Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “He Dumped Me But He Still Texts Every Day”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I’m 21 and my 19-year-old boyfriend broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. To make a long story short, he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. Since then we have been texting almost every day and FaceTiming (only). Even though he maintains that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, when we are together it feels like we never broke up. He even looks in my eyes and tells me multiple times that he loves me. Part of me thinks that I should stop talking to him because he stated that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. However, the other part of me truly believes that he is confused and that eventually we will get back together. Best part yet: my period is late!!! What should I do? — Fake Cougar Ex

 
He dumped you. Why are you texting and FaceTiming every day? If you’re hoping you might eventually get back together, you have to actually create some space and distance for the missing you to happen (not that it necessarily will, but it definitely won’t if you’re always in touch and always available when he wants to talk). Finally, if your period is late, take a pregnancy test for crying out loud. And see a doctor about STD testing, too. When a 19-year-old boy dumps a girlfriend he says he loves, it’s usually because he wants to screw someone else (and may have already started before he dumped you).

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend now for about nine months, but we just recently made it official. Although we have a title, according to me everything is not fine. He is a business owner and a full-time father and completely married to his business and family. He rarely has time to take me on dates or surprise me with gifts. When we do spend time together, he’s exhausted and I get only a few hours of talking before he is out cold. How can I incorporate myself into his circle more? I’ve been patient and pleasing, but now we are going on a year and I would like to get a little more out of the relationship. I’m not sure what the next move is? — Needs More

 
Why did you make it “official” if you aren’t happy in the relationship? And why didn’t you use that milestone as an opportunity to discuss your needs and how they aren’t being met? Obviously, a “title” doesn’t mean squat if you aren’t getting what you want. So communicate to your boyfriend that you would like more of his time and to feel better integrated into his life. If you don’t see a change in the next few weeks, I think you need to chalk this up to being at different places in your life and not being a good match for each other right now.

I’ve been single for a year now. I’m pretty and intelligent and, yeah, I know I’m a catch. Most of my friends don’t know why I’m still single and they think I’m not over my ex, but the truth is I’ve not met the guy who I really want to get to know. Recently, my friend tried hooking me up, but I couldn’t make it to the date because I had to do my nails. I passed by her house afterward and the guy came by with a friend I had met once. They both took my number and I started talkin’ and Skyping with the other guy. Two weeks later, the friend came back to town for business and we hung out. He kissed me and I responded. I mean, a girl has to live, right? My date told me the next day that he’s coming to town and he wants to get to know me. I decided to come clean about kissing his friend, and he cancelled our plans. Truth is, I really liked him just from our first meeting, but now he doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with his friend since he thinks his friend likes me (but to his friend, what happened is purely physical). — Regretting The Kiss

 
I guess there are two lessons here: nails can wait; if you like a guy and he asks for your number, don’t kiss a friend while you’re waiting for him to call.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

79 comments… add one
  • kare

    kare May 23, 2014, 9:10 am

    I feel like LW just wrote in to humble brag.
    “Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT.”

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    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyinPurpleNotRed May 23, 2014, 9:10 am

      Such a great episode

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  • lemongrass

    lemongrass May 23, 2014, 9:10 am

    Lw1: just stop.

    Lw2: how many surprise gifts are you expecting to get???

    Lw3: dramaaaaaaaa.

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    • avatar

      Morgan May 23, 2014, 9:42 am

      I know, right? I didn’t realize that was an expectation I was supposed to have for my relationship. I should tell boyfriend he has a lot of surprise gifts to make up for or else I am out of here.

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      • avatar

        AKchic May 23, 2014, 12:27 pm

        I’m just surprised when my house is cleaned to my specifications and he’s out of his pajamas when I get home. I’m really surprised if he doesn’t ask for a nap when I get home (he falls asleep before me, gets up after me, and takes at least one nap while all of the kids are at school – fucker sleeps TOO MUCH. Either that, or I’m jealous of not only his ability to take a nap whenever he wants, but also his ability to fall asleep at the drop of a hat).

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  • katie

    Katie May 23, 2014, 9:15 am

    Ah, yes, a LW’s period being late is always the best part… Sigh…

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    • katie

      Katie May 23, 2014, 9:26 am

      I got mushrooms in my omelette this morning… Who is proud of me??

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      • avatar

        bethany May 23, 2014, 10:30 am

        YUM. What else? I hope there was bacon in there, too.

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      • avatar

        ktfran May 23, 2014, 10:32 am

        You guys, while at an olive oil store, I picked up bacon jam. BACON JAM. It’s delicious. Sometime this weekend, I want to try an make pancakes with it.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster May 23, 2014, 11:05 am

        Have you ever had bacon frosting? There used to be this awesome bakery in my neighborhood that sold a milton chocolate cake with the option of vanilla or bacon frosting. Like the third time I ordered vanilla the pastry chef basically refused to let me have it if I didn’t try the bacon frosting. (Yes I went in there so frequently that I was friendly with the pastry chef… you would too if you lived near this place!). But OMG BACON FROSTING. omnomnomnom.

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      • avatar

        ktfran May 23, 2014, 11:10 am

        I have not, but I’m intrigued.It sounds delicious!

        The dude who worked at the soup/sub shot down the street knew me. I use to get free food all the time. Then he quit. Sad face.

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      • katie

        Katie May 23, 2014, 10:50 am

        Yes to bacon. Also peppers and spinach. And cheese, because duh.

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      • avatar

        ktfran May 23, 2014, 11:11 am

        I would appreciate in invite next time. Thanks.

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      • katie

        Katie May 23, 2014, 11:36 am

        Oh don’t be too jealous- it was at the restaurant inside a doubletree. It wasn’t like… Amazing.

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    • avatar

      MissyC May 23, 2014, 9:52 am

      I’m really hoping that “best part” was a bit of sarcasm? That might be wishful thinking though…

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  • LlamaPajamas

    LlamaPajamas May 23, 2014, 9:21 am

    LW1: Of course your period is late. P.S. I look my cats in the eyes and tell them I love them all the time, but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship with either of them.
    LW2: What are you expecting to get out of this, other than a bunch of surprise gifts? Are you, like, OK with the relationship if he doesn’t have any time for you but you get more surprise gifts?
    LW3: Surely someone as smart, pretty, and sassy as you can find someone to date other than these two guys. Besides, isn’t the one you like long distance if he’s visiting you when he’s in town for business? P.S. I think I know why you’re single if you want me to explain it to your friends.

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    • avatar

      bethany May 23, 2014, 10:32 am

      Every morning before I leave for work I look Calzo in the eye and tell him I love him, just in case he dies while I’m gone.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson May 23, 2014, 11:31 am

        Oh god me too. I also tell him to have a good day. And then I spend the first 10 minutes of my commute wondering if I left my curling iron on (I never curl my hair during the week) and if he’s going to die in a house fire and it’ll all be my fault.

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  • Amanda

    Amanda May 23, 2014, 9:22 am

    LW 1: Trust your first instinct stop talking to him.

    LW 2: You two have different sets of priorities. The guy is a father and a business owner and he manages to arrange time to see you. I’d say you’re in his “inner circle”. But, if you’re not happy, speak up!

    LW 3: Uh, yeah. I got nothing. Except I think I’m going to start using “I mean, a girl has to live, right?” as justification for ALL my decisions.

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    • othy

      othy May 23, 2014, 11:01 am

      I think “a girl has to live, right” is just an updated version of yolo.

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      • Cassie

        Cassie May 23, 2014, 1:01 pm

        The next hot phrase: AGHASTLR

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  • avatar

    rieux May 23, 2014, 9:41 am

    LW2: Does anyone else think “only a few hours of talking before he passes out” is even more hilarious than the surprise gifts thing? I am baby-free and STILL the only way my fiance can get me to stay awake for “a few hours of talking” is if we’re having an argument.

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    • katie

      Katie May 23, 2014, 9:51 am

      Lol isn’t “a few hours before passing out” just like… Life?

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      • avatar

        bethany May 23, 2014, 10:36 am

        I get home from work around 545, Dave goes to bed around 10. You could say we only hang out for a few hours before he passes out. WTF? I should probably write to Wendy about this.

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      • avatar

        ktfran May 23, 2014, 10:47 am

        Dump him. He’s an a hole. Especially if you’re only gift is a breakfast sandwhich. So not worth the effort.

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      • avatar

        bethany May 23, 2014, 11:03 am

        You’re totally right.

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    • avatar

      Sue Jones May 23, 2014, 10:38 am

      Yeah, after 9:30 or 10PM I am toast. I literally crash out mid-sentence.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl May 23, 2014, 11:24 am

      I fell asleep mid argument last night. Whoops. Guess GGuy should write Wendy!

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    • avatar

      Ella_ May 23, 2014, 1:41 pm

      How much talking do you need??? If my boyfriend wanted to talk for five hours every night after work, exercise, dinner, dishes, etc. he would be nuts.

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl May 23, 2014, 9:44 am

    LW2 Why are you dating him if you don’t like him?????

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 23, 2014, 11:57 am

      Duh GG, everyone has to date!

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      • avatar

        Wendy (not Wendy) May 23, 2014, 12:36 pm

        Jeez, a girl’s got to live!

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    • avatar

      Ella_ May 23, 2014, 1:41 pm

      I guess attention from someone who you are “meh” about is better than no attention? Sadly, I have a friend like this.

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  • avatar

    joanna May 23, 2014, 9:52 am

    LW1- Stressing about whether you’re going to get your period or not will make you miss it. It’s happened to me before. If you don’t want to stress about pregnancy then do yourself a favor and ask your gynecologist for an IUD. They last about 5 years before you have to replace them and you can always choose to have the doctor take it out when you’re ready for children. It’s still up to you whether to use condoms to protect against STDs but at least you won’t be stressed about being pregnant.

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  • avatar

    ktfran May 23, 2014, 9:58 am

    WHAT. THE. FUCK. LWs 1, 2 AND 3.
    .
    LW1 – He wants to fuck other people. But while he’s not out doing the deed with someone, he likes the comfort you offer. And yeah, the sex. As Wendy said, get some distance and you’ll realize this is really a dick move. I’ll also chalk this one up to age, so I apologize, this isn’t really a WTF thing. I’m sorry. But the others…. COME ON. I CAN’T EVEN.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 May 23, 2014, 10:17 am

    Hilarious, especially LW3.

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    • shanshantastic

      shanshantastic May 23, 2014, 10:25 am

      Man, LW 3 has moxie. You can’t keep a girl down! YOLO! Carpe diem! (Or carpe other guy’s lips, or something.)

      (I’m out of tired cliches.)

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 May 23, 2014, 11:26 am

        The mail man was right, they do be crazy.

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      • TheLadyE

        Elisse May 23, 2014, 12:38 pm

        Big Bang FTW.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster May 23, 2014, 11:47 am

        Am I the only person who hates YOLO? Like every time I see it I inwardly roll my eyes.

        Maybe it’s because of my cousin’s boyfriend’s FB statuses. He’s constantly writing things like “Gotta take a run to the grocery store YOLO.”
        “Hitting the gym. YOLO.”
        That doesn’t mean what you think it means!!
        (Forgive the html codes if they don’t work. I get annoyed when I can’t see line breaks!!)

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      • avatar

        AKchic May 23, 2014, 12:30 pm

        I HATE “YOLO”. I seriously do. Of course, I also don’t like it when people say “LOL” in conversation.

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      • avatar

        Sailor May 23, 2014, 3:08 pm

        “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means…..”

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      • avatar

        Marcie May 23, 2014, 3:25 pm

        I actually LOVE saying YOLO. Ironically, though. Does that make me a hipster?

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  • shanshantastic

    shanshantastic May 23, 2014, 10:24 am

    So…

    LW 1: He doesn’t want to be with you. Move on.
    LW 2: Talk to him. Also, accept that dating a man with children will (hopefully!) mean you are not the #1 priority. Decide if you can deal with that.
    LW 3: *shaking my head*

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  • avatar

    bethany May 23, 2014, 10:28 am

    Are there really grown people out there who expect to be surprised with gifts on a regular basis? Sometimes my husband surprises me with a breakfast sandwich. Does that count?

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    • LlamaPajamas

      LlamaPajamas May 23, 2014, 10:37 am

      Yes! Food is the only kind of surprise I want. Sometimes Llama Guy brings me flowers and I’m like, that’s sweet but I can’t eat them. Bring me a cupcake next time, dammit. And he’s still going to marry me.

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    • muchachaenlaventana

      muchachaenlaventana May 23, 2014, 10:46 am

      if it has bacon and avocado I would take that over a surprise gift any day.

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    • katie

      Katie May 23, 2014, 10:49 am

      Are these breakfast sandwiches lined with gold, or at least wrapped in gold? If not, a letter to Wendy May be in order.

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    • othy

      othy May 23, 2014, 11:03 am

      Man, all Othello surprises me with is a nicely mowed lawn or a swept/mopped house. I must be doing something wrong and he must not love me.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana May 23, 2014, 11:28 am

        eek yeah, sounds like its time for you to MOA

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      • othy

        othy May 23, 2014, 1:29 pm

        And now he just let me know that he did the laundry. But no presents, so I’m not sure what his deal is.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 23, 2014, 11:58 am

      YES! Wtf Bethany! If by regular basis, you mean daily, then no. That’s just crazy. I only expect one every third day.

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    • avatar

      AllegroFox May 23, 2014, 12:21 pm

      The other day I came home from work dreading having to feed myself and when I walked in my boyfriend said “Hey, I ordered Japanese food for lunch and I ordered some extra for you to have for dinner! It’s in the fridge.” OMG YES. Food gifts are the best gifts.

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      • othy

        othy May 23, 2014, 12:55 pm

        What, he didn’t have it hot and waiting for you when you came home? Tsk.

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    • avatar

      Ella_ May 23, 2014, 1:43 pm

      I want surprise gifts! Although anytime my boyfriend buys beer, he always picks me up some cider, so I guess that’s my surprise gift? Or ginger beer, yum!

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope May 23, 2014, 10:29 am

    LW3- So you’re pretty and intelligent(?) and “a real catch” who can blow guys off because you’re too busy doing your nails? Maybe your question should have been “how can I develop a little humility?”

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  • avatar

    bethany May 23, 2014, 10:37 am

    So do you guys think LW3 even bothered to call the guy, or did she just stand him up while she got her nails done?

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    • LlamaPajamas

      LlamaPajamas May 23, 2014, 10:40 am

      I think she stood him up because, like shanshantastic said, YOLO!

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl May 23, 2014, 10:40 am

      Haha, I’d bet no call. I think in the past 3 years I’ve gotten my nails done…3 times? Once for my wedding, once for our engagement photos….yeah.

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    • Miel

      Miel May 23, 2014, 11:59 am

      You can’t call while your nails are being done. It will ruin everything if you just put your hand in your purse. Duh.

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  • avatar

    Essie May 23, 2014, 10:50 am

    Oh, good Lord.

    LW2, unless one of your parents is an official royal personage, you are not a princess. Stop expecting to be treated like one.

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    • avatar

      Essie May 23, 2014, 10:58 am

      And if you do want to be pampered and doted on and brought surprise gifts all the time, why are you dating a guy who’s a father and running a business? Find some single rich guy who doesn’t have to work and has no other commitments besides you.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster May 23, 2014, 10:01 am

    “I’m intelligent”
    “I couldn’t make it to the date because I had to do my nails.”

    Nope.

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  • Portia

    Portia May 23, 2014, 11:12 am

    Oy, these LWs are something else…

    LW1: You want a relationship. He does not. “Feeling like a relationship” is not a relationship. Stop sleeping with him and MOA.

    LW2: Relationship titles do not come with definitions on how they must be lived. You want more time and surprise presents? You have to ask him for it. If you need that and he can’t give it to you (because he is a full-time father and business owner, so it’s not looking good), MOA.

    LW3: Telling a guy that you haven’t dated yet that you kissed his friend is an easy dealbreaker. You didn’t cheat on him, why the honesty urge? Also, you literally chose your nails over a guy. If you don’t want your friends to help you out there, just tell your friends to stop trying to set you up right now because you’re not looking for that. If you keep doing what you’re doing, I promise no one will want to set you up anymore.

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope May 23, 2014, 11:23 am

    Gator Girl–Hot tip. Do your own nails at night and the next morning, when they’re completely dry, run them under water and peel the nailpolish off the skin (if you’re as messy as I am). It peels right off (but stays perfect on the nails) and looks like you’ve had it done professionally.

