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“My New Husband Took Nude Photos of My Daughter”

I am in a crisis here and I need help. My 16-year-old daughter caught my husband of literally not even a month trying to take pictures of her getting out of the shower. I confronted him and he finally did admit to it. He didn’t get any pictures that I know of. This is a first time offense for him. I’ve known him since high school and this is just not like him. I have told him he needs to get help immediately and he is not to be alone with my child at all until we can trust him again. Am I stupid for not just giving up everything because he violated my daughter like that? I feel like a bad parent. My daughter did say she’s okay with my decision to let him stay as long as he gets help and isn’t allowed to be alone with her. He’s turned my world upside down and all I want is to be back to the way it was. I know it will never be like that but I can at least try to get it there. Please help. — Mom in Crisis

“First offense” or not, your new husband violated your under-aged daughter during one of the most personal and private of moments. And you’re going to allow him to continue sharing a bed with you? Continue living under the same roof as the young person he violated? I am sure you must be in shock right now, so I’ll spell it out for you clearly: this is not a man who should be allowed around your daughter, period.

Can you ever imagine having to share a home with a man who took photos of you against your will as you were climbing out of the shower? Your job as a mother is to provide a safe and loving home for your daughter and making her live in a home where she’s been violated is not doing that. Kick out your husband, seek some therapy, talk to a lawyer, and consider having your marriage annulled.

I know those aren’t the words you want to hear, but they’re the words you need to hear. I don’t care if you’ve known this person since high school and this is out of character for him, a man who would violate a young person — well, any person — like that even once is not a good or healthy man. He’s not a man a nice woman would want to call “husband.” And he’s definitely not a man a loving mother would make a step-father for her children. Please do not subject your daughter to this person. Protect her. It’s your job.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 9:46 am

OMG!

You must treat this as a “tip of the iceberg” discovery. That is, what you just found out must, simply MUST, be a small part of something much larger and more threatening.

Maybe he has a stash of pix on his pc or phone. Maybe he is a member/contributor to creep sites. Maybe pix he took of YOU secretly are out there.

Maybe none of those (or other) things is the case. At this point, though, you do not know and you have good reason to suspect bad things.

Get safe. Tell someone or some folk you trust and do it fast.

avatar SuzyQ October 18, 2012, 1:21 pm

I worry A LOT about this. The daughter is trying to keep the peace and not rock the boat when she says it’s okay if the pervert stays. Is she hiding some other inappropriate behavior he’s committed for the same reason??????

avatar SuzyQ October 18, 2012, 2:01 pm

Another sick thought – this could have been a technique that the husband used to test the daughter’s strength. Start small and see if she reports him to the mother. If she hadn’t, he almost certainly would have known he could move on to more abuse without fear.

avatar RacheyG October 24, 2012, 11:46 am

I am disgusted that a grown woman would pick a man over her child. When you become a parent, your child comes safety and well-being becomes more important that anything else. Period. What a horrific excuse for a mother. I’m not even sure how this became a hard decision.

JK JK October 18, 2012, 9:46 am

WWs x a million
I really hope the shock is to blame for your decision, LW. DTMFA, and please take care of your daughter, I can only imagine how violated she must feel. ANd apologize for having thought of letting hte guy stay on.That must have been awful for her

JK JK October 18, 2012, 10:02 am

That should read “apologize to your daughter for having thought…”

MackenzieLee MackenzieLee October 18, 2012, 10:38 am

I definitely agree about apologizing to your daughter. She surely feels like you picked him over her. 16 is a pivotal age in her development. Make sure she knows how much you love her and how much you want to protect her from all evil in the world (even if that evil is sharing your bed).

avatar Addie Pray October 18, 2012, 9:49 am

Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck. I just vomited a little in my mouth.

avatar mf October 18, 2012, 9:50 am

I just going to say it. If you let him stay, then yes, you are stupid and you are a bad parent. Honestly, I can’t believe you’re even considering keeping this creep around.

EscapeHatches EscapeHatches October 18, 2012, 12:58 pm

Absolutely. What he did was a gross violation of everyone’s trust, and this pesky thing known as “THE LAW.” Get him the hell out of your home. Protect your family. Consider turning him in – it’s unlikely he’d be convicted on your testimony – but at least it gets him on the radar.

