Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Long Distance Boyfriend Got Another Girl Pregnant”

stork

Nine months ago, I met a boy online. He lives in London and I live in Ireland, but I’m moving to London in six months, so we started a long-distance friendship. We have so much in common, and in these past nine months we started talking every day on Skype and calling each other. I even visited him in London a few months ago, and we were so happy.

However, the distance is so hard on us, and we both decided to be best friends now and develop a loving relationship once I move. I’m going to visit him again and he had planned a surprise for me — to ask me to be his girlfriend and try work it out until I move there. Unfortunately, he called me yesterday crying and saying that he had gotten a girl pregnant from a one-night stand. He’s ready to take on the responsibility of raising the baby, but he wants nothing to do with the girl. She is threatening to not let him see the baby if he doesn’t stay with her.

He says he still wants to stay with me, if I’m ok with the situation, but I’m afraid that, once this girl starts developing a bump and the pregnancy shows, he will feel too connected to her and will want to stay with her for the sake of the baby. I really love him, and I’m willing to stay with him and support and accept this baby, but I am also afraid that he will decide to stay with her. What should I do? — Competing with a Bump

Gurrl, you’ve met this guy in person ONCE. Sure, you may have a fantastic long-distance friendship, but that’s all it is at this point. You can’t have a real relationship based on just one face-to-face visit. You don’t know what a day-to-day life with him is like. There’s a lot you don’t know. Even if there were no baby mama in the picture, it would be premature to say he’s your boyfriend at this point.

I hope you aren’t moving to London FOR this guy. If you are, don’t. Either don’t go, or find some other reason to be there. But don’t move for some guy you’ve met once who got another girl pregnant recently. If you already have another reason for moving, don’t change your plans, but don’t go thinking you and this guy are boyfriend and girlfriend either. Continue your friendship and just play it by ear. Who knows where things will lead or what kind of relationship he’s going to maintain with his baby’s mother. As premature as it is to call yourself his girlfriend at this point, it’s just as premature start to predicting what will eventually come between you.

Play it by ear, keep your options open, and do not commit to this guy until you’ve lived in the same city for AT LEAST three months and have a better idea what his life is like and what his relationship is with this other woman. Frankly, I’d wait until the baby was born before deciding whether I’d stay with this guy.

In a related column, a woman wrote about how her new boyfriend got a woman pregnant a month before they began dating. My response to her, as well as her update, may be of some help to you and give you some insight about what kinds of challenges the future could hold.

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You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

34 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Kate January 28, 2014, 9:17 am

    What Wendy said, obviously, although I’d probably go even harder-core and say just walk away from this. I don’t think it’s real. I also have a hunch the “one night stand” story he’s telling you is a lie. Do you really believe that a one-night-stand would be threatening him to “stay with her?” I don’t. I think he has a girlfriend. I think that’s all tied up in “the distance is hard on us so we decided to be best friends now.” I think that’s something HE pushed so he could have his cake and eat it too. Maybe he was sort of planning to be done with his girlfriend by the time you moved there, I don’t know. But I would just ditch this whole thing at this point.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray January 28, 2014, 10:37 am

      harder-core or hard-corer? or more hard-core? or harder-corer?

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      • avatar

        Kate January 28, 2014, 10:48 am

        MORE HARDER CORER!

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  • avatar

    Jenny January 28, 2014, 9:22 am

    I could be wrong, but…it seems awfully suspect to me that this “one night stand” is demanding he be with her or she won’t let him see the baby. I think he’s not being truthful with you about the nature of their relationship. I’d say MOA.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest January 28, 2014, 9:33 am

      Some people think having baby = must be together, especially immediately after getting pregnant. I know, sounds crazy. I’m just saying this bc I got pregnant by a one night stand (technically bc it was our only time together, but I did know him otherwise) and there was a hot minute of panic that I thought we should try to be in a relationship. Obviously you could be right though.

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      • avatar

        Jenny January 28, 2014, 9:36 am

        I definitely considered that possibility, but she also doesn’t mention anything about him questioning paternity. If you were a guy and had a random one night stand, wouldn’t you not automatically assume the baby was yours? I would at least consider the possibility that the baby was someone else’s. It just seems sketchy to me.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 28, 2014, 10:26 am

        Oh it definitely is sketchy and odds (like 99% odds) are your first comment is the correct one, just felt like throwing that out there. Either way, I’d MOA from this whole situation.

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      • avatar

        Jenny January 28, 2014, 10:34 am

        There’s also a distinction between “acquaintance with whom I had a one night stand” and “random one night stand”, don’t you think? I would think you’d be more likely to demand involvement from the former than the latter. But who knows, this girl could just be crazy pants. Either way, I wouldn’t want to deal with it.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 28, 2014, 10:41 am

        Totally! And for the record, the idea of thinking it’d be good to have a relationship when you find out your pregnant and demanding one are also super different too. Haha.

