Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “Oops, I Accidentally Showed My Husband’s Friend a Revealing Photo of Me”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

My husband and I have been together for ten years and this mutual guy friend has been around for the majority of that time. As I was showing him a picture on my phone recently, he by accident saw a revealing picture that I took for my husband. He told me I looked good because I’ve lost like 60 lbs. Later, he told me I looked hot in the photo and he had to go sit down after seeing it. He also said that, since I have his number, I could send him the photo (not happening). Do you think he thinks about that photo? Or thinks about my body? — Revealing Photo Fail


Uh, duh. I hope if you haven’t already, you’ll delete the revealing photo from your phone. I’d also suggest losing this guy’s number and explaining to your husband you are uncomfortable remaining friends with him since he has a clear lack of respect of personal boundaries. (For the record, the appropriate response to seeing a photo he should not have seen would be to never speak of it again, NOT to ask you to send more to his personal number).

I made my husband some cute, but not totally nude, pictures of myself for Valentine’s Day and put them in his truck — like one he sees on his viser when he pulls it down, one on his steering wheel, one for when he opens his glove compartment, one in his cup holder — along with cute “thinking of you and waiting for tonight” type notes. He got mad and called me selfish and conceited! Why would he do that? — Cute But Not Totally Nude

 
Maybe he wasn’t the only one to see these cute but not totally nude photos of you that you placed in easy-to-find spots in his truck. Maybe a friend (or two or three) saw them and teased him or made some other inappropriate remarks that bothered him. You probably won’t give him revealing photos again, but, if you do, keep ’em private and out of public view (I mean, a steering wheel, really??).

I’ve been dating this guy on and off since 2012. In 2015 we hooked up on New Year’s and we split ways after that. He ended up back in a relationship with another girl. #nohardfeelings. But now we’ve come in contact again and he tells me they have a baby on the way but don’t want to be together. They don’t talk unless it’s regarding the child. I have been pregnant by him before and had a miscarriage, and she’s been pregnant by him before and had a miscarriage and now she’s pregnant and keeping it. What should I do? — On and Off and On and Off

 
Start using some damn birth control. Multiple kinds of birth control. Or better yet, move on and leave this guy with all your drama and history in the past where he probably belongs. But, still use birth control. Lots of it.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

78 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite May 22, 2015, 8:40 am

    LW1 – It sounds like you want him to think about the photos the way you phrased your questions. Hopefully your husband has been supportive of your weight loss. Please develop enough self-esteem to stick with fantasies vs all too real realities that could be acted upon.
    .
    LW2 – That’s a lot to be put out there. I assume he needed to go through his truck after and do a sweep that probably took some time to know where they all were which would be annoying if he discovered them in a time crunch or something.
    .
    LW3 – WWS. Birth control, Birth control, Birth control. You’ve dumped 3 years on and off with this guy with as many pregnancies (at least) between you and this other woman. Just stop. Get off the hamster wheel.

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    • Stonegypsy

      Stonegypsy May 22, 2015, 8:55 am

      I didn’t get that impression from LW1. I think she was legitimately creeped out that he might be thinking about her in a sexy way.

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      • avatar

        Unwanted_Truth May 22, 2015, 9:02 am

        mmm I dunno, I think at the end, when LW1 said “do you think he thinks about my body” too me, I think she may want him to, or is slightly turned on by it. Doesn’t really seem too creeped out by this in my opinion.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite May 22, 2015, 9:11 am

        I wasn’t sure, so I just thought I’d put out the non-creeped out way as well in case that resonated more with the LW. His reaction is inappropriate, but hers could be as well there isn’t enough information to know here.

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      • avatar

        Unwanted_Truth May 22, 2015, 9:18 am

        Very true, imo i think it was way out of line, his reaction. I just think she is a bit on the fence as to how she feels about this verses how she SHOULD feel or react to this. I think she should tell her husband and see how it goes.

