wedding,” which is why people apparently yell the c-word at other people’s weddings. The truth is that my husband is her least favorite out of all of her children, and she doesn’t even try to hide it.

Here is my problem: besides the fact that these trashy assholes tried to ruin my wedding and humiliated DH and me in front of our “chosen family,” they’re blaming DH for everything that they did! He is the family’s scapegoat because he was the only one who would ever apologize for or own negative behavior. Now, whenever there is a situation, it’s always DH’s fault, even if he’s not involved whatsoever (which is GREAT for his anxiety disorder, which I’m sure these people caused).

His sister tried to get him to talk it out with his mother because she’s “family.” I am trying to be more mature than BIL’s 32-year-old fiancée, who posted negative crap on Facebook right after DH threw her out, but honestly, I can’t take the “high road” with these people and forgive them anymore. I’m obviously going to support my husband in what he wants to do, which is ban them from our lives, but a large part of me is just so pissed off that BIL and his fiancée are going to get their picture-perfect wedding without the family erupting into the Jerry Springer show. I’m actually irate thinking about how they get to have their “special day” after ruining ours. How can I let these people know that what they did was fucked up, and that they need to take accountability for it? — Irate Bride

Hmm, you know, something tells me their “special day” isn’t going to be without its own family drama. But if you really want to make an impression, you could send the happy couple a wedding gift of his-and-her pipes with a note that says: “Holy smokes, you two make quite a pair!”

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

102 comments… add one
  • avatar

    artsygirl April 1, 2013, 9:05 am

    LW just tell yourself that you married a good man who truly was willing to stand up to his family and protect you on your wedding day.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary April 1, 2013, 9:08 am

    LW, I’m sorry that this drama occurred at your wedding. But it sounds like you have a husband who somehow turned into a stand-up man even after being raised by a pack of crazies. At the end of the day you were married, and I hope that you had a wonderful reception with your sane friends and family around you. This JUST happened, so give yourself a week or so to calm down. Holding onto anger about what they did at your wedding will only hurt you. It isn’t going to affect them in the slightest bit. If your husband wants to cut them out of your lives, then that’s punishment enough.

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  • avatar

    Ladybug April 1, 2013, 9:17 am

    If BIL’s fiancee is wound so tight from wedding planning stress that she reacts by throwing public screaming fits over BIL being asked to smoke outside, the family won’t have to ruin her wedding day. Odds are she’ll go batshit crazy over something and ruin it herself. Just be glad that, assuming your husband still wants to ban these people from your lives when this wedding rolls around, you won’t have to watch the train wreck.

    And I love Wendy’s gift idea!

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  • LadyinPurpleNotRed

    LadyinPurpleNotRed April 1, 2013, 9:18 am

    Well if they’re anything like you’ve said, then they aren’t going to take accountability no matter what you do. And think of it this way, if you take the high road and just cut them out of your life like your husband wants, you are making your life easier. You won’t have to deal with them anymore. If you try to engage with them and make them see how wrong they were, you’re inviting more drama and aggravation into your life.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle April 1, 2013, 9:18 am

    Hahaha @ Wendy’s advice—I like it!

    But apart from that, listen, LW… nothing good ever comes from an “irate” desire to let people know they fucked up. Despite the way they behaved at your wedding, it’s not your job to make them “take accountability” for it. Just let it go! You’ll feel better. Plus—and maybe I’m in the minority—but I don’t get why you’re even still dwelling on this. As far as I can tell, your wedding WASN’T ruined. You didn’t even know what had happened until the next day or something, right?

    All these people did was make themselves look like fools. Stop being mad about it, don’t wring your hands while picturing how unfair it is that Bitch Fiancee and Smoky BIL will have some picture perfect wedding day. That’s a lot of negativity to be holding on to.

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    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyinPurpleNotRed April 1, 2013, 9:20 am

      I agree…you’re husband ensured that you had a great wedding day…focus on that because it doesn’t sound like it was the easiest thing for him to do.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 9:23 am

      I was thinking the same thing…how did this ruin her wedding day? The family-in-law just looked like asshats and the LW didn’t find out until the next day? This doesn’t reflect poorly on the LW- just on the people acting like asshats. Holding onto such intense anger is bad for you.

      Also, chances are BIL and fiance are going to have their share of drama at their wedding- these people sound like animals.

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    • avatar

      ktfran April 1, 2013, 9:41 am

      I 100% agree with Fabelle, Lady and GG. LW, you can’t control others actions. Only your own. And it sounds like your husband was in control of his and isn’t dwelling on this, so you shouldn’t either. Move on and enjoy the life you two are creating.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 9:19 am

    Let it go. You’re married, who cares if other people looked like royal assholes? You need to support your husband in his wise decision to part ways with his wack-o family, NOT re-open this wedding drama (that you weren’t even a part of!!).

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    • Tracey

      Tracey April 1, 2013, 12:19 pm

      Excellent advice. DH’s family sounds like they’re down for a fight no matter what, so why even bother to feed the beasts? Stand by your husband’s decision to move on and away from his family, and enjoy a drama free life without them.

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      • avatar

        Amanda April 1, 2013, 12:40 pm

        Yay Tracey’s back! 🙂

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      • Tracey

        Tracey April 1, 2013, 4:38 pm

        Great to be back, Amanda. Hope my IT guys don’t block this again….

