Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I Have a Baby For Him?”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss having babies to keep a guy, hating your fiancé, and being a secret from the other woman.

I’m a single mother who has one daughter and I’m currently in a relationship. My boyfriend wants to have a baby and I don’t want any more. If/when I decide to have another child, I would like to get married first and then have a baby. The problem is he wants to have a baby before he’s 30 and he’s now 29. Also, I’m currently studying which means I don’t have time for another baby. My daughter is four and I’m really trying to be a good mom for her.

My boyfriend is a great guy but I really feel this is gonna be one of our biggest issues. Is it selfish to let my boyfriend wait until I’m through with my studies, which will be in three years, before having a baby? — Worth Waiting?

 
Please re-read your second sentence: “My boyfriend wants to have a baby and I don’t want any more.” Yeah, no shit this is gonna be one of your biggest issues. It’s called a deal-breaker and it’s time to MOA.

I am stuck in the fast lane and I do not know what to do! In ’10 I sold my company and jumped into a relationship with a guy friend that escalated into puppies, engagement, baby (born in June), house (closed this week), and now wedding date… sorta. He bugs me to pick a date, but I’m having trouble. He is a great catch and treats me really well, and has been supporting me in whatever I want or need, but I feel trapped. I’m forcing myself to pick a date and am going along to make him happy (fake it ’til you make it approach). I really don’t appreciate him… If anything I strongly dislike him most of the time, even though he’s fantastic to me, our son, our animals, etc. I’m the bad guy for not being satisfied and I cannot figure how to make myself love this situation – it’s a fantastic one!! But I kinda, sorta hate this life. WHY!!? I can’t leave after buying a house, having a baby and pets… I’m the worst. Why don’t I love him in the way I should? How do I handle this? — Unable to Pull the Trigger

 
My armchair analysis is that you don’t believe you deserve this “fantastic” life and, obviously, have a commitment phobia that probably has more to do with you and whatever baggage you’re carrying than it does with your fiancé. For the sake of your family, please seek therapy — both individual and couple’s therapy. Sounds like you have quite a lot you’d be throwing away by continuing to “fake” happiness instead of digging deep and dealing with what’s blocking you from truly feeling it.

I am recently engaged (2 months). My fiancé has a female friend whom he refuses to even tell that I exist because he doesn’t want to hurt her. I know that this person is in love with my fiancé. They never dated although she wanted to. He has periodically kept in touch with her (she is the one who initiates the contact), but he says he does this to be polite. The last time he responded to her was back in mid-July. She texts about every week or so, and he says eventually she will stop. I have contemplated contacting this person to let her know that he is engaged and living with me. She is the only individual who is unaware we are engaged. If she is a true friend, she would be happy for him. Am I nuts? — Not a Secret

 
Tell your fiancé that he hurts you by keeping you a secret from a woman he has regular and ongoing communication with, and, if he is more concerned with her feelings that yours, you’re confused as to why it’s you he chose to propose to. Frankly, I’d be very concerned about marrying a man who thinks that secrecy is the best way to protect a woman’s feelings, and I would be wondering what truth he was “protecting” me from. Tread very carefully…

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

87 comments… add one
  • avatar

    katiebird September 21, 2012, 9:05 am

    New rule, if you need to ask an advice columnist about whether or not you should have a baby, the answer will always be no. Babies and sex are in the categories of things that will only escalate previously existing relationship problems, not solve them.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery September 21, 2012, 2:02 pm

      Yes. Never ever ever create a human being *for* another person. Most of the time I don’t think people should even do it for themselves. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE FIRST!!!

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  • avatar

    Desiree September 21, 2012, 9:06 am

    Okay, the 2nd LW’s way of describing her child kinda bugs me. It sounds like her baby is just another accessory in her “fantastic life,” and not her child who deserves her to prioritize him. Or maybe I just haven’t had caffeine yet and am reading it wrong.

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    • avatar

      ktfran September 21, 2012, 9:19 am

      Agreed. LW 2’s letter annoyed me in general. Sorry LW 2.

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    • avatar

      lemongrass September 21, 2012, 9:43 am

      She doesn’t refer to her kid without also referring to their pets. That really irritates me, maybe it’s just a personal pet peeve but I can’t stand it when people put their pets on the same pedestal as children.

