Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: Aim Higher, Aim Higher, Aim Higher, Aim Higher!

Screen Shot 2015-03-13 at 10.12.15 AMIt’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I am a 50-year-old single mom of four children (only my 16-year-old son is still at home). My 46-year-old man-friend and I have been in a relationship for 10 years. All was ok until three years ago when he moved into my home. It has been pure hell since then! He drinks every day when he comes home from work. He’ll have 3-4 glasses of Hennessy on the rocks AND 6-7 beers before passing out by 8 p.m. On the weekends he drinks double this amount starting 8 AM. He gets mean, rude, loud, and nasty towards me. I cannot take him to social functions with family and friends because he will get intoxicated and embarrass me badly. I was so in love with him before he moved in and was going to marry him, but, after I have begged and pleaded with him to stop so much drinking, he refuses. I am so miserable I am wanting him to get out and us to break up. He thinks I am ridiculous but refuses to try for the sake of us. Am I wrong for wanting to break it off if he will not try to stop drinking or get help? — Has Had Enough

 
The only thing you’re “wrong” about in wanting to leave this loser is not doing it three years ago when you realized what you were dealing with. MOA and aim higher!!

This guy and I have talked a few times. The first time we started talking I was not really interested in him. Then we started talking for a few months and hooked up. After that things got weird and we stopped talking. About six months after that, he asked me to go to a wedding we were both invited to. We went and had a great time and continued to talk and do things on the weekends for another month or so. Once again things got weird and he sent me a text saying he really liked me and had a great time with me but he was messed up and didn’t know what he wanted and that he just didn’t think he was sexually attracted to me. Of course, we stopped talking, but we have seen each other out and he’s always really nice to me. When we did hang out, it was always around other people and we were usually drinking, so I never felt like we actually just spent time together talking and getting to know each other. I do really like this person. Is there anything I can do to change his mind or win him back? — He’s Really Nice to Me

 
Why would you want him back? He was never yours to begin with, you said you didn’t really get to know he each other, he ghosted you twice, he told you he’s messed up, and, oh yeah, he said he’s not sexually attracted to you. Jesus, aim higher.

I was hooking up with this guy for about a month. We never talked about what we were and we never established any rules, but I would sleep over and he would take me out to lunch/dinner and all of that. I had even hung out with him and his friends. This lasted about a month. At a party he knew I was going to be at he hooked up with another girl in front of me and ended up in the same cab back, with her on his lap! I was absolutely devastated. He didn’t even apologize the next day. He tried talking to me as if nothing had happened, and he acted surprised and annoyed that I was “acting hurt.”
What could have been his motivation for spending time and money on me only to throw me away like that!? How do I move on? I’m still so hurt from it and have even considered contacting him to get answers. — Devastated

 
His motivation was sex. He spent time and money on you because he wanted sex from you. He hooked up with another girl in front of you because he wanted sex from her. His actions prove he doesn’t care about you. You were honestly just someone to have sex with. The guy’s a jerk. Come on, that should be motivation to just MOA. Don’t contact him for “answers.” (The answer is he wanted sex from you and then he wanted sex from someone else more than he wanted sex from you; he was motivated purely by his own desire and nothing else mattered). Just move on. And if you can’t figure out how to move on from a casual month-long hookup with a douche-waffle, then you need more help than I can give you here.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

30 comments… add one
  • avatar

    ktfran March 13, 2015, 8:20 am

    LW1 – Do you really want your relationship with this drunk to be an example to your 16 year old son? Come one. Grow up. Put your foot down. Kick him out. And explain to your son that is not what a relationship should look like and you didn’t have the backbone to end it sooner.

    LW2 and LW3 – Wow. Just wow. I have nothing constructive to say. I guess what I said to LW 1 wasn’t nice either, but I addressed it because a child was involved.

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  • the_optimist

    the_optimist March 13, 2015, 8:26 am

    Can someone explain to me when “talking” stopped meaning “speaking to one another out loud?” I’ve heard this term used a lot, and probably because I am getting old, I just do not understand it very well. “Talking” = hooking up? “Talking” = not talking?

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    • Portia

      Portia March 13, 2015, 8:40 am

      I was also confused and had to read that letter a few times, and I also don’t get the euphemistic use of “talking.” But I also thought “talking a few times” meant something like “being around each other a few times” but it sounds like these few times were actually stretches of time and not single events.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover March 13, 2015, 8:56 am

      I asked that question before on here too. The answer is it’s like casual dating, but even more casual. Like, they won’t call it “dating” because that’s too strong. Personally I think it’s an issue because it’s such a grey area and it seems like the two people involved often have a completely different idea of what they’re doing. Typically it looks like the woman thinks they’re dating and the man thinks they’re FWB, from what I’ve seen. But nothing has been talked about, so neither of them really knows.
      .
      Actually it’s the opposite of “talking”. It’s going with the flow without talking about what it is you’re doing or expecting.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy March 13, 2015, 9:31 am

        “Talking” = Words and sex without any kind of actual communication at all

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    • avatar

      cleopatra jones March 13, 2015, 10:51 am

      When I was growing up (in the 80’s & 90’s), ‘talking’ always meant that we were talking about if we wanted to be official (as in girlfriend/boyfriend). It was always the stage before we got serious and kicked every other prospect to the curb.
      .
      Nowadays, I think people use it kind of the same but they are adding in the sexual component (I blame rom-coms for that). Not that there’s anything wrong with casual sex (if that’s what you want) but too many young’uns think they should get to know someone after you’ve been intimate.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery March 13, 2015, 11:32 am

      Jeezus, this is exactly what I came here to ask. Wtf is with all the talking? There should not be this much drama with someone you just talk to, which leads me to believe this is a euphemism for something.
      .
      So how about, stop “talking” to this guy…

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      • Diablo

        Diablo March 13, 2015, 11:40 am

        This use of “talk” always makes me flash on an old Kids in the Hall sketch, where douchey old business guys try to pick up young girls with lines like, “My wife’s out of town for 40 minutes;, let’s get together and ‘talk.'” (Actually a video for a Britney-like popstar; the song is “I Ain’t Gonna Spread for No Roses.”)

