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Shortcuts: “Should I Leave Love Notes in My Office Crush’s Desk?”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I started to work for a bank like three years ago. I had a crush on the guy who hired me, but he was only my direct supervisor for a few months. I recently found out that he broke up with his fiancé, so I told him about my crush on him. He was surprised and didn’t believe me (especially since I still had pictures of my ex at my desk) and because it’s been almost three years and I have always behaved professionally. I’m not sure what to do now; I’m getting mixed signals. Should I be precise and direct? Or should I be more subtle and just cook for him? Or put notes in his desk?! — Office Crush

 
I’m not sure how much more direct you can be than, you know, telling someone point-blank how you feel. You did that and he’s not acting on it. That either means he isn’t interested, he isn’t ready to date someone after his recent breakup, or he doesn’t think it’s appropriate to pursue you. I would not cook for him or leave notes in his desk unless you want to be the token office psycho.

I have been with a wonderful man for almost four years. We currently live together. He proposed to me on my 18th birthday; I am now 20 and will be 21 in just a few months. I’m really tired of waiting to get married and every time I talk about it he says, “Why talk about it if we haven’t set a date yet?” He says we need to wait until we have the money, which I understand, but what I cannot understand is how he married his ex-wife with no problem. He set the date and everything and they had a courthouse wedding. I know it might sound crazy, but I find myself watching a lot of Lifetime movies involving people getting married, wishing that one day my fiancé might want to walk down the aisle with me. I’m willing to wait another year or two, but I want to set a date. Any advice? — Tired of Waiting for Date

 
Your fiancé has no interest in marrying you. If he did, he’d have agreed on a date at some point in the last three years since he proposed. He only proposed because he didn’t want to lose you. Call his bluff and tell him you’re ready to go to the courthouse tomorrow. If he isn’t ready to marry you now, after three years of supposedly being engaged, he’s not ever going to be ready.

My boyfriend talks about other women and sends me pictures of them. He also tells me how other women flirt with him. I have told him how his behavior hurts me and that I find it disrespectful for a man to treat a woman he supposedly loves this way, but he turns it around and acts like I have a problem. I have also noticed that he is not interested in what I have to say. When I talk, he cuts me off and talks over me. He completely dominates all conversations and, while I have always been a listener, I have basically stopped talking. Also, everything revolves around him and I feel pretty insignificant and like I’m the last item on his list. He is always right, never ever wrong even when he is. Just like when I told him the date of the Christmas party several times, wrote it down for him, and, when he asked me again, I said please put it on your calendar and he said he would – and now he’s mad because “I never told him and he has made other plans that he will have to reschedule” so it’s my fault. Do you know how hurt I feel then when he sends me pictures of gorgeous gals and tells me the gals were all over him while he got his hair cut? I am not a 20-something; I am a 50-something! I should be strong enough, but he feeds right into all my insecurities. Help. — 50-Something in Distress

 
Christmas party? It’s the middle of October! What happened until waiting after Halloween to start celebrating the holidays? At any rate, MOA. Your boyfriend sounds like a creep.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 151 comments… add one }

avatar TECH October 11, 2013, 9:05 am

“Or should I be more subtle and just cook for him?” I don’t know why I found that so hilarious.

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 9:15 am

I’m still cracking up about that line like 15 minutes after I read it. Cook for him? What is it like 1950??

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 9:19 am

I thought that was hilarious, too. I was not expecting “…and just cook for him?” to follow “Should I be more subtle?”

avatar TECH October 11, 2013, 9:53 am

Has anyone ever heard of “engagement chicken”? It was this stupid idea in Glamour magazine that basically said if you cook your boyfriend a certain type of chicken he will ask you to marry him. There are millions of women out there who eat that shit up. Cook a guy a certain type of food — he’ll do anything for you! Bake him cookies — he’ll ask you out on a date. Bring him soup when he’s sick — he’ll want you to be his girlfriend. Make him engagement chicken — he’ll want to marry you. Whhaaat??!

katie katie October 11, 2013, 9:56 am

people love that though, because it gives them some fantasy of actually controlling what is the un-controllable in their lives. thats why, its like a security blanket. people suck.

avatar artsygirl October 11, 2013, 9:57 am

There was also the hipster 300 sandwich/engagement deal which made me want to punch things

Kate B. Kate B. October 11, 2013, 10:32 am

Well, it is a good recipe. I’ve never “used” it on anyone, but it’s a good recipe.

rainbow rainbow October 11, 2013, 10:42 am

When you said “engagement chicken” for a moment I pictured a live chicken in a little helmet and a pair of rollerskates that will come to your door to propose in someone’s name. I liked my version much much better.

avatar Lily in NYC October 11, 2013, 10:50 am

I think I would marry that chicken!

