Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

On the Breakup of Female Friendships

bridesmaids_cover

My sister just sent me a link to this essay, “I was ghosted by my bridesmaid. It hurt more than any breakup” (the writer of which has also published an essay on DW in the past, fyi). As the title suggests, it’s about a woman whose bridesmaid dumped her before the wedding (but after the bridesmaid dress was made and paid for). But more than that, it’s about the ending of a longtime female friendship — something many of us, whether ghosted before our wedding or not — can relate to, and something that isn’t discussed as much as the breakup of romantic relationships and the broken hearts that ensue.

The end of a female friendship is a strange loss to bear. There is no sympathy card to say I’m sorry your friend doesn’t want you anymore. There are no great ballads that encapsulate the experience of losing a non-romantic partner. While there will surely be people to comfort you and take your side, that does little to ease the hole left in your heart. It’s not a loss that society recognizes or validates. Instead it is a quiet mixture of rage and sadness and confusion and grief, the sort of thing you want to call yout best friend to talk about, if only she would pick up the phone.

Have you been ghosted by a bridesmaid? Maybe you didn’t even get that far — maybe you were told no when you asked a friend to be in your wedding? Or, maybe like a lot of us, the ending of your friendship didn’t involve a wedding at all, and, though you can’t pinpoint the exact moment in ended (or maybe you can), the feelings of loss and betrayal and hurt are probably every bit as intense, if not more so, than your hardest romantic breakups…

43 comments… add one
  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny October 17, 2016, 1:16 pm

    I had a friend from high school, whom I had reconnected with as an adult, totally ghost me about 5.5 years ago. We were pretty close for a long time, and at that point in time I was in a bit of a life funk (dealing with a painful breakup and not very happy with my job) and I don’t think she really got what I was going through. She canceled on me a couple of times, was “too busy” with her own life and couldn’t make time for me, and then went on a vacation abroad. When she got back, I called/texted/emailed to say hi and reconnect and she never replied. The moment I realized she no longer wanted to be my friend was when I discovered that she had unfriended and blocked me on Facebook! And I remain blocked to this day.

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    • Moneypenny

      Moneypenny October 17, 2016, 1:18 pm

      And my reaction to this was to really feel hurt. She basically went scorched earth on me, and I really never figured out why. I was always there for her, and she just… wasn’t, apparently.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray October 17, 2016, 1:31 pm

        That’s so odd! Do you have any guesses as to why she did that? At first as I was reading your comments, I thought maybe she just got busy and consumed with her life, her boyfriend, whatever, but that she would go as far as unfriending you and blocking you suggests otherwise. Now I’m invested. We need to get to the bottom of this.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny October 17, 2016, 2:16 pm

        Well, I could understand that she was busy- she was a music teacher and she had a very busy schedule, and she also tended to be a bit self- centered in general. I honestly don’t know. It’s one thing to fade away as people do, but to totally block me was pretty hurtful.

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        girltuesday October 17, 2016, 2:39 pm

        Are you sure she didn’t just delete her Facebook? That is the oddest thing. I get the “slow fade” but to go full block? Weird.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny October 17, 2016, 3:50 pm

        I’m pretty sure. Her profile picture is still there, I just can’t click on it. And a friend of mine is also still fb friends with her, so she totally blocked me.

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    for_cutie October 17, 2016, 1:27 pm

    I am currently in the process of ghosting a friend. My best and only real “Mom friend” since I became a mother. We related on so many levels, but I became overwhelmed by the negativity. Then it turned into feels of being used and put out. It was never about me, always about her wants, needs, drama. It took me 2 whole years to make the choice to distance myself from her. When she does reach out, I do respond, just slowly and honestly. I no longer twist myself into a pretzel to help. I didn’t unfriend her on facebook – even though others have suggest I do – I just unfollowed. She’s a frequent and emotional poster so I am sure she has notice the lack of likes and comments on my end. I regret my cowardice about not addressing my needs directly, but I felt I had no right to criticize another hard working woman when it was me who was bothered by her personality.

