Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “My Ex is Cheating on His Girlfriend With Me”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about two years ago (we were together for four years), but we still hook up (sex) once a month. He has a girlfriend. We broke up because he said he couldn’t trust me, even though he cheated on me and I forgave him and now he’s cheating on his current girlfriend with me, go figure. I was a complete mess when we broke up and it took me a while to let go. So around March of this year, when we started to hook up again, at first I did it because deep down I wanted his girlfriend to find out and break up with him, so he could feel as hurt as I did when he broke up with me. But I think I still love him, and it’s been really difficult for me too start a new relationship with anybody because of my feelings for my ex. Should I tell him how I feel, even though I know he will reject me? It’s just been so hard to move on. — Can’t MOA

 
Look, if you really wanted to move on from your ex-boyfriend, you wouldn’t be hooking up with him. Admit that you don’t want to move on, tell him how you feel, get hurt again when he either rejects you or cheats on you, and THEN maybe you’ll be ready to move on. Or just skip ahead to the part where you stop sleeping with him and tell him to fuck off.

My husband of eight years is OBSESSED with looking at women online, whether it be via porn, surfing the web, or apps he has downloaded to his phone. In the past he had been looking at a website that list escorts, explicit pics of women and easy access to their contact info. When confronted, naturally he denied ever making any contact and stated they are “just pics.” I told him I found this completely disrespectful, and that it had to stop. About a year ago, I found he had moved on from that site to searching Craigslist personal ads for women seeking men. Another red flag. Once again I was told the same story — “they are just pics.” Well, that answer is not good enough for me. I have had his two kids and managed to maintain my size 3 over the years while he has let himself go in the comfort zone, and now he has apps on his phone that are overloaded with pics of naked women? I feel like it’s time to move on as I can no longer compete with his obsession, nor can I continue my life as this angry insecure person. Thoughts please!!! — Over It

 
You can read some of my thoughts on this very issue here, here, here, and here. If you haven’t tried couples therapy, do that, and if he refuses or you find it doesn’t solve anything, MOA.

My boyfriend and I had just got back together. We had been fighting all the time, and I mean all the time, so I left town for a couple months. When I came back, I stayed with a friend and then hooked up with my ex who then begged me to move back in with him, so I did. Now we fight all the time again and he tells me to leave knowing that I have nowhere to go. So the other night after he told me to leave, I went to a girlfriend’s place, called up a guy who I know and went to spend a couple nights with him. Should I tell my boyfriend? — Bouncing Around

 
No, consider yourself broken up since he kicked you out after nonstop fighting. Get your own apartment already and quit crashing with guys you’re sleeping with. Life will be much easier when you aren’t dependent on a guy for a roof over your head.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

75 comments… add one
  • JK

    JK December 14, 2012, 9:06 am

    WWS for the first two letters, and I´m guessing the 3rd as well, but I couldn´t actually understand a word of it.

    Reply Link
  • Fabelle

    Fabelle December 14, 2012, 9:19 am

    LW1, I’m pretty sure I have been in this exact situation, pretty much, & all you can do is PLEASE move on. You probably can’t even decipher right now if you miss your ex, still love, still love the sex, or if you’re—on some level—continuing this in hopes he gets hurt somehow. Promise yourself that you won’t hook up with him anymore, follow through, & clear your head.

    LW2: This…isn’t normal. And your husband is being shady if he really keeps saying they’re “just pics”. I mean, my boyfriend has a fuckton of lady pictures on his computer, & he found them all from image hosting sites, lingerie model sites, porn sites, etc. THOSE are “just pics”—there’s no contact info involved. Either your husband doesn’t know how to use the internet, or he’s actively chatting/searching for other women. AND to an obsessive degree (who needs apps on their phone like that? I don’t even understand what those apps are)

    LW3: WWS…

    Reply Link
    • Fabelle

      Fabelle December 14, 2012, 9:19 am

      *still love him

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Kay December 14, 2012, 9:22 am

    For all three – really? I mean, really?

    I just don’t understand why women would let themselves get walked on like these three. Are people really that desperate to not be alone? And in general after reading several letters, why do we put up with such behavior? I don’t understand why women would engage in such soul-sucking behavior, knowing that it is such behavior, then wonder why it’s all shot to hell.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lemongrass December 14, 2012, 11:04 am

      Really low self esteem. It is so sad!

