Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

On Getting Knocked Down

middle finger

Yesterday’s impromptu discussion about women’s sizing and body image in general hit especially close to home for me. Nine months ago today I had my second baby and my body has not been the same since. I don’t remember this — losing weight, toning up, accepting myself — being so difficult after I had Jackson. But, I was four years younger; a lot has changed. (Like my boobs. Pushing 40 after birthing two kids is not for the faint of heart, y’all.) Anyway, it’s been nine months and my pre-pregnancy clothes are still tight. I don’t know that they’ll ever fit again. I run three to four miles two to three times a week, I ride my bike, I take exercise classes, I walk everywhere and log several miles a day on foot, I eat quinoa and spinach for breakfast, for crying out loud. I even just went ten days without a drop of alcohol (I know; desperate times and all). And still, this morning, as I tried on a dress from my latest Stitch Fix delivery — the one item in the box I thought might be flattering on me — Jackson told me I look like I still have a baby in my belly. So much for flattery.

Poor Jackson is on a roll. Yesterday, as he was playing with a couple of friends I invited over for a play date after school, he said he didn’t like me.

“I don’t really like my mom,” he said to no one in particular and for no reason at all as I stood nearby picking up his tiny Legos before Joanie choked on them.

“Jackson!” I said, “That’s not nice.”

“Well, I don’t,” he said again, shoving the knife a little deeper, “I like a Daddy a lot better.”

It’s hard not to take it personally — the years of playing second fiddle to the more fun parent, my body betraying me by having the audacity to age, my clothes not fitting as well. It’s hard not to internalize the negative messages I hear, even the innocent ones from a little kid who simply doesn’t know any better and surely doesn’t even realize how hurtful what he’s saying is. And it’s hard to always know where to direct the hurt feelings and frustration. I can’t very well tell my kid to piss off, so I gave some stranger the finger this morning instead. She almost ran me over as I was crossing the street on my jog and then honked at me even though I had the right of way, so she kind of deserved it. (It didn’t make me feel any better though).

Anyway, all this is to say, I’m feeling a little knocked down today and like I don’t have the answers (which is an especially tough spot to be in when I give advice for a living). I don’t like feeling vulnerable; who does? But maybe in sharing it, I can steal some of its power. It’s worth a try.

66 comments… add one
  • avatar

    RedRoverRedRover April 7, 2016, 3:13 pm

    Ugh, Wendy, I am right there with you. I never lost all the weight from my first baby, and now I’m 40 and pregnant and exhausted and pretty sure I’ll never, ever fit into my old clothes again. And I already felt fat after my first pregnancy, how the hell am I going to feel now after this one???

    As to the dad being the favourite… I’m at a complete loss on what to do with my son. It started by him just saying “I don’t want mommy” once in awhile when I came into the room. Then “I don’t like mommy”. Then crying for daddy when my husband wasn’t around. Now, almost every damn morning, he spends 20-30 mins crying for daddy when I go into his room to get him ready (my husband’s already started his commute by this time). Our morning routine has gone from like 45 mins to over an hour and a half. I can’t get him out of bed, he doesn’t want me there, he cries for daddy, there’s nothing I can do. I’m at my absolute wit’s end with this. At first my husband tried to reassure me that it’s just a phase, but it’s been more than 6 months! When is this going to end??? I am so sick of it that I end up getting angry with my son, which I hate doing. I’m already tired, I’m 8 months pregnant, I’m in physical discomfort almost all the time, I’m time-crunched because work has been crazy and I’ve been working nights and weekends, and I’m forced to spend an extra 30 mins of every day listening to him whine for my husband and not be able to stop it. It’s horrible. If anyone has any suggestions I’ll try literally anything.

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      _s_ April 7, 2016, 3:45 pm

      Oops, in case you miss my comment below: Can you have him call his dad every morning when this starts so dad can say “listen to your mom”???

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        RedRoverRedRover April 7, 2016, 3:49 pm

        That’s an idea. He’ll be commuting and doesn’t like using the phone in the car for safety, but maybe. I’m afraid it might make things worse, like once he hears daddy’s voice he’ll want him back even more. But we could try it for a few days and see if it helps or not. Thanks!

