Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Sugar Daddy Got Me Pregnant”

I have had a sugar daddy for the past two years. He is divorced but still lives with his ex-wife. They have three kids together, aged 21, 18, and 5. I’ve never had a problem with being his sugar baby because I’m trying my hardest with school, but I got pregnant by him and he REALLY wants me to keep it and so do I.

His ex-wife found out and kicked him out so he’s been staying with me and we got a very nice house together. I have a Mercedes, etc. Well, his ex harrasses me — tells me to kill my baby, etc. My sugar daddy doesn’t defend me and he sneaks off and hangs out with his kids and ex-wife all weekend and ignores me and then comes home expecting me to forgive him and be OK with it, and now tonight he didn’t come home and he’s at her house, which I know because I drove by. What do I do?

I really want to keep my baby, but I don’t want to be a single mother. I’m so scared. I’m barely 20.
I’ve been going crazy on him yelling, screaming, crying, and he just doesn’t seem to care. Before all this happnened we had the best relationship. He’s always been there. Do you think his ex is using the 5-year-old daughter to keep him or what? I just don’t get it. My mom said to act like I don’t care and he’ll come back to me. — Sugar Baby on Board

Sugar, you never had a relationship with your sugar daddy. You had a business transaction. He won’t “come back” to you because he was never yours to begin with. He paid you to give him companionship and sex. You took his money and gifts in exchange for giving him what he wanted. That’s not an exchange of love. That’s commerce.

How do you know for sure he’s even divorced and no longer in a relationship with his ex-wife? It seems strange that a man who can afford multiple homes would continue living with a woman he no longer has any relations with, even if they do share a young daughter together.

Regardless, if you keep this baby, you will be a single mother. It is highly unlikely that your sugar daddy, a financially successful man and father of three kids, one who’s older than you, is going to marry or continue living with a 20-year-old student he’s been paying for sex. That’s just not realistic. What you can hope for is financial support from him, but you will need to see a lawyer and obtain proof of paternity for that.

What you can’t expect is emotional support. You can’t expect this man to wake up in the middle of the night to feed this baby or give it a bath or even love him or her. He has already proven to be undependable and you haven’t even given birth yet. For all intents and purposes, you will be this child’s only parent. That is a huge undertaking and investment for anyone. I can imagine it would be quite daunting for someone barely 20 who has been making ends meet as a sugar baby.

You’re not going to be the baby much longer. If you decide to keep this child, you’ll be the parent. And the “relationship” you thought you had with your sugar daddy is over. You need to do some soul-searching, talk with a lawyer about your rights, and go get tested for STDs. Really, the last thing you should be worrying about is how to get your sugar daddy “back.” What you think you had isn’t real. Unfortunately, the situation you now find yourself in is very real, and, sugar baby, it’s time to grow up and start making some tough decisions.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

149 comments… add one
  • avatar

    muffy November 19, 2012, 9:08 am

    I like how you mention the mercedes and nice house. Those are great reasons to stay.

    I’m being sarcastic. I think you may find yourself homeless when/if he gets a new girlfriend. This man is not your boyfriend and will not be there for you emotionally. Decide for yourself if you want to keep this baby under the pretense that you will be a single parent.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl November 19, 2012, 9:08 am

    My first thought when reading this was that sugar daddy had not left his wife and kids (he has the family and then the LW is his little thing on the side). Think Big Poppa on Real Housewives of Atlanta. LW – I am sorry that you are dealing with a nasty dose of reality here but you need to open your eyes. Your Sugar Daddy is more committed to his first family than you and likely always will be. Follow Wendy’s advice and make sure you cover yourself and your child legally. You can also reach out to support systems in your school. There are probably services which will help you find daycare, doctors, etc. Best of luck.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle November 19, 2012, 9:22 am

    LW, listen to Wendy. You’re not in a relationship with this guy. You seem to have the mistaken idea that just because he told you to keep the baby, he’s gonna abandon his real family & start a new one with you. Maybe he did plan to give you his financial support– I don’t know. But he was never planning to BE with you.

    I’m also thinking his “ex-wife” is really just his wife, so you should consider that possibility. And his children are still his children. I’m sure he WANTS to see them, so don’t assume that his “ex” is an evil witch using them as pawns to ensnare him.

    I really feel for you, but you need to stop “going crazy on him” & decide what you want to do with your baby, now that you’ve been enlightened. You can’t spend the rest of your life acting like you don’t care (which, I’m sorry, is terrible advice) just so he sticks around.

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  • avatar

    Eve Harrison November 19, 2012, 9:22 am

    Whaat.

    Okay, totally speechless.

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    • avatar

      Eve Harrison November 19, 2012, 9:30 am

      You have some big decisions to make. If you want to keep the baby [and even raise it] you’re going to have to start thinking about getting a full time job with benefits, finding a home to raise it in, not to mention cutting back your academic commitment to part-time or no-time student.

      Babies are incredibly hard. I raised my little brother for 6 years, so I would know. Your child will be completely dependent on you, because you will define hen’s world and set the ‘base rules’ as you raise hen. It will be incredibly hard because hen will need you for all of the little things and more. Have you considered applying for food stamps or government assistance, or seeing who qualifies? You could save a lot of money if your baby food costs are subsidized.
      Also, since you’re under 20 you should be under their insurance. Have you seen a doctor yet to talk about vitamin supplements and dietary restrictions? Alcohol is a no-no but I am sure there are other things your doctor can talk about. Do your friends know yet? Also, realize how difficult socializing will be post-baby. I know a lot of parents who went out several times a week, only to find themselves going out once or every other month. It’s a lot to handle!

      Shock aside, good luck! This WILL become a transformation in your life.

      [In a Swiss school, ‘hen’ is used as to remove and replace the gendered undertones of he/she] 🙂

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      • avatar

        Christy November 19, 2012, 10:12 am

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 10:48 am

        I’m surprised at the rush to looking for govt. assistance. If this guy can afford to be a sugar daddy, she simply needs to go to court and get child support from him. I’m not saying she won’t have to work to contribute as well, but it sounds to me like she won’t need govt. assistance.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant November 19, 2012, 11:55 am

        You know – I agree. While thank God such programs exisit, and she should seek them out if he turns out to be a deadbeat dad (totems possible!) that should be a last resort. She should first try to get support from the financially stable sugar daddy, or you know, find a way herself to support the child. If after that she can’t keep her head above water then seek out additional support. I fully believe in having a strong social safety net, but people should *attempt* to be self sufficient first. If they can’t, well then there’s no shame that’s what we have it for – to get people over that hump.

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      • avatar

        Eve Harrison November 19, 2012, 1:36 pm

        You guys are 100% right. I just figure she should prepare for the worst; that somehow financial support falls through the roof. She should be prepared to explore all options because even if she has a fair shot, child-support can still fall through the roof. And this is assuming the father would pay even if it were court ordered. Some parent’s don’t come through for their biological kids.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 1:46 pm

        Absolutely agree. Child support, just like any income, is never a guarantee.

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      • avatar

        no guarantee November 19, 2012, 4:08 pm

        Sugar Baby best also hope he doesn’t have a full turn around and go after full custody or anything like that. The legal world is a minefield with traps on both sides.

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  • avatar

    muffy November 19, 2012, 9:24 am

    Also I’m sorry but your mom knows about this?! My mom would kill me if I was in this situation. Look you don’t want this guy to come back to you because he’s not faithful to you.

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    • avatar

      MissDre November 19, 2012, 9:33 am

      That’s what I was thinking.

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    • avatar

      Emma November 19, 2012, 9:50 am

      Well, considering the advice her mother gave her, is it that surprising that she isn’t freaked out by the whole thing?

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh November 19, 2012, 9:58 am

        yeah you have to wonder if that was the exact advice her mom gave and how much of the story she knows. it might have been something like back off and let him have some space to think. i might get giving her mom too much credit for sure, but i just have to wonder how much of the story she really knows…

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      • avatar

        ktfran November 19, 2012, 12:01 pm

        Unfortunately, I grew up around a lot of adult women who think having a man by your side is the most important thing. And they preach this to their daughters. I can 100% see the mom of this LW advising her to do whatever she can to get this dbag back. Especially since he has money.