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Amanda December 14, 2012, 9:29 am

    LW1: WWS + Aim higher

    LW2: WWS. Your husband is clearly disrespecting you and your marriage. However, I have a couple questions: When did this start? Why do you think he started doing this? There is something amiss in your relationship that you didn’t bring up in your letter and it has nothing do do with body size. Get yourselves to couples therapy to save your marriage (if that’s what you want).

    LW3. Please get your own place to live and learn to live a less drama-filled life. Trust me, you will be happier for it.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary December 14, 2012, 9:37 am

    LW2: I feel for you. I bet you’ve tried really hard to keep the “spark” alive, and keep your body in shape, expecting that if you looked good your husband wouldn’t resort to these online activities. You also probably want to stay in your marriage for the sake of yourself (getting divorced sucks) and your kids. It sounds like your husband has an addiction AND there is probably something else going on in your marriage. Cheating is like 90% emotional and 10% physical (most of the time). I don’t think anyone would blame you if you left him, but I also think if you want to save your marriage, you and your husband need counseling, together and separately. Does your husband realize that you are ready to leave over this?

    Reply Link
  • katie

    katie December 14, 2012, 9:37 am

    so i find it really, really sad that LW2 needs to mention how she has kept her size 3 body after 3 kids- as if that matters whether or not her husband has issues?

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Addie Pray December 14, 2012, 9:54 am

      I was thinking the SAME thing. LW2 is missing the point completely. And based on her logic, what, would her husband’s conduct be ok if she — god forbid –did get bigger? No. Also, what’s a size 3? Do sizes come in odd numbers? I thought only kid sizes did.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        kerrycontrary December 14, 2012, 9:56 am

        Junior sizes come in odds. So I think a size 3 is equivalent to a size 2? Or a 4? small either way. Maybe she’s from another country?

        Link
      • avatar

        Addie Pray December 14, 2012, 10:06 am

        See, I was born weighing 7 pounds or so and then *BAM* I weighed # and was at least a size #. Logic tells me I must have gradually gotten there – so I’m sure I weighed 100 pounds and was a size 2 at some point along the way, it just came and went in a blink during 6th grade, ha.

        Link
      • avatar

        Kelly L. December 14, 2012, 10:29 am

        Ha, yeah, me too. I think some of those sizes actually overlap with the larger kids’ sizes, just with the clothes being proportioned differently. I think I spent my “size 2” days wearing about a 12 in Girls or something like that. The first juniors size I ever had clothes in was 5, and I did not stay there for long. Skinny me is about a 10 in misses and fat me is about a 16-18.

        Link
      • avatar

        ktfran December 14, 2012, 10:07 am

        I was thinking the same thing! Does size 3 even when you reach adulthood. But KC is right, juniors or maybe another country?

        Link
      • katie

        katie December 14, 2012, 10:13 am

        ive actually been to places where the sizes are odd and places where the sizes are even- and then god forbid i go to the places where its actually the numbers. cue idiot me having to look at the tag of my jeans to figure out what size i am… anyway, i think it just depends how the store does it? but ive always noticed that its either even OR odd, and never both.

        sizing makes absolutely no sense. none.

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest December 14, 2012, 10:54 am

        Yea, same with me. Also, there’s some that size in 4/5 or 7/8.

        Link
      • katie

        katie December 14, 2012, 11:01 am

        oh good call! so really there is 4 ways to size women’s clothes. awesome, clothing people, awesome system…

        Link
      • avatar

        GatorGirl December 14, 2012, 10:19 am

        Juniors sizes come in odd numbers in a lot of stores. I’ve never seen odd numbers at say Nordstrom.

        And from my experience, if you’re a Juniors 3 it’s equivalent to a “regular” size 4…most of the time. I’ve been finding lately that clothes seem to be getting smaller and smaller.

        Link
      • avatar

        kerrycontrary December 14, 2012, 10:26 am

        See I think clothes are getting bigger and bigger, thanks vanity sizing. So I’m a solid size 6 right now. But I go into some stores (Like Anne Taylor Loft) and a small is big on me. and I’m like “really? lets be real now”. I should not be fitting into extra smalls.

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest December 14, 2012, 10:30 am

        I will not complain about vanity sizing, thankyouverymuch 🙂

        Link
      • avatar

        Addie Pray December 14, 2012, 10:34 am

        Wait, is vanity sizing a thing that is happening? Because my clothes are not getting smaller. Great, this whole time I thought I was “maintaining” but it turns out the clothes were getting bigger and so was I. I can’t win. So I’m not even going to play. I’m going to go eat some left over pasta right now. It’s only 9:30 but I want to make sure I eat it NOW so I’ll be hungry again when the pizza gets here for lunch. If everybody were as logical and rational as me, the world would be so much better (and chubbier).

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest December 14, 2012, 10:53 am

        Its not anything new. But a size 2 today was like a size 8 20 years ago. Or something like that. I’m making up figures.

        Link
      • avatar

        Kelly L. December 14, 2012, 12:08 pm

        It’s pretty gradual. You probably really are maintaining.

        Link
      • avatar

        ktfran December 14, 2012, 10:51 am

        I can’t even wear things from Loft because of vanity sizing. I know it’s not an unfortunate problem, but even the extra smalls are too big.

        Link
      • avatar

        GatorGirl December 14, 2012, 11:06 am

        I just went to Loft yesterday and bought an xs sweater. I’m on the smaller side, but not THAT small.

        I work at a department store in the juniors department and those clothes seem to keep getting smaller and smaller. Like a large in the store brand fits me, but an xs at Loft fits me. It makes no damn sense.

        Link
      • Fabelle

        Fabelle December 14, 2012, 10:44 am

        Yeah, I confess I still buy jeans in junior sizes & you’re right. I’m a 3 or a 5 in juniors, & a 2 or a 4 in regular “misses” sizes. So junior sizes run smaller, I think, since a 1 is supposed to be equivalent to a 2. But I can fit into a 2, & cannot fit into a 1.

        And my brain just exploded trying to explain that. Why can’t women have, you know, ACTUAL pant sizes like men get to have?

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest December 14, 2012, 10:55 am

        At more expensive stores, I’ve found they do pant sizes in actual sizes. Like a 28 waist or whatever. I wish all stores just used the same sizing. It’d make online clothes shopping a lot easier.

        Link
      • avatar

        Eagle Eye December 14, 2012, 10:58 am

        Actually, even those have changed, at least for men. So, even though the numbers are supposed to be a specific measurement, they are usually a couple of extra inches added on for vanities sake!

        Link
      • avatar

        SweetPeaG December 14, 2012, 11:15 am

        I was told by Clinton and Stacy on What Not to Wear to not go into the Junior’s section- even if you can fit- once you’vre reached adulthood… so I’ve stopped. ::Sigh::

        I am thinking a size 3 is very tiny though. I am a size 4 or 6 in the misses section. And the last time I tried on something in the Juniors section it was a 7.

        Link
      • avatar

        Rachel December 14, 2012, 11:26 am

        The cut is different, I think Juniors section jeans assume smaller hips than a similar size in women’s.

        Link
      • othy

        Othy December 14, 2012, 11:28 am

        I love Stacy and Clinton. I actually came to the decision to stop shopping in Juniors right before I started watching the show. The juniors clothes just don’t last.. and I’m too old for most of the styles. I already look like a teenager, I don’t need to dress like one too.

        Link
      • avatar

        kerrycontrary December 14, 2012, 11:40 am

        Yeh I listened to that advice as well. Stuff just fits differently. It doesn’t allow for large chests, stuff is lower cut and doesn’t have room for hips. Plus, I feel super silly in the juniors section now. I can’t even bring myself to go into Forever 21 if I want to because there are 12 year olds shopping in there.

        Link
      • avatar

        kerrycontrary December 14, 2012, 11:40 am

        PS I know a lot of people love Forever 21, so I’m not busting on the store.

        Link
      • avatar

        Addie Pray December 14, 2012, 11:45 am

        Forever 21 is a dumb name. I would NOT want to be 21 again. I would love to shop at a Forever 32 though… That would be the coolest store ever.

        Link
      • avatar

        lemongrass December 14, 2012, 11:47 am

        They would sell yoga pants and wine.

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest December 14, 2012, 12:02 pm

        That’s the meme I was just trying to find!

