Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “My Boyfriend Says I ‘Have’ To Have a Threesome With Him”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I’m 25 years old, my boyfriend is 30, and we’ve been together a year and a half. Most of that time has been very happy, but I made the mistake of telling him I had a threesome before I met him and ever since then he has been harassing me. He tells me that I “have” to do this with him now since I did it with another couple and made another man’s dreams come true. He has been on sex sites emailing countless women trying to get them to join us in a threesome. When I told him that I didn’t want to share him, he started yelling and told me to leave his house. When he drove me home, he started screaming and hitting the seat behind my head. He stated that, unless I do this, the relationship cannot continue as this means I have made him less than a man. I’m not understanding how someone who was so loving and caring could become this way. I made a huge mistake by telling him and regret it with every passing moment. — Not Interested in Another Threesome

You’re mistake wasn’t in telling him about your threesome; it was staying with him another second after he started harassing you, screaming at you, and telling you you “have” to have a threesome to make his dream’s come true. Try to see the silver lining in all of this: You have now seen a very scary side of your boyfriend that you may not have otherwise seen until you were more deeply invested and entangled together. Please MOA and never look back!

My boyfriend is asking me to start wearing make up — he says just minimal make-up, especially lipstick. I’m not really a makeup person anymore; I was before I met him and when we first started dating, but I got comfortable over the years and now I feel really bad and like I lost myself along the way. I don’t dress up and look sexy like I used to. I feel like he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. What do I do? — No More Effort

 
If YOU feel like you’ve lost yourself and don’t put any effort into your appearance and your boyfriend is basically telling you that he’d like you to put more effort into your appearance, I guess I don’t understand why you can’t/don’t put more effort into your appearance. Try for a week to wear some lipstick and mascara and some of your better clothes (and if you don’t have any that fit, go shopping for a couple new items that make you feel good about yourself) and see how you feel. If you’re depressed, find a therapist to talk to. There’s really no reason you need to continue feeling bad when a solution could be as easy as fixing your hair and swiping some lipstick across your mouth.

My brother is disabled and his long-term girlfriend is immobile and uses walking aids. Although we invite her to family celebrations, it is a huge problem to include her in a wedding party but we don’t want to offend my brother. Can you offer any suggestions? — No Hassle, Please

 
Yep, suck it up and deal with the “huge problem” of including a disabled person in your wedding party if doing so means not alienating and offending your brother. Be happy and grateful the “huge problem” isn’t yours to deal with on a daily basis, and, for God’s sake, practice a little compassion. You don’t know what life has in store for you and what might happen to put YOU in a position of needing people’s compassion, flexibility, and understanding.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

33 comments… add one
  • avatar

    jlyfsh July 17, 2015, 8:58 am

    LW#2, do you find yourself attractive? Are you happy with where you are? If you’re not, change something. I would take what he is saying as he notices that you are no longer happy with where you are. It sounds like there is probably more going on then just a lack of desire to wear make up. If you’ve lost yourself, why is that? What changed in your life that made you stop caring? And if he’s asking you to wear lipstick maybe there is something going on with your lips. Are they healthy looking and feeling even?

    And yes LW#3, I’m sure it will mean juggling things and changing things up, but wouldn’t it be worth it? I’m sure if she’s been a part of your family for long everyone is used to helping make them both comfortable and adjusting based on what they need. It would probably also mean a lot to her and not just your brother that you included her.

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  • avatar

    Essie July 17, 2015, 9:04 am

    LW1: Jaysus. I would have been gone at “he says I made him less of a man”. What an absurd, childish, laughable thing to say. And at any rate, he wasn’t much of a man to begin with, having a tantrum like that. Dump him. Today. Before he starts beating you up every time he thinks you “made him less of a man”.
    .
    LW2: Normally I’d say that whether or not you wear makeup is your call, not your BF’s, but if you feel that you haven’t been taking care of yourself,and it’s bothering you (“I’ve lost myself”), then do it for yourself. Give it a try and see how it feels.
    .
    LW3: No, it is not a ‘huge problem’ to include your brother’s girlfriend. A ‘huge problem’ is being disabled. And this reprehensible question isn’t worth another minute of my time.

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  • avatar

    Laura Hope July 17, 2015, 9:12 am

    LW1 Wow are you lucky! Think about all the women who don’t find out their SO’s are abusive until after they’re married. You dodged a bullet.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster July 17, 2015, 9:14 am

    You know what makes him less of a man, LW1? Screaming and you and becoming violent because he thinks he’s entitled to a threesome with you and that he’s so narcissistic and sexist that he’s somehow made your sexual history about him. Tell him that when you dump his ass (with some backup in tow or over the phone because he sounds like a lunatic).