Red_Lady Red_Lady October 11, 2013, 11:27 am

My first though when I read “engagement chicken” was a replacement for an engagement ring. I think I like rainbow’s version better, though!

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 10:43 am

OMG yes, I remember seeing that. The comments killlllled me, they were so hilarious, but also sad? People were legit commenting shit like, “I made this for my boyfriend 2 weeks ago, but no proposal yet :( Does anyone know how long it’s supposed to take?” I was like, WHAT. And these weren’t jokes, either, they were commenting multiple times & some sounds halfway sane (“I know it’s just chicken lol but i was rly hoping it would work! Maybe tonight ;) “) Ahhhh. AHHHHHH.

avatar Lily in NYC October 11, 2013, 10:49 am

My former best friend tried that stupid chicken thing. I was mortified on her behalf. She was the type to buy bridal magazines after dating someone for 2 weeks. That was years ago and she still scares men away with her desperation.

katie katie October 11, 2013, 9:38 am

oh god thank you i fixated on that line too! what does that even MEAN??

Kate B. Kate B. October 11, 2013, 10:30 am

Um, I’ve cooked for a crush and it works.

Kate B. Kate B. October 11, 2013, 10:37 am

In my defense, I’d like to say that it is something I truly enjoy doing and would continue to do for someone in a relationship. I love to watch people eat what I’ve cooked. And, I’ve had men cook for me and it is wonderful.

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 10:48 am

Nah, it’s cool if you like doing it, & it’s definitely something I’ve done (my bf usually helps cook when we make dinner together, but every now & then I have the urge to be wifely & bake something on my own to give him). It’s just the whole literal interpretation of “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!” that most of us are cringing at, I think.

Like, I remember one of my friends in college was sleeping with my boyfriend-at-the-time’s housemate, & she would come over when Housemate wasn’t there, ostensibly to hang out with me & BF. Well, she would ALWAYS bring a dish of something for Housemate, write his name on it, & stick it in the fridge. So, that kind of behavior is… weird.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 12:09 pm

I asked a guy friend about his fiance the other day and he said “she’s awesome – she keeps my stomach full and my balls drained” and I immediately began plotting how I could end the conversation.

avatar starpattern October 11, 2013, 12:44 pm

Ewww Jesus I would hate for anyone to talk about me that way. I mean I guess he meant it as a compliment but gak.

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 12:47 pm

Ya the phrase “balls drained” “drain my balls” — anything with “drain” & “balls” in the same sentence, really— is just a gross way to phrase things, ahaha.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 12:49 pm

He is essentially the most inappropriate person I know. It’s both my favorite and least favorite thing about him. And he totally meant it in a loving way.

Kate B. Kate B. October 11, 2013, 12:27 pm

I am not, however, an advocate of leaving notes on someone’s desk. A) we’re not in high school any more, right? and B) if he wants to, he can just trot that thing over to HR and complain you’re harrassing him. Therein lie the perils of office romance.

avatar MsMisery October 11, 2013, 1:08 pm

Well that’s why you leave it ANONYMOUSLY and in cut-out newspaper letter!!!

Miel Miel October 12, 2013, 12:56 pm

Then he will go see the police instead of HR…

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 9:42 am

Also, who keeps pictures of their ex on their desk? That is just bazar to me.

avatar ktfran October 11, 2013, 9:44 am

Wendy’s “token office psycho” had me cracking up. I love it.

JK JK October 11, 2013, 9:52 am

Yeah, I get the feeling LW1 already IS the token office psycho.

avatar feelingroovy October 11, 2013, 5:27 pm

Seriously. She might as well be saying “should I be more subtle and just blow him?”

avatar bethany October 11, 2013, 9:10 am

LW1- No. Just no.
LW2- You dont’ need to save money to get married. You need to save money to have a wedding. Tell him you want to set a date, if he won’t MOA.
LW3- MOA. this guy’s a jerk.

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 9:14 am

LW1: You’re too funny. But, ah, no. Don’t cook for him, don’t leave notes in his desk (that was an actual joke, though, right? Trust me, don’t do it. That never goes well!!) Like Wendy said, you already told him how you feel— & he doesn’t “believe” you. (That’s so great; next time somebody confesses their love for me, & I’m not interested, I’ll just be like, “haha, aw, I don’t believe ~that~. How was your weekend?”

LW2: Wendy didn’t go there, so I will— you’re 20! 20! You can wait to get married.