        Link
      • avatar

        kerrycontrary December 14, 2012, 12:00 pm

        I would love to be 21 again! It was sooooo much fun.

        Link
      • avatar

        GatorGirl December 14, 2012, 11:49 am

        I *like* Forever 21, but hardly anything fits there anymore. I guess my “womanly” body isn’t who they design for. Also the clothes are crap. A few washes and it’s ready to be thrown out.

        I did just buy a nice pair of colored skinny cords there. I can’t bring myself to pay big bucks for something I’m going to wear maybe 3 times.

        Link
      • avatar

        bethany December 14, 2012, 1:01 pm

        I recently bought a dress at F21 that’s a LARGE. Keep in mind, I’m 5’6″ and weigh 130. I wear a 2 or 4 pants, depending on the store, and have a small chest. I have no idea who they are making these clothes for if I’m a large. It was depressing.

        Link
    • bagge72

      bagge72 December 14, 2012, 9:56 am

      I find it really really sad that she refers to her kids as “his kids”, like she only had them to make him happy, and she doesn’t like them.

      Reply Link
      • katie

        katie December 14, 2012, 10:15 am

        yea i noticed that as well.. its like she is saying, look- he has three perfect kids, a beautiful perfect wife, he has this perfect family, why is he doing this?

        answer: because he sucks. no amount of a perfect wife or family will cure him.

        Link
    • avatar

      Something More December 14, 2012, 10:29 am

      When I read that I assumed she put it in there to circumvent any “Well, what do YOU look like?” questions. I guess a lot of people would probably assume she has let herself go since her husband would rather look at pictures of naked wqoman constantly first, not that he has a problem. Or maybe she pointed it out to express her frustration that she has kept her small figure and her husband doesn’t appreciate what he has in his own bedroom.

      Reply Link
      • katie

        katie December 14, 2012, 10:41 am

        honestly, though, both of those thoughts are offensive as well.

        a guy is obsessively looking at porn online and your first thought is that the wife is isnt pretty enough? thats shitty. lets not blame the one who is potentially going outside the marriage- lets blame the wife who has “let herself go”….

        and keeping a small frame means nothing in terms of what a partner appreciates. a partner should appreciate his or her partner- the whole person. again, it isnt up to the wife in this situation to “keep” her partner interested and “make” him appreciate what he has- that comes from him. thats on him if he doesnt do it.

        Link
      • avatar

        Something More December 14, 2012, 11:03 am

        I agree with you on both points; I was just pointing out a couple different reasons for her including what she did.

        Link
      • avatar

        lemongrass December 14, 2012, 11:12 am

        I agree with you, Katie! Yay!
        Confession: I got fat when my husband and I were dating. I went from being a regularly slim girl (I didn’t work out but I was by all definitions slim) to fairly overweight. I stayed overweight for about a year and then when he proposed I decided I did not want to get married while I couldn’t look myself in the mirror and then lost 40 lbs and maintained that until getting pregnant 1.5 years later.

        Maybe my husband is an anomaly but he never said anything (although I tell him now that if I start gaining weight, speak up!) and he tells me now that it honestly didn’t bother him. He loves me for what’s in my head and my body is just a bonus. I mean, we’re all going to get old, right?

        Link
      • avatar

        Kelly L. December 14, 2012, 3:38 pm

        Sadly, I’ve totally seen that–there have been a few threads here where a wife wrote in about similar issues without describing herself, and commenters/trolls jumped straight to “You must be teh fatz!” Not to mention that his behavior would be just as asinine if she were fat.

        Link
    • avatar

      csp December 14, 2012, 11:22 am

      I have to be blunt here. She shouldn’t be telling us what size she is but how often they are getting busy. I know that might be TMI for an online forum but honestly, if she is a size three but they are only getting busy 3 times a month, then there is the real problem.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest December 14, 2012, 11:29 am

        I think that depends on the couple, and not necessarily related to porn watching. Some couples may only do it once a month and be fine with that, others 3 times a day.
        There’s plenty of men who get laid daily, but still watch porn.

        Link
      • avatar

        GatorGirl December 14, 2012, 11:32 am

        I’m perfectly happy “getting busy” only 3 times a month. And I also happen to be just about a size 3.

        The real problem is her husband is an asshat.

