It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I have been dating a married man since last year October. He was all sweet and caring, calling and texting everyday. I was living with my auntie then but wanted to move. Within my budget, I was moving into a small house. He asked me to move to a bigger one in which he would support me. I did move last month and, when end of the month came, I asked for the rent twice. He sent it, but he hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s been two weeks now and he usually never goes for more than two days without communicating. Did I appear needy? What pushed him away? — Dating a Married Man
On behalf of all women who have had their partners cheat on them with women who knew the men were emotionally and physically unavailable, you’re a disgrace. That money your sleaze-bag boyfriend spent on your rent? That belongs to his wife. How do you even sleep at night in your big home that is paid for with another woman’s money? (and do they have kids? Because if that do, that money should be going toward summer camp, piano classes, and college tuition — not your rent.) Move out and move on already. This guy is not yours to even cry over.
My partner of over twenty-four years has taken to going off on the weekends and returning on a Monday evening. He usually sends a text to say he is working late on Friday and then doesn’t turn up again until Monday. He claims he doesn’t need to tell me where he is as he’s an adult. This has been happening since August 2015. I have asked him to leave on numerous occasions, but he refuses, saying this is his home. This is making me miserable, and I feel his behavior is unacceptable and unfair. If I text or call, he doesn’t reply or answer, frustrating me more. He can’t want to be with me as we don’t do anything together at all and we have no signs of love or affection between us. Why won’t he go and why won’t he be honest with me as to where and with whom he stays? What can I do with someone who won’t respond apart from saying he’s not moving out? — No Signs of Love or Affection
If you’re married, get thee to a divorce attorney asap. If you’re not married, you should move out one weekend when he’s MIA. Or, if his name isn’t on the lease, you can throw his crap outside and change the locks. If his name is on the lease or you own a home together, talk to a lawyer about what recourse you have. But, clearly, on a strictly emotional level, this relationship is over. All that is left to do is make sure you’ve got your legal and financial ducks in a row for the final phase of this break-up. He’s been avoiding you and avoiding moving out because he’s afraid of the financial loss he’ll have in your break-up.
I am having a problem with my ex and my friends. We broke up because he was cheating on me, and now my friends are going out with him and his new girl and I don’t feel comfortable with it. I know I can’t say anything to them because it’s not my place to tell anyone who they can hang out with, but I’m hurt and don’t know what to do. I really want to stop being friends with these people although I know it’s probably because I feel insecure and jealous. What should I do? — Jealous and Insecure
It may not be “your place” to tell people who they can and cannot hang out with, but you sure as shit can say it hurts your feelings that your friends would hang out with the guy who cheated on you and the girl he cheated with. Whether they care about your feelings or not is another matter and may help you determine whether you want to continue being friends with them.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.