Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

As Drew reminded me last night when I admitted that I hadn’t called out senators in a while: This is not the time to slack on resisting. This is the time to dial it up a few notches.

Trumpcare, a disaster of a bill that would cost an estimated 23 million Americans their health insurance to provide giant tax cuts for the wealthy, moved on to the Senate after passing the House by a narrow majority. Because Republicans are using a process called reconciliation to fast-track the bill, they only need 51 votes, rather than the usual 60. However, the trade-off is that they must allow an unlimited number of amendments to the bill during the vote-a-rama. This presents an opportunity for Dems to get creative. If Dems file thousands and thousands of amendments and call for a vote on each, they could hold off the bill in perpetuity:
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I have married the absolute love of my life only to find myself at odds with his mother. It all started a couple years ago just as my husband and I started dating. His mom threw a pool party and I had my mom there. I was joking around with his mom and made a comment in jest, something like, “Oh, you know you love me.” Her deadpan reaction: “What are you talking about? I will NEVER love you.” I was horrified. And so was my mother who was sitting right next to her.

Things only escalated from there. At one point, every time I saw her, I would bawl my eyes out on the way home afterwards. She made it painfully clear she did not like me and that I was never going to be good enough for her son–or for her family. At one point we did have a come-to-Jesus. She blamed me for things like not going to a baby shower for a mutual friend after she knew I had a horrendous miscarriage and things like “keeping her son from seeing her,” even though he continued to tell her he was busy with work.

After we got married, things settled down for a little bit. As long as we made an effort to try for a weekly dinner with her, I just shut my feelings up and bawled my eyes out on the way home, after whatever nasty venom she hurled at me. I had even held my tongue when she previously asked me to borrow my bed so that her other son and two daughters could use it for Christmas. Then when she literally moved my bed, damaging it, put my mattress on a different bed, put my sheets on another bed, and ruined my mattress pad, her response was, “You begged me to store it. I just wanted to make one nice bed.” My husband had to tell her that it was she who wanted it and asked, no begging from me, to store it. It felt so surreal; I now know what revisionist history is. She ruined my very nice, very expensive bed, mattress, sheets, the whole works.

At one point she asked to use my car. I wouldn’t have minded except they were going to use it to move the boat and it was in a very precarious position, and my car was brand new. I told them I wasn’t comfortable with that. Her response: “Well, you’re just gonna have to decide if you’re a part of the family or not.” As if my decision to not loan my car meant I didn’t support my family. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I made the decision last year to cut off all contact with her. I felt good about my position. I finally felt free and like the dark cloud that had hung over me had finally gone away. Unfortunately, I’m now the Jezebel of the family. Recently, my husband’s family threw a huge pool party. I declined to go because I heard it would make my MIL uncomfortable and it was at her house, which I would have felt uncomfortable about myself. I was thinking about going to the party just to see my SIL who lives very far away, but, after hearing how my MIL felt, I didn’t. So I let it be, only to find that everyone commented on my absence. My husband even got texts afterwards from family asking about it. Apparently, he got quite a bit of advice about it.

I feel outcast from my SO’s family, that my MIL still has intolerable behavior, and that no one has changed except me. Am I still doing the right thing? I worry I’m ostracizing us from the family and I’m already ostracized from gatherings. I fear this is a big strain on our marriage and I feel like my husband isn’t in my corner. What do I do? Do I make amends with my MIL or be happy that I’m away from her?

I should also mention that because of the way my husband was probably treated growing up (as I’ve seen), he doesn’t have the right tools, I feel, to handle this. He wants his mom and his wife in his life — rightfully so — but I can’t help but feel that his not sticking up for our marriage and not choosing a side is just as bad as a nail in the coffin for us.

Thanks for listening to me rant. A fresh perspective is just what I need. — The Jezebel Housewife

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My boyfriend (“Greg,” 29) and I (29) love each other very much. He is an American living in New York and I’m Danish and living in Copenhagen. We met five years ago in NYC and lived together with other roommates for a couple of years before I had to return home because my mom got sick.

