About two years ago, he said he was ready to have a baby. I was too, so I was delighted. We agreed that we would only have one. We discussed it and thought that would best fit our lifestyle, allowing us to enjoy being parents, while also allowing us to continue traveling and doing the things we like to do together.
Luckily, I got pregnant pretty quickly, had an uneventful pregnancy, and, a little over a year ago, our baby was born. This last year has been amazing. It hasn’t been all puppies and rainbows, but, overall, we’ve had a fantastic time being parents. We’re both totally in love with our little one, and my husband is head over heels, doting, fun, etc.
Here’s where I need the advice. I thought I’d be fine with one, but after having our first and getting through the first year relatively unscathed, I feel so passionately about having a second, for so many reasons. I love being a parent. I stay home with him full-time right now, which has worked out so well for us. I feel like I’m doing something I was meant to do. I was meant to be a parent. I’m better at this than I was at any job I’ve had before. I love him so much that I want him to have a sibling. I want to see him be a big brother. I’m afraid of something happening to him and my no longer ever being a parent. I’m worried that someday, when we’re both gone, he won’t have anyone in his immediate family left. Or that, when we’re older, all the burden will fall on him alone.
I know these are not all rational reasons but are more emotional. It really came clear to me when we had family pictures taken on his first birthday. Looking at three of us, I had this flash that someone was missing. That there should be four. After that, I’ve been obsessing over it in my head, going round and round. I’m older and, if I want this to happen, we should be having a second in the next year to two years, I think.
My husband knows that I would now like to have a second. He is convinced that he only wants one. As happy as he is with our son, he just doesn’t feel like there’s any reason to have a second. And that we’d be gambling to try and get a healthy baby a second time around (I’m 34 and he’s 39). That kids cost a lot of money and why spread our resources thinner (by any average measure, we can certainly afford it). That he wouldn’t be as interested the second time around, because it’s all new and different the first time, but he would be jaded with a second and wouldn’t care as much. That it would be too much mess and chaos.
On a side note, he works about 55ish hours a week, so the bulk of everything house- and kid-related falls on me. And, for the most part, I’ve been totally fine with this. Even with having a newborn, my husband never got up in the middle of the night with our baby, etc., since I was breastfeeding and there was really no point. So I expect it would be similar with a second. There wouldn’t be a whole lot of sleepless nights for him at all.
He said he’s thought a lot about it and he really, really just wants one. He’s been pressuring me to get rid of all the baby stuff, but so far I’ve been resisting. It seems silly to get rid of it this soon. I just feel as though, if he changed his mind once about even having kids, maybe he’ll change his mind again.
We haven’t had a full-on serious discussion, more like off-handed chats, usually interrupted by other things. But he’s been pretty clear. He keeps asking if this is going to be an issue between us further down the road. Like, will I resent him for years and bury it, then bring it up. I’ve been reluctant to have a sit-down, serious discussion yet because I wanted to wait at least 18 months before getting pregnant again anyway and I don’t want to full-on pressure him about it. He doesn’t react well to that kind of thing. I was ready for our first for about a year before he came around to it, and he said later that he really appreciated that I let him come to it in his own time and feel ready and that I didn’t start laying down ultimatums or bringing it up all the time. I was relaxed about it. Just about the opposite of how I feel now! I feel kind of desperate, a little obsessed, and like time is ticking away.
So I guess my question is: How do you think I should approach convincing him to have a second (if we get lucky again and can have one)? And failing that, how can I move on, not feel resentful, and just find happiness with only three of us? — Wants a Second