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    • LK7889

      LK7889 September 21, 2012, 10:35 am

      I think that’s another symptom of her emotional instability. She needs therapy very badly and possibly even medication. I feel bad for her child.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle September 21, 2012, 11:07 am

      I dunno, the tone & issue in general annoyed me, but I think in that specific part, she’s just trying to quickly paint a picture of “Ideal Suburban Life.” House, baby, puppies, wonderful man who loves her.

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      • avatar

        Desiree September 21, 2012, 11:24 am

        I understand what your saying. My concern is that, in thinking about changing her “Ideal Suburban Life,” she needs to think about her child a little differently than everything else. Houses can be sold and lovers can be left, but her child deserves her full commitment. And from the perspective that her fiance is her child’s father (and apparently a very good father), he deserves consideration as well.

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      • avatar

        Desiree September 21, 2012, 11:26 am

        Ugh, hate when I use “your” instead of “you’re.”

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  • avatar

    muffy September 21, 2012, 9:10 am

    LW1: So he’s willing to have a kid with you right now but not get married? You know that having a kid with someone ties them to you forever right? WHY WOULD YOU CONSIDER HAVING THIS MAN’S KID WHEN A) YOU DON’T WANT ANY MORE KIDS AT THE TIME B) YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED BEFORE ANY MORE. There’s such a thing as your own wants and needs. Respect them. Any man who leaves over something like that wasn’t looking for a real relationship – just a stomach to grow his must-have-before-30 baby.

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    • avatar

      Anna September 21, 2012, 9:44 am

      That was my first thought too. I was with someone for many years who wanted to have kids with me but didn’t want to get married. I refuse to have babies before I’m married and we ended up breaking up. Can you imagine the fucked up situation our kids would be in if I had “given him children to make him happy” like LW1 is considering?

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle September 21, 2012, 9:11 am

    LW1: You don’t want– nor do you have time for– another baby. Your boyfriend is the one being selfish. Wendy’s right; this is a dealbreaker.

    LW2: I don’t even know how to respond to this. You seem to be doing very well for yourself, but if you don’t want it, then what’s the point? Maybe you should talk to your fiancè instead of brushing him off every time he “bugs” you to pick a date.

    LW3: What the fuck. Okay, you know what, PLEASE contact this woman. I’m betting you’ll find out that your man has been keeping secrets from you as well.

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    • avatar

      muffy September 21, 2012, 9:16 am

      Yeah I really don’t understand how he could genuinely think he’s protecting this other woman…”so I never told you this because I wanted to spare your feelings and make you think you still had a chance so you would keep boosting my ego but…I’ve been married for 10 years”. WTF. Something could possibly be up – maybe he’s hooking up with her, who knows. I would contact her because what he’s doing ain’t normal.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle September 21, 2012, 9:36 am

        definitely ain’t normal!! I would say the chance he’s sleeping with this other woman is more likely than not– if not, then he at least returns her feelings and/or is trying (in some warped way) to keep her on the back burner. Whatever it is, that shit is not cool.

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      • avatar

        Ricky September 21, 2012, 2:51 pm

        If the other women has serious feelings for him than he is not being fair to her. With time, her feelings are only going to get more deep rooted and not going to vanish all of a sudden. He can’t stop this on a happy note. He will have to tell her, the sooner the better because she may not want to hear 6 months after the engagement that he has a fiance. That would make things worse for her. I seriously doubt he cheated on his fiance with her and is scared or guilty which is why he is procrastinating the revelation. May be she has not realised that she is the other women. There could be a whole new dimension to this story and if LW doesn’t do anything now things may get too late.

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  • katie

    katie September 21, 2012, 9:12 am

    dang. wendy got some doozies today!!

    LW1, i was wondering why in one sentence you say you dont want anymore kids, but in the next you ask about the timeline in which you should have one… if you dont want one, dont have one! yes, this is a big deal, and yes, it SHOULD be a dealbreaker for you! please dont have a child you dont want. the world has too many of those already.

    LW2, yes, you can leave. you can. people have done it. if your unhappy, leave. and i do agree that you spoke of your child as another check on your life list, and i am just hoping that is not the way you actually feel…

    LW3, WWS. thats soooo douchey for him to do. and to actually admit it to you? …wow.

