Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Quickies: “She’s Joining the Navy. Should I Keep Dating Her?”

Three quickies today:

I met this girl recently and I really like her, and I know she really likes me back, but when we started dating exclusively she let me know that she was interested in joining the Navy. I supported her decision and she recently passed the medical tests and leaves in April for basic training which lasts three months. If she passes, she will be gone for four years and she only gets to come home two times a year. We will only have been dating exclusively for two months by then and we got exclusive pretty soon after we met. I want to make things work with her, but not being able to spend time with her for so long seems like a deal breaker. Please help. — Losing Her to the Navy?

Not being able to spend time with someone for over four years, someone whom you’ve known only a couple of months, IS a deal-breaker. Wish her well, keep in touch if you’d like, and move on with your life. Kudos to her for being honest as soon as you met about her desire to join the Navy, and kudos to you for being supportive. Your time together wasn’t a waste, and maybe it’s not even the the end of the road forever, but a relationship cannot grow, and it certainly can’t thrive, with so much distance for a very long, extended period of time.

I met this guy four and a half months ago in October; we started hanging out and I was wanting to be more casual. He kept saying, “I would date you in a heart beat.” We hung out nine days in a row in December; he invited me to his work Christmas party and on a trip. I finally let my guard down and, after going on a really good date for Valentine’s Day, asked if that was a date or a friend thing and he said, “I don’t know.” I asked if he no longer saw us dating, and he said that wasn’t it but he just was enjoying what we were doing and he didn’t know if he wanted to get into anything seriously. I’m so annoyed and confused. We have been having sleep-overs and messing around and going on “dates” and he was the one who pursued me and wanted to date…so I wonder what changed or, now that I want to date, why he is like acting weird. What should I do? — Now Wanting More Than Casual

 
Listen when he tells you what he’s feeling: He enjoys dating you but doesn’t want anything serious. This really isn’t all that confusing. In the time that you wanted to be casual, he took you at your word and probably was keeping his options open. Maybe he’s met someone else he’s interested in and doesn’t want to commit to any one person right now. I’d ask him if he’s “messing around” and having sleepovers with anyone else, make sure you use protection, and decide whether you’re willing to keep things casual for a while or if his not wanting to be serious is a deal-breaker. If it is, move on.

My daughter’s father and I have been broken up for some time now. Recently I found out that he has had a girlfriend for a couple months, and I feel like he’s been hiding her from me. When I confronted him, he said that it wasn’t what I thought and that it had been on and off. Prior to this, it had seemed like we wanted to work on us. So I stopped answering his phone calls. Even though he calls me about my daughter, I cannot even talk. I feel like he’s still mine and I love him and want to be with him, but I also don’t want him because he is a cheater. Why is he acting this way and what do I do now? — Feeling Cheated

 
You’ve been broken up for “some time.” Your words. His dating someone else doesn’t make him a cheater. And it’s also not really any of your business except for how it might relate to/affect your daughter. Your responsibility is to her, and part of being a good parent is being a good co-parent with her father. Not answering his phone calls, especially when you know he’s calling about your daughter, is unacceptable. Grow up, act like a mother, and quit it with this high school bullshit. You and he didn’t work out, he’s moved on, get over it.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

13 comments… add one
  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine February 24, 2017, 9:33 am

    WWS all around. LW 3 Jesus lady grow up and be a responsible co-parent. Not answering his calls when it’s about your daughter because he “belongs to you” is off the rails crazy.

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  • GertietheDino

    GertietheDino February 24, 2017, 9:59 am

    LW1: Desire to join the Navy doesn’t necessarily mean admission.

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    • avatar

      Ron February 24, 2017, 10:28 am

      She already passed the physical.

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      • GertietheDino

        GertietheDino February 24, 2017, 10:33 am

        You’re right, didn’t read it through.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl February 24, 2017, 10:10 am

    What is it with recent letters featuring women that want to police their ex’s dating life? If you are broken up, your ex cannot “cheat” on you.

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    • avatar

      Ron February 24, 2017, 10:31 am

      But, but… he cheated on her fantasy. He did you a huge favor, LW. Now you can stop dreaming and get on with your real-world life. You need to be thinking about practical things, like visitation and child support payments.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom February 24, 2017, 12:07 pm

      I’m assuming that he cheated on her when they were together and that’s why they aren’t together.

      LW IF he cheated on you be glad you aren’t together. You owe it to your daughter to talk to her dad about parenting. When you have a baby with someone you choose to parent with that someone even if you end up not together and they start seeing someone else. That decision was made when you conceived. When you won’t talk to your daughter’s dad you are choosing to be a bad parent. You are choosing to make your daughter’s life more difficult and ugly. You are choosing to be selfish in spite of your daughter needing and deserving a good relationship with her dad. You picked your ex and made a baby with him and now you are committed to raising that child with him.

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      • avatar

        Ron February 24, 2017, 12:26 pm

        That’s a possible reason for their breakup, but she doesn’t say that, or even suggest that, anywhere in her letter. People break up for reasons other than cheating.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom February 24, 2017, 12:46 pm

        She doesn’t say when the cheating happened. Whether she considers his seeing someone now as cheating or whether she knows he’s cheated on her in the past.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros February 24, 2017, 6:56 pm

        I assumed she was referring to the recent incident as cheating, just because she was fine with getting back together with him until that happened. She says she doesn’t want a cheater now, but clearly wanted him up until this new woman.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. February 24, 2017, 10:39 am

    LW1: This is just bad timing. Keep in touch as Wendy said, but move on and keep yourself open to someone else.

    LW2: WWS

    LW3: Just because you have a child with someone, doesn’t mean they’re yours forever. Do you really want him to never date anyone ever again? You two didn’t work out. He cannot cheat on you when he’s not with you. He is free to do as he pleases. Focus on your daughter.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros February 24, 2017, 6:53 pm

    LW2: I think there’s a lot of noise here. You maybe liking him more when he’s unattainable. You hoping that maybe he’s just upset you weren’t into it before instead of simply not interested now. But in the end, he said he doesn’t want a relationship. Take him at his word.

    LW3: It sounds like you thought you had a claim on him because it appeared like you two were going to try to get back together. But you’re not together, and he’s indicated he doesn’t want that anymore. Move on. When you have kids, you have to make decisions about your romantic life with their other parent based on the fact that you have kids. Engaging in tumultuous on-again off-again things with them is irresponsible because it results in you being so hurt/angry that you stop co-parenting like you should.

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  • avatar

    Hazel February 26, 2017, 12:38 am

    I kind of disagree with everyone else about LW2. The last information this guy had from you is that all you want is casual. If you’ve now decided you’re interested in dating him (exclusively), please tell him so before you move on. He may have given you that wishy-washy answer because he was worried you were going to reiterate that you don’t want to get serious, and “I’m enjoying what we’re doing even if it’s not serious” actually does not exclude “But I totally would be up for getting serious if that’s what you want!!”

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