LW3: I feel like this guy wants an open relationship, which you’re obviously not down with (& he’s going about it in a jerk-y way). Just move on. Between the picture texts of other women, his talking over you, & forgetting about plans, there’s nothing to redeem in this relationship. Like you said, you’re “not a 20-something; [you are] a 50-something! “

avatar bethany October 11, 2013, 9:19 am

Re: #2, Yeah, I was thinking that same thing. Thank you for saying it.

avatar kerrycontrary October 11, 2013, 9:30 am

Yes…she’s 20! I’m so different from when I was 20! Your brain and your values and ideas change so much in your early 20s. Things slow down eventually and you become who you are supposed to be. Yes you’ll still change throughout your life (as you should) but not as drastically as you will in your early 20s.

avatar EttaKit October 11, 2013, 9:41 am

Anyone else do the math? She’s 20 and she’s been with him for 4 years. So that means they met when she was 16. This man had already been married and divorced by the time he met and started dating a 16 year old. Does this weird out anyone else?

avatar ktfran October 11, 2013, 9:50 am

I was thinking the same thing. How old is this guy????

avatar rachel October 11, 2013, 9:59 am

Ah, I’m glad I’m not the only one who was creeped out by this!

Kate B. Kate B. October 11, 2013, 10:34 am

Big time.

Red_Lady Red_Lady October 11, 2013, 11:30 am

And he proposed to her the day she turned 18 (aka legal)!!! That just sounds super creepy!

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 11, 2013, 12:52 pm

YUP, that was the first thing that popped into my mind too!

avatar Scooze October 11, 2013, 9:15 am

Yikes! More people that make me feel better about my life. But did anyone catch that LW #2 was 16 when she started dating a divorced man? And by 20 she feels like an old maid? Something’s very wrong there…

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 9:18 am

Oh, wow, I did ~not~ do the math on that one. When she mentioned he was divorced, I just assumed he was a little older, & had gotten married young. But, uh. Yeah, I don’t think there’s any way to work it out so this is okay.

avatar jlyfsh October 11, 2013, 9:32 am

Yeah glad I’m not the only one who saw that. He did wait until she was ‘legal’ to propose though!

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 9:19 am

LW2 Your BF is a jerk. It costs minimal amounts to legally marry/have a courthouse ceremony (depending on the state I would assume anyone could do it for under $200 including officiate fees, licensing fees, and perhaps a new dress). BUT even if you can get him “pinned down” on a wedding day- don’t marry this guy. He sounds like a butthead, there appear to be weird power dynamics going on in your relationship, and for pete’s sake- STOP WATCHING SO MUCH LIFETIME. It’s pure shit.

avatar kerrycontrary October 11, 2013, 9:31 am

I love the word “butthead”. I wish I remembered to use it more often.

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 9:37 am

Haha, I’m trying to cut swearing out of my vocabulary unless it’s 110% needed (like asshat yesterday) so I’m subbing in other words. Butthead is my favorite thus far.

avatar bethany October 11, 2013, 9:39 am

DRINK

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 9:41 am

It’s Friday, I thought everyone could use an excuse :)

katie katie October 11, 2013, 9:54 am

ok legit- this morning, i was looking in my fridge for stuff to bring for lunch, and i saw the hard ciders that jake bought for me, and i really wanted one. 7:30 in the morning.

avatar bethany October 11, 2013, 9:56 am

I see nothing wrong with that. Now I kinda want to drink. 9:56 isn’t too early, right?

katie katie October 11, 2013, 10:04 am

thank you for validating that almost-made life choice. haha

avatar ktfran October 11, 2013, 10:05 am

I’m kind of thinking I need to set up a liquid lunch today. Plus, I get to leave work at 3. So why not?

avatar Christy October 11, 2013, 10:08 am

Do it!

bagge72 Bagge72 October 11, 2013, 10:14 am

Yeah I think I need to too, everyone else is working from home today, and I am also leaving early.

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 10:12 am

On the Today show they where talking about apple cider with bourbon. I don’t like either but I wanted one badly.

avatar ktfran October 11, 2013, 10:27 am

That sounds delicious. I want one now, too!

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 12:10 pm

We had apple cider and rum for the morning football game last weekend!

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 1:54 pm

We where going to have whiskey and coffee but someone’s husband was barfing. (It was mine, Saturday was a really rough day on all fronts for me.)

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 11, 2013, 12:54 pm

I just finished my final, so I am already having a beer! (It’s not quite noon Central time). It’s probably going to be followed by a nap, though.

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 11, 2013, 12:54 pm

Oh, and I’m in my underwear. Just to complete the visual.

katie katie October 11, 2013, 9:53 am

you know, i actually find “asshat” to be much less offensive then “butthead”. i have no idea why.

