Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickie: “My Wife Doesn’t Want Me to Wear Lingerie”

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I’m a guy who loves wearing panties and lingerie, but my wife is very against this. My question is: How I should talk to her about it? She thinks our daughter is going to find out later in life. I can’t and won’t stop wearing them, and I need to find a solution with my wife. Any advice?? — Cross-Dresser

You need to begin with compassion. Tell your wife that you understand this may be a shock and initially take some time to process, but your wearing women’s underwear doesn’t change who you are, it doesn’t change your sexuality, and it doesn’t change the way you feel about your wife. Explain to her how wearing women’s underwear makes you feel and why you enjoy it. Is this something you would like to incorporate in your sex life with your wife if she were ever open to it? Let her know that (but be understanding if she’s not open to it yet or if it takes her some time to get there). And tell her that there’s a smaller chance of your daughter discovering what kind of underwear you wear than there is of her discovering what kind of underwear anyone else wears. If she sees it in the laundry, she’ll assume it belongs to your wife. And, so what if she does find out one day that you like wearing women’s underwear? Kids discover much worse about their parents all the time and turn out fine. As long as you love your daughter and care for her and give her the time and attention she needs and deserves, what you wear under your clothes really has no bearing on her or your relationship with her at all.

Finally, you can remind your wife that it’s because you trust her so much that you’ve been open with her about this particular interest of yours and that lots of men who cross-dress keep their wives in the dark, leading them to think their behavior is indicative of cheating. You can share these columns below with her to help give some perspective and let her know she’s not alone and that you can go on to have a wonderful relationship together even as you wear lace panties:

“My Husband Wears My Lingerie”

“I Found (Size Medium) Lace Panties in My Fancy Underwear Drawer!”

“I Found Thong Panties in My Husband’s Laundry”

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Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

27 comments… add one
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom March 11, 2015, 8:55 am

    I think this should have been addressed before marriage. If the LW was wearing lingerie before they were married but hid it then he felt it was an issue that would prevent the relationship. If he cross-dressed then and she didn’t mind she shouldn’t be bringing it up now. If this is new for him then he does need to address it now but the wife may never like it. She may be turned off by a man in lingerie and that may just be the way it is. There is no guarantee that your partner will like everything that you like or be comfortable trying everything that you want to try.
    .
    I think most parents keep their lingerie where their kids won’t see it. I know my kids don’t want to be looking at anything related to parental sex. I keep dirty lingerie in a separate drawer and wash it when the kids won’t be around for a few hours so it can wash, dry and be put away without them seeing it. So if the wife’s main concern is that the daughter would find it up setting then that is easy enough to keep private so the daughter doesn’t know. I think the wife is using the daughter as an excuse to bring up her own discomfort. They need to reach a point of honesty before they can address this.

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      tbrucemom March 11, 2015, 9:25 am

      Agree. If this was hidden from the wife she has every right to be upset. If it wasn’t and NOW she’s upset maybe because of having a child, she needs to realize that shouldn’t make a difference. I’m pretty open when it comes to sex but this would really be turnoff for me. Sex is an important part of marriage and it isn’t fair to keep something like this a secret. It also isn’t fair to change your mind after the fact.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 11, 2015, 9:53 am

        The thought of a man in lingerie doesn’t turn me off but it also doesn’t turn me on either. For me it would add absolutely nothing to the experience. I certainly wouldn’t ask for it because it would do nothing for me. If my husband wanted to try it I probably would.

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  • Portia

    Portia March 11, 2015, 9:37 am

    Alternate solutions: the LW should do his own laundry, or keep the lacy underwear in a mesh bag in the wife’s underwear drawer.
    .
    Or the wife should stop hiding behind her daughter as an excuse for her own discomfort.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom March 11, 2015, 10:00 am

      It appears the wife said she didn’t like it and he kept pressing and so she feels the need to come up with more reasons and maybe he will find one of them valid. He said his wife is very against it so he is pushing something he knows she doesn’t want. He is pushing it enough to write a letter to Wendy. Maybe he should accept that no means no and that his wife has the right to say no when she doesn’t like something. If this was really important to him he should have married someone else. He chose to marry his wife and she doesn’t like it so it should be off the table if she feels as strongly about it as he says she does.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 11, 2015, 10:10 am