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    • avatar

      Cleopatra Jones July 17, 2015, 9:21 am

      I wouldn’t even tell him that I was breaking up with him. This dude is cray-zay, he needs to be ghosted because no telling what he will do if LW tells him in person that she’s breaking up with him.
      .
      I’d go over and get all of my belongings when he wasn’t home or leave that stuff, if it’s replaceable. Once away from him, I would block his calls and block him on social media. If he shows up at your door or job, call the police.
      .
      Beating on the back of the car seat, screaming at her, harassing her about a 3-some is the huge red flag that the LW needs to end this relationship.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster July 17, 2015, 11:47 am

        I definitely agree that her safety comes first. No buts about it.

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  • avatar

    joanna July 17, 2015, 9:18 am

    Not every guy’s fantasy is a threesome. Just saying.
     
    Also you should definitely lose the guy you have because he seems to have violent tendencies. People who tend to hit and punch inanimate objects tend to graduate to hitting people.

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    • avatar

      Unwanted_Truth July 17, 2015, 9:37 am

      Might wanna go back and re- read LW1 before you go on telling her not to paint all men with the same brush. Her BF said that, NOT the LW.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros July 17, 2015, 9:48 am

      She never said it was every guy’s fantasy. She doesn’t deserve to be scolded for something she didn’t even do.

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      • Lady_Red

        Red_Lady July 17, 2015, 10:32 am

        I read that comment differently, not as an attack on the LW, but just a fact related to the content of the letter.

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      • avatar

        Unwanted_Truth July 17, 2015, 10:34 am

        She went and edited her comment, so her original comment, before edit, WAS an “attack” on the LW. She covered her tracks once she realized her mistake.

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      • Lady_Red

        Red_Lady July 17, 2015, 10:44 am

        Ok, thanks for the clarification.

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      • avatar

        Unwanted_truth July 17, 2015, 10:49 am

        Anytime

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy July 17, 2015, 9:20 am

    LW1: This is actually great because he’s given you a perfect option – he’s trying to bully you into having a threesome, and says the relationship can’t continue unless you do. You don’t want to have a threesome, so you have an easy out from your relationship with this crazy asshole.

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine July 17, 2015, 9:38 am

    LW he has done you a huge favor and shown you who he really is. Believe him!! This guy is an entitled wing nut who’s a hair away from becoming physically abusive. He’s already abusing you verbally and intimidating you. This dude never ever deserves to see you again-he is a threat to your physical and emotional safety. DTMFA.

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine July 17, 2015, 9:41 am

    LW3 I really hope your fiancé sees your letter and has second thoughts. Take a minute and think about what ‘in sickness and health’ really means, you don’t sound ready to make that commitment to anyone at all. Yeesh.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros July 17, 2015, 9:57 am

    LW3: I think if you can plan an entire wedding, you can also plan for accommodations for one person. When my best friend got married, it was never a question whether her new brother-in-law would be a groomsman even though he needed some adjustments in order for the wedding venue and ceremony to be accessible. That’s because they saw him as a person and not a set of disabilities.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark July 17, 2015, 10:06 am

    LW1) He sounds like a nut. That said — telling your partner now that you used to have wild adventurous sex with other people, but won’t do so with him as all that is behind you tends to make people wish they had dated the previous, much more interesting you.
    .
    LW2) Oh, for fuck’s sake, fix up a bit. Being comfirtable with yourself doesn’t require one goes around like shit…
    .
    LW3). Eh… Honestly? Did EVERYBODY here sniping make ALL of their siblings bf/gfs members of the wedding party? Hmmm, I wonder. Look, I was a groomsmen at my sisters wedding, but i can’t imagine demanding that James (my bf at the time) be one as well… Good thing, too, as that relationship soon after imploded… 😉

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom July 17, 2015, 10:13 am

      I agree about the wedding party. You usually choose your closest friends and family members to be in the wedding party itself. I don’t know anyone who included a sibling’s boyfriend or girlfriend. I assume you would consider it if they were engaged but even then, if you were engaged first and had already decided on your wedding party it would be too late to add them. I think it would be appropriate to invite her to be a guest and if she needs help to extend invitations to those who would help her. She should be treated like the girlfriend of a sibling.

