Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “I Can’t Stop Drunk Dialing My Ex”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. This week we discuss drunk dialing an ex, bickering couples, and when a boyfriend and BFF know each other a little too well.

Every time I drink I call my ex, only because he was my first time and I’m attached to him for that stupid reason. I have a boyfriend whom I love and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He’s my best friend and I don’t want to lose him. But I called my ex last night when I was drunk and he wanted to have sex with me. And me being my drunk self, said: “Come pick me up.” But he couldn’t leave his house and pick me up, so we never met up or anything — we just wanted to. I can’t decide if I should tell me boyfriend or not. If he finds out, I want it to come from me. I don’t want him to find out by my ex or anything. What do you think? — Drunk Dialer

 
Don’t tell your boyfriend since nothing actually happened, and for God’s sake delete and block your ex’s number and quit being such an irresponsible drunk.

From the forums:

Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I have become one of those couples that tend to bicker, if you will, in front of our friends. It doesn’t happen all the time, but I can understand how annoying it must be when it does. I’ve been feeling pretty down because my best friend informed me a couple days ago that he doesn’t want to come over to our house or go out with us together because he “just wants to have a good time and not have any arguments.” Had he addressed the issue before coming to this conclusion, I definitely would have made a change. Now, I’m feeling like I will now have to choose between the two. I just know that if the tables were turned and one of my boyfriend’s friends didn’t want me coming along, I wouldn’t like it if my boyfriend continued associating with that person. — Bicker City

 
Good lord. Grow up and quit being one of “those couples” all your friends hate being around. You’re annoying, and, if you don’t quit being annoying, NO ONE will want to hang out with you anymore. Apologize to your friend, tell him you hadn’t realized how out of hand your bickering had gotten, promise to work on it, do things with him separately for a little while, and in a couple months ask him if he’ll consider hanging out with you AND your boyfriend since you’ve gotten your acts together and are no longer awkwardly bickering in front of people.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost nine months and I found out about six months ago that he kissed my best friend before we met. I didn’t make a big deal of it, but today we got in a fight over him not wanting to hang out with her because he “hates her” and, while he was arguing with me, he informed me that they shared much more than one kiss — they hooked up completely. I can’t believe he lied right to my face about it. I don’t know what to do. — Lied to About a Kiss

 
If he “hates her” and refuses to hang out with her, then there’s more to the story than just a one-time hookup. Get to the bottom of that story — by talking to both of them — and then decide if their previous relationship and the fact that both kept it a secret from you is a deal-breaker or not.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

96 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Joanna July 12, 2013, 9:04 am

    WWS on all three.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs July 12, 2013, 9:10 am

    LW2 I had a friend who would fight with her boyfriend in front of people all the time….the worst incident was when I travelled an hour to attend an outdoor bar-b-q with her….we met up with her boyfriend there….i can’t even remember what the fight was about but they both got insane, slinging the most personal insults at each other in front of about 50 people! my friend ended up locking herself in our hotel room, with my purse and refused to open the door to let me in….I ended up hanging out with a bunch of strangers for the night…about 5 hours later she gave my purse to someone to give to me and I ended up going home by myself….if I had any advice to give you it would be this….keep your issues behind closed doors, there is absolutely no reason to have a domestic dispute in public….if you are that angry simply leave and discuss your issues with your boyfriend in private….I don’t blame your boyfriends friend at all for not wanting to hang out with you if all you bring is drama

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    • landygirl

      landygirl July 12, 2013, 10:37 am

      I hope your friend is now an ex-friend.

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      • avatar

        cdobbs July 12, 2013, 10:39 am

        she is actually

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 12, 2013, 10:43 am

      wow. are your friend (or ex-friend) and that boyfriend still together? i hope not.

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      • avatar

        cdobbs July 12, 2013, 11:11 am

        thats a whole other story….they are still together….but he is living with another girl that he cheated on my friend with….they still own a farm together….its a crazy situation

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 12, 2013, 11:32 am

        Ohhhh I’m gonna need to hear that story. Pweese?

