Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “My FWB Has a Sugar Daddy”

Sugar DaddyIt’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I’m a 49-year-old lady who has been dating a 49-year-old man for 8 months. We are really good together and I love him dearly; however, I’m struggling with his penny-pinching ways. He recently said that we must always split all bills for dining out, movies, etc., and at no time should he have to pay extra. He was so upset when we were out at the club recently and apparently he bought more drinks than I did. Then he asked me to join his family for lunch on Mother’s Day, where he paid for his two adult children and his daughter’s boyfriend while I had to pay for myself. — Not Such a Penny Pincher

 
If you’ve already talked to him about how this bugs you and how you feel when you are all out to dinner and he pays for everyone BUT you — God! — and he says this is how he is and he’s not going to change, you have a choice: you can either accept it or MOA. If you decide to accept him and his penny-pinching, I would suggest creating an account that you each contribute to equally each month to use as “fun money.” (It doesn’t have to be a bank account unless you’re both comfortable with that; it could simply be an envelope of cash you fill monthly). Then, when you go out, use funds from the account to cover the expenses for both you and him. If there are other people in involved, like your boyfriend’s daughter, the person who is closest to them covers the costs.

I’m a male, 23 years of age, with a lot of drive and determination. I just graduated college and it’s hard for me to start my career in radio and the music industry. But at the same time I like this girl, whom I’m not currently with but want to be with in the end. She didn’t finish school, she’s 21, and she found herself a sugar daddy. I feel a little upset with this because I feel I can’t fully give her what she wants, which is financial support. Am I fool for allowing it? Not trying to sound controlling, but at times I don’t see the point in it and I’m afraid I don’t know how long it’s going to last. I don’t know if she’s having sex with him and/or if I’m just being used as a friend with sexual benefits while she gets money from another man. I’m confused. — Not Her Sugar Daddy

 
Since you are an ambitious 23-year-old single guy who just graduated from college, one of the last things you need to be worrying about right now is how to financially support some girl you aren’t even dating who can’t figure out how/doesn’t want to take care of herself. There are other young women who would be thrilled to date you as you are now, with little money, just as there will be women down the road when you are more financially set and more interested in settling down with someone. If you don’t want to have sex with someone who is being financially supported by another man (whom she’s probably sleeping with), stop having sex with this woman. And if you don’t stop, be sure to use protection!

When my husband was flicking through channels the other day, one of those adult chat things came up and I immediately thought, “I bet he’d love to have sex with her/ she’s sexier than I am” and I accused him of watching it all the time. I also check what he’s been looking at on YouTube, almost to punish myself; it’s never anything bad, but, if it’s a music video with a woman in it, I quickly say sarcastically, “Oh, right, do you like listening to that, or is it just her you want to see?” I feel sick thinking of my husband looking at other women. Please, can you advise me? — Sick

 
Like any straight man, your husband probably DOES enjoy looking at other women. That doesn’t mean he wants to or would sleep with any of them, and it certainly doesn’t mean that everything he does is dictated by some desire to see naked chicks. You need to stop berating your husband for some offense he hasn’t committed against you or you’re going to drive him away. Fast.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

95 comments… add one
  • lemongrass

    lemongrass June 6, 2014, 9:28 am

    Lw1: stop being so controlling! It’s his money, he’s not sharing and you have no say in what he spends it on.
    Lw2: stop being so controlling! You’re not even dating her, what makes you think she needs your permission to date someone? It is none of your business who she sees.
    Lw3: stop being so controlling! Get some therapy for your serious self esteem issues. Your behaviour is bordering on emotional abuse and if your husband wrote in I would be telling him to not put up with your shit. Get it together before he leaves you and does sleep with another woman.

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    • avatar

      MissyC June 6, 2014, 9:43 am

      For LW1 I agree that it’s his money and if he wants to split dates, hey that’s cool. He was upfront about that with her. But going out to lunch with the family and paying for everyone’s meal except for your girlfriend’s? I feel like that was kind of a jerk move.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass June 6, 2014, 9:44 am

        Except that it’s his children.

