It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I’ve been with my boyfriend four years now. Since meeting him, I always saw red flags but thought we could get past them. He keeps in contact with his exes via Facebook, phone, and text msgs. He told one ex that he’s only using me to get a motorcycle, that he sleeps in his clothes or robe so that his thing won’t touch me, that we don’t have sex, and that I’m ugly. When I approached him, he said he only said those things to see if it would get back to him. I don’t know why I have feelings for him — he’s unemployed, and, though he does watch my kids for me, all we do is argue and we don’t have sex. I asked him to leave but he won’t! — Red Flags Waving
I assume, since you asked him to leave, that he lives with you? Since he won’t leave on his own, change the locks and leave his shit on the curb and a note on the door saying you’re over and to not contact you again. Next time, pay attention to the red flags and don’t move into your home, where you have underage children(!), a man whom you don’t trust or even really like. God.
I have lived with my boyfriend for over two years. He is divorced but spends weekends and other days at his ex-wife’s house, with his daughter, when the ex-wife is supposedly out of town. They live about 45 minutes away, and my boyfriend wanted to move closer to his daughter because the daughter wouldn’t stay with us–so we did – like 10 minutes away. My boyfriend just spent four days at the ex-wife’s house again last week and, when he got back, I found a bra that wasn’t mine in the laundry basket. When I asked him about it, he got all defensive and started talking about moving out. There have been a couple of other suspicious things like this that he explained away, but I’m not sure he can explain this. — Not My Bra
The guy’s cheating on you. MOA.
My ex-husband and I are still very good friends and text or talk at least once a week. My boyfriend can’t get over it, and we argue about it a lot. He doesn’t understand why I would have anything to still talk about with my ex since we broke up after eleven years together. Well, he raised my son all those years and he still helps him out and does a lot for me, too. Our friendship is totally harmless — he usually just needs to vent about his work or mother. I’d feel terrible to tell him that I can’t text him a couple of sentences because my boyfriend doesn’t like it. But should I cut him out? — Friends with Ex
I’d cut out the boyfriend, not the ex-husband. If the boyfriend is trying to control whom you text, just imagine what else he’ll try to control as you get more serious and more invested…
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.