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      • avatar

        cdobbs July 12, 2013, 12:36 pm

        well they actually dated since they were 15 and in high school. my friend was actually his first girlfriend…they met because they both work with race horses….my friend is now in her late 30’s…so they have been together a long time….the boyfriend would go to the US in the winter months to work while the racetracks up here in Canada were closed, so he would be gone 3-4 months out of the year….about five years ago a mutual friend told my friend that he was cheating on her….she confronted him and he said he only kissed the girl and that it made him realize how much he loved her and he swore he ended it….they stayed together….but little did she know that he was dating both of them at the same time….my friend ended up buying a farm with him and he rented an apartment with the other girl….i don’t think the other girl even knew he had a girlfriend….he actually proposed to my friend and so they are engaged….my friend ended up finding out he was cheating by going through his phone records and confronted him and the girl….he told the other girl that he had ended things with my friend and so now he mostly lives with her, but last time I talked to my friend they were still sleeping together and I know he does stay with her sometimes….I know the other girl thinks my friend is a stalker and there is nothing going on….(sorry if that made no sense at all! lol!)

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 12, 2013, 1:42 pm

        Wow, that is really sad. Just wow. (I think “just wow” is a Katie-ism or a ktfran-ism, btw.)

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      • avatar

        cdobbs July 12, 2013, 2:28 pm

        very sad….its crazy too how he was the cheater since he was always accusing my friend of cheating….he even thought me and my friend were having an affair when we would go out bowling or to the movies

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      • othy

        othy July 12, 2013, 11:47 am

        I need to hear this story too!

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 12, 2013, 11:48 am

        Me three. I mean, seriously, what? it sounds like a TV show.

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    • avatar

      Lily in NYC July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm

      That sounds awful but it’s not even close to bickering. That’s a huge fight. To me, bickering is a constant stream of passive aggressive put-downs that puts a pall on everyone each time they get together, not a huge blow out public fight. Neither are good, but one public fight doesn’t necessarily become tiresome to one’s friends like a couple that pick at eachother incessantly. (unless they ditch you like your jerky friend did, what a stinker)

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest July 12, 2013, 9:15 am

    Right to my face! Ugh, the Dramz.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 12, 2013, 10:06 am

      Wait, does “right to the face” mean Wendy’s response was like a slap to your face because YOU are one of the LWs?! Spill it, LBH, I’m on to you! You’re Bicker City??

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 12, 2013, 10:24 am

        Ha! It was the LW saying ‘lied right to my face” which I think is only something a 14 y/o would say. So yes, I am the 14 y/o LW. You’ve been catfished biotch!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 12, 2013, 10:35 am

        Ooooooh, I missed that. Ok, but next time you’re the LW drop a hint that only I will know so as not to blow your cover to all the other yahoos.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo July 12, 2013, 11:24 am

        Is there somewhere else you can lie to? Maybe. I tell the truth to my wife’s face, but I lie to her ass.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 12, 2013, 11:26 am

        Haha! He lied right to my ass!

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle July 12, 2013, 9:16 am

    LW #1 “I drunk dialed my ex, & told him to come pick me up so we could fuck, but that wound up not actually happening because he couldn’t leave his house.” Can you imagine saying that to your boyfriend? That’s essentially telling him, “hey, I ~wanted~ to cheat on you the other night, & the only reason I didn’t was because of logistical issues.” Unnecessarily hurtful, & not worth confessing because nothing actually happened. You definitely should block your ex’s number, or enter him in your phone as “do not call”, or enlist a friend to take your phone away from you after however many drinks. And maybe reconsider if you’d like to actually be in a committed relationship? You sound young enough where “exploring” a bit more before settling down would be a good idea…

    LW #2 was the best LW ever in the forums, that’s all I’m gonna say. haha

    LW #3 There is DEFINITELY more to the story than whatever he told you. I’d go to your best friend first, telling her what you know, & how your boyfriend reacted to the idea of hanging out with her. Ask her in a calm, non-judgmental tone what the deal is—if she’s a real friend, she’ll just tell you.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 12, 2013, 9:24 am

      I’m with you on LW2!

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    • avatar

      Bunnycsp July 12, 2013, 9:24 am

      I think it is super weird that she hasn’t gone to her “best friend” about this. I can’t imagine why you would try to peel information out of your boyfriend when your BFF is right there and can give you the scoop.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 12, 2013, 9:30 am

        Right? The boyfriend has already proven himself untrustworthy (& has more “reason” to lie, so to speak). My first instinct would’ve been to go to my friend, for sure.

