Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I Carry On With the Guy I Met Three Weeks Ago Who Has a Baby on the Way?”

Today, we’ve got three letters in one column:

WTF

I met a guy about three weeks ago who came here on business and then he left. Before he left, he told me he had a long-distance girlfriend and they were trying to “figure things out.” When he got back home, she told him she was pregnant and was moving back to be with him. Of course, this being his first child, he will want to be a part of the kid’s life. So, I’m wondering if I should carry on with him? I have really fallen for this guy and, after being single for a while, I do not want to go back to that again. Please help. What should I do? — Not Into Being Single


You met the guy three weeks ago and knew him for what — a few days? — before he returned home? You haven’t “really fallen” for him. You’ve fallen for the idea of not being single. But guess what, being single and having the opportunity to meet someone who might be emotionally and physically available to you is a hell of a lot better than being tied up with some guy in another town who has an on-again-off-again girlfriend and a baby on the way. Also, this baby being the guy’s first or twenty-first child shouldn’t determine whether he wants to be involved in its life. A decent man would always want to be involved in his kid’s life no matter how many other babies came before. And if you’re ever involved with a man who tells you otherwise, that’s a huge sign that the guy’s a loser and you need to MOA. (Another sign you need to MOA: He lives far away, has a girlfriend and a baby on the way, and you’ve known him for a few days).

I’m 22 years old and I’ve had the same roommate for about two years. For the last eleven months, she has been late on bills and rent (which are in my name). She got fired from her job that I helped her get and she quit school, so now she has no income and she’s depending on her parents each month, which can sometimes be difficult because they have a household to take care of as well. My boyfriend of two years is 22 and lives with family members. They use him and try to take all of his money; he hates living there, but he has no other place to go. We really want to move in together because of our situations, but we both know it’s wrong because we are not married yet. What should we do? We both cannot take these living conditions any longer. And I don’t know what to do. We have been praying about it though. — Praying About It

 
First of all, do you think living together before marriage is really “wrong,” or is that something you know your parents believe and you don’t want to upset them? I would suggest doing some soul-searching about why you think it’s wrong. If it’s because you have a religion that says premarital sex is wrong, then… well, probably actually having sex before marriage is the bigger “sin” than sharing an address. And if you’re already having sex, what difference does it make if you live together? That said, moving in with a significant other “because of your situations” is not a great reason to shack up.

There are other ways to address your “situation” that don’t involve moving your relationship to a step neither of you is ready for. (Check this list to see how ready you are to move in with someone). One thing each of you could do is get different roommates. You could kick out your current roommate and find another friend, friend of a friend, or well-vetted person online to move in with you — someone who has a job and can pay her bills on time. And your boyfriend could stop giving all his money to the family he’s staying with and find someone who has an apartment and needs a roommie. This isn’t really that hard. You’re both 22 — technically adults. Find roommates who don’t take advantage of you and don’t compromise the status of your relationship.

From the forums:

I have been married for three years, and six months ago I lost my job and have had part-time temp jobs ever since. They are keeping me busy and bringing in some money to help with the bills. My husband is taking a trip to visit his family overseas. I have never met them, but I wasn’t invited to go with him. I have told my husband that I feel bad that I don’t get to go. He said we can’t afford it. He paid $1200 for his ticket, and then he bought gifts for an additional thousand dollars. I asked my husband, since he is going to be gone for three weeks, if we can at least buy my cousin a ticket to fly here and keep me company while he is gone. He told me NO and that I haven’t contributed enough to the household for him to buy my cousin a ticket. It made me feel I am not good enough. — Not Good Enough

 
Good enough for what? Good enough to be treated decently? I would be more offended that he has no interest in introducing you to his family than that he won’t buy a ticket for your cousin to come stay with you for three weeks. And why do you need someone staying with you? You’re a grown adult, right? Do you have physical or mental issues that require aid? If not, there’s no reason a grown adult can’t live on her own for three weeks. But that’s not what this is really about. This is about your not feeling loved by your husband and that’s what you need to address when you sit down and talk with him about the state of your marriage. Tell him how much it hurts that he’d rather spend money on gifts for his family instead of a plane ticket to fly you with him to meet them. Ask whether he truly sees you as a wife, or simply as a roommate whom he expects to be contributing her equal share of the household expenses. Because in a longterm marriage there will be times when one person contributes more financially, and, if he’s keeping score and is penalizing you for your lower financial household contribution, that’s not really a marriage. At any rate, it sounds like you would benefit from some couples counseling and should consider a trial separation down the line if things don’t improve.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

10 comments… add one
  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine October 25, 2016, 9:13 am

    LW1….girl, come on. I’ve gone through being unhappily single for a loooong time and absolutely get how much it can suck but a dude you don’t know who has a girlfriend and a baby on the way is not your ticket to happiness or anything but a whole lot of ridiculous drama. Aim so much higher.

