For the next several months, we saw each other intermittently. There was more talking, more touching. He moved to a block away from me, and I thought we’d be hanging out all the time. I should admit that due to my fear and defensive personality, I never contacted him first. I was too afraid! So I would wait for him to contact me, which turned out to be roughly once every few weeks.
Eventually, we ended up having sex at the end of one of those nights. The next day I left town for a few weeks for Christmas. He texted me several times while I was away, conversationally and playfully. Right before I returned, he called to tell me that a few days after our encounter, he suspected he had an STD. He didn’t accuse me, but I didn’t defend myself either, although maybe I should have? When I came back to town, he called again to tell me the results were negative but he thought the results were a false-negative. I didn’t know what to say. Even though I had been tested shortly before our encounter, I felt that insisting on my innocence would seem crass. So I just let it hang there. He asked me if I had gone in for testing, and I said no. (After this, I did go: negative.)
A few weeks after not hearing from him, I asked him to hang out and he said yes. We went out to a bar where we had a great conversation and a lot of fun. We walked back to my place and there was more flirting and touching, just like before. But he was far too drunk, so I couldn’t say anything to him by the time I got the courage to do so. He ended up curling into my lap and falling asleep. I put a blanket on him and went to bed. He texted me the next day, and that was nice, but then I didn’t hear from him for a while. After about a month (we are finally getting to present day), he asked me to see a movie but I said I was busy.
And here we are. I have a lot of conflicting feelings about the way we’ve both behaved. I can’t shake this feeling that there is unspoken business. I want so badly to let him know how much I care about him, and yet we are not speaking. Whose fault is that? Is it mine for my defensive behavior, or does he just not really care about me? Perhaps the answer is right in front of my face and I am choosing to ignore it. It breaks me into pieces thinking that I am missing out on someone I have the capacity to love, and maybe all I needed to do was reach out. Or maybe I need to just move on with my life. Even if I wanted to reveal my feelings now, I would have no idea how to do so. He is a block away from me right this second. — Scared to Share my Feelings
Oh my good lord. What is with all this drama and drawing things out and the “we aren’t speaking” and “maybe I need to move on with my life”? And the whole STD plot line is so bizarre, too. It reminds me of when a girl freaks out that she might be pregnant because she’s slept with a guy once or twice and feels woozy even though her period isn’t due for, like, three days and so she tells this guy she’s freaking out in some effort to escalate things between them and then he’s all, “Holy crap.” But then her period starts three days later just like it’s supposed to and she’s all, “False alarm! Wow, that was scary, right?!” like it’s a bonding thing they share now. And he’s all, “Uh, yeah. Ok.” And then the mood is sort of busted and it’s this weird thing that hangs between them for a while.
I don’t know if this guy is into you or not. But I do know that you’ll have a much better sense if you finally screw together some courage and tell him already that you have feelings for him and would like to date if he has any interest in seeing if there might be something between you. Yes, it will be scary — not as scary as a pregnancy or STD scare, though! — but the relief you’ll feel when you have an answer, whether it’s the one you want to hear or not, will be worth it. After reading this long email, several paragraphs of which I edited out for brevity (!), I can only imagine how this self-inflicted drama must be eating you up. So, get on with it, girl. There are better things for a 22-year-old recent college grad to be focusing her energy on than some played-out “Is he or isn’t he?” story line.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter.