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My fiancé, “Dan,” (28) and I (24) have been together nearly three years. Before we met he moved in with his mom to help her out after her divorce. I also live with my single mother as I was broke after college. Now his mom is talking about selling her house and my fiancé has every intention of buying it. He wants me to move in and I do not want to live there under any circumstance, especially considering he intends to co-buy it with his brother (30) and his brother’s girlfriend. His mother also has no plans for after she sells, and she has even suggested she just stay and rent a room.

Dan is just absolutely hung up on the idea of a house without a mortgage despite the fact that he recently came into a great deal of money. I understand a mortgage can be financially trying but many people seem to manage. Also, he said he’d rather use this inheritance to buy things and go on trips instead of spending it on a mortgage. He has already spent a good portion of it on “man toys.” He could be using this money to buy a place of our own, and trips and toys are of little importance to me.

This house will never feel like my own. It is full of his family’s things and memories. I am not comfortable living with his family and I don’t care for the house itself. He is a very busy person who likes to help out others at the expense of our time together, and I feel that, if we lived elsewhere, maybe we could focus on us and our future. Our relationship already revolves around him and his schedule, and I am expected to adjust so he can go about without any change to his life.

I don’t want to get married until we live together, alone, in our own home. Some place neutral and new where we could establish ourselves and find stability before we take the leap. I do not want to move from the area, but all of his neighbors and friends are centered here and I feel like I am just an addition to his collection he has gathered around him.

I have absolutely no say and there is no compromise. His mind is made. I am the one who looks bad for putting our life on hold by refusing to move in. I suggested he live there only for a short while to save money for a different place and he says maybe one day, like five years from now. This would mean pushing back getting married, having a family, and our life together in general. This house is apparently more important than me, and it hurts that he won’t consider my opposition. Why do I have to make change and not him? How can we make an equal life together when he is obviously just incorporating me into his? — Put On Hold

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I have been dating the same guy for 1.5 years. The moment we met, we instantly hit it off. Last month, we got engaged. It was a great engagement for two weeks. Then, the fights started happening, primarily because of our parents fighting about certain things. Last week, we started arguing again (about the same issues that involve my parents, his parents, etc). It got into such a heated argument that I was entirely fed up and walked out. Before walking out, however, I gave him back the engagement ring, the promise ring he gave me, and the diamond pendant he gave me as a Christmas gift. I actually only gave the last one because he said, “If I were a petty man, I’d ask for the pendant back.”

It was his birthday weekend, I had just ended our engagement, and I felt terrible. On top of that, we had tickets to fly to Houston for his birthday weekend and clearly we weren’t going.

We reconciled on Monday with the intention of seeking couples counseling. We understood that we did not know how to communicate with each other nor understand how to resolve issues. We have been slowly trying to get back to normal, but today we hit another rock. He told me, “When your birthday comes around, I’ll be going to New Orleans like we planned… but I don’t want to travel with you. You can stay here and do whatever you want with your friends, but I don’t want to go anywhere with you anytime soon.” I asked him if he was saying this out of spite, or as punishment, and he said, “Well, you ruined my birthday, I don’t want to be near you for yours.”

I was literally in tears when he said these words. He constantly says he’s not “Out to hurt/punish me,” but something doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t know if I could marry someone who could talk that way to his spouse.

I am in this for the long run and I was willing to work on “us,” but I don’t know how much longer I can endure this punishment. When I told him how he hurt me feelings, he simply responded by saying, “Too bad.”

Am I wasting my time? Please help. I desperately need some sound, solid, and direct advice. — Punished By Fiancé

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This week in the forums, we’re discussing:

Am I overreacting?

Boyfriend with past of lying. Am I overreacting?

Break up text message

Second date or no date ???


Beating Loneliness Alone

The puppy has landed

How do we feel about teasing in a relationship?

Think I’m going crazy…

What a difference two years can make

Am I Being Insecure?

Your opinion on cleaning clothes, post-sex bed, etc.


NE Ohio — TODAY!!

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.



My wife and I recently found out that my sister organized a surprise birthday party for my mum’s and dad’s 70th. It was arranged while my wife and I were on our honeymoon, so we missed out on celebrating with them. My wife found out by accident while talking to a couple who attended on the night (around a month and a half after the party). Nobody told us before the event, and my mum, dad, and sister never mentioned anything after we’d returned. It was kept as some kind of secret! When my wife found out and told me, I rang my sister straight away. She didn’t answer, so I texted her and she replied that she had texted me in the summer saying she was “thinking of doing something for mum’s and dad’s birthday.” I told her that I’d never received the text, which is the truth.

My wife and I are totally gutted and really upset by my sister’s actions. When I tried to speak to my mum and dad about what had gone on, they said they didn’t want to get involved but they defended my sister by saying, “You never reply to her texts!.” I told them I’d never received the text in question and I tried to reason that, even if she had texted me and I hadn’t replied, she should have rung me to say she was going ahead and organizing a party as we’d have liked to have paid half towards it. When I asked why she’d organized it for when we were on our honeymoon, she said that was the only date available. This is a lie as my wife checked with the venue and there was only one Saturday booked in the month!

I cannot get my head around all of this as we have no history of falling out. We have always gotten on. I feel confused and angry that my sister would alienate us like this, and I don’t know where we go from here. My sister, along with my mum and dad, think she hasn’t done anything wrong and can’t see my wife’s and my point of view. It is now at a stalemate with my sister as she refuses to apologize for her actions as she doesn’t think she has done anything wrong. I look forward to hearing your reply. — Kept Out of the Surprise

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DEAR WENDY gift guide holiday2

The holidays are upon us and I am fast at work on this year’s gift guides. (Ok, full disclosure: I’ve been so busy with the move that I’ve barely just started on the gift guides, but I still hope to be done by the first week of December). I thought this year it would be fun to have a gift guide 100% contributed by the men of DW with their ideas for all the men in our lives (boyfriends, husbands, brothers, friends, etc.). So, men of DW, I need your help! If you’d like to contribute a few ideas (even just one is great), please send the name of the product, a link, and what you like about it (bonus: if you can suggest what kind of guy the product would be good for, that would be cool) with the subject link “MEN’S GIFT IDEAS” to me at wendy@dearwendy.com. Oh, and if you want to include your DW commenter name, please do, so people can see who recommended what. Thank you! I can’t wait to see your suggestions!!

P.S. Women of DW can send ideas, too, but I will probably include them in the regular men’s gift guides. Please let me know if you’d like to be attributed for your recommendations. (I’d do a simple, “Recommended by DW reader, Cassie,” for example).