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Shortcuts: “Should I Tell My Boyfriend I’m Cheating on Him with My Ex?”

Update: So, this is embarrassing; it seems I have answered the same three letters from last week’s shortcuts. And I even re-edited them and answered them a little differently and didn’t realize I was answering the same damn letters! Clearly, I was distracted this week (in addition to my grandfather’s death, there were some other distractions and stresses). Everything is fine and I will be back to normal next week, but I’m sorry for the repeat performance today.

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I cheated on my live-in boyfriend of over a year with my ex-boyfriend. Should I tell my current boyfriend? Or is it fate my ex walked back into my life? We text — but as friends — and it’s like my feelings for him went away, but gradually came back the more we talked. I love my boyfriend to death, but he doesn’t give me the attention I need, or treat me like I’m his number one, unlike my ex who does. What should I do? — Number One

 
No, it’s not “fate” that you texted your ex so much you ended up back in the sack with him. And you don’t “love your boyfriend to death,” or you wouldn’t be cheating on him. Get real with yourself, get real with your boyfriend, and then cut him loose so you have the freedom to text and sext and whatever else it is you need in order to feel like number one.

I just found out that my husband has been searching Craigslist personal ads and I am devastated! The worst part is that I found more “M4M” searches then anything else. We talked about everything I found and he swears he’s not bisexual or gay; he says that we have been fighting so much that he has thought about being with men. Then how can he say he’s not into guys? He told me “he will never do it again.” Should I leave the marriage and let him find himself? To be honest, I don’t think I could ever look at him the same again. — Not a M4M

 
To be honest, I think your husband’s a big ol’ liar. If you have kids or have been together a long time, it might be worth trying therapy to see if you can save the marriage. If it’s just the two of you or if the marriage is still pretty young, I’d cut your losses and move on. This man is probably cheating on you, definitely lying to you, and likely has some issues he needs to work through before he can be a good partner to anyone.

My boyfriend used to cheat on his girlfriends before we were together. He told me he has been with multiple girls at a time — sometimes three in one night, which I think is terrible. We have known each other since I was 16, we just started dating a year ago, and it’s been great. I haven’t found any messages or calls from other women and he always comes home to me every night. We got engaged two months ago and he promised me on his dead grandpa’s grave that he does not want to be the man he was in his past and he does not cheat. He says that I’ve changed him and his world around in a good way and he wouldn’t do anything to lose me. But he called me and asked me if he could go out of town for work for 14 days and I don’t trust the men he is going with because I know for a fact they cheat on their wives/girlfriends. Should I let him go? Can I trust him? — Holding On to Dead Grandpa’s Grave

 
I think if you’re concerned about your boyfriend going on a business trip because you’re afraid he’s going to cheat on you, you probably shouldn’t be marrying the guy. Let him go… in more ways than one.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 56 comments… add one }

  • avatar CG September 20, 2013, 10:10 am

    Have I not had enough caffeine this morning (likely) or have we seen LW3 before? Anyway, WWS x3.

    • CatsMeow CatsMeow September 20, 2013, 10:12 am

      Haha. We’ve seen them all before. Deja Vu!

      • avatar CG September 20, 2013, 10:15 am

        The other two are reruns too? I did not even realize that. The only reason I remember LW3 is because of the dead grandpa line. Like I said, not enough caffeine today! :)

    • avatar tbrucemom September 20, 2013, 10:16 am

      Yep, thought I was going crazy!

      • Dear Wendy Wendy September 20, 2013, 11:22 am

        Nope, just me going crazy!! I can’t believe I answered the same letters twice. Sorry, you guys, definitely distracted this week…

        • othy othy September 20, 2013, 12:17 pm

          Going crazy, or having a good reason to be distracted? Hope everything is going as best in can considering the circumstances!

        • Cassie Cassie B September 21, 2013, 12:40 am

          No worries, it’s understandable.

  • kmentothat kmentothat September 20, 2013, 10:13 am

    Yup, they are all last week’s shortcuts Wendy!

  • bagge72 bagge72 September 20, 2013, 10:13 am

    I was so excited for short cuts, but I know Wendy has a lot on her plate so it is ok that it is the same as last week haha. Hey and it is differnet advice too, well at least worded differently, but we know she is consistent with the advice she gives!

    • bagge72 bagge72 September 20, 2013, 10:18 am

      Different

  • avatar quixoticbeatnik September 20, 2013, 10:14 am

    I was thinking the exact same thing, CG!

  • avatar Jodee September 20, 2013, 10:15 am

    2 feels off to me. I’ve known people to browse CL without really ever intending to email anyone off of it (and, yes, I’ve known gay people who look in the straight section and vice versa; people are naturally curious, and CL is one place to satisfy that virtually). That said, if she feels she has reason to doubt trust in this guy, she probably has reason.

  • avatar SasLinna September 20, 2013, 10:16 am

    Aren’t the answers different?