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki June 6, 2014, 9:54 am

        It was his children plus one of his children’s boyfriends. I agree that it’s his money and he’s upfront about not wanting to “share” but if I’m invited to a special dinner with my SO’s family and he pays for himself, his kids AND one of his kid’s boyfriend/girlfriend but not me, I’d be kind of annoyed too. It makes me cringe a bit just thinking of the idea of “I will never spend more ever, period, the end!” I have to wonder how gifts work in this relationship. But maybe that’s just me being nosey.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass June 6, 2014, 9:57 am

        Depending on how his family works he may see his daughters boyfriend as his kid too, that’s how my inlaws work. Personally I would never date someone who nickels and dimes like that, it would be incredibly annoying to me. But he has stated that this isn’t going to change so the lw either needs to accept it or leave him because he isn’t changing.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 10:07 am

        This guy must have no shame, imo. What happened when the bill came? Oh, Nancy, yours was $26.99. Everyone else, its on me!

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      • Lady_Red

        Red_Lady June 6, 2014, 11:08 am

        But if he sees his daughter’s bf as “family” shouldn’t he see his own girlfriend as “family” too?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 11:15 am

        I see your point but the bf could have been around for 15 years and the LW only a few months.

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      • avatar

        bcamber June 6, 2014, 12:55 pm

        IMO its rude to pay for everyone except one person, regardless of the relationships. Talk abut putting the GF in an awkward position. Plus, HE invited her!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 12:57 pm

        Totally agree with all of that!

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      • katie

        katie June 6, 2014, 10:08 am

        well i have to wonder though, why would his behavior and/or the circumstances change their agreement? they split 50/50. the LW says nothing about them talking about any other agreement or “special cases” or anything, so its just 50/50. why does him paying for other people, or the fact that its a family dinner mean that all of a sudden their agreement wouldnt happen?

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki June 6, 2014, 11:29 am

        I think I’m basing my thoughts on it in my own worldview, which is extremely inefficient which is why I would find myself annoyed in the LW’s shoes. I think in our society (or at least mine) this specific dinner that is with his family that he invited her to would traditionally not be handled the way it was handled, so I guess my opinions are shaped based on that. Honestly, this obviously bugs the LW so I think she should just MOA. If it’s never going to change and she’s obviously not ok with it (and finances are a HUGE cause of relationship issues anyway) then she needs to move on.

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    • avatar

      Lily in NYC June 6, 2014, 9:55 am

      I never expect guys to pay for me when we go out and I always split 50-50 when I’m in a relationship. However, this dude seems to be nickel-and-diming her, which is annoying as heck. I don’t see this as a control issue at all. Getting upset in a bar because he bought more drinks and paying for his kids but not her tells me that this is way more about him than her

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass June 6, 2014, 9:58 am

        I’m not saying that he is a great guy or that she should stay, I certainly wouldn’t. But he has made it clear that this is how he is and the lw wants to change him- that is controlling. She needs to accept him or leave.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 11:15 am

        I don’t think its controlling because she isn’t saying to him that he should be doing X. She’s just telling us that its weird.

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    • Lyra

      Lyra June 6, 2014, 10:09 am

      I can kind of see where you’re coming from for LW1, but it is such a jerk move to pay for EVERYONE besides your girlfriend. That’s awkward and tacky. Can you imagine how that went down when paying the check? Yikes. Especially since the daughter’s boyfriend was with too and he covered that.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass June 6, 2014, 10:31 am

        Oh yes, it is tacky. It must have been incredibly awkward and embarrassing. So why does she want to stay with him? He has already said “at no time should he have to pay extra.” I would leave him. I wouldn’t even be friends with him.

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    • avatar

      Sara June 6, 2014, 10:34 am

      I think that it’s one thing to accept that you are dating a penny-pincher, but LW1 isn’t dating an “all-around” penny-pincher (he paid for his adult children and his adult daughter’s boyfriend). LW1 is dating someone who feels the need to penny-pinch in his relationship with her but not in other relationships that are important to him. Yes, their agreement was 50/50 – but this isn’t how he acts in all his relationships. I can understand why that might come off as him valuing other relationships – like the one he has with his daughter’s adult bf – more than his relationship with LW1. And I think if it were just his children that he had payed for, this would come off much differently.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass June 6, 2014, 10:41 am

        I’m not defending his behaviour. I just don’t see the point in trying to change someone’s behaviour when they explicitly told you what they were going to do (in NO circumstances will I pay extra for you) and then followed through. Why is she surprised? I just don’t think that she should stay and try to change him.

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      • avatar

        Sara June 6, 2014, 11:04 am

        I agree with you: he said this is how he was approaching monetary issues in this relationship and he followed through. And she shouldn’t try to stay and try to change him. I was trying to address the “why is she surprised?” piece by saying that I, personally, found it somewhat surprising that it is only his relationship with her – and not other “non-family members” like the daughter’s bf – that he treats this way. The inconsistency of his miserly ways surprised me: he is willing to treat non-family member A but not non-family member B. I wasn’t suggesting that you were defending him – only trying to point out a piece that was surprising to me.

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      • katie

        katie June 6, 2014, 1:13 pm

        i actually dont think that is weird at all, if the LW makes it the hill she wants to die on, of course that is her perogative… but many, many adult children’s parents still foot the bill for them, and for friends/girlfriends/boyfriends/ect when they go out together. right or wrong, i dunno, but its super common.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 1:19 pm

        That’s true. If I go out with my dad, he’s paying unless its his birthday or we sneak our card to the waiter when he’s not looking. However, if I had a friend he never met tag along to a dinner, he’d of course pay for that person since he’s paying for the entire rest of the table. Its so strange to me to exclude ONE person.

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      • theattack

        theattack June 6, 2014, 1:32 pm

        It’s not that he pays for his adult children. You’re right. That is super common. LBH got it, I think. It’s weird to exclude ONE person in a group from payment. If there had been another person there who also paid for herself, it wouldn’t be that inconceivable. It almost seems like exclusion from a group the way it happened, in addition to the nickel and diming her. Almost like he went out of his way to nickel and dime her, when probably almost every other couple who splits money 50/50 would have just paid for it all together at the restaurant in this scenario, and then worked out repayment later.

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    • possumgirl

      possumgirl June 6, 2014, 4:11 pm

      I do not understand why are you being downvoted! (although I totes disagree with your on LW1) However, your response to LW3 is SPOT ON. All men think about other women! Being jealous of a person on tv (TV!) is ridiculous. If you keep punishing your husband for something he’s NOT doing wrong, then you’re creating a situation where it doesn’t matter if he’s doing the right thing or not. Bad, bad, bad. For both of you. Do see a therapist. Jealousy will eat a person’s soul. Trust me, I’ve been there.

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  • avatar

    joanna June 6, 2014, 9:33 am

    Well I guess we’re on the train to crazytown.

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  • Miss MJ

    Miss MJ June 6, 2014, 9:43 am

    Who says romance isn’t dead? Face. Palm.

    LW1: This type of extreme nickel and dime-ing with money would drive me nuts. I like Wendy’s suggestion, but don’t be surprised if your BF keeps a running talley of who “got” what out of the combined fund.

    LW2: So, the girl you’re sleeping with is also sleeping with someone else solely because he can buy her nice things and and you can’t, and she’s decided that she just wants a man to pay her way and it doesn’t really matter who? MOA; people like this will crush your soul.

    LW3: There’s a simple solution to your problem: blindfold your husband at all times and only let him take the blindfold off when there is no chance any woman can so much as cross his line of vision. Or, you know, go see someone about your extreme overreaction to the fact that other women exist and your husband will inevitably and unavoidably see some of them.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh June 6, 2014, 9:44 am

    I can understand deciding to split everything 50/50. But, I’d be upset if when we went out and maybe lost track (I would think easy to do) my date then got upset about the number of drinks we each bought. I would definitely not be able to handle that much accounting. And personally I would also probably pay for someone who I invited to join a family lunch, I guess the expectation is there because of the decided 50/50 but I would get tired of never being treated or being able to treat the other person. And since he probably isn’t going to change and you can’t handle the way you split money now, I would say it’s probably not worth staying.