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 10:13 am

Really? That is interesting. I guess my gauge is I would never say assanything in front for my MIL or grandma, but butt is totally fine. I’ve yet to figure out what truly is and is not appropriate in the eyes of my inlaws though. Damn is okay but shit isn’t?

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 12:17 pm

I can essentially say anything in front of my parents but if I drop an f bomb my dad will embarrass me in public and make me feel like I’m 6 years old and just got caught stealing gum tape from the candy store.

katie katie October 11, 2013, 12:21 pm

ha, thats funny.

i could never say any of those words in front of my grandmother. i couldnt even finish my dinners in front of my grandmothers, or say things like “im full”, either. they were wayyyy over the top, like, “cleaned” in high heels type of women. thats not a good gauge for me. lol

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 11, 2013, 12:55 pm

They’re similar, though. They both involve butts and heads.

avatar lets_be_honest October 11, 2013, 11:02 am

You know what GG? I may stand by and let you give your opinions about X Y and Z without saying a word. I may let you insult me day in and day out. But I draw the line at personal attacks like bashing Lifetime movies. How dare you! That shit is as real as the sun!

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 11:05 am

Hahahaha.

Lyra Lyra October 11, 2013, 9:44 am

Every LW here needs to AIM HIGHER. Seriously.

Lyra Lyra October 11, 2013, 10:16 am

Specifically, LW2: I’m guessing this guy proposed to you so you could move in together. Maybe you wanted more of a commitment and he just wanted the convenience of living together — get his cake and eat it too kind of thing. The age difference is also super creepy. If he’s divorced, there is a very good chance that he’s not ready to jump into another marriage. He’s using money as an excuse, especially if he had a courthouse ceremony with his ex wife. I also find it super creepy that he proposed RIGHT ON your 18th birthday. You’re only 20 — you have lots and lots of time to figure things out. This guy is NOT worth your time.

bagge72 Bagge72 October 11, 2013, 10:22 am

Or he proposed, because everyone thought he was a wicked creepy, and her dad wanted to throat punch him, so to make himself look less creepy to her, and he proposed..

Lyra Lyra October 11, 2013, 11:49 am

I totally agree with you, @Bagge.

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 11, 2013, 12:57 pm

Yeah, I was thinking he was somehow trying to “legitimize” all the previous creepy underage sex…

avatar sophronisba October 11, 2013, 9:45 am

LW3, I feel you. This egotistical fellow wants an audience to applaud him, not a partner. You feel like the last thing on his list because you are, right after him, him, him, him and him. No amount of planning, waiting, understanding, or attitude-adjusting on your part will make him considerate and loving – it’s just not in him. I know whereof I speak – even a stranger will be kinder to you than a man like this. It took me 12 years to get rid of mine: learn from my mistakes and run away!

Addie Pray Addie Pray October 11, 2013, 9:46 am

LW1, you are ballsy! I don’t think I could ever do that.

LW2, I agree with Fab, you’re only 20, don’t get married (sowwy). Also, if I did the math right, you were 16 when you got together and this guy had already been married and divorced. How old is he? I’m dying to know. Me thinks too old to be having a relationship with an 16 year old girl.

LW3, your boyfriend is a douchebag.

katie katie October 11, 2013, 9:55 am

isnt 16 usually the age of consent? maybe its not technically bad…

JK JK October 11, 2013, 9:59 am

Maybe not technically bad, but definitely icky. The difference in life experience between a 16 year old girl and guy who has been married and divorced already (even if he is like 20) is just too weird.

JK JK October 11, 2013, 10:03 am

even if he were* like 20, since we have no idea how old he actually is.

katie katie October 11, 2013, 10:07 am

honestly, a guy who married at 20 and already divorced and a 16 year old *might* not be too far off? i mean most teens dont think before they act, dont think about consequences, cant see long term…. which sounds a lot like someone who got married and then divorced at 20.

just sayin, lol

avatar Liquid Luck October 11, 2013, 12:37 pm

Everyone here is being way too judgmental about this girl being 16 when they started dating. Newsflash guys, she was probably 17 when they started their relationship if she’s almost 21 and they’ve been together less than four years. And everyone knows that at 17 you magically become way more mature and totally able to handle adult relationships with divorcés.

No wonder they had to rush into an engagement the second she was legal, they needed to prove how serious and adult their relationship was to all the naysayers, because their love is special. But marriage is like, for realsies, so no need to actually go that far.

