It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I have just found out that my husband of 23 years was having an emotional affair with someone he met online. I always said that if he cheated I was out the door. Well, I haven’t left yet. Does this make me a hypocrite for wanting to work it out? We go for our first counseling session this week. — Hypocrite?
No, it makes you human. After 23 years of marriage, it would be a little crazy to MOA — over an online emotional affair, no less — before trying to work on your relationship first.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 20 months now, and I love him. He’s everything a girl could want — loyal, kind — and we have great fun together. We are due to move in together in the next couple of months, but I’m worried as recently I’ve been looking at other men and having fantasies. I’m starting to worry that it means I’m wanting to be single. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never moved in with someone before and it’s a big commitment, but I’m freaking myself out. I guess also despite having a good sex life, I’ve never felt as much lust and wanting for him as I have with some other boyfriends, and maybe part of me misses that. The difference being that those other relationships didn’t last long and I can see this one going a long way. I guess I’m just confused about why I’m having these thoughts and how I can make them stop. Please help! — Having Fantasies
Read this. And then be proactive in spicing up your sex life and creating some of the passion you feel is missing. And hold up on moving in together if you’re feeling uncertain. What’s the rush? Slow down and wait until all the aspects of your relationship are fulfilling.
This year, on my first Sunday back to church, I ran into an old church friend. She welcomed me back and told me her friend has been asking about me. I asked her who, and, when she said the name, I almost fainted. Come to find out it’s a guy that I was dating at 17 (I’m 24 now). He was the guy I have had the strongest bond with, but we ended up losing touch, and I’ve been looking for him for years. I gave up in 2010 because I found out he had moved to Georgia, but in 2011 I slept with his pictures under my pillow, and in 2012 I put his picture in my living room as decoration. Now, as of January of 2013, we are back in touch. I never thought I’d see him again. Anyhow, he is in Texas, and I’m in Pennsylvania. We talked over the phone and caught up, he booked me a flight to see him, I went, and few days later we made it official. I’m moving down there. Everyone thinks I’m moving too fast. I gave up my job and apartment and shipped half my stuff over there already. I keep getting cold feet. I think I may have ruined my life. I move next week, and I’m left with no choice but to go. Ugh! What do you think? — Fast Mover
I think it’s a good thing very few decisions in life are irreversible and that you still have the option to cancel your plans, ship your stuff back, try to get back your apartment and job — or find new ones — and slow things down until you know each other better. Or, go to Texas for a trial run, give it a few months, and move back if things don’t work out. This doesn’t have to be forever and you’re being overly dramatic to say that a move a few states away will “ruin your life.”
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].