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long distance

In the recent article, “Moving for Love: The Modern Relationship Milestone,” the author asserts that: “With employment prospects for twentysomethings in short supply and more couples delaying marriage, people are facing [the dilemma of moving for a partner] at a younger age, usually before they’ve made a legal commitment to one another. In fact, the decision to pack up and leave together could probably even be considered a new relationship milestone, falling somewhere between ‘cohabitation’ and ‘engagement’ on the seriousness scale.” I’d also add that in this era of online dating and the ease and convenience of long distance communication (texting, emailing, FaceTime, Skype, etc.), more and more people are meeting and dating across bigger distances than ever before and are ultimately facing decisions about whether to move for love.

I myself have experienced the moving-for-love scenario twice. The first time was when I was 24 and my then-boyfriend moved with me from Missouri to Chicago. We’d been dating less than a year, hadn’t lived together yet, and didn’t really have any illusions of being together forever or anything. I mean, I don’t think either of us was thinking we were necessarily destined to not be together; we just weren’t really thinking further ahead than moving to a new city and having an adventure. I was already planning to move when I started dating him, and he said he was up for a move, too, if our relationship was serious enough by the time I left to entertain the idea of us going together. And it was and we did. The relationship didn’t last though.

But then a few years later I met Drew, who lived over 800 miles away in New York. We did the LDR thing for a year and a half, and then I moved for love. I was seven years years older than when I moved to Chicago, wiser, and more invested in the future of my relationship. This time it worked out — we’ve been a couple for eight years next month and married for 4 1/2 years now.

Anyway, I was curious about how many of you have experienced — or have considered — moving for love. I get so many letters from people asking whether they should move for love, and I know many of them do. So, if you have, are you glad you did? Did the relationship(s) last? Did you like where you moved? What kind of effect do you think building a new life in a different place had on your relationship? For me, it was such a test — at least the second time around. I sacrificed a lot to move to NYC, where I hardly knew anyone and didn’t have a job. It was a really tough transition and it took a toll on my relationship at first. But committing to a certain amount of time here and relying on — and getting — great support from Drew brought us a lot closer and helped solidify our bond. But, what was YOUR experience? Poll below:
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Bunny boiler

I have been in a relationship with a guy for 10 months now. Four months ago his brother went to jail for protesting against the government. He is still detained. My boyfriend has changed completely since then and it’s getting worse. He started off by saying that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He no longer talks to his friends. He has been socially withdrawn by all means.

A month later he told me he doesn’t know whether he doesn’t love me anymore or if he is just confused because of what’s happening in his life. I told him that it is totally normal being confused in his case and that I will remain by his side whenever he needs anything and that I don’t want him to offer me anything or make any effort to make me happy until he feels well again.

A month later he repeated his words again. He said that he is not happy because he is not making me happy. He said that he doesn’t want to be a burden in my life. He asked me if I needed a break, and I refused and told him that I am here to remain by his side and that I won’t leave him when he’s having a hard time only to come back when he is happy.

Later, during the same month, he visited a counselor, but he always refuses to talk about it. Today we talked again. I was very mad at him because I didn’t like the way he treats girls at college — he is being so friendly that everyone has started commenting about it. He said he was trying to gain his old life back again (the life he had before we were even together). And then we repeated the same conversation again, and he suggested that we take a break. I refused and told him to choose between two things: either we save the relationship and he should start to respect me more, or we end it. He said he will try to fix things. But later I learned that he told my friends weeks ago that he wants to break up with me but doesn’t want to upset me.

I am very confused. I don’t know what he wants. Yesterday was the first time he went out with his friends in a very long time. He sleeps a lot. He doesn’t study. He is failing in almost all courses. We don’t go out. But it’s hard for me to know when he is sad because he’s funny and cracks jokes all the time. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him. Please advise me!! — No Need for a Break

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It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from Not My Mother’s Keeper who was feeling pressured by some family members to invite her estranged mother, who physically and emotionally abused her growing up, to her upcoming wedding. “They are worried [...] that she may commit suicide if not invited. Also, they believe I will regret not inviting her. Keep reading to see whether she invited her mother or not and if she regrets her decision.
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DR RAMANI

Last week, I posted about a new show aimed at helping couples resolve cheating issues within their relationship. Today, I’d like to share a few words from the producers:

Our new show is focused on helping couples heal their relationships. This is not a sleazy talk show; this is going to be a one-hour special on a major cable network. The host of the show, Dr. Ramani, will be traveling to each couple to discuss how their interactions online may be causing a rift in the relationship. Those who apply should be serious about reconnecting with their partner and working through their issues.

A new survey came out saying 80 percent of women think their boyfriend or husband is cheating on them ONLINE through social media. This is a huge problem that we feel is becoming more and more prevalent in relationships, yet few people are publicly discussing it.

Dr. Ramani has a passion for others and truly wants to help these couples. The goal of the show is to bring this issue to light and help not only the couples involved but also couples who will be tuning in to the program. Dr. Ramani is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor of psychology. She has a passion for helping others to live their happiest and healthiest lives.

Again, this is NOT some sleazy reality show. It’s a one-hour special where this issue will be discussed in the hopes of genuinely helping others.

If you feel this could apply to you, or you just have questions about the show, we’d love to speak with you. Please email OnlineLoveHelp@rtvshows.com

This post is sponsored by Relativity Television.

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the-bull-ring-chippy

I’m in a situation where nobody seems to be giving me the right advice. So I hope you can help! My live-in boyfriend and I are a very happy couple. I love him so much and he loves me. We are both at a stage in our careers where we are working a crazy amount of hours and are hardly seeing each other.

Yesterday he sprung on me that he is staying with his best friend “Angela” for the night. Don’t worry–because I love her, she’s lovely, and I am not worrying about anything inappropriate between them. However, I am worrying as he didn’t tell me in advance and just kind of told me the way it was without considering me. And he is spending the whole next day with her as well as the day after that, which happens to be a day off for both of us, which NEVER happens.

I know it’s his day off and he can choose to spend it any way he likes, but I am upset that he didn’t even think of me. He gave me £10 and said, “Buy yourself a chippy,” and out the door he went without a backward glance. I just need help on how to talk to him about this without upsetting him. What do you think? — Unsatisfied with a Chippy

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