She then started staying away quite regularly — once a week and then it became more frequent with her reason always being the excessive traveling her job required. I became more and more concerned and one night decided to check her phone (wrong, I know, but I needed answers). As I scrolled through her messages, I came across one that made me feel physically sick when I read it. She had been sexting with someone from her work; the texts were the most explicit I have ever read, so much so I did not even read them all as I felt physically sick.
I immediately challenged her and she has obviously admitted to them, but says she has not slept with him. I asked how long it had gone on and she said nine months. She said it was always just texts and it was never going to lead to anything else.
I feel emotionally drained by the whole situation and don’t know if I believe her because I feel she is not telling me the entire truth although she says she is. I now find myself wanting to look through her phone, and I keep asking her the same questions, but still she denies she slept with him. I just don’t get it. I’m now torn between forgiving her and trying to rebuild our relationship or just leaving her. Will I ever be able to forgive her? I don’t know. I love her very much, but how can I know if she is being honest with me?
She is away again tonight and all I can think of is that they are in a hotel together. I feel so sad that I just don’t know what to do. Is sexting forgivable if she hasn’t slept with the guy or is it cheating regardless? — Fiancée’s Been Sexting
So . . . you don’t trust her, your sex life sucks, she’s coming up with excuses to stay away from you, she’s been emotionally cheating (if not physically cheating) for at least nine months, and, after twenty-three years together as a couple and two years of being engaged, you still haven’t gotten married because you were refused “financing for the wedding”? I don’t even know what that means. If you really wanted to get married, you could go down to the courthouse, tie the knot, and celebrate over dinner with friends afterwards. But you don’t really want to get married. And you shouldn’t, either.
What you should do is decide together if this relationship is worth trying to save or if, after twenty-three years, it has run its course and it’s time for you two to go your separate ways. If you both legitimately want to try to salvage whatever it is that you once had, you need to seek the help of a couples counselor. There are trust issues, commitment issues, sex issues and who knows what else to deal with and history has proven that you can’t deal with it alone. If you decide to cut your losses and go your own way, there’s no shame in that. Twenty-three years is a very long time to be with someone, so of course it will feel sad to move on. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right choice. What it means is that you love each other and yourselves enough to give the gift of freedom and to stop fighting for something that no longer brings joy.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.