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  • katie

    katie April 1, 2013, 9:25 am

    you have got to be kidding me.

    your wedding wasnt ruined, first off- you had no idea any of this happened. from your husband’s perspective, maybe the wedding might was ruined, i know i would have felt that way, but you know what? whats done is done. its over. you need to let. it. go. seriously. this isnt even your family- this is your husbands family, and while you are married now, you still need to let *him* deal with the bullshit in *his* family. so he wants to cut them out? great. support it. thats all you need to do. there is literally no more emotional investment you need to make. in fact, you should invest most of your emotions into your husband and into your marriage anyway! all this other stuff is not good for your marriage…

    maybe enroll in like a kickbox class or something to let out all the anger you have. seriously, it was just a wedding. i know, they are a big deal, an important day, but try to put it in perspective- that it was just a wedding, it was just one day. the jealousy and issues you have over the “perfect day” are not founded in reality… no couple has the “perfect day”. its just a day that is marred with the same family bullshit and the same friend drama and the same logistical nightmares that you have everyday, just on a much larger scale. if your married at the end of it, it was successful. maybe try to focus on the good that did happen that day, like your vows, or the fact that you are actually married now, instead on whatever bad stuff happened.

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    • katie

      katie April 1, 2013, 9:40 am

      also, hilarious little footnote from wendy. i hate DH. its just as bad as hubby.

      and, i actually wonder how blameless your husband was in all this. its totally possible that he just kindly asked his brother to not smoke his pipe or whatever, but then its such a jump for everyone to start reacting the way they did… either your husband is making himself look a little too innocent in his version of this story, or his family really is the McCrazypants. because really, who cares about going and smoking a pipe a little ways away from the wedding site? i dunno. the whole thing is fishy and weird and makes no sense.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson April 1, 2013, 9:43 am

        Eh I believe that it could have escalated that quickly – you might have skimmed over it but the LW mentioned that her and her husband didn’t let her MIL have any part in the wedding planning. And let me tell you when you don’t let control freaks have control they will flip the fuck out. I’m guessing there was drama during the wedding planning process (even if it was civil drama) and the stress of the day just made everyone on edge and possibly even looking for a reason to flip out.

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      • katie

        katie April 1, 2013, 9:46 am

        yea that is a good point. well, like i said, maybe they are just really that unhinged. its possible.

        actually, this might be jake’s mom if we ever get married… lol

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson April 1, 2013, 9:59 am

        Yeah it always seems to be the mother of the groom that flips out. Maybe because traditionally they really don’t have any control. I guess I have just seen way too many people act like absolute raging psychos when it comes to weddings that I believe it. And honestly I feel like brides have been shamed out of being bridezillas so now it’s almost more likely that it’ll be the families acting – I don’t know familyzilla-ish?

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      • katie

        katie April 1, 2013, 10:06 am

        i love it. familyzilla. or momzilla. im going to use those if the occasion every arises.

        and i agree, the mom of the groom is always the one to flip out. i think its because of that weird and creepy mom/son bond that forms. kind of like the father of the female and the new male never get along, but with weddings there is an added female influence, i guess… if weddings were at all inclusive of males you know that the bride’s dad would be flipping out over stuff too.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM April 1, 2013, 10:20 am

        My poor brother spent over half of his wedding reception outside dealing with his mother, who sounds like a twin of Temperance’s mother from her descriptions (she is my legal mother as my father was an idiot and allowed her to do a stepparent adoption since my mother was dead, but I do not refer to her as my mother and have not spoken to her in over 20 years by mutual decision).

        She was basically pissed about *everything*. She didn’t get to control the show, and unfortunately my SIL is not at a point in her life (or was not at that time 3 years ago) to just roll with it and let it go and would exacerbate the situation by justifying arguing defending and explaining. Honestly? some of the things she was pissed about were totally justified and it pained me to admit it… Like how they chose a church that wasn’t accessible despite the maternal grandmother being in a wheelchair, and NO it was NOT a family church of the bride’s, it was just for scenery. If it was her home church, I’d get it, but it’s not like they had no other similar options — BUT in their defence they ASKED the grandmother in question and she said she was fine with it… well wtf was she supposed to say you know? Still, it should have been resolved before and not turned into drama on the wedding night ya know? But the thing is, she would have used ANYTHING as a reason to create a scene, because that’s how she is. That’s why I kept every one of my kids next to me and had my dad and stepmom following at all times I couldn’t, to make sure there were ZERO interactions with that woman or her husband. And there weren’t — and many, many folks there commented on how well I handled it both to my dad and stepmom (he has since remarried to best stepmom EVER! I ADORE HER!), and myself. I’m really proud of that because I was going to be damned if I gave that woman one bit of ammo to use to jack up my brother’s day! Considering we’re very Snow White and Regina ala Once, well, this was a feat.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 10:12 am

        My family owns a wedding banquet facility, and yes, it is always the mother of the groom. Once, there was an error on the seating chart- someone on the grooms side was left off (accidentally so the bride said) the mother of the groom proceeded to sit in her car and pout for the duration of the ceremony and reception (so like 5 f-ing hours) even though the person was quickly accomodated (chair, placesetting, escort card made up, etc etc) and the person left off wasn’t even upset!! They delayed the ceremony for like 30 minutes trying to talk the MIL out of the car…it was ridiculous. I hate when people are SO selfish.

