It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I am a 50-year-old single mom of four children (only my 16-year-old son is still at home). My 46-year-old man-friend and I have been in a relationship for 10 years. All was ok until three years ago when he moved into my home. It has been pure hell since then! He drinks every day when he comes home from work. He’ll have 3-4 glasses of Hennessy on the rocks AND 6-7 beers before passing out by 8 p.m. On the weekends he drinks double this amount starting 8 AM. He gets mean, rude, loud, and nasty towards me. I cannot take him to social functions with family and friends because he will get intoxicated and embarrass me badly. I was so in love with him before he moved in and was going to marry him, but, after I have begged and pleaded with him to stop so much drinking, he refuses. I am so miserable I am wanting him to get out and us to break up. He thinks I am ridiculous but refuses to try for the sake of us. Am I wrong for wanting to break it off if he will not try to stop drinking or get help? — Has Had Enough
The only thing you’re “wrong” about in wanting to leave this loser is not doing it three years ago when you realized what you were dealing with. MOA and aim higher!!
This guy and I have talked a few times. The first time we started talking I was not really interested in him. Then we started talking for a few months and hooked up. After that things got weird and we stopped talking. About six months after that, he asked me to go to a wedding we were both invited to. We went and had a great time and continued to talk and do things on the weekends for another month or so. Once again things got weird and he sent me a text saying he really liked me and had a great time with me but he was messed up and didn’t know what he wanted and that he just didn’t think he was sexually attracted to me. Of course, we stopped talking, but we have seen each other out and he’s always really nice to me. When we did hang out, it was always around other people and we were usually drinking, so I never felt like we actually just spent time together talking and getting to know each other. I do really like this person. Is there anything I can do to change his mind or win him back? — He’s Really Nice to Me
Why would you want him back? He was never yours to begin with, you said you didn’t really get to know he each other, he ghosted you twice, he told you he’s messed up, and, oh yeah, he said he’s not sexually attracted to you. Jesus, aim higher.
I was hooking up with this guy for about a month. We never talked about what we were and we never established any rules, but I would sleep over and he would take me out to lunch/dinner and all of that. I had even hung out with him and his friends. This lasted about a month. At a party he knew I was going to be at he hooked up with another girl in front of me and ended up in the same cab back, with her on his lap! I was absolutely devastated. He didn’t even apologize the next day. He tried talking to me as if nothing had happened, and he acted surprised and annoyed that I was “acting hurt.”
What could have been his motivation for spending time and money on me only to throw me away like that!? How do I move on? I’m still so hurt from it and have even considered contacting him to get answers. — Devastated
His motivation was sex. He spent time and money on you because he wanted sex from you. He hooked up with another girl in front of you because he wanted sex from her. His actions prove he doesn’t care about you. You were honestly just someone to have sex with. The guy’s a jerk. Come on, that should be motivation to just MOA. Don’t contact him for “answers.” (The answer is he wanted sex from you and then he wanted sex from someone else more than he wanted sex from you; he was motivated purely by his own desire and nothing else mattered). Just move on. And if you can’t figure out how to move on from a casual month-long hookup with a douche-waffle, then you need more help than I can give you here.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.