While we were in the dating phase of our relationship, Sarah was very self-conscious about her weight. She assured me that she would lose the weight which she claimed she gained while taking medication to help conceive a child. Sarah showed me multiple photos of what she used to look like. Although I had no issue with the way she currently looked, she stated many times that, if I stuck with her through these tough post-medical times, I would have her the way she used to be in less than a year. So there were 5-6 photos she sent to me and I was blown away. I had already fallen in love with her personality and I got along with her better than anyone in my past.
Soon after those statements, my wife brought up her finances. She stated that she used to make over $200K a year and that, while she wanted to take care of me and my son, she couldn’t due to some legal issues which forced her to quit her high-paying job. However, she stated that she would be able to resume her old job in September of 2014.
Now back to her weight concerns: months went by and she hadn’t started losing weight. I never questioned her regarding it, but things weren’t going as she said they would. I began to resent her for making no effort on the promises she made. She continued to tell me she needed more time and that by particular months of the year she would look like this and like that. I just let her do her thing as the weight was not a concern to me as it was to her.
In January of this year we bought a house that was a little but out of our price range. She again referred to her old job that she would go back to in September and that the house was worth struggling for for a few months. I agreed, and we went forward with the home purchase.
In March of this year we decided we wanted to try to have a baby. Thinking it was going to take a while due to her past medical conditions, we wanted to get off the birth control sooner rather than later. Literally, after one week off the birth control, we conceived.
Soon after, I started thinking about all the stories my wife had shared with me and things just weren’t adding up. We had been arguing over the lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage. I thought there was something wrong with me and had my blood tested as I had no sex drive or desire to have sex with Sarah. She began to think it was because she hadn’t lost any weight. I assured her that that wasn’t the case, but honestly I wasn’t sure anymore. I was simply not attracted to her. One night, after several weeks of arguing over the same topic she stated that eventually she was going to look elsewhere for the intimacy and that this kind of behavior leads couples to divorce.
Again, all the things I wanted to confront her over came flooding to my head. So one night while at work I decided to check on some of the pics she sent me back in early 2013. I uploaded the images to a reverse photo website and it tracked down where the images originated from. To my disbelief, all the photos she stated were of her had, in fact, were of strangers and had been downloaded off the internet.
I decided to confront my wife with what I’d found. Her initial reaction was again to lie to me, but after several moments she admitted that she lied about the images and that they were not her. I asked her what else she had lied about and said that I wanted to see proof regarding her past medical concern and proof that she made $200K a year at her old job. Needless to say, she admitted to lying about both those topics as well.
So my problem now is that I do not know what to do as we are expecting a child in December of this year. I have a massive mortgage that we cannot afford. She created a fictitious person for some reason, and I do not think I can ever trust her again and do not look at her the same way I did in the past.
How do I/we recover from this? — Not What I Signed Up For
Get thee to a lawyer, my friend — and a good therapist, while you’re at it, and a great financial advisor, too. Obviously, you cannot continue this sham of a marriage and, the sooner you get out and move on, the better. Put your house on the market, file for divorce, and downsize to a much more affordable home.
As for the baby coming… have you accompanied Sarah to her obgyn? Have you seen proof that she is, in fact, really pregnant? And I’m not talking about a positive pee stick. I mean hearing the heartbeat in the doctors office, seeing an ultrasound, hearing a doctor tell you “congratulations.” If you haven’t gotten this kind of confirmation yet, I wouldn’t go sign up for birthing classes just yet. However, if you are 100% sure Sarah is pregnant and you both are 100% sure you are keeping the baby, then you need to start preparing yourself to be a father and co-parent. You can love your baby and take great care of him or her without being in a relationship with its mother. But you do want to speak to a lawyer about your entire story and make sure you are as protected as you can be — legally and financially. And you’ll need to work as hard as you can to keep a civil relationship with Sarah in order to give your child the best chance for a normal childhood. It sounds like the kid’s going to have a crazy mother, so it’s going to be your job to provide the stability he’ll need.
First thing first though: get confirmation about that pregnancy because I have a strong hunch it only exists in Sarah’s fantasyland where she’s 110 lbs. and makes 200K a year.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.