My dealing with a dying mom and a family in crisis was difficult for my boyfriend to completely comprehend. I lacked support and still, to this day, feel like I was completely left on my own (whereas before I always felt like part of a strong united team with him). The big deal breaker came when my mom passed away and my boyfriend decided not to come and join the funeral and be there for me because he was already planning to come for Christmas and he had just started a new job and didn’t want to lose it. A couple of months after our awkward Christmas visit together, I decided that we needed to take a break. I was feeling completely unsure of my feelings and to this day I still am.

When we met up for Easter, I ended up looking in his phone and finding messages from a girl he dated just up until seeing me. Though we hadn’t defined the break and whether we could be dating others, it was really hurtful to learn about, and I ended up writing him a long letter explaining to him how I felt. We didn’t tackle the issue that well and kinda just went along with it. I started dating another guy but was constantly thinking about Greg.

In the fall, we decided that by Christmas we would have to make a decision about our relationship. He ended up proposing to me on New Years Day and, though it was very beautiful, a tiny little voice in my head was shouting, “no no no.” I said “yes” though and started planning my relocation to NYC. A couple of weeks into planning, I broke down in tears in front of some girlfriends. I’m in doubt over whether he is my one and only. I cannot forget, and I still struggle to forgive him, for not being there when my mom died or at least showing the effort to do so.

This spring I underwent a two-month to trial of living back in New York with him. It was a tough but also a good time where I felt like we grew back into our relationship a little bit. Now I am back in Copenhagen and I’m pulling out hair to figure out whether this is what I want — moving to New York, putting my career on hold while I wait for a visa. I have proposed our going somewhere neutral to start over, but he is not keen on that idea, nor does he want to move to Copenhagen yet, before we have kids.

I’ve spent five years on this relationship and now I’m turning 30 and I have an incredible fear of actually ending up alone if I don’t go all in for this. I’m completely torn, also by different perspectives from my friends and family who are all looking from their points of view. I’m afraid of losing him, but I’m also afraid of saying yes to a marriage that I’m not 100% sure of.

I would love your perspective on this very difficult life decision. — Feeling Doubt In My Yes

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Friday Links


(Sarah Wilkins / For The LA Times)

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Why I have a fear of falling… in love

Gender Bias At Work — Why Men Call Forceful Women ‘Hysterical’ And Try To Silence Them

How Sex Is Orchestrated on Reality Shows Like Bachelor in Paradise

“My husband and my travel wife are both generous: He lets me go; she lets me come along. I’m not sure I could have had one marriage without the other. There’s a lot of talk about open marriage and polyamory lately, but marriage can be customizable and nontraditional in ways that have nothing whatsoever to do with sex. Marriages can include other spouses who provide other functions. Maybe they need to.”

— A Husband for Home; a Wife for Away

Finally, men get the Handmaid’s Tale adaption they deserve

Why Do Men Harass Women? New Study Sheds Light On Motivations

“This week marks the 50th anniversary of Loving v. Virginia, the landmark Supreme Court decision that invalidated state laws restricting interracial marriage. Recently, we asked readers to share their experiences about being in a mixed-race relationship. We received more than 2,000 stories in just a few days.

Many people expressed profound ambivalence about the categories that drove antimiscegenation rules, while they described how their racial identity — or how others identified them — continued to shape their relationships and their social interactions. Some wrote about the resistance they faced from family and society, while others celebrated the particular richness of their lives. Here are some of those stories.”

— NYTimes

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

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It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

My husband and I were friends with a younger woman. We both knew her parents. She would come to our house to visit. After a while my husband wanted to help her by giving her a job with his construction crew. I said I didn’t think it was a good idea. He went behind my back and hired her anyway and kept it a secret. When I found out, I was furious. He would call her “Babe” and she called him “Boo.” He gave her money and took her wherever she wanted to go — all still behind my back. He says nothing happened, but when I insisted he stop being friends with her and he complied, he cried. Since then he has joined several dating sites and has become addicted to openly looking at very young women and his phone is full of porn. Also, I am not allowed to leave a coat in his truck for some reason. He even sent another female friend a very sexy message, saying: “I can’t wait to see you. I miss you. And it’s a date. He says he did nothing wrong and I don’t believe him. Would You? It is driving me crazy. I am miserable. Please help. Should I leave him? — Not Allowed Even a Coat

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