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    RedRoverRedRover October 17, 2016, 1:35 pm

    I had a good friend who, when she got a new boyfriend, kind of disappeared. Which is fine, we had the kind of relationship where we could not see each other for like 6 months, but then we’d get back together and be close again for 6 months or a year. Just due to things like being busy at work, me planning my wedding, her dad dying and her having to spend tons of time with her mom, etc. So when she met the new bf I figured no big deal, same kind of thing. About 6 months later she called me to say she was getting married to him, and they were having a destination wedding and did I want to come? No invite or anything, but I don’t think they had invites because it was a very small wedding. I think they just asked people, like they did for me. Anyway, I was 6 months pregnant, but my husband and I decided to go to support her. I was her only friend who went. She was so appreciative, it was a great week. Then when we got home some of the friends who couldn’t go threw her a shower (after the wedding, which was weird, but whatever). By then I was 8 months pregnant, and had to drive over an hour to the relatively remote place where they’d moved to, in the dead of winter. It was dark and snowy and I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I went because I’d called her to ask if she minded if I missed it and she really wanted me there. So I went.

    The next weekend was my baby shower, and she skipped it because her husband had some conference to go to and she was going with him. The conference was in my city, like 20 mins from where we were having the shower. She said she’d try to stop by and never did. Then a month later I had the baby and emailed her to let her know. She asked when she could come by to see him, I’m like “anytime, I’m not working so literally any time is fine”. She said she’d let me know. Never did. I emailed her again, she said she’s really busy and might not be able to come till the end of the season (she does seasonal work). End of the season comes, I email her, no response. That was it. I didn’t bother to email her again, figuring if it was important for her to keep up the friendship, she’d eventually get back to me. After dragging myself to a resort while uncomfortably pregnant, spending all that money on the trip plus a pretty generous gift, then going to the shower I didn’t really want to go to and giving her a gift there, she couldn’t even bother to come meet my baby? He’s three now, and I have a second baby. I haven’t even heard from her this whole time. So I guess it’s over. 🙁

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray October 17, 2016, 2:05 pm

      Oh man, she sucks!!

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    • juliecatharine

      Juliecatharine October 17, 2016, 2:06 pm

      Dang Red…that is super sucky, I’m sorry 😕.

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      anonymousse October 17, 2016, 2:10 pm

      Damn, I’m sorry, RR.

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      girltuesday October 17, 2016, 2:36 pm

      Dang that is SO RUDE. You sound like an awesome friend, BTW.

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    • the_optimist

      the_optimist October 17, 2016, 3:25 pm

      🙁 That is crazy rude of her and totally unfair to you!!

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      RedRoverRedRover October 17, 2016, 6:12 pm

      Thanks all! It hurt, but I guess I’m better off without her. The really sucky thing is that now if I don’t hear from my other best friend in awhile, I start to wonder if she’s ghosting me too. And then I won’t have any best friends left. 🙁

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    SpaceySteph October 17, 2016, 1:46 pm

    Midway through my senior year of high school, my best friend of the last 3.5 years up and stopped speaking to me and one other friend (our third musketeer). No explanation, to precipitating fight, just… nothing. I was devastated. We still had a number of classes together and saw each other every day but didn’t speak. Interestingly, most of the friends she didn’t ghost she kept and they all kinda froze me out.
    It ended up she facebook messaged me a few years post college and kind of explained herself. We’re FB acquaintances now, but it’s pretty sad still. I was thinking about it just the other day, actually, while scrolling through FB. We’re both married now, but neither of us was invited to the others’ wedding. We’re just not friends anymore and never will be again.

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      ktfran October 17, 2016, 2:01 pm

      Ooh. What was the explanation? I’m so curious.

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        SpaceySteph October 17, 2016, 2:57 pm

        I don’t really want to air her personal business since my username is traceable back to the real me and therefore to our mutual acquaintances, but it amounted to my “perfect family” made her feel bad and embarrassed about her messed-up family and at 17 she didn’t really have any coping mechanism besides just stopping to talk to me.
        I don’t know that 17 year old me was capable of being the kind of support she needed at that point, either, but it makes me sad to think that she went through stuff alone instead. I don’t harbor any ill will toward her, just a general sadness that we’ll never be friends.