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      • Diablo

        Diablo March 13, 2015, 11:44 am

        Actually, you all may need to see this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr3E94fVifk.

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      • Just Max

        Just Max March 13, 2015, 12:48 pm

        Oh my god. Hilarious!

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover March 13, 2015, 11:58 am

        KITH! Do Americans even know who they are? On a related note, I just got Hip tickets for Canada Day!!!!! 🙂

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      • Diablo

        Diablo March 13, 2015, 12:36 pm

        Woot!

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      • Cassie

        Cassie March 13, 2015, 11:55 pm

        Is it like the Canadian Monty Python?

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      • Pamplemousse Rose

        Pamplemousse Rose March 14, 2015, 9:25 am

        Personally I don’t like the Hip that much, but as a Canadian I felt obligated to like this 🙂

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  • Portia

    Portia March 13, 2015, 8:31 am

    My first thought: is it really Friday already? Eff, I have a potluck to cook for tonight!
    .
    LW1: Your “man-friend” is an alcoholic. You still have a kid at home. Get that cleared up by doing WWS and get him out of your house!
    .
    LW2: His show-and-text was clear: he does not want to be with you. Find someone who does.
    .
    LW3 sounds like Logan and Rory on Gilmore Girls, except I don’t see this situation going like that (confession: the most terrible thing Netflix has done to my productivity was put Gilmore Girls and Friends on streaming). Yeah, that’s all I got…

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  • gigi

    gigi March 13, 2015, 8:58 am

    Douch-waffle!!

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    • avatar

      booknerd March 13, 2015, 9:27 am

      Lol!

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom March 13, 2015, 9:12 am

    For some reason it seems women today are afraid to ask for what they really want for fear of seeming needy or something so they settle for much less. Because so many are doing this, guys get away with not having to make a commitment, or even actually date because there’s always someone willing to give them what they want (AKA sex). At some point they realize they’re ready to settle down and at that point it’s all about timing. Now if you’re OK with casual sex then go for it. But if what you’re really wanting is a relationship you need to spend more time getting to know a person. Bottom line is don’t settle and disrespectful yourself for not getting what you really want.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo March 13, 2015, 9:55 am

    Ladies, if you find yourselves asking what a dude’s motivation is, before writing to a wise and beautiful advice columnist, maybe run down the top ten checklist for guy motivations and see if any of those maybe fit. Let’s review: 1. Sex. 2. Sex. 3. “Boom!” 4. “Zoom!” 5. Sex, Drugs and RocknRoll. 6. Whiskey. 7 Sex. 8. Oral Sex. 9. FWB. 10. Real Friendship & Love. Honestly, I may have number 10 too far up the list. Once you are sure none of these is motivating your guy, then ask for advice about why he slept with you then ghosted you. Honestly, it’s women that are mysterious. Guys are mostly horndogs. As always, sorry for giving the bad news.

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    • avatar

      RedroverRedrover March 13, 2015, 10:21 am

      Everyone’s mysterious when you’re trying to sleep with them. I don’t think it’s a gendered thing. It’s a delicate dance where you’re each try to get what you want, while trying to figure out what the other person wants, without giving away your hand in case you don’t match. Humans are a mess.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo March 13, 2015, 10:24 am

        RR, I find your comment far too sensitive and nuanced a response to my silly top ten list. And honestly, I think maybe oral should have been higher than number 8. But thank you for playing.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover March 13, 2015, 11:56 am

        Hahahaha many apologies!!!! 🙂

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    • Portia

      Portia March 13, 2015, 10:31 am

      I’ve definitely been watching too much Friends lately (such a thing may not exist), but: https://i.imgflip.com/isqjj.gif

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  • avatar

    Anonymous March 13, 2015, 10:17 am

    FFS, you have a full blown alcoholic living in your house. STOP exposing your son to this poor excuse for a ‘man friend’ and kick him out already!

    Question, do douche waffles come with any special toppings? Maybe a nice dingle berry compote?

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones March 13, 2015, 11:01 am

    I just have to keep repeating the phrase “douche waffle” silently to myself over and over and cracking up. Is there something wrong with me? Do I have OCD?

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    • Diablo

      Diablo March 13, 2015, 11:36 am

      Obsessive Compulsive Douchorder?

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    • avatar

      MsMisery March 13, 2015, 11:59 am

      Isn’t it like an earworm, not being able to get a word out of your head? I was reading an article on Gawker yesterday and the author used the expression “shit the bed” and I just lost it. I’ve heard it before but for some reason I could not handle it yesterday. I could not comprehend the rest of the article and was in gigglefits for a good hour, mumbling “shit the bed!” to myself.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny March 13, 2015, 11:44 am

    I don’t understand this part: The guy in letter 2 invited her to a wedding she was already invited to? And that’s a big deal because…?
    Otherwise, wws.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh March 13, 2015, 11:50 am

      Duh because he asked her to go in to the wedding together. That means something, right?

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      • avatar

        cleopatra jones March 13, 2015, 12:22 pm

        but maybe he meant together, together and not together?

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