Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Wife Exposes Her Breasts to Other Men and I Cannot Stand It Anymore!”

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My fiancée is 5 feet tall, 115 lbs., Asian — a very classy lady who dresses very classy. But we have one problem that has caused arguing: Although she is almost flat-chested, she wears padded bras and it does not take much before nipples are exposed. I know she is not the exhibitionist type, and she says nothing shows and she has nothing to see anyway (though she is a gorgeous woman). Well, this weekend we had a blow-out. We were talking to a couple people at the campground when one guy made a comment about her toenail polish which caused her to lean forward, and there it was — complete exposure! He did it on purpose. We left and it turned nasty. I have brought this up several times and she just gets irritable. I can’t live knowing her tits are going to be exposed, and I cannot stand men taking advantage of her; that is a private area! I’m trying to find a way to deal with this. I’ll take suggestions on bras, too. Can you help? Thanks in advance. — She’s Too Exposed

I don’t like the way you talk to your fiancée. She’s not your property. Her body doesn’t belong to you. Maybe she likes being exposed. Or, maybe she truly doesn’t realize that she’s revealing as much as she is, but I hardly think your arguing with her and getting “nasty” (your word!) enlightens her in a way that doesn’t immediately put her on the defense. I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt and say your concern is all about her, but I don’t believe that’s true. I believe you think she belongs to you and is giving everyone else a peek at what is YOURS and not THEIRS. But, ok, for a second I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt for argument’s sake. I’ll pretend you just really want your fiancée to be aware that, when she wears a low-cut top and bends over, certain bras that she wears expose her nipples. Here’s how you make her aware:

You: “Honey, you might not be aware of this, but sometimes the bras you wear expose your nipples when you bend and turn in a certain way.”

Then, she can either tell you that she wasn’t aware of that or that maybe she was. Either way, your job is done. You have informed her of what you weren’t sure she was aware of. Now it’s up to her to decide whether or not to give a shit. And it sounds to me that that’s where you are now and that she has already decided not to give a shit. At this point, you can decide whether to accept that and stay with her anyway or accept that and move on because you “can’t live knowing her tits are going to be exposed.” It is not up to you to convince her to wear a different bra or ensure her nipples are never, ever revealed to anyone but you ever. Because she’s a grown woman and can wear what she wants, and can not give a shit about whatever she doesn’t give a shit about, including her areola peeking out from a bra and her fiancé having heart palpitations over the idea of anyone knowing that, indeed, she has nipples.

Spoiler alert: Most women — and men, too! — have nipples. Ironically, only one sex’s nipples can be used to feed babies and it’s that sex that is expected to keep the nipples covered at all times while the other sex walks around, nipples exposed, no questions asked, no eyebrows raised. Riddle me that, LW. What would you say to your fianceé if she told you she doesn’t want you to ever expose your nipples to anyone but her? What if she suggested that your revealing your nipples was not you exercising your freedom to do so, but actually women taking advantage of you? You’d think she was off her rocker, wouldn’t you? And why? Because men’s nipples don’t sexually titillate straight men the way women’s nipples do, right? It’s all about the reaction of straight men and catering to the reaction you either want or want to avoid. Well, fuck that.

You know who is really taking advantage of your fiancée? You are. You’re trying to take away her agency — to take away the power she employs in dressing herself for herself and making it about you and your comfort level. You are trying to employ your status and point of privilege as a man — as a straight man — to make a woman dress in a way that comforts you and makes you feel secure.

Your fiancée doesn’t need bra suggestions. What she needs is for you to quit bugging her.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

56 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Juliecatharine July 8, 2016, 8:53 am

    This guy sounds nuts. As an aside, why does her height/weight/ethnicity factor in here at all?

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    • avatar

      Ale July 8, 2016, 9:01 am

      I thought the same, WTH does that have to do with anything.

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    • avatar

      T July 8, 2016, 10:10 am

      Because it’s very important to this classy specimen to make sure everyone knows he snagged a 5 ft, 115 lbs Asian girl. Just plays more into the idea that he sees her body as property that he has won/bought. Gross.

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      • avatar

        Another Jen July 8, 2016, 1:08 pm

        My thought exactly. Gross. Run, tiny, classy woman, run!

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    • avatar

      jilliebean July 8, 2016, 11:18 am

      I agree, sounds like he’s very proud of himself for snagging her. And now he thinks he owns her. “I can’t live knowing her tits are going to be exposed” put me over the edge…HE CAN’T LIVE….sheesh….gross!

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  • avatar

    TheOtherOtherMe July 8, 2016, 8:56 am

    I am confused by this statement: “she wears padded bras and it does not take much before nipples are exposed.” Unless her bras don’t fit right, there is no reason that her boobs should pop out of her bra, flat chested, padded or otherwise. Am I missing something?

