Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Sexting Doesn’t Make You a Pervert

From Intern Claire:

Fear no more about that promiscuous sext you sent to your boyfriend or friend with benefits; it turns out, you aren’t a pervert after all. Researchers at the University of Michigan conducted a study on 3400 men and women between the ages of 18-24 and studied their sexting behaviors. The results were that sexters were not more likely to sleep with numerous partners or have more unprotected sex than non-sexters, and sexting doesn’t lead to any psychological problems. The only time sexting becomes a problem, of course, is when it leads to a partner being unfaithful in a relationship. So carry on with your sexting as a little way to keep get your partner excited! It’s perfectly normal.

[via The Stir]

89 comments… add one
  • SweetsAndBeats

    Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 3:07 pm

    You are aware, right, that “promiscuous” means having multiple sex partners… Not “sexy”.

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      cporoski July 31, 2012, 3:10 pm

      that is an obnoxious comment…bring back the down thumbs.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 3:13 pm

        I really don’t appreciate “sensational writing” that misuses words… Later on in her paragraph, it mentions sexting potentially leading to infidelity and that being a problem. So, which is it, sexting with multiple people being okay or not okay? Poor word choice muddles things up quite a bit.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 31, 2012, 3:15 pm

        Not sure where Sweets was going but maybe she had the same first thought as I did: Claire says “sexting doesn’t make you a pervert” and then says the study shows sexters are not more likely “to sleep with numerous partners or have more unprotected sex than non-sexters” — which made me think, “wait, does sleeping with numerous partners and having unprotected sex make you a ‘pervert'”? I think of a pervert as someone who does… more perverted things. But whatever, the point of this post was that Addie Pray needs to do more sexting.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 31, 2012, 3:19 pm

        Oh, I reread it and see the word “promiscuous” in the first sentence now. I don’t see a problem with that word — can’t please everyone, CB! … But it’s the “pervert” in the title that throws me off.

        But, really, who “sexts”? I’m conducting an official poll. Ready go:

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      • avatar

        bethany July 31, 2012, 4:14 pm

        I think I’d like to start, but I’m afraid someone will see my husband’s phone (and the “sexts” sent by me!), so I haven’t done it yet.

        Like what if he leaves it out on his desk at work, and someone walks by and sees something??

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      • MackenzieLee

        MackenzieLee August 1, 2012, 5:08 am

        I don’t know if anyone will read this thread anymore but if you have a smartphone there is an app called snapchat that deletes the image from the person whose phone you send it to after a certain number of seconds. it’s pretty cool and then there is no way other people can see it

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      • avatar

        ele4phant July 31, 2012, 5:06 pm

        I have, as a joke.

        I once took a super close up picture of the inside of my bent elbow and asked the BF to guess what part of my body it was.

        A genuine sext just seems so ridiculous and goofy, so you might as well be ridiculous on purpose.

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      • avatar

        Eljay July 31, 2012, 5:15 pm

        Eljay <——-raises hand vigorously!! πŸ™‚

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      • Lady_Red

        Red_Lady July 31, 2012, 7:50 pm

        nope – I’m always too worried that someone else will see it

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      • theattack

        theattack July 31, 2012, 10:06 pm

        I sext allll the time. I send my fiance dirty pictures when he’s sitting in court waiting for one of his cases to be called, or if he’s just in his office. I like putting him in awkward situations like that. He does similar things to me.

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      • avatar

        Anna August 1, 2012, 6:12 am

        I do!

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      • avatar

        MsMisery August 1, 2012, 1:44 pm

        What I’d like to know is, these people who are sexting and then not sleeping with people, maybe they aren’t “perverts,” but are they teases?

        *_*

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      • Lili

        Lili July 31, 2012, 3:19 pm

        You can sext me all you want AP! And in return I’ll send you sexy pics of food doing promiscuous things. Like the baked brie covered in raspberry reduction sauce taunting the baguette thats only a tad bit golden brown πŸ˜‰

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      • avatar

        lemongrass July 31, 2012, 3:25 pm

        You can’t say things like that! There are pregnant women on this site, and to this woman nothing is sexier than cheese.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 3:21 pm

        Yeah, I don’t appreciate the implication of this article that you’re supposed to feel perverted for sending texts. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone feeling way about sexting with their SO or FWB. Sexting can be very good for relationships!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 31, 2012, 3:24 pm

        I wish someone would sext me. How will I know if I’ve been sexted?

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 3:26 pm

        It’ll probably make you blush and say “Oooh la la!” πŸ˜‰ that’s how you’ll know!

