Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Much Older Married Boss is In Love with Me”

I am a 21-year-old female who is currently working for an interior decorating company owned by a husband and his wife.

A month ago, I had to go to a college far from where I live to write an exam and I didn’t know where the place was so my boss (the husband) offered to take me. I was not happy about that because he is very annoying, however, I was in no position to refuse the offer. While traveling, we discovered our mutual love for rock and heavy metal music. When he dropped me off after my exam I could tell that there was a weird vibe between us.

Two days later, he began chatting to me on BBM, asking normal things like how my studies were going, etc. Suddenly, he said that he saw an advert for an Aerosmith concert and he was thinking of buying two tickets and secretly taking me away with him to watch it and things between us at work has not been the same ever since.

He told me of how from the day he saw me at my previous job that he was attracted to me and thought of how he’d get me to work for him. He says I’m much more emotionally mature than most girls my age and many other things which he should not be saying. I was, of course, mortified by all of this as he is my boss, he’s old enough to be my dad, and he’s married with two teenage kids.

It’s been a month since it began and I must admit that I am secretly attracted to him because he is, in fact, a good looking guy and because we work together, I’ve gotten to know him quiet well and he isn’t a bad person.

Even though I’m secretly attracted to him too, I know that it’s wrong in every way to act on that attraction. I’m always pushing him towards his family, saying that he is married, he needs to spend time with his family, etc., but he really doesn’t care about the fact that he has a wife.

He flirts with me when his wife is around, he whispers “I love you” to me when his wife is standing right next to him. He goes on a vacation with his family and friends, yet the entire time he attempts to call me and texts me begging me to answer his calls (I do not). He wants to take me out, he randomly gives me money (which I do not accept).

Maybe I’m gullible because I think that he is being sincere about his feelings for me, or maybe he just wants to get me to sleep with him.

But no matter what his intentions are, all I know is that I’m very much attracted to him now and it’s really messing up my mind because it’s wrong to feel this way about a married man who is the same age as my father. I must reiterate that I will not act on my feelings towards him.

How should I handle the situation and how can I stop being attracted to him? I’ve been searching for a new job since last month but no positions seem to be opening up just yet.

Kindly note that I have been through many jobs in the past year and a half & hated them all. This is the first job that I’m enjoying because I’m good at it so it will be really sad for me to leave and it will be rather difficult to find a job that I enjoy again. I do know that I cannot stay here for much longer because all of my co-workers have figured out that my boss is in love with me. What if his wife finds out soon? I don’t want to be the one to ruin their marriage even though I have not been vocal about my feelings for him nor have I done anything wrong as my boss does not know that I feel this way about him too and I have no intention of ever making known my true feelings. I’m hoping that it is just a silly phase that will pass soon. — Infatuated with Married Boss

Look, your boss doesn’t love you any more than he loves his favorite old pair of shoes. You are just something to help pass the time. You are eye candy. You’re a game to him. You’re a young, pretty thing he can feel dominant and powerful over. You are a distraction in his life. You are not someone he legitimately cares about. Certainly, you’re not someone he loves. And you would never be the reason his marriage was ruined. Never. Not even if his wife found out her husband was acting inappropriately with you. Not even if you confessed your feelings. You are probably one in a long line of young women your boss has preyed on, and his wife probably knows about most, if not all, of them. She probably knows about YOU.

You are in WAY over your head here. Your boss is a predator. He is preying on you because he KNOWS how naive you are. He knows that, with a few cheap tricks, he can win you over, maybe win your affection and attention. Maybe even get you to sleep with him, perhaps fall for him. It’s all a game. You give him something to pass his time with because he’s bored with his life. He does not care about you. And I know this because he doesn’t treat you like someone he cares about. He doesn’t treat you like someone he loves. He treats you like an object — a toy thing for him to play with. He is NOT a good person. And he sure as shit would never in a million years let YOU ruin ANYTHING of his — not his marriage, not his business, and not his reputation. He is in full control. And you have zero control. You are in a position of losing your job with nothing else lined up because you know you can’t stay where you are. That’s how huge the power discrepancy is here. Think about that.