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      • avatar

        Mandy S November 19, 2012, 12:01 pm

        Yeah, but look at the situation she got herself into. I don’t want to stereotype too much, but does this sound like a stable and well-supportive parenting environment? If it really was, she likely wouldn’t be out there looking for a “sugar daddy” to begin with.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh November 19, 2012, 12:10 pm

        yeah, i agree with you both. i just wanted to think it wasn’t true.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. November 19, 2012, 10:37 am

      Yeah, that just blew me away.

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    • avatar

      GTR November 19, 2012, 8:51 pm

      Presumably Mom is a brainless slutbag as well.

      It’s pretty clear that the LW’s mind has been so saturated with bling, Kardashians and rap videos that it can barely function in the normal world. The fact that she appears to have never considered the consequences of her actions… or even appreciated that the concept of “consequences” exists… makes this situation all the more pathetic.

      Some people needed a damn good slapping. Metaphorically, of course, not physically.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl November 19, 2012, 9:28 pm

        Wow. Classy comment.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark November 19, 2012, 11:42 pm

        As if this is a classy letter…

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  • avatar

    j2 November 19, 2012, 9:55 am

    I have one more thing for LW to consider.

    While you’re dealing with the real baby, the guy will get another sugar one.

    Count on it.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh November 19, 2012, 10:13 am

    I think like Wendy said there are many think you don’t know about this guy. Is he really divorced, are you the only sugar baby he has? At the end of the day he isn’t even a real partner, and as much as you feel like it was, it doesn’t seem like it was a real relationship. He’s someone who pays you to hang out with him and sleep with him. He gives you a nice house and a nice car to drive in. He doesn’t want you for you, he wants you for sex and maybe a break from every day life. It might be hard to hear, but you need to hear it.

    Also the Mother can’t be using her 5 year old to keep him around. Because, here’s the thing about having a child with someone. You have to have some sort of a relationship with them for the rest of your life. And more than likely the Father will probably continue to spend weekends with his children. Even those that are out of the house. Because, kids don’t magically stop mattering to most parents when they turn 18.

    You have to decide if you want to raise your child in this situation. You’ve said you don’t want to be a single mother, but from his actions it’s obvious that your child isn’t going to have him as a full time Father. And there’s nothing you can do about that. And really why would you want to be with this guy? He’s shown you multiple times that he doesn’t want to be with you. You need to listen to that and believe it. And don’t make the only reason you choose to keep this child be to have something to hold over his head and force him to give you attention. You have to stop thinking about you and start thinking about your baby and making the best decision for it.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 10:54 am

      Re your last paragraph, while its not exactly saintly to be a sugar daddy, assuming he is actually divorced, it doesn’t sound like there’s a guarantee this guy will be a deadbeat dad. I don’t think Sugar Daddy and LW will last as a “couple,” but it sounds to me like he’s close with his existing children and is not opposed to having one with the LW, so its quite possible he may be a good father and provide support, he just likely won’t be around full time, like you said. 20 is young for a parent, but not impossible, especially if she’s receiving adequate financial support for the child.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh November 19, 2012, 11:00 am

        I think thought that’s not what the LW wants, at least from her letter. She wants him to choose her and be the full time Dad and I don’t think that’s going to happen. He might be a good Father, but it won’t be a full time live in Father. And 20 might just be young for some people but yeah for her it sounds like she is in no way emotionally ready to be a parent. And personally I think she does sound like someone who would have this baby just to have it to hold over his head.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 11:04 am

        I don’t disagree. I think she will get a ton of practical information and advice from everyone on here and be aware of what will very likely be her future should she keep the baby. If, IF, she has that info going forward, maybe she can at least make the decision with full understanding of what is to come.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh November 19, 2012, 11:07 am

        honestly from the tone of her letter i don’t see her being mature enough to appreciate any advice given. because none of the questions she asked were about her baby or how to be a good parent, but about how to get him back.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 11:15 am

        This is true, also. I’m not denying any of what’s being said.

        What I’m saying is LW, read these comments.
        This is exactly how it will be for you and your baby.
        This is exactly what you will need to do for you and your baby to thrive and succeed.
        Now that you know this, do you think you can do it and give it your all?
        If know all of this, you say yes, that’s wonderful. If knowing all of this, you think it sounds like way too much, that’s fine too. Just make an educated decision. It is possible for this to turn out ok. Its also possible it will turn out disastrous if you don’t grow up and do it right.

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  • katie

    katie November 19, 2012, 10:15 am

    i cant even touch this one… i need positivity in my life right now.

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  • avatar

    Riefer November 19, 2012, 10:16 am

    Do what Wendy said, talk to a lawyer immediately! Find out what kind of support you can get. Because if you don’t get any support from him, then that means you’re a single mom trying to finish school without a job. You have a decision to make, fairly quickly, and you need all the information you can get before you make it. Also, where will you live if he moves back in with his wife and sells the new house you have together? I don’t think you can count on keeping that house, unless he signs some kind of agreement. So you better check with your mom if you can come home with the baby, or you’ll have to at least consider other living arrangements.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster November 19, 2012, 10:17 am

    Alright. I’m going to say something taboo. I do not think you should continue your pregnancy if that is still an option. If this is even a real letter that is. To be clear- I’m not telling you what to do, I’m telling you what I *think* you should do. In my opinion. And this is why: You are a teenager. I know quite a few successful and brilliant women who were teen mothers, but I don’t know a single one who didn’t face tremendous challenges. Part of the reason they are so badass is because of facing those challenges. But they ARE challenges and they will forever alter the course of your life. You haven’t finished your education and are pregnant by a man who PAID YOU FOR SEX, who has a kid who is OLDER than you. Judging by your mother’s TERRIBLE advice, you both need to stop going to each other for counsel. And that is a cycle that’s just going to repeat itself. You are ill equipped to be a parent. Get your head out of your ass and stop driving by the home of your “sugar daddy” (barf), stop living with this man, focus on school, and for fuck’s sake really THINK about all the consequences for you and for a child you would bring into this world.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh November 19, 2012, 10:23 am

      I agree with you. And if it’s too late to not keep it, adoption should also definitely be considered. I just don’t see how this situation will ever be a good one for the baby.

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    • avatar

      MissDre November 19, 2012, 10:30 am

      Also agree with you TaraMonster.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. November 19, 2012, 10:38 am

      Totally agree.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 10:58 am

      This obviously is not an ideal situation, but if “facing tremendous challenges” (like ANY successful person would have to do) is the reason not to have a child, that’s just not enough of a reason, to me at least.

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      • avatar

        Mandy S November 19, 2012, 12:07 pm

        I agree with that – all parents to some extent face challenges the first time they parent (and likely subsequent times). That said, look at THIS situation; likely not financially stable enough to support herself (or be supported by her parents – I’m feeling like maybe her dad is out of the picture?) – no mention of school anywhere, no mention of future plans/job/self support. This sounds like a “my sugar daddy has been paying for sex and everything else” situation, but I have to wonder if “everything else” even includes school. 19 should be time to think about graduating college and what that first job will be, if you haven’t already had one. I see no mention of employment or education anywhere. What if the baby is disabled in some way? Who’s going to deal with all those ramifications? It just doesn’t sound like a mature and capable environment. “It’s difficult” can be surmounted if the parent in question is already hard-working and has a strong sufficient mindset. Not if they turn to a “sugar daddy” (read: “anyone but themself”) to pay the bills and provide for a future. That doesn’t sound capable and autonomous to me.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 12:13 pm

        There is mention of school, actually. Sounds like she’s in college, says she’s “trying her hardest” and it sounded like the reason she took on a sugar daddy was to pay for it. I assume she’s got 1-2 years left of school if she is the average student.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl November 19, 2012, 12:29 pm

        The LW can barely live her own life how can she even think of raising a child?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 12:41 pm

        The LW is in school, presumably working to further her life in a positive direction. The child’s father is clearly financially stable. Should she choose to have the child, knowing this man is only going to be a father, not a partner to her, she is in a better position that I was when I had a child and I am doing perfectly fine now, as is my child. I’m simply pointing out that it is possible, which a tremendous amount of work, dedication and growing up. I don’t really get the whole ‘its going to be hard, so give up without even considered your options’ advice.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl November 19, 2012, 1:43 pm

        I’m happy for you but you aren’t the LW and your ability to cope isn’t hers. She has already proven that she makes bad choices in life.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 1:49 pm

        There is just as good of a chance she could fail, I don’t deny that.

        I’d even go so far as to say that ANY 20 year old or teenager that gets pregnant has proven that they make bad choices in life.

        Neither of those things rule out the fact that she COULD get her life together and be a great parent.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl November 19, 2012, 2:30 pm

        Sure but I highly doubt it. She has a bad example in her mother and she is still a child herself. I think she is better off not having a child until she grows up.

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    • avatar

      Amanda November 19, 2012, 11:32 am

      WTMS. The LW should consider adoption at the very least as it seems that she has not thought about her future child’s well being at all. Please think about what is best for your child and act accordingly, LW.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant November 19, 2012, 12:27 pm

      Whether or abortion or adoption, I think its valid to tell this LW that she’s not really ready to be a mother. Some young mothers rise to the occasion, but I don’t think she’s one of them.

      LW – really think about what it would mean to be the mother of this child, and think if its in the best interest of the baby for you to raise it yourself.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 12:35 pm

        While I can’t agree that its valid to tell her she’s not ready, I love the way you put it: think if its in the best interest of the baby to raise it yourself.

        I just can’t help but to think back to when I got pregnant at 20. Had I written in and described what my life was back then, I can guarantee you everyone would’ve said have an abortion or give it up for adoption. What I needed, besides knowing my options which I think even an idiot is aware of, was someone saying here’s what you will need to do, its going to be crazy hard, but if you want it and work for it, you can do it and you and your baby will be more than fine. If you aren’t willing to do all that, then its time to think about the other options.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant November 19, 2012, 12:47 pm

        Good point. I am amend the first paragraph in my above post to this:

        I think its a valid point to tell the LW that abortion and adoption are both options she should not be dismissive of. Raising a child is a colossal responsibility, and it doesn’t sound as though she’s putting in the necessary critical thought to think if she’s up to the task or whether it would be in the best interest of the child.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 12:50 pm

        Love it 🙂 I really hope she realizes that the things she’s thinking about now are the things that should be at the bottom of the list of things to think about right now.

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      • avatar

        Meg Murry November 19, 2012, 2:40 pm

        ok, lbh, add to my list here for the “here’s what you need to do” if you want to keep this baby:
        1: Go see a OBGYN or Midwife. Setup appointments for regular prenatal care (once a month for the first 7 months, then 2x a week, then ex/week)
        2: Determine how you are going to pay for the prenatal care, birth, place to live, carseat, bottles, formula, daycare while you are going back to school, etc etc. If your SD says he is going to pay, get it in writing, and notorized.
        3. If you can’t get a legal document from SD stating how he is going to pay for prenatal care, childbirth and ongoing child support, get a lawyer. In the meantime, start the paperwoek for WIC and Medicare, so you have a plan B if he won’t pay.
        4. Figure out what you are going to do for childcare. Are you going to keep going to school? If so, who’s going to watch the baby and how much will that cost? How will you pay for it? Will you need to get a job to pay your share?
        5. Where will you live if SD kicks you out of the place you are living now? Is it in his name or yours? Will you be homeless if he no longer wants to be your SD? Have a Plan B
        6. Talk to your advisors at school about how you will handle the semester you are due to give birth. Can you take a leave of absence? Will it jeopardize an scholarships or loans you’ve taken out?
        7. What if SD tries to fight you for custody? Are you prepared for that? Or what if he doesn’t want anything to do with you or this child? What then?
        8. Babies often don’t sleep very much at night. For years. My 1 year old still wakes up every 3 hours, I am a walking zombie. Are you prepared for that? You can’t just sleep in on the weekend to make up for it – having kids means you will spend years in a state of sleep depravation, especially without a partner to help out with it.

        anyone else have more to the list, so LW knows what she’s getting into and can make an informed decision? Or any other resouces for her?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 2:53 pm

        You’ve listed so many very important things. I hope the LW pays particular attention to this and Skyblossom’s list below.

        If after reading all of this, she decides to have the child, I would suggest, in addition to working as much as possible during your pregnancy, double up on classes too because that time is the easiest time you will have to finish it. Some schools and employers have day care on site, but trust that its a hell of a lot easier to study without rocking a screaming baby after working on your feet for 14 hours straight.

        ps I’m still depressed knowing there is never “catch up on sleep” time. Good luck to you Meg!

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      • JK

        JK November 19, 2012, 3:10 pm

        9. Having kids often means ruining your figure, and with it chances of hooking another sugar daddy.

        (Just kidding, I couldnt pass it up) 😀

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 3:12 pm

        Hey now!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 3:13 pm

        In keeping with the theme of my comments today, LW, if you try really hard and are determined, you can save your figure.

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      • JK

        JK November 19, 2012, 3:17 pm

        Also if you´re lucky. Like I was. 😉

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 3:19 pm

        Yea, ditto. Plus, bodies bounce back easier when you’re only 20. So she’s got that at least.

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      • avatar

        no guarantee November 19, 2012, 4:14 pm

        The custody is really important. True story – my step aunt’s hubby had an affair. He knocked up the affair and being a good Christian she kept the baby. Then my step aunt and her hubby sought full custody over the affair baby AND WON. And then hubby had affair #2 and step aunt now has her own child + affair baby. Seriously. I couldn’t make that up if I tried!

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 4:43 pm

        This is a great list! The thing that I would add is that this covers the basics. If you want any extras they cost more. Things like toys and photos and gymboree or preschool cost extra. Would you want swimming lessons and camp and dance class/sports. They are all extra. Things won’t get any cheaper. My daughter begged to go to ballet and so I enrolled her in ballet. The cost, six years ago, was ten dollars per week for the class plus about $80 for the outfit (leotard, dance skirt, tights and ballet shoes.) Then there was the show fee of $80 and the costume for the show cost $45 plus we had to buy tickets at $15 each to see the show. Also there were show photos starting at $20 for a basic package and all the parents give their daughters a bouquet of flowers after the show so we also bought a bouquet of roses to give to her. So each year of ballet cost about $700. Preschool, nine years ago, was $120 per month so cost more than $1000 per year. Our high school pay to play fees are now $450 per child per sport. My daughter wanted to be in band so we bought a flute and beginning music book and music stand. She has a concert coming up so this weekend we will go out to buy the dress she needs for the band concert. She has been growing and doesn’t have an appropriate dress that fits. She may also need shoes. Her summer theater class cost $275 last year. It will probably be $300 next summer.

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      • JK

        JK November 19, 2012, 4:54 pm

        Also something very serious to consider, is not all babies are perfect, healthy little bundles of joy. Many, MANY babies are born every year with a wide variety of health problems. Some of which require lifelong care, And special schooling, special equipment, etc. etc.
        Nobody should have a kid without considering that this could happen to them.
        Prenatal care plays a HUGE part of prevention, so please LW see a dr asap.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 5:07 pm

        Yes! All of the comments assume a healthy baby but we all know people with children with birth defects. A friend had a baby with a heart defect and he needed heart surgery at two days and again at two months and again just before turning two years old. Plus he needed physical, occupational and speech therapy and he is still mentally retarded and will need a guardian his entire life. Having a severe heart defect means that the brain doesn’t get enough oxygen.

        Another couple had a baby with Down Syndrome and she needed heart surgery before she could come home from the hospital.

        A third couple we know had a baby with Down syndrome and she also had an unrelated birth defect where she was missing a hand. She will need a prosthetic hand her entire life.

        My son had a classmate who was born prematurely due to her mother having eclampsia and she had brain bleeds in the hospital that left her with legs that don’t work right and she uses a wheel chair.

        Another couple we know had a child with spina bifida and yet another couple has a child with autism and another with a son with muscular dystrophy.

        The odds are good that the baby will be healthy but birth defects are so common that you will always know families with children who need extra care.

        Link
      • JK

        JK November 19, 2012, 5:26 pm

        Yeah, I´m an occupational therapist so my mind always goes to that place. And as you can imagine I´ve seen all types of birth defects and other handicaps. ANd what parents go through

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 6:14 pm

        It is so hard on the parents, especially when the child gets older. It reaches the point that the parents can’t go out and get a break. When your child is ten but acts like a toddler and still wears diapers you can’t get a babysitter. The stress level is so high on these families. The grandparents are often physically not strong enough to handle the child as they grow up so can’t babysit and no one else is willing or capable so a parent has to be there all of the time.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. November 19, 2012, 7:17 pm

        My niece was born with a host of medical problems that require special care, equipment and constant trips to the hospital. The bill for the first six months of her life: $600K. Even with insurance, that’s a big chunk of change.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark November 19, 2012, 11:44 pm

      THIS!!!!