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      • avatar

        for_cutie July 17, 2015, 10:40 am

        I did include my now brother-in-law’s girlfriend in my wedding party, and my wedding party was only 3 girls including her so it was not one of those huge tack-on-another-chick wedding parties. That said, she was a nightmare and demanded how everything be done including the order people walked down the aisle. She said she was anxious about not know the other girls then got shit faced before a casual meet and greet I arranged to address her concern; she was too drunk to talk to them and ended up puking! It was unnecessary drama, but it is the right thing to include someone. She is now my sister-in-law, not that this justifies it in any way. It is about the gesture of including someone and sharing the love on a special family day, drama/accommodations or not.

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      • avatar

        Anonymous July 17, 2015, 10:46 am

        I think it’s totally fine to include an in-law, if you feel close to them or you want to feeler closer to them and you think including them will facilitate that – but their inclusion is by no means standard. I don’t even think including *siblings* is necessarily standard. Siblings SO’s should be invited no question – but included in the wedding party? I think that’s up to the couple who is getting married, and if they only want friends or blood relations in the wedding party, I don’t think that anyone should get upset about that.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph July 17, 2015, 1:21 pm

        I didn’t even include my husband’s brother’s wife in my wedding party… and I wish it had been smaller still. I had 5. That was enough.
        But I think the sniping is because the LW doesn’t want a disabled girl in her wedding party whom she otherwise would have had, not that we think she need to have the brother’s gf in the wedding party.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite July 17, 2015, 10:09 am

    LW1: RUN! Look how easily he got violent.
    .
    LW2: I’m not a makeup wearer, but I’ve only done it in spurts before and don’t feel lost. Dressing up every now and then was meant to be fun. Plan a date night where you go all out. Infuse your relationship a little bit and throwback a little bit for yourself. If that doesn’t help, I’d look into more resources around depression.
    .
    LW3: You can’t even give one example of why it’s a “huge problem” to include her and only say it’s because she needs walking aids which I read as crutches, scooter, wheelchair, or canes. Where are you planning on having your wedding? Almost every building now has some semblance of disability accommodations, pick a newer building, city building, vfw, etc. If you’re wanting outside, pick a park with paved paths.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom July 17, 2015, 10:18 am

      I got married in my family church which was built in the early 1900’s and it was not and still isn’t handicap accessible. If someone in a wheelchair comes to the church the men lift the wheelchair up the steps and into the building. The same for leaving. Some places have significance to the couple and are picked for that reason. If the couple has no special reason to choose a specific location then yes, it would be thoughtful to pick a location that was handicap accessible. Even if the place is handicapped accessible they should choose people to be in their wedding party because they are close to them. I do think she should be invited as a guest if they don’t feel like she is one of their closest friends.

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  • avatar

    Ele4phant July 17, 2015, 10:29 am

    Re – LW3, it does kind of make her a jerk if the *only* reason she wants to exclude her boyfriend’s girlfriend is because it would be a hassle or would “ruin the pictures”. But, at the same time, why is she even being expected to include the SO of a sibling in her wedding party? As far as I know, that’s not standard. The only instances I can think of where the partner of a sibling was in the wedding party was when they are particularly close to the bride or groom – ie they were basically a close friend AND an in-law. Most of the time siblings SO’s, even spouses, aren’t part of the wedding party. If LW3 has other close friends she wants to include, I think she should have the discretion to pick them over her brother’s girlfriend.

    The only thing I can think is that perhaps the girlfriend (and brother) may have developmental disabilities and have gotten really excited about being *in* the wedding, and there’s not really an easy way to let them know they aren’t necessarily guaranteed to be in it without hurting their feelings? If so, it would be a kind thing to let the girlfriend be in the wedding party, or to give her a “special” job like being the greeter or usher that welcomes everyone. But assuming the girlfriend only has physical disabilities, I don’t see why the LW should feel pressured to bump the girlfriend of her brother ahead of some of her own close friends when it comes to putting together her wedding party, nor would I assume the girlfriend assume she’d even be asked to be part of it.

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  • Lady_Red

    Red_Lady July 17, 2015, 10:41 am

    LW1, you are totally in the right here. Joining a couple for a threesome is totally different than inviting someone to join your couple for a threesome. Too bad this guy didn’t get how special you thought he was, and instead showed you that he’s actually an asshole. At least now you know.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie July 17, 2015, 10:46 am

    LW#1 – I think you can see everyone is in agreement that you need to leave this relationship for your own sanity and safety.