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 31, 2012, 3:36 pm

        “I don’t appreciate the implication of this article that you’re supposed to feel perverted for sending texts”

        Yeah, I agree with you there. I feel like we all pick on Claire when she posts, but I hope she’s taking it like, constructive criticism, rather than “Rawrr we hate everything!”

        But anyway– my problem reading this was mostly the approach & assumption that sexters would be worried they’re “perverted” or more likely to be promiscuous in the first place?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 31, 2012, 3:38 pm

        Oh, & I totally see what you’re saying now abou the placement of “promiscuous.” A person is promiscuous– it doesn’t make logical sense to describe a sext as promiscuous.

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      • avatar

        Leah July 31, 2012, 3:51 pm

        There’s nothing wrong with Claire’s writing (except the occasional misused word, as above) but it’s a completely different tone than the rest of DW. While the Wendy and most of the comments have a conversational and generally positive and helpful tone, Claire’s writing is pretty sensational and over-the-top. It reads a bit like Cosmo or a tabloid.

        I think this is an issue of trying too hard and not just writing in her own voice.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary July 31, 2012, 3:55 pm

        Agreed, or it reminds me of a college newspaper. I guess it’s all part of the development process of becoming a writer.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 31, 2012, 4:16 pm

        Yeah, there is definitely a Cosmo-ish tone & I think you’re right that she’s trying to find a “voice.” Right now, it’s definitely not her own.

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    • avatar

      Lynn July 31, 2012, 3:14 pm

      “Promiscuous” has several definitions relating to sexual behavior and other things, so don’t harp on her for her word choice. Maybe she could have used a better word, but I understood what she was saying.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 3:18 pm

        I’m not aware of any definition in the dictionary for promiscuous besides: Indiscrimnate/casual sexual relations with multiple partners; Consisting of various different parts brought together to make one whole; Without discrimination; Casual or haphazard.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 31, 2012, 3:21 pm

        I understood what you were saying. A sext, in and of itself, is not necessarily “promiscuous.”

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      • avatar

        Lynn July 31, 2012, 3:27 pm

        I sincerely hope you did not look up the definition of promiscuous to prove a point.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 3:30 pm

        Please direct me to a reputable source for any definition of that word that would prove me wrong.

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      • Crochet.Ninja

        Michelle.Lea July 31, 2012, 3:39 pm

        actually, isnt it a good thing that people go look stuff up?? if you’re disputing her definition, then you should look it up as well, that’s how an actual debate should happen imho…

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 3:40 pm

        I looked it up to double check that I wasn’t being an a-hole, because I don’t want to go around thinking I’m right if I’m actually wrong.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass July 31, 2012, 3:56 pm

        I agree. I once had some chick comment on my FB comment trying to correct my spelling on the word “spelt.” She should have looked it up instead of looking at the dictionary link I posted and then deleting her original comment.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary July 31, 2012, 4:48 pm

        I hate people who correct spelling just to be jerks. I’m sorry that we all didn’t win the 5th grade spelling bee.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass July 31, 2012, 6:19 pm

        The beautiful part was that she was wrong about it!

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh July 31, 2012, 3:17 pm

      i think a better word could have been used as well, although i think the whole tone of the article this is linked to is a little weird too. it makes it seem like the only people who sext are teen girls or people looking to cheat. i sext my husband all the time, and i never once thought i was odd for doing it!

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 3:18 pm

        I agree, the wording of this just seems… So… Cosmo.

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      • avatar

        lolabeans July 31, 2012, 4:56 pm

        holy crap. you’re so negative. like just leave it. we ALL get it you dont like the use of the word. drop it.

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      • avatar

        Trixy Minx July 31, 2012, 5:45 pm

        Sweets isn’t being negative. Its bad wording on Claire’s part by using promiscuous instead of sexy.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 6:56 pm

        My opinion is no less valid as yours, and just because I don’t happen to like something doesn’t automatically mean that I’m being “negative”. Claire is writing on a website known for its eloquent and ‘real’ writing and content in a College Candy tone. I’m not sure if that’s her angle, but I am part of Wendy’s audience (providing many, many site hits every day by myself – though I’m not sure if that will matter if she only tracks unique hits) and Claire will benefit from knowing that different content and angles will appeal to different demographics. Plus, she could have been crucified and personally attacked on less discretionary comment boards if this article with its poor vocab choice were posted elsewhere. I think it would be good for her it she realizes now that she should be personally responsible for making sure that her vocabulary, spelling, and grammatical skills are beyond reproach before she tries to be a successful writer for other sites.