      Reply Link
  • Diablo

    Diablo November 19, 2012, 10:20 am

    Wow, am I just in a bad mood today, or is everyone being way too nice to this LW?

    I have a tiny kernel of sympathy for you because you are so young. I hope you eventually see how wrong you have been about life.

    But you sold your body to this man for money and stuff. That just isn’t right. You don’t have a Mercedes. you don’t have a house. You don’t have anything, and shouldn’t because you didn’t earn anything.

    You took physical and emotional closeness, things that can be the defining anchor for a person’s life, and traded them for something that is sad, cheap and nasty. You got YOURSELF pregnant, because anybody taking reasonable precautions can avoid this. You’ve heard of condoms and birth control right?

    I feel sorry for your predicament, but you need to grow up before you ruin your own life, and that of any children you create while you sell yourself to men who will use you and then abandon you.

    Reply Link
    • Kate B.

      Kate B. November 19, 2012, 10:42 am

      I guess I’m in a bad mood, too. At least professional prostitutes know the concept of birth control.

      Reply Link
    • landygirl

      landygirl November 19, 2012, 12:02 pm

      You are in your right ming today. Good answer.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      ele4phant November 19, 2012, 12:05 pm

      Look I would never never NEVER be interested in selling my body and am icked out by the thought of it buuutttt – she gave him a service that he agreed to pay for. She “earned” this just as much any other service she could have given him.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        ele4phant November 19, 2012, 12:16 pm

        Just to clarify, I’m not defending this LW, she’s a hot mess and pretty deluded. But, generally speaking just because some of us (myself included) view sex as something special, something to be shared only with someone you care about, that doesn’t mean we get the moral high ground to insist everybody else view sex the same way. Some people just don’t think sex is all that sacred, and their POV is just as valid as mine.

        Bottom-line, if a man is willing to pay, and a woman willing to provide, and they’re both consenting adults, who is anyone to tell them that transaction is wrong? I would never do it, but that’s me.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo November 19, 2012, 12:36 pm

        Fair enough. Certainly, my view will always be that selling your sex/body/love is the worst waste of your own humanity and the worst disservice you can do to yourself. That waste is really far more an issue than a simple commercial arrangement that would not be to my taste.

        But still, REALLY, if we are talking “earn,” then typically prices are negotiated up front. “We got a nice place” does not equal “he bought me a house for sexing him.” Same with a Mercedes. I don’t know what ass sells for in your part of the world, but around here you don’t have to give a girl a Mercedes and a house to get some. Do YOU REALLY THINK she earned those things and owns them? Or do you think that they will be gone in short order? Seriously, who has the power to dictate terms in this situation? Wealthy successful older man or deluded girl? This situation is not a fair market negotiation between equals. Who do you think is going to get the wrong end of the sh*tty stick? She’ll be fortunate to get child support. you know how life works.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant November 19, 2012, 12:58 pm

        I’m not going to speculate on what the approporiate “market value” of sex with a 19 year old should be, nor do I agree that likely she will get to keep the car and house indefinitely (and its probably not a bad idea to remind her that “Hey, this all might go away soon so be prepared.”) I have no clue whether or not she’s getting “overpaid” or not. All the same, couldn’t you argue that any service worker is getting over or underpaid, depending on your prerogative? Or product for that matter (I watch Antiques Road Show and say “Really, that ugly antique furniture is worth what?!”)? Something is worth what someone is else is willing to pay. Apparently, her services are worth a house and a car, at least for the short-term.

        Bottom line, while you (and hey, me too) think that sex isn’t a commodity to sell, other people feel differently. And that’s their business, and neither you or I really have the right to tell them they are being immoral, wrong, or dirty.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 1:58 pm

        I agree with you that this deal is her own business. The ironic part is that she has been using the sugar daddy situation to pay her way through college and avoid a lot, maybe all, debt. Now she’s in a position where the sugar daddy situation may create a huge amount of debt because pregnancy, child birth and raising a child aren’t cheap. This pregnancy may cost far more than college would have.

        I do understand the desire to do what you need to do to pay for college and get ahead in the world. The sad thing is that for this lw the whole situation is now backfiring and she will soon have someone financially, physically and emotionally dependant on her for their every need. If her primary concern is to avoid debt then having this baby isn’t for her.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant November 19, 2012, 12:38 pm

      Also, what do you mean, she got herself pregnant? Are you not holding the sugar daddy accountable for making this baby? Does it only count as dirty and nasty if you are the one giving this beautiful “physical and emotional closeness”, not if you’re on the other end of the transaction paying for it? Why wasn’t he responsible for insisting he wear a condom? Whatever circumstances, they made this baby together, he’s just as responsible for this life as she is.

      Sorry for the multiple posts, but there were several things in your post that peeved me the heck off.

      Reply Link
      • Diablo

        Diablo November 19, 2012, 12:50 pm

        I’m holding her accountable because it is her life. Sugar daddy is accountable for what he is accountable for, but that doesn’t absolve her from her own decisions. She is just as responsible as he is, too.

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      • avatar

        myopinion November 19, 2012, 10:56 pm

        Sugar daddy + sugar baby relationship = business transaction. If she got pregnant, I think she’s responsible for the pregnancy. Same as if a prostitute accidently got herself pregnancy, she can’t ask her client to be responsible and pay child support that is if she actually know who the father was.

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  • SixtyFour

    SixtyFour November 19, 2012, 10:23 am

    You allowed this guy to live in a fantasy land where he got to keep his family, children, position in the community, and have you whenever he wanted for sex. He was plenty happy to keep doing that forever and keep using you. He was always using you, only you didn’t see it, and maybe he even lied to himself enough that he didn’t think he was using you either. Now his fantasy is breaking down and things are getting too real for him. He’s a coward, and he’s bailing. If you decide to keep the child, know you’re going to be doing it alone, because this man never saw you as a potential life partner, only a piece of ass.

    Reply Link
    • SixtyFour

      SixtyFour November 19, 2012, 10:31 am

      Another thing – this man may tell you he loves you, and I’m sure after two years he does have some real affection for you, but he doesn’t love you in the way that is going to give you what you need and want. He loved you because you were easy, and by that, I don’t just mean an easy lay (although that too). The relationship he had with you was easy. He could give you gifts and some attention and you repayed him with endless love, sex, companionship, and admiration. He didn’t have to deal with real relationship issues when he was with you – why didn’t you empty the dishwasher, getting along with the inlaws, who’s turn is it to stay up with the sick baby? And he doesn’t love you enough to do it now.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        muffy November 19, 2012, 2:50 pm

        I agree with this completely. LW it could just as easily have been another girl rather than you. This man doesn’t love “you” he loves the simplicity of your relationship because once he decides to stop paying you etc. you go away.

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  • avatar

    Anna November 19, 2012, 10:25 am

    I’m getting from the tone of your letter that you don’t really agree with the thought of getting an abortion, as your sugar daddy’s wife has suggested (I know you said ex-wife but I agree with the others that they are probably still in a relationship). You also don’t want to be a single mom, which is definitely what you will be in this situation. So why not have the baby and give it up for adoption?

    When it comes to this older man who wanted a sexual relationship with you and was willing to pay handsomely, that’s all he wanted. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend rather than his sugar baby, you would be. Now that your body is changing, I wouldn’t be surprised if you stops calling you altogether. He was only hanging out with you so he could have sex with a hot younger woman. If you do decide to keep and raise the baby, get a paternity test ASAP so you can get child support from Mr. Richy Horny Pants.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Elle November 19, 2012, 10:26 am

    There are so many wrong things here…. But I’ll stick to only two.

    First, stop driving by his ex’s house. I’m pretty sure that’s considered stalking.

    Second, think very hard if you would want to have the baby even if the guy won’t be in the picture. Based on other people’s experiences, the father in these situations is not in the picture. Don’t count that this guy will be. Even though you’re entitled to child support, don’t have the baby just for the financial comfort it might provide. Please, don’t be that person.

    Reply Link
  • bagge72

    bagge72 November 19, 2012, 10:28 am

    Poor kids… choose one of the many including the LW.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    oldie November 19, 2012, 10:29 am

    You have to make a reality-based decision. Keeping the baby and his father is not an option. If you keep the baby, the odds are 99% that you will do so as a single mother. That likely means the end of college for you and a big change in your social life. Child support is unlikely to be enough to support you and your baby at much above subsistence level and still leaves the issue of how you support yourself later in life, which comes when you’re about 39.