If you let him stay, be prepared for your daughter to never trust you fully again.

avatar rangerchic October 18, 2012, 9:50 am

No matter what he says if he’s done it once he will likely do it again…somehow sometime in the future. It might your daughter again or her friend. Don’t be *that* mom that knew and didn’t do anything about it.

avatar temperance October 18, 2012, 9:56 am

LW, just be thankful that you cauht him trying to take photos and not trying to rape her. Now, call the fucking COPS before he does rape her, and divide that piece of shit. I am so sorry.

avatar temperance October 18, 2012, 1:40 pm

I typed this on my phone. Divide should be DIVORCE. DIVORCE him, because HOLY SHIT HE TRIED TO MAKE CHILD PORN OF YOUR DAUGHTER.

avatar j.walker October 18, 2012, 2:54 pm

And also divide him… Like, his dick from the rest of his body.

avatar jlyfsh October 18, 2012, 9:57 am

If she chooses to tell someone and they find out that you chose him over your daughter (which I’m sorry but just asking your child if they’re ok with this person they are probably scared of staying in the house, isn’t making sure she’s safe or ok) I believe you may suffer consequences for that.

Why would you be ok with a man who tried to look at your daughter naked staying in your home? I am kind of disgusted by both of you. Do you not feel extremely violated for your daughter? Do you not care that the man who says he loves you and has sex with you tried to look at your daughter naked?

I don’t care how old she is or how old she looks or how mature you or he thinks she is, she’s a kid, and neither you or him should forget that. I just can’t get over how you would choose him over your own child. And to be honest if I was your daughter I would never feel safe in my own home or with you again. How can she trust you when you’re choosing a man over her?

JK JK October 18, 2012, 9:58 am

Seriously.
I mean who would be OK with their husband trying to take naked pics of ANYONE else? And LW is forgiving him after he did to HER TEEN DAUGHTER???? I really feel sick over this.

avatar asdf October 22, 2012, 6:17 pm

I’ve known several people who were sexually abused as children. One girl and her sister were abused by their father… the mom knew and eventually put a stop to it, but never turned him in or sought any help for the victims because she didn’t want her husband prosecuted. Another was raped as a child by a camp counselor; her mother covered the whole thing up because she was having an affair with the man’s brother and didn’t want it to come to light. Another was raped — repeatedly — by her brother, over many years. The parents both knew but never stopped him. Their logic was that they didn’t want to see him imprisoned, so they weren’t going to do anything to protect her.

The common thread here is that the parents were trying to balance the competing needs of their loved ones. What makes what they did so wrong was that the competition was between an abuser and their victim. Any compromise at all means that she’s become an accessory (so far after the fact) to the abuse.

What happens when he strikes again? Again, with profuse apologizes and assurances that it won’t be repeated. Don’t be silly, it WILL happen if she lets this time go. He struck within a few weeks of the marriage being finalized. He’s almost certainly been fantasizing and planning this all through the engagement. You just don’t burst into a bathroom with a camera like that on a one-time never-to-be-repeated impulse. Iceberg situation for sure. If it happens again, the fact that she covered it up THIS time makes her culpable (morally if not legally) for the NEXT time.

LW screwed up marrying him. She needs to divorce him ASAP, reporting what happened to the police.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 10:03 am

Yes!

Deal-breaker! Marriage or no marriage. Maybe, just maybe, a man in a moment of weakness might peek. Maybe.

Taking pix, or trying to, requires deliberate planning and premeditation, and not some hypothetical momentary impulse.

The message here is that LW does not know this man. She thought she did, but he has just proven otherwise.

avatar Lindsay October 18, 2012, 1:25 pm

Yes! I’m not sure how she can know that this is out of character for him. People don’t hang signs around their neck saying that they take pics of teenage girls. It’s not something you’re going to find out about someone by going to high school with them.

landygirl landygirl October 18, 2012, 11:17 am

I never ceases to amaze me when a parent chooses their own desires over the welfare of their children. This man is a disgusting pig who violated her daughter and she’s asking if she should keep him around? Ridiculous!!

avatar Desiree October 18, 2012, 9:58 am

I agree with j2. Don’t consider this a “first offense.” Consider this your first look into the kind of man he really is and get the hell out.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 10:05 am

Absolutely!