        (As an aside, the other day I had a dream that my boyfriend cheated on me with one of my friends, & in the dream, the first thing I did was call my friend to find out exactly what went down. haha. When I woke up, I was like, “yeah, sounds about right. I’d totally do that.”)

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 12, 2013, 9:33 am

        I think she should go to the friend, but she never actually said she was trying to get more info. The friend can give more details, but the boyfriend’s still the only one who can explain what his “hating” the friend means and why he lied.

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      • avatar

        Bunnycsp July 12, 2013, 10:13 am

        But my best friend knows EVERYTHING about me. Like, she is my “is this weird” person. The idea that she started seeing a guy who had a history with her BEST FRIEND. I would have gotten every detail in full before I would dream of starting to see him.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 12, 2013, 11:39 am

        Well, she said she found out three months into their relationship that he had a thing with her best friend. I’d certainly have gotten the details then, but if the friend didn’t tell her to begin with, I wonder if she’d have given her the full story even then.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl July 12, 2013, 9:17 am

    LW1 and LW2- STOP DRINKING until you can appropriately operate a phone and relationship while intoxicated. FFS. Drunk dialing your ex and drunk fighting ARE NOT CUTE. Put the drink down and grow up.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl July 12, 2013, 9:30 am

      Also, wanted to point out that LW2 added a lot of additional information regarding their fights/her life in the forum. Lots of things that are pretty valuable.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 12, 2013, 9:35 am

        Yep! That’s why I didn’t address it out here. The conversation in the forum went in such a different direction!

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    • avatar

      fallonthecity July 12, 2013, 11:01 am

      “STOP DRINKING”

      +1. So simple.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 12, 2013, 11:05 am

        Ok, just to let the voice of reason be heard: IT IS SOOOOO NOT SIMPLE TO JUST STOP DRINKING. It tastes so good when it hits your lips.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 12, 2013, 11:10 am

        While I do agree AP, booze is fabulously delicious. It is the simplest answer for these two. Don’t get drunk and you won’t do the dumb shit you’re writing to Wendy about! Problem solved!

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      • avatar

        fallonthecity July 12, 2013, 11:20 am

        Haha, fair enough! Still, I think it’s a general life rule that you gotta scale back on the booze if you find yourself acting like a ding bat when you’re drunk.

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      • avatar

        rachel July 12, 2013, 11:49 am

        +1 for dingbat

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  • Lindsay

    Lindsay July 12, 2013, 9:26 am

    LW1: You definitely need to delete his number. I don’t buy that the reason you keep calling him is because he was your first, though. Plenty of people refrain from calling their firsts when they get drunk when they’re in happy relationships. If you need more motivation, imagine how you’d feel if your boyfriend called his ex when he got drunk and agreed to have sex with her. Also, if you get that out of control that you are at risk of throwing away your relationship when you’re drunk, then you need to cut down on your drinking.

    LW3: Ugh, that’s an awful situation. But you need to get to the bottom of it.

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  • avatar

    SasLinna July 12, 2013, 9:30 am

    LW3: This sounds like too much drama, too soon. The fact that your bf spilled this additional info now and that he “hates” your best friend doesn’t bode well. The problem isn’t that they hooked up before you two got together, but that he can’t seem to deal with it in a mature way – downplaying it first and then telling a different story later is really immature. I say MOA!

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 12, 2013, 12:01 pm

      Yeah I bet he hates her BFF, because she wanted to tell the LW what happened, and he didn’t like that.

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  • avatar

    Older and (hopefully) wiser July 12, 2013, 9:38 am

    LW1–I can’t help thinking that if you were really in love with your boyfriend, you wouldn’t be hung up on your ex anymore. He may be your best friend but is there real passion there? Because you know, you can have it all.
    LW3–I’m more surprised that your “best friend” never told you the truth about their encounter(s)/relationship. If he hates her, he still has strong feelings for her. I’d be really upset that neither of them were honest with you.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl July 12, 2013, 9:52 am

    Also, LW1, I acted like you for parts of college (except replace ex with FWB). I would get drunk and hook up with this other guy behind my boyfriends back. You know why I did it? I LOVED the attention. It was a huge high to have two guys wanting me (BF and FWB). The reason the attention was so satisfying was because of my ridiculously LOW self esteem. So, stop drinking and seeking attention from others. Do some work on yourself.