    LW#2 – My grandmother (a feminist before feminism was a movement) always said that fixing yourself up had the effect of making you feel better. A “fake it til you make it” approach. Additionally, I understand there is this notion that for some couples, when they start feeling comfortable they wear less makeup, keep the bathroom door open, whatever. Now, I know I’m going to get flack for this but… I never understood why people don’t take the time to groom for their spouses but do for strangers. I subscribe to the notion that, barring illness or emergency situations, taking five-ten minutes to groom, even if you’re spending the day running errands or just having dinner at home, is worth it just to say “I like you and want to look attractive for you.” And you never know when a good looking delivery person or fireman comes to the door (it happens!).

    LW#3 – If would like her to be in your wedding party because you like her, you can easily make accommodations including not requiring her to walk down the aisle and setting up a chair or other convenience at the altar. My dad has mobility issues and although he was able to walk down the aisle at my sister’s wedding we just had a chair at the chuppah waiting for him. Everyone will understand. Those who don’t can suck it.

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  • norabb

    norabb July 17, 2015, 10:57 am

    LW2: Sometimes people become so close for so long that they become one another. You might be codependent. It’s okay, and you can change things and improve your relationship, with him and yourself. Your self is still there! You just need to listen to her and let her speak.
    .
    Furthermore, I’d check out a group for codependency like CoDA, at coda.org

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom July 17, 2015, 11:19 am

    LW1 It wasn’t a mistake to tell him about a threesome, he should have been able to handle it. What is a mistake is staying with him another moment longer. As someone else said, he is making your sexual past all about him. He isn’t asking why you aren’t interested in doing this with him and he was trying to arrange the threesome even though you told him you didn’t want to do it. He is not respecting your boundaries. The threesome is also all about him and his sexual pleasure and nothing about you and your sexual pleasure. The whole thing, even before the violent, bullying outbursts, was self-absorbed and narcissistic. Then he began the bullying and the violent outburst. Probably the only thing that stopped him from hitting you was the knowledge that if he did he wouldn’t get the threesome. You need to get away from him fast and refuse to be alone with him, not even alone for a few minutes. He will very likely try to repair his emasculated sense of self by beating you up thus showing you who the real man is. If he shows up at your door do not open it. Tell him to leave and if he doesn’t turn around and leave immediately you should call the police. Keep your phone on you at all times. Keep your eyes open. He may follow you to or from work and try to stop you at some point.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom July 17, 2015, 11:25 am

    LW3 It is your wedding and you should have the wedding party you would have if your brother wasn’t handicapped. I think it shows more respect for him and his girlfriend if you treat them the way you would treat them if they weren’t handicapped. Your wedding isn’t about your brother. It is your wedding, the start of your marriage. The girlfriend of a brother isn’t usually a member of the wedding party. She would usually be a guest.

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  • Monkeysmommy

    Monkeysmommy July 17, 2015, 11:58 am

    LW 1: I am going to take a different stance than others and agree you shouldn’t have told him. No, it isn’t every mans fantasy to have a threesome, but I can see how some men would be s pain in the ass about the fact you did it for another guy but won’t him. I tell my husband verrrry little about my past life, other than that I am std free. What good does it serve for him to know what I’ve done in the past? Especially if I’m unwilling to do it again. But that being said, dump this douche bag. You did tell him, he doesn’t like the answer, and now he is being an ass. Let him go.

    LW2: for fucks sake. Slap on some lip gloss and mascara. What’s the big damn deal??

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph July 17, 2015, 2:35 pm

      I would say it depends on the type of relationship you want and its up for every couple to decide. You and your husband prefer to let the past stay the past, BlueKate below and her partner prefer to talk more about their past. My husband and I are more on the open side (although my past sex experience equates to one guy who he met so the info was kind of out there anyways– my husband and I were friends when my ex and I were together)
      I think that the LW and her boyfriend (current and future) can choose whether or not to share past experiences. But if she decides not to, it should NOT be because a dude had a freakout.
      Honestly, I think she may have discovered a perfect litmus test to answer the question “is your boyfriend a jackass.”

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  • BlueKate

    BlueKate July 17, 2015, 1:45 pm

    LW1: I told my partner about my past, and that I had that experience shortly before meeting him. You know what he did? He thanked me for being able to be open with him, because it let him be more open with me about his fantasies. It let us both explore each other better, and our communication is amazing. Our relationship and sex life improved due to our openness about our past and experiences. So how your partner reacted is a HUGE sign, above an exit door, telling you to run … hell, sprint like you’re in the Olympics going for that gold. As others said, this may very well end up in actual physical abuse, and probably very soon. Also look at it this way, if he does get his threesome, do you think he’ll treat you any better? I think it’ll still get worse, even that what it is now. Be happy that his mask slipped before you signed any marriage papers.

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