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I’m in an LDR with my boyfriend. I go to school in California, and I travel to where he lives in Atlanta as well as to my home in New York. We’ve been friends for over a year and have been dating for five months. While at first we seemed to make it work, the last time I went to see him (missing a day of classes to do), he said that he wasted his time taking off from work that weekend because some mutual friends of ours weren’t visiting with me. Obviously, this doesn’t make me feel all that great since he is basically saying I wasted his time. I called him out on it, but he only said it was horrible to say but it was the truth and that the money he could have made that weekend could have been used for him to travel to me, something I question because he’s made enough to afford to visit me at least once already and yet hasn’t done so.

Now he wants to make plans to come to NY this New Year’s….but only if one or both of our mutual friends also goes, otherwise it would be a waste according to him. This makes me feel as though I’m just someone he can use to make other people jealous or prove that he can get some, especially since one of our mutual friends is someone he had a major crush on when we first met.

Additionally, he told me that he thinks I should move back home to NY since I’m pretty lonely here in California and even though he is making plans to make a permanent move here himself.

He does call every day, so I’m just confused. There haven’t been any “I love yous” thrown around. What should I do? — A Waste of His Time

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This week in the forums, we’re discussing:

How do we feel about teasing in a relationship?

Is she rude? Am I just bitter? Both? Neither?

Fiance’ with Anger Issues

“Do You Think my FWB Wants More?”

Stressed out whenever I’m around my boyfriend

Should I MOA?

“Teen Son Forgot His Girlfriend’s Birthday”

“All of My Daughter’s Friends Bailed on her 14th Birthday Party”

I wasn’t myself

Date Ideas?

Sexual Harassment or Just Funny?

What are the good parts of having kids?

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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From the forums:

I’ve been in a relationship for just over five years with the most amazing woman I have ever met. We are madly in love, but she has been offered a job in another state and she wants me to come live with her. My dilemma is that I have joint custody of my 15-year-old son. I feel that he would be mature enough to understand why I would move, but I’m conflicted because I don’t want him to later feel like I abandoned him. I’ve talked with my parents and they are just saying that, “We support whatever you do,” which is not helping me. My ex is dead-set against me moving, but I don’t want to do what she says. I need some advice, please. — Conflicted About Moving Away From My Son

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Pumpkin

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and are very serious. We’ve always seen ourselves as a married couple, but it’s hard to define that to others. He has a son, nine years old, who lives with us. The child has been invited to a kid/parent Halloween party for his soccer team. My boyfriend asked if I’d like to join them, but I mentioned it possibly being awkward and he agreed that it might be. I only said that in hopes of his believing otherwise, but, now that it’s been said, I feel like he just doesn’t want me to go or that I will ruin his so-called “rep” as a single dad. I don’t know many people living in a situation such as mine and his; I have many questions left unanswered about (unmarried) step-parenting. Am I crazy for thinking that he just really doesn’t want me to go? — Pseudo Stepmom

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I am a 48-year-old independent woman who has thrown caution to the wind and lived in different locations and had different careers in the past 20 years. Well, a year and a half ago, I finally had some clarity about where my life was going and where I was meant to be. I moved back to my home state and in with my dad to pursue a stable career and spend time with family and close friends. No regrets, it’s been the best decision of my life so far.

Now comes my dilemma. Upon my moving home, an old boyfriend whom I dated 20 years ago started pursuing me. We have been together ever since. It was so much fun and his family loves me and I love them. They are really great people. Now the kicker: my boyfriend, who is 48 also, still lives with his mom. His mother has a boyfriend whom she spends four days a week with and then they spend every winter together in Florida. You say, “What’s the problem?” Well, my boyfriend tells me that he can’t have a home with me because he has to keep this childhood home, that his mom is going to gift it to him so that she can enjoy her retirement and have a good life. Yes, it’s admirable, but where does this leave me? When his mom goes to her boyfriend’s house, I go to her place where my boyfriend lives, and the place is set up for her comfort with Lazy boy chairs in the TV room. My boyfriend never invites friends to his house or even thinks about entertaining. I feel like we have fast forwarded our relationship into retirement status and I’m starting to feel resentful.

Every time I try to have a conversation with him regarding my feelings he gets so frustrated and angry and he tells me that he can’t afford to give me my own place. Note: my boyfriend has never had a mortgage or children. He owns a new boat, a Harley Davidson motorcycle, an Explorer, his work car, a Nissan, and the garage is his work space with every tool imaginable. When I said that his mother should sell the house and everybody could have their own lives, the look of shock on his face was all I needed to see. I do love him and I know he loves me, but it’s not enough.

My biggest frustration is my boyfriend’s lack of understanding of my feelings and how this is affecting me. He chooses to live in a state of denial. He thinks if he buys me clothes and pretends that his boat is mine too that it makes everything perfect. It’s perfect for him but not for me. I would love to go to counseling, but he is too private a person to do that. I feel like every time I talk about my needs as a woman in a mature relationship that I am being selfish and greedy.

This whole thing has fueled me to stay focused on my current career path, and my plan is to get my own place after this winter passes. Even though I currently live at my father’s farm in a room upstairs, my relationship with my dad is polar opposite my boyfriend’s arrangement with his mom. I often wonder and have asked him if his mother asks him where or how our relationship is progressing. He tells me,” We don’t talk about that stuff.” Really? What is this girl to do, I ask???? — Still Waiting for Perfect

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