    I take objection to your characterization that he ‘sneaks off’ to spend time with his kids. I would regard it as a huge red flag if he didn’t spend time with his three kids. It says a lot that you see it as a red flag that he does spend that time. I don’t know if he’s still married or not, but with three kids with his wife/ex he is going to have a link with her for the next two decades. It is silly for the paid mistress to be jealous of that. This man was never really your guy.

    You seem to think this ends with your sugar daddy marrying you. If that’s what he wanted, he would have asked you by now. By the tone of your letter, I’m wondering if you got pregnant on purpose. If so, really bad plan.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      MMcG November 19, 2012, 10:46 am

      “I would regard it as a huge red flag if he didn’t spend time with his three kids. It says a lot that you see it as a red flag that he does spend that time.”

      x1 million.

      This poor LW is more deluded than the people who start off having “casual encounters” and thinking that a relationship will development… this was a financial arrangement – I won’t judge the arrangement but the LW’s emotions had no business getting involved in the transaction. I have to also wonder where her father is or what happened growing up if this is the kind of man she would be attracted to and seek a commitment from (and encouraged by her mom – eeewww)

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    MMcG November 19, 2012, 10:30 am

    I can’t begin to offer advice to a young woman whose MOTHER thinks that not only is this seemingly ok, but that he will come back. CALGON will not be sufficient… DRANO take me away!!!

    Allright… I’ll give it my best shot: If you do decide to go through with you pregnancy please consider adoption, or at a minimum some serious parenting classes, so you don’t teach your child that’s it’s perfectly fine to be a 19 year sugar daddy.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      MMcG November 19, 2012, 10:32 am

      * edit – should be 17 year old sugar daddy because if they’ve been together 2 years and she’s almost 20… ugh. Someone thought Courtney Stodden was a role model 🙁

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        MMcG November 19, 2012, 10:34 am

        **sugar BABY not daddy… ugh I can’t even edit my own statements this morning. Need more coffee, and drano for my poor brain.

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    • JK

      JK November 19, 2012, 11:05 am

      I know, right? If either of my daughters came to me about wanting or having a sugar daddy…well let´s just say I wouldn´t be happy. And LWs mother is actually ENCOURAGING her and teaching her how to “get” him??? Hell no.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        MMcG November 19, 2012, 11:32 am

        It’s so early on a Monday to be faced with this level of humanity 😉

        You would think her mom’s stellar advice would at least include birth control… and Plan B.

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  • KKZ

    KKZ November 19, 2012, 10:31 am

    Oh, the facepalming from this letter should sustain me through the rest of the year.

    Two things I wanted to point out:

    (1) “My sugar daddy doesn’t defend me and he sneaks off and hangs out with his kids and ex-wife all weekend and ignores me and then comes home expecting me to forgive him and be OK with it.”
    OK, LW, let’s pretend he does come back and you do form some facsimile of a real, mature, adult relationship with him. Do you expect him to stop seeing his other kids and only favor you? Are you actually NOT OK with him spending time with his kids? He was a father long, long, long before you came along, and those duties don’t evaporate overnight.

    (2) “I’ve been going crazy on him yelling, screaming, crying, and he just doesn’t seem to care.”
    Wait – you mean you’ve been going crazy on him and it HASN’T produced the results you want? SHOCKER! Yelling, screaming and crying is what toddlers do to get their way. As a father of three, he’s dealt with this kind of emotional blowout plenty of times. No wonder he’s deaf to it – I’m surprised he didn’t instinctively put you in time out.

    Sorry to be so unsympathetic, but sheesh, what a mess. Hope you get the help you need one way or another, for the baby’s sake.

    Reply Link
    • Diablo

      Diablo November 19, 2012, 10:35 am

      To be perfectly clear, KKZ, he was a father before she was even born. What does it say about this guy that he is sleeping with a girl younger than one of his kids. Nuclear, atomic, 600-megaton SHEESH!

      Reply Link
      • KKZ

        KKZ November 19, 2012, 10:42 am

        Yeah you’re right.

        I try to be as open-minded and tolerant and accepting as the next person, but my gut reaction to a sugar-daddy relationship is “Hell No.” If it was simply a large age difference, I could plausibly get around that, but the actual sugar-daddy setup…just, UGH. (And LW if you’re reading this I don’t mean this as a personal attack/insult on you or judging you for choosing such a setup, It’s just something I find unfathomable.)

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    • avatar

      Leyahn November 20, 2012, 4:04 am

      Of course he doesn’t defend her – he pays her.
      She is an employee who provides a service in exchange for financial support.
      Somewhere along the line she forgot that.
      Oh, and if she was only 17 when they entered into this arrangement – is that statutory rape?

      Ugh, mess indeed. She will have the baby – wind up on welfare so we can all support her – then write in about how her life sucks.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    bethany November 19, 2012, 10:45 am

    All I have to say is that BGM’s head is going to EXPLODE when he reads this.

    I lied, I have 2 things to say– LW, please let someone who is capable of being a proper mother/father raise your child. You and this “man”, clearly are not up to the challenge.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Something More November 19, 2012, 4:21 pm

      His response is the only reason I opened the comments on this letter. I can’t wait!

      Reply Link
  • JK

    JK November 19, 2012, 10:50 am

    PLEASE don´t let this be the LW that wrote in last year about wanting to have a sugar daddy.

    Apart from that, I don´t even know wtf to say. Whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy, learn how to use BC ffs. It´s really not that hard, and you don´t even have the (lame) excuse of not being able to afford, it, what with being paid so well for your “services”. Also, no matter what you decide to do, you have A LOT of growing up to do. So please do it.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sue Jones November 19, 2012, 10:55 am

    You will be a single parent, but at the very least you can expect financial support from him. Get it in writing with an attorney. If this guy wants you to keep the baby, then he has to support you. But also think what this will do to your college and career plans. Once you are a parent, it will be very hard to keep up with your school without a lot of outside support i.e. childcare, nanny’s etc. If he can afford to get you a house and a mercedes, then he can also afford to pay the nanny, etc. This way if the “relationship” does not work out, you have legal rights to support from him.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay November 19, 2012, 11:15 am

    Wendy’s exactly right. It’s suspect enough when guys keep living with exes for financial reasons, but this guy has no reason whatsoever to keep living with his, yet he does. If you keep the baby, you’ll be a single mom. Though as others have said, you’ll likely be able to get a good chunk of child support from him if you pursue it. I’m not sure why you even want this guy because he’s clearly not trustworthy or committed. Do you want to have a husband who goes and spends all his money on younger women and then gets them pregnant?

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    canefan November 19, 2012, 11:42 am

    My first reaction to this letter: This can’t be real.

    Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I do have a couple of things to say:
    I agree with TaraMonster (and others) that if you’re open to abortion and its not too late in your state, you should really consider it. You need to think long and hard about the environment you’d be raising this child in. As a teenager who started a sugar daddy relationship with someone and managed to get pregnant, you don’t exactly have a stellar record for good decision making. Now is the time to drop the selfish brat act that you’ve got going and really think about what life will be like with a child. You may want the child, and he may want the child, but that doesn’t mean that bringing the child into such a messed up environment is the best choice. If abortion is not on your list of options (which is totally understandable; everyone has their reasons), please please consider adoption!! There are plenty of people in the world, with WAY better circumstances than yourself, who would love to take your child into their homes and raise him/her as their own. I personally think this is the best option for you. As much as you might wish for things to stay the same, they won’t. No matter what you choose, things will not be the same, ever. The closest you could ever get to some semblance of your life before pregnancy would be to take the adoption route.

    Lastly, your “relationship” was financial, not personal. I can see how someone as young as you are might easily confuse the two, especially since you were trading something so personal. This man is your customer, nothing more. Expecting him to play the role of a full time father and to choose you over his existing family is absurd. You need to drop these childish fantasies and come back to reality. The most you should reasonably expect from him in the future is financial child support. Its time to start making plans for the future of your child, not the future of your “relationship” with this man. Your baby should be the most important thing in your world now and the fact that he/she is not, only further proves that you are in no way ready to be a parent.

    Reply Link
    • JK

      JK November 19, 2012, 11:48 am

      WCFS

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        canefan November 19, 2012, 11:58 am

        Aww yay! My first “WCFS” haha!