You may have hated all the jobs you’ve ever had, but, if you stay where you are, this is about to be one of the worst situations yet. You have developed feelings for someone who doesn’t care about you and is in a position of hurting you, both emotionally and financially. Please, leave your job now and delete this man from your life. Delete his contact information and every way you have of getting in touch with him and vice versa. Because you ARE gullible if you think his feelings for you are sincere. And if you’re gullible enough to fall so quickly for someone who clearly isn’t a good person and who uses tired old cliched tricks to get young girls to fall for him (offering money, talking about how much you have in common and how he fell for you the moment he saw you, asking about random things in your life to give the illusion he gives a shit, begging you to call him so you feel so needed and wanted), then I worry about how far you’ll allow yourself to fall if you don’t get out now. Get out now. Get out while you still have your dignity. Get out before you do anything to regret or feel ashamed about. Get out before you give legitimate reason to gossip about you or harm your reputation. Just get out. Get out and don’t look back.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

25 comments… add one
  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray December 23, 2014, 8:48 am

    Perfect response, Wendy.

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    RedroverRedrover December 23, 2014, 9:08 am

    Ugh, this guy is disgusting. Listen to Wendy, LW!

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    Laura Hope December 23, 2014, 9:22 am

    Nabakov’s “Lolita” comes to mind–not because you’re 12 and certainly not because you’re the “light of my life, fire of my loins”, but because he’s the handsome, suave(?) middle aged predator, always plotting and manipulating. Next time you see him, call him Humbert.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray December 23, 2014, 9:39 am

      But Humbert Humbert was in love with Lolita! That book was so beautifully written that you catch yourself feeling sorry for a heartbroken… pedophile.

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      • call-me-hobo

        call-me-hobo December 23, 2014, 10:06 am

        He’s an unreliable narrator, AP! That’s the whole point!

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray December 23, 2014, 10:46 am

        Plus whatshisname wrote it in English! That would’ve been. … hard.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray December 23, 2014, 10:47 am

        Nabokov! duh. look, proof i took english in high school

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray December 23, 2014, 12:41 pm

        also, your mom is an unreliable narrator, oh snap.

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      • call-me-hobo

        call-me-hobo December 23, 2014, 1:09 pm

        OH SNAP WHY WOULD YOU HURT ME SO MUCH. ALL I DID WAS LOVE YOU

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    Laura Hope December 23, 2014, 9:53 am

    You’re right. This guy’s no Humbert.He’s just your average creep. But I had to find a way to work it in. I love that book! I think he’s one of the best writers ever.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray December 23, 2014, 10:47 am

      agreed!

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy December 23, 2014, 10:26 am

    Ehhh. I do agree about getting out of there as soon as possible, but I’d say find another job first. In the meantime, try to keep as much distance between your creepy boss and you as possible.
    I would also say – telling someone to quit their job before they have something else lined up is kind of terrible advice.

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    • avatar

      Kate December 23, 2014, 10:55 am

      I was thinking that too. Since nothing physical has happened yet (I hope that’s true!), maybe Wendy’s take on the situation will make the LW open her eyes to reality and will break her false attraction to her boss. If so, then maybe she can stick around long enough to find another job, and just be like, “come on, you’re married, I’m not interested in getting involved.”

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 December 23, 2014, 11:06 am

        I don’t know, to me it doesn’t sound like the LW can make it much longer with out doing something, she says she can, but I really doubt that. She has already let it go on way to long. You can tell she has been in love with this guy from the beginning, or she would have shut him down right away. There is no way with all of the technology out there that she needed her boss to drive her to college so she could take an exam, it is not hard at all to say no to something like that especially if she thought he was “annoying” She is just making excuses so she doesn’t seem as bad as this creep. I bet that “your so mature” line works 10 out of 10 times for that handsome devil.

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      • CurlyQue

        CurlyQue December 23, 2014, 11:42 am

        I really disagree with “she has already let it go on way to long.” The LW is the victim. She has been put into a situation that she does not want, and where the power is all on her boss’ side (which is obviously on purpose). I think it’s unfair to blame her for this when she’s stated she has not reciprocated anything he has suggested (except for requesting the drive which was before he had started being inappropriate).

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 December 23, 2014, 1:32 pm

        She isn’t much of a victim, she loves all of the attention and she has reciprocated just by the fact of not putting a stop to it, and letting him go on and on and on with it, because she is hot for him. She could have put a stop to it at the very beginning, but she didn’t. She didn’t have to accept a ride from him, that is just weird, and she knows that kind of thing doesn’t happen in a regular work place, your new boss doesn’t just offer to drive you to a school far away, they tell you to google it, or use your phone. She thought he was hot so she let it go. Believe me I think this guys is a straight up asshole, and is to blame more than anyone here, but this girl really likes what is going on, and if it weren’t for this guy being married with kids, and her moral compass kicking in they would be in bed already. If she were really uncomfortable she would be out of this situation already. Heck her question is how can she stop being attracted to him.