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        ktfran October 17, 2016, 3:06 pm

        Totally understand. And that’s really sad. I’m glad she reached out to you though, later.

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        SpaceySteph October 17, 2016, 3:20 pm

        I think about her all at World Series time especially. Because I was a Marlins fan and she was a Yankees fan because Derek Jeter was so sexy (you know, the usual reason) and we always talked about if our teams played each other how great it would be to have some good-natured trash talk. And then soon after she stopped speaking to me, what happens? The Marlins play the Yankees in the World Series.
        I made a little scrapbook with newspaper clippings from the games thinking that later, when we made up, I’d give it to her. It really was just like getting dumped by a boyfriend– that bargaining, denial, expecting that they’ll come to their senses and take you back.

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    anonymousse October 17, 2016, 2:18 pm

    My kindergarten best friend and I have gone through ups and downs, and I have always kind of been the giver in the relationship. That changed several years ago, when she abruptly moved to the city I was in and needed to crash with me in my shared house. I set some boundaries with her and my lifestyle had changed since we had spent time together. She was still kind of wild and drinking a lot and I just wasn’t…so it was a little rough I think, for her. She blew up at me once about how I was not as good to her as I used to be, I tried to make amends with a dinner for her and her girlfriend and she showed up totally trashed and barely able to sit on her chair and eat anything. So that was it for awhile, but we always make up and we’re still friends. She’s still searching for her purpose and what she wants, and even though I’m really settled we still have our friendship, and I think we probably always will.

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      anonymousse October 17, 2016, 2:43 pm

      Gah, some how I left out the part that as many other friendships have come and gone, with some unfair ghosting and weird reactions (one former friend distanced herself from me, and then took my place in a shared apartment situation, before all my stuff was moved out, and then battled me for possession of my belongings…really.) Even though this long time friend and I still have ups and downs, I am very happy we’ve always managed to come back together.

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    SLS October 17, 2016, 2:23 pm

    I wasn’t ghosted by a Bridesmaid, but hindsight being what it is, I wished she would have just said “no” when I asked. She was a majority of my stress through the entire wedding planning process, and she treated two of my other other bridesmaids terribly. I had to call her boyfriend to ensure she would actually be arriving in time for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner… in which she then proceeded to get snarky with the bartender because he wouldn’t give her fireball shots (face palm).

    After the wedding, or well after she left the wedding early to go partying elsewhere, I have no longer put effort into the friendship. I still follow along on facebook – I don’t think I would ever defriend her. She just isn’t worth keeping in touch with. Every once in a while when I think about it, like now because of this post, and it does make me sad because we were so close in college. But when I truly think about it I know it is for the best because our values have certainly drifted apart over the years.

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  • the_optimist

    the_optimist October 17, 2016, 3:05 pm

    My best friend of many years started pulling a slow fade when she got together with her now-wife. The first year of their relationship, I barely saw her and she flaked on almost all of our plans, usually without calling. I finally confronted her and things got better for a while, until I started hearing less and less from her. Fast forward about five years and at this point I’ve called and tried to make plans more times than I can count, and she’s either never returned my calls or promised to get back to me “when things are settled.” I decide to leave things alone. Then one day out of the blue I get a pleading text asking if I could correct her resume and cover letter for her, followed by two weeks of calls, texts, emails and IMs begging for more help on the job hunting front. It was right when I was dealing with some pretty heavy personal and professional crap of my own, and I couldn’t handle being totally used by someone I once thought of as a sister. At no point during this time did she ask how I was, or even if I had the time to help, and that’s when I realized I couldn’t deal. I told her I wished her the best, but that I couldn’t deal with this being our friendship anymore.