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      • JK

        JK November 19, 2012, 12:09 pm

        A very well deserved one. 🙂

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster November 19, 2012, 11:51 am

      “As a teenager who started a sugar daddy relationship with someone and managed to get pregnant, you don’t exactly have a stellar record for good decision making.”

      WORD.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Amanda November 19, 2012, 11:48 am

    I just want to give a big shout out for BIRTH CONTROL! Birth control exists in many forms: condoms, pills, rings, patches, IUDs, etc. Find one, two or three methods that work for you, especially if you are a sex worker and can afford it. It’s certainly possible that one method of birth control can fail, but if you are doubling or tripling up then the chances of accidental pregnancy approach zero. It’s 2012, there are NO excuses for accidental pregnancy, which leads me to believe that the LW got pregnant on purpose.

    Reply Link
  • FireStar

    FireStar November 19, 2012, 11:59 am

    If you don’t want to be a single mother, then it looks like you can’t keep the baby. I’m afraid that this is your reality now. Think about all your options and think seriously about the consequences of those options. Custody arrangements are varied. You can have the baby and he can pay support – but maybe he will fight for custody and you will have support obligations. Speak with a lawyer. But the bottom line is that you can’t be anyone’s baby any more if you will be having one of your own so stop acting like it – now is the time to grow up. And in the future? Birth control. A lot of it.

    Reply Link
  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow November 19, 2012, 12:05 pm

    Does anyone else think she wants to keep this baby so she can keep getting “Daddy’s” money for another 18+ years?

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      jlyfsh November 19, 2012, 12:08 pm

      that or hold it over his head so he chooses her, because their relationship was the best before the pregnancy. i think she wanted him to pick her over the ‘ex’-wife long before the baby came along.

      Reply Link
    • FireStar

      FireStar November 19, 2012, 12:13 pm

      Dangerous plan. Lots of money for support means he has money to fight for custody should he want it too. Not unheard of – especially if he takes fatherhood seriously.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 12:16 pm

        I hope he would fight for custody. Ideally, 50/50 would be great for a young mom still in school.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow November 19, 2012, 1:16 pm

        Yeah, I hope for everyone’s sake (especially the baby’s) that this wasn’t all part of her “master plan.”

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  • avatar

    5oclock charley November 19, 2012, 12:07 pm

    Wendy gave you some excellent advice, please take it to heart. Starting a new family with you is not what sugar daddy signed up for, and it ain’t gonna happen. It’s time to reassess the situation and figure out what is right for you and your baby.

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  • avatar

    stilgar666 November 19, 2012, 12:08 pm

    Wow, just wow.

    Wendy, I know these crazy emails help maintain a readership, but this is too trashy.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      jlyfsh November 19, 2012, 12:14 pm

      if you take away the sugar daddy part, is it any different than a mistress getting pregnant? (assuming he’s still married) and this girl more than others probably needs to read comments/advice from other people.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        muffy November 19, 2012, 3:01 pm

        They’re all gross relationships

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  • avatar

    Tzee November 19, 2012, 12:10 pm

    Sounds like he found another woman to keep on the side. Really 20 yrs old, and sleeping with a guy who has a 21 yr old. YUCK! She deserves everything she gets. Mom gets a PARENT FAILURE award as well.

    Reply Link
  • Miss MJ

    MISS MJ November 19, 2012, 12:19 pm

    1. This guy isn’t divorced. Clearly.

    2. This guy doesn’t owe you emotional support or to be there for you, LW. That’s not what you bargained for. You had an arrangement. You provided companionship, sex and an ego boost to an at least 40-something man and he provided your 18 year-old self with money and nice things. This was a legal way for this guy to get a young piece readily available to him without having to resort to the risk of escorts, call girls or prostitutes. And, it was a legal way for you to have all of the fancy things you want without having to work for them. Sounds like it was a mutually beneficial arrangement while it lasted.

    3. But, now that the pleasure of your company includes a baby, you going crazy on him, you stalking his current (not ex) wife and his wife no longer willing to tolerate his little side thing with you, your sugar daddy is over the arrangement. Honestly, he’s probably cruising a college campus right now looking for your 18-year-old replacement. He isn’t going to “come back” to you, no matter what you do. It’s over. It’s done. Time to look forward.

    4. So, LW, your nice house, your Mercedes and your arrangement are a few weeks or months from being gone. All you will have left are the memories, a baby and whatever child support you can drag out of him. From the tone of your letter, you aren’t that interested in raising a child. I therefore echo the suggestion that you consider the abortion/adoption options that are available to you.

    5. In the future, remember that you cannot count on a man, be it a sugar daddy or a husband, to be your sole source of financial support. Also remember that it’s a sugar baby’s job to not get knocked up.

    6. Finally, the suggestion that you should engage in emotionally manipulative games like “acting like you don’t care, so that someone will come back to you” is the worst advice ever.

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  • landygirl

    landygirl November 19, 2012, 12:26 pm

    Is this letter for real? If so I may just affix my palm to my forehead permanently.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    GatorGirl November 19, 2012, 12:36 pm

    “I’ve been going crazy on him yelling, screaming, crying…”

    This is not the way an adult handles a problem. Acting like a child will only lead to you being treated like a child.

    Please consider adoption (or abortion if it’s an option). Please don’t bring a child into the world in the messy, messy situation you are in. If you do choose to have and keep your child, establish paternity immediately. From my limited knowledge, listing him as the father on the birth certificate is extremely helpful in child support and custody cases. Going forward please please please get some solid birth control education and use it!! It is so so so easy to prevent the situation you are in.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 12:45 pm

      listing him as the father on the birth certificate is extremely helpful in child support

      yes.

      Reply Link
    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 1:13 pm

      In my state you can’t just list someone who you aren’t married to as the father. They must sign the birth certificate to have their name on it. So, ask him if he is willing to sign the birth certificate. If he does then it saves you the paternity test. If he doesn’t sign it you’ll need to get a paternity test. Expect him to ask for a paternity test anyway because he should have a lawyer who will tell him to sign nothing until he is absolutely certain that he is the father.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl November 19, 2012, 1:51 pm

        Oh yes, of course every state has different requirements. Just if it’s possible, I would get him on the birth certificate. It could make her life a lot easier if their relationship would continue to sour.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 2:13 pm

        If he is present at the birth the doctor and staff should be ready with a birth certificate for him to sign at that highly emotional point. I know that in my home state they would do that with unmarried fathers because that was the time they were most likely to want to legally claim the baby as their own. Have the name picked out and be ready to go with it the moment the baby is born so that you can get that signature.

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  • avatar

    SuzyQ November 19, 2012, 12:49 pm

    Okay, this isn’t politically-correct of me, I know I’m supposed to feel badly for the innocent bystanders in this one, but I can’t manage it. We haven’t had such a trashy letter in a while. It’s awesome.

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  • avatar

    Nina November 19, 2012, 12:49 pm

    “I have a Mercedes.”

    Let us know how your Mercedes helps you figure out this situation and raise a baby. Unless you sell it.

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    • avatar

      MissDre November 19, 2012, 1:13 pm

      Except she probably can’t sell it because it’s in his name.

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      Meg Murry November 19, 2012, 2:15 pm

      Do you have the title to that Mercedes, if your name? Because if not, you don’t own it, he is loaning it to you, and he can take it back whenever he decides this relationship isn’t working out.

      LW – you say you are in school, which I’m going to guess to be college. Most schools have a counseling center – go there or call them. Talk to a
      human being. Wendy is great, but this kind of major life issue needs far more than an advice columnist, it needs ongoing support from people you can have a conversation with. Also, if you haven’t been already, go to a doctor. You need prenatal care, and if you ask the doctor they can also help you find someone to talk to about what the best options are for you and the baby, whether that be adoption, abortion or keeping the baby. But although you don’t want to be one, chances are very high that if you keep the baby you will be a single mom, so it’s time to face that reality and determine how you are going to deal with it.

      Finally, do you have somewhere else you can go? A friend’s house, a woman’s shelter, etc? You need a plan B, because if your relationship with this man ends, you will be homeless too – again, ugly situation, but reality.

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  • avatar

    Essie November 19, 2012, 1:03 pm

    Honey, you didn’t have a romantic relationship with this man. You had a job. He was not your partner or your boyfriend, he was your employer. And you have been let go.