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest December 14, 2012, 11:33 am

        Yea, I mean, if the husband preferred more sex, more often, then he should say so and have a discussion. Simple as that.

        Link
      • katie

        katie December 14, 2012, 11:35 am

        exactly. its hard to fix asshat…

        Link
      • avatar

        SweetPeaG December 14, 2012, 11:39 am

        3 times a month is just fine if you both are happy with it! It comes down to the whole matching libidos thing. At this point in my life, 3x a month would not be enough for me. Thankfully, my fiance feels the same. If we didn’t? I am pretty confident we’d be grown up enough to talk about it.

        I do agree- the husband is an asshat. If he is really missing something in the relationship (sexual or otherwise), he needs to talk to her about it and come up with solutions. What he is doing is not a solution. Becoming obsessed like he is is just plain unhealthy to himself and their marriage.

        Link
      • avatar

        lemongrass December 14, 2012, 11:46 am

        How about the real problem is his shady behaviour and not what she is doing wrong to deserve it? By your logic, my husband should be cheating on me because he’s only getting it twice a month right now!

        Link
  • Jess

    Jess December 14, 2012, 9:50 am

    LW2. So depressing that we get so many of these letters. I know my boyfriend watches porn –how often, I couldn’t say–and I consider that relatively normal and healthy –(confession: I do it too!!). It has nothing to do with a desire to cheat –it’s normal to desire other people, have sexual curiosities that you have no wish to act on. And I think it can supplement a couple’s sex life.

    It’s when it becomes obsessive, or a SUBSTITUTE (rather than a supplement) for sex with your partner that it becomes a problem. Worse still if your partner is actually talking, meeting, or godknowswhat with real people. That’s a completely different (and unacceptable) thing.

    It just seems that people like this are either desperate to leave their marriage or have truly obsessive/addictive personalities that they cannot pull away from the temptations. I don’t have a problem with the accessibility of porn in general (for adults!) –better/safer than going off to see live shows in my opinion. The problem isn’t new (flop houses, saloons, etc) –it’s just taken on a new form. Do you guys agree? Or do you think the accessibility of porn has given rise to a greater number of people with sexual/infidelity obsessions?

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest December 14, 2012, 9:55 am

      I’m sure for some people, its lead to cheating, but I think people who are going to cheat are just going to cheat, regardless of whether there’s porn or not. I don’t think there’s a .00001% chance my SO would cheat, but I know he enjoys porn. I don’t think there’s really too much of a connection there between cheating and porn watching.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      kerrycontrary December 14, 2012, 9:55 am

      I don’t think the accessibility of it has given a rise to infidelity issues, I think it’s more the accessibility to other people/strangers that has contributed to this. People can now contact each other through chat rooms, facebook, whatever. But…people used to also do this through newspapers and magazines. So I think someone who wants to cheat has always and will always find a way. I believe it’s a normal part of being a man so I have no problem with my boyfriend looking at it. Confession: Sometimes I go on his iPhone and he forgets to close a browser window and I find it! hahaha. I don’t care, but I’m also like “AHHH” since I don’t watch it by myself and sometimes I get a little shocked by the videos.

      Reply Link
    • katie

      katie December 14, 2012, 10:05 am

      oh i have so many theories-

      first, so many people just shouldnt get married and have kids in the first place. i feel like a lot of people do that without actually thinking about if its what they want, and then they get sucked into the typical suburban life with 3 kids and a desk job and it sucks their soul out of them. eventually the only enjoyment they get is from something like porn (or video games or drugs or whatever) because their life bores them so much.

      second i think that people in general just dont know when to stop. eating, drinking, porn- there is an acceptable and totally fun way to enjoy all those things, but i feel like especially now in our instant gratification, me me me society cant stop. they cant think, oh, maybe this is bad for me to do tonight. id rather do ___ with my partner/kids. maybe i should save this money for now because i need ___. also, people in our society now are almost proud of addictions- think people you know who are just *so* addicted to diet pepsi or starbucks. they wear it like a badge of honor, its really weird.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest December 14, 2012, 10:17 am

        I sadly agree with everything you’re saying.

        Link
      • avatar

        lemongrass December 14, 2012, 11:15 am

        I’m addicted to DW.