    I saw on Facebook recently that she got married, and a bunch of our mutual friends, many of whom I’ve also sort of lost because we’re not friends anymore, attended. That stung, since a part of me always thought I’d be there to celebrate with her. Sometimes I wonder if I could have handled things differently. And it hurts more than some breakups I’ve been through.

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    TheHizzy October 17, 2016, 3:28 pm

    I had a friend who invited me to a Christmas party with old friends once winter break. She told me to invite an additional mutual friend with us. The plan was I was to pick her up and all 3 go together. A hour before I was supposed to pick her up she told me her family didn’t want her to go and she had to bail. I never heard from her again. She blocked me on social media. Before this she and I would talk daily and were pretty close.

    I personally don’t know what happened. Mutual friends parents tell me they think she was jealous of my success because she thought I should have been the “ugly duck”in life on everything. I had a solid job, college almost done, a direction in life. And she was working as admin after graduating college, failing her LSAT and bouncing from job to job.

    I sometimes wonder how she is doing. It’s been 6 years now. Time flies.

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  • veritek33

    veritek33 October 17, 2016, 3:53 pm

    I think I’ve been ghosted by a good friend just this year. She and I met three yeas ago when we were both going through bad breakups and became super close. We would do lots of things together, hang out at each other’s houses etc.
    About 2 years ago she became a foster mom, which I think is awesome. My parents did the same when I was growing up so I was supportive. I would go over and help with the kids, help make dinner and do baths, have them over to my house for dinner, etc.

    Then a year ago she started dating a guy. Can’t say whether I like him or not because I only met him twice but it’s like she fell off the face of the earth when they started dating. They became a family with the foster kids. I would continue to invite her out for things and she’d always say she couldn’t or when she would come she never stayed for very long. I understand, babysitters are expensive.

    We had tickets to see a concert together this past spring that we had planned for months and she cancelled on me less than 24 hours before saying she just couldn’t leave the kids. I couldn’t find anyone else to go with me at such short notice so I ended up selling them. Later on in the spring we had work events that crossed over and we shared a hotel room but it’s like she avoided me the whole time. I barely saw her or interacted with her.

    The last I spoke with her was in August when I told her my job was eliminated and all she said was “did you cry?” And then never said another word. No texts, no phone calls, nothing.

    I miss her but I was the only one putting effort in. So I just stopped texting or calling her to see if she would and she hasn’t. I don’t know if it’s because of the kids or the boyfriend or if I did or said something that bothered her, but it hurts a little, especially since we were so close and I tried to help her out all the time with the kids and she literally hasn’t said a word to me since I lost my job. I don’t even know if she knows I have a new job.

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  • kare

    kare October 17, 2016, 3:55 pm

    I was ghosted by my best guy friend. Last year we discussed going to Iceland together. Shortly after this discussion, he got a new job and moved. We stayed in touch frequently up until February. I texted him to say I was planning to book the trip within the next week or so, but if he was unable to go with work and moving a few months before, that was totally fine. He said he still wanted to go on the trip and would text me the dates that worked best for him later that week. And then we never spoke again. Whenever he would be in town to visit, I’d text and say I’d love to get dinner or a drink if he had time. Nothing. He has since moved back to the area, but we still haven’t spoken. He had a lot of stuff going on with his close friends and family, so I don’t think it was an intentional ghosting. But still kind of sucks that the guys I’m closest to just do this sort of thing to me, intentional or not.

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    Ange October 17, 2016, 4:33 pm

    I had a friend do it, though it was also kind of mutual. She was always heavily invested in meeting a man and getting married, even when I met her at 19. She got a boyfriend just before the end of uni and she pretty much instantly disappeared, thankfully I moved away. Six years later they split up just before the wedding and she ended up in my city. I felt really bad for her so we resumed our friendship but again a couple of years later she met another man and disappeared again. By that point I was remembering why I was happy to let her go the first time – I was just a convenient place holder for THE GUY and she and her family had no qualms about using people that way – so I let her slip away. I was invited to her wedding but it honestly sucked and the little regard they had for the comfort of their guests solidified my loss of respect for her. Last contact I had with her she’d had a baby despite using me for free therapy about her terrible new husband for months beforehand. I congratulated her and we haven’t spoken since, in near on 3 years.

