Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “My Fiancé’s Brother Won’t Stop Staring At Me”

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It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

My fiancé’s brother will not look my way when speaking to me. At times, though, I catch him staring when I’m not looking. I’ve known them both since we were kids — 19 years, to be exact. My fiancé’s brother had a big crush on my sister growing up and I look exactly like her. Before I bring it to his attention, please tell me what’s going on. — No Eye Contact

 
Is it possible you have broccoli in your teeth? Another possibility is that your fiancé’s brother thinks you’re pretty/ look just like the girl he always had a crush on growing up and you make him a little nervous. Bringing this to his attention most certainly will not help matters. Just ignore it and, in time, he’ll either stop staring at you when you aren’t looking (which, by the way, if you aren’t looking, how do you know he’s staring?), or start looking at you when you’re talking.

P.S. Is your sister single?

I’ve been with my fella for just three months, but we have a strong relationship. I went out to a party with my best friend last weekend and got so so drunk. Then I found myself kissing another fella alone…but I stopped it because all I could think of was my boyfriend. We had been through sooo much in our relationship just to be together, and I feel like I’ve just gone and made all that a waste of time!! I feel really guilty, but I know that, if I tell him, it will crush him into a million pieces. I really don’t want to hurt him plus this will end us completely because we’re both so against cheating (even though I did it!). Also, that was my first time to ever cheat. Do you think I should tell him? — So Against It

 
No, don’t tell him (why crush him into a million pieces?). But don’t stay with him either. I say cut ties with your fella now and just enjoy being single. The nice thing about not being tied down is you can make out with whomever you want and it’s not considered cheating, which is a great thing for someone who’s, you know, so against it and all.

I left on Sunday to go upstate to say my final goodbyes to my dearest cousin who was murdered by her boyfriend. I wasn’t supposed to come home until Thursday morning but instead I came home at 3:30 Wednesday morning. The screen door was open and the front door wasn’t even closed, but my bedroom door was locked and so I knocked on it. My boyfriend opened it and grabbed me while a woman ran out of the room into the bathroom. I maced him and fought him, and then I kicked down the bathroom door, beat her up, and then let her run out down the street naked. The house is in my name, but my boyfriend pays the bills. I was gonna leave, but then I said “fuck that,” so I stayed and listened to him cry and apologize. What should I do? — In My Name

 
Kick him out and find a new roommate to help cover the bills.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

45 comments… add one
  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 9:20 am

    Any time a LW says this “We had been through sooo much in our relationship” my immediate reaction is MOA. Relationships aren’t supposed to be some epic battle.

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    • rosie posie

      rosie posie March 7, 2014, 9:25 am

      After only being together for three months!

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    • avatar

      rachel March 7, 2014, 9:25 am

      I was thinking the same thing, especially in a 3-month relationship!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 7, 2014, 9:32 am

      She ended that with “just to be together” so I thought it meant pre-relationship drama, not that it makes a difference really.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 9:39 am

        I almost left that part when I quoted it, but really it’s irrelevant to me. Honestly, overcoming so much just to be together might be worse.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 7, 2014, 9:40 am

        True!

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      • Miel

        Miel March 7, 2014, 10:06 am

        He’s a Montague! And I’m a Capulet! We had to overcome so much to be together! Our love was stronger!

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 10:11 am

        Hahahaha. yes. Thanks Shakespeare! It’s no wonder so many have such screwy views on relationships.

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      • katie

        katie March 7, 2014, 10:12 am

        and then DRAMZ! end scene.

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      • othy

        othy March 7, 2014, 10:13 am

        And it was a very special love.

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      • avatar

        Matcha March 7, 2014, 12:36 pm

        Look at your life. Look at your choices.

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    • Nookie

      Nookie March 7, 2014, 10:52 am

      Ach not to be ageist but she sounds quite young, she’s probably just caught up in the dramatics of it all.

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    • avatar

      MMcG March 7, 2014, 12:41 pm

      Ha GG… she lost me at “fella”

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      • avatar

        MsMisery March 7, 2014, 1:02 pm

        IKNOW. I thought they were gonna go to a speakeasy at some point…

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  • avatar

    trixy minx March 7, 2014, 9:36 am

    Three months into the relationship and you’ve already been through soo much. Sorry but it’s time to move on.

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  • kare

    kare March 7, 2014, 10:01 am

    Holy fuck. I can’t believe a guy would stay somewhere after being maced. I feel bad for the other girl though. Violence is never the answer. The LW is lucky the girl isn’t pressing charges.

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    • theattack

      theattack March 7, 2014, 1:06 pm

      He was probably scared to leave! He just witnessed his mistress get beaten up and was maced himself. He probably didn’t want to further poke the beast.

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      • avatar

        DesiDad March 7, 2014, 3:10 pm

        Did you have to use “poke,” seriously?!

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  • lemongrass

    lemongrass March 7, 2014, 10:07 am

    LW2: when your actions are the opposite of what you say you sound insincere. Your relationship is so strong but you cheated? No, it’s not strong if you cheated drunk or sober. You’re so against cheating but whoops, you did it anyways? No, you’re not so against it, you’re with it. Figure out how to mean what you say, don’t exaggerate to make things seem better than they are. Whether that means changing the way you describe things or changing your behaviour. PS you shouldn’t have to go through “so much” to be together at 3 months. The first year should be easy!

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  • mylaray

    mylaray March 7, 2014, 10:08 am

    I’m very drained so I don’t have much to say except WWS.

    But I do want to say LW3, despite the crazy situation (which I do think is true) you’ve found yourself in with your boyfriend (and really, listen to Wendy about that!), you mentioned your cousin being murdered. It seemed a little odd you mentioned that and I’m guessing it’s affecting you more than you realize. The grief of murder is unlike any other grief. It’s incredibly traumatic and there is a lot of denial, anger, lashing out, and extreme shock. Knowing that someone caused this harm can leave you with no faith in humanity. You should really, really talk to someone about it if you can. And it’s hard to leave someone while this is happening, but you really, really need to leave him. That situation is fucked up. Maybe it’s something you would have done regardless, but either way, see a therapist, for real.

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  • LlamaPajamas

    LlamaPajamas March 7, 2014, 10:13 am

    LW1: Leave the shy kid alone.
    LW2: You only used 2 extra “o”s in your “sooo much to be together”. If you were really meant to be together you would have used 6+ (e.g., soooooooooooooooo much). I’m not buying it.
    LW3: I’m sorry about your cousin but violence is never the answer. You need a lot of help.

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    • avatar

      ktfran March 7, 2014, 10:33 am

      I’m sooooooooooooooooo happy that i get to wear flats today. For the first time in, I don’t know, five months. That means I’m super, duper, ridiculously happy. Not just sort of happy.

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      • LlamaPajamas

        LlamaPajamas March 7, 2014, 10:44 am

        Right. And I totally believe you! ktfran + flats 4ever

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 7, 2014, 10:57 am

        YES!

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster March 7, 2014, 10:45 am

    So LW3, you enacted a scene from a spoof movie about the worst time to catch your SO cheating? After you maced your SO did you find a Scream mask in the closet? I call BS on this letter.

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    • Guy Friday

      Guy Friday March 7, 2014, 11:18 am

      Amen to that. I’m sorry, but there’s no way the LW would be writing this letter for real, seeing as how jails don’t generally have internet access. Even if this guy cheated, it’s still disorderly conduct, battery (maybe to the boyfriend), aggravated battery (depending on the injuries to the woman), false imprisonment (depending on if she blocked the bathroom door while beating the woman up), and maybe use of a dangerous weapon (if she used the mace more than necessary to have him remove his hands). I don’t care what state you’re in; given all of the circumstances in this scenario, you’re looking at a good chunk of jail time, if not prison.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 11:51 am

        If no one called the cops, she’d totally be free. Also she could be out on bail or something, if the police where involved which I doubt they where.

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      • avatar

        MMcG March 7, 2014, 12:50 pm

        exactly, plus with the info about the cousin being murdered it sounds like a situation where violence in relationships has been normalized – or at least seen as common.

        It isn’t. Don’t blame other women for the actions of your bf. In the future for fuck’s sake just dump the cheater, no need for the mace and potential assault charges.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 1:19 pm

        Yes! Normalization of violence is exactly what I was thinking. And it’s so not ok.

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 March 7, 2014, 1:19 pm

        Normalized violence in relationships scares the everloving bejesus out of me. You can’t fix it after that. I was talking recently to a woman who had been arrested for battery against her husband and she was describing the fight to me and said “we started arguing and it got violent and out of hand, you know how fights get, right?” and I kind of just was like, “uh…no, I don’t know…” I can’t imagine violence being a part of a fight between two people in a functional relationship. She made a comment about how it all started when he annoyed her, so she flicked his lip and in my head I’m going “how is that considered a decent reaction to annoyance?”