        Link
      • avatar

        MMcG December 14, 2012, 11:51 am

        Seriously… I’m surprised some of us survived the great wordpress forum crash of 2012, which is clearly what the Mayans were referring to as the end of the world 🙂

        Link
      • katie

        katie December 14, 2012, 11:53 am

        haha… ohh i just died. hilarious.

        and yes, i dont know how we survived it. it was a dark time…

        Link
      • avatar

        lemongrass December 14, 2012, 11:55 am

        Let’s not speak of it, it’s too soon…

        Link
      • avatar

        MMcG December 14, 2012, 3:08 pm

        My apologies… it really is such a sensitive and delicate issue.

        I know if I had to look at the Forums thing on the left and see that same old list from the weekend for much longer, well I really wasn’t sure I was going to last the week!

        Link
      • avatar

        MMcG December 14, 2012, 3:09 pm

        *on the right.

        SEE it’s like my whole world was upside down and I’m only now getting it back together… I mean I had to do work, while at my desk, during the workday!! WAAA

        Link
      • avatar

        GatorGirl December 14, 2012, 12:00 pm

        Oh those were rough days.

        Link
    • katie

      katie December 14, 2012, 10:08 am

      oh, also, i dont think that porn or sexual things are the problem- i think they are just the symptom. like, if this guy wasnt addicted to looking at women online, he would be addicted to video games or weed or something. the vise isnt what matters, i dont think, its the circumstances surrounding how you get to need the vise.

      Reply Link
    • Fabelle

      Fabelle December 14, 2012, 10:30 am

      I really don’t even equate porn with going to see live shows— there’s a voyeur aspect to the latter, where with porn, the viewer is not involved at all. It’s a really subtle distinction that I’m not doing very well to explain. But basically, I feel that watching porn on your computer is an extension of whatever fantasy is already in your head (whereas during a live show or something, you are PART of the fantasy, even if you’re not physically partaking other than masturbating)

      Anyway, so unless you think fantasizing leads to more infidelity, I can’t really see the argument (& this is a collective “you” by the way, I’m not attacking you @Jess for asking the question. It’s a thought-provoking question!)

      I’d say MOST people who enjoy porn are able to do so, & then go about their daily lives. And I think MOST people who enjoy porn really ONLY enjoy porn—meaning, pictures & videos. They don’t cross over into explicit chats with camgirls or whatever, because that involves too much mental & emotional energy during an act where you’re just trying to have an efficient orgasm.

      Obviously, this is just my opinion & thoughts on the subject…it’s based around my own habits, the habits of my current boyfriend, what I know about my friends (we love talking about this shit), & past partners (I’ve always been open with my partners, even just FWBs).

      The letters that come into DW about Craigslist, camgirls, sexting with exes…I feel like that’s an entirely different issue. It’s not about purely sexual release, it’s about thrill-seeking.

      Reply Link
  • KKZ

    KKZ December 14, 2012, 11:51 am

    Ugh. 9 times out of 10, exes should stay exes.

    Reply Link
  • landygirl

    landygirl December 14, 2012, 12:32 pm

    I think my brain just exploded. TGIF.

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark December 14, 2012, 1:32 pm

    LW1) Eh, stop being crazy. You get all pissy about how he once said he can’t trust you — and yet you immediately proceed to then tell us (without the slightest trace of irony or self awareness) that you now sleep with him in some warped, diabolical plot that his new gf will somehow (gee, I wonder how..?) find out and immediately dump him so he can feel YOUR pain…. Sheesh! No wonder he doesn’t trust you. You sound quite deranged, not to mention decidedly UNtrustworthy.

    LW2) Horrors! Your husband likes to view naked pictures of the ladies. He is OBSESSED! You say, OBSESSED! But I dunno, frankly, your evidence of his obsession seems relatively scant to me… Other than that he keeps doing it over your routine objections which, by the way, only succeed in making you appear needy and insecure. MEN LIKE PORN. ALL FUCKING MEN LIKE PORN. Hell, they recently tried to do a study somewhere comparing men who look at porn to those that don’t. What happened to that study? It had to be SCRAPPED simply because they couldn’t find enough non-porn watching men… Of course this won’t satisfy you. Because you HAD two of his babies and are still a size 3! Whatever. Be miserable then. Continue to make this a HUGE issue for all time! Men like to view naked pictures. Hell, to me it seems he moved on to Craigslist not because he is seeking any actual contact, but because you so vehemently objected to his looking at EVERYTHING else.. It’s so DISRESPECTFUL — you whine. My fucking favorite buzzword of the decade as it gives anybody carte blanche to be hopelessly irrational because suddenly its all about THEIR feelings. No women’s feels should ever be disrespected… And yet, you’re disrespecting your husband’s feelings by being so psycho over a few naked pictures. More irony! Which seemingly abounds in today’s letters.