JK JK October 11, 2013, 12:39 pm

You had me scared at 1st! :D

avatar Liquid Luck October 11, 2013, 2:47 pm

Ha, yesterday got me in full on snark mode and I seem to have trouble getting out of it. But seriously, I feel bad for this girl. It sounds like she way preyed on by a much older guy when she was too young to realize how messed up that is, and now she doesn’t even know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I just want to hug her.

avatar kerrycontrary October 11, 2013, 10:00 am

TECHNICALLY, but morally? Also age of consent depends on the state. But, I’m watching gossip girl and (spoiler alert) one guy is dating a 17 year old, and he’s presumably like 24 or 25. And shes like “it’s not illegal, I checked!”. But she’s in high school. and he’s a grown man. It’s GROSS.

Addie Pray Addie Pray October 11, 2013, 10:08 am

Um, I don’t think so. You have sex with a 16 year old and you’re in twouble. In most states. I think. Regardless, point is, EWWWW.

avatar artsygirl October 11, 2013, 10:15 am

Addie there are a ton of states that actually allow girls to get married at 16 mostly with parental concent. In some states you can even get married before 16 with a court order.

katie katie October 11, 2013, 10:37 am

Oh I was just going to say this too! My friend has family in… Iowa? Idaho? One of those, and it’s super common to get married in high school! At 15 and 16.

So weird.

avatar artsygirl October 11, 2013, 10:10 am

Since I have some friends in the military I wondered if that was the case. There are plenty of service guys who get married at 18 or 19 before deployment and unfortunately a lot of marriages are short lived (less than a year) because the couple rushed to the altar and did not really know each other.

avatar kerrycontrary October 11, 2013, 10:20 am

It’s so so common the military. It gives them higher BAH (so more money each month!) and if they are deployed it makes them feel less lonely since they have someone waiting for them at home. Unfortunately they are still 19 and so are their wives, so the marriages don’t normally work out.

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 10:23 am

When I was in college, a friend of a friend and her BF got married solely incase he died and she could get his death benefits etc. He came back all PTSD messed up and violent and they ended up divorced with in 2 years of marriage. The whole concept was crazy to me.

avatar kerrycontrary October 11, 2013, 11:05 am

My boyfriend and I would get married right away if he was deployed for a myriad of reasons (benefits and pay being one of them), but we plan on getting married anyways. The military is a little overly-supportive of marriage and I think encourages people to get married more than they should. I think there should be a lot more pre-marital focus rather than financially “rewarding” people for getting married, when in reality it will financially ruin a lot of them in 2-3 years when they get divorced. My sister is in JAG and legally counsels a lot of people throughout their divorces and the whole thing is just a wreck.

GatorGirl GatorGirl October 11, 2013, 11:32 am

I felt so bad for this girl, I think she really wanted it to be her happily ever after, but he came back really messed up/refused to get help. I think there should be a lot more pre-marital focus across the board!

katie katie October 11, 2013, 11:58 am

absolutely. my very good friend just went through that, financial ruin and all, and i have heard about a lot more divorces from the people i went to junior high with… its a very sad cycle, it seems.

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 10:36 am

Yeah, my friend/FWB asked me to marry him when we were both like 19, 20? because he was in the Navy & wanted to get more money/give me money? I had no idea how it worked, but I said no. hahaha

bagge72 Bagge72 October 11, 2013, 9:48 am

LW1: Is wondering if she could make a creepy situation
LW2: Seems like a creepy situations.
LW3: Is a Creepy Situation

avatar SasLinna October 11, 2013, 9:58 am

Oh LW 1. You were let down easy. Do not leave any notes for him. It’s not cute.

avatar artsygirl October 11, 2013, 10:07 am

LW1: I know that you are able to FINALLY express your feelings to the hot office guy but seriously there is a line and leaving notes, random love baking, and being ‘more direct’ after telling him about your feelings is toeing up to a line which you do not want to cross. Don’t get a reputation as the office bunny boiler/stalker if you want to make friends and influence people. The ball is in his court – let him decide if he wants to pursue a relationship or not.

LW2: Have you actually sat down with your fiance to talk about this? I would suggest you work on the concrete things like pulling out a calendar and looking at possible dates even if it is a year or two off. Also, since he wants a full wedding, maybe start talking to him about the possible budget and how much you would need to put aside each month in order to pay for the wedding/honeymoon.

LW3: Why are you with him? He seems to make you miserable and you did not mention anything fulfilling in your letter. Seriously leave him.

katie katie October 11, 2013, 10:08 am

i think we should all practice more random love baking.

Addie Pray Addie Pray October 11, 2013, 10:09 am

Katie, when are you going to come over and put my rarely-used, under-appreciated super high-end appliances to work?

bagge72 Bagge72 October 11, 2013, 10:18 am

Please be a euphemism for lady parts.

