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“My New Husband Took Nude Photos of My Daughter”

I am in a crisis here and I need help. My 16-year-old daughter caught my husband of literally not even a month trying to take pictures of her getting out of the shower. I confronted him and he finally did admit to it. He didn’t get any pictures that I know of. This is a first time offense for him. I’ve known him since high school and this is just not like him. I have told him he needs to get help immediately and he is not to be alone with my child at all until we can trust him again. Am I stupid for not just giving up everything because he violated my daughter like that? I feel like a bad parent. My daughter did say she’s okay with my decision to let him stay as long as he gets help and isn’t allowed to be alone with her. He’s turned my world upside down and all I want is to be back to the way it was. I know it will never be like that but I can at least try to get it there. Please help. — Mom in Crisis

“First offense” or not, your new husband violated your under-aged daughter during one of the most personal and private of moments. And you’re going to allow him to continue sharing a bed with you? Continue living under the same roof as the young person he violated? I am sure you must be in shock right now, so I’ll spell it out for you clearly: this is not a man who should be allowed around your daughter, period.

Can you ever imagine having to share a home with a man who took photos of you against your will as you were climbing out of the shower? Your job as a mother is to provide a safe and loving home for your daughter and making her live in a home where she’s been violated is not doing that. Kick out your husband, seek some therapy, talk to a lawyer, and consider having your marriage annulled.

I know those aren’t the words you want to hear, but they’re the words you need to hear. I don’t care if you’ve known this person since high school and this is out of character for him, a man who would violate a young person — well, any person — like that even once is not a good or healthy man. He’s not a man a nice woman would want to call “husband.” And he’s definitely not a man a loving mother would make a step-father for her children. Please do not subject your daughter to this person. Protect her. It’s your job.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 223 comments… add one }

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 9:46 am

OMG!

You must treat this as a “tip of the iceberg” discovery. That is, what you just found out must, simply MUST, be a small part of something much larger and more threatening.

Maybe he has a stash of pix on his pc or phone. Maybe he is a member/contributor to creep sites. Maybe pix he took of YOU secretly are out there.

Maybe none of those (or other) things is the case. At this point, though, you do not know and you have good reason to suspect bad things.

Get safe. Tell someone or some folk you trust and do it fast.

avatar SuzyQ October 18, 2012, 1:21 pm

I worry A LOT about this. The daughter is trying to keep the peace and not rock the boat when she says it’s okay if the pervert stays. Is she hiding some other inappropriate behavior he’s committed for the same reason??????

avatar SuzyQ October 18, 2012, 2:01 pm

Another sick thought – this could have been a technique that the husband used to test the daughter’s strength. Start small and see if she reports him to the mother. If she hadn’t, he almost certainly would have known he could move on to more abuse without fear.

avatar RacheyG October 24, 2012, 11:46 am

I am disgusted that a grown woman would pick a man over her child. When you become a parent, your child comes safety and well-being becomes more important that anything else. Period. What a horrific excuse for a mother. I’m not even sure how this became a hard decision.

JK JK October 18, 2012, 9:46 am

WWs x a million
I really hope the shock is to blame for your decision, LW. DTMFA, and please take care of your daughter, I can only imagine how violated she must feel. ANd apologize for having thought of letting hte guy stay on.That must have been awful for her

JK JK October 18, 2012, 10:02 am

That should read “apologize to your daughter for having thought…”

MackenzieLee MackenzieLee October 18, 2012, 10:38 am

I definitely agree about apologizing to your daughter. She surely feels like you picked him over her. 16 is a pivotal age in her development. Make sure she knows how much you love her and how much you want to protect her from all evil in the world (even if that evil is sharing your bed).

avatar Addie Pray October 18, 2012, 9:49 am

Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck. I just vomited a little in my mouth.

avatar mf October 18, 2012, 9:50 am

I just going to say it. If you let him stay, then yes, you are stupid and you are a bad parent. Honestly, I can’t believe you’re even considering keeping this creep around.

EscapeHatches EscapeHatches October 18, 2012, 12:58 pm

Absolutely. What he did was a gross violation of everyone’s trust, and this pesky thing known as “THE LAW.” Get him the hell out of your home. Protect your family. Consider turning him in – it’s unlikely he’d be convicted on your testimony – but at least it gets him on the radar.

If you let him stay, be prepared for your daughter to never trust you fully again.

avatar rangerchic October 18, 2012, 9:50 am

No matter what he says if he’s done it once he will likely do it again…somehow sometime in the future. It might your daughter again or her friend. Don’t be *that* mom that knew and didn’t do anything about it.

avatar temperance October 18, 2012, 9:56 am

LW, just be thankful that you cauht him trying to take photos and not trying to rape her. Now, call the fucking COPS before he does rape her, and divide that piece of shit. I am so sorry.

avatar temperance October 18, 2012, 1:40 pm

I typed this on my phone. Divide should be DIVORCE. DIVORCE him, because HOLY SHIT HE TRIED TO MAKE CHILD PORN OF YOUR DAUGHTER.

avatar j.walker October 18, 2012, 2:54 pm

And also divide him… Like, his dick from the rest of his body.

avatar jlyfsh October 18, 2012, 9:57 am

If she chooses to tell someone and they find out that you chose him over your daughter (which I’m sorry but just asking your child if they’re ok with this person they are probably scared of staying in the house, isn’t making sure she’s safe or ok) I believe you may suffer consequences for that.

Why would you be ok with a man who tried to look at your daughter naked staying in your home? I am kind of disgusted by both of you. Do you not feel extremely violated for your daughter? Do you not care that the man who says he loves you and has sex with you tried to look at your daughter naked?

I don’t care how old she is or how old she looks or how mature you or he thinks she is, she’s a kid, and neither you or him should forget that. I just can’t get over how you would choose him over your own child. And to be honest if I was your daughter I would never feel safe in my own home or with you again. How can she trust you when you’re choosing a man over her?

JK JK October 18, 2012, 9:58 am

Seriously.
I mean who would be OK with their husband trying to take naked pics of ANYONE else? And LW is forgiving him after he did to HER TEEN DAUGHTER???? I really feel sick over this.

avatar asdf October 22, 2012, 6:17 pm

I’ve known several people who were sexually abused as children. One girl and her sister were abused by their father… the mom knew and eventually put a stop to it, but never turned him in or sought any help for the victims because she didn’t want her husband prosecuted. Another was raped as a child by a camp counselor; her mother covered the whole thing up because she was having an affair with the man’s brother and didn’t want it to come to light. Another was raped — repeatedly — by her brother, over many years. The parents both knew but never stopped him. Their logic was that they didn’t want to see him imprisoned, so they weren’t going to do anything to protect her.

The common thread here is that the parents were trying to balance the competing needs of their loved ones. What makes what they did so wrong was that the competition was between an abuser and their victim. Any compromise at all means that she’s become an accessory (so far after the fact) to the abuse.

What happens when he strikes again? Again, with profuse apologizes and assurances that it won’t be repeated. Don’t be silly, it WILL happen if she lets this time go. He struck within a few weeks of the marriage being finalized. He’s almost certainly been fantasizing and planning this all through the engagement. You just don’t burst into a bathroom with a camera like that on a one-time never-to-be-repeated impulse. Iceberg situation for sure. If it happens again, the fact that she covered it up THIS time makes her culpable (morally if not legally) for the NEXT time.

LW screwed up marrying him. She needs to divorce him ASAP, reporting what happened to the police.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 10:03 am

Yes!

Deal-breaker! Marriage or no marriage. Maybe, just maybe, a man in a moment of weakness might peek. Maybe.

Taking pix, or trying to, requires deliberate planning and premeditation, and not some hypothetical momentary impulse.

The message here is that LW does not know this man. She thought she did, but he has just proven otherwise.

avatar Lindsay October 18, 2012, 1:25 pm

Yes! I’m not sure how she can know that this is out of character for him. People don’t hang signs around their neck saying that they take pics of teenage girls. It’s not something you’re going to find out about someone by going to high school with them.

landygirl landygirl October 18, 2012, 11:17 am

I never ceases to amaze me when a parent chooses their own desires over the welfare of their children. This man is a disgusting pig who violated her daughter and she’s asking if she should keep him around? Ridiculous!!

avatar Desiree October 18, 2012, 9:58 am

I agree with j2. Don’t consider this a “first offense.” Consider this your first look into the kind of man he really is and get the hell out.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 10:05 am

Absolutely!

I just posted exactly that in reply to jlyfsh!

avatar SuzyQ October 18, 2012, 1:26 pm

YES!!!!!! It’s the only thing he’s been CAUGHT doing. What else has he done? And what other inappropriate behavior has the daughter been subjected to, uncomfortable with, and didn’t tell for fear of upsetting her mother???? Arghhhh!!!!!

avatar Jenny October 18, 2012, 9:59 am

What. the. fuck. Trust me, this IS “just like him”. People just don’t one day decide to take nude photos of minors. This man is sick. Get him away from your daughter. Don’t continue to expose your daughter to a man who victimized her while he gets “help”. Your duty to your daughter is much higher than your duty to this man.

avatar Jenny October 18, 2012, 11:38 am

Also…just a general rule of thumb. If you can’t trust your significant other around your child, ESPECIALLY if you can’t trust that your significant other will refrain from sexually assaulting your child, it’s time to BREAK UP.

avatar ktfran October 18, 2012, 10:00 am

Who are these women sending letters this week and where do they come from? Because I don’t want to live anywhere near them. This LW, so far, takes top “what the fuck?!?” prize.

I don’t even have a daughter but I’m picturing this happening to one of my two nieces and believe me, there would be hell to pay.

LW, you may love this guy, but your daughter comes first. He violated her and he violated your trust. Kick him out.

avatar anonymous October 18, 2012, 10:11 am

Not only should you kick him out, you should press charges. It needs to be on record that he did this. Not just for you or your daughter, but the next victims. Your daughter is a victim of a sexual crime. Do you want the perpetrator to do it again?

There is nothing that makes this okay. Nothing. Not the stuff you forgot to include or didn’t think to add. He has no right to do this, or try to do this, and you have a moral obligation to make sure this never.happens.again. Ever.

avatar Amanda October 18, 2012, 10:17 am

Definitely second pressing charges against this “man”. I am so disgusted by this mother for even considering not ending this relationship. When your spouse sexually violates your child, your relationship is over!

avatar Amanda October 18, 2012, 10:11 am

Kick the bastard out! WTF are you waiting for LW?!!! Until he physically abuses your daughter?!! You will be a horrible parent if you don’t kick him out. It is your responsibility to provide a safe and loving home for your child. Your husband is a PREDATOR! Normal men don’t take pictures of naked women without their consent. He has ended your relationship with his behavior, so kick the bastard out.

avatar Michelle.Lea October 18, 2012, 10:12 am

this is not a ‘first offense’. i doubt very seriously that it’s the first time he’s done something like this.

honestly, i dont care if he’s getting help. good for him. kick his ass to the curb NOW or you’re risking the safety of your daughter. and how exactly do you think she’ll feel if you let him stay after he did that to her? do you really want to be that horrible to your daughter to keep some creep?

avatar Anna October 18, 2012, 10:57 am

That was my first thought too. First offense? Really? Or the first one she knows about? She’s known him since high school but just married him a month ago…I’m sure he managed to hide his pedophilia for years until the marriage. This should be a BIG HUGE RED BLINKING SIGN SAYING RUN!! Annul the marriage immediately and press charges. Also get a restraining order so he can’t come anywhere near you or your daughter.

avatar Rachel October 18, 2012, 11:45 am

I thought the same thing. There’s no way this guy’s “first offense” is taking pictures. He’s got to, at the very least, have a history of creepy peaking.

avatar SuzyQ October 18, 2012, 1:31 pm

Agreed.

avatar ANON October 18, 2012, 2:26 pm

first time he was caught. He’s probably been creeping on this child their whole relationship.