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  • Just Max

    Just Max October 17, 2016, 5:50 pm

    I guess I’ve done the ghosting.
    There is this group that I used to hang out with. We met a few years ago and I made it a point to attend whatever events they invited me to; I was looking to “put myself out there” and widen my circle of friends. In hindsight, I think I was trying to fit in with them without really knowing or considering if we had much in common to begin with.
    Over time, attending their gatherings or events started feeling more like an obligation; late nights, clubs, long and elaborate planning sessions where 6+ people went around in circles for days(!) trying to agree on a time and place to meet… It was exhausting to say the least.
    They are nice and friendly people, and I did enjoy their company for a while. One day, they invited me to an out of town day trip; the thought of all of those hours driving while listening to endless chatter gave me palpitations. I sort of gave them a lame excuse and went hiking instead. The quiet, fresh air, and exercise were invigorating and energizing!
    That’s when I realized (or accepted) we simply didn’t have much in common. After that outing, I just declined invites, and then I got a job transfer. Invites declined, too. We are still friends on FB, but that’s it. Not sure I’ll try to reconnect when/if I go back home.
    I have to say, I do feel guilty about distancing myself. They are all great people. Just not people I have much in common with, and it took me a few years to figure it out. I just can’t force myself to do things I don’t like or enjoy. Not anymore.

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    MoominOtter October 17, 2016, 6:01 pm

    It’s always painful when someone who you’ve allowed to really see you decides that they don’t want you in their life anymore. Particularly when we’re young, our friends may be the most important sources of affirmation, fellowship, and validation we have. I’ve been ghosted or outright friend-vorced a few times, some over a decade ago, and it stings to this day. Being vulnerable, as Brene Brown so eloquently discusses in her books and TEDtalks, is necessary but so terrifying, in part because of situations like these. It’s difficult not to take it personally, especially when our expectations about friendship may be shaped by unrealistic models. Which brings me to my query for all of you: Where did you get your expectations for (adult) friendships? What has surprised you about them? How did it differ from your childhood or adolescent friendships?

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    dinoceros October 17, 2016, 7:50 pm

    This isn’t my story, but I have a friend who was basically BFFs with our mutual friend. I tended to think the mutual friend just tolerated me because we all knew each other, but who knows. Anyway, mutual friend moved away and was a little flaky with calls and stuff, but that’s how she always was. She would tell my friend that she was going through a lot and that’s why she was kind of distant (it was like work problems), but to not stop trying just because she might forget to text back and not let her withdraw from their friendship. So my friend was like, OK, I can do that, because she’s an awesome friend. Fast-forward to now, where mutual friend hasn’t replied to her in probably like 10 months. At first, my friend was doing different things, like texting or leaving a message or sending an email just to say “I’m always here for you!” thinking that mutual friend was just in a rough patch. We were simultaneously seeing her post photos of herself having fun with friends and even coming back and visiting an acquaintance of ours, and eventually getting rid of Facebook altogether. And having several happy life changes. So, I think she was stringing her along friendship-wise, honestly, and I feel really bad for her.

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  • mandalee

    mandalee October 17, 2016, 7:54 pm

    I wasn’t ghosted by one bridesmaid but essentially three, all my lifelong best friends. There was always a current of jealousy and competition throughout our group of friendships but we were friends since nearly kindergarten so I always assumed we would somehow weather life’s changes.But when I was the first to get engaged and move away (but not the longest relationship by any means, which one friend loved to point out), the dynamic of our friendships got so hostile and it ended with all of them causing some serious drama at my bachelorette party and dropping out and throwing a party on the day of my wedding that they advertised on Facebook to celebrate not being there. And not like it matters, but I was not a demanding bride friend that went crazy, I asked them for literally nothing but just hoped it would remain drama free, and of course it didn’t.