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        Jessibel5 April 7, 2016, 4:12 pm

        Probably a long shot and possibly not feasible, and I have no idea because I’m still cooking the first and have no experience, but can your husband, before he leaves, get your son ready, even if it means waking your kid up way earlier? Maybe once he realizes that it’s either get up earlier or sleep in more and then get Mommy to get him ready, he’ll decide on more sleep? Or is he still too young to realize the cause and effect?

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        RedRoverRedRover April 7, 2016, 4:18 pm

        Yeah, we considered that. He’s too young to understand the cause and effect (not yet three), and on top of that he’s always tired – the naps at daycare just aren’t enough for him. The tireder he is, the harder he is to handle. So it would mean my husband going in to work later, which means a longer commute (because he won’t be able to get ahead of it). Which means he’ll be home later and I’ll have to do bedtime, which will then cause the same problem (just at night instead of in the morning).

        I’m hopeful that when the baby comes this will sort itself out somewhat. First off, my husband will probably end up taking mornings with him and working shorter days for a bit while we settle into a routine. Second, my son won’t see me as much for the first month or so, since I’ll be breastfeeding and trying to sleep on baby’s routine. Maybe he’ll decide he misses me, lol. Third, it’ll just be a big change and adjustment for him, and maybe that’ll be enough to kick him out of this pattern. I hope so. Or maybe it’ll get replaced with something worse. 🙁 I guess we’ll see.

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        anonymousse April 7, 2016, 4:25 pm

        I would definitely say less sleep for a child is never the answer. Never.
        This is an aside, RR, but does he know and kind of understand a baby is coming?

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        Jessibel5 April 7, 2016, 4:57 pm

        Haha, thank you for that advice! I am not yet in the game, but it is looming, so I’m fully aware that I may have horrible ideas!

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        anonymousse April 7, 2016, 6:34 pm

        Ha ha, I didn’t mean anything by that. Some moms seem to have kids that don’t need naps or that stay up late(r), but in my world, sleep (for them) is a very important thing. My days are basically scheduled around their various naps…and it’s insane, but even getting out of sync for a day or two totally changes their attitudes and behavior, and makes some days very difficult. So even though I sometimes wish I wasn’t a slave to their schedules, we all benefit from it.

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        Jessibel5 April 8, 2016, 6:02 am

        Oh, I know you didn’t mean anything by that! 🙂 I was just like “oh, yeah, she’s right, that’s a TERRIBLE idea! Keeping sleep from a kid? What the hell was I thinking?” I’m not someone who gets hangry ever, but if I don’t get enough sleep? I’m like a toddler whose sandwich was cut in squares when I wanted triangles.

        At dinner last night, I sat across from a…how do I describe her…HEAVILY pro-breastfeeding woman last night who honestly terrified me with her insistence on what I should do and her advice. I turned to my husband and was like “it’s too late, these things don’t have a return policy, right?”

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        anonymousse April 8, 2016, 9:18 am

        Oh god, you meet so many people like that. You can only do the best for you and your family. It’s different for everyone.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 8, 2016, 11:12 am

        Ugh. Some people. I hate the hardcore breastfeeders. It’s like a friggin cult, honestly. They push it SO hard. I understand the pendulum needed to swing the other way (from formula being seen as the default, which it was for quite awhile), but they go way beyond what’s necessary. Not to mention that a lot of the things that restrict women from breastfeeding are things like they have to work but they don’t have support to pump at work. I mean, it’s not that all these women are choosing not to breastfeed, it’s that it’s unrealistic. Some women don’t want to, but a lot of women want to and can’t.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 7, 2016, 6:17 pm

        He does! He talks about his little sister, he knows she’s in mommy’s tummy and that she’ll be out soon. He’s also asked me if the baby is going to love him, which made me awwwwwwwww so hard! And he asked if he could sing her a lullaby! He’s so sweet when he’s not being stubborn as hell.

        And agree that less sleep is never the answer. He was at his grandma’s overnight last weekend and two of his cousins were there, and I’m pretty sure he got a lot less sleep than usual. That’s why this week has been so damn hard. It’s honestly to the point where I think it’s not even worth the night off, to deal with him afterwards when he hasn’t had enough sleep. My husband’s mom is old school though, with the attitude that kids can just “handle” not having enough sleep and that they can go to bed when they’re tired. My husband and I try to protect his sleep as much as possible, whereas she sees no problem with skipping naps and letting him stay up till 10pm. She thinks we’re crazy to be so anal about sleeping.