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      • avatar

        MMcG April 1, 2013, 11:50 am

        I would add a few anecdotes, but I’m trying to get over my wedding PTSD. 😉

        Hope you are hanging in there GG!!

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 11:55 am

        I’m feeling pretty low stress right now 🙂 If I ever address these damn invitations all will be well!

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph April 1, 2013, 12:43 pm

        Ah seating chart drama. I was so worried about seating charts because all you hear is horror stories and it was a total non-drama event.

        I put each person’s (or couple) name into a address label template and printed on plain paper. Then I cut them out into slips. My mom got my family, my MIL got his family, and I took all the friends. We each built the tables with the people we had- the slips made it easy to rearrange until everyone fit and was with people they liked. Total time? Maybe 20 minutes.

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      • avatar

        MMcG April 1, 2013, 11:48 am

        Yes people are really that unhinged… fingers crossed you won’t have to deal with it!!

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle April 1, 2013, 9:47 am

        OH, thank you for pointing out that was Wendy’s foot note. At first I thought it was the LW—like, she was making fun of her own use of DH? And I was kind of confused.

        I hate DH, too.

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      • avatar

        Tax Geek April 1, 2013, 9:48 am

        I’ve always thought of “DH” as a term of derision for when a woman is not happy with her husband.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl April 1, 2013, 11:06 am

        DH, DW, DD, DS all of these are annoying too.

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      • katie

        katie April 1, 2013, 11:09 am

        what?? what do all those mean?? lol

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      • landygirl

        landygirl April 1, 2013, 11:55 am

        Dear Husband, Dear Wife, Dear Daughter, Dear Son.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy April 1, 2013, 12:02 pm

        Or ‘Darling Husband,’ etc.

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      • AKchic_

        AKchic_ April 1, 2013, 6:30 pm

        Or “Damned Husband”, if you’re feeling pissy.

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      • Brown-eyed NoVA Girl

        Brown-eyed NoVA Girl April 1, 2013, 12:10 pm

        I only like DW when it means Dear Wendy!

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      • avatar

        LW April 1, 2013, 2:58 pm

        I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but sadly, that’s what it was about. He’s my MIL’s least favorite, but she wanted to have the Mother of the Groom role (which she DID … her seating was in front, etc.) and take over planning. She was itching for a fight about it, and it came out when he told his brother to stop smoking in the wedding chapel. It was all over her deciding right the fuck then to take “family photos”. She planned my SIL’s wedding, but she also paid for the whole thing and they were living together at the time (and also, SIL wanted it).

        Granted, he was a bit brusque with his brother, but he didn’t yell “get the fuck out” or yell at all.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson April 1, 2013, 3:02 pm

        Ha! I guessed right. It always comes down to the control of planning the wedding. When mothers of the groom don’t get that control they will always flip out. Like assholes.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    Iwannatalktosampson April 1, 2013, 9:34 am

    I agree with Katie that it’s just one day. The best revenge is living a happy life. I’m happy for you that your husband is willing to cut them out after their behavior. You should support him in doing that, and then do your best to move on. If they already don’t know it’s not appropriate to throw out c bombs at wedding that is just a lesson they will never learn. So cut them out and move on. I’m sure some of your anger at them is the fact that they made your husband feel this way. BUT nothing will be gained by setting them in their place, all that would do is give them another opportunity to respond and be assholes. So yes, you won’t get the last word, but like I said if you cut them out anyway who cares? You will win in the end by living a peaceful drama free life.

    And seriously? You think the BIL’s fiance is going to have a perfect wedding? She’s the bride… it will not be perfect.

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    • avatar

      Taylor April 1, 2013, 10:12 am

      WWS! And this ” The best revenge is living a happy life.” Your BIL is going to have to spend his life with that woman, no wonder he smokes =)

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  • avatar

    Taylor April 1, 2013, 10:15 am

    We had a (much smaller) incident of stupid behavior from an in-law at our nuptials, but it really pissed me off. I found what helped was talking to the guests who had a wonderful time – getting their perspective and stories helped me see the bigger picture of the day, and not focus on the one asshole cousin. Give it some time, have a super bitch fest with your friends, love up your new hubby (I think I’m the lone DW’er that likes that term), and congratulations on your wedding. I glad your fella didn’t drag you into the drama, he sounds like a good dude. Plus, you now likely never have to invite these people to another event!

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    • Stonegypsy

      the_other_wendy April 1, 2013, 11:44 am

      You’re not alone. I like the term ‘hubby’.

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    • KKZ

      KKZ April 1, 2013, 1:45 pm

      I like hubby too, but swore off it for the Dear Wendy audience only. And got them all to promise me to not use “totes” (totally) in exchange.

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  • avatar

    Amanda April 1, 2013, 10:17 am

    The LW’s husband sounds like a sweetheart. It’s a shame to be related to such crazies, but his solution to cut the crazy out of his life is definitely the way to go. LW, you cannot reason with people who are unreasonable. Please let your anger at these nuts go because it only hurts you, not them. It sounds like you had a nice wedding and if you think that your BIL will have a “perfect wedding” then I have a bridge to sell you.

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey April 1, 2013, 9:23 am

    It’s understandable that you’re so angry. Anyone would be in your situation. But you can’t force these people to take accountability for their stupidity. If that was the case, they wouldn’t have even caused drama at your wedding in the first place. Anyone who doesn’t have a come-to-Jesus moment after causing a spectacle at someone else’s wedding is beyond the point of help.