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  • JK

    JK September 21, 2012, 9:17 am

    I was eagerly awaiting the shortcuts, and they did not disappoint.

    LW1 Don´t have a baby for someone. Never have a baby “for” someone. You should have another child if or when you´re ready (and your SO is ready).
    LW2 Why did you have a baby if you dislike your fiance? Kids only make things that much harder to undo. And like Desiree said above, it is offputting how you refer to your baby.
    LW3 More than MOA I would say DTMFA. Why would you want to stay with someone that puts a friends feelings above your own?

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh September 21, 2012, 9:44 am

      yeah i got the feeling LW2 was checking the things off on some list that she found in glamour on what makes your life complete: great guy, a pet, children and a house in the suburbs. checking those things off a list isn’t going to suddenly make you happy with your life.

      and yeah i agree with LW3, that is just plain weird. i mean if my husband had a friend he didn’t want to tell i’d be freaked out. and in the day of facebook are you just not going to put pictures of your wedding up because she might see and be offended? weird.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary September 21, 2012, 9:22 am

    LW3: 50% chance your boyfriend is sleeping with this woman, 50% chance he is just a dumb idiot who puts other women’s feelings about his future wife’s. 100% chance you are letting him walk all over you.

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    • avatar

      Ricky September 21, 2012, 2:55 pm

      Totally agree. I do think the chances of him cheating on her is higher than the chances of him acting dumb.

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  • avatar

    j2 September 21, 2012, 9:33 am

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow September 21, 2012, 11:34 am

      Good one! I <3 the Stooges. I am saving this.

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  • avatar

    lemongrass September 21, 2012, 9:34 am

    LW3- He’s cheating on you. “The last time he responded to her” Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

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    • JK

      JK September 21, 2012, 10:01 am

      It kind of sounds like one of those lame “romance” novels: “her body responded to him like never before” hahaha

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 21, 2012, 10:22 am

        Hey, I think *you* should’ve written Fifty Shades! If you can come up with 100 ways to express “fucking” then you will be a great success.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass September 21, 2012, 10:23 am

        Challenge accepted.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass September 21, 2012, 12:10 pm

        EDITED BY WENDY. (Sorry, but too many dirty words jeopardizes my ad revenue).

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      • avatar

        rachel September 21, 2012, 12:26 pm

        While not all of these are actual synonyms for “fuck”, I am giving you a pass for the creativity of just leaving 69. blank 🙂

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      • JK

        JK September 21, 2012, 12:29 pm

        I know! That was genius.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass September 21, 2012, 12:36 pm

        I’ll be honest- I copied and pasted from google. I don’t have that energy at 9 am.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 21, 2012, 1:38 pm

        haha, you got WENDIED. iz ok, i saw your list. i was most impressed by item no. 69 too. but, really, we should come up with a list of non-dirty words/phrases for forking. the author of Fifty Shades sucked b/c she kept reusing the same lame things. eh, i don’t actually anymore. i’m more interested in the convo about poutines. right now. “poutines” is my new favorite word by the way – it sounds dirty and delicious at the same time.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass September 21, 2012, 5:16 pm

        Aww… oh well. Sorry, Wendy! I feel a bit like I got sent to the principals office. I’m guessing, because I was such a goody-two-shoes that I haven’t actually been sent there.
        But, nothing can ruin my mood because I finally got my wedding photos after 14 months and losing half my hair!

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy September 21, 2012, 5:46 pm

        Ain’t no shame.

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  • avatar

    Jenny September 21, 2012, 9:42 am

    For LW1, I just don’t understand this concept of needing to have a baby by 30 (especially if you’re a man). I know there’s all those lists like “30 things to do before you turn 30” but “have a baby” shouldn’t be one of them. You have a baby because you want one and you’re ready and willing to care for one (physically, emotionally, financially, etc) not because you’ve turned a certain age.

    If you have one child, and you think that having another child will compromise your ability to care for your first, DON’T HAVE ANOTHER CHILD. Especially because your boyfriend wants you to. Why are people so nonchalant about having a baby?