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      • avatar

        Jenny January 28, 2014, 10:54 am

        Yeah, thinking it’s a good idea or giving it a shot is totally reasonable. I think in general, people want to have a relationship with their child’s parent, as long as that person isn’t awful, because they think that’s best for the kid. But obviously this lady isn’t thinking about what’s best for the kid if she is going to DENY her child a relationship with its father if he’s not dating her. I know it’s possible that this lady is really that awful, but like a true female DW commenter, I’m going to assume that the male is scum and the female is a reasonable person. Gotta balance out BGM 🙂

        If this “one night stand” is really demanding a relationship, he probably told her the same BS he told the LW.

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    • avatar

      ktfran January 28, 2014, 11:21 am

      Wait, wait, wait. Didn’t it work out for Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigel. I mean, if it worked for them, can’t any one night stand/baby/i’ll love you forever situation work?

      Oh, hold on, that was a movie. Never mind.

      Yes, there is either more to the story or this chick is crazy.

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      • avatar

        TECH January 28, 2014, 11:28 am

        Your point is one of the many reasons why I dislike the movie “Knocked Up”

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 28, 2014, 11:38 am

        Well that and Katherine Heigl.

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      • avatar

        TECH January 28, 2014, 11:43 am

        Agreed.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle January 28, 2014, 9:28 am

    Yeah, this is not worth it. You might think it’s the hard choice to walk away, because FEELINGS, but trust me, it’s the easiest & best choice. And life is awesome when the best choice is also the easiest, so don’t make life hard.

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  • avatar

    Kate January 28, 2014, 9:42 am

    I’ll share an experience I had, in case it helps. Years ago I met a guy online, not on a dating site, more a site kind of like this. Anyway I’m in the US and he was in Canada. We’d see each other on a pretty regular basis (although we’re talking about an 8-hour drive unless I’d make the shorter drive to Montreal and he’d fly there). He wanted us to date but my gut told me not to, so I kept saying let’s just see each other / be friends / whatever. We had what seemed like a soulmate connection, and we had very very fun times when we got together. So after a while we were dating although we hadn’t confirmed exclusivity. I didn’t assume it either. But one day after I’d made the 8-hour drive up there, I saw a pair of dangly earrings on his nightstand. I was like, “uh, whose are these?” He tried to say they were his sister’s at first, but I was like, “come on, your sister did not sleep in your room when she visited.” He finally admitted they were some girl’s that he brought home from the bar and had a one-night-stand with. I was like, you’re an effing idiot to have them sitting out on your nightstand, take me back to my car right now, I am out of here. And I drove home.

    But then like an idiot, I was like, well, maybe we should date exclusively! We weren’t exclusive, but I really like him, and if we were, then stuff like this wouldn’t happen! So yeah. I tried that. I finally had to break up with him for good because I never fully trusted him. He married someone a few years later, and IMMEDIATELY after the wedding he got caught cheating (he wouldn’t tell me the details but admitted that much) and his marriage was over. I haven’t really been in touch with him since.

    I believed that one-night-stand story at the time, but looking back on it, I really don’t. Like I said above, I don’t think I believe your guy either, and I’d say don’t get more deeply involved in this.

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  • avatar

    lemongrass January 28, 2014, 9:44 am

    Please don’t give your life to someone this easily- it leaves you open to be taken advantage of. Meeting someone once, a few months of talking, no matter how charming a person is, that is way too soon to commit to raising someone else’s baby. Your feelings for this guy are just as legitimate even if you don’t stay with him (which you shouldn’t).

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  • avatar

    TECH January 28, 2014, 9:51 am

    I feel like this letter should have been included in “face palm Friday”

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray January 28, 2014, 9:56 am

    Ha, the “we both decided” part and the “to be best friends now and develop a loving relationship once I move” part is code for “he” and “wants to bang other people now and then me when I get there.”

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    • avatar

      MMcG January 28, 2014, 11:45 am

      there should be an AP decoder ring!

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  • Lyra

    Lyra January 28, 2014, 10:07 am

    Oh man. Don’t move for him if that’s your motivation. And don’t be so quick to jump in with someone who you DON’T EVEN KNOW. (I say this as the girl who has been guilty of jumping in to relationships too quickly too many times.) You don’t even really know him. Talking long distance is very different than being with him in person.