    You can’t control them. You can’t shake them until they wake up out of their stupor. They might be asleep in their stupidity for all time. And you will have no say in the matter. So, instead, focus on what you CAN control. You CAN control the relationship you, and your husband, have with them. If your husband wants nothing to do with them anymore, by all means, support him in that.

    And like Wendy said, there’s absolutely going to be a ton of drama at your BIL’s wedding. No doubt about that. Karma will come around, and all you really need to decide is…do you want to witness it, or do you want to cut ties and spare yourself the drama?

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  • avatar

    oldie April 1, 2013, 10:27 am

    In the grand scheme of one’s marriage and life, weddings are not one thousandth as important as so many LWs insist upon making them. If you see them as your one great chance at self expression, you’d be well advised to write poetry, take up painting, try creative writing — whatever. So… chill out and let it go.

    Or… you could sneak into your BIL’s wedding, throw pigs blood on the bride and scream the c-word at her at the top of your lungs until the guests manage to throw you out bodily.

    Probably your husband is the least favorite sibling because he is the only one willing to ever stand up to his mother and tell her she’s wrong about anything. Your husband seems to know how to deal with his mother and is resigned/content to manage the unsatisfactory relationship with distance. Just follow his lead.

    Some smokers are quite militant about their perceptin that second-hand smoke can’t possibly harm or bother anyone, unless they are standing two feet away and blowing smoke rings into another person’s face. Some are just clueless. BIL seems to fall into the clueless category, but he was quite adaptable and compliant when his brother requested that he take his pipe outside. His gf seems very militant on his behalf. How dare her bf be inconvenienced in his smoking by the health issues of the bride. Your husbands mother wanted to leach free family photos using your photographer and you spoiled her plan.

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  • avatar

    mf April 1, 2013, 10:32 am

    Do you know why these people acted like assholes at your wedding? Because they are miserable, unhappy, insecure, attention-seeking control freaks. If this is how they act at a public event, imagine how they treat each other private! So you know what? You don’t have to lift a finger. You get to be happy and enjoy life with your new husband, and one day they’ll get what’s coming to them. It’s called karma and it’s going to come back and bite them in the ass.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 10:34 am

    Wait…Wendy is this an April Fools joke?

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    • Dear Wendy

      Wendy April 1, 2013, 11:02 am

      No. I’ve had this letter for a few weeks, but was trying to space out all the wedding-related ones. Didn’t mean to post it on April Fool’s, but something’s got to go up today!

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 11:07 am

        I appreciate the spacing-out of wedding related letters!

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      • Lady_Red

        Red_Lady April 1, 2013, 12:02 pm

        Yikes! I totally read it as an April Fools joke. But it’s real?! Good luck to the LW

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 12:05 pm

      Has anyone noticed the photo? It’s hysterical! I totally picture this LW like that, hehe.

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    • avatar

      Christy April 1, 2013, 1:04 pm

      I know! I just realized it myself, and I was CONVINCED this was a joke. Alas…

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    • avatar

      LW April 1, 2013, 3:07 pm

      Sadly, it is not a joke. lol.

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  • landygirl

    landygirl April 1, 2013, 10:37 am

    If this isn’t an April Fools joke letter, then LW, dump his family, you don’t need them. Just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. Good riddance.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. April 1, 2013, 10:39 am

    Is this letter for real? Is Wendy April fooling us? Although I have heard worse wedding stories that were for real…

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  • avatar

    Guy Friday April 1, 2013, 10:41 am

    Agreed with everyone who suggest you move past it, and especially the skepticism that an event you didn’t know about until after the fact “ruined your wedding.” But here’s another point: get the hell off of the BIL’s back. Aside from the starting to light up in the wedding, what exactly did he do wrong here? He didn’t didn’t argue with your husband for having him stand outside; he went and did it. He stayed outside while he was smoking, and didn’t engage in the yelling and other verbal attacks on your husband made by the other members of the family. Sure, he didn’t STOP them, but with how bat-shit crazy they were acting based on your descriptions I’m not sure that he COULD have stopped them, and he probably would have made it worse even if he took your husband’s side. Sure, he COULD have still shown up at the wedding even if his fiancee didn’t, but you’d have probably noticed it and started asking questions, which defeated the whole “let’s leave LW in the dark so it doesn’t ruin her day.” So if you’re mad at the MIL, mad at the fiancee, so be it, but don’t lump him in with them. And, frankly, based on your logic, you should also be mad at your husband for not telling you as it happened (which is, of course, completely ridiculous to feel; I’m saying this to illustrate the point that the anger is misguided.)

    Oh, and not for nothing, but your whole “How dare they ruin mine and then get to have theirs?” attitude — which can only be interpreted as a childish impulse to wreak havoc at their wedding as retribution of some sort — makes me want to remind you that if you DO do that, you’re basically becoming your BIL’s fiancee. So think about how you view her, and then ask yourself if you want to be viewed that way. You may think “But I have a good reason and she doesn’t!”, but I guarantee you that (a) she had a reason, and (b) neither her nor your reason is good enough to warrant it. Try to take the high road.

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    • katie

      katie April 1, 2013, 10:45 am

      agreed. this LW is really no better or different then the people she hates. i guarantee they could write a letter just like this justifying everything they did and why she is so terrible too.