    You’re not going to ‘get him back’. Being a sugar baby means that you are paid to provide sex and companionship for some temporary period, and then you discreetly disappear, along with any offspring that are produced. It does not mean that you are a couple, or that you’re going to become a family and live happily ever after with your baby. He already has a family, and you ain’t part of it.

    At best, you can take him to court and get child support. But yes, you are going to be a single mother, unless you choose to end the pregnancy or give the baby up for adoption.

    I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s a scary situation for you. But please don’t waste any more time ‘going crazy’ on him, that just makes you look immature and foolish. You knew what the deal was going to be when you took the job. Or you should have known.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 1:42 pm

    I find it odd to highly doubtful that his ex-wife kicked him out but allows him to come spend every weekend in their home. It is much more likely that he is still married to her and tells her he is away on business during the week. I know men who have had their job transfered and live in one city during the week and live with their family in another city on the weekend. It sounds like he is probably telling his wife that he’s away during the week because his job demands it but he is the faithful husband returning home every weekend. He may even be trying to make up for that little indiscretion that resulted in you getting pregnant.

    You’re pregnant so it is time to grow up fast. You need to determine what kind of support he will provide if you have this baby. You say he REALLY wants you to have this baby and that could be true. He may not believe in abortion and may feel that it is very important for this baby to be born. So, you need to sit down with him and have a grownup conversation. No screaming and crying in this conversation. Tell him you’ve got to make a decision about this pregnancy and you don’t have much time to make it so you need to find out the situation you’ll be living in if you do have the baby. Tell him you need to know this so that you can decide whether you can handle raising the baby.

    Things you need to know.
    1. Will he allow you to keep living in this house until the baby is raised and through college? If he says yes he should be willing to put that in writing. Demand this immediately because he will know that if he doesn’t draw up the papers but keeps you waiting for them you will reach the point where you can’t have an abortion and then he can keep from providing the house. Give him a deadline for giving you the document you need.

    2. Will he keep providing a car until the child is through college? Again, get that in writing immediately.

    3. Does he want joint custody? Does he want joint physical custody which means the baby would sometimes be spending the night with dad and at this point in time dad’s wife. Make sure you know the difference between legal custody and physical custody. If you have joint custody you can’t move away from the area where you live without his permission. That means that if the relationship ends, which it almost certainly will, and you finish college and get a great job offer in another state you can’t take the job unless he agrees. When you have joint custody you can’t take the child away from the other parent without their permission. Even if he agrees to let you move it may mean that your child will spend summers with dad.

    4. How much does he intend to provide in child support? The courts will decide this if you go to court but see what you can get in a mutually agreeable manner.

    5. Would he be willing to attend lamaze or childbirth classes with you? If he isn’t willing to do this he isn’t willing to spend much time with you and this child.

    6. Does he want to be with you at the birth?

    7. Does he intend to pay for the medical bills for this pregnancy? Since you aren’t his spouse he can’t add you to his health insurance. The medical bills include your visits to the doctor during the pregnancy, the labor and delivery fees and the newborn nursery fees. These bills are huge. If he can’t purchase an insurance policy for you that would cover these costs then ask that he put the money for all of this into an account that is legally set up to cover your health care costs. A lawyer can do this and you should ask that it be done immediately. Like the house, you need this done now and don’t let him delay. If you end up paying for all of this out of pocket you will spend years making payments on these bills.

    8. Will he put the baby on his health insurance policy once it is born? Get that promise in writing.

    9. Will he pay for a nanny or babysitter so that you can continue school? Get this in writing. Assume that you will not attend school the semester that the baby is born because newborns are exhausting.

    10. If you have student loans how will you pay for them if you have to remain out of school for over six months? Will he help cover them.

    If he balks at discussing these things or at paying for them you know where you stand. You won’t have any financial support except for what you can get from him through the courts. In that case, if you decide to have the baby, go and see a lawyer immediately to get the support you need, especially get the medical bills covered immediately.

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    • avatar

      j2 November 19, 2012, 2:10 pm

      Skyblossom is going on the basis of honesty by the sugardaddy. Being a bit more cynical, I suggest that another take is possible.

      The guy may have confessed to his wife that he got drunk and lonely while away on business, and inadvertently picked up and knocked some gold-digger (in a one-night stand) who is now looking for a meal ticket.

      LW should probably gather documentary proof that he has been her sugar daddy for two years. How was the rent paid? How was the car paid for? Her tuition? Any checks? Receipts? Evidence that he has lived at the sugar nest? She needs to do this for her (and the kid’s) protection in case the guy decides to dump/deny.

      In any case, as others have said, “Get thee to a lawyer!”

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 2:13 pm

        Even if the sugar daddy denies their “relationship,” I don’t see how it makes a difference. She can still get a paternity test. He’s the father, so it makes no difference how long they had some sugary relationship. His wife is not and should not be important to the LW in the grand scheme of this.

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        j2 November 19, 2012, 2:20 pm

        I am not a lawyer. I do not know how court’s decide on such things, figures-wise. However, there are things potentially in play here besides child support that LW may need, including the car, the (pre-paid?) rent, etc. (Who’s is it? Is she entitled to it?) Maybe some folk here with more knowledge on this stuff can chime in?

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        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 2:23 pm

        All she will ever be entitled to from him is child support. That is usually based on a percentage of income. If they were dating for 5 years or a one night stand, it wouldn’t make any difference. But I echo your’s and skyblossom’s advice to get to an attorney asap. Skyblossom’s advice was awesome.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 2:36 pm

        Yes, definitely doesn’t depend on length of relationship but on the ability of the parent to pay. The courts decide things like how much child support you get, who covers medical bills and who gets custody and visitation and the exact hours of visitation. Courts will also sometimes require that the child support check be paid directly out of the paycheck so that the support isn’t dependant on the goodwill or responsible behavior of the supporting parent. The courts can also decide who gets to deduct the child on their income tax. I’ve known parents who have had all of these things covered in their custody decree. I’ve even known of arrangements that name who pays for winter coats.

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        lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 2:43 pm

        Yes, all of this is true, and good info for the lw to have.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 2:46 pm

        Because it is highly doubtful that she will know what she needs to discuss with the father of the baby I’ve listed things for her that she needs to know. As a parent I know some of the things that she will need to cover if she becomes a parent. She can make a better decision if she finds out where she stands in all of this. He may not have thought ahead to the legal ramifications of this pregnancy. Since he was married to the mother of his current children he probably didn’t have to pay the medical expenses for their births because he probably had health insurance and the health insurance payments covered almost everything.

        None of these questions mean that I think she is ready to raise a child. She didn’t mention the needs of the child at all in her letter. She may think that if she can get him to come back to her that she is meeting the needs of her child and that everything will be fine. We don’t know what she thinks. We don’t know if she is emotionally stable. We don’t know how she would raise this baby.

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        j2 November 19, 2012, 2:14 pm

        (Oh, for an “edit” function!)

        My point was that LW should gather the info BEFORE she initiates the conversation that Skyblossom recommended (and which I completely agree with).

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 2:17 pm

        That’s why I said she needs everything in writing immediately. She needs this to be a done deal before it is too late to have an abortion. When she crosses that line he knows he is in control and can dictate what she gets. She has room to bargain before that point if he really does want her to have the baby. If he doesn’t care he won’t deal.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ November 19, 2012, 4:28 pm

        Sugar nest. You get a thumbs up just for that.

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      jlyfsh November 19, 2012, 2:32 pm

      i think the other important thing to remember with these examples is that if court is necessary (which i’m sure it will be) things don’t always work very quickly. and his lawyer probably will try and make her out to look like a gold digger trying to ruin the perfect suburban family, etc. is she ready for that fight and what it comes with? and can she survive without his support for however many years it takes for action to be taken? and i think what j2 says is important too. because, when she starts to be a bigger pain than she is fun, he will probably take the car away and the house and tell her to pay her own hospital bills. does she have a plan for what she’s going to do then?

      and the wife is important here because how she gets treated by the sugar daddy is a great indication of what her life is going to be like in a few years. does she really want him to throw away relationships with his other children for her baby? because in 5 years she could be the ex with the 5 year old trying to get attention for her child.

      and i really hope for this child’s sake that she does change and is able to provide a good life for this him/her. but the teenager who is writing this letter does not seem capable of thinking about anything but herself. which makes me very wary of that actually happening. i have known single mothers who have made a great life for their kids and ones who haven’t. and the main difference between the two is selfishness, immaturity and eventually resenting the child for the changes that occurred in that person’s life.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 2:39 pm

        I agree, especially with seeing how he treats his current five-year-old and whether he is willing to ignore them for a sugar baby.

