Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Younger Lover Knocked Up Another Woman”

I’ve been having an affair for 11 months now with a younger man. Our affair grew into something we both knew it shouldn’t be. We fell deeply in love with each other and lived through a lot of good and bad. For the past two months our relationship has been deteriorating because my lover wants more from me. He wants a real relationship and not to be number two anymore.

I have been married for over 20 years and have never been happy. This relationship has shown me what “love” can really be like and I decided to try a trial separation from my husband for one year. Prior to this decision though, I started chatting with other men online because I was upset that my lover was putting distance between us. Yes, I did this out of anger, but I never met anyone of these men. He did the same, but ended up having a weekend fling with a woman from another city (two days after I had officially broken up with him).

My lover and I have broken up about 10 times in the past two months, and this was another one of those similar “breakups.” So the Monday after the affair, he contacts me and wanted to see me. I agreed and, of course, when we are together, the whole world slips away and our love is so intense. it’s insane. We ended up spending most of the week together talking things through. He then told me about the affair. I freaked out and ended things. Again, we started talking things through seeing if maybe we could make things work.

My husband is moving out this weekend which would have made things easier for my lover and I to see if we could rebuild our relationship. Well, yesterday we found out that his fling is pregnant (yes, he had unprotected sex). He’s devastated because she won’t have an abortion. His life is shattered — he’s a wreck and I’m a wreck too. She also lives 7 hours away and in another country (we live in Canada)!

So my question is: do I stand by him now and help him through this or do I walk away and let him deal with his own shit? I don’t know what to do. He says he needs me and has no one to talk to. I love him and we were about to have our chance for a real relationship.

P.S. This other woman is in a 4-year relationship and has been trying to get pregnant for two years, had a miscarriage six months ago after invitro and came to Montreal knowing she was fertile. I wonder if he got played? She will tell her boyfriend that it’s his. Help! What do I do???!!! — Older and Wiser?

So, your 20-year marriage is/has crumbled and the man you were cheating on your husband with for the last 11 months got someone else pregnant — a woman who is in a long-term relationship with someone else — while having unprotected sex during one of the ten times you broke up in two months. And you want to know whether you should stand by his side? Honey, you aren’t Tammy Wynette. MOA.

I don’t have to know anything else about your situation, except that you broke up ten times in two months, to tell you to MOA. Never mind that you’re still married to someone else. Never mind that you’ve been trolling for other men online. Never mind that your lover had unprotected sex with one woman and then had sex with you, putting you at risk for STDs. Never mind that he got that woman pregnant. Never mind that you think he was “played,” which is a ridiculous argument anyway unless you’re suggesting he was forced to have unprotected sex with this woman. Never mind ALL OF THAT — and there’s a lot there to overlook — all you had to say was that you broke up ten times in two months. That is enough to clue anyone in: this relationship is DOA. So MOA.

Do not try to resuscitate. This relationship is ovah. The “insane” love you think you two have together isn’t love; its lust, pure and simple. If it were love, your “lover” would have more respect and care for you than to put you at risk the way he did.

Anyway, a younger lover who keeps you company during your trial separation while you figure out whether you want to divorce your husband or not shouldn’t come with so much DRAMA. You’ve got enough drama cleaning up the pieces of your crumbling marriage. Ten breakups in two months, several affairs, and baby mamas in another country don’t usually lead to emotional stability. And what in the world do you need another emotionally unstable relationship for when your 20-year marriage is falling apart.

One messed up relationship at a time, everyone!

Focus on yourself for a while. Think about what it is you really want. And leave your lover to, as you say, “deal with his own shit.” It sounds like you’ve got enough of your own to keep you busy for a bit.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

168 comments… add one
  • avatar

    bethany October 16, 2012, 9:10 am

    Holy cow. Please, PLEASE don’t procreate.

    And WWS.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl October 16, 2012, 9:10 am

    Wow – DRAMA!! If you serialized this, you could sell it to the soaps. LW – WWS a thousand times over. Also, is anyone else weirded out by the massive use of the term ‘lover’? I know it is correct in this context but every time I read it I heard Carrie Bradshaw’s voice say ‘lovahhhh’ when she described Petrovsky.

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    • katie

      katie October 16, 2012, 9:13 am

      i cant read the word lover used like this without giggling… lol. yea, its pretty terrible.

      also, anyone think of the SNL skit with will farrell and another girl… the “lovahs” in the hot tub? haha

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    • avatar

      Muffy October 16, 2012, 11:04 am

      I was thinking that it’s probably the direct translation from French

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    • avatar

      SuzyQ October 16, 2012, 11:42 am

      Totally. In my heaf every time she writes it I had Maya Rudolph in my head from SNL. Anyway, if she cant even call him her boyfriend he’s not that much to her.

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      • avatar

        SuzyQ October 16, 2012, 1:41 pm

        No, wait, it was Molly Shannon – “My llllover”

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    • avatar

      MMcG October 16, 2012, 4:24 pm

      Thank you!! I think that anyone who refers to their significant whatever as “my lover” repeatedly and/or in writing should be banned from relationships until they learn that life isn’t a romance novel or soap opera and they are ridiculous creatures.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary October 16, 2012, 9:13 am

    Do people really do stuff like this? Like really?

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  • avatar

    j2 October 16, 2012, 9:14 am

    Is this even real?

    If it is, there simply are not enough facepalms to do this justice.

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    • landygirl

      landygirl October 16, 2012, 10:45 am

      Thank y ou.

      Reply Link
  • katie

    katie October 16, 2012, 9:17 am

    oh geez, LW. is your life a soap opera? is it a teen drama?

    WWS. and, i would just like to say, that i completely agree with her that JUST the fact that you have broken up 10 times in two months is enough to MOA. i was going to point that out myself as i read the letter. mature, adult relationships dont operate like that. you are currently in a junior high/high school- ish relationship. let that sink in… and then youve added babies. yikes.

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    • JK

      JK October 16, 2012, 10:33 am

      Seriously, 10 breakups in 2 months is what, more than a breakup a week!!! How would that even work?
      By my calculations (based on the 20 year marriage), LW should be at least late 30s, probably 40. I would recommend saving her energy for other, more important things than all this drama. I was wxhausted just reding the letter!

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  • avatar

    ktfran October 16, 2012, 9:17 am

    I thought stories on Jerry Springer were make believe, and then I read this. I’m speechless.

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    • theattack

      the attack October 16, 2012, 1:02 pm

      My fiancé knows someone who was on Jerry springer. They were supposed to be in court but skipped out for such a “great opportunity.” Haha Honestly nothing shocks me anymore though

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      • LK7889

        LK7889 October 16, 2012, 3:42 pm

        I went to high school (and rode the bus) with a woman that showed up on Jerry Springer. She was 18, pregnant and came out throwing chairs. I really wish I was making this up.