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      • avatar

        John Rohan April 1, 2013, 11:17 am

        I wouldn’t go that far. While the LW might be minimizing her own faults and exaggerating others, there’s no justifiable way for someone to yell out the “C-word” at someone else’s wedding. There’s no way the in-laws could justify some of these actions, no matter how they tried to sugar coat it.

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      • katie

        katie April 1, 2013, 11:25 am

        haha, well if you dont want to go that far, i will.

        these lines -” I’m actually irate thinking about how they get to have their “special day” after ruining ours. How can I let these people know that what they did was fucked up, and that they need to take accountability for it?”- in my opinion, is just as bad as the relatives creating drama. the LW is just one step behind them…

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      • avatar

        John Rohan April 1, 2013, 11:48 am

        While that attitude might be bad, she hasn’t tried to take revenge. There is a difference.

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      • avatar

        MMcG April 1, 2013, 11:55 am

        Honestly, less than 10 days from learning all of this I would be pissed too. It’s not like she is writing in years later still carrying a grudge, or has done anything to seek revenge, she has every right to be angry that people were so shitty on her wedding day. She’s perfectly normal for having feelings of resentment and jealousy, etc., especially so soon after it all happened. Calling her the same as the woman who yelled CUNT out loud at a wedding event? NO. not fair. Wanting to believe in karma and that people who act so terribly towards you might get what they deserve… not realistic but understandable.

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      • theattack

        theattack April 1, 2013, 11:56 am

        I don’t know. I totally get that attitude. It’s not something to be proud of, but I think all of us have felt that way over something at some point. The LW’s just being honest. I think I would be resentful of those people having a nice drama-free wedding too (if that happens, which is unlikely).

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      • katie

        katie April 1, 2013, 12:45 pm

        But none of those things makes what she is asking for ok. She is asking how to get revenge/how to become “justified” with an apology.

        Also, the whole cunt thing might be shock value to some, but it doesn’t to me. I see this as any other argument at a wedding that ends in someone walking out.

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      GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 10:51 am

      I was trying to figure out a way to say what you’ve said in the second paragraph. This LW looks like she is wanting the drama, and is wanting DWs to justify her over the top reaction. It irritates me when people act like their wedding is more special than someone else’s or that they deserve more than someone else.

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    • avatar

      LW April 1, 2013, 3:10 pm

      I should clarify that I knew something happened that night because his family was missing from the very small reception (mom and sister came back later), and that I was told the next day exactly what went down.

      I am still really angry at them, but I would never do something like she did (although, admittedly, the thought is tempting).

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  • avatar

    John Rohan April 1, 2013, 11:14 am

    Let me give a male perspective. It’s interesting that you said “they ruined MY wedding”. It wasn’t just your wedding, it was your husband’s as well.

    It sounds like he handled the situation well at the time, but now he should ask the MIL and SIL for apologies before they are allowed back in your lives. It’s his family, so he should deal with it. But if he doesn’t deal with it, you are under no obligation to have a relationship with the in-laws. Then they can decide if they are going to change, or forgo having a relationship with the both of you.

    About feeling resentful of your SIL wedding coming up, this might make you feel a little better – besides the wedding, there are still future milestones coming up for you. For example, birth of your first child, anniversaries, kids graduation, etc. You can be rest assured that they will be “picture perfect” without your in-laws there, while your BIL and SIL milestones will be forever tainted with their presence. Without your husband there for them to knock around, they will probably turn on each other.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph April 1, 2013, 12:48 pm

      To further build on your first paragraph, since it was a) him dealing with it while she didn’t find out til days later and b) his family causing the drama, the likelihood is far greater that they did in fact ruin HIS wedding and not really do anything to HER wedding at all.

      Time to stop mourning the “perfect” wedding you think you deserve and be a supportive wife to your husband as he deals with ditching his terrible family (because, lets face it, even if they are horrible and deserve to be dropped, it still is probably not that easy for him to dump his family)

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  • Lindsay

    Lindsay April 1, 2013, 11:15 am

    If they were the sort of people who could be convinced they messed up and should be accountable, then they wouldn’t have acted like that in the first place. Banning them from your lives seems like punishment enough. I can understand why you’re angry, but taking the “high road” isn’t really about them. I’m sure they really don’t care at all whether you forgive them or stay angry or whatever, so why put yourself through that? And I’m sure your husband doesn’t want to end up with another crazed angry person in his life.

    You had a nice wedding, and you have a wonderful husband who spared you the drama and is willing to stand up to his family for you guys. I sure as hell would take some crazy in-laws and a sitcom-y wedding if I got all that.

    Anyway, you can be one of two brides: The one who tells people, “OMG, I have to tell you about the hilariously crazy thing that happened at my wedding!” or the one who is bitter and vengeful, and hopes that her in-laws have a disastrous wedding.

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  • Stonegypsy

    the_other_wendy April 1, 2013, 11:34 am

    LW, there is a certain type of person (and, oh my, there are a lot of them out there) who will never, ever accept responsibility for their negative actions or for anything bad that happens in their life. The type of person who cheats on their spouse and says it’s because they wouldn’t answer their phone that night, or gets a DUI and says that cop was just being a totally unreasonable asshole cause they were totally *hic* fine. The type of person who shouts profanities at a family member’s wedding and then expects said family member to apologize, because they were just stressed out.
    It is impossible to reason with this type of person, because not only will they take immediately offense to any criticism, but will not hear anything else for the rest of the conversation because they will be thinking so hard about why nothing is their fault.
    You have married into a family of these people, but are fortunate enough to have married what sounds like the only good man in there. Don’t try to reason with his family, don’t expect an apology, don’t expect them to suddenly realize that they are assholes. It’s never going to happen. If you’re husband wants to dump them, then definitely go with that. This type of person does not enrich the life of anyone they know, except perhaps to make it more entertaining.