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        anonymousse April 7, 2016, 6:30 pm

        Ugh, boy. Sometimes I feel lucky to not have my folks or in laws breaking us out of our very protected sleep. That’s so cute! He’s going to be a good big brother. Every morning my son kisses the baby and hugs her. It’s pretty adorable.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 7, 2016, 7:10 pm

        Yeah, I can’t wait for that part of it! 🙂

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      anonymousse April 7, 2016, 4:21 pm

      This was a great article I recently read:
      http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2016/03/no-spanking-no-time-out-no-problems/475440/
      It doesn’t totally fit your issue, but in reading it, I learned to be more present and patient with my son. I hate it when I feel I’m being short or it as nice as I could be to him, when he’s just doing his normal stuff…anyway, after reading this, my days have been so much easier.
      I hope you can get a break soon. Sometimes, just my husband taking the kids for even an hour feels like a (very) mini vacation.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 7, 2016, 6:27 pm

        I read it. Useless for me. 🙁 My son has it all figured out. If we give him a choice between A or B, his answer is “nothing”. It doesn’t matter what tone of voice we use, we usually try for “fun and exciting” to get him to want to do it, but he doesn’t care. He also doesn’t care for praise. He ALSO doesn’t care if we get mad. In fact when we get upset or angry he thinks it’s funny. And he calls our bluffs all the time. Like at daycare pickup he won’t come with me, he wants to stay and play. I can’t force him because at this point in my pregnancy he’s too heavy for me to carry him down the stairs and out to the car. So I say “fine, I’m going to go then”, and he’s like “ok”. So I leave, I go down and drop the bags in the car, I wait another 5 mins or so, go back up…he’s happy as a clam. Couldn’t care less that I left. Whether we try to cajole him, get angry with him, whatever, he’s just like “no thank you” and does what he wants. It’s incredibly frustrating and I honestly don’t know what else to do with him. I’m hoping he grows out of it soon. I’d almost think he was autistic, or on the spectrum, except that he connects really well emotionally with the other kids, with his teachers, and with us too except when we want him to do something. He’s just not bothered by our anger and doesn’t care if he gets praise or not. Even outright bribery (with candy) doesn’t usually work. He’s the stubbornest kid I’ve ever seen. My mom had 5 kids and says the same thing, she’s never seen anything like it. 🙁 I hope #2 is more pliable, because this is just crazy.

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        anonymousse April 7, 2016, 6:37 pm

        Oooh, that does sound really, really hard.
        I’m sorry you are dealing with that! My son loves testing limits and boundaries, but luckily he hasn’t gotten that stubborn yet.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 7, 2016, 7:04 pm

        I did find some other articles that might help (I found that one when looking for some tips for dealing with him). We’ve been trying this one: when you want him to do something, connect with him first. Like, get interested in what he’s interested in, ask him questions, etc. Don’t just walk into the room and be like, time for school! Also, get him in a positive frame of mind by getting him to say yes. “Is that your yellow truck?”, “Can you show me how it makes noise?” etc. Then ask him to do what you want when he’s already in a positive mood. Ties in with the connecting thing too. So far it seems to be working a little. We’ll see if it continues to work.

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        anonymousse April 7, 2016, 8:30 pm

        That sounds good! I’ve really had to focus on centering myself to get through some of the not-so-fun stuff. It’s getting better. I hear you, though. It can be so hard sometimes. And I haven’t even been told I’m the worst, or I like daddy better yet. Ugh! I’ll probably be writing in the forums when that happens, and crying like a baby.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 7, 2016, 9:06 pm

        I have definitely cried, quite a bit. I’m sure Wendy has too. It’s tough to hear, even if you understand the developmental reasons behind it. Just google it and there are tons and tons of articles about it. I’m just glad I’m not a divorced mom… there are plenty of them out there asking what to do. 🙁 Can you imagine your toddler always crying for daddy when he doesn’t even live there anymore? Ugh, awful.

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        keyblade April 9, 2016, 11:11 am

        We’ve had a few comments like that before but I was on the other side of the coin. It really is just them having a feeling and not being able to explain it. It has nothing to do with him not actually liking you; its him saying he doesn’t like the situation and being out of control in how his life is structured. He just doesn’t have the capacity to explain it and black and white rejection and fighting against what is happening is more simple. With my younger son, I took pictures of him doing all the things he needed to do in the morning as well as a few pictures of him playing at preschool. The night before, we would look at the album and talk about the next morning. We would talk about what would be for breakfast and what clothes he wanted to wear. It seemed to help.

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      blink14 April 8, 2016, 9:45 am

      Just a thought – have you talked to his teachers about what is going on? Potentially they could be the “authority figure” when its time for him to leave school, making things easier on you. I was a camp counselor for many years and I had several kids over that time who would not listen to their parent at all for pickups or dropoffs (I was a bus counselor most of the time I worked there) but they would listen to me no problem. Sometimes just shifting the authority can help relieve some stress.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 8, 2016, 6:24 pm

        That probably would work, but the problem is that his daycare is a small one, and once kids start leaving for the day they merge two classes so that they can let one of the teachers go. Otherwise their shifts are too long and they’d have to hire an extra person. So anyway, he’s in the preschool room and they shift them down to the toddler room at 5:30. If he gets to the toddler room it’s all over, because the toys there are “new” to him and it’s impossible to get him to leave. So I’ve got to get there before that happens, and I typically make it just in time due to my work schedule. As I get there the teachers are taking the rest of the kids to the toddler room, leaving me alone in the room with him. And then he starts running around and doing whatever he wants and hence the problem. Now that I’m going on mat leave I’ll be able to get there earlier, so yeah, that’s probably an option shortly. His teachers also say he doesn’t listen though. 🙂

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        anonymousse April 8, 2016, 10:20 pm

        You should just sit down, pull out a snack and ignore him. Maybe he’d be intrigued by it, maybe not, but either way you get a teeny break!

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    Napoleon1066 April 7, 2016, 3:35 pm

    My six year old is all about the mean, “I like Mommy the best” or, “I like Daddy more.” He keeps switching between the two of us which makes it more bearable. We’ve been told by his child psychologist to just ignore him, which seems to have simultaneously worked and caused him to search for a new way to get a rise out of us. His new thing, to my chagrin, is “Daddy is so much smarter than Mommy.” I have to come down hard on that one every time- my wife cringes and starts plotting his death every time.

    I’d just like the record to show that he didn’t hear that from me.

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      anonymousse April 7, 2016, 4:26 pm

      Oh my. Some sass to look forward to!

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    _s_ April 7, 2016, 3:44 pm

    Can you have him call his dad every morning when this starts so dad can say “listen to your mom”???

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine April 7, 2016, 4:16 pm

    Wendy, I think you’re a rock star. You’re stunning inside and out, own it.

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      anonymousse April 7, 2016, 6:38 pm

      I agree! I think you look amazing in every photo you share, by the way.

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    Kate April 7, 2016, 4:20 pm

    Well, that all sucks, and I’m sorry. I’m 40 myself, and it’s hard not to notice the things that change about your appearance as you get a little older. And if you want to change those things, it’s not only harder, but a lot more expensive than it would be if you were 28. Like if you can’t lose weight through healthy eating and doing plenty of exercise, which you might have been able to before, then you could probably do it by going on some shake program and getting a trainer (I only mention the shake program because this woman I work with has been freaking out about the weight she put on after menopause at 50 and she said she’s just lost 8 lbs in a month on Shake 360. Our office manager is late 50s and her doctor told her she HAD to lose weight or get a new knee, and she went on Weight Watchers and lost 25 in 2 months). But you see, it’s more time consuming and harder and more expensive and it blows. And these women have older or grown kids so they have a little me-time even if they work full-time. I figure with the stuff I notice in my face or whatever, I could start going to a skin doctor and get a bunch of stuff done, but after going through the laser tattoo removal process a few years ago, I just can’t bring myself to deal with that shit yet.