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    • avatar

      MissDre September 21, 2012, 10:42 am

      I definitely understand wanting to have a baby by 30, because that’s what I want too. Although I would never actually have a baby just to get it done by a certain age… when I have a baby it’ll be because I’m ready for it (emotionally, financially, etc.) I’m just HOPING I’ll be ready by 30 🙂

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      • avatar

        Jenny September 21, 2012, 10:53 am

        Well that’s reasonable. I’m 26 and have a 5 month old and am hoping to be done having kids by 30. But I mean, if your #1 reason to have a baby is “well, I’m 29…” then that’s stupid. She thinks he can’t wait because God forbid he’ll become a father at the ancient age of 32. I mean, how can he play with his baby without breaking a hip?!!

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      • Lili

        Lili September 21, 2012, 5:55 pm

        I feel really emotionally immature, because I hope to god I’ll be emotionally READY to have a baby By 35, and fear I won’t. Oh and this whole putting someone before myself feeling–does motherhood cause it, or do I need it pre-motherhood? HELP!

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      • avatar

        Jenny September 21, 2012, 7:26 pm

        Hmmm, I think a little bit of both. Look, you’re never going to be happy to be sacrificing sleep to change diapers and feed a baby in the middle of the night. But selfishness and parenthood do not mix.

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  • avatar

    CSP September 21, 2012, 9:47 am

    LW2 – I think you are overwhelmed with how much and how quickly your life has changed. This happens. I remember being shocked at what the weight and meaning of a mortgage meant. I couldn’t believe the pressure that so much debt felt like. Add a baby and a wedding to that and it is no wonder you resent the guy who put all this stress on you. If it was me, I would step back from the wedding. say you can’t handle all the change right now.

    When I was wedding planning, about two months before the wedding, we started looking at houses. The stress made me not sleep for 3 days. I remember crying to my now husband that I couldn’t take all the stress. It was too much all at once. We decided to simply rent an apartment for a year first. By relieving that pressure, everything from then on was wonderful. Just take a step back.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray September 21, 2012, 9:49 am

    WWS x 3. Man, I can’t even side with Team Love on any of these. Btw, I thought Wendy said “armpit analysis” and I was picturing her pulling a Mary Catherine Gallagher and reaching deep into her pits for inspiration on how to best express her feelings on that letter.

    Also, you guys, I have a concern: without going into much or any detail, my new “boyfriend”-whom-I’ve-known-for-one-month has the ability to make me feel the happiest in the whole wide world one minute and the saddest clown in the whole wide world the next minute. I have no control. I think I’ve let myself slip into a very scary zone and I can’t think clearly. I should end it, right? Maybe this is better for the forums. Or my therapist. Or maybe I should figure my own shit out. Nevermind. I’m not good at this. … Anyhoo, yay for shortcuts, yay for Friday. (Why am I not enjoying life right now? And by “right now” I mean this second. Because he will change it all in 5 minutes. This is so un-Addie Pray. I need to regain some power. Helppp.)

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    • avatar

      lemongrass September 21, 2012, 9:56 am

      Poutine helps. The Canadian way of helping.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 21, 2012, 10:12 am

        Poutine is a great cure for everything! Well, except for obesity and heart disease. When I was in Canada over the summer I had a bowl of fries, with cheese, and gravy, and ground beef, and more gravy, and more cheese curds, and more fries, oh and onions. I think it was a 4,000 calorie snack. I could feel my arteries clog. It was worth it.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 21, 2012, 11:23 am

        I can have a poutine in a week. A WEEK. I’m going to smother that poutine in ketchup chips and die happy.

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      • theattack

        theattack September 21, 2012, 12:29 pm

        What’s Poutine?

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 21, 2012, 12:37 pm

        Poutine is a synonym for orgasm. It is this dish in Canada that is french fries covered in gravy, cheese, fat and happiness.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle September 21, 2012, 12:56 pm

        Wait, WHAT! I heard you guys mention poutine before (heard, right, I mean “read” ha) but I always imagined it was some dessert thing? Where I live, we call these “disco fries” !! (Which sounds much less classy)

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      • avatar

        lemongrass September 21, 2012, 1:12 pm

        Have you never watched Supertroopers?
        “Where you boys headed?”
        “Canada… we were goin’ to Canada for some French fries and gravy, sir.”
        “Canada, huh? Almost made it.”