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      • avatar

        lolabeans July 31, 2012, 8:04 pm

        Ok. well, if you dont want me to call it negative, i will call it annoying.

        as i mentioned, you made your point. we all get it. you think it was a poor word choice. i dont think there is a need to repeat that over and over. you’re basically flooding the wall with the same stuff. “Please direct me to a reputable source for any definition of that word that would prove me wrong.”… so obnoxious.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 31, 2012, 8:21 pm

        I see you somehow find me personally offensive. I’m sorry if you find my responding to others’ comments to be annoying, but that’s exactly what a comment board is for. I am not going around copy-and-pasting responses, I am actually responding to posts according to their individual content. I am defending my point when it is called into question – that’s what discussion is meant to be! This is a very good learning experience for a writer who is new to online publishing.

        As for calling that particular post obnoxious… I was called out. I backed up my statement. I requested to be shown how I was wrong. There was no opposing argument. Done. If you find that obnoxious… well… I don’t recommend attending any debate forums as a way to pass the time.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Wendy July 31, 2012, 4:07 pm

      I’ll take the blame here. It was lazy editing on my part to miss the misuse of “promiscuous.” At least Claire is, as I promised her, getting experience dealing with negative feedback.

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      • avatar

        Trixy Minx July 31, 2012, 5:50 pm

        I don’t think one person disliking the tone of the article is all that bad. I’ve been to some sites where the writer gets ripped apart. At least people here still care about giving constructive criticism to Claire because they care.

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      • avatar

        Trixy Minx July 31, 2012, 5:50 pm

        that last part didn’t make sense.. lol.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 31, 2012, 5:53 pm

        We jusgt really care a lot about Claire because we care. Right? πŸ™‚

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      • avatar

        Trixy Minx July 31, 2012, 5:53 pm

        Exactly. lol

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 31, 2012, 8:35 pm

        Oh well if Wendy is the one who chose “promiscuous,” then it’s ok, but not Claire. There, now Claire Bear is getting experience dealing with mean and unfair negative feedback in addition to regular negative feedback.

        I have been so funny ALL DAY!

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    • avatar

      ele4phant July 31, 2012, 7:52 pm

      Ah, this poor intern. Jumped on for every word choice.

      I guess Claire, this is a crash course that’ll help you build a a large vocabulary of unambiguous, value free word choices.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 31, 2012, 8:16 pm

        Value-free? She could have easily used so many words that would not have made her entire paragraph’s intention rather ambiguous… Like: Saucy. That’s the first one that comes to mind. Flirtatious. Naughty. Frisky. Raunchy. Lusty. Dirty. Salacious. Etc, etc, etc.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant July 31, 2012, 9:18 pm

        Right. Value-free. As in generally not considered judgmental (as all those words you offered are great examples of value-free but accurate words Clare could have used). Promiscuous, I would say generally, is just a fancy way of saying slutty, which I think most women take umbrage with.

        I agree it was the wrong word choice, but at the same time, she’s what, 20, 21? This is probably her first time writing for an audience beyond her professors. She’s going to make some mistakes, and choose words that don’t really fit what she means. No reason to jump down her throat about it.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 31, 2012, 9:33 pm

        Okay, that I understand.

        As for jumping down her throat – as far as I understand, she is interning with Wendy because she wants to maybe make a career of being a columnist or something on the internet. She should be aware that there will be very, very nasty people out there who will nitpick her every word and some will even troll her and say horrible things. I didn’t call her names, tell her where she could stick her writing skills, or call for her to be fired from her job, or any other sort of hateful comment. DW is a very safe medium for her to develop her talent, and (believe it or not) I am trying to assist in a way I hope is helpful. Exposure to different opinions are necessary for personal growth, and not all opinions (ESPECIALLY on the internet) will not be congratulatory or cossetting.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 31, 2012, 9:36 pm

        Ugh… double negatives.

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    • Leroy

      Leroy July 31, 2012, 9:30 pm

      WTF is everybody beating up on iClaire ?!?

      @Claire you do not have to take this crap! You are an advice website intern!!
      Be like Wendy does, and bang some heads!!
      If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for all the other website interns, who’ve got nothin’ in their pocket but a dream!

      RRRRRRRR
      AVENGE MEE!
      you know what I mean.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray July 31, 2012, 3:09 pm

    Was the research performed on University of Michigan students? Because we should do the opposite of whatever they think is normal.

    Oh snap.