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      • theattack

        theattack October 16, 2012, 3:49 pm

        Hahah, That’s awesome! I unfortunately can’t say what my Jerry Springer woman did because it would be very identifying. Everyone on the show is so absurd though it barely even matters

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      • avatar

        MMcG October 16, 2012, 4:28 pm

        Me too – twice actually. One episode was a paternity test episode with a guy I graduated with, and another was “Homecoming Queens and Drag Queens” and the homecoming queen a few years ahead of me was on it.

        That’s right DWers… you are now one internet degree of separation away from all the fun and excitement of crazy cray afternoon television!!

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      • avatar

        VintageJR October 16, 2012, 9:11 pm

        Okay, I have never commented on DW before, even though I have followed and read EVERY SINGLE THING that has gone on (posts and comments included) since she was over at The Frisky, but now I MUST COMMENT!

        My cousin was on Jerry Springer. Twice. The first time Jerry kicked her off stage because she was being “too wild” and “out of control”. The second time she ripped her shirt off and shoved her breasts into some poor mans in the audiences face.

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      • JK

        JK October 16, 2012, 9:33 pm

        Welcome, VIntage! I love when lurkers turn commenters. And your comment made me lol. 🙂

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      • avatar

        Mr. Cellophane October 17, 2012, 6:27 pm

        I rarely comment, but since I am from Cincinnati originally (Don’t trash the ‘Natti!), I would like to remind everyone that Jerry Springer was actually MAYOR of Cincinnati at one point. After he got caught paying a stripper/prostitute with a personal check across state lines, he was news anchor on the local NBC affiliate for 5 years. He then moved to Chicago to do a serious talk show back in the day when they were passing them out like Xanax (remember Majic Johnson….anyone?) The rest is television history!

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  • avatar

    Mel October 16, 2012, 9:18 am

    “So yeah, I’m also married btw but who cares, I was never happy with him so whatever.”

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  • avatar

    LW October 16, 2012, 9:25 am

    Why am I thinking this must be the plot of some soap opera on TV. I call fake on this letter.

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    • avatar

      *HmC* October 16, 2012, 9:31 am

      I really hope it’s fake. Otherwise, there are so many concerning things about this letter, I’m not even sure where to start.

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    • avatar

      Tax Geek October 16, 2012, 9:32 am

      I think someone forgot to change their name back.

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    • avatar

      Lindsay October 16, 2012, 10:11 am

      I don’t know how someone could just come up with this on their own. It’s too confusing. Maybe I’m just not creative enough.

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    • avatar

      Trixy Minx October 16, 2012, 12:51 pm

      I think you should really change your name because people might think you are the LW.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 16, 2012, 9:48 pm

        Yeah, LW probably isn’t the best moniker for around here…

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle October 16, 2012, 9:25 am

    Whoa, “insane” is right. LW, your logic is a bit deluded if you really think that you & this lover were “about to have our chance for a real relationship.” Real relationships don’t end ten times over before they even begin. They also don’t involve cheating within cheating (within cheating?) And I’m not one to judge the infidelity part, necessarily–it’s just that you need to be realistic about any relationships you form from a cesspool like the one you two have created. If you want to do something like turn your ~lover~ into your partner, it involves SERIOUS discussion, loyalty, & trust. You & this man don’t have ANY of that.

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    • katie

      katie October 16, 2012, 9:28 am

      its like inception-cheating- cheating within cheating… we need a name for this.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 16, 2012, 9:35 am

        “Inception-cheating” is a pretty good name for it, haha!

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      • avatar

        Hannanas October 17, 2012, 9:12 am

        Cheatception!

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    • MackenzieLee

      MackenzieLee October 16, 2012, 9:46 am

      i like how she called when he slept with another women when they were broken up an “affair”. To quote the best tv show in history “WE WERE ON A BREAK!”

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday October 16, 2012, 11:00 am

        Yeah. Also — and this may just be my viewpoint — if you’re cheating on your significant other, I think you waive all rights to be angry if either:
        (a) the person you’re cheating on cheats on you
        OR
        (b) the person you’re cheating with “cheats” on you.

        I mean, holy righteous indignation, Batman! You may not be happy about the guy sleeping with someone else, but freaking out is a little ridiculous.

        (Also, since we tend to call the guys in LW letters who cheat on their wives with LWs sleazebags and assholes, can we at least call a spade a spade here and acknowledge that the LW is a sleazebag in this scenario? Pretty please?)

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      • avatar

        lemongrass October 16, 2012, 11:34 am

        Why yes, we can.

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      • avatar

        Mel October 16, 2012, 3:09 pm

        I like the term CPOS.

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      • avatar

        kf October 16, 2012, 1:31 pm

        This isn’t Ross/Rachel, it’s Elaine/Puddy.

        “Okay, fine, we’re broken up again. Whatever.”

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  • avatar

    crazymary October 16, 2012, 9:35 am

    WWS.

    Wake up LW. You are a hot mess. Get yourself together before you decide you need another man in your life.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson October 16, 2012, 9:38 am

    Some people just love the drama. LW – you go for it with this man. He is your destiny. You two defeated all odds (marriages, other women, break ups) and weathered the storm – that just shows how strong your bond really is. I mean you said your love is “intense” – who are these other people that get to experience intense love? I say carry on. And make sure to update us.

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    • MackenzieLee

      MackenzieLee October 16, 2012, 9:42 am

      #teamlove

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    • avatar

      Eagle Eye October 16, 2012, 9:45 am

      Lol, exactly! My life and relationship is perfectly ordinary and stable, but man I do love a crazy story.

      I’m also just too tired to try for this much drama — mean honestly, where do people find the TIME to do all of these exciting things? I come home from a long day of work and just want to cook and hang out with my boyfriend and sleep.

      but other people need to be trainwrecks so I can watch…

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster October 16, 2012, 12:18 pm

      This letter is why we need the Validationator Tumblr. LOL.

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    • avatar

      MMcG October 16, 2012, 4:38 pm

      They are probably SOULMATES 😉
      Which totally makes it ok to be a narcissistic, terrible human being incapable of forming real trusting relationships — one at a time.

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  • MackenzieLee

    MackenzieLee October 16, 2012, 9:41 am

    at least she didn’t claim the condom broke……silver lining everyone

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle October 16, 2012, 9:43 am

      Word.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 16, 2012, 9:52 am

      Good point!!! Thank you, LW. Despite the hot mess that is your life – at least you didn’t lie – so you’ve beat out every other “accidental” pregnancy on this site. Bravo.

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    • avatar

      jpkrueger October 16, 2012, 11:17 am

      Or that the woman got pregnant from a turkey baster

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark October 16, 2012, 1:50 pm

      Ha ha hah ha hah! So true!