        Definitely watching that tonight.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass September 21, 2012, 12:38 pm

        You haven’t lived. It’s fries (preferably the thick ones with the skin still on) covered in gravy and cheese curds. If you haven’t had cheese curds they are like a mild mozzarella that gets really gooey and string-y when melted. It’s amazeballs.

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      • theattack

        theattack September 21, 2012, 12:42 pm

        That sounds reaaaaally good. Brown or white gravy? Can I make this at home?

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      • avatar

        lemongrass September 21, 2012, 12:49 pm

        Brown. And it is better than you imagine. If making it at home I would make the fries yourself- it’s not as good as with frozen fries. Also, it has to be cheese curds, other cheese won’t be the same.

        Bonus story! The worst poutine I ever had. Burger bus on the side of the road, they’re generally hit or miss. Sometimes crap, sometimes the best homemade shit you ever had. I ordered poutine, I got a plate full of frozen fries that were deep fried in oil that was too cold, covered with powdered gravy mix with …. kraft singles on top. Not even the mozzarella singles, the cheddar? ones. I don’t know. I couldn’t even eat it.

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      • katie

        katie September 21, 2012, 1:43 pm

        i hope you complained. thats not even close…

        and i will add to the amazingness of poutine. i had in when i was in canada (i mean, you have to…) and it is awesome!!

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    • avatar

      CSP September 21, 2012, 10:15 am

      If something scares you, it means that you are about to do something great 🙂

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    • avatar

      Wendys Dad September 21, 2012, 10:18 am

      A pitcher of margaritas for my favorite lawyer, please.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 21, 2012, 9:36 pm

        Awww, who agrees that Wendy’s Dad is the best?! (This comment is kind of late but if I had been earlier with it, I bet there would have been more than 30 likes!)

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    • MaterialsGirl

      MaterialsGirl September 21, 2012, 10:20 am

      its cause you’re in luuuuurve.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 21, 2012, 12:23 pm

        My new position on life is that love sucks. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate love. Because, like, for example, sometimes one person has to go out of town, sometimes the other person has to work, sometimes one person’s phone dies, and they don’t get your text until the next day. Sometimes you lose sleep because you don’t know when you will talk again!? And worse yet, you have zero control. And other times you know you’ll see him Sunday night but you’re not entirely sure you will be able to survive until then. And then the agony kills you, and you die. There, that is love. It is brutal. It is most definitely a battlefield.

        Honestly, I don’t know why we bother. I’m breaking things off.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery September 21, 2012, 2:09 pm

        You should. That sounds like a hassle. Come join my Spinster Sewing Circle. We meet on Fridays and “sew” = “drink.” Bring a cat if you got it!!

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      • Lili

        Lili September 21, 2012, 4:16 pm

        I’m In. And after we’re all good and tipsy, can we make it a thing to head to the local bars to find some Action. Lili needs some action. Even If I am a spinster.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh September 21, 2012, 10:23 am

      ahh vulnerability….best and worst thing ever, right? and i agree with Wendy’s Dad margaritas fix everything. Last night I had a beergarita (it was cheat night, I went all out) you should try one of those. it was delicious!

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    • call-me-hobo

      call-me-hobo September 21, 2012, 3:30 pm

      AP, when I was in high school, we did a variety show for the fall months- and my senior year I did a Mary Katherine Gallagher skit. I fell down and everything.

      I just thought it would make you feel better about being vulnerable. If your emotions are torn asunder at the moment- There is a video of it on my fb. I’M HERE FOR YOU.

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  • avatar

    ktfran September 21, 2012, 9:58 am

    It’s cold. And supposed to rain. So, I’m in a cranky mood this morning. With that being said . . .

    LW1. Sure, go ahead. Have that baby. Even though you don’t want one. And with a man who wants a child but not a marriage. Give it a go and see how it works out. This world needs more people who don’t think serisously about creating another life.

    LW2. When I’m unhappy in a relationship and don’t even know if I like my partner, I like to buy a dog, a house and hey, why not have a kid too? I’m currently at 3 houses, 5 dogs and 2 kids. Want to hang out sometime?

    LW3. I actualy don’t have a snarky response for you. I think you need to have a serious coversation with the fiance about this chick. Figure it out. But, hold off on the wedding until you do. This all seems a little shady to me.

