When he has his 15-year-old daughter, he stays at his mom’s, where he kind of rents a room from her. He has a condo that he doesn’t stay in but pays a mortgage on. He tells me he needs to rent or sell it and then doesn’t do anything about it/puts it off. (He was renting it up until last June, but it’s been empty since). I am feeling hurt that he doesn’t chip in with anything at my place but pays his mom for the room he has there. I am also hurt that I haven’t met most of his family and am not a part of his family life. I have spoken to him about how I feel several times, and he says it will change and that I will be a part of all of their lives. Just when? His answer is “soon.” First, it was “before we move in together” and then it was “before the holidays.”
I also don’t understand why once a week he has to sleep at his mom’s for a visit. For example, during the weekend that just passed he was at his mom’s from Friday to Sunday, and he tells me through text this morning that he’s probably going back tonight after work. I’m starting to resent him. I’m not sure what to do since I feel so connected to him otherwise and have so much love for him. He says he loves me and has never had such an awesome relationship as the one we have; I agree. He says he was never been with a woman like me before ever. Am I missing something here? — Missing Something
I think what you’re missing is the truth. You’ve been with this man for two years — and you now essentially live together — and you’ve never met his three kids or his mother? WHY haven’t you met them? I can understand his wanting to wait a while before introducing you to his kids, but it’s been two years now. What’s his reason for stalling? And why hasn’t he introduced you to his mother, especially considering he lives with her part-time? Why would you let him move in with you without knowing this side of his life?
What you describe here does not sound “very mind/spirit/body” to me. There’s more to having a serious relationship with someone that just “getting along awesomely.” What about honesty? What about trust? What about sharing your life? What about open communication? From what you write, there is a major lack of those things.
It sounds like you’re in denial about the many holes in this relationship. The fact that your boyfriend doesn’t chip in with your living expenses is, like, the least of the issues here. Bigger concerns are that you have no idea why he hasn’t introduced you to his family, why he hasn’t rented out or sold his condo yet, why he stays at his mother’s house for days and pays her rent for a room. You have no time frame for when things will change. Your boyfriend doesn’t give you honest answers when you ask. In short, there’s A LOT you don’t know about this man, and it’s concerning that you have jumped into living with someone who has kept so much of his life — such major parts of his life — a total secret from you.
If I were you, I’d tell him that I’ve had enough of the secrecy and that, until he is ready to share his whole life with me, including introducing me to his mother and kids, and until he is ready to discuss future living arrangements as a partner (emotionally AND financially), he needs to take his belongings and go live somewhere else (like in his vacant condo or the room he rents from his mother). And then read “15 Things Couples Should Do Before Moving in Together,” paying close attention to 3, 4, 5, and 12 (but add “kids” to that, since, when I wrote the list, I figured that was a given/no-brainer when apparently it’s not).
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.