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    • LM

      LM October 16, 2012, 2:16 pm

      Honestly, regardless if she didn’t claim the condom broke, how does she know so much about this woman’s ovulation cycle and everything she’s been through with the long term romance and trying to get pregnant? Does the “lover” know this and tell her? I thought the NY woman was a one night stand…

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  • SixtyFour

    SixtyFour October 16, 2012, 9:51 am

    WWS! Wendy seems to have covered all of the advice, so here’s my two cents on some of the really crazy things in this letter:

    1) You don’t get to say that your lover had “an affair.” You two are not in a committed relationship. You were cheating on your husband with this man. And you were broken up from each other at the time. As Ross would say: You were on a break!

    2) If the woman your lover got pregnant plans on telling her boyfriend that the baby is his and raising the baby together as their child, then I don’t see how this is a problem for you or your lover anymore. He doesn’t want kids. And they live so far away. So where is the issue? Does he really want to be in this child’s life if the child were to be born? Because that child would be so much better off without him, you, and your drama anyway.

    3) Have you told your husband about all of this? If not, then please, for the love of all things good in this world, you have to tell him. I don’t understand how all this could be going on and all you and your husband got was a trial separation. Because if he knew all this craziness, that would not be a trial separation. It would be permanent.

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    • JK

      JK October 16, 2012, 9:59 am

      excellent points. Especially 3, since the husband should probably get tested for stds as well.

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    • avatar

      Guy Friday October 16, 2012, 11:03 am

      As for #2 . . . eh, I don’t know. I’m usually in the “don’t tell the cheated on significant other because it’s not your business to intervene”, but when we’re talking about potentially making a guy pay 18-21 years of child support and have huge legal obligations for a child that’s not even his . . . I mean, if the guy makes an informed decision to do it anyway, kudos to him. But they lock people up and put felonies on your record here if you go 4 consecutive months without paying support, so that’s a pretty serious risk for a guy whose kid it isn’t, you know?

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      • SixtyFour

        SixtyFour October 16, 2012, 12:16 pm

        Yeah, I totally see where you’re coming from. I guess I’m just hoping that since this woman and her boyrfriend had been trying to have a baby for two years, that she must be in a stable relationship and that the boyrfriend really wants a child too. And that the child will be able to grow up in a home where both the mother and father love the child (even if the father is not technically the bio-dad). I know that it would be really terrible for the dad and kid if they were to ever find out, but I’m going to keep on believing that they can go on to have a fairy tale ending. I gotta believe in somthing good because, lord knows, this LW sure ain’t living happily ever after.

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      • theattack

        theattack October 16, 2012, 1:33 pm

        Wow, what state are you in?! That’s some intense (and deserved) punishment. I don’t know what the law is here in TN, but I know we sure as hell don’t have anything like that. A very large percentage of parents never see the child support they’re owed, and the state doesn’t do much, if anything, about it.

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday October 16, 2012, 2:05 pm

        Well, I’ll say that not EVERY county here does that. The county I live in doesn’t do it unless it’s been a while of absolutely NO payment. The county my office is in, however, has been known to do that to someone if they didn’t make FULL payments for 4 consecutive months, which I think is BS (I mean, if you have to pay $200/month and you end up paying $150/month, should you be responsible for that balance? Absolutely. Is it worth a felony? Not a chance.) But the point is that it’s left to prosecutorial discretion, and I think putting the guy in a place where whether or not he gets a felony for not paying support for a kid that isn’t his is based on what the DA had for breakfast that morning . . . it makes me uneasy is all.

        I totally agree that being a “dad” has WAY more to do than whether you’re biologically related, but that’s the problem: if she lies for a couple of years and then he discovers it, in most states he’s out of luck and is still on the hook, which kind of sucks a bit for everyone involved.

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      • theattack

        theattack October 16, 2012, 4:46 pm

        Well I don’t disagree that it’s wrong to lie to a man about whether or not the baby is his. There was a TN Supreme Court heard a case this month about this sort of situation. In 1991 a woman told her boyfriend she was pregnant and it was definitely his, so they got married. In 2001 they got divorced, and he was paying child support to her. They did a paternity test and found out that the kid wasn’t actually his. The TN Supreme Court found that she had intentionally misrepresented the paternity to him, and he was awarded damages of over $25,000.

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  • avatar

    Daisy October 16, 2012, 9:52 am

    One word for Wendy… PREACH!!

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  • avatar

    Lindsay October 16, 2012, 9:52 am

    This is just awful. Leave your “lover” and go join a convent, please.

    Seriously, though, someone who you’ve broken up with 10 times, who is having a baby with a woman he “cheated” on your with (can you cheat on someone who is cheating on their husband?), and who is willing to have an affair with a married woman is not someone to “stand by.” Duh. Besides that, do you have any remorse for cheating? Why on earth did you think it was better to cheat than to just divorce your husband? Perhaps this is you getting what was coming to you?

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    • avatar

      Lindsay October 16, 2012, 9:55 am

      Also, why is the LW trying to justify that she didn’t get involved with the other woman until after she broke up with the “lover”? The horse is already out of the barn. Saying you weren’t happy with your husband isn’t an excuse because plenty of people divorce their spouses and THEN find someone new.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 16, 2012, 10:02 am

        YES!!! In this day and age getting divorced isn’t shameful. It is shameful to cheat. I find this behavior pathetic. If you’re going to cheat just get a divorce. Have some dignity.

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    • avatar

      Riefer October 16, 2012, 12:17 pm

      Her “lover” not only had an affair with a married woman, but then he went and had unprotected sex with a woman in a 4-year relationship. Sounds like quite the catch!

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  • avatar

    llclarityll October 16, 2012, 9:59 am

    Wendy you get leveled-up points x100000 for even answering this letter. After decoding and deciphering this hot mess, I do not have the wherewithal to string together coherent, useful advice.

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom October 16, 2012, 10:09 am

    This honestly made my head hurt while reading it. As much as I’d like to think it’s fake, there are plenty of people that thrive on this kind of drama.

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  • JK

    JK October 16, 2012, 10:21 am

    I think LW needs a visit from the Validationator.Tarmonster!!! Where are you???

    It took me forever to get through this letter, I just couldn´t read it It was all worth it for the sign off though. Older and wiser??? Seriously?
    Also, mandatory BC use comment. IF YOU DON´T WANT A BABY DON´T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX!!!!! Is it that hard to understand????
    Trainwrecks bring out the abuser of punctuation marks in me, apparently. I do <3 them though.

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    • avatar

      SweetPeaG October 16, 2012, 10:30 am

      “IF YOU DON´T WANT A BABY DON´T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX!!!!! Is it that hard to understand????”

      Thank you. Yes.

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  • avatar

    SweetPeaG October 16, 2012, 10:28 am

    I haven’t yet Wendy’s answer or any of the comments. I could barely follow this mess. I have tried to work on some of my judgmental attitudes. I can’t do it here… I just can’t. I don’t like any of these people. They all seem very foolish.