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    • MaterialsGirl

      MaterialsGirl July 31, 2012, 5:03 pm

      O-H-I-O

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow July 31, 2012, 3:09 pm

    I never thought I was a pervert. But thanks.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 31, 2012, 3:20 pm

      It never once crossed your mind? Come on.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 31, 2012, 3:23 pm

        haha maybe… but not for “sexting.” πŸ˜‰

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      • katie

        katie July 31, 2012, 3:49 pm

        oh snap!

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  • katie

    katie July 31, 2012, 3:18 pm

    is sexting considered to be perverted in other places? im honestly wondering… i didnt know if that was a widely known thing.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson July 31, 2012, 3:22 pm

    Sexting is also a great way to get your pootang-clan all over the internet. Or did I just go to college with asshole guys?

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    • Lili

      Lili July 31, 2012, 3:40 pm

      RIGHT?! My biggest fear in doing ANYTHING that is ‘preserved’ is that it’ll end up on some bad website or youporn or something to that effect.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery August 1, 2012, 1:50 pm

      That’s what I thought, too. Or (if you watch enough Law & Order SVU) end up on a sex offender registry, depending on who eventually gets a mass fwd txt of your bits.

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  • avatar

    Temperance July 31, 2012, 3:25 pm

    I can’t do it! No, seriously, my FMIL’s phone number is ONE DIGIT away from Mr. Temperance’s. They had a family block plan way back when, and … yeah, no.

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    • SweetsAndBeats

      Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 3:38 pm

      Lol, I don’t blame you! One time, I accidentally sent a ridiculously lovey-dovey text (thank goodness it wasnt a sext) to my other instead of my boyfriend at 2 am. She sent a text back along the lines of, “Wow, you’re pathetic”. I wanted to sink into my couch and disappear.

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      • avatar

        Trixy Minx July 31, 2012, 5:46 pm

        Geez.. Your mom is mean. lol. I think mine would have played along or told me to always use protection.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass July 31, 2012, 6:23 pm

        with the missing “m” I first read that as other boyfriend, and I though “lucky mistake” and then reread it.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        Sweetsandbeats July 31, 2012, 6:48 pm

        Haha, yes, darn iPad πŸ™‚

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  • avatar

    lemongrass July 31, 2012, 3:29 pm

    My husband’s number is listed as “Big Stud” on my phone. Does that count as sexting? What about my number being listed as “Snoogliwoogums” in his phone? That’s definitely hot enough to count.

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    • avatar

      Eljay July 31, 2012, 5:19 pm

      OMG “Snoogliwoogums” is absolutely awesome!!! Love that.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass July 31, 2012, 6:22 pm

        It was the most barf-worthy name he could come up with. He likes to do those things. I just wonder about what happens if he gets into an accident and someone looks on his phone to call his wife. Will they call me or just laugh?

        It makes me a good wife to think about these scenarios.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh July 31, 2012, 3:32 pm

    what i found interesting with this article is that it equated sexting to sending nude pictures of yourself. i guess i always felt like my husband and i texting about what we were going to do each other later, etc, etc counted too? i feel like it really focused on that one part in order to make it seem odd. especially including teen girls and cheating. i don’t know. it just seems like they were making sure everyone knew that they thought it was perverted, even if the study said otherwise.

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    • Leroy

      Leroy July 31, 2012, 4:13 pm

      Yes. I think of sexting as sexy texting.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary July 31, 2012, 3:42 pm

    I would argue that sexting has the potential to cause horrible psychological problems if your sexts are shared with your SO’s friends.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary July 31, 2012, 3:46 pm

      and I agree with everyone else on the misuse of the words “pervert” and “promiscuous”, but whatever we understand what you were trying to say ClaireBear.

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    • Budj

      Budj July 31, 2012, 3:56 pm

      and they are…I wouldn’t…but guys I’m friends with do!! Especially post-break up… I mean I know this will be followed by 13 comments saying “so I don’t care”…and if you don’t care I don’t care either…but for those that do – this is your warning!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 31, 2012, 4:09 pm

        Seriously! They are always shared. I have never sexted but I have seen many that my guy friends would share with me after break ups. Why they thought I would want to see them I don’t know. But I think it was more out of spite to purposefully embarrass the girls. I don’t care how nice you think the guy you’re dating is – he’s going to share that shit when your dating life is over. Just because he can.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 31, 2012, 4:20 pm

        I’ve had guy friends show me pictures of girls they JUST started dating, too. Like a “check her out!! HOT, RIGHT??” kind of thing.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary July 31, 2012, 4:46 pm

        That’s so weird! Why do people do that?? And how is that embarassing the girl if she doesn’t know it’s been shared. I dunno. Men are so weird sometimes. As far as I know my BF deletes things after I send them because they are never on his phone, but he could be hiding them secretly to spread all over the internet one day! risk you take.

