It’s only sometimes and it could be for a week, a couple days, or just one day. He ends up staying at his mom’s house on those nights — she lives 10 minutes away from us. He usually won’t call, but he is really bad with his phone in general and a lot of the time it’s out of minutes. I get really upset about this and it really hurts. I don’t understand why he would rather sleep at his mom’s house on the couch than at home with his girlfriend.
The last time he disappeared I was about ready to end things. I had no answers as to why he was pulling away and nothing made sense to me about our relationship anymore. He ended up explaining that he often does this and ruins great relationships because he pulls away instead of communicating and talking about his personal struggles. This last time he left it was because he started smoking cigarettes again and was afraid to tell me. I’m worried that, if he is already doing this at 1.5 years, what will it be like when we are married? Have you ever heard of anyone doing this? — Feeling Abandoned
Wait… your boyfriend regularly disappears — sometimes for up to a week — and doesn’t even call you to tell you where he is … or why he’s gone or when he’s going to come home?! And you say you have a great relationship? No, this is not what a “great relationship” looks like. A great relationship is not when one party moves back home with his mother for a few days because he started smoking and he doesn’t want his girlfriend to find out. That’s just fishy on so many levels. Did he think you’d never find out? Did he think you wouldn’t notice that he was gone?! For a week? Was he planning to quit smoking and then move back in with you? Did he pack a bag? WHY DOESN’T HE GET MORE MINUTES ON HIS CELL PHONE PACKAGE? Or, if he’s at his mother’s house, why doesn’t he borrow her phone? Or … even email you? Or just… you know, not sleep somewhere other than his own home with his girlfriend in the first place. None of it makes any sense.
The only conclusion I can come to is that he’s keeping something big from you. Maybe he’s sick or he’s cheating on you or he’s having major doubts about your relationship and doesn’t want to hurt you. When he told you that he’s done this before and that he has trouble opening up about his “personal struggles,” did you ask what those struggles are? Did you ask him why he started smoking again?? There’s obviously something going on and, if your boyfriend is telling the truth and this behavior precedes you and your relationship, then whatever it is that’s wrong has been wrong a really long time. You need to find out what it is and whether you and your relationship can handle it before you start planning the rest of your life with this person.
The strangest part of this is that he doesn’t call you — he literally abandons you without a word. Healthy people in great relationships don’t do that. He either wants out or he’s afraid you’ll want out and he’s trying to beat you to the punch. You need to find out which of those it is and why. Any thoughts of marriage should be put on the back burner for now. The way, way, way back burner. Like, a back burner in Istanbul.
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