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      • gigi

        gigi May 22, 2015, 9:20 am

        I didn’t either, & I had something similar occur. My ex saw (briefly!) a racy pic of me on my phone. He didn’t say anything at the time so I was hoping he didn’t see it, but no. He texted me later, saying how hot it was, send the pic to him blah blah. I just tried to kind of joke it off, & said no way. but it happens & yes it was disturbing, but I just try not to think of it. LW what you need to do is tell him, that pic was not for his eyes, & you would appreciate it if he never mentioned it again. If he keeps bothering you, tell your husband as Wendy suggested. A real friend would not act that way knowing it made you uncomfortable.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray May 22, 2015, 10:16 am

      I sensed LW1 was flattered by it, too. When he first told her she looked good because she lost like 60 pounds, I wonder how she reacted? When he later said she looked hot in the photo and had to go sit down after seeing it, I wonder how she reacted then, too? I bet she smiled and was flattered. I can’t help but think maybe he was encouraged to keep on pushing the issue? Not to put the blame on LW for this friend’s clear lack of respect and boundaries, but it sounds like he was testing the waters with the first comment, and the second comment, and was encouraged to continue. Maybe she was put off by the comments but afraid to assert herself and show her disapproval? Possibly. I know a lot of women who would rather play it cool than stick up for themselves. Or maybe she did react with disgust but he didn’t care and kept on pushing it. Hard to say what’s happening here because LW doesn’t describe her reactions at all. But either way, eww, what Wendy said.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy May 22, 2015, 10:38 am

        I could see her maybe feeling flattered initially by the comments (who doesn’t like knowing that someone thinks they’re hot?) but then creeped out by further comments and the possibility that she’s been added to his masturbatory fantasies.
        It’s just… if she was thinking happily that he might be thinking about her, why would she write in about it?

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  • avatar

    Essie May 22, 2015, 8:40 am

    I’m sorry, but I have to ask: is birth control no longer a thing people do? So many LWs don’t seem to be aware there are ways to NOT get pregnant. OK, so I’m an Old, but when I was a teenager it wasn’t at all easy to get, and still people managed to get it if they needed to. Nowadays there are so many options, and it’s available everywhere, and entirely socially acceptable, and you can even get Plan B if there’s an accident. And I come here and almost every day there’s a letter from someone who’s sleeping with an obvious loser and turns up pregnant like ‘wow, how did that happen’?

    Sorry. Senior citizen rant over.

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    • othy

      othy May 22, 2015, 9:03 am

      One of my coworkers used to work on a study where they would interview pregnant women. They would first ask “Was the pregnancy intended?” If the mother said no, they would follow up with “Then what type of birth control were you using”. Apparently there was an alarmingly high number of women who would respond with “I wasn’t using any”. There seems to be a very strong disconnect between the two.

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki May 22, 2015, 9:30 am

        I know people who seem to be confused about how they got pregnant, but then find out that they aren’t using birth control. “We used condoms sometimes!” “He would pull out.” “I take birth control, but I forget them a lot.” Our sex ed was decent as far as a public school in the US goes and I know some of these people were in the same class as me so I’m really confused as to how they didn’t get the same information I did. Fortunately, my mom was also very open about sex and birth control and made sure I knew how to protect myself.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 22, 2015, 2:36 pm

        Most people who get “accidentally” pregnant — deliberately act fucking dumb. End of story.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy May 22, 2015, 9:18 am

      And I only publish like a fraction of the “Oops, I got pregnant with a loser” letters. Some days, I just want bang my head against the wall repeatedly.

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones May 22, 2015, 11:08 am

        As much as I love this site and the commenters, this is where I think there tends to be a dog-pile mentality in this community.
        .
        If you’ve never seen a healthy relationship, it’s super hard to understand that you aren’t in one. I grew up seeing all kinds of shitty relationships but it wasn’t until I started seeking out information to fix some stuff that was going on with me, that I realized that what I had known as ‘good’ or ‘solid’ relationships were in fact pretty dysfunctional. Couple that with misinformation about BC or an overall, ‘this is just how all relationships are’, I can see how this happens to people.
        .
        There’s some good information here but I think it tends to get lost when we pile on LWs for not using BC or immediately leaving a shitty relationship.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 11:54 am

        I don’t know if I’d characterize it as a dog-pile… people are saying what they really think and not just following along with other’s opinions. Luckily for most of us here, we do have the education about BC and a background that allows us to feel comfortable using it.

        But I definitely agree with you that there’s a lack of understanding of how some people grow up and what they’re exposed to. Like I said below, if you just see everyone getting pregnant accidentally, that’s normal to you. That’s life. There’s not a lot to be done about it, so you follow suit.