    And LW3 I would definitely advice you to think about what you’re saying. Any time he sees another woman he compares her to you? No, that’s what you might do. But, I highly doubt he thinks anything other than, she’s hot. Unless you want to be able to control his thoughts, you’re going to need to let these personal issues you have go. What is an adult chat thing? Like a commercial? Or is this a tv show? Because, if it’s a commercial he probably does watch it all the time. But, it’s not like he has control over the commercials being shown?

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh June 6, 2014, 9:45 am

      goodness i really can spell….

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh June 6, 2014, 10:45 am

      so i just reread this and it says ‘recently’ he decided he wanted to do 50/50. what happened before? did he pay all the time or did you split paying for each other?

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  • katie

    katie June 6, 2014, 9:55 am

    LW1, accept it or MOA. thats all you can do. but regardless, its not your money, even remotely, so i really dont get commenting and/or caring how he spends it.
    .
    LW2, just trust that people who think that way are shitty people. trust that. find yourself someone who takes responsibility of themselves.
    .
    LW3, you have severe issues, and probably need to do some therapy. your thoughts are not normal in the slightest, and you will ruin your relationship if you dont get help.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 10:09 am

      I agree that its his money, etc., but to actually get mad/upset when you bought one drink extra because your girlfriend wasn’t keeping a list while out having fun? Holy fuck.

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      • katie

        katie June 6, 2014, 10:13 am

        oh i agree- i couldnt take this guy at all, that is not how i operate in the slightest. BUT they dont have combined finances, and i feel like the LW is acting like they should? like she *should* get a say? that i dont get. to me this is one of those all or nothing things- you are either combined, in thoughts or literally with bank accounts, and you get a say in how the money is spent, or you are not combined and get zero say.

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      • avatar

        ktfran June 6, 2014, 10:15 am

        This is true, which is why she should MOA.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 10:19 am

        Idk, I think I disagree. Thinking this guy is acting like a jerkoff about the 2 examples she gave doesn’t mean she feels their finances should be combined or have a say. I’m big on 50/50 and following it somewhat strictly if that’s how you like it, but this is so over the top and just rude I think. To me it extends beyond the 50/50 concept.

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      • katie

        katie June 6, 2014, 10:25 am

        no, she is upset about him paying for his kids – “where he paid for his two adult children and his daughter’s boyfriend while I had to pay for myself” – I mean that much is obvious right? she wanted him to act differently with his money in that situation, which is weird. she doesnt get a say. he is still a jerk, and over the top and rude and whatever else, but she still doesnt get a say.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh June 6, 2014, 10:29 am

        i think you can be upset and still not think you get a say. like maybe in that moment she finally realized this guy is serious about this 50/50 thing. it’s never going to change (which he said, but sometimes you have to see it in action to get it?). she doesn’t get to say how he spends his money. but, i can imagine sitting there thinking wow, he’s never going to treat me to a meal. and i guess this will always be a problem.

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass June 6, 2014, 10:32 am

        So leave him.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh June 6, 2014, 10:39 am

        i mean i would. i wouldn’t date anyone like that in the first place. but, i can imagine being extremely taken aback by his behavior and if this was the only ‘issue’, asking others if it was me or if they were put off by it as well.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 10:39 am

        You are no nonsense today! I like it.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 11:17 am

        Yea, but she’s still not asking for a say. She’s just saying its weird, which it is. Complaining about how weird it is isn’t the same as saying she wants a say in his $.

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      • avatar

        bcamber June 6, 2014, 12:59 pm

        no, she’s acting like she doesn’t want him to be a rude asshole.