UGH I never understood how a mom could stay with a person who does this sort of thing. I’ve seen it first hand and what it can do to the child. Eventually they can overcome the abuse but the abandonment and rejection they face anger and rage every day.

YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST. You know this, don’t be so weak as to let a predator into your home and deface the bond of love you have with your child.

avatar Steeze October 18, 2012, 10:13 am

I picture this happening to me. Having a daughter and catching my high school friend/husband doing this and the only thing I see is RED. I see blood because I would physically harm him and then call the police. You don’t know this man. He has manipulated you and faked whoever you think he is. A man that takes pictures of teenage girls coming out of the shower is not a good/kind/loving/protective man. He is a pervert and has VIOLATED your daughter. Who will protect her and tell her she is valued above all others and is safe? That is a mother’s job. Forget this man you though he was. He has shown you without a doubt who he really is. Now try to heal the damage that is done and get him out of your daughter’s life and yours. I feel so very sorry for her. You shouldn’t have to think twice of what to do. It should be your instinct to protect your child and sacrifice for them.

Skyblossom Skyblossom October 18, 2012, 10:14 am

“I’ve known him since high school and this is just not like him.”

This is him, the real him. The real part of himself that he keeps hidden to project a better, actually acceptable persona. He has hidden his real self from you and has taken advantage of your daughter.
Run away from this man now. Kick him out and consider calling the police because this is almost certainly not the first time that he’s done this type of thing. He probably has files on his computer of other teen girls, maybe pictures he took himself or pictures he downloaded. You also may want to contact the police just so that they can search for files in case he did get pictures of your daughter. He might not only use them for his own sick gratification but he could share or sell them on the internet. One of the most important responsibilites of a parent is to protect their child and keep them safe. Your daughter needs you to kick this man out and I think she really needs you to call the police.

Men like this man count on you to not report him. He will act so contrite and sorry and it is a sham. Take action for your daughter, for all the previous victims and to prevent the future vicitms that surely will exist if you ignore this.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 10:28 am

I would hit the “like” button a hundred times for this, if I could.

Kate B. Kate B. October 18, 2012, 10:32 am

LW, please listen to this. This is reality.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2012, 10:14 am

What the fuck LW? You feel like a shitty mom because you’re acting like a shitty mom. How can you sleep in bed next to a sick, fucked up, predator??? I’m getting skeeved out thinking about having to walk on the same sidewalks as predators and you’re sleeping with one? How does that make you feel? How do you think that makes your daughter feel? Sorry that wedding was a total waste of your time – but get divorced ASAP.

And if you don’t – and I was a DA on the case – I would charge you too. You realize what he did is a crime right?

Diablo Diablo October 18, 2012, 11:21 am

Does anyone know what the technical correct name for the crime is? I ask because I think it should be spelled out clearly to the LW, and I agree with you and others who have named her essentially as an accessory to the crime. Is it “sexual assault of a minor”? “Child pornography”? My hope is that seeing these phrases in print will spur the LW to take action to protect her daughter and herself.

I would like to see an update within a few days in which she tells us that she called the police. Divorce or annulment is actually a minor private matter in comparison with the real meaning of this situation. The LW is actually currently a part of this sex crime against her daughter. There is only one course of action. I actually wonder whether Wendy should be contacting the authorities, if she has any information that would lead to the apprehension of the husband. Can someone with the legal background please advise Wendy on her responsibility here. I’m concerned that any sense of confidentiality or trust between her and the LW is actually legally trumped when serious crime has been committed involving a minor. Anyone?

avatar camorzilla October 18, 2012, 11:27 am

Addie Pray where are you?

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:33 pm

It depends on state laws as to whether or not Wendy is legally responsible, and what jurisdiction the case is in. In my state, Wendy would be legally required to report this to Child Protective Services [1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)] if she has any identifying information. You are complicit to child abuse if you don’t.

The mom is DEFINITELY required to leave and definitely required to report. In fact, the mom is committing the crime of failure to protect. She can be indicated as a child abuser, she can have her child removed from the home, and she can serve prison time if she doesn’t leave and report this. This is very serious business.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:35 pm

I say this as a social worker who is (hopefully) getting a job interviewing children who’ve been severely sexually abused. I’ve seen so many parents have their children removed and their parental rights completely terminated for this sort of thing.

avatar Jenny October 18, 2012, 12:40 pm

I am a social worker who performs assessments on kids placed in foster homes. You’re right, this is an issue of “failure to protect” and she could lose custody of her daughter over it.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:43 pm

Yup, this happens all the time! It even happens when one parent is abusing the other but not abusing the children. If they’re abusing the children and no one does anything, the one who lets it happen is just as guilty. She might as well be taking the pictures herself if she’s not going to do anything. That’s crass but true. I hope she reports this and kicks him out this afternoon.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:46 pm

Also, it’s always nice to meet fellow social workers! hello there :)

Skyblossom Skyblossom October 18, 2012, 1:02 pm

Thank you to both of you for sharing this information.

avatar Sunshine Brite October 19, 2012, 8:31 am

Agreed! Yay social workers!

Diablo Diablo October 18, 2012, 12:37 pm

Thanks for this. Wendy, please check into this and be sure you are responding appropriately sop as to protect yourself.

Dear Wendy Wendy October 18, 2012, 1:05 pm

I am, thank you.

Kate B. Kate B. October 18, 2012, 2:07 pm

I believe this falls under voyeurism. “Voyeurism is the sexual interest in or practice of spying on people engaged in intimate behaviors, such as undressing, sexual activity, or other actions usually considered to be of a private nature.” From Black’s Law Dictionary: “Gratification derived from viewing the genitals or sexual acts of others, usually secretly.” In CA, this is considered a misdemeanor. However, since it involves a minor, a perusal of Megan’s Law info suggests that this may qualify as a violation. If so, the husband would be considered a predator and if convicted, must register as a sex offender. The LW needs to consult law enforcement and an attorney.

avatar CSP October 19, 2012, 6:33 am

It isn’t because she is a minor. I would be the creation and distribution of child pornography. That is a felony.

avatar ebstarr October 18, 2012, 10:14 am

What everyone said – but after kicking him out and maybe getting a restraining order for her daughter, she could suggest he get his head checked out. On the off chance it’s a neurological problem, and really is out of character for him?

On the other hand, the fact that they’ve been married less for a month makes it pretty obvious he was waiting to tie her down before preying on the person he was really interested in. Horrifying.

JK JK October 18, 2012, 10:19 am

I get what you´re saying, but in my experience with people with neurological disorders (with different etiologies), when there are out of character sexual behaviours, it has to do with lack of impulse control (maybe they say lewd things, ogle, or touch what they´re not allowed). The fact that he planned this out, laid in wait for the girl to come out of the shower, and then tried to take the pictures? Just screams predator. Of course I could be wrong.
Ew, just typing out that plan made me feel like vomiting.

avatar ebstarr October 18, 2012, 10:52 am

Bleh. Yes. And the fact that it was so soon after the LW committed to him also screams predator. But I remember reading something recently on another site like “My husband pushed me down the stairs” or something, and she said it was out of character and then it turned out he had a brain tumor. But you’re right, this doesn’t sound the same, and I wouldn’t want to give this LW a false hope and encourage her to remain in denial about whether she needs to kick him out, which she needs to do like yesterday.

avatar lynn October 18, 2012, 10:17 am

When I clicked on this, I was hoping it was just a attention-grabbing title – that maybe your new husband is a photographer and your daughter was older and wanted pics for her boyfriend or something slightly less icky (still icky).

But oh c’mon on now! How is this even remotely OK?! Kick him out now. He violated your daughter’s privacy and this could just be the first steps to something even more. WWS. Kick him out, get the marriage annulled if possible and protect your kids. Be a mama bear, please.

avatar ktfran October 18, 2012, 10:24 am

When I read the title, I was picturing a dad taking photos of his new baby in the bathtub or something and, thinking they’re cute, posted them on Facebook and the wife not approving and wanting validation. Yes, that went through my head before I clicked to read.

Anyway, that scenario is infinitely better than the one I read. No comparison really.

Kate B. Kate B. October 18, 2012, 10:40 am

I thought the same thing. I was not expecting this.

avatar lynn October 18, 2012, 10:53 am

Yes! Mine initial thought was still really out there, but I definitely wasn’t expecting this. It scares me to think how many creeps there are out there.

avatar EricaSwagger October 18, 2012, 10:19 am

I can tell you right now if this happened to me, I’d be out of that house before my hair dried.

Both you and your daughter need to go to therapy immediately. The fact that both of you are okay with him still living in your house is a serious, serious problem. It makes me think that he controls your lives in some very important way. It makes me think he’s dangerous; that you’re scared to kick him out because of what he’ll do or what he won’t be providing you if he leaves.

Wendy’s advice is perfect. Get him out of there, get him away from you and from your daughter, and get yourselves into therapy. I suspect some real issues in that house and I hope you’ll see it and take the advice.

JK JK October 18, 2012, 10:22 am

I get the feeling the daughter is just going along with what LW says, and is not actually OK with the sleaze staying.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 18, 2012, 10:25 am

I agree. I’m not fully convinced that she is truly okay with it.

avatar ktfran October 18, 2012, 10:26 am

Me too. When I was younger, I pretty much listened to and did whatever my parents told me to do. I didn’t make waves. Or many anyway. Maybe the daughter is like that. Which actually makes it worse for her.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 18, 2012, 10:27 am

I agree or maybe since the mother already implied that she wants to stay with the husband that the daughter’s scared of what could happen if she does make waves.

avatar EricaSwagger October 18, 2012, 10:29 am

I’d move out, at least temporarily. There has to be a friend or relative somewhere that would understand and take her in. She’s 16, she has enough of a sense of the world to know what happened is messed up, and she is choosing to stay in her home with that man and the mother who chose him over her own child.
The whole thing screams manipulation. There has to be a reason the daughter and the mother aren’t making as big a deal of it as we all are.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 18, 2012, 10:32 am

That’s assuming she’s willing to tell a friend or relative which is a big assumption.

avatar EricaSwagger October 18, 2012, 10:36 am

If she chooses to be unsafe in that household over being embarrassed and ashamed or whatever other feelings you think she’s afraid to share, that just goes to my point. There’s a serious problem in making the choice to stay in that house.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 18, 2012, 10:39 am

I’m not saying that there’s nothing wrong with that. There is. But it’s a common reaction. It doesn’t help that her mom desperately wants things to go back to the way they were. It’s definitely screwed up.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 10:47 am

I think the daughter will tell someone. Maybe not right away, but she will. It will come out. It is inevitable.

For example, what if she sleeps over at a friends house? What if a gf wants to sleep over at LW’s house? Bet the daughter says no, and ends up explaining.

“My mom and I have a deal. I am never to be alone with my stepfather.” Uh-huh. Just how does LW think that will play out?

avatar iseeshiny October 18, 2012, 12:48 pm

Or just complaining about parents in general. “Oh yeah? You think you have it bad? My stepdad is such a creep – he’s always trying to look at me. Once he tried to take pictures of me coming out of the shower.”

Kids are like that.

avatar painted_lady October 18, 2012, 4:30 pm

Especially if it isn’t treated like the crime it is.

avatar ktfran October 18, 2012, 10:51 am

Honestly, I’m picturing myself at 16 and I don’t know that I would have the guts to tell someone what happened and try to move out or stay at a friends. But I lived a very sheltered life. My mom (and dad) were always there for me and protected me. But I also did as they said. If this 16 year old is use to that, I can 100% see how she would not know what to do and take her mom’s lead on this. This is ALL on the mom, not the 16 year old.