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    • GertietheDino

      GertiethDino July 8, 2016, 9:05 am

      I had the same question.

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      • juliecatharine

        Juliecatharine July 8, 2016, 9:11 am

        I wondered the same thing and the only thing I can figure is that the padded bras gape when she moves a certain way.

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    • avatar

      Clementine July 8, 2016, 9:12 am

      It actually is a problem. I’m very small-chested, which, ironically, makes it easier to accidentally flash someone despite every effort at finding bras that fit well. When I care, I use double-sided tape, but mostly I don’t. It is what it is.

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    • avatar

      ktfran July 8, 2016, 9:21 am

      I can actually answer that because I’m flat chested….

      I have little flesh on the upper part of by breasts, i.e., above the nipple. When I wear even a little bit of a padded bra, there is almost always a gape between the top part of my breasts and the bra. So, when bent over, it gapes even more… thus you could accidentally expose a nipple in a low cut top. I’ve looked down before and thought “Oh shit, you could see my nipple)

      This is when I bought bras from V.S., Soma and Gap, all of which had very generic sizing.

      Recently, I went to Nordstrom, was fitted, they had a larger selection of sizing, and I FINALLY OWN A BRA THAT DOESN’T GAPE! It actually fits and cups my breast appropriately. This is a game changer for me. You have no idea how excited I was.

      Anyway, that’s how a small breasted woman could accidentally expose nipple.

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    • Monkeysmommy

      Monkeysmommy July 8, 2016, 4:04 pm

      I, too, am confused. I have 36DDs (not by choice) that do not pop out of my bra, so how do her “perfect, classy, tiny ” ones do this…?

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      • avatar

        ktfran July 8, 2016, 4:16 pm

        Because small boobs don’t fill most standard, padded (even slightly padded) bras and so there is gaping between top of bra and flesh. She’s not falling out of her bra. When she bends over or sits a certain way, the gaping becomes more apparent and one could accidentally show part of the areola or nipple accidentally when wearing even a simple v-neck.

        It took me 18 years of searching to finally find a strapless bra I can wear and not have the gaping problem. Seriously.

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      • Monkeysmommy

        Monkeysmommy July 8, 2016, 6:07 pm

        Ahhh, mystery solved!!! I always felt bad for myself, having to lug these things around, now I know it is hard on all sides of the boob coin!

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      • avatar

        ktfran July 11, 2016, 8:30 am

        Often times small boobs have their advantages. Finding bras that fit appropriately isn’t one of them. And large chested women have a whole different set of issues. Ugh. Women problems.

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  • avatar

    Ale July 8, 2016, 9:05 am

    I can only hope she is no longer your fiancee after seeing this display of ridiculousness.
    Hopefully she found out that if she marries you, she will be in your control for her whole life.
    Bra suggestions…. give me a break.

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  • avatar

    Clementine July 8, 2016, 9:11 am

    Why are you directing your anger towards your fiancee when it was some other douchey guy who manipulated her into that position? Why is that her fault? Where is your indignation that this jerkwad objectified your fiancee?

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph July 8, 2016, 9:35 am

      Ehhh. I hesitate to encourage him to pick fights over his fiance being “manipulated.” The scariest memory from my controlling ex is not when he punched the wall a foot from my face but when he picked a fight with a guy in a bar over his perception that the guy was hitting on me. I don’t think this guy needs to defend her honor or mark his territory with this other dude either. Unless she is in actual physical danger or requests his intervention, he should let her take care of herself.

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      • avatar

        Clementine July 8, 2016, 1:17 pm

        You make a good point. My thought was not so much, “go pick a fight with the other guy and then pee on your girl,” as it was, “your frustration is pointed in the wrong direction.”

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 8, 2016, 10:38 am

      I have a feeling the perceived slight is all in his head, and he is just the jealous type.

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  • kare

    kare July 8, 2016, 9:26 am

    Including that she’s Asian makes me wonder if he’s one of those guys that fetishizes Asian women and expects a docile, subservient woman. If so, eww. If not, then he needs to stop talking about his fiance like he owns her.

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    • the_optimist

      the_optimist July 8, 2016, 10:25 am

      Yep, I thought the same exact thing.

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    • Just Max

      Just Max July 8, 2016, 12:29 pm

      Plenty of those in my (temporary) neck of the woods, or beaches, as it may. :-p
      HI, it seems, is the perfect destination for those guys.

