It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I want to hire someone to clean our house. It is well within our budget. Currently, I do all of our cleaning while at the same time multi-tasking in the care of our toddler and my legal work. It’s stressful, and I can make enough to pay for three to four hours of house cleaning with one hour of my legal work. My husband does not help me clean, and he is quite messy. I told him I want to have someone clean our house and that I was getting estimates. He kind of flipped out, giving me a hard “NO,” as he “doesn’t want anyone in our house.”
My husband’s dislike of having anyone in the house is a paranoia everyone in his family shares. They grew up in the woods and had few family friends, mostly associating with family, largely distrusting of “outsiders.” They are great people, they just have some quirks in this area. I am well-versed in doing background checks and am not worried about hiring someone creepy.
I don’t want to go behind my husband’s back and secretly hire someone. However, I feel like expecting me to do all the cleaning, and also telling me he won’t help, and that I cannot seek help, is simply not fair. I just want to reduce my stress, and maximize my time and attention to our son. — Needing Help
Tell him that since you are run down and burned-out on juggling child care, part-time work, and full-time domestic chores that he won’t lift a finger to help with (fuck that noise, by the way) and you don’t share his paranoia with having a cleaning person in your house, you will get a house of your own for you and your toddler that you’ll have the freedom to pay someone to clean. If he doesn’t like that option, he can either pick up a mop and start helping you out, or he can get over himself and let you outsource some of the cleaning, which is a small price to pay to preserve your sanity and energy.
It means he wants you to be only his sexual object and not his friends’ sexual object. It does not mean he cares about you, wants a relationship with you, respects you, or even likes you. If you have any interest in being more than someone’s notch on a bedpost, I’d MOA and aim higher next time.
Yes, both of you sound a little crazy-pants. You seriously want him to skip his friend’s wedding because you’ve decided not to buy a new outfit for it? And he seriously doesn’t want you to ever hang out with your girlfriends? This is deeply troubling and unhealthy. Go to the wedding. Wearing an old outfit or a casual outfit is better than skipping the festivities and demanding your boyfriend skip them, too. And stop blowing off your friends to stay home with your boyfriend or you won’t have friends much longer. I would suggest pre-marital counseling in order to work out a more appropriate response to social obligations and invites that allows you both to continue enjoying relationships/friendships and to continue maintaining support networks outside what you have with your fiancé.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.