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    • avatar

      Taylor April 1, 2013, 12:51 pm

      Well said!

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  • avatar

    BreezyAM April 1, 2013, 11:42 am

    Although you didn’t find out until later, I DO get what you mean about your wedding being “ruined.” My wedding went great I thought, then in later months I found out a bunch of stuff that was going on behind the scenes, especially in Mr AM’s thought process, and for years I didn’t even put up wedding pics in our house and would frown when I saw them. I was so mad my perception of that day, my memories, had been tainted.

    It took almost a decade but I did finally put one up on our anniversary this year, which really touched the husband. I look now and think about how happy I was to be with him, and how happy he was to be doing this, and focus on that and not the background noise. I advise you to do the same. I don’t think you’re planning to go jack up their wedding or anything, so I’m not going to admonish you there, but let that go too. Believe me, they’ll orchestrate their own shit. And trust me, your husband did not have a bad wedding… he was probably relieved he was marrying YOU and not having to have THEM as his primary family any longer.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 11:50 am

      What in the world could have made a person so made they wouldn’t hang up a wedding picture for TEN YEARS???!! I mean short of my groom not showing up on our wedding day…I litterally can not think of anything what would make me mad enough to not hang a photo from the day.

      Oh, if he like hooked up with a bridesmaid that day. That would make me mad.

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        BreezyAM April 1, 2013, 12:12 pm

        He later claimed he didn’t really want to get married right then and wanted to back out. See he wanted to be married IN GENERAL and to me in particular, but he also wanted to wait like 5 more years or something and wasn’t ready he felt.

        BUT HE NEVER TOLD ME THIS and we had SEVERAL witnesses pointing out how HE was the one to START all the “I’m gonna marry you” “I want to have kids with you” talk. He just neglected to add the word EVENTUALLY. So every time I looked at the pics I imagined him wishing lightning would strike one or both of us dead and being all sad and miserable and feeling trapped. Turned out that was NOT how he felt that day. At that point he decided it was a good idea and I didn’t have the luxury of farting around for years like he did (the women in my family tend to go through very early menopause, like at 36! And I was 30 the day we married) and if he wanted ME well he was going to have to get over his idea of a perfect timeline. But all I heard when we went into therapy was “I wasn’t ready yet and I felt rushed” and it felt like a cannonball.

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        GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 12:21 pm

        Well, I am sorry for your situation and with the big back story, I do understand your hesitation to hang the photos. BUT I think what happened to you is COMPLETELY different than this LW.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM April 1, 2013, 11:03 pm

        Sure, but I relate to feeling like it was ruined, even if at the moment you didn’t realize it, since lots of people were saying “oh stop it wasn’t ruined, you didn’t even know!” The memory and perception can be tainted quite badly, and that’s painful.

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      • avatar

        darling_commenter April 1, 2013, 1:56 pm

        is that why you made him wear a gps tracker, like you mentioned in the forums?

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      • avatar

        ktfran April 1, 2013, 2:19 pm

        LOVE your name.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM April 1, 2013, 11:02 pm

        Naw, that was due to other things, which I have mentioned in the forums. He had some issues with acting out in a manner consistent with sex addiction.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary April 1, 2013, 12:09 pm

      I’m just curious…did your husband tell you after the fact that he was having doubts that day? That’s so rude to tell you if that’s what it is. Keep that stuff inside your head!

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM April 1, 2013, 12:13 pm

        he told me had doubts but I interpreted it to mean that day. He had made his peace he explained later.

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      • avatar

        oldie April 1, 2013, 10:36 pm

        Wedding-day or leading-up-to-wedding-day doubt is so common as to be a cultural cliche. The guy married you. Since you’re with him for ten years, presumably you found him to be a good husband. That’s all that really matters.

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      oldie April 1, 2013, 12:16 pm

      This is a prime example of what I was referring to above. You are letting something that happened behind the scenes at your wedding, which you didn’t know avout until months later, have a negative impact upon your marriage for ten years? Really? What is important is the marriage, not the wedding extravaganza. Your perception of that day was tainted? That is beyond sad.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM April 1, 2013, 11:04 pm

        Had it *just* been that, it would have been okay much sooner, but he disclosed this during the course of therapy for some other much more serious betrayals.

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  • lemongrass

    Lemongrass April 1, 2013, 12:08 pm

    Always take the high road.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar April 1, 2013, 12:20 pm

    Oh honey. Congratulations!!! On one day you managed to marry a sweetheart, who proved he’d stand up to others just to keep you happy AND you managed to escape a life of associating with those crazy, wretched people…and you didn’t even have to lift a finger to accomplish that!! Sounds win-win to me. Now be smart enough to appreciate your blessings and don’t give any of them another thought. The ghosts of all your future Christmases, christenings, birthdays, and Thanksgivings will thank you. Now go kiss your husband, tell him you support him completely in walking away from those toxic people and you promise never to call him DH again.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark April 1, 2013, 12:55 pm

    Ugh, what a mess. I’d just try to move past this and act as if it never happened. That said — if somebody yelled out cunt at MY wedding I’d have simply taken off my size 13 and slapped her upside the head with it. My big regret in life is that I have never simply just smacked somebody upside the head (okay, sans shoe, perhaps.) God knows, a dozen of so people have truly reserved it and, frankly, my restraint has gotten me nowhere in life.