    And for those of you who can’t translate sarcasm. Responses to LW1 and LW2 were me being facetious.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom September 21, 2012, 12:10 pm

      I love facetious.

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      • avatar

        ktfran September 21, 2012, 12:49 pm

        Me too. It’s how I role. Most of the time.

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  • Budj

    Budj September 21, 2012, 10:14 am

    LW 1 – It’s selfish of your bf to push this on you. However, I don’t think this is necessarily MOA yet. You need to express your concerns about being married and finishing your studies first before having another child. If he is still being selfish about his motivations over a totally weird and abstract number such as 30 (it seems it is more of a frivilous goal for him to reach before turning 30) then definitely MOA. I would at least try and get him to see why his opinion is ridiculous and how it doesn’t really show him being ready, at all, for the responsibility of a child.

    I agree with Wendy’s responses to 2 and 3.

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  • avatar

    Elle Marie September 21, 2012, 10:20 am

    Wow. WWS on all of these, but I also want to add for LW2… Maybe it’s time to get some counseling/help for yourself. Coping with a 3 month old (or possibly less, depending on when in June the child is born) is a HUGE stressor. Buying a house (and presumably, planning to move and take care of whatever needs to be taken care of at the new house; there is ALWAYS something that needs fixing in a new-to-you home) is incredibly stressful. It sounds like maybe the best thing to do would be to focus on being a good mom and practicing some self-care before trying to figure out the relationship stuff. I know that I have a hard time appreciating my fiance when I have slept poorly and am not taking care of myself well; if nothing else, infants disrupt one’s sleep! Try to connect with some friends and/or a new mom’s support group, and try to take care of your own mental well-being. It also might be a good idea to sit down with your fiance and actually say, “There has been so much stress and change with the baby, buying the house, and planning to move – I really need to get settled in the new house and get to a point where I am sleeping more consistently at night before I can focus on planning a wedding.”

    We bought a house about 8 months before actually getting engaged, and are getting married about a year after the engagement. Even without dealing with a baby, it has been stressful and at times feels a bit overwhelming!

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  • avatar

    Amanda September 21, 2012, 10:31 am

    Life lessons for the day:

    1) Don’t have a child if you don’t want a child. Ever

    2) Don’t have a child with a person that you dislike. You will be bound to that person for the rest of your child’s life, which will most likely be longer than yours.

    3) Don’t marry someone who keeps your relationship a secret from their family or friends.

    4) There exist MANY forms of birth control. It’s true! Find one, two or three methods that work for you if you aren’t 100% certain that you want a child. There are no excuses for unintended pregnancies. NONE.

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  • avatar

    Leah September 21, 2012, 10:36 am

    LW2: You strongly dislike him most of the time? Why on earth would you stay in a relationship with this person, let alone marry him?

    Women don’t fall in love with men because they’re good on paper and can provide a great life. You call in love with someone and then figure out how to have a great life together!

    It sounds like you jumped into the life you wanted without ever considering how you felt about the person you were building it with. You say you want to make yourself love this situation, but it sounds more like you love the situation and not the man. You cannot talk yourself into loving someone, no matter how great they are!

    If this man is so wonderful now, he will be a wonderful co-parent even after you two break up. Be honest with yourself and with him and end this relationship. It’s much easier to break things off now than to put yourself, this man and both your families and all your friends through the stress of the wedding and then have to go through the trauma and expense of a divorce later.

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    • Jess

      Jess September 21, 2012, 2:56 pm

      This was my thought too. And it makes me sad. I hope that it’s Wendy’s guess and simply a case of emotional whiplash from all these life changes. Let’s not rule out post-partum either. I’d want to know more about what things were like when they GOT together. Sounds like it happened quickly. And the friend-to-romance thing makes me a little suspicious that your theory is right —it’s suggestive of someone that maybe talked herself into romantic feelings for a guy that was otherwise awesome but not physically attractive to her –hence the reason he’d been a friend in the first place and not a boyfriend. Not saying this is always the case in these situations of course, –it just adds to the plot.

