From the forums:
She has a 3-year-old who is going to be our ring bearer, and now she is pregnant and due sometime in December, I believe. I am very concerned that she will try and bring this new baby to our wedding next fall and deliberately make her child be the center of attention. I honestly believe that this girl, not woman, would do anything to ruin our day and make it all about her, as this is what she typically tries to do.
I have been advised to not say anything, but, as the wedding gets closer, I want to know how I should go about addressing this situation. I have been told that she is the type of girl that, if she finds out that I do not want the new baby there, she will do any and everything in her power to make sure that that baby is there and probably crying the entire time. So, how should I handle this? — Not Sharing the Spotlight with a Baby
I’m confused by your rules around the wedding. Are all children who aren’t babies invited? Or just the children who will be in the wedding? Do you not have any other guests who have young children/babies? If you do, how were you planning on letting people know that babies aren’t invited? I mean, at some point — usually when the invitations are sent out — you clarify who is actually invited to the wedding. Maybe that’s what you mean when you talk about your fiancé’s SIL “finding out” that you don’t want her baby at your wedding, but it sounds more like you aren’t actually planning to tell her yourself or to indicate such on her invitation, and you’re expecting word about the no-babies rule to simply get back to her eventually. And, frankly, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. It’s like you’re purposely setting her up to piss you off.
Quit being so passive and, if you don’t want babies at your wedding, make that clear on your invitations by addressing the invitation only to people invited and including a little note that says something like: “We love your babies, but our wedding is for children three and up” or whatever. Or, you could be proactive in a different way and decide that, since you’re going to have children at your wedding anyway, you’ll allow babies, but you’ll have areas where their parents can take them when they’re fussy or need to be fed. This really isn’t that hard.
And, my God, if someone else’s baby being present at your wedding is going to ruin your whole day, you might want to work on your threshold of devastation because I promise you that a baby’s presence — even on your special day — is not even close to the worst thing that will ever happen to you. It’s probably not even the worst thing that will happen at your wedding. And if it is, then, congratulations — it sounds like it will be a very pleasant day.
Bottom line: While you don’t like your SIL, she is going to be your extended family, which means she’ll likely be in your life for a very long time. You need to make an effort to get along, for your brother’s sake, his family’s sake, and the sake of any children you might have. That means acting like a grown-up and not stooping to whatever level you think the SIL is on. You talk about her being “a girl” and not a woman, but I can’t think of a whole lot that sounds more childish than a grown woman bellyaching about a damn baby stealing all her attention on her special princess day. Grow up! And take some responsibility for the tension between you and this woman being partly your fault, because, if you treat her like your letter indicates you might, the SIL is clearly not the only one acting a fool in this scenario.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.