Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy
I’m 23, my boyfriend is 29. Two nights ago my boyfriend had a seizure and cracked his head open on the floor. I was the first and only responder until EMS showed up. Blood flowed into a large puddle surrounding his head, SO MUCH BLOOD. His eyes looked nowhere, and his skin turned grey. I believed he was on the brink of death, and battled my own shock, to keep him with me while I waited an excruciating twenty minutes for EMS. I’m a lifeguard part time while finishing university, so I know basic first aid and I’ve been in situations like this before (though this was the most serious by far). It’s a whole new experience when its someone you Love.

Staying in a relationship with him, it’s likely something like this will happen again. He was diagnosed with epilepsy about a year ago, along with other health problems. This is his second seizure, the first he was driving a car, luckily slowly. My mother practically begged me to leave him when he was first diagnosed, but love ruled. Being so involved in his second seizure has woken me up; I realize I can’t deal with it. I can’t sleep — I keep seeing his empty grey face. I was so terrified to hold his severely wounded body in my arms, TERRIFIED! He didn’t recognize me and kept pushing me away while I fought to keep pressure on his wound. I was nervous he would hit me out of confusion, but more nervous he would bleed out and die. He needs me now more than ever. So, I have resolved to be there for him as a girlfriend, until he is no longer directly dealing with the aftermath of the incident. But I need to break up with him for my own sake. I can’t willingly subject myself to that situation ever again, unless I have to.

He is healing at his parents’ home now, but I can’t bear to have him come back to live with me. I went to visit him tonight and he’s already asking when he can come home. I don’t think he has an inkling of how traumatic this was for me. He was either in a fugue state or unconscious the whole time, and he doesn’t remember any of it.

I care about him deeply, but I am too young to introduce this much trauma into my life. I want to be there for him, but I just can’t be the one. I’m scared my leaving will spin him into depression.

How should I carry on now, when I know I’ll have to break the relationship when he’s better? How do I break up with him with as little damage as possible (and hopefully still be there for him)? — Needing to End This

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Friday Links

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

When Dating In The Era Of Divisive Politics, Both Sides Stick To Themselves

Related: What’s a Liberal to Do When His Spouse Is a Trump Zealot?

Woman Problems: One moment, walking. The next—am I real?

‘It’s the breaking of a taboo’: It’s tiring, often boring – and can mean a return to more traditional roles. Why some mothers (and fathers) feel they made a mistake.

Why Men Fall in Love Faster Than Women

They fell in love in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. He’s not romantic and he thinks holding hands is silly, but after 75 years they’re still going strong. Saved From Holocaust: ‘He Loved Me and He Wanted to Keep Me’

“Missouri lawmakers are considering making a felony of ‘nonconsensual dissemination of private sexual images.’ better known as revenge porn. In the meantime, if your ex puts your naughty bits on social media, the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative has a handy-dandy guide to getting the photos or video removed and how to protect yourself.”

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

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How long is TOO long to wait for someone to say they love you? I feel that, after a certain amount of time in a relationship without it being said, you kind of lose your chance to say it altogether. But I hope I’m wrong. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. THREE YEARS. I’ve said it accidentally one drunk night around our one-year mark, and he was quick to reply with: “Those words mean more than a one-year relationship warrants.” That’s his point of view and I respect that. So I waited for him to be comfortable with saying it. But, it’s now been three years and still nothing. What do I do?! — Where’s the Love?

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CIRCLE ICON DW 0127145

This week in the forums we’re discussing:

Is he looking for a sugar mama?

Questions about engagement rings

Should I walk away from this “relationship”?

Antisocial tendencies

Colleague wants to sleep with me

What So Many People Don’t Get About The Working Class

Dating for 4 years and still not living together

This whole Trump situation just gets worse and worse everyday

Anyone going on awesome dates?

Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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I was 100% sure that “Jeff” would propose last week (it was a special night for both of us, and one that we both had been looking forward to), but it didn’t happen. Because we talk about everything (my face can’t keep a secret, and he’s not about to let me ruminate in the corner without knowing why), we spent the evening discussing why he hadn’t proposed. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was money.

Jeff has a good job as an architect. He works hard and has five- and ten-year plans and retirement goals. However, he doesn’t make enough to feel comfortable, with college debt still looming and and high cost of living prices in the area that we’ve chosen to live. And then, me. I work hard, but my career as a dancer does not bring anywhere near the stability that my boyfriend’s job does. I choose my career every day – it’s emotionally and physically difficult, but something that I am deeply passionate about. I do not hesitate to take on side jobs to bring money in for our general expenses.

Ever the planner, Jeff spoke about how he is worried about how my career choices would affect our family if we were to have one (we both want one) — how a proposal means marriage, which means a house, which means kids, and that I’m not looking at my financial situation realistically and am putting pressure on him to make the money to raise our family. He is, to put it mildly, stressed about this. And to be fair, I don’t know if my career will ever bring in enough money to support a family.

I’m not sure where I stand here, and I need your help in getting clear on what I’m allowed to ask and where I’m asking too much.

I’m asking him, I think, to propose to me because he loves me, and trusts that I will do everything I can to support US. When he talks money when I mention proposals, the conversation becomes transactional in a way that makes me shudder and back away. And he shudders at my distaste for looking at my bank account.

I understand that he wants to be more secure financially before he proposes, but this is a man who might never make that step because that security could be a decade away. We joke that we each expected that we’d marry millionaires when we grew up and would never have to have these conversations. That seems not to be.

Is he right to bring such realistic terms into the question of a proposal? Am I wrong to expect him to love me no matter how much money I make? — Not a millionaire and personally ok with it

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