It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss cheating, mixed signals, and financially supporting a significant other.
My boyfriend and I met my freshman year of college and we were dating by the next semester. We have now been together for just over two years. He graduated the year we met and moved about 5 hours away. He works long hours overnight, so when he is not working, he is sleeping, and we don’t have many opportunities to talk. The long distance has been really tough on me because he’s not as good at telling me how he feels as he is about showing me.Everything is going along smoothly and seems to be heading in the direction of us being together for a very long time. The only problem is that I am not ready. I miss being a single girl even though that’s mostly attributed to my raging hormones. Did you enjoy/learn from your single life? I want to be with him and I don’t want a relationship with anyone else, but I also want to have fun and enjoy being young while I can. I had been meaning to have this discussion with him when last night I got really drunk and slept with someone else. I know I have to be honest with him. I know I just maybe messed up the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wasn’t ready. Clearly. — Oopsies
Wow, talk about burying the lede (i.e. that you cheated)! Break up with your boyfriend and enjoy the single life you — and your hormones — crave. If you two are meant to be together, you’ll have a much better chance at a successful relationship if you wait until you’re ready.
I met this guy about a month ago at church. He gave me his number and we’ve been talking back and forth every day since then (texting, primarily). We talked on the phone only four or five times. He doesn’t call. I don’t want to call him too much to scare him off. Sometimes I text him and all I get is the response “busy.” He doesn’t ask me any questions about me except how my day is. But the next moment he could be calling me a queen. I’m very confused at his signals. Any help or suggestions? Mixed signals suck (not to mention he lives five hours from me). I tried to break up with him and tell him I wasn’t feeling the distance thing and he told me no. So I don’t know if I should just call it quits or am I just being led on. — Tired of Mixed Signals
How do you “break up” with someone you hardly know? Texting does not a relationship make, so there’s nothing to “break up,” and you’re certainly not being “led on” if the guy rarely calls you, doesn’t ask anything about you, and only returns a handful of your texts anyway. Since you live five hours apart and already feel grief over a “relationship” that never was, just save yourself the drama and MOA.
I have been with a man for five years now, and though we’ve had our ups and downs, we have learned through the years how to communicate well and respect each other as best we can. He says he feels close and comfortable with me and I return that feeling for the most part. The main issues are his 7-year-old son whom he has every weekend, and of greater impact lately: money. As I have a salary job and he owns his own contracting business that has had leaner times for several months now, I tend to pay for most things like vacations and going out, but then am mad at myself afterwards. At Christmas, I paid for everything at a big party we gave (his other two grown daughters came by) – wine and food all paid by me. I bought him a dryer when his broke down. I have been paying for his weekly groceries for almost two months (which are $160.00 a pop), and loaned him $1,000 to pay some bills last month. Also, I have taken him out to dinner many times in the last few months – on the random Friday night that I see him — as something fun for us. I am obviously sick of spending so much of my money and have told him this. He understands and is trying his best to find work. I don’t want to let him starve of course, but what am I to do if this continues? Should I just leave him? I feel bad about the whole thing, but feel I can’t keep throwing my money towards his needs, while I would rather be saving my money. I would really love your advice. — The money Pit
Quit enabling his financial dependency on you!! He’s a grown man and father of at least three offspring, so surely he can figure out how to pay for necessities, like his own groceries. And for the non-necessities, like dinners out, vacations, and a dryer in his home — I mean, seriously, has he never heard of a laundromat? — you need to let your boyfriend fend for himself so he’s motivated to make a living.
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