    My advice is as follows:
    1) Everyone involved in this fiasco should consider trying open relationships in the future because it is quite clear that being faithful to one person is not in the cards.

    2)AND PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE… Start using protection. Seriously, it isn’t difficult. Use a condom, especially. But, also used the birth control pill. Or whatever. There’s so many options. Why do people just get pregnant without even making an effort to not get pregnant (or catch a disease!)? When you’re having a one night stand/affair?!? I don’t understand. Remember when TLC sang that song back in the day wearing outfits made out of condoms? Let’s bring that back. I’d vote for a candidate running for office that tried to mandate free condoms for everyone.
    (This isn’t neccessarily directed at the LW, but at the LW’s lover’s lover… yea, try to follow that)

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. October 16, 2012, 12:11 pm

      I don’t think even an open relationship would work for these people. I mean, you have to treat all parties with respect and dignity, right? No one heere seems capable of that, except maybe the husband.

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      • avatar

        SweetPeaG October 16, 2012, 3:03 pm

        You’re right… it was just difficult to come up with sound advice.

        I do stand by my “USE CONDOMS” stance for everyone involved in this letter. And… for the world at large… as so many people don’t seem to understand the importance of it.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. October 16, 2012, 10:31 am

    Wow. My life is really dull.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh October 16, 2012, 11:40 am

      mine is duller. i also apparently don’t use the word lover enough in every day life.

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  • SweetsAndBeats

    SweetsAndBeats October 16, 2012, 9:50 am

    WWS.

    Also, LW, just a side note… But that husband of yours that you mention so flippantly has also committed 20 years of his life to you. I feel that he deserves a little more consideration and respect than what you’re giving him. At least have the decency to stop your shitstorm until after the divorce.

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    • the_optimist

      the_optimist October 16, 2012, 10:00 am

      HELL YES!

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    • avatar

      lemongrass October 16, 2012, 11:36 am

      I feel so sorry for this husband. She didn’t even justify her cheating by saying how awful he was. At least give him that consideration, LW.

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    • avatar

      Riefer October 16, 2012, 12:13 pm

      I feel sorry for the husband, the OTHER other man (the pregnant woman’s boyfriend), and the baby. This is one fucked up situation. I guess the husband’s better off without her than with her doing all this crazy crap behind his back. I wonder if she exposed him to STDs too, since she was exposed by her lover who exposed himself by not using protection. The other other man has been exposed too. It’s quite a chain they’ve got going there.

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      • Brad

        Brad October 16, 2012, 12:52 pm

        Yeah it’s really sad. You ought to be safe from STDs by the time you’re married.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow October 16, 2012, 1:09 pm

        And THIS is the type of thing I deal with at my job when someone gets syphilis. The chain of infection can be never-ending, and OH the cheating and the drama and the heartbreak.

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  • avatar

    Bossy Italian Wife October 16, 2012, 10:54 am

    Um… this is wilder than Mr. Toad’s wild ride.

    If you don’t know that you need to MOA then I am seriously worried for you.

    Sure, you’ve been in a loveless marriage, and you’ve had this lover but why are you such a glutton for punishment?! With your taste of love you have also gotten a huge helping of disrespect, surprise, and WTF. I am a believer in the fact that you can love any number of people and it’s a choice of who you want to be with…

    If you choose this guy, you are in for a world of hurt.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray October 16, 2012, 10:55 am

    I’ll leave it to everyone else to point out what a trainwreck this is – they are doing a nice job. I just want to say: (1) What does DOA mean? And (2) I love Montreal! I was there this summer for 24 hours, which was long enough for me to get drunk at a restaurant in old town and parler francais with anyone who would give me the time of day – which was a lot of youz (you guyz are a friendly bunch), then bike around town the next morning and up to the Jean-Talon market where I ate my weight in cheese and bread, and then up and around McGill (holy hills, batman), before I hit the road for Quebec City. Best. Road. Trip. Ever. LW, you could maybe use a solo road trip for awhile. Go get yourself some poutines, hit the road, and self reflect and shit!

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    • avatar

      Anna October 16, 2012, 10:56 am

      Dead on Arrival, I’m pretty sure.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo October 16, 2012, 11:07 am

        I love Montreal too, Addie. It is a super fun town in the summer. Go there sometime during the Jazz festival. (You don’t have to like jazz – the city just comes alive.) Don’t expect to sleep, though.

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    • avatar

      quixoticbeatnik October 16, 2012, 12:02 pm

      I really want to go to Montreal. Maybe that should be my next trip.

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  • avatar

    Anna October 16, 2012, 10:55 am

    Does it count as “cheating” or “an affair” if the guy you’re cheating on your husband with sleeps with someone else? I think not, especially since it was after you “broke up” with him! How could you seriously be mad at him for sleeping with someone else when you’re married to someone else and completely playing him? You wouldn’t happen to live in a glass house would you? Because I would not recommend throwing stones from where you are currently.

    I do agree with Wendy about 10 breakups in 2 months being ridiculous and a good reason to MOA from any relationship….however, he sounds nearly as dysfunctional as you so maybe you two should be together forever for the good of mankind. And use multiple forms of birth control, please.

    Reply Link
    • Kate B.

      Kate B. October 16, 2012, 12:15 pm

      Yeah, really. I’m generally not in favor of forced sterilization, but there are always exceptions…

      Reply Link
      • Kate B.

        Kate B. October 16, 2012, 12:16 pm

        OK, that was mean. But this is a mess.

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      • Brad

        Brad October 16, 2012, 1:01 pm

        No Kate, the truth hurts sometimes.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. October 16, 2012, 2:08 pm

        Thanks. I was trying not to be judgmental, but I failed. I was overwhelmed by the stupid.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo October 16, 2012, 11:01 am

    LW, you need someone more stable in your life than this young man of yours. The only way to make your update better than the original letter is to have an “affair” with his father. (How long do these “affairs” take? Is it over 20 minutes, not including the cab ride?)

    Reply Link
    • Diablo

      Diablo October 16, 2012, 11:03 am

      OK, that was rude. But, I mean, SHEESH!!

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        SweetPeaG October 16, 2012, 11:14 am

        I think that the rudeness is okay. I think we have all decided this LW needs some major tough love. Okay, there’s really no love involved. Much like her “relationships”.

        But, really… she needs to change her life and maybe if she sees how pathetic this all is…

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    • Brad

      Brad October 16, 2012, 1:02 pm

      Young boy* — There fixed. Real Men do not cheat or sleep with married woman. No this asshole is defintely still an immature boy.

      Reply Link
  • Chaotonic

    chaotonic October 16, 2012, 11:23 am

    Where is BGM when you need him?! I really want to see his response to this letter!