Addie Pray Addie Pray October 11, 2013, 10:36 am

Bwhahahaha. Also, dammit, Bagge, now I have coffee spit up all over these non-compete agreements I’m marking up with edits.

bagge72 Bagge72 October 11, 2013, 10:54 am

Sorry! Also this kid has to be yours right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pulZ3jgLM6o&feature=player_embedded

Addie Pray Addie Pray October 11, 2013, 11:01 am

YES! I want that kid so bad.

bagge72 Bagge72 October 11, 2013, 11:10 am

You both love the same foods, and to talk about poop! Perfect.

Addie Pray Addie Pray October 11, 2013, 11:21 am

We love apples. Poutines. Pickle chips. Cheesestring. Peanut butter and raisins. Chocolate thingies. More chocolate thingies. Gummies. Everything!

CatsMeow CatsMeow October 11, 2013, 1:04 pm

That’s so cute. Here’s a poop story for you: I learned a move in belly dance on Wednesday and my teacher made a joke about how it would stimulate my colon and get everything moving. I told her, “Good! I haven’t pooped in a few days.” And then, guess what! I pooped. Magic belly dance colon-mobilizing moves are the new cure for constipation.

Addie Pray Addie Pray October 11, 2013, 1:49 pm

Haha Cats, that’s good to know! Soon someone’s gonna request that Wendy post a “Beware, contains comments by AP and Cats about poop” warnings.

avatar Sue Jones October 11, 2013, 10:40 am

Just don’t let her use your new high end stovetop and 3 qt. stainless steel pot to boil a bunny! “Random love baking” hahahahah!

avatar artsygirl October 11, 2013, 10:34 am

My mind keeps going back to Family Guy episode where Meg has a crush on Brian and she offers him a piece of apple pie. When he asks what is in it she says something like ‘apples, sugar, my hair – yes Brian you have eaten my hair and now I am inside you. Can you feel me inside you?’

KKZ KKZ October 11, 2013, 1:51 pm

Doesn’t Peter or Lois later punch Brian after he says “she made me eat her hair pie?” LOL

That said, Family Guy has realllllly gone downhill. I can’t watch that shit anymore because I’m rolling my eyes or being grossed out the entire time. Or maybe I’m just getting old.

avatar rachel October 11, 2013, 3:10 pm

I stopped watching a couple years ago. I think it went downhill, or else we’re both old.

KKZ KKZ October 11, 2013, 4:09 pm

Actually I figured it out a while ago, why Seth McFarland’s comedy doesn’t do it for me – I’m actually too young. He is SO very Gen X and aims his comedy directly at people his own age, who grew up watching the same shows and movies, reading the same comic books, and hearing the same music he did. I swear 80% of the references and cutaways in that show go right over my head because I was too young to experience most of that stuff.

Unfortunately my husband quotes FG and American Dad alllll the time, to the point that I don’t even think he knows when he’s doing it. He’s always been a referencer, peppering conversations with oddball quotes from Waynes World and ALF and James Bond and This is Spinal Tap (like, anytime I say something is sexist, he dons the English accent and says “What’s wrong with being sexy?”). And it’s usually really good for making friends and acquaintances laugh, but I’ve heard every line he knows in every possible context and sometimes he pouts that I’m not laughing at his jokes anymore. And it’s like, well, you’ve been using the same lines and referencing the same media since we were 15, what do you expect? Get some new material!

I can just see us when we’re 80 and in our hover-rockers and all doped up on meds and he keeps calling me Lois…

avatar Sue Jones October 11, 2013, 10:29 am

LW1 – No. Leave him alone.
LW2 – 20 or 21 is way too young to get married in my world. Go to college, travel, get some life experience. You started dating this “man” when you were only 16? How old is he? And he has already been married and divorced? And all this before you were even 16? In some states that is considered statutory rape! Geeze, I just don’t get this rush to the altar. Just cool your jets for a while. It is about the relationship and not about the frickin WEDDING! And maybe he is reticent to get married because he already had a failed one. Seriously, chill out!

LW3 – MOA, you are too old to be treated this way by a friggin boyfriend! . Grow up! It is not like you are even, for example “married to this guy with kids and a mortgage in a 30 year marriage” to be putting up with this shit. Really! Nothing ties you to him except for your own misguided belief that a terrible relationship is better than no relationship. MOA and get some good therapy to work on your self esteem issues!

avatar Lo October 11, 2013, 10:43 am

“I would not cook for him or leave notes in his desk unless you want to be the token office psycho.” – LOL!

