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My husband and I have been married for several years now. He wasn’t sure he wanted kids when we first started dating, but by the time we got married he said he thought he would probably agree to them at some point. I was pretty sure I wanted at least one, but not 100% sure. We had (and still have) a great relationship, so I figured we’d work it out–and we got married.

About two years ago, he said he was ready to have a baby. I was too, so I was delighted. We agreed that we would only have one. We discussed it and thought that would best fit our lifestyle, allowing us to enjoy being parents, while also allowing us to continue traveling and doing the things we like to do together.

Luckily, I got pregnant pretty quickly, had an uneventful pregnancy, and, a little over a year ago, our baby was born. This last year has been amazing. It hasn’t been all puppies and rainbows, but, overall, we’ve had a fantastic time being parents. We’re both totally in love with our little one, and my husband is head over heels, doting, fun, etc.

Here’s where I need the advice. I thought I’d be fine with one, but after having our first and getting through the first year relatively unscathed, I feel so passionately about having a second, for so many reasons. I love being a parent. I stay home with him full-time right now, which has worked out so well for us. I feel like I’m doing something I was meant to do. I was meant to be a parent. I’m better at this than I was at any job I’ve had before. I love him so much that I want him to have a sibling. I want to see him be a big brother. I’m afraid of something happening to him and my no longer ever being a parent. I’m worried that someday, when we’re both gone, he won’t have anyone in his immediate family left. Or that, when we’re older, all the burden will fall on him alone.

I know these are not all rational reasons but are more emotional. It really came clear to me when we had family pictures taken on his first birthday. Looking at three of us, I had this flash that someone was missing. That there should be four. After that, I’ve been obsessing over it in my head, going round and round. I’m older and, if I want this to happen, we should be having a second in the next year to two years, I think.

My husband knows that I would now like to have a second. He is convinced that he only wants one. As happy as he is with our son, he just doesn’t feel like there’s any reason to have a second. And that we’d be gambling to try and get a healthy baby a second time around (I’m 34 and he’s 39). That kids cost a lot of money and why spread our resources thinner (by any average measure, we can certainly afford it). That he wouldn’t be as interested the second time around, because it’s all new and different the first time, but he would be jaded with a second and wouldn’t care as much. That it would be too much mess and chaos.

On a side note, he works about 55ish hours a week, so the bulk of everything house- and kid-related falls on me. And, for the most part, I’ve been totally fine with this. Even with having a newborn, my husband never got up in the middle of the night with our baby, etc., since I was breastfeeding and there was really no point. So I expect it would be similar with a second. There wouldn’t be a whole lot of sleepless nights for him at all.

He said he’s thought a lot about it and he really, really just wants one. He’s been pressuring me to get rid of all the baby stuff, but so far I’ve been resisting. It seems silly to get rid of it this soon. I just feel as though, if he changed his mind once about even having kids, maybe he’ll change his mind again.

We haven’t had a full-on serious discussion, more like off-handed chats, usually interrupted by other things. But he’s been pretty clear. He keeps asking if this is going to be an issue between us further down the road. Like, will I resent him for years and bury it, then bring it up. I’ve been reluctant to have a sit-down, serious discussion yet because I wanted to wait at least 18 months before getting pregnant again anyway and I don’t want to full-on pressure him about it. He doesn’t react well to that kind of thing. I was ready for our first for about a year before he came around to it, and he said later that he really appreciated that I let him come to it in his own time and feel ready and that I didn’t start laying down ultimatums or bringing it up all the time. I was relaxed about it. Just about the opposite of how I feel now! I feel kind of desperate, a little obsessed, and like time is ticking away.

So I guess my question is: How do you think I should approach convincing him to have a second (if we get lucky again and can have one)? And failing that, how can I move on, not feel resentful, and just find happiness with only three of us? — Wants a Second

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Wendy’s Weekly Picks,” is a feature in which I’ll highlight stuff I like or recommend in the worlds of fashion, gift ideas, home decor, makeup, websites, entertainment, and recipes. Of course, many of the stuff I link to will be affiliate products, which means I’ll receive a commission on any click-throughs or purchases you make through the affiliate links. As always, I appreciate your support! Here are my favorite finds this week:

My good friend Mary, an expert confectioner and all-around awesome person, has spent the last two years perfecting her caramel recipe with plans to launch her own business, and I’m so excited and proud of her that that day is finally here! Milis caramels (Milis means “sweet” in Scottish), are now available for sale, just in time for hostess and holiday gifts for your family, friends, kids’ teachers, or co-workers. Until a few days ago, I lived just a few doors down from Mary, so I got to taste-test all the variations of her hand-crafted caramels often, and, as someone with a major, but discerning, sweet tooth, I can say with confidence that Mary’s final versions of her first four flavors for sale — Chocolate Malt, Vanilla Toffee, S’mores, and Espresso — are mouth-wateringly amazing (just look at that pic above if you need persuading). She was the talk of the Brooklyn food and wine fest last weekend, and I am sure the year ahead will be one of incredible growth and popularity for her. Sample some now before she sells out and just try not to eat the whole box in a day or two like I usually do! And “like” Milis on Facebook so you can be updated on any news or upcoming specials.