    To save any mutual friends drama, I never mentioned the craziness that ensued before our friendships ended and tried to avoid any conversations about them. It definitely felt like a red letter I carried around on me, because it’s common to discuss breaking up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend but there’s really no outpouring of support for losing a friend or in this case, three. Like any other break-up, the passing of time helps and it helps to have created real, adult, no-drama, no-competition friendships in their place. It also helps that I still get (unwanted) updates about all the drama and in-fighting that is still going on and how I am so very happy not to be a part of it anymore. Despite of all that, it can be unsettling to lose people from your life who essentially held a big role in your history and how you came to be who you are.

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    • kare

      kare October 17, 2016, 9:41 pm

      They sound like bitches. Did you not have bridesmaids at your wedding (which sounds preferable the more and more I read)?

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      • mandalee

        mandalee October 18, 2016, 5:13 pm

        Sorry- I just saw all of these now! I did have 3 other bridesmaids, family and college friends, who I was mortified to expose them to this type of crazy. But yes, with the benefit of hindsight, I would say no to bridesmaids if I was getting a re-do haha

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      anonymousse October 17, 2016, 9:43 pm

      Holy shit. I’m sorry, but better off without those bitches, eh?

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      RedRoverRedRover October 17, 2016, 9:46 pm

      This is crazy! I can’t even believe people like this exist. Like, why would anyone want their life to be like that???

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      • mandalee

        mandalee October 18, 2016, 5:15 pm

        Yeah, if I didn’t have to Facebook to remind me that all of this went down (thank you social media!), I feel like I would have dreamed it up or something. I liken it similarly to a crazy toxic romantic relationship when are young, when you are in it, you have no idea how bad it is until you are out. Thankfully, my social life has been downright boring since.

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    anonymousse October 17, 2016, 9:47 pm

    I actually have ghosted from a lot of friends. When I was younger, I had a really traumatic experience with an ex, and as soon as I got out of the hospital, my brother brought me home to my parents house. After a month or so, we drove to the NE city I had been living in and packed up all my stuff and left. I never contacted any of my friends, except for a handful. I had just felt after all that time, when people knew what was going on with me and they didn’t reach out at all…how could I really call them my friend? It honestly was probably for the best.

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  • TheLadyE

    TheLadyE October 17, 2016, 10:04 pm

    This hits home for me because I’ve been dropped/ghosted by 3 women just in this past year. All 3 of them I knew from work; the one, in particular, I was incredibly close to for over a year and we called each other sisters. I even helped her leave an abusive relationship and bought her $200+ worth of groceries and necessities when she was struggling. I went to her apartment over the holidays last year when she was so depressed she couldn’t leave the house. She kept saying I was helping to keep her alive…but then this past March she just stopped talking to me. She would randomly tell me it wasn’t anything I did and that she wasn’t mad, but just going through hard time…and at one point I thought we were going to reconcile when she stopped me in the hallway and said she missed me and we had dinner…but it’s been pretty much radio silence since May. The worst part is that I really, really miss her. We weren’t that close for nothing; we actually connected and I have to see her every day moving forward and acting fine with everyone else while I wonder why she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. There’s only so much I can text her and ask to get together before I decided it was time to get the hint that she was obviously dropping me.

    With the other two, it was sad and unfortunate (and nothing I know of that I did wrong) but life circumstances changed and it’s just the way things go. I’m less broken up about them because they both tended to gossip a lot and I always wondered what they might be saying about me behind my back.

    My best friend from college and I live in the same town; we’ve stayed close(ish) despite some really difficult life circumstances and I actually reached out to her this weekend to ask if we can schedule time together intentionally at least every month because otherwise we just get so busy…even though we don’t even have kids yet.

    Adulting is hard…and I really miss my friend. 🙁

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      blink14 October 18, 2016, 9:02 am

      Sometimes when a person is very vulnerable and let’s someone else see that, it can be hard to maintain a relationship as they pull themselves out of whatever is going on. Its kind of like “you’ve seen me at my lowest, and I don’t want to be reminded of that” or they are simply embarrassed. Maybe she isn’t sure how to repay your kindness or feels embarrassed that she needed the help.