Some people haven’t had to deal with life yet at 16, and I don’t fault this young girl for doing as her mom says. Or not knowing her options. Really, a 16 year old shouldn’t have to grow up that fast.

avatar fallonthecity October 18, 2012, 10:22 am

Holy crap LW. Snap out of it! Imagine being your daughter. She is supposed to trust you to protect her, and you are willing to compromise her safety and security in her own home because you are too chicken shit to give up a man? Really. You should have dragged that sorry excuse for a man out of your house by his hair the second you found this out.

bagge72 bagge72 October 18, 2012, 10:25 am

LW this isn’t out of character for him, it’s just out of character for what you know of him. If he is trying to do this to the daughter of the women he is in love with, then he most likely has had these thoughts for a long long time. You should do a search of his computer, there is probably a lot of child porn on there or sites for it. Either way this man probably can’t be fixed so do what Wendy said!

Skyblossom Skyblossom October 18, 2012, 10:27 am

“He’s turned my world upside down and all I want is to be back to the way it was.”

While you thought everything was great he was a predator planning his actions. That is how it was and that’s how it will continue to be. Things will never go back to the false life you thought you were living. They will stay in the real life you were living but didn’t yet know about. Think about it, he didn’t even wait a month to make his move. He was probably planning to do this before you were married.

SarahKat SarahKat October 18, 2012, 1:05 pm

THIS.

avatar MMcG October 18, 2012, 3:31 pm

“He’s turned my world upside down and all I want is to be back to the way it was.”

This is so fucking wrong… way to focus on your needs mom! Not like you have a child who has just been victimized, or are living with a man who is capable of victimizing young women. I hate to pull this analogy out – but don’t be Dottie Sandusky standing by your good man and blaming everyone and everything else – take care of your child and call the POLICE so that this asshole can’t do it again (or so that you can find out charges were previously filed and this is so not a first offense).

Also, I question your ability to raise a child if you believe the first offense line. Seriously, I used that to my advantage with my folks when I was twelve, this guy waited a month to take pictures of your underage daughter. FIRST TIME GETTING CAUGHT DOES NOT EQUAL FIRST OFFENSE!!!!

Kate B. Kate B. October 18, 2012, 10:28 am

Kick him out, now. Better yet, have him arrested so he can’t wander the streets looking for more victims. He needs to be locked up. The only way for your daughter to feel safe is for this man to be out of her house and in jail, where she knows exactly where he is. By letting him stay and telling him all he has to do is “get help” you’re putting all the responsbility for your daughter’s continued safety on him, when it belongs on you. Do you really think that he’ll run out and get help just because he says he will? This man is a liar. He is a predator. He will do or say whatever is necessary to keep himself near his intended victim. I guarantee this is not the first time he’s done this. Get him out of your house, now.

FireStar FireStar October 18, 2012, 10:28 am

Some things are forgivable and you can work through. This – this isn’t one of them. I’m afraid the man you married is a predator. You didn’t know before – but you do know now. There really is only one choice here. Speak to your lawyer about what you need to put in place to protect your daughter. I understand that this is a loss for you – grieving for the loss of the man you THOUGHT you married – but that guy? That wasn’t who he ended up being at all. And you cannot risk your daughter’s safety now that you know the truth about him.

avatar SGMcG October 18, 2012, 10:29 am

LW, I hate to scare you like this. Yet there are forums/message boards dedicated to “creepshots”. People take picture of unwilling people (mostly women) focusing on areas of the body so that they can evaluate them in private for their own pervy pleasure. (Relevant article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2207552/Reddit-message-board-r-creepshots-posts-photos-normal-women-taken-unawares.html)

Your daughter may have caught your new husband now as she was stepping out of the shower, but can you be certain that there are no other pictures of your daughter that may have already been taken and uploaded on the internet already??? It may have been a “first time offense”, but it is an offense that shouldn’t have been violated to begin with. At this point in time LW, you need to be a protective Mom first, rather than focusing on being a better wife.

You need to de-husband this guy FAST – you should have divorced him the SECOND he violated your daughter like that.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 10:42 am

This is the “creep site” stuff I was referring to.

It is quite possible that the guy has already posted pix of LW’s daughter (perhaps ones taken during “innocent” situations but that just “happen” to hone in on anatomy that “somehow” did not get shared with LW) and he has been exhorted by fellow site creeps to get and post nude ones.

avatar SGMcG October 18, 2012, 1:27 pm

That’s only “one” site that we know about – only because it was publicized. The internet is a vast place. There may be other sites that he may be uploading things to that we haven’t even heard about. We don’t know his predilictions – and LW probably had this conception of him that needs to be shattered now. For all we know, this guy could be a sexual predator and he may view his new role as a stepfather as a prime opportunity to “groom” her kids like Sandusky did to her victims.**

New plan LW: De-husband the creep. Go to a lawyer to start an annullment and assist you in filing a police report on this guy. Make sure he gets on the sexual predaor list. Get you and your daughter to therapy.

———
**Please note: I’m not saying that ALL step-parents are sexual predators in disguise. Yet one shouldn’t be so myopic to think that just because one found a second chance in love that said second chance should be put on a pedastal and given leniency to adjust to their new role as parents. When it comes to protecting your kids, there are NO second chances for sexual predators.

avatar EricaSwagger October 18, 2012, 10:46 am

I really like the term de-husband.

Fabelle Fabelle October 18, 2012, 10:32 am

Wow. I get that there’s denial issues at play, here– but seriously? Guess what, LW… you ARE a bad parent if you let this man continue staying in your house. Regardless of whether he’s “getting help” or not ever alone with your daughter. And you ARE stupid for thinking that you can ever trust him again. WTF.

Guess what, knowing him since high school doesn’t mean shit. “Out-of-character” is like, ordering an egg-and-cheese croissant instead of your usual bagel with cream cheese. You can’t possibly describe this kind of predatory behavior as being an out-of-character “first offense”. I don’t care if he’s all “but it was just umm, a joke! yeah!” or whatever the fuck– he is NOT right in the head & neither of you should forgive him.

Also, the whole “but my daughter said it’s okay” is a cop-out. Your daughter sees how desperately you want everything to go “back to normal” & is reacting based on that. Do you want to be the kind of woman who just sweeps everything under the rug for the purposes of her own comfort? Seriously, fucking stop sniveling about how YOUR world is “turned upside down” when YOUR DAUGHTER just had some sleazy guy she barely knows try to snap a picture of her in the nude.

Get a grip. Your husband should no longer be in your home or your life.

avatar MISS MJ October 18, 2012, 10:35 am

LW, what do you think this man was going to do with the naked pictures of your 16-year-old daughter? Put them online? Jerk off to them himself? Both? Think about that for a minute. Your husband was going to get off looking at nude pics of your teenaged daughter and possibly put them out there on the Internet so that other men could get off looking at her, too. That’s disgusting. And illegal. And disgusting. Did I mention it’s disgusting? Because it is. The fact that you’re asking if you should “throw it all away” over this boggles the mind.

Your daughter is clearly afraid of this man, as well she should be. You are her mother and it is your job to protect her. Trust me, there are other men out there who won’t take nude pics of your daughter. But even if there weren’t, and you had to face life alone, you owe it to your daughter to choose her first. Good lord, she is 16 years old and living with a guy who just tried to violate her and most likely will try again. What kind of mother allows that? Dump this guy. Maybe even report him to the police. Make your daughter’s safety and well-being your priority. And then figure out why you value yourself so little that finding out that your husband tried to take nude pictures of your daughter is actually something you do not consider an immediate deal breaker.

Skyblossom Skyblossom October 18, 2012, 10:37 am

Think about it this way.

He is the predator. My daughter is his prey.
He is the predator. My daughter is his prey.
He is the predator. My daughter is his prey.

Then call the police.

Repeat whenever you feel weak. Repeat when he seems contrite. Repeat when he wants to live in your home. Repeat when he wants you to not press charges.

Also, don’t warn him that you’re going to call the police. Don’t give him the chance to dump the computer or try to hide files. Don’t help him hide his predatory ways.

avatar Riefer October 21, 2012, 1:11 am

You should wait until he’s gone, then call the police and have them seize the computer. He may have cleaned it already, since he’s probably scared now that you’ve caught him. But maybe he couldn’t bear to get rid of all his stuff. Look around for extra hard drives too.

avatar emmkat October 18, 2012, 10:38 am

If this is what he’s doing in your home, where he knows he’s probably going to get caught, imagine what else he’s doing that you don’t know about. He sounds like a creep and a possible predator. You need to get you and your daughter the hell out of there, get your marriage annulled, and call the police. A lot of times they have files on men like him where “little” things like this add up. It’s possible he’s done this (or much worse) to other girls.

avatar Maddie October 18, 2012, 10:45 am

Kick him out now. Your obligation is to protect your daughter. Yes, you are a bad parent if you let this guy stay. This isn’t a case where your daughter was bending over and you caught him staring. This was willful and premeditated. And illegal. This guy is a creep.

There is no middle ground here. This is about as black and white of a situation you’ll find.

avatar Anon2467 October 18, 2012, 10:46 am

I would say the best strategy would be to kick him out of the household immediately … this protects you and your daughter from him in the short term, while you find out more from him about why he did this, where this is coming from, and how you ended up marrying someone who kept this type of nasty secret.

Harden up your heart and do what needs to be done. There is an element of grief and sadness here … I know you are suffering from acute grief, because the person *you thought* you married doesn’t exist anymore now. The grief of being let down like this, in such a major way, probably tempts you to keep him around and “let this pass” for the moment … in other words, it’s tempting to remain in denial about who he really is. But resist the urge to table this issue, so that you can be comforted and continue to maybe pretend that everything is OK for the time being. It’s too big and important to temporarily ignore!

Kick your husband out now … he has lied by keeping this very nasty urge from you. The burden should be on him to make amends … if amends are even possible in this situation. Also, removing him from your home allows you to deal with *the real* him on your own terms, outside the home. Use the police if necessary!

Also, agreeing to not allow your daughter to be alone with him is SCANT protection. Who knows what he will do in the middle of the night when you (and your daughter) are sleeping? There are lots of small hidden cameras one can buy on the internet for secret surveillance! Ew! Also, what keeps him from leaving the house on a percieved errand, but he could be doing any number of stalking or creepy things?

MackenzieLee MackenzieLee October 18, 2012, 10:47 am

Echoing what EricaSwagger said above. Get your daughter to therapy. Even if she doesn’t want to go make her go at least once. I’m sure she has all sorts of feelings about a man living in her house violating her (and her mother siding with him!!!).

People who read my posts on DW a lot will know my relationship with my mom isn’t amazing, but one really incredible thing she did was reassure me from a young age that if anyone ever violated me she would be there for me no matter what. It’s to the extent that she told my dad when they found out that they were pregnant if he ever did anything to his future kids she wouldn’t hesitate to prosecute him, and she’s told him that in front of my sister and I just to drive the point home (and make sure we know). Obviously our father hasn’t and wouldn’t violate us. But I know if he did, my mom would have him out of the house before he could even put that camera down. It saddens me to know your daughter can’t count on you in the same way right now.

avatar spark_plug October 18, 2012, 10:58 am

This is an episode of Murray or Jerry Springer! There’s actually a talk show (I forget the name) devoted mostly to issues like this. Men who spy on their daughters, take pictures and in one really disturbing show, the step-husbands tried to expose himself on multiple occasions to the daughter. He’d call her into his bedroom to ask her for something while he was on the bed, “hanging out”. The daughter was the one that called in the show because she couldn’t take it anymore and the mom?! The mom was blaming the daughter for making up lies saying that it was an accident and the daughter was a drama queen trying to stir up trouble. It was until the younger daughter said that he tried to do the same thing that mom wiped that dumb look of her face.

Seriously LW, right now, you are that crazy woman that goes on national television and says “but but but it was an accident”. And yes, you deserve to have the rest of the country comment on what a bad mother you are.