    My motto lately as I struggle to get up to speed in my new role at work is, “Show Up and Shut Up.” Just keep showing up, doing what needs to be done, and not being difficult or calling undue attention to myself. I know that’s probably not relevant to your situation, but it’s kind of like that country song, if you’re going through hell, keep on going. You just have to.

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    memboard April 7, 2016, 4:31 pm

    Sadly jogging doesn’t burn that much calories. Get yourself a an exercise watch (like Polar) that counts the calories from heart rate. To loose a pound you need to burn 3600 Cals. You likely burn about 800 per hour. That probably means about 5h of cardio. You could loose a pound per week if you put your mind to it but it’s a lot of work.

    Don’t despair, just look at the data…

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  • veritek33

    veritek33 April 7, 2016, 4:38 pm

    I’m stuck on the scale too and I’ve been running and doing crossfit and using weight watchers and it’s discouraging. I’m down about 6 pounds this year but still about 15 pounds over my lowest adult weight and I don’t even have kids to attribute it to. It’s just not as easy as it used to be. All that to say, while I don’t have the same experience with kids, I feel your pain on the weight loss struggles and body image stuff.

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      jlyfsh April 7, 2016, 5:48 pm

      Second that. I was going to the gym so much at the end of last year, twice a day four days a week and at least once the other days. And then I did a whole30 in there and some other dietary changes. And while I saw results it was kind of like, that’s it. It can be discouraging some days. On the rough days I focus on how much better I feel. How many burpees I can do, the fact that a few years ago I couldn’t have even done one, etc. It still sucks some days, but I try to hold on to those things when the scale isn’t reflecting my effort.

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    Stillrunning April 7, 2016, 5:23 pm

    When he was seven, my son told me several times that I hated him, which made me feel terrible. I kept assuring him I loved him while asking why he’d say that. Maybe there was something going on that he didn’t have the words for, but I never did find out. This went on for about and week and then he stopped and never said it again.

    Exercise…maybe try boxing. I do it for a half hour once a week and it’s whittling down my waist like nobody’s business.

    and

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  • avatar

    Stillrunning April 7, 2016, 5:27 pm

    Little kids can be so sweet and so clueless.

    You are a beautiful and caring woman. I see it in all of your pictures and hear it in your advice.

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      anonymousse April 7, 2016, 6:40 pm

      You’ve said what so many of us think in such a lovely way.

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        Stillrunning April 8, 2016, 4:07 pm

        Thank you.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy April 8, 2016, 5:00 pm

      Thank you! That’s very kind.

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    anonymousse April 7, 2016, 6:50 pm

    It’s so hard to accept my new body as my body, but I’m closer and closer everyday. My hips, I’m sure, aren’t ever going to be where they used to be. So while they are now much wider, and all my clothes fit a little awkwardly…the thing that is driving me crazy is the boobs issue. Do boobs ever go back to their previous shape?

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      RedRoverRedRover April 7, 2016, 7:09 pm

      I think it’s like everything else – depends on the woman. I didn’t have a boob problem, but mine are small to start with (and haven’t really gotten bigger during the pregnancy either). So I think mine will go back to normal like they did the first time. My stomach on the other hand… pretty sure it’s here to stay.

      Also did you know that your friggin skeleton can change??? Like you might need a bigger bra band size because your ribs are literally moved out further. Which also will affect how your breasts sit on them. Same thing with your hips, they literally move and don’t always go back. And my best friend’s feet are a size larger than they used to be! This pregnancy thing is so crazy. I also got some curly hair, which is a pain in the ass because it’s like 3 locks of hair in the back, when the rest is all straight. My hairdresser said it’s curled right at the root, and even a straightener doesn’t take all the curl out! I’m hoping that after the birth it goes back straighter. Or the rest goes curlier. Or anything but this.

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        Kim April 7, 2016, 8:07 pm

        On the skeleton change, that totally happened with me during my first pregnancy. I carry high and my chest expanded 10 inches while pregnant (6 of that permanent). And I have small boobs, so it’s impossible to find 40B bras in the store, so now I have to order them online and hope they are comfy. My second pregnancy expanded 4 inches again, but it all reversed. So I’m still a 40B. The other problem I have is finding pants that are large enough, but don’t fall down because my body shape is weird after giving birth.