    Reply Link
  • SarahKat

    SarahKat October 16, 2012, 11:25 am

    Does anybody else get really skeezed when someone uses the word “Lover” a lot? It reminds me of those old SNL skits with Rachel Dratch and Will Ferrell “The hot tub helps awaken my lovah’s loins!” I guess there isn’t really a male word for mistress. Mister?

    Anyway, I’m going to take a wild stab and say that maybe if you were with your husband for 20 years and been unhappy for, well, all of them (seriously, why did you get married then?) then maybe you also have kids that made you feel obligated to stay in the marriage. If I’m right and you do have kids, then OMG STOP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Keep the separation, lose the lovah, and focus ONLY on your kids and you healing.

    If you don’t have kids, please, feel free to eff up your life with this guy who you’re very obviously going to keep seeing and breaking up with, and he’s going to keep using that as an excuse to have sex with other women (Yah, sure he waited only until this last time to have sex with someone else, sure he did). Only the thing is a mister (this is totally a thing now) doesn’t have to feel loyal to you, because you weren’t loyal to him being married to another guy. It doesn’t matter if you were sleeping with your husband or not, you’ve already proved to this mister that you are not interested in a monogamous and long relationship, with your marriage as proof.

    The thing you need to remember is that no matter how awful things were with your husband, you chose the cheating way out, instead of the mature divorce way out. That doesn’t say anything about your husband or your lovah, it says everything about you. You need to deal with that, and heal from your decisions, without a partner, ESPECIALLY the partner you cheated on your husband with. I’m also pretty perturbed that you waited until AFTER you wanted a relationship with mister lovah to file for separation, because you didn’t want to leave your husband unless you had another man waiting for you.

    Problem is that the relationship you left your husband for is now as rocky as the marriage you just left. You’ve spent 20 years unhappy, with a husband most likely as unhappy as you were. Why in holy hell do you think you’re ready for another relationship? Do you think that was a good idea? Being miserable for decades?

    The life with you and your mister wont work. That all encompassing passion will evaporate the moment you two start to do boring couple things together. This kid is not your business (to be a involved in or to speculate whether he/she was conceived on purpose or not), so don’t make it yours. Live your life in a place alone and single. Embrace that, enjoy that. Get some counseling. Only when you are satisfied with yourself will you find a relationship that is a healthy, and not a relationship that is meant to fill something in your self esteem that you should be filling yourself.

    Reply Link
    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyinPurpleNotRed October 16, 2012, 11:32 am

      urban dictionary says it’s mastress

      Reply Link
      • SarahKat

        SarahKat October 16, 2012, 11:43 am

        I like it!

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      • avatar

        Riefer October 16, 2012, 12:22 pm

        I read that as “mattress” at first. Sounds about right!

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    • avatar

      Vathena October 16, 2012, 12:46 pm

      If she has kids and didn’t even think to mention them, then she’s even more messed up and I hope her husband gets full custody.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      MMcG October 16, 2012, 4:48 pm

      Mr Loverman like the Shabba Ranks song?
      Wait, no, I like that song… don’t wait it tainted with this trash… Mastress it is!

      Reply Link
  • bagge72

    bagge72 October 16, 2012, 10:25 am

    WWS. And would this other women even tell this guy that she was pregnant if she were really trying to play him, and then pawn the baby off as her current boyfriends? Wouldn’t she just never talk to him again is she were to do that.

    Reply Link
    • bagge72

      bagge72 October 16, 2012, 10:30 am

      Also I love how you asked for a trial seperation from your husband so you can see if your affair goes anywhere! Do your husband a favor, and tell him all the bull shit you are doing behind his back so he can go ahead and turn this into a divorce, and he can move on in his life with somebody who actually cares for him, instead of living with hope that you are going to change your mind and come back to him. You are just a … Ugh never mind the more I think about this letter the more I need to step away, because I’m becoming more and more judgemental, and we just heard how bad that is from the latest update.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Vathena October 16, 2012, 10:36 am

        For real, like we are supposed to feel sorry for her because she’s been soooooo unhappy for 20 whole years! If you are unhappy and cheating, WHY IN THE WORLD would you want a “trial” separation? JUST GET A DIVORCE ALREADY, like 15 years ago!

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 16, 2012, 10:39 am

        Yeah exactly! She is a very shady person!

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  • avatar

    lemongrass October 16, 2012, 11:31 am

    Get some counselling pronto- you need to figure your own shit out.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    anonymous October 16, 2012, 11:44 am

    After all the shitstorm about “judgmental” comments on the previous update, I just want to call to everyone’s attention:
    1. There’s a LOT of criticism of the LW in this one, as compared to the other. In this context, the LW could rightly complain.
    2. It’s deserved. Could be phrased more kindly, but deserved.

    Dear LW, we feel your pain. You are so surrounded by drama that you don’t know what peace is at the moment.

    Intense love means being willing to give everything for the other person *except* for your integrity and self-respect. Your partner is not showing intense love for you, given my personal definition. You are not demonstrating intense love for him, either, since you traded your integrity for him. That’s my opinion, FWIW, and you obviously define love differently. Just a thought.

    Another thought: are you happy? Are you being treated as you would want your daughter to be treated? If not, I think you know what to do.

    A third thought: spare some compassion for your husband. Maybe put some thought into why you married him in the first place, and try to rekindle that spark (if he’s even willing at this point). My daughter often claims “I’ve never been happy here” (we moved three months ago), yet I see her smiling, laughing, talking about her many friends, etc. The point here is, “never” tends to be a rather inaccurate descriptor.

    Good luck

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      bethany October 16, 2012, 11:51 am

      I’m sorry, but this LW does not deserve any kind of “un-tough love” from us.

      Seriously, she’s a dick. She’s acting like a total dickhead. She’s cheating on her HUSBAND of 20 years. ANDshe’s upset about her ‘lover’ cheating on her. Anyone should be able to see how dick-ish that is. Under no circumstances am I going to tip toe around that. LW’s acting like a jerk and needs to be called on it.

      Reply Link
      • JK

        JK October 16, 2012, 11:58 am

        WBS

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      • avatar

        anonymous October 16, 2012, 12:15 pm

        See comment #2. And the earlier letter writer (and updater) admitted that she had been a bitch, and yet there were several people defending her stridently…it just struck me as rather odd that we as a community had been rather muted on the updater and several commenters were having a conniption about how mean we had been…

        In this case, I do think some commenters are being overly unkind. It may be deserved, and I agree that she needs to be called out for her behavior. I’m just saying that — for reasons unknown to us, granted — presumably she really is confused about what’s going on. Integrity? Not there. And, yes, I agree that based on what we know, we don’t need to cut much slack. Namecalling, however, puts us on the same level, in my opinion.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 16, 2012, 12:25 pm

        I can’t take any of your comments seriously until you get a real name and quit posting under “anonymous” and also give me a brief summary of all of your major life decisions. Ready – GO!