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 1:29 pm

        I think you can fix it for some people. While dating my ex, I thought his level of physicality was totally normal. Everyone shakes/shoves their gf because the jello shots are messed up right? Yeah, I’ve learned WAY better now. He unfortunately is the same, based on a crazy series of fb messages from a now ex of his.

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy March 7, 2014, 11:07 am

    LW1: Maybe he just has a small crush on you. Ignore it. It’s not like he’s harassing you or something

    LW2: You sound really young. Relationships should not have a bunch of drama just to start, and now three months in you’ve got even more drama. You know what’s fun? Not having a bunch of drama in your life. MOA

    LW3: While I can appreciate the reason you maced your boyfriend, did it occur to you that the girl he was with maybe didn’t know he was attached and probably didn’t deserve to be beat up and then have to run naked down the street? She wasn’t the one cheating on you, he was. Still, since you’re grieving, I understand you might have just flipped. To come back from one extremely stressful situation to a whole different kind of stressful situation can be way too much sometimes. Still, your boyfriend is an ass. Kick him out. And maybe apologize to the girl he was with.

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  • avatar

    JoanJ March 7, 2014, 11:23 am

    Lw3 sounds like a horrible person. Maybe she and her cheating bf deserve each other, cause someone who reacts like that to ANY situation probably shouldn’t be in a good, trusting relationship at all. Completely lucky the cops weren’t called, because she deserves jail time for that nonsense.

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle March 7, 2014, 11:52 am

    fella?

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    • othy

      othy March 7, 2014, 11:55 am

      Better than boytoy?

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 March 7, 2014, 1:21 pm

        At least they’re not married so it wasn’t DH or Hubby

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      • avatar

        haggith March 7, 2014, 3:59 pm

        grrr why oh why DH or hubby? it’s so easy to write “husband”

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  • avatar

    Ella_ March 7, 2014, 11:57 am

    Why does LW2 keep calling him “her fella?” That is weirding me out. Getting drunk does not equal a free pass to make bad choices and then claim you would never have done that sober. YOU still did it. Just break up and move on. If you have to “deal with so much” to even be together, you don’t deserve an award, you deserve a reality check.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 7, 2014, 12:43 pm

    LW1) Get. Over. Yourself.

    LW2) Right. You’re so against cheating. Funny, I’m against murder but I can drink WITHOUT murdering random party people despite how much I secretly want to do just that.

    LW3) Typical. Blame the person who just fucked your boyfriend AS IF she’s the one who just fucked you over. No wonder you and your cousin were so close — You both can’t pick men for shit. Yeah, beating up the other woman is so bad ass… Oh, and this letter is complete and utter bullshit.

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  • avatar

    AKchic March 7, 2014, 1:40 pm

    LW3: Were this me, I would have beaten my EX-BF, not the girl who may or may not have known that the guy she was banging was attached to someone. You may very well have assaulted an innocent woman. I do hope she presses charges. Then you may be forced into some therapy. Place blame where it lies – at your boyfriend’s feet. And make those feet do some serious walking.

    You own that house. Follow Wendy’s advice and make his ass move out. Get a damned roommate if you can’t pay all of the bills. Its better than being with a cheater.

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  • sobriquet

    Sobriquet March 7, 2014, 2:11 pm

    My almost-SIL stares at me, too. I usually notice it peripherally, but it’s happened a few times while my back was turned and my fiancé has told me later that he noticed her just staring at me. It’s either social awkwardness or she’s plotting to kill me.

    OR it’s a cultural thing? We were out of state last week (SIL’s home state) and noticed people blatantly staring at us everywhere we went. They wouldn’t even look away with eye contact!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 7, 2014, 4:03 pm

      I catch myself staring at people and I’m not plotting murder (usually).

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 7, 2014, 2:58 pm

    It is amazing about how blase or even accepting some people are about LW1 macing her boyfriend. If a guy’s reaction to finding his girlfriend in bed with someone else was to promptly mace her — would it REALLY be so accepted or understood? By anybody? Um, probably not. Why? Because it is a fucking batshit crazy, full-on-psycho thing to do… Talk about sexist. 😉

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    • avatar

      rachel March 7, 2014, 3:09 pm

      Haha, my response in the forums was “If your love life involves mace, you should be single”

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 7, 2014, 3:12 pm

        Haha, yeah I didn’t bother post here in response…but in the forums my reaction was something like violence is never the answer.

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