        I assumed he meant during sex but after rereading his post I think he means wearing them all the time. I wouldn’t marry a man who wanted to wear lingerie around all the time or even part of the time in public. What you wear under your clothes does get seen every so often and I wouldn’t want to deal with the comments coming from other people. I just wouldn’t. I think he probably hid this before marriage because his wife probably wouldn’t have married him if he did if she feels as strongly about it as he says she does. If he did hide it until now I think he is being terribly unfair to his wife. His lack of honesty will probably destroy the marriage.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 11, 2015, 10:22 am

        What? Is he mooning people in public? Is he a plumber? I think the guy would need a belt before he’d need to change underwear for the tiniest possibility that someone might see his whale tail.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 11, 2015, 10:32 am

        Men’s underwear often sticks up above the waistband of their jeans. It just does and you know if they wear boxers or briefs from what you see. If he wears bikinis and so they don’t stick up then it’s private. If he has lace sticking out above his waistband then no I wouldn’t want to deal with it. Also, if he is wearing stockings, like fishnet then when he sits they will show below the bottom of his pants leg just like a sock does. I personally wouldn’t want to deal with that.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 11, 2015, 10:44 am

        OK, so maybe we’re picturing two different physical realizations of this (fishnets? really?).
        .
        But again, even you’ve thought of other solutions if the problem is “other people may see it” – lower-riding underwear. I think him and his wife should sit down and really get to the bottom (teehee) of why she doesn’t like his wearing women’s underwear.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 11, 2015, 11:03 am

        I think fishnets because my husband loves them. Black, thigh high fishnets on me really turns him on. The same thing on him would absolutely not turn me on. If he liked to wear them out of the house I would really not like it. They really do need to talk about it and be able to get their real issues on the table. If they each communicate like he did in this letter, brief, without much explanation they probably don’t get anywhere. They need an in depth discussion. Something much deeper than him saying I can’t and won’t stop wearing them and her saying she doesn’t like it and the daughter will find out at some point when she is older.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 11, 2015, 10:19 am

        Hm, I didn’t see the conversation they had in that way
        (short letter, easy to add our own interpretations).
        .
        But I respectfully disagree that the wife gets to tell the husband what he can and can’t wear under his clothes. If I wore granny panties on a regular basis because they were comfortable and my SO demanded I wear something slinkier and lacier, even if he didn’t see them most of the time, would that be acceptable to you? If she finds them to be a turn-off, maybe they could compromise in him wearing something else when they’re about to get intimate.

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        RedroverRedrover March 11, 2015, 10:25 am

        I think Skyblossom’s point is not that the wife gets to say what underwear the husband wears, but that the wife should have gotten the choice of whether or not she will marry a man who wears women’s lingerie. She did not have that choice, and it’s understandable that she’s upset now. She’s clearly someone who would have had a major concern about this if she had known pre-marriage. Now she’s stuck.
        .
        I don’t know what the compromise could be. I guess that he just continues to hide it from her and she pretends it doesn’t exist. He was already unfair to her by not disclosing this in the first place, and now he seems to be pushing pretty hard to make her accept it.

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      • Portia

        Portia March 11, 2015, 10:35 am

        I think we’re all reading a lot into a very short letter. And maybe there is space to compromise, but compromise is definitely not “you never wear them again and we’ll pretend it all never happened.”

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 11, 2015, 10:56 am

        Yes! She should have had the choice of whether or not to marry a man who wears women’s lingerie. She shouldn’t have had the choice of whether he wears it but her choice is if she wants to live with it. If it is only in the context of sex then she should be able to say no if she finds it a turnoff because it is very hard to have good sex if your partner is doing something that is a big turnoff to you.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 11, 2015, 11:21 am

        If she did know about it before they were married and married him anyway then she has no reason to complain now. If she accepted him as he was and now wants him to change then she needs to realize he is who he is and she married him that way. Some women do get married with the idea that the man will change when they get married or when they have children. I think our answer to him really depends on when she knew.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo March 11, 2015, 9:58 am

    This confession should have been saved for a deleted thread, but here goes: I like to wear men’s underwear, and I’ve never told my wife. I mean, she knows I wear it, but she doesn’t know I LIKE it. Oh, sure, I can resist the urge to a point. In summer, i’ll go commando for a few days. But then i’ll get that “feeling” again. I have a special drawer where I keep all my gear (the bottom one). I’ll pick a special pair, not too holey, certainly not holeyer-than-thou. Ever so slowly, I’ll… I’ll… PUT THEM ON! It’s wild! I’ve got some on right now, and nobody even knows!

