Since tomorrow’s a holiday, I’m going to take the day off from posting, so we’re doing Shortcuts today. For every question I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
My boyfriend is gone for a week to Oklahoma visiting his dad and the rest of his family, and I’m worried he’s cheating on me with another girl while he’s there. I confronted him about this problem before he left, and he told me he would never do such a thing. But the way he’s acting is suspicious. I had to ask him if he missed me, rather than him just saying so. He has been spotty when it comes to returning my texts. He answers all of my calls, but the phone call we had tonight, for example, was weird. He told me three hours before I called that he was going to sleep, but he answered the phone like he’d been up ever since we last talked! We’ve been dating for a year and a month now, but I cheated on him for about three or so months with another guy. I told my boyfriend about it after the affair had already ended. He took it okay and I feel like we’ve recovered from that, but I just can’t get this fear of his cheating out of my head. — Fear of Cheating
You’re acting like a crazy person — calling your boyfriend every few hours, texting him constantly, telling him you’re worried he’s cheating on you, asking him if he misses you. Girl, he doesn’t have time to miss you with you up in his grill all day long. Give the boy some breathing room and let him enjoy his visit with his family. YOU’RE the one who cheated; quit projecting your transgressions onto him. And if you have such serious trust issues, it may be time to take a breather, clear your head, and get away from the pressures of a relationship.
I met a guy on a dating site in December. He emailed me first, then started texting/talking, then met me for coffee, and then we went on a few dates. Around April, he asked me to go to his place where we got intimate and have been getting intimate ever since. I asked him before if he’s seeing anybody else and he said no. I took his word. We mostly hang at his place on Fridays and I sleep over until the next day. I really don’t know if I should ask if we’re dating exclusively or just go with the flow? I don’t want to scare him off. I really like him and I feel he likes me too. — Scared of Scaring Him
How can you be dating exclusively when you aren’t actually dating at all? You don’t go anywhere together and it doesn’t sound like you do anything together except have sex at his place once a week. (Seriously, he can’t even be bothered to go to your place once in a while?) This has been going on for over six months. Quit being a wuss and speak up for what it is you want. If you’re going to “scare him off” at this point, there was never a chance he was going to stick around for anything serious anyway.
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for four years now. When we started our relationship, we were both overweight, she a lot more than I. For the past year I have been working out like crazy, and I’ve lost so much weight. I love my new body and am extremely happy with the changes I have made in my life. She, on the other hand, is still overweight and is making no effort to lose weight. I’m just no longer physically attracted to her. She’s a great person with a great heart, but I’m just no longer happy with our relationship. Please help. — No Longer Attracted
Your question is similar to one I answered last week and my answer is still the same: if you aren’t attracted to your girlfriend and you aren’t happy in the relationship despite your girlfriend’s “great heart,” then you need to move on. If the person you’re with has to change in order for you to be happy with her or him, and that person is not interested in changing, there’s no point in sticking around. Related: you knew she was overweight when you started dating her. If you’re upset that you’re dating someone you aren’t attracted to, whose fault is that??
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.