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    • Stonegypsy

      the_other_wendy April 1, 2013, 1:00 pm

      When I was in elementary school, I had a habit of slapping people upside the head whenever they teased me (and I was a really weird kid, so that happened a lot). It didn’t make me a ton of friends, but it always felt good. Eventually I stopped, but man do I wish I could still do that sometimes.

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    • avatar

      Grilledcheesecalliope April 1, 2013, 1:15 pm

      That is the thing I’m avoiding doing because I’m sure I’ll like it too much. Slapping rude and irritating people would be like the best of drugs.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark April 1, 2013, 2:46 pm

        So true!!!

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  • avatar

    Anna April 1, 2013, 1:05 pm

    I think if I ever get married, I’ll just elope to Vegas. These wedding letters make it sound like a lot of unnecessary stress.

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    • avatar

      quixoticbeatnik April 1, 2013, 1:23 pm

      I’ve been thinking that I’d just elope when the time comes, too. Then afterwards have a big party to celebrate!

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 1:44 pm

        You would be surprised how much more stress the party part creates than the ceremony part. The party is where all of the planning comes into place and where most of the time, other people have the strongest opinions.

        We’ve been stressed/overwhelmed planning our wedding and my soon to be MIL keeps suggesting to just get married at the court house and then have the party. Well the party is all the stress! You have to plan food, a dj or some kind of music, drinks, tables/chairs/plates, decorations, invitations etc etc etc. People have had infinite opinions on what kind of food, what kind of drink, what songs they want to hear. Going to the court house and then NOT having a party would be the only way to lower stress. (And the people who get to have an opinion are people footing the bill, the two of us, and both sets of our parents.) The ceremony is the easy part!

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      • theattack

        theattack April 1, 2013, 1:54 pm

        Agreed, the reception is a lot more work than the ceremony. The ceremony has been causing us a lot of stress lately though, so I’m not going to say it’s easy at all. We’ve had more people give their unwelcome opinions on our ceremony than the reception, but the reception takes so much more effort to pull together.

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  • avatar

    Lo April 1, 2013, 1:24 pm

    It sounds like you only found out all of this after the fact, so did they really ruin your wedding? If I saw someone like that have a meltdown at a wedding as a guest, my only thought would be “wow that girl must have some issues” and I’d laugh about it later. It certainly wouldn’t ruin my experience of the day.

    I think…maybe you just need to get over it. I think your new line should be “Yeah I heard BIL’s finance freaked out a bit at our wedding – but there is nothing I can do about it now so I’m over it.”

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    • avatar

      LW April 1, 2013, 2:50 pm

      That’s exactly how my friends responded to her nonsense! They did ask me about what she was screaming about, but you’re right … I had no idea until the reception started.

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    • avatar

      LW April 1, 2013, 3:04 pm

      I noticed something was up when the table set up for his family at the reception was empty. His mom and sister came back after cocktail hour.

      Our wedding was small enough that it was obvious to me that something had happened … even though I didn’t know what until the next day.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl April 1, 2013, 3:54 pm

        I totally understand why you’re pissed (I would be too) but I think in this situation, you’ve already come out on top. They all embarassed themselves, had people laughing at them, etc etc.

        Plus, karma can be a real bitch so who knows what might happen on your BIL’s wedding day.

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      • AKchic_

        AKchic_ April 1, 2013, 3:42 pm

        Sounds like they embarassed themselves. Anyone who witnessed the scene will probably pity you and think poorly of your inlaws (and probably pity your husband as well, possibly even more than you since he grew up with the assmunches).

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ April 1, 2013, 1:01 pm

    After my weekend (which was supposed to be relaxing) went to hell, I’d feel as you do, wanting to wish all sorts of horrible things on them, and be the cause of all sorts of horrible things, up to and including physical violence.

    If you haven’t taken the time to do so – please, take a few extra days to put it into perspective.

