Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “Should I Let My Boyfriend Get a Sugar Mama?”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

My boyfriend wants to get a sugar mama and I’m having one hell of a time with being okay with this. Should I let him try it? But what if he can’t leave her or won’t, and then it’s just me? I’m so afraid of what to do. I would greatly appreciate the response with the help I need. — Not a Sugar Mama

 
What do you mean when you say that if he won’t leave her, it’s just you? Do you mean that you’re afraid of being single? I promise you, being single is not the end of the world. It’s actually a much better position than dating a guy who’s sleeping with other women for money and then living in fear of his developing an emotional and/or financial dependence on them to the point that he can’t or won’t leave. YOU should be the one leaving. Like, now. And always, always, always use protection when you have sex.

Why is it that my boyfriend likes to talk about me behind my back and, when I confront him, he tells me I’m hearing shit and that I’m stupid? He also likes to go on dating sites, but he tells me I’m the one who has cheated. — Not the Cheater

 
I think the better question here is: Why are you still with this loser? MOA.

My boyfriend proposed to me when I was pregnant, but a few weeks after I gave birth, he took the ring off me and returned it. His reason was because supposely I’m not worthy of a ring because I don’t work, I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I don’t help pay bills around the house. He says he loves me only because I’m the mother of his baby. He hardly ever wants to sleep with me in the same bed, he usually always finds a reason why to argue with me even if I’m not doing anything to him, and he doesn’t always eat what I cook for him. After he returned the ring, he said he felt better and that, even though he still loves me, it’s as the mother of his baby. I’m so heartbroken. I feel like I should just leave him and move on, but then I think about the baby and think it’s best to just stay with him for the the baby’s happiness in the future. — Heartbroken

 
No, your baby won’t be “happy” living with two people who resent each other and have no desire or interest in being in a relationship. Beyond that, it doesn’t sound as if you really have a choice anyway. Your baby’s father returned your engagement ring and told you you aren’t worthy of it. Does that sound like someone who’s interested in continuing a relationship with you? It sounds to me like he’s broken up with you and is probably wondering why you haven’t gotten the very clear and loud hint. MOA and focus on being a good mother and co-parenting well with your baby’s father. (Pro tip: You’re going to need a source of income in addition to collecting child support.)

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

10 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Arra September 22, 2017, 9:22 am

    WTF is wrong with people?
    All of the LWs need to look in the mirror each morning and repeat the following: I love myself. I am a beautiful, unique spirit. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being loved and cherished by others. My worth is untarnished by my imperfections or the way others see me. I am worthy of good things. It is ok to want the best for myself and to pursue the things that bring me joy and happiness.
    Have some self-esteem! Putting up with another person’s bulls**t in name of love and at the cost of your self worth is not what’s up….

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  • Cleopatra Jones

    Cleopatra Jones September 22, 2017, 9:42 am

    Wait, what?
    Are these letters for real?!?!
    LW#1: Your boyfriend is essentially asking you to give him permission to have sex with other women. Um, he’s not going to have a sugar mama, he’s going to be out having sex with random women. If he needs more money, here’s a novel idea, how about a second job that doesn’t involve putting his dick in other women.

    LW#2: Any dude that tells you that you’re stupid to your face, is a grade ‘A ‘ asshat. He’s verbally abusing and disrespecting you to your friends. Here’s the thing…abuse in a relationship isn’t always physical, sometimes, it’s verbal or emotional. This is verbal abuse! Please please leave. Even if you don’t think that you deserve better, we KNOW that you deserve better. We want better for you!

    LW#3: He took the ring off your finger and told you that you don’t deserve it?!?! Like LW #2, this is abuse. In your case, verbal and emotional abuse. This isn’t going to get better. Do not subject your child to a father who abuses and disrespects its mother. If your child is a girl, this will teach her that it’s OK for men to treat her terribly and disrespect her. If your child is a boy, this will teach him this is how he should treat women. Please please leave. Even if you don’t think that you deserve better, we KNOW that you deserve better. We want better for you!

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  • avatar

    dinoceros September 22, 2017, 10:11 am

    I’m not even responding to the first two.

    LW3: It’s not actually better for a kid to have their parents together if one of the parents treats the other like crap. It teaches them either that it’s OK to treat someone like that or that it’s OK for them to accept that behavior. I assume you don’t want to teach your kid either of those things. Plenty of kids have separated parents and are fine. A lot more fine when their parents are happy than when their parents fight and are in misery.

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  • avatar

    Ron September 22, 2017, 10:40 am

    And if the child is a boy, this will teach him how to be an abuser and that being an abuser means he’s a strong, real man.

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  • avatar

    Janelle September 22, 2017, 10:53 am

    I also wondered if these were real.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie September 22, 2017, 11:07 am

    Oh dear. To all of the LWs – you are worthy of love and respect. You aren’t getting it from the people who are supposed to CHERISH you. They are treating you like garbage. You deserve better. Being with someone who is mean to you, abusive and cruel is NOT love. Sex is not love. Just because a guy can get an erection does not mean he loves you.

    LW #1 – your man is asking if it’s ok if he’s a prostitute. Prostitutes exchange sex for money.

    LW#2 – it’s called gaslighting. Google it. It’s mental/emotional abuse.

    LW#3 – he doesn’t love you. He accepts that he has a responsibility but he doesn’t respect you or love you.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny September 22, 2017, 12:37 pm

    Oof, these letters are just really sad. I hope they take the advice to heart.

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  • avatar

    Bittergaymark September 22, 2017, 2:20 pm

    LW1, LW2, and LW3 — Oh, honestly? Why even bother. Clearly, you are all BEYOND help.

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  • avatar

    anthea September 22, 2017, 3:23 pm

    i found these 3 messages incredibly hard to read.
    DW1…….if your guy wants a sugar mama you don’t want to be with him. For the fact that he doesn’t love you and #2, he is a lazy idiot who wants to a freebie in is life. You deserve way more.
    DW2……..thats called a narcissist . I was with one and it took me 2 long years to get rid of him> Trash him in the bin. There are so many more fish in the sea.
    DW3…..He is a pig, the fact he can degrade you the way he does. Throw him to the curb. Life will be so much better without him. You may not think so now, but you will realise it at a later stage. Let your baby be your number 1, but of course, not forgetting that you need someone too. Take it slowly tho. All will come together. But not with this idiot of a so called man. xx

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  • avatar

    Miss MJ September 22, 2017, 8:27 pm

    Late to getting to DW today. Super glad I started drinking before I read these. Gawd. Damn.

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