In the summer months, I slather a high SPF sunscreen on my face every day, but in the colder months I switch to a The Naked Bee Vitamin C moisturizer, which has an SPF 30. It’s lightweight, non-greasy, keeps my skin soft (and protected from the sun’s rays) and I love the scent. I will say that the citrusy scent is one that you either love or hate and, while it took me a few days to decide which way I felt about it, now I’m really into it. I also love the Naked Bee hand and body lotion (it would make a great stocking stuffer!).

I got this sweater for my birthday and it quickly became my favorite in rotation. I wear it once or twice a week, and, unfortunately, I was wearing it on Thursday afternoon when Jackson got a sudden and explosive (in more ways that one) stomach virus and vomited all over me. My dry-clean-only cashmere sweater, I’m afraid, is ruined, but I’m hoping it might be marked way down in a Black Friday sale and I can get a replacement. I hope, hope, hope.

I haven’t read Meghan Daum’s new collection of essays, The Unspeakable, yet, but I’m a fan of her cultural commentary in various publications, as well as her other books, Life Would Be Perfect If I Lived in That House, and My Misspent Youth, and I have a feeling I will love this new one, which I plan to buy and read in the next week or so, even more. Written from the perspective of a Gen-Xer, The Unspeakable “[combines] the piercing insight of Joan Didion with humor reminiscent of Nora Ephron’s. Daum dissects our culture’s most dangerous illusions, blind spots, and sentimentalities while retaining her own joy and compassion. Through it all, she dramatizes the search for an authentic self in a world where achieving an identity is never simple and never complete.” Yes, please.

Piperlime is having a site-wide 30% off sale today only for insiders. You’re an insider because I’m sharing the code with you: INSIDE30. My Piperlime picks include: These Frye wedge boots, Mother Looker skinny jeans, this hot moto jacket, this sexy clutch (perfect for holiday parties), and this NYE-appropriate top. It’s all 30% off with code INSIDE30, ooh la la!

Gap is also having major sales this week always. I love this cowl scarf. Use code HAPPY to save 30% off your purchase.

Also! ModCloth is having a 50% off sale every day until Black Friday on select items. The selection changes every 24 hours, so be sure to check back to see if your favorite items, like maybe this awesome poncho or this sexy skirt, or this foxy sweater will get marked down.

Have a great week!


UPDATE: I’ve received the max number of participants that I can take this year. Thank you for your interest!

The holidays are soon upon us and I would love to have 1-3 classes or groups of young people (under 18) from lower-income/ under-privileged communities that we might help spread some holiday cheer to. In 2012 the DW community sponsored a class from a low-income school in New Orleans, buying them lots of books for Christmas. It went so well, we sponsored several classes last year from around the country, buying books for around 200 students. I’d love to continue the tradition this year if we can find teachers or social workers who would like to get involved. Let’s keep the max number of participating students at about 200. Preference will be given to teachers or social workers with fewer than 75 students, but anyone working with lower-income children feel free to apply (including those who have participated before). Simply email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with “Holiday Class” in the subject line to find out how to participate. Deadline is this Wednesday, November 26, so hurry!



I’m a newlywed wife who has been married for only five months. I married my husband after only dating for three months. It was all pretty fast. I am 25 and my husband is 32. He wanted to get married and he was ready. He felt he was getting older and wanted to settle down. I was in a serious relationship (my high school sweetheart) for five years before I met “Ted.” My ex and I have been split up for a good two years but always keep in contact because we were so in love (our relationship just didn’t work out because he didn’t want to grow up).

Anyway…I met Ted, thought he was super cute, plus he was a believer in God which was super important to me. I wanted to marry a Godly man someday. Well, in the first month or so dating Ted, we joked about marriage. We both believe in God and thought God brought us together and, since we were having sex outside marriage, we felt guilty and said we should get married…so we did. My Dad and Mom and family thought I was crazy. They said, “You don’t know him!” They said I should wait and get to know him more. My Dad looked up his record online and saw he had criminal charges, which I knew of. He definitely tried to talk me out of it and cried to me saying, “Please don’t.” But I didn’t listen. We took some pre-marital counseling…and then got married after three months of dating, which I regret everyday.

