So I’m just sitting here thinking which do I do? What if one of them is wrong and I ruin a potentially good relationship? Another thing is the whole concept of virginity. I’m a virgin and some articles say that men like virgins, while another website says men will not go out with you if you’re a virgin after a certain point. So which is it? Am I screwed or blessed to be a virgin? I understand a few things that I know a good quality guy would want in a partner:
2) Similarity in beliefs and intelligence
4) Sexual Attractiveness (to the individual guy)
So in your expert advice, what is really the best way to approach sex, dating and relationships? I know that’s a hard question to answer and it depends on the person but I just want to get it right, finally. I feel like I keep screwing up in some way if I am unable to find a long term relationship partner. — Relationship Newbie
It may be a cliché, but the best answer to your question about how to date is to be yourself and follow your gut. You want a guy to like you for YOU not for some character you’ve created to snag him. Not only is it exhausting trying to be someone you aren’t or behaving a certain way just to land a guy, it’ll blow up in your face when you eventually let your guard down and the guy realizes you aren’t who he thought you were. So, seriously, screw all the games and the “rules” you read about in magazines and books and websites, and stick to the only rule that truly matters when it comes to dating: be yourself, even — nay, especially — if part of who you are is a virgin. The last thing you need to do is go out and have sex or lie about having had sex just so some dude will want to date you. Trust: you don’t want a guy who would rule you out because you’re a virgin. Nor would you want a guy who only likes you because you’re a virgin. Gross. So … be yourself, but show your different layers. Don’t let your sexual identity or your lack of dating experience be what you lead with.
Another mistake you need to avoid is coming on too strong. It’s okay to pursue a guy, but don’t chase him. This isn’t about “letting him chase you” or whatever inane nonsense you’ve read somewhere (dating isn’t a race, for Christ’s sake), but rather remaining enough of a challenge that the guy knows he has to put in some effort. Frankly, as important as it is to be confident, kind, and smart, it’s just as important to give a guy the chance to work for you. Why? Because it keeps him interested.
You know that game Crainium? Well, I played it with some friends for the first time on Thanksgiving and let me tell you something: I was bored. Like, really bored. The game was so easy, I had nothing to work for. I didn’t get that zing I feel when, say, I get the Final Jeopardy question right. In fact, I didn’t get a zing at all because the questions were all too easy and it took zero effort on my part to answer them correctly (plus, the bubbly had gone flat). That’s what happens when you make it too easy for a guy. There’s no zing and he gets bored. So, give him a little zing; keep your bubbly bubbly. If you ask him out for the first date, let him plan the second one. If you’ve told him two or three times how much you enjoy his company and he hasn’t said something similar to you, hold your tongue. Don’t share all your feelings for him right off that bat. Don’t hide them either, but don’t be an open book. Let him take time turning the pages and soaking up the story of who you are and how you two work together before giving him the whole plot.
Forget everything else you’ve read about dating and relating and remember these two tips: be yourself, and give him a little something to work for. Not much else matters too much — at least not anything you shouldn’t already be doing in life: dress appropriately; don’t eat with your mouth open; be safe; don’t talk too much about yourself; and pinch your cheeks for a pop of color.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter.