It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I met this amazing guy three months ago and everything was perfect…until two weeks ago when he started acting weird and hiding his phone. It turns out he was talking to a girl who is a Facebook scammer after money. He gave her $200 to meet, so I broke up with him. Two days later he said he was sorry and that he had made a big mistake and regretted it. I checked his phone last night and he has still been messaging her but nothing of detail or any flirting. He then told me that his cousin told him that his ex is pregnant. Everyone, including the ex, thinks it’s another guy’s baby, but my boyfriend is freaking out that it could be his. I’m so confused. He’s perfect, but this drama isn’t. I’m happy he told me, and, when I asked him if he would want to be with her, he said no. I believe him as I know her. But I can’t handle being broken again. — Anti-Drama
Oh, honey. Two and a half months in and he’s paying women on Facebook to meet them and then announcing that he may have a baby on the way with his recent ex? Aim higher.
I have been dating this guy for almost a year and we have plans to get married, too. Right now he and I are butting heads over where we should live when we get married. He doesn’t want to live anywhere near the areas I live because that’s where most of my exes have lived and he says people talk all the time. But my family would like to see me stay around here when I get married. He says either we live out by where he’s currently living or move somewhere new. What should I do — be willing to live by him and be an hour and a half away from my family or don’t marry him because he’s not willing to move here so I can be close to my family? — Living the Dream
Don’t marry him. But not because he wants you to move an hour and a half away from family (I mean, that’s nothing); don’t marry him because neither of you sounds ready or invested enough in each other for marriage. I mean, really. If you can’t fathom moving some place to be with your wife because there might be people in a 50-mile radius she has slept with, that’s idiotic. And if you can’t fathom moving a measly hour and a half away from your family for the person you supposedly love and want to spend your life with, you’re just not into it. MOA.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.
LW1, there is no such thing as a “perfect” boyfriend/significant other. I wish more people realized that. Everyone has flaws. Everyone has their imperfections. You learn to love your significant other despite those imperfections. Yet, it sounds like this guy is full of drama…drama that you don’t need in your life. He won’t ever be the boyfriend you want him to be.
I dunno, my ex was perfecto! For a minute.
Was it for the one minute after sex?
Drama and jealousy. I’d be more afraid of being alone in a new place with all that jealousy going on.
Wendy’s responses are perfect. I have to say that I think the guy in the second letter sends up a red flag about his controlling behavior with the “He doesn’t want to live anywhere near the areas I live because that’s where most of my exes have lived and he says people talk all the time.” Yeah, wanting you to relocate for that reason is super sketchy.
For real. I mean, if my hypothetical future husband didn’t want me to live within a 50 mile radius of people I’ve slept with, I would have to move to another country.
I’M TOTALLY KIDDING PEOPLE!
Happy Friday.
$200 just to meet someone?! How can I get in on this? Damn.
You can pay me to meet me 🙂 I’ll even give you a discount. $175.
I wonder if it’s similar to the scam they do on online dating sites, where they steal some good looking person’s pictures to use in their profile, and they are like, “I’m a wealthy business person in London!” or “I work on the oil rigs!” And they get you hooked with their poetic language and compliments, and they say they’re gonna fly to come visit you, but then at the very last minute, OMG THEY CANNOT GET ON THE PLANE because of some visa technicality, and holy shit they left their wallet at home but everything will be A-OK if you can just wire them $2K (or in this case $200). Or their little daughter is sick and needs life-saving medical help. If this is going on on Facebook now, I’ll have to be more vigilant!
Is this a bidding thing? Like you are only taking the highest bidder to meet you? I’ll start my bidding at $178.
$179!
$204!
Sadly, there is actually a dating site where guys bid to go on dates with women 🙁
No way!? Who gets the money? The site? The woman? I’m fascinated.
I want to know how that works too. That is so weird.
It’s called “what’s your price dating.” I don’t know how it works, but it’s real.
I’ve done everything wrong so far in my life.
I googled it. “Generous Members” (aka lonely old men) send offers to “Attractive Members” (aka hot young ladies) and once a deal is struck you go on the date. I wish I would have known about this in college. I totally would have gone on a few weird first dates to get money.
Mind. Blown.
Do you think Mr. B would mind if… Nah, nevermind, I don’t want to have to go meet Dr. Ramani on that new tv show.
I thought this was an actual meet and greet, but if this is a date then I’ll have to up my anti. Well who pays for dinner and drinks though?
I could do a bidding thing… or I could just meet anyone who is willing to pay 🙂 I think I’d make more that way. Unless the bidding thing makes it like I’m exclusive or something.
When I read the word “meet”, I immediately replaced it with “meet to have sex in exchange for money” in my head.
YES!
No way othy! I don’t believe it.
… I have to wonder what the DW meetups are like then. Should I be happy or sad that I haven’t made it to one yet?
Right, and this has been my hesitation: “Sweetie, I’m off to “meet” some ladies I’ve been talking to on the internet…. No, just talking…. only a few thousand messages… No it’s totally innocent, honest….”
Later: “Dear Wendy, My husband wants to “meet” a group of ladies he met on your site. He says it’s nothing to do with craigslist personals this time….” Could Wendy vouch for me? Would that be a wise decision? What if my whole participation here is just some long con so I can finally seduce and abandon Addie Pray?
Does M know about DW?
Sure. I decided to talk about it awhile back when one of the first Calgary meetups came up. I also felt I ought to mention once I became a “His Take” commenter. Despite the way i portray myself for laughs, I actually am honest, and she actually would not have a problem with a meetup. If anything, she would want to come. So far, she has allowed me my space (though NOT Myspace), but I’ve been considering asking her if she wants to join in. The problem is, she sees through my BS in a much more direct and knowing way than any of you could. She has the goods on me, in every way possible. But she is funny as hell, and you would like her. I really did learn most of my good qualities from her.
Tell her to join in! That would be so fun!
Aww, I want my future husband to be just like you! TELL HER I SAID THAT. DO IT.
i love how LW1 has managed to separate this guy from his drama- *he* is perfect but *this drama* isnt. hilarious. i wonder what kind of delusion you have to make yourself believe to get to that point.
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LW2, run, and run fast…
I need to start using some of that logic. For instance, *I* have the looks of a supermodel, but *this acne, extra 20 lbs. and bad haircut* does not.
i love it.
I’m an Olympic runner, but my feet aren’t. It’s an awkward situation.
*im* rich, but *these freaking bills* are not….
I use math: I have the mentality of a 12 year old, the complexion and haircut of a 16 year old and the body of a 68 year old man. It just averages out somewhere in the 40s.
Actually, it averages out to 32. Well done.
Well, I conveniently neglected to factor in my “performance” issues. You can only retain so much youth by acting infantile. Trust me, 40s is generous. [pouts]
LW1: You have a weird definition of perfect.
LW2: It hasn’t even been a year, if you gave it more time you would have figured this all out before you started making plans to get married. The crazy part is 1. he gave you a great comprimise to move somewhere new, which is awesome so you don’t have move an hour and a half away, and 2. if he is really worried about living near your ex’s you shouldn’t be marrying somebody that jealous anyways.
LW1: Brightside, you recognized that there’s drama. Yay, you! Unfortunately, you’re still with the guy. So, you know, that kinda negates the whole point of recognizing said drama. Dump the bum and aim higher.
LW2: WWS. Don’t marry him. Not only is his reasoning stupid – it’s scary and controlling. Run.
LW2: Why would you even think about marrying someone at this point in your life? You clearly are barely ready to date if you are thinking about dumping someone because you don’t want to be 1.5 hours away from your family. What would you do in 5 years if his job required him to relocate across the country? Divorce? Not that he sounds like a catch anyways. Marriage should be a very serious thing to decide on, don’t just do it because some guy, any guy wants to. You need to take control and ownership of your life and not just float on by.
LW1: Things are generally perfect for the first month or two of a relationship, then shit gets real. You should assume that this drama will be the norm if you continue seeing this guy, not the “perfect” first two months you had.
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Lw2: One the one hand you have your boyfriend telling you where you can live and on the other hand you have your parents telling you where you should live. What do you want to do? No that it matters because you should run away (and fast) from any guy who doesn’t want you living in the same area as your exes. That’s messed up and controlling and scary.
The LW2 situation interested me enough to consult my guy panel. I found six and offered them basically the man’s position as described by LW2.
– 4 said it made a difference how big the area was (population, I think, small town, city, etc)
– 5 asked how many other men were we talking about (her having slept with)
– all 6 asked if it were the first marriage for both (and that it made a difference)
My conclusion is that the man’s concerns might well be common in the male population.
If this really is true, I’m happy to live alone. Having someone tell me that I have to move because I had a life before I met him does not sit well with me.
Either that or your guy friends are sexist.
Right? I would like to know how many women each one of them slept with prior to either being married or in a relationship, if either one of those things apply. Or how many women they sleep with in general.
Me, too! (Especially one of them ….) 🙂
Not gonna go there!
I think you should, for research’s sake.
haha I love when you poll the man panel. I do think responses can be skewed though in an informal verbal poll—like, probably it just SOUNDS bad to hear “oh, would you date someone & live in the same town with them & all of their exes?” & that’s why you got the responses you got. Like, “umm… well, hmmm… how MANY exes??” Hopefully these dudes wouldn’t actually care IRL?
Thanks!
In the end, the guys decided they would go where love took them. What I was reporting was that they expressed some concerns similar to those in the LW2 letter. It was that aspect (their concerns, not their answers) that I reported.
I have never heard of such a thing before today. I think your panel is crazy. It is blowing my mind anyone would even have this cross their minds.
me too. im glad i dont know people like this.
Haha welllllll. I love not running into my boyfriends ex’s. I mean I wouldn’t like – move cities to get away from them, but I do consider it a perk of being a transplant.
I live in a fairly small town I think and even still, I could maybe think of a handful of times at best where I’ve run into exes.
Really? I grew up in a town of like 225k and every.single.time I go back I run into someone I did something dirty with.
Maybe I’m just lucky? Or maybe the see me first and run and hide haha.
Or maybe you’re just less skanky than me 😉
Well I just assumed that was obvious…
OMG. Every time I go out in my hometown, it’s like every guy I’ve ever slept with shows up. I’ll look around and count how many I’ve had sex with, and it’s usually at least a handful. I haven’t even had sex with that many people, it’s just a smallish town and they all tend to hang out in the same circles, in the same places.
I’m with you IWTTS. Running into a former sex partner of your current partner is the WORST. GGuy’s ex is still friends with a lot of his friends and I’ve had to spend way to much time with her. Oh, also, a chick he banged ended up dating my ex. Weirrrrrrrrd.
What is it that bothers you guys about it?
Um, I guess knowing that they were all up in what is now my business? There is just something unsettling to me to hang out with someone who’s had sex with my husband. But I also don’t ever interact with past partners of my own, so.
I guess I just don’t let my mind go there, so that’s why it doesn’t seem to bother me? I suppose if I were picturing them mid-bang, yea, I wouldn’t like it.
It’s not like a life hurdle for me or anything. I’d just rather not be in the situation. I wouldn’t say skip a wedding or something because an ex would be there, but I wouldn’t go on a double date with an ex either. If you know what I mean.
actually i think im going to meet jake’s ex finally on vacation! im kind of excited. haha
Yeah knowing my friends, they pretty much have married girls and live in or around the same area as their ex’s and nobody has ever considered moving because of that.
How do these terrible people constantly get labeled as “perfect”?? I don’t get it. I’m pretty darn cool and I don’t think anyone I’ve dated has ever called me perfect. 😀
Does anyone else read “perfect” in these letters and automatically translate it to “better than any of the other wads I’ve dated?” (Which is kind of sad, in a way. Because there’s better out there, LWers, really!!)
So, LW2, you’re dating a guy that lives an hour and a half away (that’s how I read it, at least) and you’re talking about where you’ll live AFTER you get married? How much time do you really spend together, living that far apart? I think the first step is for one or both of you to relocate closer together so you can see each other during more day-to-day life, before even considering marriage. Although, if you’re already arguing about where you’d hypothetically live after you got married, this might be a relationship that just isn’t going to work.
I live an hour from my boyfriend and we see each other often enough — weekends for sure and then during his breaks or my breaks from school we see each other more often. He’s in school so should this turn into something more serious we would be in this living situation for at least a year. But I still see him fairly often. Yeah it’s not day to day every week, but it’s really not *that* far away. I could easily meet him halfway any day if I had a bad day at work or something.
Dear Wendy, my lunch is really disappointing today. I thought it was perfect, but it seems to be causing me stomach dramz. Should I move away or just break up with it? Thanks. MsMisery.
Dear Wendy,
I’m from a small town and there’s not a lot of options there for dating or places to go on dates. I met this guy online, we’ve been FB chatting every day for 3 weeks, and he’s absolutely perfect. He wants me to pay $200 to meet him and go on a date. I don’t have the money right now, but that’s okay, ’cause I can just steal it from my ex. But here’s the problem: My new boyfriend wants our first in-real-life meeting to be at Chipotle in his city, and my ex’s old girlfriend works there. I do not want to run into the old girlfriend of my ex, that would just be unbearable. So I’m wondering, should I move to a new city that has Chipotle?
LW2 – When all is said and done, do 1.5 hours really make a difference?