    (And seriously put the damn phone down while drinking!!!)

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 12, 2013, 10:58 am

      All these LW1 replies are pretty nice. I do agree about the attention, but honestly, you don’t deserve your boyfriend LW1. I hope he looks through your messages and dumps you. Then you could go work on yourself.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay July 12, 2013, 11:40 am

        Yep. I’d dump a guy who was doing what she did.

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  • Copa

    Copa July 12, 2013, 9:54 am

    LW1: WWS + you should very seriously reconsider if you want to be in your current relationship. I’ve drunk-dialed an ex before — because I was still hung up on him. Most people I know who have drunk dialed an ex did so for the same reason. I think it’s normal, to a degree, to stay hung up on your first for a bit longer than you would be on someone else. It’s not normal to drunk dial exes regularly, which seems to be the case with you. It’s REALLY NOT normal to drunk dial exes regularly when you’re in another relationship. I feel bad for your boyfriend. Just let him go.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray July 12, 2013, 9:54 am

    LW1: If it makes you feel any better I only JUST NOW blocked my ex (drink!), and that was after a million people told me to, a million times. I wish I had done it sooner, it wold have saved me a lot of grief. So, just do it already.

    LW2: WWS, but out of curiosity what do you bicker about? I just want to know details.

    LW3: I’d feel really betrayed. Get an answer out of your boyfriend to the question why he lied to you about it.

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  • avatar

    lemongrass July 12, 2013, 10:49 am

    Oh the good old days of highschool.

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  • avatar

    Boosker July 12, 2013, 9:51 am

    LW #1–Oh come on, don’t be that girl. Sounds like the attention your bf gives you isn’t enough. Definitely delete your ex’s number but also try to be mature enough not to seek out attention when drunk.

    LW #2–It’s good that you can acknowledge that you’re “that” couple and “that” couple is not fun to be around. My husband’s sister and her husband are like this and it’s miserable. They’ll try to get us on their side as they bicker. If you can’t control it around other people, then don’t hang out with other people. It’s not fair to others. And if you work on things, and you still bicker a lot, maybe you should recognize that you two aren’t a happy match.

    LW#3–Yeah, why does he suddenly hate her now? Has she been trying to contact him or something? Did they hook up more recently and he doesn’t want to see her and be reminded of what he did? Something is definitely up there, and I’d go to your friend first to get information. Be prepared that you might not get honest answers from either.

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    • avatar

      SasLinna July 12, 2013, 9:56 am

      Regarding LW3, I think once you’re in a position where you have to go to someone else to get some facts on why your bf is acting in a certain way – because you can’t trust him – you might as well MOA immediately. Honestly, I would feel kind of humiliated to even be put in this position and would rather just give up & save my dignity.

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      • avatar

        Boosker July 12, 2013, 10:50 am

        Yeah, even if she did get answers from both of them, they probably wouldn’t be altogether truthful answers. It really seems like something shady is going on here that goes a lot deeper than a one time hookup before the LW and bf started dating. If it were me, though, I’d at least want to try to get an explanation, if only to let them know that I knew something was up.

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      • avatar

        convexed July 12, 2013, 4:09 pm

        Yes. While I believe that too much pride is not a useful trait in relationships (it can keep people from admitting they’re wrong and apologizing, and from being open about their needs), if I was put in this position I would rather walk away with my head up and my dignity intact then resort to that kind of detective work.
        Same goes for if a boyfriend was cheating/losing interest in the relationship. If you’re a girl who likes to ‘fight’ to keep their love from walking out on them, you have some quality I don’t have, and I’m not sure if I admire it or if it scares me, but props to you if it does work out. That feels like such a degrading place to be in, to have to beg someone to tell you the truth, or to try to keep loving you…I would walk away. For me, no matter whether I eventually ‘won’, I’d feel the balance of power was irrevocably shifted so far away from me, so far from equal, that I doubt the relationship could recover.

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      • avatar

        convexed July 12, 2013, 4:12 pm

        To clarify, I do think in the LW’s case it’s worth asking both parties straight-up what is going on before bailing. If you get the run-around from the BF, though–if he cannot or will not be honest with you and then agree to a policy of honesty from thenceforth, get out while the getting’s good.