        But I do think it’s totally reasonable for everyone to make the comment that they need to be on BC, because that’s good advice no matter the background. And to see an outpouring of comments in support of BC will hopefully show the LW that not everyone sees it as slutty or as not-an-option. Maybe it’s enough to make them look into it. Maybe not. But it doesn’t hurt.

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    • avatar

      Ale May 22, 2015, 9:28 am

      It is sad really, because it happens with women of all ages.
      One of my friends told me that his wife of ten years was cheating on him, and got pregnant with the other guy’s baby. This woman is 40 years old. When I asked him what kind of birth control she was on, he told me that she wasn’t using any. So, cheating with no birth control. Intelligent.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 9:43 am

      I actually remember reading about a study where there was a high percentage of women who weren’t *trying* to get pregnant, but who were totally fine with getting pregnant if it happened. I don’t understand it myself, that seems crazy to me. But apparently it’s not uncommon. I’m guessing if you live somewhere that it’s just common for women to get pregnant unintentionally, then that’s normal for you and you just deal with it.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna May 22, 2015, 9:53 am

        This is always such a huge WTF to me. I don’t get why anyone would willingly put themselves in the position of experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. It just doesn’t compute for me.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 10:13 am

        Totally with ya.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana May 22, 2015, 11:26 am

        see if I were in a happy relationship and at the point in my life where I was open to having a family and had all my ducks in a row (but only then) this is the approach I would take for a few reasons 1) infertility and PCOS run in my family so my chances of getting pregnant naturally are really small so I don’t want to pin my hopes on having a child to not be able to and 2) it would take the pressure off, like I don’t have to have children I’d be super happy if I did but I am not willing to plan my life around this–so leaving it up to fate a bit if that makes sense. I wouldn’t take that approach now because I am too young and not financially stable, but in the future I think that is how I would approach it. IDK I think a lot of people do this with their second or third children, kind of like we are open to a child bu t if it doesn’t happen, it won’t be the end of the world.

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      • avatar

        ktfran May 22, 2015, 11:36 am

        Honestly, I think that’s a great attitude to have because it takes so much pressure off… if it happens, GREAT! If it doesn’t, you won’t be devastated. I could see myself taking a similar stance if I were in a position to have children. I’m currently not, so I will take measure to prevent that from happening.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 11:49 am

        Yeah, but there’s a huge difference between being open to getting pregnant when you’re ready for it, and just being open to it whenever. As far as I’m concerned, what you described is a casual form of “trying” for a kid. You’ve made the conscious decision that that’s what you’re doing, even though you’re not going so far as to track your ovulation and specifically have sex when you’re fertile. You know what I mean? That’s a completely different case from just “if it happens, it happens” at any random time in your life.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 22, 2015, 12:53 pm

        Meh, I feel like this is a matter of semantics. I personally would not say a woman who is open to pregnancy and therefore not actively taking measures to prevent it but hasn’t necessarily made the decision that yes I want a child NOW – is “trying”. I might instead say “not trying to prevent pregnancy”. It may be a superficial difference in understanding the situation, but to me, if I hear someone is trying to get pregnant, I assume they definitively want a child now or in the near future, and are taking deliberate steps with the goal of being pregnant soon. Someone who is more wishy-washy, happy if a kid comes along happy if one doesn’t and isn’t taking rigorous steps to remain unpregnant, well that person isn’t in the same headspace as someone who firmly wants a child now, and therefore they shouldn’t be described in the same way.

        I’m not saying I’m necessarily correct in my interpretation, but I think a lot of women share my perspective. So I kind of side-eye the statistic that says nearly half of all pregnancies were unintentional. If you use the RedRover definition of “trying” you’d assume all of these women truly did not want or mean to end up pregnant. However, because my hunch is a lot of women view “trying” the way I do, I bet if you dug into a lot of these situations you’d find a lot of these pregnancies were actually among the “not trying to prevent pregnancy but not chasing it down” cohort. My hunch is that the number of women who truly actively did not want to get pregnant but did anyways is much lower than reported.

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      • avatar

        ktfran May 22, 2015, 12:59 pm

        I’m with you on this. I bet when asked by the doctor, they don’t necessarily differentiate which category of “trying” the woman or couple actually fall into.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 1:04 pm

        Actually the “wishy-washy” ones are counted as intended pregnancies. Unintended are the ones that are altogether unwanted, or unwanted at this time. Women who don’t care one way or the other aren’t considered unintended. So the 50/50 number is actually correct.
        .
        Check out the grey “What is an unintended pregnancy” box near the bottom of this page for the definition.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 22, 2015, 1:24 pm

        Hmm, good to know.