I mean seriously.. how can you ever want to touch.. much less have sex with a man who was imagining violating your own daughter! I mean – why do you think he was trying to take pictures of her? For his artful nude photography collection? Unless everything I know about men is wrong, from what I understand, if a man wants to see a woman naked its because he wants to have sex with her. And that is really really gross. I mean, when you’re having sex, how can you trust that he’s not thinking about your daughter now? Ew ew ew!!!

avatar spark_plug October 18, 2012, 11:07 am

And on the “I’ve known him since HS” thing – I doubt that most people go around telling their HS friends or dates about the sexually deviant behaviors that they have. That’s not exactly how you go about fitting into society. I mean, what did you expect him to say, “Hey baby I love you and I wanna marry I’m just a pedo so you know that upfront but I hope we can work this out”.

For real, if you’d known him since birth – how do you expect to know this kind of stuff?

avatar Anna October 18, 2012, 10:59 am

I’m curious…are we getting so many WTF?! letters these days because those ones get way more clicks or because people are really this sick and fucked up???? Wendy?

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 18, 2012, 11:36 am

This is not your everyday trainwreck. I think this is beyond WTF. This woman is in a crisis like she said and needed a swift kick in the ass ASAP.

JK JK October 18, 2012, 11:41 am

This goes WAY beyond a WTF letter. And people are this fucked up. Hell, at least LW seems to be asking for help, I just hope she follows it, unlike lots of other people that have posted.

avatar Violet October 18, 2012, 12:34 pm

Agreed, all the letters lately have been raising my blood pressure.

avatar Anon October 18, 2012, 11:05 am

The first thing I thought was “brain tumor”. But if he checks out medically, kick his ass to the curb.

avatar Lindsay October 18, 2012, 1:35 pm

Possibly, but I’d kick his ass to the curb first. He can wait out the results of his CT scan from a hotel room.

mandalee mandalee October 18, 2012, 11:12 am

I think the LW is clearly in some state of shock, which I get. Most newlyweds aren’t thinking about their husband trying into a sexual predator on their own children when they are saying their vows. I get the desperation to just try to continue on with life with these new restrictions, trying to dismiss it as a “first offense”. Many people face mind blowing crises these ways, due solely to shock.

However, that does not excuse the fact that your daughter would be living with a man who violated her in her own house every single day due to your desperate plea to have things the “ways things were”. Your husband is clearly a shitty person and predator and forced this new “real” onto both you and your daughter. It’s your responsibility as a parent first, to deal with this new reality for your daughter. No matter what she says, she’s not okay with this. You’re not okay with this and I highly doubt you really believe it’s only a first offense and not the hint of something much deeper or sicker if you were questioning your decision enough to write into Wendy.

And your deep need to have things the way things were just isn’t possible, no matter how much you work at it. It happened and the damage is done. At this stage, you’re not “trying” with the loving husband you thought you married, you’re trying to fix something with someone who is utterly broken and sick.

I’m truly sorry for both your daughter and yourself. However, you owe it to your daughter to deal with your shock and your feelings later. You’re her champion in the world first. This marriage is over.

Oh, yeah…and call the cops, please!

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 18, 2012, 11:13 am

GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE! NOW!!!!

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 18, 2012, 11:25 am

Sorry, that was my first reaction. But I’ll echo what everyone else has said. This is likely NOT his first offense. He is probably posting creepshots on the internet. He probably has lots of other pics. You should get a lawyer and get your marriage annuled.

I can’t even imagine being a young girl, being violated in such a way, telling my mom about it and having her ignore it. That would absolutely devastate me. You’re reinforcing that this is something that just happens to girls and it’s something we have to put up with – being sexualized, cat-called, taken advantage of sexually, etc. Please do NOT let your daughter grow up thinking this is ok and can be forgiven. YES, if you let this man stay in your home, you ARE a bad parent. I know you’re in shock. I know you’re in denial, but PLEASE listen to us and kick him out and press charges.

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 18, 2012, 11:28 am

And yes, he needs help and I hope he gets it but you do NOT have to stick around for that.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2012, 11:16 am

There is nothing like a pervy husband letter to bring the DW community together. LW – when there is 100% agreement among commenters that you need to kick him out and divorce him immediately – well we all can’t be wrong.

avatar Addie Pray October 18, 2012, 12:20 pm

Oh oh oh new rule: If there is 100% agreement among the commenters, the LW must do exactly as we say, stat. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

The only update I want to hear is that the LW did exactly as we said and kicked this guy out. (I mean, if she also name drops “Addie Pray,” that will be fine too.) But if we get an “Oh geez, you were harsh, I left out some facts” update, imma be pissed. If that happens, let’s go find the LW and you hold her down while I poop on her, ok?

Fabelle Fabelle October 18, 2012, 1:19 pm

Yep, I am waiting in hopes that this LW will come on here to let us know she came to her senses.

katie Katie October 18, 2012, 11:22 am

Along with what everyone else is saying, do you realize the message your daughter is getting about men from you right now? You are, as we speak, setting her up psychologically for terrible relationships with men. Because, of a man does something bad, you have told her that 1. It’s not a big deal, and 2. Just brush it off, and “don’t be alone with him”. I hope you realize how fucked up this is. I hope you get charges brought up on you and your daughter can get away from him AND away from you and get some help.

Skyblossom Skyblossom October 18, 2012, 11:39 am

Definitely agree with this.

The daughter is learning that you accept a man however he is, not matter how unacceptable his behavior.

LW, please teach your daughter through your example that there are things you never tolerate. Teach her that a good life has boundaries and dealbreakers. Teach her that we can and should be picky about who we allow into our lives. Teach her that we don’t have to accept being victims. Teach her that when life throws unexpected, ugly things at us we can be strong and deal with ugly.

the_optimist the_optimist October 18, 2012, 11:25 am

Look, just because you’ve known the guy since high school does not mean you KNOW the guy. You have a 16 year-old daughter with someone else and just got married…I think it’s safe to assume that you haven’t spent as much time with this man before marriage as you have now (I assume he moved in only after you married). Either way, knowing someone for years does not equal knowing exactly what they do at all hours, exactly what kind of person they always are, knowing whether or not they are capable of PHOTOGRAPHING YOUR DAUGHTER, A MINOR.

Because that’s really all the information you need here. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the guy. What he JUST did to your child is completely inexcusable, indefensible and awful. Do not allow anything you think you know about this man to cloud your judgment. He needs to go now.

avatar Grilledcheesecalliope October 18, 2012, 11:27 am

Kick your husband out, apologize to your daughter, alert the police, make sure he doesn’t have any pictures of your daughter on his computer,phone, or camera. I’m sorry this happened but your husband is a predator who has violated your daughter and you. He has to go.

avatar quixoticbeatnik October 18, 2012, 11:28 am

Agreed with everyone else, 100%. Kick him out, apologize to your daughter, press charges. Annul the marriage – you have good grounds for doing so, I would think. Make sure that he doesn’t know that you are planning on pressing charges because I wouldn’t want him to know it’s coming and have time to get rid of any incriminating evidence. Make sure those pictures are in YOUR possession so that you have proof.

But really. GET RID OF HIM.

avatar redessa October 18, 2012, 11:34 am

“Am I stupid for not just giving up everything because he violated my daughter like that?”

YES!!! And what “everything” are you giving up? You’ve been married to him a month. Get that annulled immediately! As it stands now you are throwing away your relationship with your daughter. Personally, that would be “everything” to me over a month long marriage.

I have a 15 yr old daughter and if my husband (her father who I’ve been married to for 17 yrs) did something like that, he would be lucky if I let him pack a suitcase on his way out the door. It would be out of character for him. I would be completely blindsided and I’d wonder about his health (like a brain tumor someone mentioned above) but I still would not be able to allow him around the children while he got help because my number one job as a mother is to protect my children. It should be yours too.

avatar muffy October 18, 2012, 11:35 am

Not only is he cheating on you by taking pictures of YOUR CHILD but he’s a sexual predator!!!! And you want to stay with him? Is there really nothing else out there for you? Is being single so much worse than living with a man who cheats and is a predator? You’ve been married to this man a month and you’re choosing him over your child. That’s awful.

avatar G October 18, 2012, 11:49 am

One of my best friends growing up was sexually abused by her stepfather for years. It all started with smaller “offenses” like this, which her mom dismissed, to the point where my friend stopped telling her about them–and then things got a whole lot worse for her, but she didn’t think her mom would take her seriously. That man did terrible things to my friend, and she’s had a hell of a time rebuilding her life to become a well-adjusted adult in the aftermath. LW, please, I beg you: kick your husband out now and support your child!

avatar iseeshiny October 18, 2012, 12:30 pm

Yes, thank you. Stuff like this tends to escalate. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t marry her in part to get access to her daughter.

avatar ANON October 18, 2012, 11:50 am

Listen to me, I speak from experience. Get this man out of your home and have him arrested. Choose your daughter because you will potentially lose her forever. No man is worth the safety and well being of your child. He is attracted to your child, he was caught taking nude photos of her. I’m going to say it again he took PHOTOS OF YOUR CHILD NUDE!!! CALL THE COPS and get him the f out of the house.

Your daughter has already been violated, please don’t allow him to continue to violate her by taking her trust in her mother away too. You have to protect your daughter from this predator.

Skyblossom Skyblossom October 18, 2012, 11:55 am

Within the past year a man was caught filming people changing clothes at the local YMCA. He put a tiny camera into a container (something like air freshener) and left it on a shelf in the bathroom. He got caught because an observant cleaning person noticed that it was the wrong brand, not one that they had ever used at that facililty, so picked it up to take a look at it.The sherrif was called and the perpetrator was easily identified because the camera was running when he left the container so they had him on tape setting it up.

This story is to warn you that not only can you never leave you daughter alone with your husband but you can never leave your husband alone in your home. When he is alone he can easily set up cameras in places where you daughter will be changing clothes. They might already be there now. There could easily be cameras hidden in her room or in the bathroom she uses, or both. You need the police to search your home so that you know that there is no further invasion of your daughter’s privacy. If you haven’t already called the police do it right now. Do it while he’s at work and can’t try to remove or hide things. Do it so that the police have hours to find anything and everything he’s doing. Do it for your daughter and for yourself.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 18, 2012, 11:58 am

You are overflowing with good advice! LW, listen to Skyblossom!!!

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 12:23 pm

Yes!

Remember, liars and cheaters improve their technique. If this perv is connected with others, he likely reported he was caught. His fellow site-pervs would probably offer him tips, including the camera set-up stuff that Skyblossom mentioned.

He will not get better, only his skills will.

I wonder where this perv has been? That is, if LW knew him since HS and she has a 16-year old. I hope the police backtrack this piece of #%^%*.

SarahKat SarahKat October 18, 2012, 11:57 am

Um…..please tell me how in the name of everything holy is YOUR DAUGHTER’S PREDATOR still living in your home?

Do you know what victims of sexual abuse and violation by a parental figure say? They say that while the abuse was one of the hardest things they’ve ever gone through, the worst betrayal was by the parent who knew about it and still didn’t do anything. You may think you are setting limits, but by not KICKING HIM OUT OF YOUR HOME, SEEKING A RESTRAINING ORDER, AND HAVING HIM ARRESTED, you are actually giving this monster the green light to start in with doing inappropriate things with your daughter again. He still LIVES there! That IN ITSELF is an allowance of the abuse the will come. Get him out NOW.

He’s actually probably pretty pleased by your response. Yes he had to finally admit it (meaning he lied about it repeatedly), but you didn’t have him arrested like he should have been. He’ll wait a few months, earn your trust, and then one day he’ll take it a step farther with your daughter. Only this time he’ll intimidate her, threaten her to keep quiet about it. Do you understand that sexual predators don’t just grab young people and abuse them? They wait months and years to wait for the right amount of trust to act. They also start small and work their way to more serious offenses. Its also why they seduce single moms with kids in the age range they want to abuse.