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    • avatar

      Kicia May 23, 2014, 11:29 am

      Yes! This really works. This is how I do my nails all the time. It works best while you’re in the shower the next morning. You just have to be careful not to peel too much off. I’ve had that happen.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl May 23, 2014, 11:42 am

      Oh yeah, I do my nails at home semi-regularly! I just can’t justify sending all the money to have someone else do it! (Or like missing out on say a date for nails.)
      .
      I need to do my toes tonight. I’m not sure what color though.

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    • kare

      kare May 23, 2014, 1:43 pm

      If I’m doing a glitter polish or design for a special occasion, I use Elmer’s glue as a base coat. Then I can just peel off the Polish when I’m tired of it. OPI now makes a peelable base coat, but I like my cheap DIY version.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed May 23, 2014, 1:44 pm

        That’s GENIUS!

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  • Diablo

    Diablo May 23, 2014, 11:30 am

    LW1: Why is your potential unplanned pregnancy not the thing that is bothering you? Seriously!
    LW2: Surprise you with gifts? Ugh, I’m so glad my wife was just looking for an equal to share love with. Gifts are given, not expected. The only gifts you should EVER concern yourself with are the ones you want to give to others. Also, he works his ass of as a father and a business owner and you are let down that he only has time for a “few hours” of talking before he drops from exhaustion? How many hours of talking do you need to feel appreciated?
    LW3: Couldn’t make the date because you had to do your nails, huh? So, what, the plans for the date were made while you were already in the middle of doing your nails, so you couldn’t get them done in time for the date? Or are you just a self-involved egomaniac with zero interest in common courtesy? Yeah, you’re a catch, alright. Some poor bastard’s going to catch you like a disease.

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    • Miel

      Miel May 23, 2014, 12:02 pm

      “The only gifts you should EVER concern yourself with are the ones you want to give to others. ”
      THIS!

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  • avatar

    Lindsay May 23, 2014, 11:34 am

    “Truth is, I really liked him just from our first meeting, but now he doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with his friend since he thinks his friend likes me (but to his friend, what happened is purely physical).”

    A part of me thinks that it’s less about some bro code thing. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone either who met me and a friend at one time and then went after my friend. Nobody wants to be somebody’s leftovers, and it’s a little hard to believe that someone liked you better when they choose someone else.

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    • avatar

      Wendy (not Wendy) May 23, 2014, 12:39 pm

      Yeah, I kind of wish I knew the guy so I could applaud him for being a sensible human being. “Fuck that drama”, he’s saying somewhere.

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  • avatar

    bethany May 23, 2014, 12:03 pm

    Am I the only one who thinks fingernails are disgusting? I keep mine super short, and haven’t gotten a manicure since I got married almost 3 years ago.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 23, 2014, 12:08 pm

      I think nasty fingernails are disgusting I guess, but if they are clean and not jagged edges, they don’t bother me. Feet on the other hand (or foot?) – ick!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster May 23, 2014, 12:29 pm

        One of my friends always has a couple really long fingernails that are half broken, usually on her ring fingers and pinkies, while the other ones are short. It makes me crazy. I want to file them for her.

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    • theattack

      theattack May 23, 2014, 5:28 pm

      I do, bethany! But I also think it’s gross to see nails that are super short where there’s skin exposed on the top. I try to keep mine only very slightly (like one millimeter) past my finger tip so they’re not noticeable.

      I recently met someone with loooong fingernails that were all pointed and weird, and I almost wanted to hurl.

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  • avatar

    MsMisery May 23, 2014, 1:46 pm

    So, did I miss a new feature on the website or is something weird going on? The LW’s posts seem to have completely unrelated hyperlinks? Always to the same stuff? “An oral history of max fish”? Sorry if I missed the explanation for this. I haven’t clicked on these because they seem, uh, fishy.

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  • findingtheearth

    findingtheearth May 23, 2014, 1:49 pm

    “A girl has needs, right?” Is how I got pregnant. Just sayin, LW3 – think about your actions.

    LW1 – NO.

    LW2: If a man who has a busy schedule already makes time for you on a regular basis, be happy. Is presence is a present.

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