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  • avatar

    lemongrass July 12, 2013, 10:52 am

    Also, what kind of a friend doesn’t mention “dude, I fucked that guy.” when you started dating?

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    • avatar

      SasLinna July 12, 2013, 10:56 am

      indeed!

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle July 12, 2013, 10:59 am

      One of my friends set ~her~ friend up with a dude she fucked in the past, never told her, & now they (friend’s friend & the dude) are getting married 😐 I mean, I guess it doesn’t matter in the scheme of things, but, I dunno, it’s kinda wack, right? I’m on the fence about whether or not it’s a friend’s duty to tell somebody that he/she once slept with the person he/she’s friend is dating (ugh, that was so confusing to write out!)

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      • avatar

        lemongrass July 12, 2013, 11:24 am

        It is mandatory to tell your friend that! I would be so pissed to find out my friend kept that from me.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 12, 2013, 11:37 am

        Maybe she’ll save it for the bridesmaid speech 😉 (Oh god, but seriously no, that’d be horrible, haha)

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 12, 2013, 12:01 pm

        Um I think it’s absolutely mandatory to be told. Colin and I had a conversation just last night where it was like – listen I don’t care to know about all the people you’ve hooked up with, but you need to tell me if it’s someone I’m going to run into (in other words someone you’re still friends with) because no one likes to be the only person in the room that doesn’t know. And if you’re MY friend and you’ve hooked up with my new boyfriend, and I was not told prior, well get the fuck outta here with that shit.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 12, 2013, 12:35 pm

        Yeah, I think the “if I’m gonna run into them…” thing is totally reasonable, I was just getting all philosophical about it (“in the course of a lifetime, what does it matter?” or something, haha) but I agree that it’s pretty fucked up, especially when you SET THEM UP together. Ahh.

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    • avatar

      fallonthecity July 12, 2013, 11:03 am

      No kidding. I would be reevaluating my relationship AND my friendship if I were that LW.

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    • avatar

      Morgan July 12, 2013, 11:32 am

      That was always a fun conversation in college, on either end.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 12, 2013, 11:36 am

        haha! yes!

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      • katie

        katie July 12, 2013, 1:05 pm

        jake did this to me. in college.

        sigh.

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      • avatar

        Morgan July 12, 2013, 1:19 pm

        I was the one who had hooked up with multiple guys on my boyfriend’s team before he and I met. I just had a very specific type.

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    • avatar

      bethany July 12, 2013, 2:09 pm

      So right.

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  • avatar

    j2 July 12, 2013, 11:02 am

    It’s back!

    Facepalm Friday!

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow July 12, 2013, 11:04 am

    Why’s everyone talking shit about drunk dialing? I love drunk dialing AND getting drunk dialed. I wish more people did it. Me & IWTTS are gonna be drunk dial buddies from now on.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 12, 2013, 11:06 am

      There’s nothing I love more than waking up to missed drunk dials and drunk texts. It is proof that people care about me.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 12, 2013, 11:08 am

        And drunk voicemails! Drunk voicemails are the only voicemails I like.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster July 12, 2013, 1:10 pm

        A few months ago my boyfriend drunk dialed me the Jimmy Fallon “Chickeneers” version of Hey Ho by the Lumineers… When he made melodious chicken noises on my voicemail for two minutes I knew he must really like me. I’m gonna go listen to that choice bit of blackmail material right now.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle July 12, 2013, 11:08 am

      Yeah, drunk-dialing is fun. Even drunk-dialing an ex (as long as you’re single, & that ex isn’t one who stomped all over your heart, I guess)

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 12, 2013, 11:08 am

        Haha, in LW1’s case it’s a bad idea, for sure.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl July 12, 2013, 11:09 am

      Well, drunk dialing is fun unless you’re calling an ex asking for sex when you have a BF!

      I totally support drunk dialing friends (and sometimes family).

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary July 12, 2013, 11:13 am

      I love getting drunk dials from friends. It doesn’t happen much anymore 🙁

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      • avatar

        bethany July 12, 2013, 2:10 pm

        Yeah. You know you’re old when you haven’t gotten a drunk dial in over 2 years 🙁

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    • avatar

      Christy July 12, 2013, 11:18 am

      I’m all about the drunk texts. I won’t wake up to enjoy the drunk dial, and I LOVE making fun of the misspellings.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 12, 2013, 11:21 am

      My sister and I drunk dialed my other sister, leaving like a 20 min. voicemail rambling about loving her, and missing her, begging her to move home, telling bad jokes, etc.
      She played it for our whole extended family at dinner.