        Still, I think what this illustrates is there is a lot of diversity in people’s opinions as to whether these wishy-washy couples are “trying to pregnant” or “no longer trying to prevent getting pregnant”, and I for one would not consider what they are doing “trying”.

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      • SweetAnnie

        SweetAnnie May 22, 2015, 12:03 pm

        I’m part of those women with the “whatever happens” attitude. I was diagnosed with some serious fertility issues in my early twenties and, at the moment, we are not using birth control but, also, not putting any pressure on getting pregnant.
        Ideally, my partner and I would like to have a child in 2-3 years so we can enjoy more time being “just us”. If nothing happens by then, we will probably get more serious about planning and start exploring fertility methods.
        If I happen to get pregnant before, we will be overjoyed and go with the flow. It may be more challenging but, we don’t want to miss our opportunity to become parents because the timing isn’t perfect.
        I would like to mention, however, that my partner and I made the decision to forego birth control together, that we are confident we could co-parent well and that our finances and relationship are very stable.

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      • avatar

        SasLinna May 22, 2015, 12:11 pm

        In your case, if you got pregnant, I would not think of that as ‘unplanned’.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 12:23 pm

        Exactly. This is “trying”. Making a conscious decision to go off BC.

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    • avatar

      Cleopatra Jones May 22, 2015, 9:56 am

      Well…
      As someone who came from an environment in which BC was NEVER discussed, the idea of having the power to protect oneself from pregnancy was a totally foreign concept. And if it was discussed there was a WHOLE lot of shame attached to the discussion, as in, ‘only fast girls need to have birth control.’ It was not until I was much older, did I understand that wanting to have safe protected sex with someone did not make me a hoe-bag.
      .
      So I get why/how a lot of these LWs come up pregnant from their ‘relationships’. For me, it was seeing generations of my own family/ friends having unplanned pregnancies (myself included), so I imagine that for many people out there it’s kinda the same environment. Also, I knew about access to BC but the stigma of using it was so ingrained in me, it took me a looooooooooong time to figure that shit out.
      .
      So now when I talk to my own kids about it, I make sure they know that safe protected sex is where it’s at. 🙂

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      • Eljay

        Eljay May 22, 2015, 10:15 am

        I completely agree with this. The same went for me growing up. It was just NEVER discussed. The only thing my mother told me about birth control was “if you come home pregnant, don’t expect to live here.”
        .
        And what you said about the stigma of birth control I’ve started seeing in my own daughter, who’s 15. While searching thru her aunt’s dresser for a t-shirt, her cousin found a box of condoms. The cousin immediately said “auntie’s a ho!” In relaying this story to me, she agreed with her cousin that auntie must be a ho if she has a whole box of condoms in her dresser and not even hiding them properly. I saw this as a perfect opportunity to tell her how AWESOME it is that auntie is protecting herself and that is what she SHOULD be doing. You’re not a ho-bag for having protected sex. That makes you a smart, confident, informed woman. Now she knows better. 🙂

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      • avatar

        SasLinna May 22, 2015, 12:16 pm

        This was interesting to read, definitely helped me understand better.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 22, 2015, 2:41 pm

        Really? Was it that hard to FUCKING read a book or get a pamphlet of something? Seriously? Sorry but I am sick of people constantly making excuses for all the fucking idiots of the world that willfully clog the planet with their fucking unwanted and somehow even fucking dumber offspring. I swear, each generation is TRULY dumber than the last.
        .
        FAST GIRLS know how to have a fucking good time.
        .
        ABJECT IDIOTS get knocked up constantly.
        .
        NEWSFLASH! Being gay in the 1980s was even a far bigger taboo and yet somehow — GASP! — I educated myself and did NOT die of AIDS. I mean — hey, surprise, surprise. It can be done. People CAN take personal responsibility for their own actions and not cling to the convenient excuse off their fucked up environment. And being gay in North Dakota in the 1980s was about as fucked up as you can possibly get.

