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It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
My boyfriend and I have been on and off for seven years. During a recent “off” period, I heard he was cheating so I did things to get him back. I got out of a man’s car to make him mad and I also slept with his friend. Despite my efforts, he still remained back-n-forth with me and this other women. He conceived twins with her and was still back-n-forth with me. I got pregnant as well and he left me when I was five months pregnant, saying he hated me for sleeping with his friend. At first he said it was up to me whether to keep the baby and now he says he doesn’t want it. I am 37 with two older children already. It sickens me that had he been honest earlier I wouldn’t of kept it. — Up a Creek
You don’t have to keep your baby. You can give it up for adoption and give it a chance to be raised in a loving and stable home with parents who truly want it.
I have been married for 5 1/2 years and have been cheated on so many times. There hasn’t been a faithful year yet. But I finally thought I was over all his crap until we started planning our 5 year anniversary cruise. I asked him for his account info and he told me to go to his personal email address to look it up. He forgot that he had his “hidden & secret” email account synced to it and I came across messages between him and a girl off craigslist wanting to know if she was drug and disease free and saying this had to be a discreet thing. I looked at the phone records and he did call the phone number a few times. Of course, he denied it until I showed him the proof and he then claimed she was the only one and he felt so guilty that he didn’t go through with it.
While he was taking a nap I decided to look in his phone and HE LIED AGAIN! There were so many others. He wrote about wanting a black woman and asking about locations to meet. Some of the females he had daily conversations with. The worst one to me was a medic he had a deep relationship with. He mentioned needing her hugs and kisses and missed their friendship and asked what was her favorite intimate moment. He even mentioned me in an email. He told her he was so sorry he hadn’t written her in a while but I was being bipolar so he had to give me his passwords to his accounts so she could only write him on the new email address. It lasted for months.
He says he is changing and will never do it again but I don’t believe he will ever tell the truth. He wants us to go to counseling again but why bother after he lied to the first one? He says that we can get over this and be strong but all I keep thinking is “Why is now any different??” Has a relationship survived a spouse being this disgusting? — Disgusted
There’s a difference between surviving and thriving, between existing and growing. If you want to thrive and grow and embrace a happy life, you need to love yourself enough to get out of this dead-end marriage. Take all the proof of infidelity you’ve saved, and go see a divorce attorney right away.
I’ve been seeing this guy for over a year now and we’re stuck in the friend zone. I’ve been completely upfront from the beginning about my feelings for him. He claims that he has feelings for me to but he’s not ready for a relationship so he sees and has sex with other women. He says I shouldn’t get mad because we’re not in a committed relationship but if I were to go out on a date he would totally flip out. When I try to distance myself from him he seems really hurt but not enough to commit. I love this guy and I don’t want to walk away from him after putting in so much time and effort, but I don’t want to play the fool either. What do I do, Wendy!?!? — Tired of Playing the Fool
Start dating other people. Maybe you’ll meet someone else you like better and/or maybe your FWB will see that he’s in danger of losing you and decide to commit. Better yet, distance yourself from the FWB, let him get hurt, and love yourself enough to say, “So what! Better he gets hurt than continuing to hurt me.”
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.