I just posted exactly that in reply to jlyfsh!

avatar SuzyQ October 18, 2012, 1:26 pm

YES!!!!!! It’s the only thing he’s been CAUGHT doing. What else has he done? And what other inappropriate behavior has the daughter been subjected to, uncomfortable with, and didn’t tell for fear of upsetting her mother???? Arghhhh!!!!!

avatar Jenny October 18, 2012, 9:59 am

What. the. fuck. Trust me, this IS “just like him”. People just don’t one day decide to take nude photos of minors. This man is sick. Get him away from your daughter. Don’t continue to expose your daughter to a man who victimized her while he gets “help”. Your duty to your daughter is much higher than your duty to this man.

avatar Jenny October 18, 2012, 11:38 am

Also…just a general rule of thumb. If you can’t trust your significant other around your child, ESPECIALLY if you can’t trust that your significant other will refrain from sexually assaulting your child, it’s time to BREAK UP.

avatar ktfran October 18, 2012, 10:00 am

Who are these women sending letters this week and where do they come from? Because I don’t want to live anywhere near them. This LW, so far, takes top “what the fuck?!?” prize.

I don’t even have a daughter but I’m picturing this happening to one of my two nieces and believe me, there would be hell to pay.

LW, you may love this guy, but your daughter comes first. He violated her and he violated your trust. Kick him out.

avatar anonymous October 18, 2012, 10:11 am

Not only should you kick him out, you should press charges. It needs to be on record that he did this. Not just for you or your daughter, but the next victims. Your daughter is a victim of a sexual crime. Do you want the perpetrator to do it again?

There is nothing that makes this okay. Nothing. Not the stuff you forgot to include or didn’t think to add. He has no right to do this, or try to do this, and you have a moral obligation to make sure this never.happens.again. Ever.

avatar Amanda October 18, 2012, 10:17 am

Definitely second pressing charges against this “man”. I am so disgusted by this mother for even considering not ending this relationship. When your spouse sexually violates your child, your relationship is over!

avatar Amanda October 18, 2012, 10:11 am

Kick the bastard out! WTF are you waiting for LW?!!! Until he physically abuses your daughter?!! You will be a horrible parent if you don’t kick him out. It is your responsibility to provide a safe and loving home for your child. Your husband is a PREDATOR! Normal men don’t take pictures of naked women without their consent. He has ended your relationship with his behavior, so kick the bastard out.

avatar Michelle.Lea October 18, 2012, 10:12 am

this is not a ‘first offense’. i doubt very seriously that it’s the first time he’s done something like this.

honestly, i dont care if he’s getting help. good for him. kick his ass to the curb NOW or you’re risking the safety of your daughter. and how exactly do you think she’ll feel if you let him stay after he did that to her? do you really want to be that horrible to your daughter to keep some creep?

avatar Anna October 18, 2012, 10:57 am

That was my first thought too. First offense? Really? Or the first one she knows about? She’s known him since high school but just married him a month ago…I’m sure he managed to hide his pedophilia for years until the marriage. This should be a BIG HUGE RED BLINKING SIGN SAYING RUN!! Annul the marriage immediately and press charges. Also get a restraining order so he can’t come anywhere near you or your daughter.

avatar Rachel October 18, 2012, 11:45 am

I thought the same thing. There’s no way this guy’s “first offense” is taking pictures. He’s got to, at the very least, have a history of creepy peaking.

avatar SuzyQ October 18, 2012, 1:31 pm

Agreed.

avatar ANON October 18, 2012, 2:26 pm

first time he was caught. He’s probably been creeping on this child their whole relationship.

UGH I never understood how a mom could stay with a person who does this sort of thing. I’ve seen it first hand and what it can do to the child. Eventually they can overcome the abuse but the abandonment and rejection they face anger and rage every day.

YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST. You know this, don’t be so weak as to let a predator into your home and deface the bond of love you have with your child.

avatar Steeze October 18, 2012, 10:13 am

I picture this happening to me. Having a daughter and catching my high school friend/husband doing this and the only thing I see is RED. I see blood because I would physically harm him and then call the police. You don’t know this man. He has manipulated you and faked whoever you think he is. A man that takes pictures of teenage girls coming out of the shower is not a good/kind/loving/protective man. He is a pervert and has VIOLATED your daughter. Who will protect her and tell her she is valued above all others and is safe? That is a mother’s job. Forget this man you though he was. He has shown you without a doubt who he really is. Now try to heal the damage that is done and get him out of your daughter’s life and yours. I feel so very sorry for her. You shouldn’t have to think twice of what to do. It should be your instinct to protect your child and sacrifice for them.

Skyblossom Skyblossom October 18, 2012, 10:14 am

“I’ve known him since high school and this is just not like him.”

This is him, the real him. The real part of himself that he keeps hidden to project a better, actually acceptable persona. He has hidden his real self from you and has taken advantage of your daughter.
Run away from this man now. Kick him out and consider calling the police because this is almost certainly not the first time that he’s done this type of thing. He probably has files on his computer of other teen girls, maybe pictures he took himself or pictures he downloaded. You also may want to contact the police just so that they can search for files in case he did get pictures of your daughter. He might not only use them for his own sick gratification but he could share or sell them on the internet. One of the most important responsibilites of a parent is to protect their child and keep them safe. Your daughter needs you to kick this man out and I think she really needs you to call the police.

Men like this man count on you to not report him. He will act so contrite and sorry and it is a sham. Take action for your daughter, for all the previous victims and to prevent the future vicitms that surely will exist if you ignore this.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 10:28 am

I would hit the “like” button a hundred times for this, if I could.

Kate B. Kate B. October 18, 2012, 10:32 am

LW, please listen to this. This is reality.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson October 18, 2012, 10:14 am

What the fuck LW? You feel like a shitty mom because you’re acting like a shitty mom. How can you sleep in bed next to a sick, fucked up, predator??? I’m getting skeeved out thinking about having to walk on the same sidewalks as predators and you’re sleeping with one? How does that make you feel? How do you think that makes your daughter feel? Sorry that wedding was a total waste of your time – but get divorced ASAP.

And if you don’t – and I was a DA on the case – I would charge you too. You realize what he did is a crime right?

Diablo Diablo October 18, 2012, 11:21 am

Does anyone know what the technical correct name for the crime is? I ask because I think it should be spelled out clearly to the LW, and I agree with you and others who have named her essentially as an accessory to the crime. Is it “sexual assault of a minor”? “Child pornography”? My hope is that seeing these phrases in print will spur the LW to take action to protect her daughter and herself.

I would like to see an update within a few days in which she tells us that she called the police. Divorce or annulment is actually a minor private matter in comparison with the real meaning of this situation. The LW is actually currently a part of this sex crime against her daughter. There is only one course of action. I actually wonder whether Wendy should be contacting the authorities, if she has any information that would lead to the apprehension of the husband. Can someone with the legal background please advise Wendy on her responsibility here. I’m concerned that any sense of confidentiality or trust between her and the LW is actually legally trumped when serious crime has been committed involving a minor. Anyone?

avatar camorzilla October 18, 2012, 11:27 am

Addie Pray where are you?

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:33 pm

It depends on state laws as to whether or not Wendy is legally responsible, and what jurisdiction the case is in. In my state, Wendy would be legally required to report this to Child Protective Services [1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)] if she has any identifying information. You are complicit to child abuse if you don’t.