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      • Roxy_84

        Roxy84 July 12, 2013, 12:31 pm

        Whenever my mom and dad have drinks with one couple they’re friends with (who have been family friends for about 15 years), the guy friend thinks it’s hilarious to drunk call me and/or my sister. And it is.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 12, 2013, 1:00 pm

        Ha! I once drunk dialed my coworkers husband (with her next to me!) to tell him she’s hot. For years now, every time I see him he says “I know, my wife is hot!”

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    • avatar

      Morgan July 12, 2013, 11:29 am

      I love getting drunk texts. One of my friends texts me every time she’s drunk, just to tell me she’s drunk, and its great.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 12, 2013, 11:35 am

        A friend and I always text when one is going poop. She’ll just say hi with nothing else and I know. That’s kind of the same except different, and gross I realize. But it’s a funny story how that ended up happening. Well maybe not funny haha.

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      • avatar

        LSMITH82 July 12, 2013, 12:07 pm

        My sister does that to me. I thought we were the only ones… I get a little smily face and a “guess what time it is” and I know…

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 12, 2013, 11:40 am

        My one FWB & I would always be like, “Text me later when you’re drunk!” if one of us was going out without the other (and not even for sex, because I think he was long-distance at the time? It was just a, “hey! I’m drunk!” “Good! Have fun!!!” thing, haha)

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay July 12, 2013, 11:41 am

      Haha. My friends will drunk-dial other friends who are absent from our outings and leave drunk voicemails. We all pass the phone around. It’s super fun, and even more fun to get those messages.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson July 12, 2013, 12:04 pm

      THIS IS A FACT. And so funny that we just talked about it yesterday. I miss getting drunk dials so much. I love waking up in the morning (hungover) and listening to rambling messages. It really does make me feel loved in a sick kinda way. I am going to put it on my google calendar tonight for 1am to drunk dial Cats because I’m going out tonight with my party pants (no pants, obvs) on.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 12, 2013, 1:07 pm

        Last night! We seriously JUST discussed the joys of drunk dialing, y’all.

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    • avatar

      Boosker July 12, 2013, 12:51 pm

      I think drunk dialing friends is excellent. Like IWTTS, it makes me happy to get DD voicemails, although I don’t really get those anymore now that I’m pushing thirty. And I also think drunk dialing your ex is an important step in the “moving on” process, especially if you got dumped. But drunk dialing an ex on the regular while you have a bf, that’s what’s uncool.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark July 12, 2013, 12:17 pm

    LW1). Tell your boyfriend the truth… So he can dump you. Why? Because, frankly, he deserves better.

    LW2). Couples that constantly bicker in public are attention seeking drama queens. Grow the fuck up already and keep it private. Or better yet? Break up. Newsflash: None of “those” couples are in healthy relationships.

    LW3). People rarely keep such secrets from their partners if they think their partner can handle the truth about the past like a grown up. Your boyfriend obviously thinks you simply couldn’t. Worse, clearly he was right… And why is this ALL on him? Your BFF hasn’t exactly been forthcoming…

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    • avatar

      convexed July 12, 2013, 4:36 pm

      On the LW3 comment: I think I mostly agree with you? I do think that early on in relationships, you keep things back that could be weird/awkward/unpleasant reveals because you really don’t know yet either how the other person will respond to it, or don’t yet know the best way to handle the conversation. And that is normal. But it does lead to problems when whatever it is eventually comes out, and the truth is still awkward, but now it’s layered for the other person with the feeling that they’ve been misled or not trusted, which is also legitimately hurtful. I think a lot depends on the timeline for each couple of when to open up more to each other, and how long past that stage an important secret is kept—a secret with relevance to the relationship. It also depends on whether it’s something that never came up vs whether elaborate lies have been constructed or major avoidance strategies employed. Because that is shady.
      I completely agree that the BFF seems to be given much more leeway here than the BF. As a bitter person myself, I am never very surprised when romantic partners turn out to be liars or jerks. I would be very interested in the BFF’s role in the secrecy around the ‘full on hookup’, and I would be questioning my assumptions about the friendship. If she had collaborated in a lie with my BF to keep me in the dark I would feel pretty betrayed.
      Finally, if you ever are dating someone you feel can’t handle the truth about the past like the grownup, that might be a good reason to rethink continuing the relationship.