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    • Portia

      Portia March 11, 2015, 11:29 am

      Treat yourself!

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      MsMisery March 11, 2015, 11:49 am

      You. Sick. Bastid. GET OFF OUR THREAD.

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  • avatar

    Steph_ March 11, 2015, 10:03 am

    What if he didn’t tell the wife and she just found out about it on accident? It doesn’t say in his very short letter that he told her or how his wife found out. If he’s hidden this from her for however long, I can understand her being frustrated. However, if they did talk about this, it should have been discussed on how they would approach this once they had kids.
    .
    I agree with skyblossom on washing dad’s lingerie when the kids are gone for a while so no one knows, but I’m assuming he doesn’t walk around the house in boxers on a normal basis. I don’t ever remember seeing my dad walk around with no shorts on and just his underwear of choice so I’m not really sure how the kid would find out.
    .
    Wife either needs to not let something she always knew about bother her know that there is a child. Or shame on the husband for never telling her.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh March 11, 2015, 10:22 am

    I think Wendy’s advice is great and I hope you’re able to work things out with your wife. There is a chance that she won’t come around and then you will have to decide at that point which is more important. And perhaps there are other ways you can figure out together, with your wife, to enjoy this. I do think the daughter thing, if it’s the main/only issue, she’s bringing up is something easy to hide behind. But, like Wendy said kids find way worse things out about their parents. I think to how you approach this will depend on how long your wife has known and what was previously discussed. From both sides it has to be extremely frustrating if it was only recently found out, to have to hide what makes you happy out of fear of other’s reactions and also being blindsided by something you didn’t know about someone you love. Good luck!

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    • avatar

      Anonymous March 11, 2015, 12:03 pm

      Agreed, maybe I read too much Dan Savage but this seems like no big deal. I wish the LW had given us some more information because there is an important distinction between springing this on his wife before or after marriage and a child. If it was after, bad on him for not disclosing something important about himself. However this really is something she should accept. Maybe he can wear panties under boxers or somesuch if she doesn’t find it attractive?

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      • Portia

        Portia March 11, 2015, 2:04 pm

        Panties under boxers seems like a good compromise. And maybe it’s just because I recently had the uncomfortable experience of trying on running shorts with their own underwear (didn’t realize that was a thing), maybe sew some women’s underwear into boxer shorts? They look like men’s underwear from the outside but have the feel of women’s underwear! Win-win!

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite March 11, 2015, 10:28 am

    Haha, this stock photo is killing me at work, scrolling quickly lol.

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      MsMisery March 11, 2015, 11:49 am

      I know, I had to do the same. It is the lulz, tho.

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  • mylaray

    mylaray March 11, 2015, 12:39 pm

    Well I can see why your wife would be upset about this, especially if it’s something you hid for awhile, but her reaction doesn’t bode well for the future. This is such a basic and common kink, but a lot of people aren’t accepting, so no wonder you hid it from her. Maybe she’s just scared and needs more time to process. Or maybe she’ll never come around. But a compromise of some sort needs to happen.

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet March 11, 2015, 12:54 pm

    I guess I just don’t understand what the big deal is. Women’s clothing trends are always getting masculinized and no one bats an eye. I can lounge in my husband’s boxers and society thinks that’s cute. Hell, Cameron Diaz iconically danced around in tightie-whities on Charlie’s Angels. Of course, I honestly don’t know the psychology behind men wearing women’s lingerie, so maybe it’s more complicated than it seems. I just don’t understand why it’s okay for women to do it, but potentially *marriage ending* if a guy does it.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 11, 2015, 1:47 pm

    Since your wife is such a big proponant of gender norms and confirmity — kindly point out that she, too must also now NEVER wear pants or even shorts again. Nothing but skirts and dresses. Oh, and her fucking hair better be long, too — or else your daughter will rightfully assume her mother hails from the isle of lesbos…

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