The mom is DEFINITELY required to leave and definitely required to report. In fact, the mom is committing the crime of failure to protect. She can be indicated as a child abuser, she can have her child removed from the home, and she can serve prison time if she doesn’t leave and report this. This is very serious business.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:35 pm

I say this as a social worker who is (hopefully) getting a job interviewing children who’ve been severely sexually abused. I’ve seen so many parents have their children removed and their parental rights completely terminated for this sort of thing.

avatar Jenny October 18, 2012, 12:40 pm

I am a social worker who performs assessments on kids placed in foster homes. You’re right, this is an issue of “failure to protect” and she could lose custody of her daughter over it.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:43 pm

Yup, this happens all the time! It even happens when one parent is abusing the other but not abusing the children. If they’re abusing the children and no one does anything, the one who lets it happen is just as guilty. She might as well be taking the pictures herself if she’s not going to do anything. That’s crass but true. I hope she reports this and kicks him out this afternoon.

theattack theattack October 18, 2012, 12:46 pm

Also, it’s always nice to meet fellow social workers! hello there :)

Skyblossom Skyblossom October 18, 2012, 1:02 pm

Thank you to both of you for sharing this information.

avatar Sunshine Brite October 19, 2012, 8:31 am

Agreed! Yay social workers!

Diablo Diablo October 18, 2012, 12:37 pm

Thanks for this. Wendy, please check into this and be sure you are responding appropriately sop as to protect yourself.

Dear Wendy Wendy October 18, 2012, 1:05 pm

I am, thank you.

Kate B. Kate B. October 18, 2012, 2:07 pm

I believe this falls under voyeurism. “Voyeurism is the sexual interest in or practice of spying on people engaged in intimate behaviors, such as undressing, sexual activity, or other actions usually considered to be of a private nature.” From Black’s Law Dictionary: “Gratification derived from viewing the genitals or sexual acts of others, usually secretly.” In CA, this is considered a misdemeanor. However, since it involves a minor, a perusal of Megan’s Law info suggests that this may qualify as a violation. If so, the husband would be considered a predator and if convicted, must register as a sex offender. The LW needs to consult law enforcement and an attorney.

avatar CSP October 19, 2012, 6:33 am

It isn’t because she is a minor. I would be the creation and distribution of child pornography. That is a felony.

avatar ebstarr October 18, 2012, 10:14 am

What everyone said – but after kicking him out and maybe getting a restraining order for her daughter, she could suggest he get his head checked out. On the off chance it’s a neurological problem, and really is out of character for him?

On the other hand, the fact that they’ve been married less for a month makes it pretty obvious he was waiting to tie her down before preying on the person he was really interested in. Horrifying.

JK JK October 18, 2012, 10:19 am

I get what you´re saying, but in my experience with people with neurological disorders (with different etiologies), when there are out of character sexual behaviours, it has to do with lack of impulse control (maybe they say lewd things, ogle, or touch what they´re not allowed). The fact that he planned this out, laid in wait for the girl to come out of the shower, and then tried to take the pictures? Just screams predator. Of course I could be wrong.
Ew, just typing out that plan made me feel like vomiting.

avatar ebstarr October 18, 2012, 10:52 am

Bleh. Yes. And the fact that it was so soon after the LW committed to him also screams predator. But I remember reading something recently on another site like “My husband pushed me down the stairs” or something, and she said it was out of character and then it turned out he had a brain tumor. But you’re right, this doesn’t sound the same, and I wouldn’t want to give this LW a false hope and encourage her to remain in denial about whether she needs to kick him out, which she needs to do like yesterday.

avatar lynn October 18, 2012, 10:17 am

When I clicked on this, I was hoping it was just a attention-grabbing title – that maybe your new husband is a photographer and your daughter was older and wanted pics for her boyfriend or something slightly less icky (still icky).

But oh c’mon on now! How is this even remotely OK?! Kick him out now. He violated your daughter’s privacy and this could just be the first steps to something even more. WWS. Kick him out, get the marriage annulled if possible and protect your kids. Be a mama bear, please.

avatar ktfran October 18, 2012, 10:24 am

When I read the title, I was picturing a dad taking photos of his new baby in the bathtub or something and, thinking they’re cute, posted them on Facebook and the wife not approving and wanting validation. Yes, that went through my head before I clicked to read.

Anyway, that scenario is infinitely better than the one I read. No comparison really.

