Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My New Husband Already Wants to Leave”

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My now-husband and I started dating in February 2014. We got married in August 2015, we opened a business in January of this year, and now the business is going bankrupt (only my husband is filing). We’ve moved around a lot for work and we’ve always been stressed about money, which causes us to fight. About a month ago, my husband told me that he hasn’t been happy, that he no longer sees our future together, that we don’t have much in common, and that there’s nothing to save. He said that, although he loves me and I’m the love of his life, love isn’t enough to make a relationship last and we won’t be able to fix our problems. Even though I basically begged him to stay (yesterday was the fourth time this past month I begged), he says it’s final. We love each other and I want to make things work, but he thinks history will repeat itself and that, if I love him, I need to let him go. I love him more than anything — he’s literally my whole world and I don’t want to end things. Do you think he’s right and I should just leave? — Nothing to Save?

It sounds like HE is the one doing the leaving and you have no choice in the matter. Moreover, even if you had a choice, you shouldn’t stay with him. He’s told you in many ways that he does not want to be married to you and that he sees no future with you and that this is final. I say be grateful he’s telling you now while you’ve only invested two years in this relationship and don’t have kids together or more shared property and assets to divide, etc. I have a friend going through the same thing — her husband is literally saying the exact same things your husband is — and she’s invested well over ten times the amount of years you have. Trust me, you’re in a better position and I bet that, if I asked my friend what advice she might have for you, it would be: run. And she would also say that your husband is right and history does repeat itself.

Even if you and your husband worked things out, he’s going to pull this again. It might be three years from now or five years from now or eight years from now. It may be after enough time has passed that you trust him again and believe in your relationship and have convinced yourself that he was simply stressed out with money and a failing business when he talked about leaving, and thank God you fought to save your relationship. And then he’ll pull out the rug from under you and leave you. And you’ll have a lot more to lose at that point, especially if you’ve continued letting him be your whole world.

Two things to consider: A man rarely walks away from a marriage the way your husband is doing unless there’s someone else waiting for him.

No man, no matter how much you love and adore him, should ever “literally” be your “whole world.” It’s boring for him, it’s unhealthy for you, and it makes it much harder to make empowering decisions that save you from longterm misery (and potential financial ruin).

Get out, get a life for yourself, and move on with the relative peace and comfort that this marriage wasn’t meant to be and that there’s a better match for you out there whom you’re giving yourself plenty of time to find.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

24 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Kate April 19, 2016, 8:24 am

    100% yes to the concept that you’d find this happening again in the future even if there were a chance he’d change his mind right now – which he won’t if you’ve begged him 4x this month to reconsider and he says it’s final. It is. And you’ve only invested two years total in the relationship. I can imagine how you feel, as a relatively newly married person myself, but there’s something wrong if he’s your whole world. What did you do before him? What was your life like? Have you grown since then? Where’s your support network? You need to start rebuilding it, and see a therapist for help through this time as well.
    .
    Wendy is right also that it’s EXTREMELY rare for a guy to just be done with a marriage unless he’s got someone else. Or he’s mentally ill. Or he’s one of those wackos who’s in love with love and rushes everything to the finish line and then goes down in flames. There’s nothing to salvage here.

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  • avatar

    Anna April 19, 2016, 8:36 am

    Why would you want to stay with someone who wants to leave you? That makes 0 sense. You can’t force someone to stay, and ffs save some dignity for yourself when you eventually do move on. My mother use to say that ‘no one completes you but yourself’ and I encourage you to move forward with that mindset. You can do it LW, many woman have before you, find comfort in that. Good luck!

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  • avatar

    GertietheDino April 19, 2016, 8:39 am

    Oh sister…

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  • avatar

    Essie April 19, 2016, 8:49 am

    Oh, honey, no. There’s nothing to save.

    You can’t make someone love you. You just can’t. No matter how many times you beg. And please, don’t beg. Never beg. Do you want him to stay out of pity? Of course you don’t. What’s the point of a marriage to someone who doesn’t want to be there?

    Unfortunately, some marriages are just mistakes. Learn from this one, and go make yourself a better life. And Wendy’s right – you can’t make someone your “whole world.” That’s not the way it’s supposed to work. You’re a better partner when you have a life of your own. Your own friends, your own interests. Build yourself a good life, and then when the right guy comes along, you can add him to it.