Ask yourself this question: Do you love your daughter? If the answer is yes, then you have NO CHOICE but to kick this man out of your home. Either be selfish and keep the husband who will absolutely take advantage of your daughter again, or be a parent and protect your daughter and kick him out. There is no gray area, there is no compromise. Any compromise you make with him will be taken out on your daughter in the months to come, I can promise you that. Be a good parent, kick him out, have him arrested.

And also this, “My daughter did say she’s okay with my decision to let him stay as long as he gets help and isn’t allowed to be alone with her.” is some unbelievable bullsh*t. Really? She’s ok with a choice you didn’t allow her to make about the man who violated her? Super! I bet you didn’t have anything to do with her being ok with that. I bet you didn’t tell her how sad it will make you if your new husband goes away or anything. I’m sure you had NOTHING to do with her decision to be ok with the choice YOU made about HER predator.

You know, I knew a woman who had a boyfriend who lived with her. She turned a blind eye when he would pay special attention to her daughter. She even pretended that she had no idea what that special attention led to. She now has only supervised visitation rights with her daughter and everyone she knows, her family, her friends, abandoned her out of shame and disgust. She lives alone now, in an apartment where no one visits her and no one sees a reason to. She is you in a year. Get him out of the f*cking house.

Fabelle Fabelle October 18, 2012, 12:12 pm

This, this, all of this. And what everyone else said, too. I just keep re-reading this & getting so angry. UGH.

SarahKat SarahKat October 18, 2012, 12:52 pm

I honestly had to back away from this letter because it made me so angry. My mom thinks of her husband as her soul mate, but if a 16yr old me had told her that he had even HINTED sexual intent to me, let alone videotaped me in the shower, I would have had to simultaneously find some bail money for my mom while washing my step-dad’s blood off of her car.

I just don’t understand how some parents don’t have an instinct to protect their children, or worse, ignore it for their own benefit. I just understand how a mother can be such a coward.

SarahKat SarahKat October 18, 2012, 12:54 pm

I *Don’t* understand how a mother can be such a coward.

avatar SuzyQ October 18, 2012, 2:11 pm

And how, exactly, does she ensure that the perp is not alone with the daughter when they live together? There is no way to know that. People have different schedules. Unless she’s a SAHM she can’t possibly watch them every minute.

SarahKat SarahKat October 18, 2012, 4:49 pm

Yeah, its amazing that she is able to ignore that glaring issue from her plan. A part of me thinks she knows that’s not possible and she’s just saying it to sound like she cares, when really her priority is keeping HER life the way she likes it. Truly disgusting.

avatar bethany October 18, 2012, 12:05 pm

What everyone else said… Get this perv out of your house and start acting like a parent. A parent’s #1 job is to keep their child safe from harm. What exactly do you think you’re doing by continuing to live with this man? You are putting your child in DIRECT HARM. You are subjecting her to a SEXUAL PREDATOR. Do you understand how serious this is?

avatar MissDre October 18, 2012, 12:09 pm

I wish you guys would have said all this to my dad when this shit happened to me.

avatar Amanda October 18, 2012, 12:45 pm

I’m so sorry MissDre. Such awful things should not happen to anyone.

SarahKat SarahKat October 18, 2012, 1:40 pm

I wish you could hug someone through the internet.

SarahKat SarahKat October 18, 2012, 1:44 pm

*I* could hug someone. God my grammar get’s terrible when I’m emotional.

avatar temperance October 18, 2012, 1:46 pm

I”m so sorry, MissDre. I would have reamed out your parent who let the abuse happen, and I would have said meaner things. Promise.

the_optimist the_optimist October 18, 2012, 2:10 pm

Ugh ugh ugh, I am so sorry for you. Hugs to you :(

avatar rangerchic October 18, 2012, 2:45 pm

MissDre – so sorry this happened to you. This should not happen to anyone ever and is sad when it does. Like that show “To Catch a Predator” I get so mad watching that show and all the excuses the guys try to come up with. I wish all people (because some women do it to) who do this would just drop dead instantly…and rot in hell.

avatar MissDre October 18, 2012, 2:59 pm

Thank you, everyone. Pray that this lady does the right thing for her daughter. At least I had my mom.

avatar Melancholia October 18, 2012, 12:19 pm

I didn’t even read Wendy’s advice before I had to comment, apologies if I repeat too much:

YOUR NUMBER 1 PRIORITY AS A MOTHER IS YOUR CHILD’S SAFETY AND WELLBEING!!!! Are you fucking kidding me?! You sound like one of those mothers who pick their husbands over their children and you’ve only been married for 1 MONTH! Your daughter doesn’t know what she is really OK with because she’s been traumatized. She is 16 years old and is probably quite developed and at an extremely impressionable age. She probably cannot fathom what actually happened to her, which is that YOU HAVE ALLOWED A CHILD PREDATOR INTO YOUR HOUSE AND YOU ARE LETTING HIM STAY THERE! FUCK this makes me so incredibly angry. Have you never heard the stories of adults who grow up hating their parents because they had been abused and their parents just turned a blind eye? “Well, it was his first offense… it’s just not like him… I’ve known him since high school” STOP MAKING FUCKING EXCUSES FOR THIS ASSHOLE AND KICK HIS ASS OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE. Your daughter deserves better than that, you deserve better than that. So what if this is the first time you have WITNESSED him be inappropriate around your daughter, it may not be the first time he has acted out this way.

Get your head together LW and act like a good parent. Kick his ass out, divorce him and protect your children!

avatar GTR October 18, 2012, 10:03 pm

“I didn’t even read Wendy’s advice before I had to comment, apologies if I repeat too much:”

Really, Melancholia? Really? You can’t wait two whole minutes and create a more rounded impression of the situation by reading Wendy’s advice? You have THAT much trouble with impulse control?

You should really see someone about that, honey. It’s not healthy.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 12:26 pm

The “all-caps” is strong in this thread!

A record? Wendy?

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:26 pm

Haven’t read the comments yet.

Social worker speaking here: You MUST leave, and honestly, I think you should report it as Child Abuse. I have worked with countless mothers in similar situations. In many states, you are guilty of child abuse as well if you allow your child to live with someone who’s abused them. You can be charged with failure to protect your child, and you can be indicated as a child abuser. Take care of this immediately.

This number 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) should take you to the National Child Abuse Hotline. Since I don’t know what state you’re in, I can’t give you your state’s number. Be a real parent and protect your child. Kick his ass out and protect your daughter. This is sickening.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:39 pm

Also, contact your local Child Advocacy Center directly to get help for your child. They typically take referrals from Child Protective Services, but go ahead and contact them. They should be able to help you with therapy for your daughter, resources for your family, and education for you.
Here’s the link for finding a Child Advocacy Center:

http://www.nationalcac.org/locator.html

Diablo Diablo October 18, 2012, 12:54 pm

We should be aware that this may not be happening in the US. We have the internet up here in Canada, y’ know? However, the laws are likely to be similar wherever the LW lives, and there will also be access to the local version of the resources you mention.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 1:00 pm

Good point. I don’t know anything about the resources in Canada or anywhere else though. My best recommendation for that situation is to call any non-profit social service type agency and ask them for referrals and phone numbers. They should have all of that information.

Diablo Diablo October 18, 2012, 1:31 pm

I searched for the Canadian version, and it turns out the number you gave is good for all of the US, Canada, and all related territories. Beyond North America, I’m not sure.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 1:40 pm

Oh that’s awesome! Really good to know. Thanks for sharing :)

avatar Violet October 18, 2012, 12:29 pm

PLEASE get yourself and your daughter out of this situation. Your daughter faces a rough road ahead, possibly even PTSD if things escalate and she is forced to live in fear. There are wonderful men out there, men who would never violate a young girl, who would have respect for your marriage, who would be protective rather than harmful. GET OUT.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 12:42 pm

Huh, “protective,” hell! This perv would need police protection from the men I know.

avatar iseeshiny October 18, 2012, 12:41 pm

LW, I would like to add myself to the chorus of people telling you to put your daughter’s safety first, assuming you actually read this far down. Apologize to your daughter for considering putting your own happiness over hers. Contact the police. Contact a lawyer.

This is a first time offense THAT YOU KNOW OF.

avatar Oldie October 18, 2012, 12:43 pm

LW — you are very wrong to conclude that ‘this just isn’t like him’, because you’ve known him since high school and this is the first time you learned about this side of him. I suspect that this is exactly like him and that he has done a very good job of hiding this side of himself up until now. You know for certain that he has preyed upon your daughter’s vulnerability, either for his own private enjoyment or to share the photo with like-minded adults.You certainly must at least suspect that he is an on-going threat to your daughter and likely a pedophile or at least a guy who trades child porn over the internet. If he just wanted to see your daughter nude, which doesn’t sound like something you should approve of in any case, he could have just used his eyes, rather than a camera.

Time to throw him out and get a divorce. That you are strongly considering not doing this and have apparently emotionally blackmailed your daughter into accepting what should be a totally unacceptable situation, shows that you are more desperate to have a husband than to make sure your daughter is safe. Odds are he only married you to have a shot at your daughter. This happens all the time to desperate women with daughters of an age that is of interest to a particular guy. The odds are very high that he isn’t sexually attracted to both 16-year olds and women near 40. It just doesn’t work that way. You are just a means to an end and it is not a good end.

avatar convexed October 18, 2012, 12:47 pm

On my lunch break so no time to read if anyone else said this, but: yr daughter trusted you enough to come to you with this. I mean, I’m assuming you didn’t walk in on it. She confided something that must be diffucult and embarassing to say to her newlywed mom. Do not betray her trust in you or undermine it by minimizing this. Do not let the guy stay. Yr first job will always be to put yr childs safety and integruty first and to honor her trust in you. You want to establish a pattern where she knows you take things like this super seriously. If you fail to act (and hoping this is a onetime thing doesn’t count as acting) she may not come to you again if it repeats or escalates. Even what happened is already way too much. Kick his ass out. This shit is clearcut.

AKchic_ AKchic_ October 18, 2012, 12:49 pm

Honey… this is the first time he got CAUGHT. There are probably more pictures hidden elsewhere. I would not hesitate to call the police immediately. He could be doing everything in his power to destroy evidence (i.e.: the pictures/video he’s already taken of your daughter OR OTHER CHILDREN). These images are probably already on the internet and being shared with other like-minded individuals (read: sick, perverted people who probably touch/abuse underaged youth).

The fact that he was brazen enough to get caught suggests that this wasn’t his first time and he was getting bolder. These guys have communities online. They share their “treasures”.

Be a real mother and PROTECT your daughter. Protect the potential other children out there. Turn him in. They will confiscate his phone, computer, cameras, and any flash drives, hard drives and media storage devices while they investigate. Look into getting your marriage annulled, as Wendy suggested. At the very least, file for divorce. Protect yourself and your daughter. Don’t be a doormat and allow your child to feel that you chose a pervert (and his community) over her. If you protect him and it comes to light that he has multiple victims, you could end up being charged as an accessory in some way, spousal immunity be damned.

Classic Classic October 18, 2012, 12:50 pm

LW, it seems most likely that this man pursued you and married you solely to gain access to your underage daughter. You need to move your daughter and yourself to safety, call the police, and dissolve the marriage.

avatar Kim October 18, 2012, 1:05 pm

I think everyone has made it abundantly clear that you need to get this scumbag out of your house and away from your daughter asap. The question is, how do you best help your daughter at this point. Something like this can have a HUGE impact on every relationship she has for the rest of her life, and you need to do some damage control and get your daughter help asap to try to fix this.

1. Sit her down and have a talk with her. Say that when you intially found out about this, you were in denial and shock and did not respond the way you should have. Once you had more time to process it, you realize you made a mistake, and have decided that your marriage is over. Say it’s not her fault that this happened, and you really regret that this horrible thing happened to her. It doesn’t matter what he (or anyone else) says, you don’t blame her and it’s a problem with him, not her. Apologize for not responding appropriately in the first place and apologize for bringing this man into your/her life. Reiterate that what he did was not ok and is something that cannot be forgiven and that she should NEVER put up with. Then, say how you hope your daughter can trust you at some point and you hope that if something like this ever happens again she knows she can come to you and talk with you about it.

2. Ask her if she wants to report this to the police. Explain that she was the victim of a crime, but it was a very personal crime and you want her input on if you should call the police. She is old enough to make this decision. Make it clear that you have NO opinion on the matter and will do whatever she decides is best. You probably have until she is 18 to make a decision (at least in california), but the quicker you report something the more likely they will be able to prosecute them. If you want to know more about what would happen if you did report this, call a rape crisis hotline or something similar and they can explain the process to you guys to help you make your decision. Let her know that whatever she decides, you will stand by her.

3. Get her (and yourself) into therapy. Somehow you missed some big red flags about this guy and let him into your life with your daughter. He is now her role model for what a husband is. This is a problem. She needs to learn what good relationships look like and to learn how to process what happened.

4. Repeat step 1 as many times as needed to make sure she understands that it’s not her fault what happened, you don’t blame her for your divorce, and you will always be there for her when she needs it.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 1:18 pm

No, she should not leave it up to her daughter if she wants to get the police involved. 16 or not, she’s a minor, and her mother’s job is to protect her. The mother herself is committing a crime by not reporting it, and she should do all that she can to stop this man from doing this to other people. This isn’t the time to let a 16 year old bottle things up and not talk about it. This is the time for a teaching moment to talk about how serious it was and how her case will help other people in the future, even if it’s inconvenient for her.

avatar Kim October 18, 2012, 1:34 pm

The purpose of leaving it up to the 16 year old is to help them regain power over what has happened to them. It helps them grow a lot more if they are included in the decision making process. It’s not her job to protect other people, it’s her job to deal with her traumatic experience in the way she needs to best heal from it. Reporting a crime like this is a big deal and will impact her daughters life. She may have problems in school or lose friends over it. She may have to miss tests in school and have her grades impacted. If she decides she wants to report it, the mom should move mountains to make that happen, but it’s not the daughter’s responsibility to do anything except heal from this herself.

I never said she should bottle things up, the mother needs to talk with her and get her into counseling asap. The teachable moment is kicking the guy out and getting her help. And turning this into a situation where the daughter can heal from this as best as possible. It’s not a matter of “inconvenience,” it could have a big impact on her life for the next few years and she needs to be consulted on this and made to feel like her wishes are respected.

I can’t comment on the legality of not reporting this, but at least in california when I was a crisis counselor for rape victims, 16 year olds were required to give consent (not the parents) for participation in the legal process. When we were counseling victims of sex crimes, it was important for children past puberty to have their opinions listened to and respected to help them be empowered and heal from the process.

Maybe the daughter wants to report it and it’s a moot point, but I think the mom could be further damaging her daughter by forcing her to report it if the daughter really doesn’t want to.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 1:40 pm

It’s definitely important to respect their wishes, but I think (and the state of Tennessee agrees with me) that it’s irresponsible parenting to not report it. In Tennessee, she would be committing a crime just by not reporting it. The daughter needs some very sensitive therapy. But she’s old enough that she should understand that some things are obligations, and you have to heal around those. It’s not the daughter reporting it. It’s the mother doing it.

avatar Kim October 18, 2012, 1:49 pm

I think at this point we can agree that the mom should get some legal advice before making any final decisions because it does seem to be state-specific exactly what the laws are. And I guess the real sticking point for me is just seeing the struggle people went through when they reported these things was hard for us counselors. I would love it if it was easy and everyone could report these things, the guy would go to jail, nobody would hold it against the kid and everyone would be happy. But the reality we saw was not like that. Maybe it will go smoothly, but maybe it won’t. In those cases where it doesn’t, I wouldn’t want the mom to get further blamed for all the hardships the daughter would face participating in the prosecution. Even if the mother reports it, it’s the daughter who was the true victim and will face the hardships involved with reporting it.

I guess where I disagree is that it’s anyones obligations to report these things. If they decide they want to – great I fully support it. But seeing how hard these things can be to report, I understand and wouldn’t force someone who didn’t want to go through that process.

And I heard my daughter wake up from her nap, so we will have to agree to disagree here. Either way, the mom needs to carefully consider her legal obligations along with what she and her daughter feel is best for their family.

avatar painted_lady October 18, 2012, 4:46 pm

State of Texas agrees with you, too. If a student came to me and told me this, I would lose my job and open myself up to legal action if I didn’t report it. And that’s as her teacher. That’s how much adults are expected to protect the children in their lives.

avatar Kim October 18, 2012, 5:09 pm

In california, teachers are mandated reports, as are social workers and therapists. As a crisis counselor, I was not a mandated reporter and could get in trouble for reporting this same situation if the child told me not to say something. And if I would have said something anyways depends a lot on the circumstance behind it and if I felt the child was still in danger. I don’t know if the mother would be a mandated reporter or not, and it may depend on state law.

And I do think the mother has to protect her child by removing her from the man, all I’m trying to say is that the 16 year old daughter should have some say in how much further impact this will have on her life.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 5:18 pm

No offense or anything, but California isn’t known for having the best child protective laws either. California is ranked #41 out of the states for best child protective services.

avatar Sunshine Brite October 19, 2012, 8:53 am

Not mandated as a crisis counselor? That idea’s so out there, I don’t think I can come up with a position anymore in MN that works with vulnerable populations that isn’t a mandated reporter.

theattack theattack October 19, 2012, 12:37 pm

Right? Because it’s important! I just can’t imagine an adult knowing about this and not reporting it anyway, regardless of what the laws are. That’s so messed up to me. For a state to decide someone’s like a crisis counselor isn’t mandated to report it is just nauseating and backwards.

avatar wendykh December 14, 2012, 9:16 pm

Because then people have no where to turn to discuss things without also ending up with the cops.

I’m really shocked people aren’t pointing out that a far more likely scenario than Stepdad getting in the slammer here is the cops asking the daughter “so did you flirt with him?” and deciding there isn’t enough evidence to prosecute and in the process making her feel like a slut who asked for it. This girl is 16. She is not a pre-pubescent baby. Not that this makes it okay, but what it does make it is possible the girl was pulling some jacked up games (in the cops eyes, anyway).

avatar CollegeCat October 18, 2012, 3:51 pm

Really????? and what if he has pictures of other children? or has done this in the past? If he is not punished for this crime he will do it again in the future. What about his next victims? This is the first time he got caught not the first time this happened. I guarantee that. Right now all this man has learned is that next time he should be more careful. He needs to go to prison and be put on the sex offender registry and this girl needs to talk to a professional (at least once) because her mom is a moron and so far has only shown how selfish and desperate she is to continue living with/sleeping with a guy who wants to (and probably does) wank to images of her daughter. It’s disgusting and there is no gray area here.

avatar Kim October 18, 2012, 5:04 pm

I said she needs to get her daughter therapy and her mom needs some serious apologizing/etc to repair the damage she has already done. The only thing I feel that is different is that the 16 year old should have a say in if they tell the police. It would be great if he went to prison and was considered a sex offender and nobody ever got hurt again. But the reality is, even if they go to the police, that may not happen. And if they go to the police, there may be some serious impacts on the 16 year olds life for the next few years. Maybe you disagree that the 16 year old should have full control over the situation, I understand that – it probably depends on the maturity of the 16 year old. However, they should be at least involved with this discussion on some level (even if it is just for the mom to explain why she made the decision and how it will impact the daughter’s life).

It’s just a personal pet peeve of mine that it is somehow the victim’s resposibility or obligation to prevent perpetrators from committing crimes. The victim never asks for the crime and never owes anyone anything after the crime has been committed. It is the mother’s responsibility to remove the perpetrator from her house and her daughter’s life, but the daughter doesn’t have any obligation to anyone but herself.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 5:11 pm

But the issue here is that the daughter isn’t the adult who needs to report. It’s the mother. I agree with the idea that victims don’t owe anything to other people, but IMO, this isn’t the daughter’s decision. It’s the mother’s decision, and yes, she absolutely should discuss it with the daughter. However, the discussion shouldn’t be about whether or not to report. It should be like you said, the mom explaining why they are going to report, what’s going to happen, etc. They should have a heart-to-heart about it, but ultimately the mom needs to report it whether the daughter agrees with it or not. Additionally, why should the daughter have any input in whether or not the mom abides by the law (reporting vs. not)? If the daughter is eventually removed over this, that’s going to be pretty harmful to her too. They might as well pick the legal way of going about it. It may end up being a case of her not fully understanding the situation until she’s older, but child pornography/sexual abuse absolutely cannot go unreported.

avatar wendykh December 14, 2012, 9:18 pm

Yeah and that kid is going to wish she never opened her fucking mouth.

avatar temperance October 18, 2012, 1:49 pm

I’m going to disagree with you on the police advice here. The mother could be getting herself into deep shit by not reporting this act to the cops. It’s voyerism and child porn creation, which is vastly different and has different legal consequences, especially for a minor. Since the mother tried to protect her husband over her daughter, she could lose custody if she’s not careful. Police need to be involved, stat.

avatar rangerchic October 18, 2012, 2:52 pm

And one other thing about the mom missing red flags…these type of people are very good. I mean really really good at what they do. They can come across as totally normal and having a great relationship for all intensive purposes…until they are caught. So there may not have been any red flags while going through the relationship…of course hind sight is always 20/20.

avatar ackgirl October 18, 2012, 1:13 pm

You feel like a bad parent because you are a bad parent. He should have been out of the house and reported to the authorities immediately. How nice that your daughter speaks up when she’s violated only to be violated again by her own mother, because you’re not sure you want to “give up everything’. I feel so sad for this child. You may have known this man since high school, but you have made grave errors in assessing his character. On the whole, not a big surprise considering your judgement. You need as much help, if not more than he does. That you would allow this creep to remain in your house is unfathomable, and you, lady are a horribly unfit mother. Get a clue and do the right thing, it’s not that hard. Oh, and apologize to your kid for fucking up so monumentally so far.

avatar ele4phant October 18, 2012, 1:19 pm

Hey guys, I think you’re all being too harsh on the husband. He said he was sorry, and he didn’t even manage to get a picture. Sure it won’t happen again.

Just kidding, get the hell out of there,get your CHILD out of there, and don’t look back.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 1:25 pm

I was like WTFFFFFFF ELE4PHANT!!!!!!!!!!!! haha yes, get the hell out for sure. Or get him out and change all the locks and inspect all the windows.

avatar Lindsay October 18, 2012, 1:22 pm

Sorry to be harsh, but if you let him stay, you are a bad parent. I don’t see how you could possibly ensure that he’s never alone with your daughter. Surely you leave the house sometimes without him. Is your daughter banned from the house during those times? Besides the practicalities, you’re telling your daughter that your romantic life is more important to you than her feelings and safety. She’s very gracious for telling you it’s OK, but if my mom kept a guy around who’d tried to commit a SEX CRIME against me, I’d probably look for another place to live. How could you EVER make your daughter live in the same house as a sexual predator?

I’m not sure how you can be so sure this is his first offense. His first offense that you or your daughter caught him at, yes. Who knows what else he’s done in your own home, or to others. I seriously doubt this urge just sprung up all of a sudden, and even if you keep him from taking photos of your daughter, do you really want to worry for the rest of your life about when he’s going to get caught with some other child porn?

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 18, 2012, 1:54 pm

Yeah, if I was the daughter I’d be out of there. And I’d never forgive my mom.

Caris Caris October 18, 2012, 1:30 pm

Your automatic response to this should have been to get your sick perverted husband out of your house. Your daughter said she was ok with him staying? I doubt it. She would probably like to kill him herself. “first time-offense”? So you are going to wait until he commits another one? What if next time he decides that pictures are not enough? You seriously think that not letting him be alone with your daughter will stop him?