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        anonymousse April 7, 2016, 8:37 pm

        Me too on the pants thing! I honestly have one pair that fit okay…but I have to wear a belt and hike them up every two minutes. The next size down is magically way too small. Someone needs to make better fitting pants for the postpartum crowd.
        Okay, I’ll be honest, I had (pre babies) a small frame and small boobs, my frames a little bigger now, I’m still nursing…one boob is clearly bigger than the other. My daughter definitely prefers that one, and I’m seriously praying they go back to the same-ish shape and size. Weird to bring up, but there it is.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 8, 2016, 11:03 am

        Can you spend longer with her on the bigger one? I used to sit there with a timer and make sure I spent the same amount of time on each one. I know sometimes they’ll suck harder on one than the other, which could be the problem. So maybe keep her longer on the one that’s bigger so she takes it down a bit? Or pump it a little after?

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        anonymousse April 8, 2016, 11:16 am

        It’s the opposite, she spends way more time on the big one…and I’ve tried to equal it out, but it’s just not happening. Oddly, I think my son preferred the other.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 8, 2016, 3:00 pm

        Ah, I guess because she spends more time on it (or maybe sucks harder on it), it’s producing more in response to her. Maybe try pumping the smaller one? Get its production up? That’s kind of annoying though. Hopefully it’ll go away when your milk goes.

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        keyblade April 7, 2016, 10:43 pm

        What sucks is that cup size goes up with the band so like a 38B or 40B has a larger cup than a 34B. I end up trying on bras and going with the cup size that fits well and then I buy and actually sew on a bra extender.

        I bounced back from my first child really quickly but I still haven’t made it back to where I was before number two. I didn’t have the same energy or motivational reserve right after two was born and I had a two and half year old. Between trying to nap a newborn and take care of a tot/preschooler, I just didn’t have it in me to care for awhile. And my body did change in ways I found really depressing. I’m working on it now, but my joints hurt more after working out and my face and skin keep aging so I know I’ll never get fully back. I feel that way with my mental capacities, too. All the work I’m doing now is just to slow down the inevitable decline. Ugh.

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        RedRoverRedRover April 8, 2016, 11:02 am

        Using the bra extender is a really good idea! I used them during both my pregnancies, and actually my cups never got bigger, just my band size, so I wore my regular bras through till I started breastfeeding. I bought new bras after, but maybe I can just keep on with the extenders.

        And that’s my exact worry after having the second. I hate exercising anyway; how much will I want to do it when I have my toddler AND a baby? I did get an elliptical machine, which helps because I don’t have to leave the house. But I was only doing it on and off before I got pregnant the second time, and hardly at all during the pregnancy. I’ve been so busy, and so tired, and had so much muscle pain that I just couldn’t get up the energy. I hope that once I’m done work (3 days to go after today!) that I’ll get more into it.

        And I hope my brain comes back. I have pregnancy brain right now, and my main symptom is that I can’t think of the word I want, half the time. You should see my google search results – half the entries are looking up a word and then “thesaurus” or “synonym” because my brain is such a blank. Or sometimes I just look up “word used to describe dadadadada” because I can’t even think of anything close to the word I want. So annoying.

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        va-in-ny April 8, 2016, 9:47 am

        During my mom’s third pregnancy, her hair went from a medium brown to jet black. She said it was the strangest thing ever, because it started to grow black from the roots, like she had a bad dye job!

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        RedRoverRedRover April 8, 2016, 10:55 am

        My mom’s hair went from stick-straight to wavy. She also lost all the strength in her nails. She’d always had super-strong nails, and after her 5th kid, who was pretty big, they went weak and broke all the time. They’ve never gotten back to strong. Such weird, random things that happen. My nails are strong, I hope the same doesn’t happen to me! I think maybe that we take prenatal vitamins now might help. I’m guessing she didn’t have enough calcium.

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        anonymousse April 8, 2016, 11:30 am

        My hair is crazy. I have reddish blond hair naturally. It’s all falling out now, and there is dark, dark brown and what seems to be black hair growing in…

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        RedRoverRedRover April 8, 2016, 11:38 am

        A ton of mine fell out – at least a third, maybe more. My ponytail was so much smaller. But it came back the same colour at least. So weird!