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    Eve December 23, 2014, 10:37 am

    “He flirts with me when his wife is around, he whispers “I love you” to me when his wife is standing right next to him. ” – disgusting. Talk about arrogant, egocentric, power-loving ass-hole who feels the need to prey on young gullible women who he has total power over to make him feel good about himself.
    He’s old, experienced and thrives on the need to feel powerful, he knows all the tricks in the book and you are young and naive. I personally know that kind of men, they rarely give a damn about anyone other than themselves – hence the need to feel not only financial, but emotional control over you.
    Start looking for new jobs asap and when you have something lined up, quit. You’re so young (not that I’m much older 😉 ), you’ll have so many opportunities ahead of you! You will find a job you love MINUS the sociopath boss hitting on you to boost his ego.
    Whatever you do, continue what you’ve been doing, don’t give him any attention he wants, keep your act together.
    Good luck x

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  • CurlyQue

    CurlyQue December 23, 2014, 11:39 am

    Couldn’t the LW quit her job and request unemployment citing her boss’ predatory and inappropriate behavior as the reason? I think if she kept all the texts and things he’s been sending then she’d have a pretty clear cut case. I wouldn’t worry that the wife would find out what he’s been doing and be upset, their relationship is not the LW’s business, the LW’s business is taking care of herself which getting unemployment while looking for a new job would do. It would also serve the creepy boss right to have to pay unemployment because of how he acted.

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    • avatar

      Anna December 23, 2014, 1:22 pm

      I’m pretty sure you are only eligible for unemployment if you are terminated or laid off. If you quit voluntarily, they see that differently.

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    booknerd December 23, 2014, 12:14 pm

    She could file for unemployment, but he could contest it as her boss and they could wind up in court. Not saying that’s not a good idea, but it might be more trouble then it’s worth for her emotionally and typically takes months.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny December 23, 2014, 3:09 pm

    Ugh, this is just gross. I’d quit right away if it were me, but it’s probably wisest to find a new job, in anything, asap just to get out of there. If the boss has any sort of clout, he *could* make things difficult for her if she leaves and tries to get a job elsewhere. If she tries to stay in the same industry, he could call up his contacts and make up something about her as retaliation for her leaving. It could happen!

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark December 23, 2014, 4:11 pm

    I think you REALLY egged him on by NEEDING him to drive you to that exam. I get that you “had no other choice.” Um, hmmmm. Yeah right. To me this sound more like a case of a damsel desperately sending out all signals of distress, then being caught off guard that somebody actually came to her rescue…

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    wobster109 December 23, 2014, 6:41 pm

    Hon, what’s there to like about this creeper? He is unprofessional. He doesn’t care about his family. He puts you in a rough spot at work. He does things that make you miserable even after you try to push him away. He is “annoying” in your own words (I’d call him far worse). He is, in every way, an inappropriate creeper who’s ruining his family and driving you away from a job you otherwise enjoy. You should hate him.

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  • Lyra

    Lyra December 23, 2014, 6:49 pm

    This is, to put it mildly, extremely inappropriate. He’s literally taking advantage of you, LW, for being young and inexperienced in the work place. You DON’T have to sit and deal with it. Personally? I would go find another job. Start searching today. I know you say you haven’t liked previous jobs…buttttt you’re only 21. I honestly haven’t met a 21 year old who was at a job they loved and wanted to stay at long term. I promise you will find another job you enjoy.
    .
    Once you’re on your way out of it, report his ass. This probably hasn’t been the first time he has done this and people need to know. I’m not sure exactly *who* you should talk to about it, but probably Human Resources, not to mention the person who is above him. He needs to realize that his actions will have consequences.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle December 23, 2014, 8:21 pm

    Everyone else addressed everything else–first of all you DO sound very mature–so I’m gonna address your possible inner monologue. I think most women, at some point, deal with inappropriate men hitting on them. And there’s stages. Stage 1.) (assuming you are attracted to them!! This doesn’t apply to more sinister situations) is “oh yeeuhhh I’m so hawt I made this man act out of line with my hotness. And he’s hot too! star-crossed lovahz!” stage 2 is. “Oh, I like thid dude. He encompasses qualities that i think good dudes encompass. But he’s acting. ..like this… still. So I guess all dudrs are gross and fuck them all, why even try”. Lw try, if your mindset is between 1 & 2, (if noy, ignore!) to get yo syage 3 which is, some dudes are creeps.

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