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      • avatar

        ktfran June 6, 2014, 10:14 am

        Right? This guy is a little extreme and I definitely wouldn’t date someone like that. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even be friends with someone like that. Not pretty sure. I’m certain.
        .
        I wonder how he feels when the bill is, IDK, $53.97 and someone has to pay $26.98 and the other $26.99. OH MY GOD, I PAID ONE MORE CENT THAN YOU!

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      • Miss MJ

        Miss MJ June 6, 2014, 10:17 am

        You have to alternate and he has a note about who paid the extra cent the last time.

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      • avatar

        ktfran June 6, 2014, 10:22 am

        Haha. Perfect! Or break it out in the tip. You leave 5.01 and I’ll leave 4.99?

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      • Miss MJ

        Miss MJ June 6, 2014, 10:29 am

        Oh, gosh, the tip! I bet that’s a nightmare, too.

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      • avatar

        bethany June 6, 2014, 10:48 am

        Uugh, that happened last night! I paid 1 cent more than my friend at dinner! She’s going to have to cover that next time!

        (joking!! Actually that did happen, but obviously I don’t care!)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 10:54 am

        You need to stop letting your friends take advantage of you.

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      • avatar

        ktfran June 6, 2014, 10:56 am

        Seriously. Bethany, you need to find new friends. STAT.

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      • Amanda

        Amanda June 6, 2014, 10:14 am

        That’s what stood out to me too. And, I’m assuming based on the other details, he bought more drinks because he drank more. What the hell?

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 10:05 am

    LW1 – This guy seems…obsessive? I get wanting 50/50 and all that, but to this degree seems crazy and obsessive, like he’s trying to drive to point home. I’d MOA.
    .
    LW2 – What stood out to me was you saying this is who I want to be with…”in the end.” I think you’re in a little fairytale here. Where/when is “the end?” I can pretty much assure you this won’t be the person you spend your entire life with.

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    • LlamaPajamas

      LlamaPajamas June 6, 2014, 10:47 am

      Yeah, I read LW2’s problem as “I really like this woman and even though we’re not exclusive I want her to be mine eventually so I want her to stop benefitting from her relationships with other men. How can I make her stop dating a guy I’m going to refer to as her “sugar daddy” so she seems really shallow, while making sure I sound like the nice guy in this situation?”

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      • katie

        katie June 6, 2014, 10:49 am

        ohhhh good point. i just believed him… damn it…

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      • avatar

        ele4phant June 6, 2014, 1:29 pm

        Would it even matter if he was being 100% truthful about her behavior? Sure, I personally find the sugar daddy situations gross, but she’s an adult and she gets to make her own choices. And she and the LW aren’t in an exclusive relationship, so what I or you or he thinks about the situation doesn’t matter.

        The only think he can control is whether or not her decisions make him rethink whether or not she’s someone he wants to be in a relationship with, not whether or not he can “allow” her to do it.

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      • katie

        katie June 6, 2014, 2:01 pm

        oh i was talking more about the LW painting himself as the “nice guy” in the situation. like i just believed him about his version/side of the story, when really we always have to question if the LW’s are reliable narrators or not. i didnt. i was too tired.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery June 6, 2014, 12:54 pm

        Agreed. Even if she IS in a sugar-daddy relationship, I say good for her. LW2 sounds jealous b/c he’s not financially stable at the moment and he’s not with the girl he wants to be with, so he’s slut shaming.

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  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes June 6, 2014, 10:06 am

    Needy Friday anyone?

    LWs- life is not a reality TV show and it definitely is not a rom-com. You deal with stuff or you dont. The knight in shining armor embodied by Ryan Gosling or Zach-Cutie-Patootie-Effron-or-Whatever is not going to save you in the end, or in LW2’s case, the girl is not one day going to wake up and dump her Sugar Daddy because you are MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOREVERRRRRRR. The end.

    Phooey.

