I have been married for over 20 years and have never been happy. This relationship has shown me what “love” can really be like and I decided to try a trial separation from my husband for one year. Prior to this decision though, I started chatting with other men online because I was upset that my lover was putting distance between us. Yes, I did this out of anger, but I never met anyone of these men. He did the same, but ended up having a weekend fling with a woman from another city (two days after I had officially broken up with him).
My lover and I have broken up about 10 times in the past two months, and this was another one of those similar “breakups.” So the Monday after the affair, he contacts me and wanted to see me. I agreed and, of course, when we are together, the whole world slips away and our love is so intense. it’s insane. We ended up spending most of the week together talking things through. He then told me about the affair. I freaked out and ended things. Again, we started talking things through seeing if maybe we could make things work.
My husband is moving out this weekend which would have made things easier for my lover and I to see if we could rebuild our relationship. Well, yesterday we found out that his fling is pregnant (yes, he had unprotected sex). He’s devastated because she won’t have an abortion. His life is shattered — he’s a wreck and I’m a wreck too. She also lives 7 hours away and in another country (we live in Canada)!
So my question is: do I stand by him now and help him through this or do I walk away and let him deal with his own shit? I don’t know what to do. He says he needs me and has no one to talk to. I love him and we were about to have our chance for a real relationship.
P.S. This other woman is in a 4-year relationship and has been trying to get pregnant for two years, had a miscarriage six months ago after invitro and came to Montreal knowing she was fertile. I wonder if he got played? She will tell her boyfriend that it’s his. Help! What do I do???!!! — Older and Wiser?
So, your 20-year marriage is/has crumbled and the man you were cheating on your husband with for the last 11 months got someone else pregnant — a woman who is in a long-term relationship with someone else — while having unprotected sex during one of the ten times you broke up in two months. And you want to know whether you should stand by his side? Honey, you aren’t Tammy Wynette. MOA.
I don’t have to know anything else about your situation, except that you broke up ten times in two months, to tell you to MOA. Never mind that you’re still married to someone else. Never mind that you’ve been trolling for other men online. Never mind that your lover had unprotected sex with one woman and then had sex with you, putting you at risk for STDs. Never mind that he got that woman pregnant. Never mind that you think he was “played,” which is a ridiculous argument anyway unless you’re suggesting he was forced to have unprotected sex with this woman. Never mind ALL OF THAT — and there’s a lot there to overlook — all you had to say was that you broke up ten times in two months. That is enough to clue anyone in: this relationship is DOA. So MOA.
Do not try to resuscitate. This relationship is ovah. The “insane” love you think you two have together isn’t love; its lust, pure and simple. If it were love, your “lover” would have more respect and care for you than to put you at risk the way he did.
Anyway, a younger lover who keeps you company during your trial separation while you figure out whether you want to divorce your husband or not shouldn’t come with so much DRAMA. You’ve got enough drama cleaning up the pieces of your crumbling marriage. Ten breakups in two months, several affairs, and baby mamas in another country don’t usually lead to emotional stability. And what in the world do you need another emotionally unstable relationship for when your 20-year marriage is falling apart.
One messed up relationship at a time, everyone!
Focus on yourself for a while. Think about what it is you really want. And leave your lover to, as you say, “deal with his own shit.” It sounds like you’ve got enough of your own to keep you busy for a bit.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.