Kate B. Kate B. October 18, 2012, 10:40 am

I thought the same thing. I was not expecting this.

avatar lynn October 18, 2012, 10:53 am

Yes! Mine initial thought was still really out there, but I definitely wasn’t expecting this. It scares me to think how many creeps there are out there.

avatar EricaSwagger October 18, 2012, 10:19 am

I can tell you right now if this happened to me, I’d be out of that house before my hair dried.

Both you and your daughter need to go to therapy immediately. The fact that both of you are okay with him still living in your house is a serious, serious problem. It makes me think that he controls your lives in some very important way. It makes me think he’s dangerous; that you’re scared to kick him out because of what he’ll do or what he won’t be providing you if he leaves.

Wendy’s advice is perfect. Get him out of there, get him away from you and from your daughter, and get yourselves into therapy. I suspect some real issues in that house and I hope you’ll see it and take the advice.

JK JK October 18, 2012, 10:22 am

I get the feeling the daughter is just going along with what LW says, and is not actually OK with the sleaze staying.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 18, 2012, 10:25 am

I agree. I’m not fully convinced that she is truly okay with it.

avatar ktfran October 18, 2012, 10:26 am

Me too. When I was younger, I pretty much listened to and did whatever my parents told me to do. I didn’t make waves. Or many anyway. Maybe the daughter is like that. Which actually makes it worse for her.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 18, 2012, 10:27 am

I agree or maybe since the mother already implied that she wants to stay with the husband that the daughter’s scared of what could happen if she does make waves.

avatar EricaSwagger October 18, 2012, 10:29 am

I’d move out, at least temporarily. There has to be a friend or relative somewhere that would understand and take her in. She’s 16, she has enough of a sense of the world to know what happened is messed up, and she is choosing to stay in her home with that man and the mother who chose him over her own child.
The whole thing screams manipulation. There has to be a reason the daughter and the mother aren’t making as big a deal of it as we all are.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 18, 2012, 10:32 am

That’s assuming she’s willing to tell a friend or relative which is a big assumption.

avatar EricaSwagger October 18, 2012, 10:36 am

If she chooses to be unsafe in that household over being embarrassed and ashamed or whatever other feelings you think she’s afraid to share, that just goes to my point. There’s a serious problem in making the choice to stay in that house.

LadyinPurpleNotRed LadyinPurpleNotRed October 18, 2012, 10:39 am

I’m not saying that there’s nothing wrong with that. There is. But it’s a common reaction. It doesn’t help that her mom desperately wants things to go back to the way they were. It’s definitely screwed up.

avatar j2 October 18, 2012, 10:47 am

I think the daughter will tell someone. Maybe not right away, but she will. It will come out. It is inevitable.

For example, what if she sleeps over at a friends house? What if a gf wants to sleep over at LW’s house? Bet the daughter says no, and ends up explaining.

“My mom and I have a deal. I am never to be alone with my stepfather.” Uh-huh. Just how does LW think that will play out?

avatar iseeshiny October 18, 2012, 12:48 pm

Or just complaining about parents in general. “Oh yeah? You think you have it bad? My stepdad is such a creep – he’s always trying to look at me. Once he tried to take pictures of me coming out of the shower.”

Kids are like that.

avatar painted_lady October 18, 2012, 4:30 pm

Especially if it isn’t treated like the crime it is.

avatar ktfran October 18, 2012, 10:51 am

Honestly, I’m picturing myself at 16 and I don’t know that I would have the guts to tell someone what happened and try to move out or stay at a friends. But I lived a very sheltered life. My mom (and dad) were always there for me and protected me. But I also did as they said. If this 16 year old is use to that, I can 100% see how she would not know what to do and take her mom’s lead on this. This is ALL on the mom, not the 16 year old.

Some people haven’t had to deal with life yet at 16, and I don’t fault this young girl for doing as her mom says. Or not knowing her options. Really, a 16 year old shouldn’t have to grow up that fast.

avatar fallonthecity October 18, 2012, 10:22 am

Holy crap LW. Snap out of it! Imagine being your daughter. She is supposed to trust you to protect her, and you are willing to compromise her safety and security in her own home because you are too chicken shit to give up a man? Really. You should have dragged that sorry excuse for a man out of your house by his hair the second you found this out.