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy June 6, 2014, 10:06 am

    LW1: personally I’ve always hated the strict 50/50 split. I like to be treated sometimes and I like to treat sometimes and with friends and boyfriends I’ve always been of the mind that it’ll balance in the end.
    He’s probably not going to change, so if it’s that frustrating, moa

    LW2: you can’t dictate who your fwb sleeps with, or why. You’re clearly not okay with it, and you seem to have stronger feelings for her than she has for you, so moa

    LW3: go get some therapy, and in the meantime, try not to burden your husband with your self esteem issues

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  • avatar

    bethany June 6, 2014, 10:44 am

    WTF is with LW2? He says he’s not even with this girl, yet he’s asking if he should ALLOW her to have a sugar daddy? Umm, newsflash, she can do whatever she wants, asshole.

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    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyinPurpleNotRed June 6, 2014, 10:45 am

      WBS

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    • LlamaPajamas

      LlamaPajamas June 6, 2014, 10:53 am

      Yeah, this really bothered me. If you don’t want to sound controlling, don’t freaking ask if you should allow a woman you’re not even dating to do something.

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    • avatar

      ktfran June 6, 2014, 10:57 am

      Hahaha. Asshole. I don’t know why that made me chuckle this morning, but it did.

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    • Lady_Red

      Red_Lady June 6, 2014, 11:22 am

      Yeah, he sounds pretty creepy to me. He should be more worried about finding a job, not supporting some girl that’s not even his girlfriend. Seriously, who thinks that way at 23? If you think the girl won’t like you unless you are financially secure enough to support her, she’s not worth it.

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  • LadyinPurpleNotRed

    LadyinPurpleNotRed June 6, 2014, 10:46 am

    I can’t with LW3…seriously? If you can’t handle other women existing, you can’t handle being in a relationship, let alone a marriage.

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  • lemongrass

    lemongrass June 6, 2014, 10:59 am

    I think I’m missing something with lw2- where does it say that he’s sleeping with her? All I see is that he likes her and wants to be with her “in the end” whatever that means.

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    • Miss MJ

      Miss MJ June 6, 2014, 11:01 am

      He later says he’s not sure if he is “a friend with sexual benefits.”

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      • lemongrass

        lemongrass June 6, 2014, 11:12 am

        I completely missed that both times I read it.

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      • othy

        othy June 6, 2014, 12:32 pm

        I had to read it about 4 times before I finally picked up on that part.

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  • avatar

    Vathena June 6, 2014, 11:13 am

    50/50 guy – I love that he ordered more drinks and got upset that he had to pay more. “Unfair!! You MUST order two additional apple-tinis!!!” What? Reminds me of that episode of “Friends” where Joey orders his teeny-tiny pizza and the friends who got steaks and lobster want to split the bill.
    I think it’s a trust issue. He doesn’t trust her not to take advantage of him. For me, that would be a dealbreaker.

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    • avatar

      Vathena June 6, 2014, 11:23 am

      …although re-reading it, I suppose that *he* could be trying to take advantage of *her* by saying that “at no time should he pay extra” regardless of what he orders. Still a dealbreaker.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. June 6, 2014, 12:21 pm

      Seriously. This is especially true of one party orders an alcoholic drink and the other doesn’t. That s***’s expensive! Normally, I’m an It-all-works-out-in-the-end kind of girl, but I do get bent out of shape if someone orders an expensive bottle of wine and expects me to pay for it, when I ordered an Arnold Palmer.

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      • avatar

        ktfran June 6, 2014, 12:26 pm

        I agree that those kinds of things should be taken into account when paying the bill. Let’s say I’m out and order an extra cocktail or something…. I often find it easier to just leave the entire tip then nickle and dime the splitting of the check.
        .
        So, for instance, last night I was out with a work friend. We took a cab to the bar and live close to one another so were going to share a cab home. I had zero cash on me. ZERO. Anyway, he picked up cabs both ways, but I felt bad, so I made him let me leave the tip on our bill. I still made out a little, but there are other times where I pick up the cab, or whatever.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. June 6, 2014, 2:10 pm

        But it all works out in the end. I spent the weekend with a friend of mine and we went out to dinner one day and breakfast the next. I bought dinner, he bought breakfast. The amounts were not equal, but we didn’t care. I agree with Valthena that it seems to be a trust issue.