And just because you went to hs together doesn’t mean you know him. I’ve went to the same school with some people since I was age 2 till I was 18 and they didn’t know shit about me. And I knew shit about them. Even people I was really ‘good’ friends with.

What kind of mother are you that you are letting a predator stay in your house? How can you do that to your own daughter? I really hope you do what everyone is telling you to do and get that sick bastard out of your house.

p.s: i know that lately ppl have been arguing about us commenters(is that a word?) being too harsh or judgmental. Whatever. Right now LW, you are being the shittiest parent there can be.

avatar crazymary October 18, 2012, 1:42 pm

What makes me so sad about this is that LW couldn’t come to this decision on her own?!

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

So, my guess is that she will NOT kick him out, because she doesn’t have an ounce of common sense or self respect or MATERNAL INSTINCTS.

HE SHOULD BE IN JAIL FOR WHAT HE DID TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND IF IT WAS SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR HUSBAND YOU WOULD HAVE CALLED THE COPS!

There. I feel a little better now. Not really.

AKchic_ AKchic_ October 18, 2012, 2:19 pm

I feel you. Had it been me catching my husband attempting to take pictures of any of my kids, there wouldn’t be a living body to arrest. Period. And I wouldn’t need a gun. I would torture the sonofabitch into a slow, agonizing death. Call it a “temporary lapse in sanity”, if you will.

avatar cdjd0523 October 18, 2012, 1:44 pm

This most likely isn’t the first time he’s taken pics of your daughter, just the first tme he got caught. If the idea of having a sexual predator living with you and your daughter doesn’t bother you maybe knowing she can be removed from your care and you never seeing her again will have some effect.
If your daughter reports this to someone at her school they are duty bound to report it to the police and CPS. You WILL lose your daughter and keeping this guy around shows her that you care more about yourself then you do her well being. Not getting this guy away from her is the most selfish disgusting thing, there is no question about it, you are not being a parent to your daughter.

avatar temperance October 18, 2012, 1:52 pm

There are going to be legal consequences for you with regards to custody of your daughter, LW, WHEN (not IF, but WHEN) he decides to escalate his surveillance to physical assault on your kid. Get your head out of your ass before your daughter is fucked up for life by this loser, and before you lose her forever because you chose some asshole that you knew in high school over her.

Some googling of your jurisdiction’s specific laws will show you what you are facing if you don’t call the cops on him and file for divorce, stat. Legal Aid can help. Get you and your daughter a family counselor, because who knows what else he may have done that she was afraid to talk about.

avatar *HmC* October 18, 2012, 1:57 pm

So he not only disrespected your marriage commitment by engaging sexually with someone else, but it was with your UNDERAGE DAUGHTER. There is something fundamentally wrong with this man, and forcing your daughter to continue being around him is insane. I’m all for marriage commitments, but if this isn’t a dealbreaker for you I’m not sure what would be. It’s been one month. Cut your losses, thank the lord it didn’t go further than an attempt at pictures, and get the fuck out.

avatar KCM October 18, 2012, 2:36 pm

I don’t even know where to start…..

LW, go home. Now. Get this pig’s computer and camera and take them to a friend’s house for safekeeping. If he has any other devices that access the internet, like an iPad, get them too. Then call the police. Assuming they don’t arrest him right away, tell him he is not to enter your home again. Give the police the computer and other devices to check for photos. My guess is that there are other photos of your daughter there, you can only hope they’re not intimate, and not on the internet already.

And then, for the love of all that’s holy, apologize to your daughter for choosing a pedophile over her, even temporarily. And pray that she can forgive you. You can’t imagine how badly you’ve hurt her.

“Getting help” is not going to fix him. You can’t fix this. All you can do is protect your daughter from him, and protect other children from him by going to the police.

You mentioned that you’re trying to “get things back to the way they were before.” OK. This is the way they were before: You were living with a man who wanted to have sex with your child, and you didn’t know it. Is that what you want back? Really? You’ve realized by now that he married you because it gave him easy access to your daughter, right?

Be grateful that you found out what he was before he snuck into your daughter’s room at night and molested her. Heard that story before? Of course you have. And how many times have you heard the child say, “My mother knew, and she didn’t do anything.” Do you want to be that mother? I don’t think so.

BTW, when you talk to the police, ask them to check your home for cameras. Particularly your daughter’s bedroom.

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 18, 2012, 2:37 pm

Okay, brand me what you will, Iseeshiney, but ANYBODY who would even CONSIDER staying with a man who was just caught red handed trying to obscenely photograph her sixteen year old daughter is a insanely self absorbed cunt and a horrible bitch of a mother. Sorry, but there truly are simply no other words strong enough or powerful enough to accurately describe anybody who would so shamelessly and shamefully put her own happiness and her own sexual needs ahead of the safety of her own daughter.

avatar iseeshiny October 18, 2012, 3:42 pm

BGM while I totally agree that this makes her selfish and a terrible person and a terrible parent, I disagree that it gives anyone the right to use gendered insults.

If she were gay would you think this gave you the right to call her a faggot? If she were black, would it give you the right to call her a nigger? No. Because her gender, sexual orientation and race aren’t what make her a bad person.

I am done engaging you on this topic.

avatar Lucy October 18, 2012, 5:40 pm

Maybe BGM is channeling his Scottish ancestry when he calls her a cunt. There it’s applied equally to all genders. :)

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 18, 2012, 5:48 pm

Actually, gay guys call each other cunt all the time, too….

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 18, 2012, 6:21 pm

I also don’t think your faggot term example works at all as the word faggot is never used to describe a particularly horrible or evil homosexual to begin with. Instead, it’s merely a slur against all gays. Period. Now, if I was coming in here and constantly saying things like, “eh, you’re all a bunch of cunts…” — you’d have made you your point. But frankly, as that never happens — I think you’re grasping at straws here. Nice try though, And I get why you think this might push my buttons a bit. Somehow, I imagine that I’ve been called faggot about three thousand or so more times than you’ve actually ever been called the dreaded c- word. But its truly apples to carrots here… It’s just not a very good fit as an analogy. The same applies to your suggestion of that other slur — one which I would simply never, ever say for the exact same reasoning as above.

avatar iseeshiny October 18, 2012, 6:36 pm

http://www.derailingfordummies.com/complete.html#notthesame

Okay, now I’m done, I swear.

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 18, 2012, 7:20 pm

Um, seriously? Take you own advice. You keep endlessly calling me out on this issue and then, when I respond, you accuse me of derailing the thread in the most condescending manner ever. Ironic. In that if anybody is doing the derailing — it’s you. Seriously. If you don’t want to derail the thread — don’t keep insisting on getting it into it with me. Again and again. And again… Frankly, it’s all very tiresome.

Dear Wendy Wendy October 18, 2012, 7:24 pm

You two need to get a room!

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 18, 2012, 7:29 pm

Perhaps… ;)

avatar Violet October 18, 2012, 3:46 pm

This.

AKchic_ AKchic_ October 18, 2012, 7:00 pm

As both a parent and as a woman who has been called a cunt (on numerous occasions) – I am a-okay with calling this LW a cunt if she continues to choose the pedophilic husband of a month over her 16 year old daughter.

BGM – you have called a spade a spade here. Plain and simple. It may be harsh, but dammit, the truth isn’t always sweet.

avatar GTR October 18, 2012, 10:22 pm

Point of order: the husband is a scary and manipulative creep, not a pedophile. Being sexually interested in 16 year old girls isn’t exactly a deviancy for a straight man… just grossly inappropriate (and grossly immoral when it’s your step-daughter).

And frankly, the lynch-mob mentality that you people are pushing helps no one. The LW told us her problem. Wendy gave excellent, considered advice and told her exactly what to do. Trying to outdo each other in moral outrage like a pack of competetive Helen Lovejoys doesn’t do you lot any favours. All it does is dilute the wise counsel with hysteria.

bittergaymark bittergaymark October 19, 2012, 4:35 am

Um, wow. You have one fucked up view of men, that’s all I can say about that. Look, I don’t see how being sexually interested in one’s step daughter wouldn’t be considered deviancy by most… Honestly, I just don’t get the rationalization… What he did is so beyond fucked up. The only thing more fucked up would be the LW’s feeble reaction to it…. Is she genuinely worried about her daughter? Uh, no. Instead she just whines on and on about how much she wants her old life back….

avatar Amanda October 19, 2012, 8:56 am

WBGS

avatar Amanda October 19, 2012, 8:57 am

Whoops sorry for the typo

avatar ele4phant October 19, 2012, 11:49 am

I kinda, get what GTR is saying (well, only about the label part).

The husband, is a vile, disgusting, manipulative man. Bad bad bad all around. He deserves to have his marriage annulled, be kicked out of his house, and have charges pressed against him. He is a predator.

But a pedophile is someone who is attracted to pre-pubescent children. While he is a predator and a POS, he does not seem to be attracted to children. We shouldn’t be using a label that doesn’t accurately describe him. He’s not a pedophile, but he is a terrible human being.

theattack theattack October 19, 2012, 12:42 pm

Right. Pedophile is a term for attraction to children, and the 16 year old probably looks more like a woman than a child at this point. The attraction isn’t pedophilia, but his actions are sick, illegal, and wrong by all means, and he’s still abusing a child sexually, as well as producing child pornography, because she’s still a minor.

avatar Riefer October 21, 2012, 1:20 am

The term is epidophile, as opposed to pedophile. And depending where they live, she may not be considered a minor. But it’s still harassment and he’s still a predator, and whether his behaviour is illegal where he lives or not, the LW still has the responsibility to protect her daughter from him.

AKchic_ AKchic_ October 19, 2012, 1:22 pm

It relaly depends on her body type. A 16 year old fluctuates in looks from person to person. Some can look pre-pubescent and some can look like 25 year old women. I’m going for the generalization that our nation has taken on here.

I married my 1st husband at 16. He was 31 when we married. He was not my first, nor my first “older” male. By far, he was probably one of my younger partners at the time.

When I discuss this situation, I am bringing my experience as someone who has been the young person involved. Not just the hypothetical parent of a daughter (I have only boys). I have seen parents in denial of their children in the most horrific of sexual situations. It does nothing for the child. Ever. So yes, if I want to take the “Helen Lovejoy” route, as you call it, then I do so for a reason. To shame this letter writer into realizing that her denial only puts her daughter into worse situations that WILL set her daughter up for failure. That will make her daughter question her own self-worth, her relationship with her mother and shake the very idea of what a real relationship with men is supposed to look like.

Depending on the kind of offender he is, he may not have a preference for age type. Therefore, the daughter was just an easy target. Or, possibly a late bloomer so he could fantasize about someone younger. We don’t know. I’m not going to speculate or go further into the psyche of a sex offender (I do that too much as it is).

avatar Jessica October 18, 2012, 2:50 pm

LW, you are straight-up a bad parent if you don’t kick this man out ASAP. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. There is no gray area here. DTMFA already.

avatar tbrucemom October 18, 2012, 2:55 pm

As the mother of a 17 year old daughter and also having a BF of 3 years who I plan on marrying, I have to say if this happened to my daughter the question of breaking up with him or not wouldn’t be the question. The question would be if he lived to see another day….

BriarRose BriarRose October 18, 2012, 2:56 pm

I can’t even wrap my head around this and what the LW thinks their future home life would be like. Are they all going to sit around at the dinner table, discussing the day’s events acting like everything’s fine while in reality, this issue is all any of them are thinking about? They “agreed” that the step-father and daughter would never be alone together in the house, but what about when the mom steps out to get the mail? Goes into the garage? What about when the daughter is home after school and the step-father comes home from work “sick” and the daughter is trapped in the house with him? I’m just horrified at what life would be like for this girl if she was forced to continue to live in the same house as this man. She will be on edge for the rest of her years there.