avatar cdobbs October 11, 2013, 11:05 am

LW3 i dated a guy exactly like your boyfriend….he was constantly flirting with other girls right in front of me or telling me about all the hot girls that he worked with or hung out with….when i would tell him it bothered me he did absolutely nothing to change his behaviour….he was also one of those people who is never wrong and never listened (maybe we dated the same guy, lol!)….the funniest part was after years this behaviour i finally broke up with him and he lost his mind, crying and telling me i was his soul mate and promising to treat me with respect, but it was too late at that point….i had no more feelings for him at all (except tremendous dislike)….he will still send me messages on facebook or email to ask how i’m doing and to see if i want to hang out, but i just ignore him….long story short MOA you deserve better!

avatar Laura Hope October 11, 2013, 11:10 am

LW#3 I see yours and his behaviors as different manifestations of insecurity. He’s playing the narcissistic braggart and you’re the “poor me” wet dishrag. I would recommend working on yourself–possibly with a professional–so that you can see what’s motivating your behavior. If you change, he’ll either be forced to change (you can’t mistreat someone who doesn’t engage), or the relationship will die a natural death. Either way, you’ll emerge with self-knowledge, which is the first step to self-esteem.

avatar Amber October 11, 2013, 11:10 am

Okay ummmm WHAT?

They are 20 and 21, have been together for 4 YEARS, and the guy has an ex wife??

avatar Liquid Luck October 11, 2013, 2:52 pm

Just to clarify, SHE is 20 (almost 21), we have no idea how old her fiance is. But we’re all assuming he’s a lot older and super creepy for dating a teenager.

avatar Amber October 11, 2013, 4:55 pm

ohhhh oops read that wrong.

avatar Boosker October 11, 2013, 11:23 am

Oh man, Wendy, I almost wish you had encouraged letter writer #1 to cook for him, if only for the hilarious update that would be imminent.

Addie Pray Addie Pray October 11, 2013, 11:28 am

Once some friends and I made a giant penis-shaped cookie out of family size cookie dough. It was the same length and girth of a friend’s now husband’s penis – the dimensions seems so huge that none of us could really visualize what a penis of that size would look like so we made a cookie replica. Point is, I agree with you and wish LW1 had been advised to go ahead and make something, and maybe just maybe she could have gone a step further and made penis cookies or booby cookies. Then when she got fired for harassment and sued I could have defended the company. We were so close to all of that happening, rats.

Red_Lady Red_Lady October 11, 2013, 11:46 am

Did you bake the penis cookie, or just leave it as dough? I think I want to make one, because then it would be crispy-cooked on the outside, but the inside would still be delicious dough, right?

katie katie October 11, 2013, 12:01 pm

ok just so no one actually tried this- it wont keep the shape of a penis as it cooks. it would bake out, like normal cookies do, so it would be flat on one side and kind of round on the other.

the more you know….

haha

Red_Lady Red_Lady October 11, 2013, 12:06 pm

But if the girth was so big that no one believed it, I feel like it’s pretty substantial. So unless you bake it for much longer than normal, it wouldn’t cook all the way through. And depending on what kind of dough you use, some spread more than others.

katie katie October 11, 2013, 12:18 pm

well, no. any cookie dough would spread to a weird not-penis shape. i mean, i guess from above, it would still look maybe like a penis outline or something, but it would not end up being a baked 3D version that looks the same as the dough it was sculpted out of. the sugar content is too high in cookies, thats why they spread in the first place. a cake-type batter would spread too, too much liquids AND sugars.

the only thing that wouldnt spread and flatten would be bread dough. OR, you could carve an already baked cake. or maybe a modified scone dough.

avatar jlyfsh October 11, 2013, 2:55 pm

it would look like it if AP had used the penis cake pan that I had when all of my friends were getting married a few years ago!

Red_Lady Red_Lady October 11, 2013, 2:59 pm

OK, I guess I was more excited about having a cookie w/ still raw cookie dough in the middle than something that looked like a penis. I know it wouldn’t keep the tube shape, but if it was big enough to begin with, there would still be some raw cookie dough inside. And that just sounds delicious!

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 3:02 pm

Aw Red_Lady, I’m sure there’s a way to do that. Like, somehow make a hollow cookie that, after it’s baked, you fill with cookie dough?

Red_Lady Red_Lady October 11, 2013, 3:04 pm

Or a hollow cupcake filled with cookie dough!!! I’m totally going to try that now! Thanks for the inspiration :)

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 11:53 am

She should make a penis cookie with icing writing on it that says “YOU” & then a vagina cookie with icing writing on it that says “ME”, & then leave the cookies on his desk. Bonus if she can interlock them in some way.

iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson October 11, 2013, 12:05 pm

Bonus if she uses white frosting.