      I can’t shake the similarity to a guy I briefly dated in my early 30s. He was a high school friend reconnected to me through Facebook. I’d always thought he was kinda sort attractive but wasn’t sure about it. Well, we got together and the “history” of our childhood friendship + his personality seemed to drive things at hyper-speed. We’d been dating only a month when he was talking about cohabitation, marriage, etc. For a little while, I rode that train because, heck, here was a guy offering me EVERYTHING and —with no waiting period! A fast track to the lifestyle I felt I was late for (clearly he did too). Thank god, thank god, thank god I woke up and got out of it. NOT EASY. He didn’t take it well and I questioned myself for months, wondering if I was giving up a good thing. Maybe I had “bad boy syndrome”? Why couldn’t I get on the program with such a great guy?!!. What was wrong with ME?! But you know what? He just wasn’t my guy. The chemistry was never fully there for me and I never felt that heart tug that I wanted.

      Now I’m with an incredibly NICE guy (he cries during sappy movies!!!) who tugs at my heart and makes my pulse quicken on a daily basis after 2+ years together. I didn’t have an allergy to nice guys. I just don’t feel it for ALL nice guys. Knowhatimean?

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      • Lili

        Lili September 21, 2012, 4:22 pm

        Jess, this made me feel really warm and fuzzy inside. I know life must be incredibly busy/stressful for you, but any interest in taking applications for a Little Sister. I need a Big Sister to tell me this stuff and that it will all be ok, along with your Bird and Love thing all the time. I had the same thing happen, with the ‘nice available guy’ I had no attraction to, but he did everything right. Then a few weeks later I meet a hot guy who I felt I had chemistry with, and he never called me back. Sigh.

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    Lindsay September 21, 2012, 10:41 am

    Considering LW2 has a new baby, I won’t actually say this (well, I’m saying it now, but you know what I mean), but was anyone else just thinking that maybe she’s not with the right guy? I get that maybe she’s overwhelmed or has some deep-rooted issues to work out, but it sort of just sounds like she made a lot of bad decisions when she should have broken up with him. Anyway, my point is that if she didn’t have the baby, I’d probably just suggest leaving the fiance. But trying to unravel yourself from all that is going to be a lot more stressful when you have a three-month-old baby, I think.

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      Lindsay September 21, 2012, 10:43 am

      I forgot about LW3. Don’t marry him until he tells her. And you have proof of it. Honestly, I don’t think I would have gotten engaged to or stayed with someone who refused to tell one of their female friends (or any friends for that matter) about me.

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        Sue Jones September 21, 2012, 12:58 pm

        Heck, LW3, tell her yourself! Mention that “My fiance, Joe Smith, tells me you are going to be in town next week! Let’s all go to lunch!” Way to own your power!

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      • theattack

        theattack September 21, 2012, 1:05 pm

        I don’t think she should tell the girl herself. The LW shouldn’t stoop to sneakiness and backhandedness to resolve this issue. If she does that while getting onto him for doing something wrong, it’s going to say to him that her behavior is okay when it’s not healthy either. Two wrongs don’t make a right. If he won’t tell the girl or the LW can’t trust him to tell her when he says he will then they have much bigger problems than this one, and she just needs to break off the engagement.

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  • landygirl

    landygirl September 21, 2012, 10:57 am

    A thought passed through my mind that LW1’s boyfriend is like a child who is eager to have a puppy but will eventually tire of it and the LW will be left to do all the work.

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  • avatar

    Sheryl September 21, 2012, 11:31 am

    LW1 – your bf sounds very immature. if he can’t wait long enough to get married, he is definitely not going to be patient with a child. Also, do you just not want to have more kids at this time, or ever? If you are really done having kids, then you need to let him go. If you want to wait (but want another kid eventually), stand your ground. Its your body (and your life), not his (his life too, but if he’s worth it, he’ll care about your happiness). Wanting kids before 30 is all well and good, but sometimes life happens, and you can’t (or shouldn’t) force it just because of a number.

    LW2 – Please, go to therapy. I’m not sure if anything will really make you happy until you work your own issues out.

    LW3 – Hiding you from anyone is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Tell him to to tell her about you, or MOA. I also especially agree with Wendy on the warning about ‘hiding’ things from women ‘for their own good’!! VERY SKETCHY.

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    Desiree September 21, 2012, 11:46 am

    Random thought: any chance of post-partum depression in the second letter? She just had a baby in June. She doesn’t mention hating her fiance prior to the baby’s birth. I wonder if that is a new development.

