This is a letter someone posted on the message board this week. I thought it deserved a larger audience, so I’m posting it here, along with some advice from me.
Well, this weekend I slept over again and we had sex and went to sleep. Then I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was shaking and he was actually masturbating. I kinda moved around and turned over. He stopped what he was doing right away and put his hand on me, in a sweet way. He thought I was still asleep I am sure. Anyway he did not do anything else … and we just slept.
While I don’t actually mind the masturbating, the combination of the two events while I am sleeping are making me worry. It’s a pretty new relationship and I’ve never thought of something like this before. Anyone have any suggestions? I already know I should talk to him about this; I just wonder if anyone has comments or has dealt with this before I dive into that conversation. I have looked up the sex while I was sleeping online and a lot of stuff out their suggests it’s sexual abuse, or even rape. I don’t agree with this but it did scare the hell out of me when it happened. I am in my late 20s and he is too. I find nothing else about his behavior to be abusive at all. He is caring and sweet, very nice…..just wondering about other persons’ opinions! — Sleep Issues
Be honest with your boyfriend that his recent behavior — the combination of sexing you up while you were asleep and then masturbating next to you a few days later while you were asleep again — creeps you out. Let him know that while you believe his story about thinking you were awake the first time, you find it odd that instead of going out of his way to foster nocturnal comfort and trust, he decided to jerk off in bed right next to you while you slept. Something is off here. Wouldn’t he be a little embarrassed about his behavior after the first incident? Wouldn’t he want you to feel comfortable in his presence? This strikes me as a control thing. If it were just the sex-while-sleeping bit, that’s weird enough; but as you said, the combination of these two things in quick succession is bizarre and doesn’t bode well for him or your relationship.
If it were I, I wouldn’t share a bed with him again until I felt that some trust had been re-established in the relationship. Depending on my feelings for the guy, I might even dump him and MOA now. But you have several months invested and maybe you feel strongly enough for him to give him another chance. Still, consider these acts two red flags and proceed with caution. I’d definitely implement a “three strikes and you’re out rule” for the immediate future. If he pulls anything weird again over the next few weeks, don’t give him another chance.