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      • avatar

        anonymous October 16, 2012, 3:22 pm

        FWIW, iwttts, I don’t have issues with any of your comments. You were one of the more civil commenters on this post, in my opinion.

        I agree that the LW’s choices suck. I think her behavior shows a complete lack of character. But I don’t need to call her a dickhead, sleazebag, or any other names, and that was all I was attempting to point out, in the context of the recent furore over the update. I certainly wasn’t trying to unleash a firestorm.

        With respect to your comments directed to me, I don’t need you to take my comments seriously. You are welcome to your opinions, and I’m welcome to mine. I don’t need to provide you any information about my life decisions (although, by the way, “brief” is redundant — summaries are supposed to be brief by definition).

        So — sorry my anonymity offends you. Given that Wendy offers it as an option, I don’t think it requires an apology, but you have it.

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      • avatar

        Lucy October 16, 2012, 4:43 pm

        Right, cause on the interwebs, people always post under their real names and tell the 100% truth. 🙂

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      • avatar

        bethany October 16, 2012, 12:41 pm

        You’re concerned that we’re being overly unkind?? I think the LW is being overly unkind to her husband. Someone she made a vow to love and cherish and treat with RESPECT. We’re just people on the internet, and she can dismiss our opinions if she doesn’t care for them, her poor husband has been stuck with this jerk of a wife for 20 years…

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      • avatar

        anonymous October 16, 2012, 3:26 pm

        I agree that her behavior is very disrespectful to her husband and to herself (she was the one who made her marriage vows which she is ignoring, and turning around and hooking up with someone who treats her equally poorly). However unkind she is being, I wonder why any of us would want to stoop to her level? Surely we can remain civil — to the LW and to each other?

        Just a thought. It’s very interesting — my asking about the tone of our collective comments seems to be getting many of you mighty defensive. I wonder why?

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      • avatar

        MMcG October 16, 2012, 4:59 pm

        “I wonder why?”

        I don’t think it’s defensiveness, just that this was the possibly the worst letter to try and make your (legit) point. This LW is in the dictionary under the definition of awful — especially when you consider that the overwhelming majority of the LWers spin things in the light most favorable to them, the real picture of the last year of this woman’s life is likely even worse… Way to wait until you had someone to fill the void in your life before telling your husband to heave ho — there’s no respect there — not for herself, not for her husband, not for her “younger lovah,” not for her family.

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    • SarahKat

      SarahKat October 16, 2012, 12:08 pm

      So I like to gauge my criticism on an LW based on what the other person’s perspective would be.

      “Dear Wendy,

      My wife recently told me she’s been miserable the entirety of our 20 year marriage. She’s also been cheating on me for the past year. She’s said that she wants to separate, but just for a year, to see if there’s any relationship better than ours that she can find. She’s been chatting with guys online, but also is still seeing the guy she cheated on me with off and on. All while I’m still living in the same house. The man she cheated on me with is also having a baby with someone else. Let’s hope my wife was practicing safe sex with her lover so she that she didn’t expose me to anything in the last year, but seeing as he knocked up another girl with no protection, I’m thinking no. This is all while I still live here by the way. She seems excited for me to leave so her boyfriend can come over now. Cool.”

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Addie Pray October 16, 2012, 1:23 pm

        HEY GUYZ, remember that time SaraKat was on DW and then left us for months and months and months with no word? Those months sucked! I hope that never happens again. Ok, back to work. ~AP

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson October 16, 2012, 1:34 pm

        And then came back and immediately got comment of the week? What a badass.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray October 16, 2012, 1:47 pm

        TB. Total Badass.

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      • SarahKat

        SarahKat October 16, 2012, 1:47 pm

        HERE COMES THE GUILT PARADE.

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      • katie

        katie October 16, 2012, 2:00 pm

        well you did just leave us, cold turkey, just like we were trash or something.

        just sayin…

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      • SarahKat

        SarahKat October 16, 2012, 2:14 pm

        I know I did I’m sorry :(. I had very pathetic reasons. I’m not even like one of those good abandoner parents that leaves their family to go fight the Russian Mafia or to keep them from catching her hoof and mouth disease. I’m one of the bad abandoners that sells their kids for pimp insurance and uses her breast pump as a meth bong.

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      • avatar

        Grilledcheesecalliope October 16, 2012, 6:48 pm

        Omg breast pump meth bong, thank you for that.

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    • FireStar

      FireStar October 16, 2012, 12:15 pm

      It isn’t really pain the LW is feeling as much as it is the consequences of her choices.

      Reply Link
    • Just Max

      Just Max October 16, 2012, 12:58 pm

      #sarcasmfont

      Reply Link
    • bagge72

      bagge72 October 16, 2012, 12:00 pm

      LW I don’t feel your pain, I don’t plan on hating the person I’m married to for 20+ years, and then cheat on her, and then ask for a seperation while still lying about the cheating, and then break up with my mistress 2 times a week, while she goes off, and gets pregnant by somebody else. I don’t ever want to feel that pain, or make somebody else I love feel that pain.

      Reply Link
      • JK

        JK October 16, 2012, 12:06 pm

        Thank you bagge.

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      • avatar

        Rachel October 16, 2012, 12:16 pm

        “LW I don’t feel your pain” — YES, exactly!

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    • avatar

      MMcG October 16, 2012, 4:54 pm

      Nope, not feeling her pain. I think at best she’s an immature & selfish woman who loves the drama that comes with being in “love” and didn’t even bother to refer to her husband, household or 20 year commitment as anything more than a dog she wishes she could get rid of so that she can bring something fancier home.

      New rule – if you put love in quotes, and are over the age of 10, you need to end your relationship and figure out how to respect yourself and others, because you don’t have a clue.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    quixoticbeatnik October 16, 2012, 12:00 pm

    Oh my god. I can’t even express my reaction to this letter. Why would you stay with your husband for 20 years if you were miserable? Do you have kids? Did you think you couldn’t support yourself on your own? For some reason this letter reminds me of Celia and Dean Hodes from Weeds. They had a horrible marriage. They hated each other – she never loved him, I think she only married him for the stability and support that she was going to get from him. Are you her? Did you marry him just because you didn’t think you would find anything better? Why would you marry somebody you weren’t happy with? Was your husband happy in your marriage? But anyways….that’s not the point of this letter.