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    • avatar

      Jenn March 13, 2017, 12:37 pm

      I thought the same thing. What do her height, weight, and RACE have to do with this? Weird, very weird.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo July 8, 2016, 9:28 am

    Sweet effing Jesus! The world is going to bits as we speak! Cops are murdering non-whites out of sheer paranoia and racism. People are murdering random cops in retaliation. The US is trying to decide between an idiot neo-con racist homophobic demagogue, and the saddest most tired corrupt possible first woman in the White House. And you are worried about a bit of visible tit? Seriously? She’s with YOU, isn’t she? Faithful to YOU? She’s not your damn property, and you should be asking us how not to lose her after your ridiculous blowup, not how to control her. LW’s fiancee, if you get wind of this post: leave this douchecanoe, save yourself a lifetime of petty control issues, and dress any damn way you want. I got no sympathy for this gradeschool nonsense, not today.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark July 9, 2016, 12:14 am

      Seriously…. I can’t even…

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray July 11, 2016, 9:52 am

      Amen, Diablo!

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  • avatar

    PumpkinSpice July 8, 2016, 9:30 am

    Wow. I thought this letter was going to be about his fiance getting way too drunk and purposefully flashing every guy she sees. Guy, you need to back off her. You sound like a jealous control freak! She isn’t doing this on purpose. It happens. I am not flat chested, and it happens. My husband will NICELY say “babe, pull up your shirt” or something. And what the hell gives you the right to freak out on her for something someone else tricked her into doing? You have control issues and should seek therapy stat.

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    • avatar

      ktfran July 8, 2016, 9:33 am

      I thought it was going to be about this too, someone continually getting drunk and flashing breasts. That’s a problem. This is not. This is so much a nonissue I can’t even comment on it.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros July 8, 2016, 9:31 am

    This letter sort of reads fake to me. I know it sort of depends on what someone is wearing, but I’m trying to imagine why someone would need to bend so far over to where their chest under their shirt was totally exposed. That’s not leaning, that’s like touching your toes.

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    • avatar

      zombeyonce July 8, 2016, 10:53 am

      If the shirt isn’t skin tight and really high cut, it wouldn’t take much leaning forward for a gap to show down the shirt to someone taller (which most men will be compared to the fiancee) when they’re standing in front of you. Look down at your chest right now and imagine you’re in a loose top; you can probably see either cleavage or your bra (if you’ve got breasts). That’s the view people taller than you have.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros July 8, 2016, 1:36 pm

        Yeah, that makes sense. But I don’t think one person being able to see down someone’s shirt if they are standing close by is the same as what he described as “complete exposure.” I’m not insisting that it’s fake, he might just be really hyperbolic.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 July 8, 2016, 9:40 am

    Man this poor women, you need to tell her to write in for some advice on what to do with you, because it seems she is just around for you to yell at like she is some sort of child.

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  • avatar

    Moe P July 8, 2016, 10:10 am

    I am a short woman with a thin body. I wear pretty typical bras I think, usually not padded, but most bras I have seen that ARE padded have EXTRA covering, not less and can’t imagine any of them actually exposing a large part of boob, let alone nipple. A strange part of this is that the wife’s response is missing. Does she laugh and say she doesn’t care? Does she feel very self conscious about exposing her boobs? The man sounds like a jerk either way and perhaps has no idea about boobs and bras at all.

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    • avatar

      zombeyonce July 8, 2016, 10:55 am

      My experience is that padded bras have a harder, more defined cup than non-padded (soft cup) bras. If you bend in them, they can gape and bend in a way that exposes your breasts since it doesn’t mold to them and move with you.

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    • avatar

      Gwyn July 9, 2016, 3:07 pm

      Moe it’s because the breast is so petite that the nipple is not deep into the bra. I’m sure a better bra is possible but could be expensive /custom-ish

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  • avatar

    Essie July 8, 2016, 10:21 am

    You’ll take suggestions on bras? You’re going to tell her what fucking underwear to buy? You do understand that that will be the last time you see her, right?

    What kind of bra she buys, and whether or not it shows a little boob when she leans forward, is her business. Not yours. Deal with it, or break up with her. End of story.

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  • avatar

    saneinca July 8, 2016, 10:44 am

    This letter sounds fake to me. But assuming it is real, LW you sound like a controlling abuser to me. Even if you did not like the way she dresses, you could talk to her instead of being nasty. If you think she is an exhibitionist, you think you have a right to control her ?

    Please leave your fiancé for the sake of her welfare and work on your psychological issues.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy July 8, 2016, 12:11 pm

      It’s not fake. I was able to verify the LW by doing a search for his email address on FB. There are pictures of him with a small Asian woman.

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      • avatar

        saneinca July 8, 2016, 1:33 pm

        Ok Wendy. Sorry I thought it was fake. It was my feeling that even if someone is that much a idiot, he would at least have the sense to know that he is being an idiot and would not publicize his jealous behavior.

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  • avatar

    sandy July 8, 2016, 10:48 am

    What happened to the Friday links?