        If he is willing to abandon his own young child for a sugar baby then he’d be willing to abandon the not yet born baby for another sugar baby. Instead of being a red flag, the fact that he isn’t willing to abandon his current children is a good sign.

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    Lucy November 19, 2012, 2:35 pm

    1. Unless you’ve seen the original divorce decree, I don’t believe this guy is actually divorced. I kind of think you must know that on some level. Stop trying to break up someone else’s family.

    2. Even if he were divorced, it is not “sneaking” to spend time with his children. That’s called fatherhood.

    3. You don’t sound like someone who should be raising a child. You sound extremely immature and shallow. Please reconsider.

    4. If you decide to keep this baby, please see a lawyer immediately

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 3:58 pm

    LW please see if you have health insurance that would cover pregnancy and delivery. Even if you are on a parent’s policy it may not cover the costs of pregnancy. I saw that recently a child’s pregnancy wouldn’t be covered even if the parent keeps the child on their policy until the age of 26. If you are covered find out what the deductible is. Many policies have high deductibles and friends who have had babies in the last few years tell me that they paid $6000 for the delivery even with health insurance. That doesn’t even cover the cost of healthy baby visits to the doctor for your baby or vaccinations or sick baby care. Check into all of those. If you have health insurance you need to know if it will cover maternity and labor and delivery fees and the newborn nursery at the hospital. My sister’s health insurance wouldn’t cover the baby until it was a few days old. This meant that if their children had been born with serious medical conditions that needed immediate surgery/expensive procedures the health insurance wouldn’t be responsible for the bills. It also means they paid out of pocket for the newborn nursery. You must know your policy. If you don’t have insurance then you need to call a few local hospitals and find out what their average labor and delivery fees and newborn nursery fees will cost.

    Then price diapers and formula. Expect to run through at least one package of diapers per week. I don’t know how much formula you would need because I didn’t use it but you could Google to see how much formula a newborn needs, a six month old baby needs, etc. Calculate the cost of formula and diapers each week then calculate how much you would need for these two items each month. Add in the cost of visiting the doctor every two months for well baby checks. At about six months of age the baby will need baby food. Google how much food a baby needs and price that as well. Then you need clothes. Expect to go through at least five sizes of clothes in the first year so try to calculate how much five sets of clothes will cost. Some children go through several more sizes than this. My son grew fourteen inches his first year. During the winter months you will also need a coat or equivalent cover that goes over the car seat. Don’t forget socks and mittens and hats. You will also need a crib, crib mattress and crib sheets and mattress pads. You will need bottles and nipples and blankets and burp cloths.

    Figure out now how you’ll pay for all of these things if you have the baby. If you’re broke the grocery store won’t give you formula just because you’re standing there with a hungry baby. You have to know how you’ll feed this baby. Formula is so expensive that most grocery stores don’t keep it on the shelf anymore. They keep it behind a counter where you have to pay for it before they hand it to you so that you can’t steal it (I’m not saying that you would steal it, just that it is very expensive.)

    It is your responsibility to figure out how you will pay for everything.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 4:03 pm

      My month old daughter got a hospital bill for $12,000 for labor & delivery. Good call on not assuming your insurance will cover your child’s.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom November 19, 2012, 6:05 pm

        All I can say is YIKES. I can’t imagine getting a $12000 bill. We were very fortunate to have comprehensive health insurance at the time that both of our children were born but we are on an 80/20 plan now and I know it would be much more expensive now.

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    lets_be_honest November 19, 2012, 4:55 pm

    Hope we get an update on this one.
    Also, just reread and it sounds like this is more than a Sugar Daddy/pay for sex relationship. Curious about the ex-wife harassing too-is she saying they are still married?

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  • avatar

    Violet November 19, 2012, 6:25 pm

    I understand that some of the commentariat are not pleased that a few told this LW not to keep her baby. And I think both sides of that argument are valid, but what made up my mind for me were these lines from the letter: “Do you think his ex is using the 5-year-old daughter to keep him or what? I just don’t get it. My mom said to act like I don’t care and he’ll come back to me. ” Also, that he “sneaks” off to be with his kids. I don’t know, those words do not scream emotional maturity to me.

    Sure, some 20-year-olds are mature and can bust ass to take care of a child. But someone who really would say these things does not strike me as someone who has their priorities straight, and just being in college is alone not necessarily a sign that the LW will be able to successfully support a child both financially and emotionally.

    LW, you do realize that if you have this man’s baby, his children are still his children, and they will always need him? He will never be yours and yours alone. In situations like this, even if he did leave his situation, he and his ex-wife need to be good co-parents, and you would need to accept that they will always be in his life.

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  • TheLadyE

    Elisse November 19, 2012, 7:16 pm

    Is this serious? Really?

    …no, honestly now. Really?

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  • avatar

    E November 19, 2012, 10:01 pm

    Blah. There seems to be a lot of shaming of this woman for participating in an age old arrangement. I would never do something like that, but the world isn’t black and white. Maybe this young woman grew up in an extremely unstable household, maybe she really fancies herself in love, maybe she just loves the sex, and she’s clearly incredibly naive to believe this guy isn’t married. Hell, some professional working girls just really love sex (yes, I’m aware that there are millions of trafficked women and professional working girls who are extremely troubled, but that doesn’t encompass every single prostitute). At the end of the day, it’s a mutually beneficial arrangement and the LW clearly doesn’t believe that anyone else is getting hurt by their actions (i.e. she thinks he is divorced).

    That said, LW needs to wake the hell up and grow up. She can’t be a kid anymore and needs to start thinking like an adult. She needs to seriously consider if she wants to raise this baby, considering the father will most likely only be a distance figure in its life. IF she does decide to keep the baby, she needs to find a lawyer…One might even cut their rate for her, if the sugar daddy is that rich. Is the car in her name? If not, LW needs to try and see if she can get the car in her name (only if it’s paid off, of course). Has the sugar daddy given her some jewelery? LW should go down and get it appraised…I probably sound overly pragmatic, but LW needs to consider every possible option to make sure she can support this baby and continue to go to school. Frankly, if she decides to keep the baby and wants to stay in college I don’t think there is anything wrong with her trying to take advantage of the sugar daddy. After all, the sugar daddy took advantage of her first by saying he was not married. It’s not like she would be trying to get the money for superficial reasons. You play with fire, you might get burned.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark November 19, 2012, 11:32 pm

    A B O R T I O N.

    Seriously, I know you won’t even consider adoption. Look, you’re only 20 and you’ve already proved to be a vapid fool who is about as biologically ready to parent somebody as I am to give birth. This will be a disaster on EVERY level. Grow up. Oh, and fucking learn a thing or two about where the fuck babies come from. It’s really not THAT complicated… Its just so many of you are simply far too dim, I guess, to figure it out. I’m so scathing here, because there is CURIOUSLY no mention of… “Wow, we just don’t know how this happened… We were so careful.” So, um, yeah. It’s painfully obvious this is no great mystery as to how it happened. NEWSFLASH: of somebody is PAYING you for sex — use some of that money for birth control… I dunno. It just seems so fucking obvious to be — but much of the world is so fucking dumb about these things…

    It makes my blood fucking boil.

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      Ammie November 27, 2012, 9:34 pm

      I think adoption is probably your best option here, since you want to have the baby but don’t want to be a single mother. You’re definitely going to be a single mother if you keep him or her with you, so I think it’d be best to give the child to someone who will love and take care of her or him the way s/he deserves.

      That said, I have two friends who got pregnant in high school and they both grew up very fast, becoming really excellent mothers and happy in their lives. It’s possible for people younger than you, so you might be able to do it. Who knows, anecdata isn’t worth much. Regardless, definitely heed the great comments above about thinking through the financial and legal issues involved so that you’re prepared early for what’s coming. If you’re going to have this baby, it’s not just about you anymore. You have someone you’re going to need to protect and provide for, and even if your former sugar daddy is fighting you on it every inch of the way, you need to grow a spine, grow a brain, woman up, and do what needs to be done.

      Good luck, LW. Be strong, be brave, and be smart. You may not have made good decisions up til now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn and do better going forward.

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    • avatar

      Ammie November 27, 2012, 9:35 pm

      Whoops, sorry – didn’t mean that to be a response! I’m still new around here.

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