    I will also say that since you refer to him as the “boy” that you met online, I’m guessing you’re both pretty young? He has a very long road ahead of him when it comes to figuring things out with the baby’s mom and caring for his child. My boyfriend’s younger brother is now 22 but was a senior in high school when his now 3-year-old daughter was born and from what I know of the situation it has been a very difficult road for him. He was in a relationship with his daughter’s mom at the time, but she broke up with him while she was pregnant. They remain civil to each other, but in order to help support his daughter, he lives at home, works nights, and goes to culinary school during the day. It’s a tough life. Putting distance from yourself and this whole situation will give you some clarity. Don’t jump right into a relationship with him right when you get there.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo January 28, 2014, 10:13 am

    Jeez, I want some girl to move from another country on the off chance i might develop a loving relationship with her. Who is it, Chris Hemsworth? No? In that case, maybe get some perspective. Of course, Thor would never knock up another girl while talking about how he wants to be with you.

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    • avatar

      starpattern January 28, 2014, 10:25 am

      “Who is it, Chris Hemsworth? No? In that case, maybe get some perspective.”

      LOL! But seriously, LW. Odds are this guy is not that special – I’d bet you can find another man whom you have lots in common with, who will not go around getting other ladies pregnant.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. January 28, 2014, 10:13 am

    Whether or not this story is true (And it might be, there are women like that out there.) do you really want this kind of drama?

    A. The story is true and there is a crazy baby mama who will be part of his life in some way;

    B. He’s lying, which means he’s a liar. Do you want to be with a liar?

    MOA.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. January 28, 2014, 10:16 am

    Oh, and C. He’s a guy who doesn’t practice safe sex with one-night stands. Still MOA.

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    • Lady_Red

      Red_Lady January 29, 2014, 1:01 am

      Seriously! Condoms!! More people really need to use them.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow January 28, 2014, 10:22 am

    This is my own bias, but IF he is telling the truth about it being a “one night stand” – do you want to be with someone who wouldn’t use a condom in that situation? Or did he also make up a story about it breaking? That would be a pretty big dealbreaker for me. I mean, I know shit happens and people make mistakes, but ….yeah. Especially if I had had sex with him at this point, I’d be like WHAT THE FUCK DUDE.

    My guess is that it was a more-than-one-night-stand, if not a girlfriend. Either way, MOA. It’s too much too soon, and too shady.

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl January 28, 2014, 10:25 am

    Yikes. 9 months ago you met this guy on the internet, you’ve seen him ONCE, and he’s gotten another girl pregnant? Um, no. You’re in love? Um, no. Just no.

    I hope you’re not moving for him. If you are, you need to put some serious breaks on that.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana January 28, 2014, 11:19 am

    Why would you willingly invite this level of stress and drama into your life for someone you have known less than year, and seen in person once? It just is literally nonsensical. I think you should put the brakes on this relationship before it develops more and becomes harder to leave. He is about to be a father, regardless of his relationship with the mother of the child, if he is a decent man,this will hugely impact his life and soon become his number 1 priority. It is hard enough starting a relationship, let alone with someone who has just become a father. Just let him move on with his life and you move on with yours, 9 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, and not enough time to complicate your life in a pretty irreversible way, at least for the foreseeable future. Get out of this relationship now, when the fallout will still be minimal.

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  • avatar

    Brian Fairbannks January 28, 2014, 11:37 am

    Wow, this guy sure is a master manipulator. Also: liar.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 January 28, 2014, 3:06 pm

    Is it weird that I have this feeling that the LW is going to stay with this guy no matter what? It just feels like it, because of how in love she is with somebody she only met once, and believes everything he says. How do you stay with somebody you had a one night stand with, doesn’t stay together mean you were a couple at some point? How many other girls do you think he was sleeping with while thinking up this grand surprise of asking you to be his girlfriend, because he likes you so much?

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    • avatar

      Kate January 28, 2014, 3:18 pm

      No, I’m with you, I think she will probably give this a shot. Unfortunately it’s easy/common to feel an intense emotional bond with someone you met online and rarely see. I can’t really explain why or how, but I’ve experienced it. I think part of it is, even if you’re not directly misrepresenting yourselves in your chat and conversations, you’re definitely putting a version of yourself out there that’s not your true, everyday-life self. And you create a version of the other person in your mind that’s not their true self either. The whole thing gets built up in your head as an alternate reality that you really believe, and you think you’re soulmates and no one will ever “get” you like they do. All the constant messaging is also addictive, in a way that doesn’t happen when you’re in an in-person everyday relationship.

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  • Cassie

    Cassie B January 28, 2014, 4:49 pm

    LW, may I suggest an excellent documentary by the name of Catfish? There’s also a tv series by the same name that I think is relevant to your situation. I know you’re in Ireland, but I am sure you can find it online to watch.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark January 29, 2014, 12:51 pm

    Desperate people do desperate things. Stay in Ireland and date people that actually live in the area. It blows my mind how many people fully engage in long distance relationships that are truly nothing more than fantasies…

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