      It is weird that she’s basically totally cut you off and you still see each other, but perhaps she’s trying to separate her personal problems from work and felt that she got too close to you, as a co-worker.

      It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, I would just try to go about your daily routine as you normally would, there’s nothing else you can do at this point.

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    K October 18, 2016, 11:00 am

    I was “broken up with” by my best guy friend. At first I didn’t know why – he stopped answering my texts and blocked me on Gchat. It turned out his girlfriend, now wife, didn’t like me. I found this out when a few months after he cut off contact, she sent me a drunken Facebook message saying she “disliked me a lot”. He and I were really close for about 12 years. We never dated and I was never interested in him romantically (AT ALL!). His wife must’ve not liked how close we were – that we chatted often on Gchat or that he invited me along to a concert with his family and her. It’s been almost 3 years since we’ve talked. Our mutual friends (who he wasn’t as close with) got invited to his wedding. Somehow, I didn’t run into him at our 10 year college reunion in June. I just wish he would’ve sent me an email with an explanation instead of just ghosting. It would’ve stung a bit less, maybe. I still do miss him and just yesterday I heard that one of our favorite places to eat in college had closed. I wished I could’ve talked to him about it.

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    shakeourtree October 18, 2016, 1:06 pm

    This is a timely post. I am currently going through a friend breakup with a good female friend of 4 years. This summer, she started dating this guy who was a total dick to me and also is just…not that great of a catch tbh. The way she handled that whole situation showed me that her priorities were way out of whack, that she values having a man above everything else, no matter how poorly he treats her (or her friends). Then, two weeks ago, I told her that I’m going through a recurrence of major depression and that I’ve been having a really hard time. The next weekend was Hurricane Matthew, which hit a lot harder than expected. I reached out to her a few times that weekend as I was alone and had no power, and she barely responded. I figured she was loved up with aforementioned guy. I was right. On Monday morning, she texted me to say that she is “hypersensitive to negativity” and that it “got too hard” to be around me. But that I’ll get through this blah blah blah. So I think she thinks that we can be OK after this, but I’m done with her forever. This whole thing made me realize exactly how selfish she is and always has been. Everything always has to be on her terms. We do what she wants, when she wants, and she never accommodates anyone else’s schedule…except whatever douchebag she’s dating at the time. I have supported her through SO MUCH in the last few years, but when I really, really needed support, she was not there for me, so it’s time to move on.

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    Wendy (not Wendy) October 19, 2016, 2:05 am

    A friend from high school asked me to be her bridesmaid right after we graduated from college… I didn’t realize that the world of weddings had kind of changed right around then and suddenly people were expected to fly all over the place for friends’ weddings. That didn’t used to be a thing, especially for people who weren’t rich! I told her sorry, I couldn’t because I didn’t live in the area anymore (not sure if I explained that I was dead broke and couldn’t afford the flight–in my world that just wasn’t something people spent money on). I said it nicely but definitely, and only realized later that the tone in her voice when she said “You… can’t come?” was shock and hurt. Now I know that people don’t just turn down requests to be bridesmaids! She was pretty cool to me for years afterward, until she got divorced, and we’ve been friendly ever since then. I sort of wish I could apologize and explain, but obviously I don’t want to remind her of a time I hurt her OR of her bad first marriage, so I let it go.

    I did the thing someone mentioned above where I ghosted a friend after she really helped a lot during my sudden/traumatic divorce. At first I was too much of a mess to reconnect with her after I got away, and then it was just hard to go back to a such a bad time, even in my head. I really regret it and hope I eventually bring myself to figure out how to reconnect. I at least want her to know how eternally grateful I’ll be for her help. But I don’t want to write some sappy/dramatic letter, especially as the first line of contact.

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    • angelsiris11

      angelsiris11 October 20, 2016, 1:29 pm

      I feel like you could reach out to that friend and let her know how much you appreciated her help, but keep it short and sweet. I am sure she would appreciate it so much and love to hear from you!

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