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      • avatar

        ktfran June 6, 2014, 2:20 pm

        It does work out in the end. I usually don’t worry about it, unless I have a friend who always tries to get away with paying less. Then I say something.

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      • avatar

        snoopy128 June 6, 2014, 2:33 pm

        Oooh I had a friend “P” who was like this.

        This one time another friend, “M” brought back rum from cuba (where she paid $3) for it. “P” forgot to bring something to drink one night and asked to borrow some of “M”‘s rum, telling her she’d pay her back. Well “P” drink 1/3 of the bottle…then offered “M” $1. Super cheap since she should be paying the price it would take “M” to replace what she drank.

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        snoopy128 June 6, 2014, 2:37 pm

        oops. I meant to say, I do not split anything with this friend anymore. She would totally be the type to buy more expensive stuff/drinks at dinner, then suggest we split the bill, THEN stiff the waitress on the tip, leaving us to cover it.

        Thank god she’s grown out of most of that bulls**t

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    • avatar

      rachel June 6, 2014, 12:52 pm

      I thought that was weird too, but then I thought, maybe they were taking turns getting rounds and he got one more than her or something. Which is ALSO weird to me, but…slightly less so?

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        Vathena June 6, 2014, 12:59 pm

        OHHH. That would make perfect sense, then. I bet that’s it. But yeah, it’s still weird.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 6, 2014, 1:03 pm

        So easy fix here: LW, just order the next round, even though you don’t want it, and pour your’s down the drain. You gotta keep it fair.

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      • avatar

        Vathena June 6, 2014, 1:17 pm

        Or make him drink them both.

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  • avatar

    Kicia June 6, 2014, 11:16 am

    LW3, I’ve heard acid attacks are a good way to remove someone’s eye sight. Or you could go the old fashioned way of simple eye gouging. Then your husband will never look at another woman again! Problem solved!
    .
    (fyi, just kidding. please don’t blind your husband)

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    • avatar

      MsMisery June 6, 2014, 12:58 pm

      I can just picture the husband coming to visit this woman in the All Female State Pen after she finally loses her $#it. ARE YOU LOOKING AT THE OTHER INMATES?!?! DID YOU ENJOY THE FRISKING YOU GOT TO GET IN HERE?!

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  • avatar

    Ele4phant June 6, 2014, 11:50 am

    Lw2, she’s a person not an object you can call for later – maybe – but only if she stays nice and clean. She’s an adult who you aren’t even in a relationship with so she can do whatever or whomever she wants no matter what you think.

    Perhaps her actions make you assess whether or not she’s who you thought she was or if she has values that align with yours and if that ultimately means she’s compatible with you – but that’s not what you asked. You asked if you should “allow” her to do what she wants to do.

    Ugh, I feel so creeped out.

    And btw – if she interested in having a long term mutually exclusive relationship with *you* down the road, or do her opinions not factor in for you?

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  • theattack

    theattack June 6, 2014, 11:51 am

    LW1: If you stay with this man, he will probably never treat you to anything in your entire relationship. If you’re nauseous and need a Sprite, he’ll make you open your wallet while you’re puking. That works for some people, but probably not very many. Clearly you don’t like it, and I think this isn’t an issue that the unhappy person can just get over. He doesn’t sound very generous, which would be a dealbreaker for me.
    .
    I am VERY curious what your money arrangements used to be though. It sounds like this is a new development, and I can see where he’s coming from if he feels like you were taking advantage of him before. Were you willing to pay for his stuff before the change? Did you expect him to pay more than you did in the grand scheme of things? Did you always end up going to expensive places when it was his turn to pay and Burger King when it was your turn? I’m not accusing you of any of those things, but I could see where he’s coming from if any of those things happened. If this new development isn’t a reaction in self-preservation, then I think you need to chalk this up to a major incompatibility and MOA.

    LW2: MOA and find someone who wants you for who you are.