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy July 8, 2016, 12:03 pm

      They were published earlier by mistake. They usually go up at 1 PM EST.

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  • avatar

    abrabz July 8, 2016, 11:18 am

    Lurker here, created an account just to say WWS! *claps*

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  • avatar

    wobster109 July 8, 2016, 11:38 am

    Bravo!

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  • avatar

    Jul85 July 8, 2016, 12:00 pm

    I wish she had been the one writing in so we could help her see that his treatment of her is objectifying, demeaning, and, to me, a big red flag of what lies ahead in their marriage. He is scary. Shudder.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros July 8, 2016, 3:46 pm

      Exactly. I get such a creepy vibe to him. I wonder if he’s the type who sexualizes everything and spends a lot of time staring at other women, and so he assumes that everyone is looking at and sexualizing his wife.

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  • avatar

    Jane July 8, 2016, 12:21 pm

    I don’t get all the replies crying fake… am I missing something? I was in a relationship like this, so it seems completely realistic to me.
    .
    One of my exes would discuss with me, at length, the exact angles at which someone could be standing near me and possible see more of my tiny boobs than he wanted. He also didn’t want me to wear tight dresses, short skirts, or string bikinis because “it might let other guys see things that only your boyfriend should enjoy.” (GROSS and not in any way meant to be helpful). Tiny boob issues with shirts/bras/dresses can be an ubiquitous problem.
    .
    Anyway, my advice to the LW is to stop being a controlling asshat, or else she’s going to leave.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros July 8, 2016, 1:39 pm

      I don’t think people think it’s not possible for anyone EVER to say this. But there are people who do get off on posting odd questions or comments on the internet because they want to see people discuss the sexual nature of it. (For example, in this case if he wanted to hear people talking about the type of bra they wear or whatever). Obviously, Wendy said it’s real, but it’s not like people have never written things like this that weren’t.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones July 8, 2016, 12:49 pm

    In Europe women walk around at beaches topless quite freely. It is only repressed American men that make such an issue over breasts. WWS. Interesting that in American film bared breasts warrant an R rating while brains being blown out and pornographic violence warrants only a PG13 rating. How fucked up is that??!?

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    • avatar

      jilliebean July 8, 2016, 1:01 pm

      Couldn’t agree more. Violence = ok for kids. Sex = hell no for kids. It’s terrible.

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    • avatar

      ktfran July 8, 2016, 1:05 pm

      Oh my god, you’ve described my childhood. Die Hard or Lethal Weapon = ok to watch. Dirty Dancing or Pretty Woman = not a chance.

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  • avatar

    Rava July 9, 2016, 6:22 am

    Holy shit Wendy, I can’t get over your reply. It is so damn good! Yaaaaay!

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray July 9, 2016, 10:17 am

    Loved Wendy’s response. Perfect.

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  • avatar

    Gwyneth July 9, 2016, 3:25 pm

    LW if you truly love her buy your fiancée and one of her best friends tickets and a 2 week vacation to Paris. On top of that give her $1000 for lingerie. Also if she needs the help, research some stores to check out for lingerie. If she truly loves you she’ll come back to you despite all the charming French and international men she’ll be around without you for 2 weeks. If you really think someone (another dad?! too weird. What kind of community so you live in?) is tricking your wife at the playground learn some skills to at least maturely point it out in some subtle way so you don’t get /feel walked over. As a straight woman I really like how slim and small breasted women look in low cut shirts, reminds me of an elegant ballerina and is aesthetically pleasing to me. So I don’t fault her for that. Also unless you happen to fit into bras at Victoria’s Secret , Macy’s , kohls, etc its can be time consuming not to mention very costly to get something perfect so I don’t fault her for that either. And if she is cool with people seeing her nipples haphazardly, I can’t relate but I certainly respect women who are comfortable with being topless, having nip slips, breastfeeding topless or whatever else. I’m very rape culture – phobic and would feel paranoid about exposing myself, outside of family , a change room, or a medical setting. I appreciate that the women who don’t have my fears who are probably slowly changing the status quo. Wendy’s response is fantastic.

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  • avatar

    Janelle March 13, 2017, 1:00 pm

    Oh if only my bf could control my boobs. I gave up on bras long ago, although do still wear them for professional reasons, family gatherings, ya know, when I should. I try to just wear a fitted tank top under tops because regardless of what I try they just drive me NUTS as I have a very large chest. Finding bras for a large chests when you are a tiny person overall is near impossible.

    Be happy you get to see her boobs because keep it up and she will be withholding them from you.

    Being a woman, I can’t lie, I even find it a bit fun to see a little something when a woman bends over and this happens. 😉 I guess just my curiosity….what does she have going on down there? hehe

    Boobs are a body part. People need to chill out about it.

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