    If you want the drama, then stay with your lover. If you want to constantly be guessing about what your relationship is (actually, I don’t think it could be classified as a relationship. You’ve broken up too many fucking times!) then stay with him. More power to you girl! You can totally change him for the better! And when you, then you can marry him and be miserable for another two decades.Yay!!! #truelove #standbyyourman

    Please. If you are smart at all, 1) get a divorce and put yourselves out of your misery. Like iwanna said, no shame in a divorce. Lots of people get divorced, because they marry people that they shouldn’t have married in the first place. There is no shame in being alone as long as you are happy. 2) Lose the lover. He is bad news judging from your letter. No good, NO GOOD, will come out of this if you stay with him. You will not be happy with him. Someday, you will lose that intensity that you feel and you will have nothing. Geez, all this intense passion. I kinda think that the passion should grow in a relationship, not just be all at the beginning and then fizzle out. That’s how it was in my relationship. The passion just grew! It was hot, but it was also a real relationship where we were with each other, not engaging in fuckery like you two. I’m hoping that since you wrote into DW for advice, you are actually capable of making your life so much better. So, divorce and MOA from your affair, get counseling, and update us in like 6 months-a year.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Anna October 16, 2012, 12:49 pm

      Love the Weeds reference!! But I was really pissed off when Celia banged Conrad…she’s way too big a bitch for his hotness.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        quixoticbeatnik October 16, 2012, 1:31 pm

        Conrad was hot! I hated that Celia was a bitch and nobody loved her but Nancy is a bitch and everybody loves her? WHAT is up with that??? Nancy is such a complex and likable but at the same time not likable character.

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      • avatar

        SweetPeaG October 16, 2012, 3:00 pm

        Conrad!!!!
        The best character on the show… so HOT. And also, not annoying, like pretty much every other character on the show.

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      • avatar

        quixoticbeatnik October 16, 2012, 8:49 pm

        Yeah, true that. A lot of the characters were really annoying. Shane was creepy and Silas was so indecisive and Andy was so clingy and Doug was just stupid….but for some reason that’s what makes such a good show? When you put all these weird characters together?? I liked Isabelle. I missed seeing her in Season 7 – I want Season 8 on Netflix RIGHT NOW along with Season 2 of Downton Abbey 🙁

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  • Brad

    Brad October 16, 2012, 12:35 pm

    This letter just goes to show you that immaturity doesn’t have an age limit… This is one absolute train wreck. 10 “breakups” in 2 months … what are you 40 going on 14? Grow up.

    And forgive me for being Mr. McJudgy, but wtf?! Why don’t you invest a little energy into FIXING your marriage rather than having long standing affairs with younger immature men? You can’t fix a marriage while you’re busy fucking somebody else. And if you or your husband isn’t willing to work on the relationship–then get a divorce. A onetime cheating incident is bad enough but arguably understandable in certain situations, but there’s just no excuse for a long term affair. None. Both you and the younger kid ought to be ashamed.

    Oyi….

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    MiMi October 16, 2012, 12:49 pm

    You know, the one thing that is missing in this story: real love. Real love is not bombastic, hair-tearing, dramatic-gesturing, or betraying in nature. Real love is solid and secure. Obviously no one is this scenario has it, not the one-night-stand, not the cast-off husband, not the push-me,pull-you boyfriend, and definitely not the LW, who has behaved recklessly in pursuit of a phantom perfect relationship that does not exist in reality. Be honest with yourself, LW, take responsibility for your destructive actions and get help if necessary to figure out what love and happiness really look like.

    Reply Link
    • Brad

      Brad October 16, 2012, 3:51 pm

      Your comment reminded me of the song Love is not a Fight by Warren Barfield:
      Love is not a place
      To come and go as we please
      It’s a house we enter in
      Then commit to never leave

      So lock the door behind you
      Throw away the key
      We’ll work it out together
      Let it bring us to our knees

      Chorus:
      Love is a shelter in a raging storm
      Love is peace in the middle of a war
      And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
      No, love is not a fight but it’s something worth fighting for

      To some, love is a word
      That they can fall into
      But when they’re falling out
      Keeping that word is hard to do

      Chorus

      Love will come to save us
      If we’ll only call
      He will ask nothing from us
      But demand we give our all

      Chorus

      I will fight for you
      Would you fight for me?
      It’s worth fighting for

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Caris October 16, 2012, 12:55 pm

    what the waht?? huh??

    *sigh*

    Reply Link
  • QaraKoz

    Qara Koz October 16, 2012, 1:15 pm

    “One messed up relationship at a time, everyone!”
    Saving this DWism.

    Reply Link
  • theattack

    theattack October 16, 2012, 1:42 pm

    If I were the praying type, I would pray that you don’t have any children with your husband. You didn’t mention any, but your priorities are clearly pretty twisted. I hope no children are subjected to all of this drama of yours.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Rachel October 16, 2012, 1:43 pm

    “Trolling for men online”. Jesus Wendy, judgemental much? She’s been in an unhappy marriage and a tumultuous affair, cut her some friggin slack. I don’t even know why I read this column anymore. Very disappointing.

    Reply Link
    • theattack

      theattack October 16, 2012, 1:46 pm

      …..??

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Rachel October 16, 2012, 1:47 pm

      “Prior to this decision though, I started chatting with other men online because I was upset that my lover was putting distance between us.”

      Did you read this bit? Before the LW even had the decency to separate from her husband, while her feelings were hurt that her affair wasn’t going so well, she was already looking for other options. Pretty sure that’s the definition of “trolling for men online.” You are supposed to END your awful marriage before you start up other relationships.

      Reply Link
    • JK

      JK October 16, 2012, 1:47 pm

      I really don´t see the point in this comment, fake Rachel. And I´m sure Wendy won´t miss someone who apparently only comes on to criticize.

      Reply Link
    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow October 16, 2012, 2:00 pm

      I’m not sure how that’s judgmental. Is it just the use of the word “trolling”? Honestly, Wendy didn’t even touch on the cheating – she just answered the LW’s question about whether to continue her relationship with her “lover.” The most she said about the husband was that he didn’t even need to be a factor in her decision about the “lover” because the breaking up 10 times in 2 months was enough.

      Reply Link
    • SarahKat

      SarahKat October 16, 2012, 2:20 pm

      Oh lord, this subject again. Buckle up everybody.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      bethany October 16, 2012, 2:30 pm

      Ummm… Pretty sure that’s what she was doing.
      I can’t believe you’re defending this woman!

      Reply Link
    • Kate B.

      Kate B. October 16, 2012, 3:36 pm

      There is a very simple solution to your problem.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      MMcG October 16, 2012, 5:04 pm

      Three guesses how you choose the resolve the issues in your relationships if you don’t see the problems with the LWs behavior — and think she deserves any slack — cut a little too close to home?

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Rachel October 18, 2012, 3:21 pm

        Nope, I’ve never been married, have never cheated/had an affair and I’ve never done the break-up 10 times thing. Sorry to disappoint.

        What I’m saying is yeah clearly this woman thrives on some serious drama. I don’t even really care about what this woman does. I just get tired of the negative slant on getting laid in a casual manner. Trolling is just a stupid word to use in relation to seeking casual sex.

        And you’re right (all the ladies above), there is a solution to my problem with this column continuing to suck, and I’m exiting the building now. Later! 🙂

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark October 16, 2012, 1:48 pm

    Eh, I don’t care enough about any of the people in this letter to offer up and advice — or even, for that matter, bother to be snide and rude and clever about it either. Narcissistic losers, users all around… Meh.