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      • avatar

        convexed July 12, 2013, 4:40 pm

        It’s kind of like when we hate and blame the person a partner cheated on us with as if it was all their doing and the partner had just been duped. In this case it’s sad because if something f-cked up was going on the LW would have to face the truth that two people she trusted had lied to her, and of course it is easier to just downplay the BFF’s culpability to avoid the sting of that and salvage at least one of the relationships. The games we play.

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  • katie

    katie July 12, 2013, 1:01 pm

    i dont think LW1’s issues will stop if she stops drinking.

    LW1, you need to break up with your boyfriend and work on yourself. i went through that whole “omg he was my FIRST I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM” bullshit when i was in high school and still figuring out sexuality. i was doing the only having sex with one person is the ONLY WAY thing, and so i couldnt let him go because if i did, i was dirty and horrible, bla bla bla. i did have other boyfriends, and i did just keep calling my “first” and everything, and then i would cheat on the boyfriends i was with, with other boys- it was horrendous. i dont know what types of issues you are dealing with, but you need to address them before you enter into another relationship. yes, this guy being your first does make him a little “special” or whatever, but not any more or less special then any other first in your life. you need to be able to let him go. you need to come to terms with whatever it is that is drawing you back to him. do that, on your own, before you date anyone seriously.

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  • findingtheearth

    findingtheearth July 12, 2013, 12:43 pm

    LW1) Delete his number. Block it. Stop calling him, or don’t get drunk until you can handle being drunk and not calling him.

    Also, if your current BF is so awesome, why would you want to cheat on him, in any way, shape, or form. Sounds like you have some relationship issues you need to deal with.

    LW2) I have a friend like this. Her and her boyfriend get drunk and ARGUE. I have pretty much stopped hanging out with them and they have very few friends that will. Why would you bicker with him in public if it wasn’t just for attention. It’s rude and immature. If you can’t handle dealing with your issues in private, then maybe you need to evaluate your relationship.

    LW3) Ugh. WWS.

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  • avatar

    A La Mode July 12, 2013, 1:53 pm

    In light of LW2, I would like everybody’s opinion about something… what do you think about couples who “play fight” in front of friends? Like: “Oh, he never makes dinner. I have it really rough!” to which he replies “And you’ll never let me forget it, *dear*!”. I seem to always date guys who think it’s just as funny as I do, but some friends have gotten awkward about it in the past. Do you find that sort of thing obnoxious?

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay July 12, 2013, 1:59 pm

      I think it’s cute. I don’t find it any more annoying that the general annoyance I feel when a couple is being adorable. 😉

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl July 12, 2013, 2:05 pm

      I think it’s obnoxious if it’s more than one short exchange. People who are CONSTANTLY ragging on each other, playful or not, are a big drag to me.

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    • avatar

      bethany July 12, 2013, 2:12 pm

      I’m with GG. Once, ok. More than once ANNOYING.

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    • Lady_Red

      Red_Lady July 12, 2013, 3:29 pm

      Yes, I do find it obnoxious, but like the others said, if it’s just every once in a while, it’s fine

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    • avatar

      A La Mode July 12, 2013, 5:06 pm

      Alright – if I apologize to you guys on here will it count as an apology to everyone I’ve been obnoxious in front of? Because I’m truly sorry. It’s like a compulsion. I’ll do my best to abstain from it the next time I have a boyfriend, I promise 🙁

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  • avatar

    Lily in NYC July 15, 2013, 3:06 pm

    Yikes, it’s junior high day here in Shortcuts. Bickering couple, your friend isn’t trying to say your boyfriend can’t come because no one likes him, but because no one can tolerate the two of you together. I recently stopped hanging out with a good friend because of this – please understand this because you need to hear it: even though you say it doesn’t happen all the time, you better believe it does. Bickering couples have no idea how they come across most of the time and they get to the point where it’s their primary form of communication with each other. It is one of the most frustrating, uncomfortable things to be around, and it makes you both look like hosers, believe me. You have no right to get upset with your friend – honestly, you guys sound lucky you still have friends. Knock it off while you still can.

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