    You’re gonna be OK. Really, you are. 🙂

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine April 19, 2016, 8:54 am

    WWS. Be grateful he’s leaving because clearly you wouldn’t and nothing about this relationship sounds particularly loving or even good. Learn from this and work on your own sense of self.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana April 19, 2016, 9:17 am

    I think this guy is doing you a huge disservice with the continuing of the “you are the love of my life” and “I still am so in love with you” — these are his words, which you are clinging to hard. Right now though, his actions are showing something VERY different. A dude who is actually in love, does not walk away from a 2 year relationship and marriage that hasn’t had any major problems until recently. There is a huge disconnect here and instead of believing some of his words (I am leaving, this is over) and all of his actions you are just stuck on this “we are still so in love” narrative and it lends this tragic, rom-com, dramatic edge to things. This is not a movie or a story, this is real life and your real life husband is telling you he does not love you and does not want to be with you. Yes, this is harsh and it hurts really badly, but 2 years (even though you are married) is such a small amount of time to be with someone. Let him leave you- stop begging. Trust him when he says he is over you and wants the relationship to end. Begin to move on with your life and rediscover yourself. You sound like you have majorly lost yourself in this relationship.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo April 19, 2016, 9:49 am

    This is really hard and I feel for you. I know you don’t want to accept this but you should believe your husband when he says it’s over. Only grief awaits you if you successfully beg him not to go (for 3 mos? 6 mos? 2 years? 10?). Better to accept the grief and work through it now, because your only other choice is to defer it for later. Based on a good friend and a sister who had marriages or LTRs end when they were in their 40s, I would say you are lucky in a way to know what you know now rather than ten or fifteen years from now. By the way, both were able to sort their lives out and eventually find love again. Better to hope for that than to cling like death to something that isn’t going to work out. Good luck.

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  • avatar

    PumpkinSpice April 19, 2016, 9:56 am

    No man, no matter how much you love and adore him, should ever “literally” be your “whole world.” It’s boring for him, it’s unhealthy for you, and it makes it much harder to make empowering decisions that save you from longterm misery (and potential financial ruin).

    Wendy, this should be your slogan. I have been seeing a disturbing trend in the LWs as of late, with them professing that their significant other is “their everything “. No one except you should be your everything. This is not healthy. Only you can make you happy. Only you can make the right decisions for yourself. You cannot and should not rely on someone else to fulfill your life. You need to have your own life, make your own way in this world. If you find someone who compliments that life then that is great. But don’t rely on anyone except you for your happiness.
    LW, you need to get out of this unfulfilled marriage and find yourself. Women need to forge their own path and make their own way. We are past the times of relying on someone else to take care of our basic needs. I know this is hard for you, but this man is doing you a favor. He is telling you that he isn’t happy, and therefore cannot make you happy. There is someone else out there for you. Someone better suited for you. Someone who will add to your life instead of taking it down. Let him go and go find true happiness.

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny April 19, 2016, 10:00 am

    I think there’s something missing here. He’s leaving out a reason. Unfortunately, you’ll probably find out what (or who) it is a few months after you go through with the divorce.

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  • avatar

    bondgirl April 19, 2016, 10:35 am

    This is why everybody — men and women alike — needs to read “He’s Just Not That Into You.” When a man says he’s no longer in love, interested, etc….there’s no room for interpretation; he means exactly that. He’s no longer in love, interested, etc. A friend of mine had a similar situation where after a year and a half of marriage, her husband just one day out of the blue said he made a mistake and wanted a divorce. Sure enough he’d started dating a coworker within the next 2-3 months. Joke’s on him though; she met husband #2 shortly after their divorce was finalized, and I don’t think they (her and husband #2) could be any happier together if they tried.

    Point here is, it’s gonna suck but cut your losses now. The sooner you rip off the metaphorical band aid, the sooner you can heal and move on. My friend is a very mentally strong, independent person and didn’t spend any time trying to convince husband #1 to stay…she dealt with the stress and heartache on her own and by doing so, she was able to heal and create the space needed in order to let someone much better into her life.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark April 19, 2016, 11:09 am

    So…. You guys married too fast. Open a business together so lousy it failed almost immediately. Now he is being very direct and honest about how he views the relationship is doomed. Oh, and HE alone filed for bankruptcy — leaving you with good credit. And yet damn near everyone on here is labeling HIM as a bad guy? Whatever. Good people end marriages ALL the time — for good reasons. And I know just as many women who had lovers waiting in the wings as men — if not more…
    .
    LW. Listen to him. Hear what he is saying. Walk away as gracefully as HE is trying to do…

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    • Eljay

      Eljay April 19, 2016, 11:38 am

      I’m sorry…”damn near everyone?” I see a resounding “Let him go, this relationship is not worth trying to save, you deserve to be happy, be strong.” I see no one who labeled him as a bad guy. Looks to me like “damn near everyone” is trying to tell her to MOA and make a new life for herself.

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      • avatar

        Scarlet A April 19, 2016, 12:03 pm

        That doesn’t fit with BGM’s narrative that The Bad Wimmenz are out to get all men. I just scroll past his comments because they are rarely based in reality of what’s going on in the thread, advice or letter.

        LW, a breakup is not a two-party event. Your husband is leaving the marriage. That sucks and is painful for you, but he doesn’t need your permission or endorsement to end it. Most breakups and divorces are not mutual. Focus your energies on making a clean break, dealing with the paperwork and division of property fairly, and moving on.