The first month of marriage went ok — we had an argument or two. Fast forward five months and let’s just say I hate myself for the decision I made. And I mean it. I cry and cry and ask myself why? Why was I so dumb? Why didn’t I listen to the important people in my life? I am realizing that I was in that “lovey dovey” lust stage when you first meet a nice guy. You know, you think he’s the one…and now I’m finding out I don’t feel like I love him like a wife should. I was just in lust.

We fight constantly, we butt heads, say mean words, we’re miserable, and we’re finding out that we think we made a mistake. I’m hardly attracted to him and can’t stand to be around him most of the time. He says “I love you” to me and I have to force myself to say it back even though tears come up because I feel it’s a lie. I’ve told him how I feel and he just shakes his head. We already talk about divorce, well at least I do. And when I do, he makes me feel guilty and says God sends people to hell who divorce for anything beside adultery. I think he is waiting for me to make the first move so he can screw me somehow, and he threatens that he would. He even sometimes jokes how, if he ever found out I cheated, he would seriously hurt me and the guy; he said he would kill someone and he’s not scared.

He hasn’t held down a job and there’s always an excuse for not getting a new one. He also doesn’t trust me because he’s super insecure, always checking my phone and asking me questions. I’m not cheating. I feel trapped and depressed. I wish I could take back the last six months and erase it all. I feel like a fool. I can’t talk to my friends and family because they will just laugh and say “I told you so.” I don’t feel free, my soul feels lost.

I made a mistake and now I have to live with it. On top of that, I found out I’m pregnant, which is good news to Ted. He wanted kids, but I wasn’t too excited. He actually refused to let me get on birth control…and now I bet he feels like he can lock me down for good. We both mentally abuse each other with hurtful words.

I guess my question is what would you do in my situation? I know I was the stupid one who said yes, and, trust me, I don’t know why I did, but I guess I just have to keep being miserable and stay in a marriage that I regret everyday?

I’d leave in a heartbeat but I know people are going to think I’m pathetic. Everyone said not to do it, even all his friends too. Plus, I feel God will send me to hell for divorce. I know He hates it and it’s a huge sin to Him. Please help me with any advice or tell me if there’s any hope. I’ve thought about taking my life, but I’m 12 weeks pregnant now and I must not even have those thoughts. I gotta do this for the baby. — Regretting My Quickie Marriage

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How cute is Little J here? I love this picture of him (says the modest mom) and think it captures him pretty well. At least the side of him that is happy and sweet and bursting with personality. Like most 3-year-olds, he has other sides that aren’t as pleasant, but in that moment on that day, all bundled up against unseasonal frigid cold in NYC, he was the Jackson I enjoy the most. We were on the subway when I took the picture, having just braved the cold to see my endocrinologist briefly for a Rx update (for my thyroid disease). I rewarded Jack for his good behavior at my doctor’s office with a visit to the holiday train show at Grand Central, which, as predicted, he loved. It was a good day, even if it was brutally cold. (We also made cookies — flourless oatmeal, peanut butter, chocolate chip — and hosted our first playdate in our new place).

Unfortunately, less than 24 hours later, I was standing in our kitchen, covered in vomit from head to toe, holding Jackson in my arms as he heaved his lunch into my hair and face (and this, after cleaning up not one, not two, but three accidents in the pants; I finally wised up after that third one and switched Jackson to pull-ups for the rest of the day). Aw, the joys of motherhood. Luckily, it was a fast-moving bug and he’s all better today and no worse for wear. Hopefully, we can say the same for our washing machine after the massive amounts of laundry I did yesterday. On my way to taking Jackson to school this morning, our landlord called and said there was water leaking into his place from ours, and as I write this, I haven’t heard an update yet on what that’s all about. Hey, at least it’s Friday, right? I need a drink.

Anyway, what’s everyone up to this weekend? I think Drew and I are going to have a date tonight — our second in a week, after not going out for what seems forever; we saw Lucinda Williams at the Beacon Monday night and it was an awesome show! One of our favorite neighborhood restaurants, a tiny French Caribbean place, is closing shop next week on account of astronomically rising rents in Brooklyn — ugh, don’t get me started — and we’re going to try to get in tonight for a last meal there. The whole place only sits like 18 people total, so hopefully we can get a seat without waiting outside in the cold for too long. Then, on Saturday, we’ll probably do more moving-in stuff (hanging stuff on the walls, re-arranging the furniture a bit, stuff like that) and then a 3-year-old birthday party in the afternoon. And on Sunday, we’re hosting our second annual Friendsgiving with some of our oldest friends. I’m making pie (and turkey and brussels sprouts). Can you believe Thanksgiving is just a few days away and then it’s like full-on holiday season? What the fuck? Where did 2014 go?

Happy weekend, everyone. Hope yours is a great one.