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    • Jess

      Jess September 21, 2012, 2:58 pm

      Yes! Totally said the same in my comment (before reading yours)

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    Sarah September 21, 2012, 11:53 am

    LW #1 WWS. I’m sorry, but how responsible is it to say “I want a baby before I’m 30” without any regard to the life situations of the two people at the time? “I want a baby before I’m thirty, but it’ll have to be during a conjugal visit because I’m in prison for three more years” or “I want a baby before I’m thirty, but I owe everything I own to Russian mobsters and they’ll be here any minute to remove my legs and other appendages.” See? Just having an age you want to have a baby by makes no sense. You’re not ready for a baby now, if ever. So don’t have one. There is nothing worse than having a baby for someone other than yourself.

    LW #2 Don’t pretend to be happy now, because it will only get worse. Much worse. You can’t deal with what you like and don’t like about your life until you get therapy to understand why you’re going through this.

    LW #3 ……Wtf is your fiance doing? Wtf are you doing? This isn’t ok. Is he trying to keep his options open with this woman? He has to tell her. Are you sure you want to marry this shady guy?

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    • avatar

      rachel September 21, 2012, 12:41 pm

      To be fair, it’d be much easier to conceive said baby while still in possession of all of one’s appendages.

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        iseeshiny September 21, 2012, 1:42 pm

        Bahahahaha

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    Mr. Cellophane September 21, 2012, 12:46 pm

    LW 2 I’m guessing here but maybe you’re a little older than the ‘average’ DW reader…”sold my company” was a clue. I’m also guessing that partially you are mourning the final passing of your youth. And with it goes your freedom. We all go through it. “Here I am all grown up and I never got a chance to travel the world / write the great American Novel / sleep with the Varsity Quarterback. Now you have some of the C+M diseases. “Commitment, Child, Career, Marriage, Monogamy, Mortgage”. (BTW, “Minivan” is next).
    Let me be the first to welcome you to the world of “Responsible Adulthood”. It sucks and is wonderful at the same time. The support group is called “Happy Hour” it meets at every bar at 4:30 every Friday. Get a Babysitter and bring your husband, he will look much better after a couple glasses of Pinot Grigiot.

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    • Jess

      Jess September 21, 2012, 2:57 pm

      Um, I love this answer.

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  • theattack

    theattack September 21, 2012, 12:54 pm

    LW3 – Oh HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no! I don’t think I need to repeat that he might be cheating on you or keeping her on the backburner. But don’t you want a fiance who’s proud of you? Who wants to tell everyone about you and shout your name from the rooftops with love? You’re recently engaged! That’s what should be happening right now! You should be giggling over getting to use the word fiance and calling each other that for fun and being totally obnoxious to everyone else because you love each other so much. I wouldn’t have ever let someone get away with keeping me a secret. They would have been out the door immediately, because well, WHAT THE FUCK! Confront him and demand an explanation. Tell him that he’s been disrespecting you as his fiance, and that most people of just girlfriend-status wouldn’t put up with it. If he doesn’t have a good explanation then maybe he just hadn’t put two and two together that he’s putting her above you. Either way this has GOT to stop.

    Talk to him about it, not her. Don’t go behind his back because that’s not a mature or healthy way to approach this. You would only be promoting problems in your relationship. Get him to tell her. If he won’t tell her or you can’t trust that he did, then you shouldn’t be with him anyway.

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  • avatar

    Anon September 21, 2012, 2:36 pm

    Anyone else think that maybe LW2 is suffering from post-partum depression, and looking for a way out? She feels guilty blaming the baby for why she’s feeling unhappy and trapped, so shes blaming the fiance instead. I think she needs to talk to a therapist about ALL the parts of her life that are making her feel stressed and unhappy, and tease out WHY she doesn’t like her fiancee (even though he’s supposedly “great”).

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    • avatar

      rachel September 21, 2012, 2:42 pm

      I wondered that myself, and I think one or two others mentioned it above. Hopefully the LW will seek therapy as Wendy suggested and get to the bottom of her unhappiness.

      Also…I love the icon

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    *HmC* September 21, 2012, 4:00 pm

    I think these were all questions for Miles.

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    • avatar

      Eagle Eye September 21, 2012, 7:26 pm

      hahahahahaha

      Yes.

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