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      • Eljay

        Eljay April 19, 2016, 1:30 pm

        LOL! This is so true. I usually just shake my head and think to myself “is he even reading the same comments as the rest of us?” But then I keep it moving and finish reading the awesome advice given. But for some reason, this time it was so off base I couldn’t get past it without saying something.

        And great advice, btw.

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    • avatar

      bekahtravels April 19, 2016, 12:00 pm

      BGM makes a good point that the husband is leaving the LW with good credit. It may seem horrible now for the LW that her husband is leaving, but in the long run having not declared bankruptcy will help her in the future quite a lot. I hope she can come to terms with the suddenness of the divorce/separation and make a better well-rounded life for herself (where her world revolves around more than just one person).

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  • avatar

    Karen April 19, 2016, 11:53 am

    Dear LW, My heart breaks for you. I remember my first husband telling me he was leaving me just short of our second wedding anniversary. The pain is so overwhelming, you fear you can’t bear it. Believe him that his is done and start planning your life without him. You will survive this. You can’t see this now, but your everything is YOU, not him. With the help of a good therapist, I was able to get through the hell. Be gentle with yourself, especially for the first six months. Reach out for support.

    Looking back 19 years now, I’m grateful he left when he did. Before children, before we bought a house. I have been married for 15 years now to a much better partner for me.

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  • FireStar

    Firestar April 19, 2016, 12:05 pm

    Maybe there is someone waiting in the wings. Maybe there isn’t. It truly doesn’t matter at this stage. Summon back your dignity and cut the ties you have cleanly and move on. One day, I promise you, will be wondering why you clung so hard so something that was already gone.

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  • avatar

    MiMi April 19, 2016, 12:06 pm

    Sugar, see a lawyer and an accountant and make sure your financial and legal position vis a vis the bankrupt company and the bankruptcy filing is legit and fair. This rapid exit by your husband stinks to high heaven.

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  • Dear Wendy

    Dear Wendy April 19, 2016, 4:25 pm

    From the LW:

    He dropped me off at work this morning. I felt like something wrong so I walked back home. I found him in bed with a life long friend of his!! When I asked him to make her leave he told me that I should leave. It’s not like him at all, he’s not the person that sleeps around and when I told him that he said that since he’s single it is (since yesterday). He laughs at me when I try to get an explanation and he left the house. I’m packing my things but he left me with no money at all. My family is in a different country I have no one here. A friend of mine booked me a plane ticket tomorrow afternoon to see her but I can’t even pay for the bags. I can’t believe he changed within a second like this! I’m torn!

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    • avatar

      Essie April 19, 2016, 6:04 pm

      Sweetie, he didn’t change within a second. He was always like this. He either hid it well, or you didn’t want to see it because he was your whole world. Clearly, he is a person that sleeps around, too: that life-long friend has been more than a ‘friend’ for a long time, I’m sure. People don’t suddenly jump into bed with a friend one day after they decided to divorce.

      Call your family and ask for help. You need legal help, too, to make sure that you get what you’re due in the settlement. This is very important: Make sure you get copies of any important financial paperwork, bank statements, deeds to any property you own together. Do it before you leave tomorrow, and take them with you. Take any valuables that you own with you, too. Assume he’s going to screw you out of your money. You need to protect yourself.

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      • avatar

        saneinca April 19, 2016, 6:45 pm

        In that case, don’t go anywhere yet. The marriage is clearly over but find a job and another place to stay and then leave.

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    • avatar

      Ange April 19, 2016, 6:44 pm

      Whoa! So sorry to hear this LW. I hope you make it to your friend ok. Even a carry on with the essentials might do, you probably need a friend more than you need a bunch of clothes right now. Also: lawyer up!

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    • avatar

      va-in-ny April 20, 2016, 11:30 am

      Ugh, this makes me so sad for you – finding out that way – gosh! I’m so so sorry.

      In spite of how horrible this probably is for you, you should be able to walk away now without the internal battle of “what happened? What could I have done?”

      Go and visit your friend, take nothing if you can’t afford to. It would do you well to get away and lean on a support system, even if it is only for a few days. Listen to the advice here – get some legal help. What he did is NOT okay and you deserve to get more than “left with nothing”.

      Best of luck to you, dear.

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  • avatar

    Nadia April 19, 2016, 4:46 pm

    Yes, please run!!! A few years ago, I got an annulment after having been married only 6 months because my ex “didn’t feel a connection” and “wasn’t really in love” with me. He had been saying those things in so many words for 5 of the 6 months of our “marriage,” but each time I would try to convince him I was in fact lovable, and convince myself he was just scared/inexperienced (I was his first real relationship). NOT WORTH IT. By the time I finally let go, I was so exhausted from attempting to make an already dead-end relationship work, that I felt relieved I didn’t have to do that anymore (even though having one divorce and one annulment under my belt in my early 30s felt really embarrassing, and I did think I loved him). Save yourself the heartache and stress, and cut your losses now.

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