LW, know that “Mama Bear” instinct you feel when a kid at school was mean to your daughter? This is like that, times infinity. This is the time to embrace that instinct, pull out your claws, and PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.

BriarRose BriarRose October 18, 2012, 2:58 pm

This was me trying to be remotely calm in my response. The real way I’m feeling makes me feel a bit like The Hulk.

avatar convexed October 18, 2012, 5:41 pm

Yes. The agreement of a man who would have done this in the first place is worth exactly nothing. Of course he would agree not to e alone with her. This will get you off his back so he has enough freedom to sneak in trying to get her alone! Ppl who prey are good at getting what they are after. They are pros at tricking everyone around them into believing the very best of their intentions.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 5:45 pm

He really doesn’t have to be at home with her to do damage anyway. He can leave video cameras anywhere he wants and come back to check them later. This is such a bad idea.

SixtyFour SixtyFour October 18, 2012, 3:12 pm

LW – think about it this way: If you caught your husband beating up your daughter but you managed to find out just in time so that he wasn’t able to actually knock her unconcious but just really banged and bruised up, would you have been writing into an advice column or just kicking the scumbag out of the house? Becuase that’s just like what happened. Just becuase he didn’t actually take the picture, just trying to take the picture was an assault on her mental, sexual, and emotional well-being, if not her phycial self.

avatar MMcG October 18, 2012, 3:58 pm

LW – if all of the above doesn’t do it for you, the possibility of losing your child, harming your daughter’s well-being, being tossed in jail as an accessory to child porn, etc. etc. etc., then maybe this selfish crazy thought will: if he’s taking pictures of her he is most likely fantasizing about her… when he is with you. You don’t have a relationship with your husband, your a vessel for his underage fantasies, that he plays out in your marital bed while imagining your 16 year old wet and naked.

After you kick him out, call the police to report the perv, and get your child the therapy she will need to move past this and gain some perspective, self-esteem and perhaps rebuild a degree of trust in your parenting abilities… please get some therapy to find out why the fact that you’ve known him since high school and he is supposedly “a really good guy” (besides the whole underage/stalker/voyeurism, child porn thing) that you think it gives him a pass. I’ve known lots of folks from high school… some I was good friends with (you know, because you can be “good friends” and hangout with your fellow 15 year olds and not really know them) who have gone on to be charged with all sorts of crimes. Committed offenses ranging from public nudity and stalking to drugs and whatever… and none of it surprised me. Why? Because I don’t assume people remain stagnant over the course of decades. If nothing else, your early twenties is when some people experience the onset of mental illness, not to mention events and moments that change and shape people – and not all for the better.

Wake the fuck up and prioritize your child over your fanatasies of what your married life was to be like… this goes double if he was like the homecoming king or some crap like that and you are reliving some BS high school crush (maybe you reconnected on FB, because there aren’t any creepers there!) which is only further reinforcing your shittastic decision making and setting the absolute worst possible example for your daughter.

Sorry for the rambling, you have a really rough road ahead of you – otherwise your daughter will be writing in a decade from now moving from 1 awful abusive relationship to another because you’ve taught her that her safety and respect for her body mean nothing – and it would really be better for everyone if you acted like a functional parent and did the right thing.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 5:10 pm

One thing that did not get mentioned is where is the daughter’s biological father?

If she tells him, ….

avatar Lucy October 18, 2012, 5:37 pm

Call the cops. Do not leave it up to your daughter. Be the parent.

Change your locks. Do not even let him back in the house to get his stuff.

Retain a lawyer. A good one. Ditto a family therapist.

Good luck. I will not echo all the judgement already rained down on your head, because I think you’re in shock and denial. But now it’s time to pull your head out of your ass and do the right thing by your daughter.

avatar painted_lady October 18, 2012, 6:46 pm

First off, LW, lets turn this situation around so that you can quit making it about you. Imagine, first, if you will, that your daughter had a boyfriend who did this to *you.* Would you give a shit that your daughter loved him? Would you care that he hadn’t displayed predatory tendencies before? No – you’d want the little perv out of your house and not let him back in. What if this was the new stepdad of a friend of your daughter’s who did this to her, rather than the man you’d prefer to stay married to? Would you care how long the friend’s mother had known him? Would you care how good a man everyone else had thought he was? NO. You’d want to kill him with your bare hands and make sure he could never hurt your daughter again. HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THIS AS WORSE?!?!?!

How many times have you been asleep or out of the house while this man and your daughter are both in it? How many times has she worn a skirt or a low-cut top in front of him when he’s had his phone? How the hell do you know this is a first offense? And even if it is, ONE TIME IS ENOUGH. He violated her without her knowledge or consent. THAT IS BAD ENOUGH. If taking nude pics of your daughter isn’t a one-and-done offense, what is? Posting pictures on a public site? Rape? What? And if you don’t kick out men who violate your daughter on the first offense, how many would you say is fair? Three? Five? You give people second chances for accidents. He didn’t trip and fall into the bathroom with a camera out. This was deliberate.

Also, think about all the women you know who were violated in some way by a man because she didn’t trust her instincts that THIS MAN IS NOT SAFE? Where do you think that lesson gets learned? Somewhere along the line that woman spoke out or witnessed someone speaking out who was told her feelings were wrong, and the experience was so humiliating and hurtful, the prospect of trusting that instinct without any other proof was too terrifying. You are teaching your daughter that this is acceptable. You are teaching her that her voice won’t be heard and that her violation is less awful than putting out the people who have violated her and those she entrusts with the information. You’re teaching her that she isn’t important enough to protect, and that her safety is a hassle and a burden. Those are horrifying lessons for any woman to learn…so teach her differently by standing up for her safety.

avatar Meredith October 18, 2012, 7:12 pm

When you held your baby girl in your arms 16 years ago, I bet you made a promise to yourself to always protect her. So fucking protect her! Sixteen years old is still a child–she’s been violated and it is your DUTY to protect her. Get this man out of your house and into jail! Now!!

This guy is a child predator. Just say this really was the first time he attempted to take naked photos of your daughter (which I highly doubt). Think about how long it’s taken him to get to that point, imagine how long he’s been sexually fantasizing about your CHILD. Long enough to where simply thinking about her naked wasn’t enough, that he had to actually SEE her naked and try to take PHOTOS. Fucking sick. There should have never been a decision to make, you know what you should’ve done. So do it NOW and then get you and your daughter into therapy. Because any mother who stays with a man like this just bc she wants to pretend she didn’t marry a child predator has MAJOR issues. MAJOR. Ugh.

avatar aibhlinn October 18, 2012, 8:00 pm

I read this letter at lunch, and I am STILL enraged about it 6 hours later!!!

In my eyes, you are JUST as bad as your so-called husband. No…correct that. You are WORSE. You are enabling your husband to continue to do what he’s been doing for god knows how long to your own 16 year old daughter. Your husband may as well be paying you, since you are pimping out your flesh and blood to feed his sick as fuck fantasies. Congratulations, you’ve traded your job as a mother for the role as a pimp to a peodophile. Hope the profit is worth the self-esteem and sense of security that your daughter has lost and you willingly gave away on her behalf.

My daughter is almost 21 and live on her own. If ANYONE did this to her, I’d have his nuts on a platter before he even knew what hit him. And that would only be the start of my wrath.

For the record, I could give a rats ass how all of these harsh words (both mine and those above) make you feel. I HOPE you feel like a worthless piece of shit. Then you MAY just have a small taste of how your daughter feels already.

Holy fucknuts, I’m pissed!!

avatar Nina October 18, 2012, 9:02 pm

I can’t even begin to describe the sickness this made me feel.

You know what gets me? That, even if (as she would like to think) that this is his “first offence” and shes “known him since highschool” how on earth can she sleep in the same bed at night, beside this man? Have sex with him, knowing that he’s thinking of her daughter? Eat dinner together, have him do her laundry, pick her daughter up from school? Etc?

Even if he is turned on by teenagers, and the mother can some how live with a husband like that, he crossed the line in a very perverse, inexcusable way.

This poor girl. I hope that this mother comes to her senses.

avatar Violet October 19, 2012, 3:03 am

This letter makes me feel sick too. I hope she calls the police immediately.

landygirl landygirl October 18, 2012, 9:42 pm

LW, how the fuck can you live with yourself? You’re choosing to sleep with a pervert who violated your daughter. You don’t deserve to be a parent. Please don’t ever procreate again. I have no sympathy for you.

avatar Witchmom3 October 18, 2012, 9:51 pm

I hope it’s that fact that you’re in shock, is the reason that you feel you need advice!! I don’t understand how someone will literally pick their husband/bf/partner over the safety of their child. I don’t care if your daughter is 6, 16 or 26. That fact that he had a camera with the intention of taking pictures is grounds for divorce. You need to report this activity to the authorities, KICK HIS ASS OUT and for the love of god, put your daughter first!

avatar Witchmom3 October 18, 2012, 10:10 pm

Ugh! Being angry and emotional = bad grammar!!

avatar Lilitu Aster October 18, 2012, 10:58 pm

LW I am repulsed into no longer lurking.

My closest friend’s mother is dating a guy who started small. He made comments about her body. The mother did nothing. Eventually it escalated into him sexually assaulting her. She filed a restraining order, but the mother still let him come to the house.

Do you know how agonizing it is for her? How terrified she sounded when she told me what he did to her? How it feels to have a mother that doesn’t give a damn?

At least my friend is over 18 and was able to move out. Your poor daughter is only 16 and is stuck with you. You OWE it to her to get that sorry sack of shit out of there and away from her! I mean, this is the first time she *caught* him. Who knows what he’s gotten away with?! Who knows what it will escalate to since you clearly don’t care?

avatar Brownie Suga October 19, 2012, 12:50 pm

Why didn’t she call the cops? Let them determine if this was his first offense or not.

avatar laxhaxtax October 20, 2012, 8:34 am

Did this man marry you to get his hands on your daughter? Watch Lolita. We all think that pedophiles like younger children. Sandusky changed that idea. Men fixate on different ages and sexes depending on their obsession. I cannot imagine you EVER trusting him again. Have you checked his computer. I know a bunch of guys from my high school and have no idea what they think about sex.

avatar norman o lee October 21, 2012, 3:31 pm

I came here as a skeptic looking to mock some of the self-congratulatory female back-slappers & take the piss out of any white-knight males. I don’t even care that she’s your daughter. If he had openly propositioned her & she was 18 yrs old, I’d be laughing about this. But she’s underage & he was sneaking photos. That is criminal behavior & not even close to being a gray area.

Kids defer to their elders by default. It’s on you to teach them when not to defer. You’re the adult, you have to make the uncomfortable decision to press charges.

avatar katcar March 6, 2013, 8:06 pm

Wow …this is exactly the same thing I went through ! Only difference is I kicked him out and got a restraining order the next day….we had been married 8 yrs and my daughter was 16 .She caught him snapping a pic of her while coming out of the shower….I called the police as soon as my daughter told me….but they could not acess his phone without a warrant, once they got the warrant, the phone had misteriously dissapeared and case closed. Til this day all I have is my daughters word. And of course he denies it all…..the doubt is enough to drive u nuts..but in the end all that keeps me strong is that my daughter will know that I believed HER…its a really hard thing to go through….its easy for people to say what u should do, unless they’ve been in that horrible situation.

avatar Jacquelin May 17, 2013, 11:06 pm

I feel like if the husband was taking those photos, then maybe he has taken more. He could have FORCED her to do those things, bad things that aren’t suppose to happen. It is like rape. He is forcing a child to do certain sexual things like undress for photos. I think you should really check his phone or pc just to make sure that he is actually trustworthy because if he isn’t then he isn’t worth your time or life and you and you daughter should leave right away. You just have to be cautious about her safety because you want her to know that she can’t let others munipulate her, like rapist. Just stay safe.

avatar killerkim May 20, 2013, 2:23 am

“My New Husband Took Nude Photos of My Daughter” was there ever an update?

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