Fabelle Fabelle October 11, 2013, 12:18 pm

hahaha YES

avatar Sue Jones October 11, 2013, 3:21 pm

Oh so subtle….

avatar bondbabe October 11, 2013, 4:28 pm

You crack me up!

I’m gonna have to ask my girlfriend who owns a cookie shop if she could actually make these. She can pretty much make any cookie shape. (Knowing her she probably already has the cutters for both “shapes.”)

avatar MCJ2011 October 11, 2013, 3:28 pm

My friends and I made a penis cake, frosted with a peachy color and used food dyed coconut for the pubs, for another friends bachelorette party. We had rented a limo to take us to AC for the night and we had the limo driver keep the penis cake on the front seat the entire time, we almost forgot it when the night was over, the driver was not having it! LOL

avatar jlyfsh October 11, 2013, 3:31 pm

yes! i did this to, only sadly it’s been like 8 years now since i’ve made one? my friends all married young and by the time i got married i had given away the pan. it just felt weird after a while, like oh look want to make lasagna in the penis pan?

but i was pretty good at making flesh colored icing. and i never thought of coconut. i always used chocolate sprinkles!

avatar jlyfsh October 11, 2013, 3:32 pm

*too

avatar MCJ2011 October 11, 2013, 3:43 pm

The good ole days LOL

You should totally make a penis lasagna! That would be awesome.

avatar painted_lady October 11, 2013, 5:04 pm

I would eat the shit out of penis lasagna. I like lasagna that much, I don’t care how the hell it’s shaped.

findingtheearth findingtheearth October 11, 2013, 11:48 am

From now on, I will just cook for boys. That sounds like a surefire way to lure them to me. Forget honesty and being direct…subtle cooking is the way to go.

avatar j2 October 11, 2013, 11:55 am

Facepalm Friday!

avatar Sue Jones October 11, 2013, 12:50 pm

Indeed.

avatar Liquid Luck October 11, 2013, 12:32 pm

First off, all three LWs need to just MTFOA.

LW1, how exactly are you going to pull off “just cook[ing] for him?” Would you gook an elaborate meal and bring it into his office? Would you invite him over for dinner? What if he says no, how will you “just cook” for him then? I am fascinated by how easy you think it is to cook your way into this man’s heart/pants.

avatar MsMisery October 11, 2013, 1:16 pm

Maybe going to secretly slip a pot roast in his desk? Like the notes?

avatar Miss MJ October 11, 2013, 1:42 pm

You know, there are days were I could appreciate randomly finding a homemade dinner in my desk drawer.

Red_Lady Red_Lady October 11, 2013, 3:02 pm

Yeah, but then you’d have to worry about whether it was drugged or something, and just end up throwing it away, possibly wasting a perfectly good meal. But if everyone was just nice and had good intentions, then yeah, that’d be a pretty sweet deal!

avatar Liquid Luck October 11, 2013, 3:14 pm

There are days when I would risk being drugged if it meant not having to cook dinner. Although I’d take it home to eat by myself, just in case it was laced.

bagge72 Bagge72 October 11, 2013, 1:48 pm

I’m guessing she meant more like baking, maybe leaving him a plate full of his favorite cookies laced with some special sex drug that Addie has never heard of, and Rainbow has done before.

JK JK October 11, 2013, 1:51 pm

This is TOTALLY gross. But app. there´s this “spell” women can do, gathering menstrual blood and lacing food/or drink for the guy they want to fall in love with them. Someone I know knows of a case.
It is soooo disgusting I can´t even believe I´m talking about it. .

avatar jlyfsh October 11, 2013, 2:01 pm

Wow. That’s creepy.

bagge72 Bagge72 October 11, 2013, 2:04 pm

Did it work!?

avatar Liquid Luck October 11, 2013, 3:11 pm

Yeah, I mean, if it worked then that totally negates the grossness of unknowingly eating someones discarded uterine lining, right?

avatar MCJ2011 October 11, 2013, 3:24 pm

eww what did i just stumble into! GROSS

The answer is NEVER to leaving notes on a person’s desk who you told you were into and didn’t respond.

Also, cookies are nice. I love a cookie, who doesn’t love a cookie unless cookies have that spell with menstrual blood. UGH people are sick!

rainbow rainbow October 11, 2013, 3:48 pm

That’s only until Addie comes visit us in the summer. Send her my way BHAHAHAHA.

Lindsay Lindsay October 11, 2013, 7:22 pm

Saying you don’t believe someone has a crush on you is a way to stall and change the subject. If he were interested, he would have said something expressing his agreement, not just ruminating on whether you’d showed signs of it or not.

rainbow rainbow October 11, 2013, 9:18 pm

“I like you”
“NO you don’t”
“Ok”

….

???

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