  • avatar sarolabelle September 20, 2013, 10:38 am

    The letters are slightly different as are the answers….poor Wendy.

    http://dearwendy.com/shortcuts-my-boyfriend-is-a-chronic-cheater/

  • avatar Sue Jones September 20, 2013, 11:11 am

    Facepalm Friday! One of the reasons that I love Dear Wendy is that it makes my life and my problems seem insignificant!

  • avatar TheOtherOtherMe September 20, 2013, 11:16 am

    Seen these before….

  • iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson September 20, 2013, 11:48 am

    Wendy do not ever apologize. I can’t even imagine how emotional this week has been for you. I have had a realllly long week as well (although I feel like a dick for saying it because it doesn’t even hold a candle to your week) and I didn’t even notice they were the same. I was kinda like “wtf is everyone talking about – oh it’s probably because after a while trainwreck LW’s all start to sound the same I get that”. So there’s that.

    Does that mean I have permission to threadjack this post and talk about me?

    • Fabelle Fabelle September 20, 2013, 11:54 am

      yes, totally post about you. I need even more distraction than usual this Friday, & this might as well become an open thread since we’re not all arguing about the letters :)

    • avatar GatorGirl September 20, 2013, 12:24 pm

      Seriously are you going to leave us hanging??

      • iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson September 20, 2013, 3:04 pm

        I don’t even know that I have anything to talk about, I just want to blab. Word vomit random musings. What’s everyone doing this weekend? Want to hear about how cute my boyfrand is? And how I got him to wear a husker t-shirt?

        • avatar applescruffs September 20, 2013, 4:04 pm

          5k and packing! Yay!

          • iwannatalktosampson iwannatalktosampson September 20, 2013, 4:11 pm

            YAY! When is the official departure? BTW did you check the denver meetups forum? I think there’s a kareoke one in the works and I thought of you :)

  • Fabelle Fabelle September 20, 2013, 11:53 am

    Aw Wendy, it’s okay— it was kind of interesting to see how similarly you answered the letters, with only small changes that probably reflected your state of mind (like some of the advice was more straightforward/concise)

  • katie katie September 20, 2013, 12:06 pm

    oh good, fab has deemed this an open thread so ill say- i have to get an ultra sound because i have a pain in the area where my ovaries are -ish. so thats weird. and my new gyno was like “fair warning- they are going to do a transvaginal one too” so…. its going to be an experience.

    • theattack theattack September 20, 2013, 12:08 pm

      Oh god, that is not fun. Good luck, Katie!

      • katie katie September 20, 2013, 12:10 pm

        is it not? does it hurt???

        • avatar GatorGirl September 20, 2013, 12:11 pm

          it didn’t hurt…it was like a big magic wand they shoved up in there. Similar to a speculum.

          • theattack theattack September 20, 2013, 12:12 pm

            Or like a miniature sized dildo.

            • avatar GatorGirl September 20, 2013, 12:16 pm

              haha, miniature?

              • theattack theattack September 20, 2013, 12:21 pm

                Okay, TMI… haha

        • theattack theattack September 20, 2013, 12:11 pm

          No, it doesn’t hurt at all. It’s just awkward, because stuff like that is always awkward. Sorry to freak you out.

          • katie katie September 20, 2013, 12:13 pm

            ok, good, thanks you guys.

            i think i can deal with it then. i still have to schedule it though. i dont even know if its covered by my insurance yet…

      • theattack theattack September 20, 2013, 12:10 pm

        Actually I realized that might freak you out. A transvaginal ultrasound is not nearly as bad as a pap smear, IMO, so you should be able to handle it. I’m just saying it’s not fun to have somebody poking around your vag with equipment, unless, you know, it IS fun. Either way, good luck! Whe nis it?

        • katie katie September 20, 2013, 12:11 pm

          oh ok, thats good. paps are tolerable.

          and yea, im imagining like a sex toy shaped thing just like… poking around. haha. im just hoping it doesnt hurt.

    • avatar GatorGirl September 20, 2013, 12:10 pm

      omg I had one of those a few years back, a transvaginal one, and holy moly. I was told to drink 64ounces of water and not pee before, which I followed. I showed up to my appointment literally ready to pee my pants. Since I was at the hospital (my doc’s office is there) my appointment time got bumped for a trauma patient and I waited like an hour. I almost peed on the tech by the time she got up in there. So she said if I ever have to get another one, drink less water since I’m a super hydrated person anyways.

      • avatar lemongrass September 20, 2013, 1:19 pm

        That’s the same deal with pregnancy ultrasounds, you have to have a full bladder and it is excruciating! Then they basically jam this ultrasound paddle on your tummy and move it around. And then they told me that my bladder was too full and go empty it just a little bit. Wtf! Who can empty a full bladder just a little bit? And when you have a baby sitting on your bladder!