    Reply Link
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom October 16, 2012, 2:19 pm

    Everyone else has been through the trainwreck business so I’ll say something else. What are you getting out of this? What deep, dark hole are you trying to fill with this juvenile relationship. I’d say you were acting like a fifteen-year-old but I’ve never met a teen that broke up ten times in two months. Never. So what are you getting out of all of this mess? You must be getting something out of it or you wouldn’t be doing it. The second question that might help you figure out the first is why now? What has been going on in your life that lead to you behaving like this? Is this a midlife crisis? Are you feeling your own mortality? Not feeling sexy enough or validated enough? Does work suck? If you have them, did the kids grow up?

    You have to know by now that your marriage is as fulfilling as you make it. If you value and prioritize it and nourish it by giving it time and attention and communication then it will be fulfilling. If you neglect it it will wither into something you don’t want. Until you learn that lesson and live it no relationship will be better than the one you’ve had with your husband. Certainly, this relationship you’ve been having, the affair, can’t be fulfilling.

    You talked about rebuilding your affair. Really, why? It’s an affair. It’s not based on honesty or integrity or anything but sleaze. It has no foundation so nothing to rebuild. It sounds like the two of you have lots of chemistry and zero compatability and no maturity. I saw a study a few years ago about researchers who studied marriages that began as affairs during the previous marriage of at least one of the partners. They were following 200 married couples and by the end of the study only one couple was still married. It seems that the person who cheated on their previous spouse wasn’t trusted by the new partner. The one thing the new partner really knew about their spouse was that they cheated on their previous spouse. There is nothing like starting a relationship as an affair to make sure that relationship never works.

    Your life can’t be satisfying at the moment so please step back. Look at who you’ve become and why you’ve become this wretched, lying, sleazy person. What need have you been trying to fulfill? What other way can you fulfill that need without destroying yourself? Become a person you can be proud. If you want to be a better person you should also apologize to your husband and let him know how you’ve been treating your marriage. He deserves to know so that he can make a decision about this marriage based on reality. After twenty years, even if you found them unfulfilling, he deserves that much from you.

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    • avatar

      SweetPeaG October 16, 2012, 3:07 pm

      Brilliant response.

      Reply Link
    • katie

      katie October 16, 2012, 3:12 pm

      PREACH.

      Reply Link
    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 16, 2012, 3:19 pm

      This is an awesome, awesome response. If the LW reads nothing else I hope she reads this comment. I love that you pointed out where she went wrong in a way that shows that it is damaging to her specifically. Love, love, love this comment.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      anonymous October 16, 2012, 4:19 pm

      Thank you, Skyblossom. Beautifully put.

      Reply Link
  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny October 16, 2012, 2:54 pm

    All I can say is, Wendy totally spot on here. The fact that this affair is so tumultuous is a sign that it’s not working. I wonder if the LW craves the drama? And if things settled down and she got back with her “lovah”, would the routine and stability make her bored. (I’m just wondering- not jumping to conclusions.).
    If I were her I’d clean my slate and start over. No unhappy marriage, no young lover with drama of his own (ie the other woman/ affair. (geez this is reading like a soap opera!). Period.

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  • avatar

    MMcG October 16, 2012, 4:26 pm

    Apologies if someone else has already covered this… but can this be the latest and greatest Dear Wendy schwag!?! I love it so much I want it on tote bags and hats and everything 🙂

    “Honey, you aren’t Tammy Wynette. MOA”

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    • avatar

      MMcG October 16, 2012, 4:30 pm

      This too: Wendy was on fire today!
      “One messed up relationship at a time, everyone!”

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. October 16, 2012, 6:25 pm

        I want this on a tote bag, or a button, something.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. October 16, 2012, 6:37 pm

        Or “This relationship is DOA. So MOA.” It rhymes.

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    Another Anon October 16, 2012, 5:03 pm

    Without in any way condoning anything else she’s done, I do understand staying in an unhappy marriage til the children are grown, assuming it’s quietly unhappy and not all-out war. Children do generally have better outcomes when raised in a marriage (assuming it isn’t all-out war) and the LW might have some insight into the (possible) fact that she could not raise them effectively alone – which, given other aspects of her conduct, is quite likely. I think the slagging off on her for staying married when she was unhappy is unwarranted. The timeframe is such that it’s almost certain she hung on for her kids, and that’s no different to many mothers before her. (The rest of her conduct is, of course, another matter completely).

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark October 16, 2012, 5:30 pm

    I do think many of you (Wendy included) are kind of missing the boat on one thing, though. Of course the LW isn’t put off by ten break ups in two months! Clearly, she THRIVES on…the drama! She craves…the drama! She’s had rock steady stability for well over twenty years now and it obviously bores her to tears, apparently. Telling her to to find herself a stable and deeply committed lover for the time being is truly going to fall on deaf ears. Ten dramatic break ups followed by ten gloriously romantic reconciliations in two months isn’t the problem — far from it — that’s the entire attraction…

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson October 16, 2012, 6:08 pm

      Cough cough I think some of us did bring that up. Cough cough. This will be an LW with an update in 6 months that is like “thanks for posting my letter wendy and all the insightful comments – I however decided that I couldn’t let this winner go – so now we’re engaged (haven’t quite been able to get that pesky husband to move out) and unbeknownst to me my eggs haven’t dried up so we’re popping some kids out. Don’t worry – financially we’re fine – my husband has been able to provide quite a stable life! But really thanks everyone!”

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 16, 2012, 6:25 pm

        That’s why I used the term… “many” as opposed to “all of you…” 😉

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        quixoticbeatnik October 16, 2012, 8:50 pm

        Yeah, I was going to say that I did that too! Cough. But I thought that would just be petty. You did say some of us did that….

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  • Miss MJ

    MISS MJ October 16, 2012, 5:42 pm

    Bright side? At least it isn’t the LW who is pregnant.

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  • avatar

    spark October 16, 2012, 6:27 pm

    The nerve of that woman to come to Montreal knowing that she was fertile!

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    • theattack

      theattack October 16, 2012, 6:33 pm

      hahahahaha!

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      Rachel October 16, 2012, 6:52 pm

      Haha, I’m glad someone else picked up on that gem.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark October 16, 2012, 8:02 pm

      That was indeed a decidedly odd line… To me, considering her unfortunate track record with a long, fruitless struggle to bring a baby to term, I don’t know how or why she would ever think she was fertile… Seriously, even IVF seemed to have failed her… No wonder she is so desperate to keep the baby from this accident… But knowing she was fertile? Um. No. I simply don’t see it…

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  • avatar

    Shandra October 16, 2012, 9:02 pm

    10 breakups in two months isn’t a relationship, it’s a series of booty calls.

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