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones May 22, 2015, 3:09 pm

        I can’t even with you…
        .
        I’ve been a reader here on DW for years and I used to think you were somewhat charming with ascerbic undertones. But lately, you have devolved into absolute vile bitchy bitterness towards anyone with a different life experience (especially women) than you.
        .
        That’s not the kind of dialogue I want to have with anyone, so I’m going to take this opportunity to bow out of any further dialogue with you. 🙂

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    • avatar

      booknerd May 22, 2015, 10:03 am

      Yeah, seeing as how the pill has been on the market for 50 years, and condoms for ages, there really is no excuse here.

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones May 22, 2015, 10:30 am

        Meh, not that it’s an excuse but honestly some people aren’t even aware that they have control over their own reproductive systems.
        .
        Women of Color and poor women aren’t necessarily given this information. I know that this sounds kinda crazy but…think about this:
        Many African-American women went from years of slavery & Jim Crow in which their reproductive rights were directly tied to their economic survival. Having tons of children meant you were valuable to the slave owner and after the Civil War, having tons of children meant you were able to share-crop and survive, so there wasn’t a need for BC.
        .
        Once Jim Crow Laws were mostly eradicated (keep in mind this wasn’t even until the 60’s), many of these women were often dirt poor & illiterate so access to the information about BC was severely limited. Women had to go by what they heard (cause they couldn’t read or read well), so it was easy to get a LOT of misinformation about condoms & BC. And if money was an issue then most people aren’t going to choose between food or BC. Hell, sometimes getting to the clinic/doctor to get BC meant an additional hardship on the family.
        .
        You can say 50 years but the reality of the situation is not everyone in the U.S. has had unfettered access to BC or the education that goes along with making informed choices about their body.
        .
        Just sayin’, yes it’s frustrating to read these letters but there is a LOOOOOOOOOONG history in the U.S. of WOC and poor women being outright denied BC or given misinformation, so please think about that before making general off-the-cuff remarks about why people can’t get their shit together & BC is so accessible.

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      • avatar

        booknerd May 22, 2015, 10:40 am

        I said 50 years, because that’s when the first pill was released. I was illustrating that it’s not a new concept. I’m not the only person here who is flabbergasted by the amount of people who write in about getting pregnant while not using any birth control. I never said people can’t get their shit together. Birth control is accessible. You can get free condoms in most high school nurses offices, planned parenthoods and you can buy them at any drugstore. I wasn’t responding to your comments, I was responding to Essie.

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones May 22, 2015, 10:49 am

        It wasn’t a personal attack against you. I was just stating that it’s easy to say, ‘BC is so accessible why can’t people use it’ but in reality there’s a long history of why the obvious answer to you isn’t so obvious to other people.

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      • avatar

        booknerd May 22, 2015, 11:20 am

        This letter is not from fifty years ago. I’m fairly certain most people in this country know that a form of birth control exists. This doesn’t sound like a LW that has grown up in a bunker. I grew up in a very conservative, poor, small town, and we still had sex education in fifth grade, twenty years ago. Birth control isn’t a new concept. It hasn’t been for a long time.

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones May 22, 2015, 11:42 am

        Nope it’s not but the misinformation, stigma, and lack of access still continue in the U.S. today.
        .
        But we should agree to disagree because us arguing about access to BC doesn’t really help the LW. 🙂

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      • Portia

        Portia May 22, 2015, 11:58 am

        But then there’s this (to me ridiculous) idea that not using condoms means more trust in your partner. I guess it means you trust them not to give you STD’s from sleeping around? I don’t know, but I actually knew a handful of situations where a guy didn’t want to use condoms and would break up with/not go out with someone who took a hard stance on using them. These were college students from a fairly good school who were middle to upper middle class in a pretty liberal environment.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 12:10 pm

        @Portia, I’ve heard that one too, and yes, it’s because you trust that they’re not sleeping around. There’s this idea that if you’re in a “real” relationship, you don’t use condoms. Personally I used condoms with every boyfriend, including my now-husband, and continued after we were married. No one ever brought up the trust thing, or even complained about using condoms. I don’t know if it’s a generational shift or just a regional difference.

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      • Portia

        Portia May 22, 2015, 2:55 pm

        Both Bassanio and another ex brought up the trust thing, and I’m fairly certain they were influenced by what their peers were saying. Also, they were both relatively young when saying those things. If I hadn’t been as steadfast in my convictions and would have been OK having a baby, though? I could see someone in my position playing fast and loose with BC.
        .
        Also, interesting on the regional/generational angle! Can anyone else chime in if they’ve heard the “trust” thing as applied to condoms?

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      • Portia

        Portia May 22, 2015, 11:38 am

        It always seemed odd to me how many couples I knew in relationships (but not married) would not use multiple forms of BC in their most-fertile years. And they were well-educated and well-off. For the most part the women were on the pill and not using condoms, although some was no birth control and occasional use of other methods. I didn’t get most of this information myself, but through Bassanio. After a while, even he started thinking it might be a trust issue, but only because everyone else was doing it. The only reason we didn’t was that I took some strong opposing positions (I was NOT getting pregnant). But I could kind of tell mine was not necessarily the typical reaction within a relationship. Outside a relationship usually meant more BC for the people I knew.

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      • Astronomer

        Astronomer May 22, 2015, 1:36 pm

        @Cleopatra – Has anyone told you how brilliant and awesome you are yet today? Carry on.

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      • avatar

        Cleopatra Jones May 22, 2015, 3:20 pm

        Thanks. 🙂

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      • avatar

        pebblesntrix May 22, 2015, 6:21 pm

        amen

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      • Cassie

        Cassie May 23, 2015, 12:33 am

        Thank you for sharing this Cleopatra. It’s something I never really though of in that way before, but definitely gives me a better understanding to some of the contributing factors.

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      • avatar

        d2 May 23, 2015, 11:19 am

        I want to second the thanks to Cleo for sharing. One of the things I like best about DW is to get learn about others’ life experiences. I feel like I am enriched by reading and gain a better understanding of others.

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    • avatar

      marynn May 22, 2015, 10:27 am

      A few years ago I heard an interview with an Ob/Gyn who said that of all pregnant women that came to his office, almost 40% had unplanned pregnancies. Most were of the variety of “whatever happens”, he said, women who were in relationships, some even married, and were not really *planning* on getting pregnant but just did not use birth control or used it poorly. He was really annoyed it seemed, talking about how we plan when to buy a house, a car, when to change jobs, and we don’t plan for one of the most important (and probably most expensive) thing in our lives. I, personally, do not get this AT ALL. It’s one thing to keep an unplanned pregnancy that happened while using birth control, but to simply NOT CARE whether you get pregnant or not is like… it’s as if the concept was in Chinese for me. I can’t even begin to grasp it.
      SIDENOTE PERSONAL ANECDOTE: A friend of a friend, who actually worked IN A HOSPITAL as a medical assistance (i.e. not just an administrative job but someone who was there in surgeries) got pregnant after not using birth control because she thought she was infertile, because she had had the mumps and had unprotected sex many times and not gotten pregnant.
      A male friend, got a one night stand pregnant and said “I have the worst luck, I had unprotected sex MANY times and this never happened”.

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      • avatar

        Ale May 22, 2015, 11:02 am

        Same thing happened to my cousin. He was absolutely sure he was infertile. I ran tests personally for him and told him that there was no reason for him to think that he was infertile. He thought so because he had unprotected sex many times and never got anybody pregnant. I warned him… He got a 22 year old pregnant (he is 32) and is now fighting custody and in a big mess.

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      • Portia

        Portia May 22, 2015, 3:00 pm

        I remember hearing from Bassanio when he was in law school that you can’t sue a doctor for “wrongful life,” meaning a doctor said you were infertile but had a baby. That stuff fascinated me. Not that everyone is going out and suing doctors over this, but considering how litigious the US is, it surprises me that this wouldn’t be brought up more.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant May 22, 2015, 2:21 pm

        I feel like many of these couples have thought about the impact a baby would have on their lives though, and therefore feel comfortable being open to it. Like, my husband I are NOT trying to get pregnant, but we have talked about what would happen if we DID, and what that would mean for our finances, and decided that if we accidentally got pregnant, we know we could make the necessary adjustments to make it work. It would change our lives sure, but we’ve thought ahead about the contingencies so it wouldn’t be such a shit-show of a situation. There are changes we could make in our lives to make it possible. We aren’t going to implement those changes now (or ever), as we aren’t pregnant, but we know we could make our lives work if it came to that.

        Why wouldn’t couples that are actually open to the idea also think about pregnancy the way my husband and I do? You don’t have to have an actual road map already fleshed out for every major life event ahead of time. You can think ahead about what different scenarios might mean for your life, and have a basic understanding of how you might respond if or when, they come to fruition.

        Certainly, a lot of the patients your friend sees haven’t thought about the impact on a pregnancy would have on their lives in even the most theoretical abstract terms, but I disagree pregnancy, or even any other big live moment, is something that you necessarily have to go into with 100% intention ahead of time. A lot of our biggest live changes are not something we instigate ourselves, but they happen to us and we have to be prepared to respond. You can’t always anticipate losing your job (or a sudden job opportunity for something you’d never considered before may just drop into your lap). You can’t anticipate the housing market radically shifting. You can’t anticipate a health crisis. There’s a lot you can’t anticipate, so for me, life is a balance of being flexible while trying to imagine different scenarios you might encounter and how you might respond should they happen.

        Not to say people shouldn’t think at all about whether or not they should or can handle having kids ahead of time, just that I think it’s totally legit for people to assess their lives and think “Yep, we could make having a kid work if we do x, y, and z and we’d be happy; but we could also just continue on with the life we have now and be happy this way too. Let’s just play it by ear and take it as it unfolds”.

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    • Lyra

      Lyra May 22, 2015, 10:59 am

      Side note/semi related…I *may* have started birth control recently and I *may* have done a happy dance that it is FREE with my insurance. Woot!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster May 22, 2015, 11:17 am

        It should be free under EVERY insurance plan because it’s illegal to charge for it under the ACA.
        .
        And that is definitely something to do the happy dance over! 🙂

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      • Lyra

        Lyra May 22, 2015, 11:23 am

        Oooo I didn’t know that!!

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh May 22, 2015, 11:57 am

        Unless your plan is Grandfathered in under old rules 🙁 So many loopholes to that damn thing!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster May 22, 2015, 12:18 pm

        Yep. Unfortunately this is true. 🙁

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  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes May 22, 2015, 8:56 am

    WWS!!! Oh.My.Goodness.
    *
    LW1: How old are you??? Because you sound about 17, tops. Also, this was truly an accident, he should have had an eyeful for, I dont know, 0.8 seconds or something. Dude is creepy, no matter what. Stop fantasizing about him fantasizing about you.
    *
    LW2: First of all, is he a trucker? Because that makes your behavior more…acceptable I suppose. IF he isnt, then semi-nude photos of you in the visor (actually kinda cute, alone), steering wheel (Wendy is right- W.T.F), cup holder, AND glove box is well, overwhelming and creepy. The caveat being though that he called you selfish and conceited- which doesnt really seem to be the traits he should be accusing you of for this behavior. You both seem a bit off your rockers. COmmunication is key in any relationship, and your communication seems, from your short explanation, to be a bit off here.
    *LW3: Umm, I got nothing. Except to say that in general, I do not think that on-off-relationships in which the guy bounces around between women, intermittently getting them pregnant, tend to turn into long-term love connections, if you will. No hard data or peer-reviewed studies on this….mostly just common sense.

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    • avatar

      ktfran May 22, 2015, 9:18 am

      Your comment to LW3 is perfection.

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      • Raccoon eyes

        Raccoon eyes May 22, 2015, 1:44 pm

        Thanks. 😀

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  • avatar

    Ale May 22, 2015, 9:25 am

    Maybe the husband in LW2 thinks the LW is selfish because she didn’t get him anything for Valentine’s Day, just photos.

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    • Raccoon eyes

      Raccoon eyes May 22, 2015, 9:32 am

      Haha, yeah- “All I got for V-Day was a bunch of photos easily viewable by anyone peeking into my truck.” It should be on a tshirt!

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  • kmtthat

    kmentothat May 22, 2015, 9:40 am

    is it just me or is the font much bigger on the site?

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh May 22, 2015, 9:41 am

      I thought it was just because I was on a different computer today, but it does look different. Not bad or anything! Just slightly larger font 🙂

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover May 22, 2015, 9:45 am

      It was doing it late yesterday too. Probably just a format change. I mean, technically Wendy’s audience is getting older. 🙂 Gotta keep up with these old eyes!

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      • avatar

        Stillrunning May 22, 2015, 10:14 am

        I noticed the larger font too. My old eyes were grateful.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy May 22, 2015, 9:49 am

      Sorry – it’s not supposed to be like that, but I did something while tweaking the design that I can’t figure out on my own how to undo. I have my developer on it now and hopefully things will be back to normal shortly!