        • avatar lemongrass September 20, 2013, 1:27 pm

          Also, since we are talking about paps, I just had my first one since popping out a baby and holy fuck it hurt so bad! Way more than it did before I had him. I seriously had to do breathing exercises. And restrain from kicking my doctor in the head be us he tells jokes when he is nervous and I was in lots of pain and he’s saying “get it? Get it?”

          But on the other hand, sex is finally not painful. And there is more than you needed to know about my lady-parts.

    • avatar Christy September 20, 2013, 12:20 pm

      I had to have a transvaginal ultrasound last year. It wasn’t actually that bad. I only drank 32 oz of water, which they said was totally fine. I still really had to pee, though.

      They stick something in you like a small dildo. It’s MUCH better than a speculum or pap smear. They use lots of lube, so it’s really NBD. It was honestly less invasive than my annual gyno exam (even without the pap).

      • Fabelle Fabelle September 20, 2013, 12:22 pm

        Wait, WHY do they make you drink so much?? It’s better to have a full bladder?

        • avatar GatorGirl September 20, 2013, 12:23 pm

          The full bladder creates a darker background for your ovaries etc.

          • Fabelle Fabelle September 20, 2013, 12:25 pm

            Whoaa that’s so cool

        • avatar Mara September 21, 2013, 6:33 am

          When you have a transvaginal ultrasound when you are early in your pregnancy (~6-8 weeks), a full bladder helps prop up the uterus more so a better picture can be seen.

    • avatar bethany September 20, 2013, 12:26 pm

      I had the TC Ultrasound before. It didn’t hurt anymore than a regular pap.

      Good luck, I hope everything is ok.

    • avatar marin September 20, 2013, 12:27 pm

      Ok, so I had surgery for cysts in my ovaries so I have had maybe 10 transvaginal ultrasounds in the last 5 years… and they are not a big deal. They are kind of awkards because the doctors comes at you with this wand with a condom and lube on it… but it’s not really bad at all, mostly uncomfortable when they start moving it around. But I never had to drink that much water! In fact, they always tell me to pee right before.

      • avatar GatorGirl September 20, 2013, 12:29 pm

        Maybe it depends on what they are looking for? Haha. The full bladder was the absolute worse part of the whole experience.

        • avatar marin September 20, 2013, 12:31 pm

          I did have to drink a lot of water for a regular ultrasound, and I also almost peed myself because I drank the whole amount an hour before, instead of OVER the course of the hour… so yeah, I could barely walk when I was done!

    • katie katie September 20, 2013, 12:36 pm

      ah, thanks for all the reassurance, guys! i was kind of worried about that part but i feel better about the whole thing now.

      my gyno said this is just a safer-then-sorry situation. its probably nothing, and she couldnt feel anything abnormal when she did the internal two fingers in and pushing on your stomach thing, and she did a number on me with that part too. so its just in case.

      • Fabelle Fabelle September 20, 2013, 12:46 pm

        My gyno pushed super hard on me also the last time I went— which was almost a month ago, which reminds me (since I didn’t get a call, & “no news is good news”) that my HPV must’ve cleared totally. YAY (it’s been clear for the past 2 years, but they make you wait like 4 appointments/pap smears where nothing shows to be like “you’re good! you can come annually instead of biannually now!”)

        So just wanted to share that. A bit TMI, but I forgot all about it this week when the “good news thread” was up :) haha

        • katie katie September 20, 2013, 12:49 pm

          yay! thats great to hear!

      • theattack theattack September 20, 2013, 12:51 pm

        Thanks for the reminder to schedule my gyno appointment, Katie! Just got it done. I was about to run out of birth control too, so that’s a relief!

        • katie katie September 20, 2013, 12:54 pm

          haha, no problem! thanks for letting me know that the ultrasound wont hurt!

    • avatar Addie Pray September 20, 2013, 1:25 pm

      katie’s pregnant!

      • katie katie September 20, 2013, 1:30 pm

        not funny.

        in non-pregnancy news, my insurance is being run for an IUD as we speak!

  • avatar marin September 20, 2013, 12:23 pm

    Poor Wendy! I hope you are doing well after such a crazy week, and I hope you have a nice weekend!

    BUT I really liked this line that was not there last week: “No, it’s not “fate” that you texted your ex so much you ended up back in the sack with him.” So, so true! It’s not really fate that he came back in your life if he never really left…

  • avatar painted_lady September 20, 2013, 12:56 pm

    Okay. I was having a particularly dopey morning and kept thinking they sounded familiar, but I’ve made several other very silly mistakes so far today, I figured it was me.

    Good god, I’m glad it’s Friday. So sorry you’re having such a rough week, Wendy!

  • avatar Addie Pray September 20, 2013, 12:57 pm

    GOD DAMNIT, WENDY, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, HOLY SHIT BALLS. <—- (kidding!)

    For what it's worth, I didn't notice because I was on vacation last week so I enjoyed this week's trainwrecks just the same.

    Iwanna, please tell us about your week!

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