    Look, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe all men don’t need to look at porn. Perhaps you can indeed prove to your husband that just because ALL (or at the very least) most members of one sex enjoy doing something doesn’t mean that they have to do it. So, prove it. Make a statement. That’s right… Stop shopping. Seriously, just stop ALL recreational shopping!!

    Of course I now have to explain this. See, men giving up porn is like women giving up shopping. Of course now, many will loudly object how this is apples and oranges. Whatever, I say. Apples and oranges are both fruits. And I’d hazard a guess that just as many marriages have been ruined by excessive shopping and the resulting failed credit scores as have been done in by porn. Moreove, both seem much more ingrained into the DNA of one sex than the other. So go build your case, LW2. STOP SHOPPING.

    LW3) Learn all about the pill. Use the pill. Learn all about condoms. Use condoms. Nah, wait. Scratch all that. Just go get your tubes tied.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Diana December 14, 2012, 1:48 pm

      BGM, you are so right about the word “disrespectful” and its trump-card status. How did that happen? It’s lost all meaning it once had as a consequence of this overuse in the name of justifying feelings.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      kf December 14, 2012, 4:47 pm

      I completely agree with you about LW2. She doesn’t say anything about his job or their home life or their sex life being affected. There doesn’t seem to be a larger issue about his attitude toward women, and a bad example for the children being set. She doesn’t mention how many hours a day he spends with the stuff.

      He looks at pictures, and she doesn’t like that. Whether he looks at them or not, or whether she dumps him, isn’t going to do anything about the primary problem which is that she goes through life as an angry, insecure person.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Lucy December 14, 2012, 10:16 pm

    Another Friday Full of Fail. I guess it’s a tradition now.

    I wish we had more info on LW 2. One person’s obsessed is another person’s normal. Does he spend an hour a week, or a day? Two? Ten? And how does she know what he’s looking at? Is he leaving it up on the screen? Filling up the hard drive with downloaded files? Or is she poring through his cache or history looking for incriminating evidence? How does she know what he has on his phone? I have no idea what’s on my husband’s phone, nor would I want to (in his case it’s probably every kenken app ever written, tho). Which of them is actually obsessed – him with nekkid chicks, or her with checking up on his nekkid chick habit?

    He OTOH sounds like a disrespectful assclown. I personally don’t think one partner should dictate what another looks at pretty much ever, as long as it’s legal. But unless she’s a world class cybersleuth, he’s doing a shitty job cleaning up after himself. Clearing the history and cache is just simple good manners.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Kali hathaway February 12, 2017, 7:55 pm

    I need help. My ex is cheating on me with his ex and this has happened a few times. We went out a year ago and we stopped going out because he was flirting with this girl and wouldn’t stop so we argued a lot. I just didn’t trust him anymore as I always was looking at his phone. We try to be friends but we always bugger that up. I hate doing this we both do but we both can’t control ourself. I know he cares about her a lot but why Is he doing this? Why am I doing this. I should also add that we have done this before when he had a previous girl friend we started talking and it was a good convo. All of a sudden he cheated on her with and now he’s cheating on this one with me. I really do hate myself for this. As we just want to be friends but we can’t even do that. I know we don’t love each other at all. So why are we still doing this.. ?

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Ron February 12, 2017, 9:15 pm

    You’re doing this because you have no self-respect or the morals to respect another woman’s relationship with this guy. He’s doing it because he is a cheat and you are letting him do it. This guy doesn’t seem worth competing for.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Kate February 13, 2017, 7:13 am

      Absolutely, not worth competing for. But maybe you get sucked into the drama of “fighting for” him because there’s this bogus sense of demand created by his ex. Like, oh, he must be something special if we both want him!

      Reply Link

Leave a Comment