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      • kare

        kare April 8, 2016, 10:55 am

        I read a book on forensic anthropology, and the author explained he could tell the age and sex of a skeleton from a quick glance. Plus he could tell whether or not the person had ever given birth. It was really fascinating.

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  • kare

    kare April 8, 2016, 9:34 am

    I’m sorry you’re having a rough week. Although I have to say, I follow you on instagram and think you look amazing. Motherhood suits you.

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    Anon April 8, 2016, 10:02 am

    Look for a NP who can help you with bioidentical hormone replacement – or order progesterone cream online and follow the instructions – you’ll lose weight and feel better.

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    girltuesday April 8, 2016, 10:51 am

    Wendy, I can’t really relate because I’ve never been pregnant, but I think you’re a beauty and a total rockstar!

    Side note – My mom LOVES to tell the story of when I walked up to her at a family party and exclaimed, “Mommy, you’re FAT!” (which she wasn’t, this was like 5 years after she gave birth to me and lost her baby weight). I probably saw some stupid cartoon on TV and thought it was funny and “adult” to repeat it. Kids are like sponges, you see something on TV and repeat it – even if you don’t know what it means.

    About a decade later, at 16, I was a brat and got in a fight with my mom and said, “I WISH I LIVED WITH DAD!” (They have been divorced for quite some time at this point). My mom’s eyes welled up and she left the room. I still think about that day and feel pretty bad about it. She was alone, busting her butt and raising a teenager, so OF COURSE she got frustrated sometimes and it wasn’t always roses and bonbons.

    What I’m trying to say is, kids and teenagers say stupid shit, but they still love you and think you’re awesome.

    Keep up the great work!

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    Amber April 8, 2016, 12:29 pm

    I’m sorry you’re having a rough week.

    My son is like that sometimes, too. Some days he’ll ask me not to go to work, to spend time with him, and when I tell him I can’t, he’ll start crying. But when the time comes that I can spend time with him, he’d rather spend time with daddy, do what daddy wants.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray April 8, 2016, 2:57 pm

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, Wendy. For what it’s worth, you looked super hawt and in great shape in that one photo you posted of yourself playing ping pong in pink heels.
    *
    I’ve been feeling a little blue lately too. I’m completely out of shape and look and feel terrible. I’ve been eating terribly and not working out and I can’t seem to break that habit. Plus, the other day I just felt very overwhelmed. I got a “final notice” (for the first time) of an impending tax sale because my taxes weren’t paid last year. (What the fuck, mortgage company? Hopefully they figure it out before my condo gets sold out from underneath me.) At the same time, I was trying to get my taxes done for the year, and at the same time trying to figure out how to pay, and how much to pay, for unemployment insurance and income taxes for my nanny. And it all (“all” being the stress of paying bills, paying the nanny, making sure taxes and what not is all done, going to work, taking care of the baby and dog, etc. and doing it all solo) just sort of got to me. For the most part I handle it all well, but ugh that “final notice” really got my stressed out. That plus I’m on my own these days with the kiddo. I miss my family! And the other day when I got home and the nanny left, the baby cried! (Actually, he doesn’t ever cry, but he looked really sad and made a dramatic “i’m sad” pout.) (Ouch.) I’m sad because I sense the baby is happier when my loud chaotic family is around. I’ve got a condo with 3 extroverts (Moose definitely is an extrovert too), and the silence is very sad. We need noise and people around! So, who wants to come visit us? Anyone? Anyone?

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      jlyfsh April 8, 2016, 6:39 pm

      Sorry you’re having a rough week with all of the AP! Your baby loves you and he loves people because he’s just like you! 🙂 Hope you get lots of cuddle time in with him this weekend!!

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom April 9, 2016, 7:39 am

      If he’s sad when the nanny leaves it means you’ve picked a great nanny. Babies are meant to bond with whoever they spend their time with and if he misses her when she leaves he’s bonded with her the way he is supposed to. It means he is in loving hands during the day. I know it hurts but it would be far worse if he didn’t miss the nanny at all. He may also be doing the same little sad face when you leave in the morning unless he’s asleep when you go. It means he has more love in his life and babies thrive on love.

