It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I would thank him for his candor and for giving you the opportunity to protect your daughter from being raised by a man who lacks the emotional maturity to help raise a child who was biologically fathered by someone else. And, frankly, why are you engaged to a man who needs reassurance about this, and with whom you say you need time to build the relationship? This is a huge issue and one that should be settled well before you agree to marry someone. Your daughter already has one parent with questionable judgment raising her; don’t saddle her with another who resents her presence.
The other night he told me the main reason he wants to leave is because of my kids. I have three boys, and he thought he was ready for that but he isn’t. I love this man more then I’ve loved anyone and I believe he is my soulmate. He is everything I’ve dreamed of and then some. I know he loves me and I know a part of him wants this relationship. How do I get him to want to be around my kids? — Wanting my Soulmate Back
No. You have three kids and you moved them in with a man you barely knew, and you told other guys you were single because you “just plain didn’t know what you wanted”? You’re a mother of three — get your shit together!! Move out and focus on raising your three boys. This guy isn’t your soulmate, he isn’t your white knight, and he isn’t (and clearly doesn’t want to be) your kids’ stepdad. Enough said. MOA.
If you both want to stay married and you both want to have sex, go to therapy together and see if there’s a way you can have an emotionally and sexually satisfying relationship with each other. If there’s not, and if you decide to stay married for reasons of finance and convenience and you give each other your blessing to have sex with other people, go forth and be honest with potential sex partners about your situation. Use protection, get tested, and be discreet about your extramarital relationships since you have four kids in the picture.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.