It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend Alex for a year. His brother told me that Alex had sex with their sister, but his brother likes me so I brushed it off after my boyfriend told me it wasn’t true and that maybe his brother wanted me and my boyfriend to break up. When I’m at Alex’s house, he leaves the room for thirty minutes to an hour and he isn’t in the living room or the kitchen, which I find odd because I’ve never been with a guy that leaves the room for so long to go talk to his family while I’m over and then doesn’t even tell me what he’s doing. I also read texts between him and his sister, and I saw a text with him asking her to go to the movies with him, a text telling her to “come here alone because I have to ask you something,” a text with him telling her “bring my shorts, underwear, and towel,” and a text with her saying, “Hurry up before your girl gets back” along with his reply, “I’m trying.” (None of these texts were on the same day.) Am I being paranoid because of what his brother told me, or would you worry too? — Worried About the Sister Thing
Just the fact that his brother would say such a disturbing thing and that Alex pretty much brushed it off and didn’t do anything to reassure you or validate your relationship is concerning. Instead, you say he ignored you and behaves in a way that might give the disturbing comment by his brother some merit. And that you even think there’s a chance there may be truth to the bombshell that Alex slept with his sister is telling in itself. A healthy relationship can’t be built on this foundation, regardless of what the truth is. MOA.
My boyfriend, whom I have been with off and on because he goes back and forth between me and his ex, has a baby on the way next month with the ex. We already have two kids together. We live together, but I am wondering if it makes sense for me to stay. He has made it clear to her that he is in a relationship with me, but she is the type who doesn’t care. On top of it all, his family loves her because they have seven or more years’ history with her while they don’t care for me because I am twelve years his senior. — Twelve Years His Senior
Oh, honey, no. Kick him out, sue him for child support, focus on raising your kids and creating a stable co-parenting relationship with their father, and avoid two-timing men who don’t know how to use a condom.
I’ve been with my fiancé for three years. He has a 14-year-old daughter who does not live with him although he does get her every weekend. But his daughter isn’t the issue; my issue is that my fiancé and I are going to move in together in a few weeks and, although it’s not often, his daughter’s mother does sometimes text or call after 10 p.m. I asked him to please ask her not to call or text after 10 p.m. unless it’s an emergency pertaining to their daughter, and he got very upset. Am I wrong for asking him to do this? — Stepmom to Be
Have you asked that no one else call or text after 10 p.m. or just her? I think the key here is to make it a universal request — don’t answer calls or texts, from anyone, after 10 unless it’s an emergency. And the same has to go for you. If you make this solely about her and you don’t follow the same rules for yourself, then it’s totally unfair and makes you look jealous. If you have a legit reason to be jealous — like, if you suspect their relationship goes beyond co-parenting and that some feelings linger between them, then perhaps you shouldn’t be planning to move in with him and marry him…
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.