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      • Raccoon eyes

        Raccoon eyes May 22, 2015, 9:52 am

        I actually kinda like it. When I first noticed yesterday, I assumed you just changed the font. Im kinda a dork like that though. I definitely dont think it is a bad thing. 🙂

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki May 22, 2015, 10:39 am

        I like it too. I keep my window smallish so I can read it at work without it taking the whole screen so its much easier to read.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh May 22, 2015, 9:59 am

        Yeah I kind of like it too. I was like ooh I like reading DW on this computer I can see all of the tiny words!

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      • avatar

        MissDre May 22, 2015, 10:13 am

        I don’t mind the bigger font, it’s just that now the sidebar links have been pushed down to the very bottom of the site.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy May 22, 2015, 10:16 am

        Right, as I said, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I made a mistake while tooling around in the design tab and need help to fix it, which should be soon. But now that I know people like a bigger font, I will see about making that happen (but not this big; maybe something in between this and what it usually is).

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      • Cassie

        Cassie May 23, 2015, 12:46 am

        Count me in with the “I like the larger font” crowd. I have granny eyes.

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  • kare

    kare May 22, 2015, 9:57 am

    This is why I store all my nude selfies in a hidden, password protected folder.

    Reply Link
  • coconot

    coconot May 22, 2015, 10:39 am

    Yikes @LW1 that is a creepy friend, but you sound like you are kind of encouraging him because you are flattered by his compliments. You need to learn to shut down those kinds of comments early on. When he tells you “he had to sit down” and “you looked hot” you say “Look, I’m really sorry that you accidentally saw those, but it makes me uncomfortable that you keep wanting to discuss them. Can we just forget about this?” If he doesn’t back off, then drop him as a friend. Something similar happened to me recently. I had before and after fitness pics in a sports bra and underwear, so not super racy but still not something I want spread around, and my friend that accidentally saw them was just like “hey what are you showing me there! I don’t need to see that”. After he teased me a little, we totally forgot about it, never mentioned it again, and I of course deleted them from my phone. In fact, I can’t even remember which friend this was now, because neither of us treated it like a big deal.
    .
    @LW2, did you ask him why he thought it was selfish? It was probably where you put the pictures, but maybe it was something else. You should know so that you can give more appreciated gifts in the future.
    .
    @LW3, this guy is bad news. Why do you want someone who keeps abandoning pregnant girlfriends!?! Also +1 million on getting multiple types of birth control. I suggest IUD and condoms (to protect against STDs).

    Reply Link
    • Monkeysmommy

      monkeys mommy May 22, 2015, 9:34 pm

      My husband would be thrilled if I did the pic thing LW 2 did! I think he is overreacting a bit.

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  • avatar

    d2 May 23, 2015, 10:36 am

    LW1 – – –
    The first half of the comment by the friend was a nice compliment delivered with appropriate risqué and fun. But when he asked for the photo, he crossed the line and went deep into creep territory.
    If I thought that he innocently/naively intended the photo request to be a joke that turned out badly, I would tell him that you felt uncomfortable with his comment, ask him to refrain from making such comments in the future, then I would let it slide (assuming that he apologized for making you feel uncomfortable). If I thought that he was serious about his request for the photo, I would end the relationship because I would just feel creeped out being around him.
    .
    LW2 – – –
    I would see guys reacting at either extreme depending on their personality – they would either highly like it and find it amusing and endearing, or they would hate it and find it awkward and embarrassing.
    This is a love language issue. The language of your attempt was way out of his comfort zone and backfired. Having said that, his response was a bit harsh.
    I would have a conversation with him explaining that your intent was positive and you didn’t mean to make him feel uncomfortable. If the two of you are able to communicate effectively, you will likely be laughing about this for years to come.
    .
    LW3 – – –
    To be honest, this is out of my range of experience.
    I don’t understand why anyone would want to be in a relationship with a guy who bounces from woman to woman, leaving a wake of pregnancies in his path. He sounds like someone to avoid.
    As others have suggested, birth control should become a priority for you. Not only so you have control over your life to minimize the possibility of unplanned pregnancy, but also as a first-line defense against guys like this.

    Reply Link

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