Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy
I’m 42 years of age and have never married. Although I have had a few successful stints with women, I ALWAYS find a flaw in my partner. It is a real problem for me. It started in college. I would always have certain girls I was very attracted to and would do anything to date. However, when they showed interest in me and we started to date, I suddenly found them less attractive. I am definitely attracted to women; I just constantly struggle to stay attracted to a woman for more than a month or two. I find ridiculous flaws like their chin, their eyes, their figure, their teeth and other minuscule things. The crazy thing is that I notice my flaws just as much. (I inherited terrible posture from my father.) I know that no one is perfect on the outside.

My most recent relationship was with “Sue.” She was attractive, but her chin was abnormally large and I couldn’t help but consistently notice it. She also bit her nails. I realize these are two small flaws, but for some reason they bothered me way too much to stay with her.

I really would like some advice on this. I want to find someone perfect for me, but I realize I have to reduce my definition of perfect. Please help me on how this could happen. — Searching For My Perfect

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This week in the forums we’re discussing:

Mentally Ill and Violent Brother-in-Law

Netflix recommendations?

Is my boyfriend still in love with me?

Talking with parents about illness & finances

Help for hoarding parents

“I Set My Friend Up With My Ex and Now It’s Not Going Well”

“I Offered to Host a Baby Shower and the Mom-to-Be is Making Me Crazy”

“Is it too much to ask for my boyfriend to spend time with me?”

Boyfriend calling actresses hot

Anyone going on awesome dates?

Follow along on Facebook and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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I’ve been dating a divorced-with-no-children man for about a year. We are in our fifties. He hasn’t proposed yet, but we have been talking about our life “together” in the near future. He was married for fourteen years; she left him three years ago. I was married for thirteen years; I left him seven years ago.

[Supposedly] his ex initiated contact with him through text messages a little before we met, and she texts him every two to three weeks. He says they don’t talk about personal stuff, but, I wonder, what in the world divorcees with no children can talk about? And more questionably: Why is she contacting him when she is living with another man? When I asked him, he — rather passionately — said that he will be there any time she needs him. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through a mastectomy. He was crying when he told me the bad news; we prayed together for her. As a Christian woman I pray everyday for her; as his girlfriend I don’t see the logic of their keeping in touch when there is no reason to since they had no children.

I have researched online, and most divorce counselors and psychologists advice that the healthiest way to find closure after divorce is to cut ALL ties with your ex, unless there are children involved. I haven’t told him anything, but one day, when I stayed over, I was looking for socks in his drawers and found pictures of his ex. Why does he keep them? Does he look at them every now and then? I destroyed all the pictures of my ex, not out of anger but because that part of my life is over. When I mentioned that to him, he seemed confused and said that pictures are part of your history and should be kept.

Another thing that I think is not helpful in his getting finally over his ex is the fact that he keeps a very close friendship with his ex-sister-in-law. He says she is one of his best friends, she has been very good to him, and he will not be ungrateful to her only because her sister divorced him. This is not healthy because, every time he would visit his ex-SIL, undoubtedly all the memories – happy and sad – would come to the “front” of his mind, making it hard for him to once and for all “forget” his ex. He says they never talk about his ex, but I am not so sure about that, especially because of the cancer situation.

His ex-SIL invited us to dinner one day. She was polite and nice, but we didn’t talk much, and right after dinner she suggested we watch a movie. Where I come from, you NEVER watch TV with your guests; that is rude. I keep wondering why she did this.

He has told me I am the best lover – in all dimensions – he has ever had, and that he will never go back with his ex. I do believe him. Should I keep quiet and suffer in silence his relationship with both his ex and her sister? Should I have to accept he will forever be attached to them? Know(or understand) his friendship with his ex, but I will have to tolerate the friendship with his ex-SIL. Compromise. I guess that is one of the important keys for a successful relationship/partnership/marriage. — Not Into His Friendship With His Ex

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Hi, are you one of the estimated 70 million getting hit by the big N’oreaster snowstorm this morning? We are! Drew spent the night in a hotel near work last night and I’m on my own with the kids today. School was canceled, but get this – Jackson takes a theater class after school and they’re holding a snow day camp today for a few hours, and being the wise person I am and clearly remembering how the snow day we had last month made us all crazy, I signed Jackson up. Now, I just have to get him there and back…

And then, we had dinner plans at our friends’ place this evening where my friend, Lesley, a chef (and winner of Chopped) is cooking Bo Ssam for us and some mutual friends who are visiting from out of town. They’re only two blocks away, so I figure we can pull the kids in the sled (hopefully Drew will make it home by dinner and can help), which I am happy to do for a plate of pork and good company. Between now and then, I’ll be doing my best to keep these kids entertained and out of trouble, and also wine. Have a fun snow day!

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Experiencing Donald Trump as President of the United States has been a scary and horrific thing for many of us. He and his cabinet, full of unqualified and unsuitable candidates, threaten civil rights, voter rights, climate control, health care, public education, social security, the first amendment, foreign relations, free press, and the values of most good and decent people everywhere. We must resist his actions to destroy the fabric of democracy and the security of our citizens. In an effort to do that, each week I share some acts of resistance and steps of activism you can take. Here are this week’s:
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