    The blood-relatives have had years of conditioning.
    The BIL did do as requested in the first place. He removed himself from the area. He figured – outdoor area, able to smoke. It’s a small faux pa in retrospect. Tacky too, but forgivable. Men marry their mothers most of the time. I’m not kidding. Unless they have had cause to actively seek out something that isn’t like their mother (in your DH’s case, an anxiety disorder brought on by his mother’s piss-poor attitude/behavior and blatant favoritism his whole life, and I’m assuming therapy to help him deal with his anxiety and potential depression issues).
    The fiancee – she is a younger version of your new MIL. Feel some pity for your smoky new BIL. He needs to smoke in order to calm his nerves. If she keeps this shit up, there may not be a wedding! What luck that would be, right? This bitch is high drama, high maintenance, low class, and not worth your time. If you haven’t already – de-friend the shitstorm that she is and let her continue to rage without you as an audience. Your DH should do the same. That’s one less stress to worry about.
    Your new SIL who feels the need to play peace-keeper should be told, flat out once, and once only, exactly how your husband feels about the entire situation. How MIL tried at X number of turns to take over the wedding, no matter how many times she was rebuffed, how many times she’d thrown fits, how her continual favoritism shaped his life, how the antics at the wedding were insulting, unnecessary, unwanted, and certainly did not make her look like a loving mother. That neither of you have any intention of apologizing since all DH did was stand firm against a controling and manipulative individual. That you understand that SIL feels her role is to play the “peacekeeper”, but the two of you no longer need that role in your lives because until Mommy-dearest changes her ways, you won’t be speaking to her, and until Miss Bitch apologizes for her behavior (to all family involved), you certainly won’t be dealing with such an unmannered wretch like her either. (You certainly don’t have to use my words)
    I recommend that if your husband is working with a therapist, he talk to said therapist about writing a letter to his mother to “formalize” his maternal ex-communication. Why he is doing it, and what (if anything) she can do to regain communications with her son. Everything in the letter needs to be “I” statements, not “we”, otherwise, MIL will have cannon-fodder for the whole “oh, wifey-poo is making him stop talking to me!”. She’ll do that anyways, but without “we” statements, it will be harder to have a case for it.
    As for the smoky BIL’s soon-to-be bride – word-of-mouth in that family will get to her quickly that you two are shunning her. I’m sure that family gossips more than mine does (and apparently, mine does a lot more than I’d realized).

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  • avatar

    LW April 1, 2013, 2:42 pm

    Thank you all for commenting … and Wendy, your advice made me laugh out loud. So sincerely, thank you. <3

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  • kare

    kare April 1, 2013, 3:45 pm

    You have the most awesome wedding guests ever! I mean besides the crazy in laws. But seriously, no one else said anything about the disturbance and let you enjoy your day. Kudos to them for keeping it classy and not adding to the drama.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ April 1, 2013, 6:36 pm

    After doing mundane work all day… I am reminded that I have a book called “Spite Malice and Revenge” sitting at home.

    If you truly want revenge… Make a recording of as many of your friends and guests from the wedding saying the word “cunt” over and over again in as many different voices as possible, at different intervals. Put it on a few different recorders.

    Place said recorders around the place where the BIL and bride are getting married, turn them on, and leave. Pray someone records the mayhem for you.

    For added hilarity – place 2-3x the amount of recorders around the reception hall and do the same at the appropriate time. Also make sure to have the funeral march play at least once, and a Halloween track with lots of chainsaws and screaming. Just to emphasize the point. 🙂

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  • Emily

    Emily April 2, 2013, 11:00 pm

    I’m sorry there was all this drama going on behind the scenes. I can understand why you would be upset, that being said, do your best to let go of this. This is just the beginning of what you hope will be a long journey with your husband and his family when you decide to tolerate them. I second the many other DearWendyer’s who say what an amazing, stand-up guy your husband is.

    I come from a family much like DH’s. Use your wedding as a sign of things to come and a learning experience. My sincere advice would be to always have an escape plan ready. Create a code word if need be so that you two know when things with the family are getting too intense. A glass of wine or a ready cocktail (just enough to take the edge off) can be a lifesaver sometimes and help you survive the drama. Remember first and foremost that these people are crazy so you shouldn’t take anything they say or do too personally, even on your big day. Always try to have each other’s backs (it sounds like DH really had your back and took care of everything for you). Life and families are not fair (this is really big in dealing with a dysfunctional family where DH or you are scapegoated). I wish I got half the love and adoration my siblings get from my parents but that’s just not the dynamic of my family. Family is not just those we are related to biologically. I have a wide network of adopted family that I love as much if not more than my biological family. If anything I feel quite special that these people choose to love me, that I can be more of myself with them than anyone else, and they help fill needs I have that my parents and siblings can’t for me. Lastly, if at all possible, I can personally recommend never spending holidays with an abusive, manipulative family, travel instead. You get time off from work or school around the holidays, it’s so fun to go out of town, do your own thing and buck the drama that comes from spending holidays with a dysfunctional family. One year I went to Tampa for Thanksgiving, last year I was in Denver, and one Christmas I held a Christmas dinner for my international friends. Holidays brought out all these expectations in my family so doing my own thing was very freeing. I hope this helps.

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  • avatar

    Rachel Smart April 3, 2013, 12:51 pm

    You don’t have to let it go. They were selfish and disrespectful and you have every right to be angry. They should all be ashamed of themselves and see they hurt you and apologize for that. Trust me. 2 years after my wedding disaster I’m still waiting for a sincere apology from my SIL.

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  • avatar

    Lynn September 22, 2013, 5:34 pm

    My in-laws refused to meet me because I had been married for a yr before I had met their 25yr old virgin son. They didn’t visit me when I was put in icu or help anytime I had kidney stone’s or pregnant with their grand child. Of course after my son was born they wanted him. Iv been with my husband for 14yrs and my mother inlaw has never asked me anywhere. Ive never heard them tell my husband they are proud of him. My husband was very emotionless with me because the way they perceived me. My inlaws only ever called me my first yr of marriage to whine about how I divided him and his sister. His sister acted like she was an exgirlfriend. If your in-laws hurt your wedding, just renew your vows on the beach. If your inlaws make u wish God would take to heaven (like mine) stay away. Trust me one incident isn’t as bad, find away to heal by doing something special and don’t invite them 🙂 or when u have your child dont tell them until 3day’s after. Hehehe get a little payback. …then let it go…for u

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