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      zombeyonce October 25, 2016, 12:05 pm

      And the LW didn’t even describe his girlfriend as on-again, off-again, just that they were “trying to figure things out”. My thought is that to him and the girlfriend (if she’s even aware that they’re trying to work it out and not just fine), that just means that they’re trying to decide what to do about the distance. Considering that, it seems like they’ve made some serious plans to be together if she’s moving to be with him.
      .
      And c’mon, she’s having his baby and moving for him. THEY’RE STILL TOGETHER. LW, you have no chance of a relationship here that’s anything but a side piece and everyone deserves better than that. Don’t subject yourself to that kind of heartache. Aim higher and don’t confuse infatuation for love as you look for a partner.

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        artsygirl October 25, 2016, 1:20 pm

        Agree 100% – The fact that he didn’t bother to mention the girlfriend until he was about to leave and then immediately sprung the baby news leads me to think that A)girlfriend and he are absolutely fine and he wanted a fling and B) he likely knew about the baby before he even hooked up with the LW and perhaps was having fun before he has to settle down and be a father. Basically he cheated on his pregnant girlfriend and the LW wants to continue on though it sounds like he has shown no overt sign that he wants to continue with the affair.

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        artsygirl October 25, 2016, 1:30 pm

        Also anyone else confused by the timeline? Basically she has known guy for three weeks and only a part of that time he was in the same location as her (lack of details does not address how far away he lives and how long she actually saw him face to face before he left to return home). So lets say he was on a business trip for 3 days, and would spend 8 hours at work and the rest of his time with her, they maybe hung out for a total 48 hours. No matter what, I would not consider that a relationship – they were dating and obviously casually since he failed to mention the little detail of having a girlfriend.

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        dinoceros October 25, 2016, 4:04 pm

        Definitely sounds like he was cheating on his girlfriend but making it sound less bad, and then wanting to disengage from the LW once he had gone back home.

        I also find it amusing how she specifies that he must want to be involved with the child because it’s his first, as though a second child wouldn’t be worth the effort of parenting it.

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        zombeyonce October 26, 2016, 3:00 pm

        I know I like my first kid, but my second isn’t worth my time. You’re old news, kiddo. Been there, done that. /s

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    artsygirl October 25, 2016, 9:17 am

    LW1 – Seriously listen to Wendy. In all likelihood you are a vacation hook up for this guy and nothing more. Claiming he is trying to ‘work things out’ with his girlfriend and then dropping the baby bombshell makes me think he was never interested in pursuing a relationship with you. Take the hint and move on.

    LW2 – When is your lease up? Let your slacker roommate that you plan to leave at the end of the lease and that she will have to find alternative housing. Decide what you want regarding your living arrangement. Could you move into a smaller and cheaper place and live by yourself? Can you find another roommate? Are you and your boyfriend ready to move in together? You need to figure out what you want first and then figure out the path on how to achieve it.

    LW3 – Your husband is a jackass.

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  • findingtheearth

    Findingtheearth October 25, 2016, 10:57 am

    LW1: there are a lot of things more horrible than being single. Pursuing a guy who is about to have a family is one of them

    Lw3: a marriage shouldn’t be a “who does enough” competition. Especially since you’ve been trying.

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    dinoceros October 25, 2016, 12:05 pm

    If a guy tells you that he has a baby on the way, run. It’s not going to turn out well.

    You don’t get a free pass to try to date someone who is starting a family simply because you don’t enjoy being single. Lots of people are single and live through it.

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    Northern Star October 25, 2016, 2:47 pm

    LW: What makes you think “carrying on” with that guy is even a possibility? He might screw you once in awhile when he comes to town on business—hey, he cheated on his girlfriend with you once, so he could do it again! But he basically moved away and told you he was with someone else.

    You have no chance here, even if you wanted one. YOU ARE SINGLE NOW. Deal with it.

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