    LW3: Please don’t punish your husband unfairly for your own emotional troubles. Seek therapy for yourself, and after processing some of your own things, seek marriage counseling from an actual therapist.

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    • avatar

      ktfran June 6, 2014, 12:28 pm

      In regards to LW 1, I was actually picturing this guy going through a nasty divorce and that’s why he is the way he is with his money. I still personally wouldn’t put up with it, but it could be another reason he is the way he is.

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  • avatar

    Ele4phant June 6, 2014, 12:28 pm

    Gotta say I’m kind of disappointed with Wendy’s response to lw2 – she let him be the nice guy to who he painted as a shallow gold digger. Sure I’m a little squeaked out by women (or men) who’ll use sex to get supported – but he asked if he has a right to control an adult woman he’s not even dating.

    Seems like a pretty clear call for a smack down to me…

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    • avatar

      Nina June 6, 2014, 12:35 pm

      That’s what I thought too! Just because you’re the nice guy who does everything ‘right’ doesn’t mean you deserve to get the girl or that you’re owed anything.

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    • avatar

      bethany June 6, 2014, 12:45 pm

      Me too. I called him out above, but I’m a little surprised that more people didn’t pick up on that. Dude sounds like a creep, if you ask me.

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    • theattack

      theattack June 6, 2014, 1:26 pm

      I already said this, but my comment must have gotten lost in space. When I read “allowing,” I didn’t think he meant that he was trying to control her actions. I assumed he meant allowing the situation he was in to continue, and the logical thing to change would be his involvement in the situation. Maybe I’m naive though.

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      • avatar

        bethany June 6, 2014, 1:30 pm

        I could see that. I’d certainly hope that’s what he meant, vs how we took it!

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        ele4phant June 6, 2014, 1:33 pm

        I don’t think that would have been an unreasonable interpretation if he hadn’t followed up with “Not trying to sound controlling…”. Which to me says he wants to control someone elses actions (ie hers) and not his own decisions about whether or not he wants to stay in the situation.

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      • theattack

        theattack June 6, 2014, 1:35 pm

        That’s true. Really good point. But then he also says “at times I don’t see the point in it,” which I assume refers to his situation rather than the woman’s relationship with the other man.
        .
        Now I’ve just confused myself, and I don’t know what to believe anymore.

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        ele4phant June 6, 2014, 1:44 pm

        I also find it odd that he doesn’t mention at all whether or not she wants a relationship with him some day. I would assume if she’s casually dating at least two people, she’s not so into the idea. I mean, he barely even mentions that their even in a FWB situation.

        Which adds more confirmation to my theory that he doesn’t care about what she wants or thinks, it’s all about him getting what he wants.

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      • theattack

        theattack June 6, 2014, 1:53 pm

        Also a really great point. That was definitely odd that he didnt mention any feelings or statements from her to him. I’m trying to err on the side of normalcy for LW2, but there are some breadcrumbs that smell moldy with crazy.

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      • katie

        katie June 6, 2014, 1:57 pm

        this was what i originally thought too, so im also confused now!

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  • avatar

    jbk886 June 6, 2014, 12:30 pm

    LW3: Jealousy is a choice. You are choosing to fixate on other women and to devote your thoughts and energy to question whether your husband finds them attractive. Stop it. You can and absolutely should break this pattern of thought, because right now all it is doing is making both you and your husband completely miserable. You may say “but this is just how I feel, and I can’t help how I feel.” That’s not entirely true. You do have some control over your feelings and what you think about. Next time you catch yourself wondering about a woman in a music video or a woman who is walking by at the pool, stop. Don’t let yourself complete that thought. Distract yourself with something else – listen to some music, do another task, read a book, think about your to-do list or something that will make you happy. If you make a conscious effort at reducing the amount of time you spend thinking about how your husband sees other women, you will be able to be a happier, less jealous person. Try it for at least a week. If you can’t manage it on your own, spend some time in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for guidance and support. Keeping this up will ruin your life.

    Reply Link

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