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      • Budj

        Budj August 1, 2012, 8:47 am

        *Disclaimer* just explaining the thought process and not advocating it because for me a sexting exchange is a private matter.

        I think some guys use it as a “getting over it” tool…sure sometimes it’s to embarass the subject in the photo, but I think another aspect of it is part of the getting over someone phase. If you can show your friends a girl you cared about naked you have probably separated yourself from the relationship.

        Also – if a guy isn’t committed and it is a casual hook up thing with no dating potential there is a good chance he would try to show it off while inebriated or a situation in which that would get him “street-cred” for a lack of a better term…

        Generally I think it would only be used for “embarassment” if the guy went out of his way to make sure she knew people saw it.

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  • Crochet.Ninja

    Michelle.Lea July 31, 2012, 3:40 pm

    i would totally sext my husband all day long if his phone wasnt a work provided phone. i did however send him a cleavage shot once.

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  • avatar

    mainer July 31, 2012, 5:01 pm

    I actually think she used both words correctly. You can have promiscuous sex with one person, it just refers to having a lot of varying sex. Most interpret that as partners, but it can also apply to sex in general. Oral, traditional, butt, aqua, vehicular, public, to just name a few. You could also add in “digital” to that list, which I guess could refer to sexting or the internet or webcams and shit. So being “promiscuous” just means you have many sexual relationships, it isn’t exclusive to number of partners.

    As far as “pervert” goes, a pervert tends to be someone who deviates from some sort of acceptable action. So spying on girls in the shower makes you a pervert since that’s usually frowned upon. I would most definitely say that there are a lot of people who would think sexting is perverted. Obviously if it is a mutually agreed upon act between two people (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend) then that removes the perversion. But if a guy randomly sent you a dick shot or starting detailing what he’d want to do to you out of the blue, you’d most certainly call that dude a perv.

    The whole piece made sense to me. The results of the study I didn’t find particularly shocking. Having a healthy sexual relationship with someone is a good thing. I think sexting will ultimately help couples overall, it gives them an easier and more convenient way to express their feelings/desires rather than waiting until you get home from work and are then too tired so you just decide to watch Dancing With the Stars instead of bone, so then you’re both sexually frustrated and then one day you walk in on him watching midget porn or something.

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  • MaterialsGirl

    MaterialsGirl July 31, 2012, 5:05 pm

    I had an interesting conversation (okay i was listening, she did all the talking ) with a very “young” 24 year old the other day. She was telling me that when she can’t sleep at night, she ‘sexts’ with someone she’s interested in. She was also saying she sexts photos…to which my one reply was “how do you know you can trust them?” Her response, “I don’t send my face in them!” (face palm)

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    • avatar

      Trixy Minx July 31, 2012, 5:48 pm

      Hey if you don’t put your face in the photos you can deny its you. πŸ™‚

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle July 31, 2012, 5:44 pm

    I don’t even know how to sext…..

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  • Kristina

    Kristina July 31, 2012, 6:44 pm

    If you’re gonna sext, and especially if you’re sending or receiving pictures, put a lock/password on your phone. Just saying. It’ll save a lot of trouble for those wandering eyes.

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  • avatar

    Claire August 1, 2012, 10:22 am

    It was a very poor word choice on my end, I’m sorry. Like Wendy said writing online is all a very new experience to me. However, I realize now I do need to be much more careful. Thank you all for your input I appreciate it and will use it to my benefit.

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  • avatar

    AndreaMarie August 1, 2012, 12:40 pm

    First off, I think it’s great that people are pointing out the word-choice issue but she’s an intern and learning, so let’s present it in a way thats educational, explain why the choice was wrong and how it could muddle her message. I don’t understand why some are being nasty about it.

    That said, I love a good sext session. It keeps things exciting, especially when you’re long distance or traveling for work, etc etc

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  • avatar

    kf August 1, 2012, 1:48 pm

    Not to be a wet blanket, but it seems a bit odd to assert that sexting “doesn’t lead to any psychological problems” based on a study of 18-24 year olds. Apart from the fact that anything *can* lead to psychological problems, I woudn’t conculude that smoking doesn’t lead to lung cancer or emphysema from studying 18-24 year olds.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones August 2, 2012, 12:40 am

    One of my friends tried to sext her husband but pushed the wrong button and sent a shot of (you guessed it) her boob to her friend who just happens to be a gay man. I personally don’t like the idea of having my body parts floating around cyberspace….call me old fashioned…

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