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  • Northern_Coast

    Northern_Coast April 9, 2016, 4:21 am

    Wow, your kid is… not diplomatic! Haha! This would hurt me as well. If it helps at all, I’ve been a long time reader (mostly lurker) for about 4 years, and every single time you’ve published photos of yourself, I thought: Wow, she’s very pretty!

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    Brise April 9, 2016, 4:59 am

    I discovered recently spinning classes. Very good and stimulating for keeping in shape. You burn a lot of energy without realising it (suffering) too much, thank to the music and the group. But well, all women past their 35th birthday know the shape problem!

    When your son says such things, perhaps you or your husband can remind him that in a family, there is no ranking in love. The heart is big enough to love both your daddy and your mum. And that every child needs a mother and a father, to love them both and to be loved by them both as you do.
    It is normal that he is more looking for his father as a boy, especially if he sees him a bit less. He needs to develop his identity by taking his distances with his mother – then with both of his parents, believe me. Our son is 16 and he went through a phase where both parents were so boring. A little child doesn’t know how to express it. Perhaps reminding him that there is no love hierarchy would reassure him on that level.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom April 9, 2016, 7:50 am

    I think that you should ask Jackson why he says whatever comment he makes when he makes a comment like that again. He’ll probably tell you something about how he wished he could do X, Y or Z with dad or wishes dad wouldn’t leave him all the time to go to work or he is blaming you for dad going to work. He might see you as the “big boss” of the family, the person who is the decision maker and to him that would mean that you decide dad goes to work and he resents you making dad go to work with no real understanding that someone has to be going to work and that you and his dad can’t take turns going to dad’s job. If he sees you and Drew both doing things around your home he may see you both as able to step in to do any job without understanding that you can’t both do dad’s job. He may see you as the rule enforcer and think that dad wouldn’t make him do X or would allow him to do Y. It could be many things and you are most likely to find out why he is saying what he says if you ask. I don’t know if he would give you much of an answer but he might.

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    keyblade April 9, 2016, 9:45 am

    Hi, Wendy, I’m reluctant to comment. I think a lot of times parents need a place to vent without judgment.I know that when I’ve tried to talk about something going on with my kids so often I get suggestions I’m not really looking for. But in case you aren’t like me and you would like some ideas, I think if one of my boys said something like that I would wait until later and have a talk with him. I might look through the library for some books on manners and feelings and maybe a book on how people look different. I would try to explain that it is okay to notice other people’s body but it is rude to comment. As for comparing you to Drew, I’d ask Drew to tell him that it isn’t okay for him to do that and he expects him to not say things that hurt your feelings. I think if Drew starts shutting down talk that isn’t respectful to you, it might help Jackson understand that comparing you unfavorably to dad, is not a compliment to dad.

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    Kate April 9, 2016, 11:35 am

    I really don’t think I did like either of my parents very much growing up. I mean I understood they were my parents and I needed them or whatever, but I wasn’t a loving, demonstrative kid by any means and to be honest they really pissed me off a lot of the time. I didn’t LIKE them. They forced a ton of activities on me that I didn’t want to do, also. Like I was extremely seasick and uncomfortable on this boat they bought when I was little, but I’d have to spend the whole day on it anyway. And I was cold and scared skiing but they wanted to do that so I did it too. And I fucking hated camp and the stupid road trips we took in the minivan. I told them when I was 15 I wasn’t going on those trips anymore and I just stayed home.
    .
    I don’t think with families there’s any guarantee that you’re going to like each other. I mean, if you do, that’s great, but it’s not required.
    .
    BUT I do like and appreciate my parents as an adult. And that’s the majority of my life with them, so that’s something, right? I just needed some distance from them and the ability to do my own thing.
    .
    I think with the little boys we’re talking about on this thread, it’s probably a phase, acting out, they *do* like you but you frustrate them at times and they don’t know how else to express it. I can imagine how hard it is, but I would guess it’s temporary.

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      keyblade April 9, 2016, 11:45 am

      I don’t blame you for resenting them. It’s hard to get along with people that refuse to lend any validity to your first person experience. I wouldn’t have liked them, either.

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        Kate April 9, 2016, 12:37 pm

        Ha! That’s a good way to put it.

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