Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Should I MOA From This Friendship?”

Two days ago I became a married woman. I had been engaged since September of last year and have had the wedding date set and bridesmaids selected since October. By Thanksgiving, the venue had been picked, the dresses (mine and the bridesmaids as well) had been chosen and prices calculated. I offered to buy the $140.00 dress anyone who could not afford it just to keep everything stress-free but all the bridesmaids turned the offer down, including the Matron of Honor.

Now a little background on my Matron of Honor: we’ve been best friends since sixth grade. After I joined the Navy, she married a younger man who joined the Army at her behest and deployed to Iraq last fall. Since he’s deployed she began cheating on him with his best friend who still rooms with them in base housing. She also began cleaning out his bank account every payday on frivolous objects. She gave her son up to her mother because she decided she didn’t bond with him and was unhappy being a mother. The she changed her mind and started talking about getting pregnant about a month after giving him up, and has threatened to leave her husband because he asked her to stop seeing his best friend and he started talking to his ex about how unhappy he was in his marriage. She has the most drama-filled life I have ever seen, but I support her through her ups and downs and give her a shoulder to cry on.

Anyway, in April she mentioned she hadn’t bought her shoes, dress, bra, and whatever else she needed for the June wedding. I offered to pay, but she declined and I began asking about the status of her dress every 4 days or so. By the end of April it was bought and hemmed and everything was fine. In the middle of May as I was going over RSVPs I asked her about her hotel reservations since she was coming to Knoxville, TN from Fort Hood, Texas for the wedding. She stated she hadn’t made them yet and I reminded her that its the top season for weddings, and that the block of hotels that I had put on hold for the wedding had already been taken, but that there were some cheaper but still nice hotels in the area. It was around this time she began talking about money issues, so I asked her if I needed to give her some cash — give as in not loaning, but as a gift. She declined the offer and said she was going to be there no matter what.

At the beginning of June her husband returned from Iraq for his R&R, and proceeded to tell me how excited he was to come to the wedding and see me. Four days before the wedding I log onto Facebook and see her latest Facebook status states (in full) “With a heavy heart and a heavy sigh…I see the door closing on my trip to TN…. I don’t see any way possible to get there safely and in a price range we can afford at them moment….. I feel like shit…I’ve let my best friend down…. ”

Of course, finding this out through Facebook immediately upset me so I texted her and she replies with something along the lines of she was going to call me in the morning, but wanted to post it first. Awesome. So after talking for a while I tell her this doesn’t impact our friendship. The next morning I make a phone call to my mother-in-law and together we raise about $1000.00 for hotel costs and gas to and from Texas plus any food she would need and spending money. I immediately call her and leave a voicemail. Seven hours pass and I don’t hear from her so I text her and re-explain that I have the money for her. Ten minutes later her husband calls me and explains that “She has a bad feeling about the trip, and because she has had visions of her dying after her 24th birthday (which is about two weeks away) she will not be attending the wedding.”

I explain to him that her not attending is going to cost me well over a thousand dollars, because her name is all over everything being the matron of honor. I would need to find a last minute stand in, I would have to redo all the programs, movie posters (tt was a Hollywood-themed wedding) and buy everything for the new bridesmaid last minute. He replied with “She understands this, but this will be a sacrifice you have to make. She cried after hearing your voicemail this morning about you getting us the money but she’s not coming. I’ve tried.”

After everything was said and done, I appointed a bridesmaid to be Maid of Honor and made a phone call to a high school friend who I knew was coming to the wedding and got everything situated for her to be a replacement bridesmaid. The wedding goes off without a hitch, and at the end of the day it cost me roughly $1641.00 to fix the mess she created.

Now I’m receiving Facebook messages from her, texts, and phone calls. But I really feel as though our friendship has been stomped dead over her “all-about-me” attitude. My head tells me to MOA from our friendship, but my heart tells me she will change and not to throw away a decade-old friendship. The entire time before the wedding, she dragged her heels, bitched, cried and complained, and when another bridesmaid told her to stop acting like a child she screamed something about how she got married in a courthouse and blah blah blah. So I really feel as though my wedding ruined our friendship, or maybe she was always this way and I am just now opening my eyes. Needless to say my question is: should I MOA from my psychotic, vision having friend? — Brand New Wife


Yes.

(And if you need an elaboration or justification for that answer, simply re-read your letter).

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

145 comments… add one
  • avatar

    BoomChakaLaka June 14, 2011, 3:09 pm

    This is definitely one of the longest, if not the longest letter ever on Dear Wendy.

    Honestly, the fact that you had to write all of THAT and still didn’t realize that this was not a friendship worth investing in kind of worries me. That said, run (don’t walk) from this drama queen. In time, she will most likely ask you why you’ve stopped talking to her. That’s when you should forward her this link.

    And congrats on your nuptials!

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    • avatar

      Brooklyn June 14, 2011, 11:47 pm

      Also the shortest response from Wendy. Also a sign that you shouldn’t feel bad to turn away and live your life without all that craziness.

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  • avatar

    camille905 June 14, 2011, 3:10 pm

    Best. Answer. Ever.

    How did your friendship even last this long? This is obviously not the first time she has exhibited crazy immature behavior. Appreciate the good friends who stood by your side on your wedding day and leave Ms. Crazypants behind.

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    • avatar

      mcj2011 June 15, 2011, 9:36 am

      everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

      LW I hate your friend!

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  • landygirl

    Landy June 14, 2011, 3:10 pm

    Spot on, Wendy. LW, you put up with her for far longer than she deserved.

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  • avatar

    AKchic June 14, 2011, 3:10 pm

    Yikes. Your “friend” sounds like my youngest sister. And kind of like my half-sister. You did what you could to accommodate her, and you went above and beyond what anyone should have done. I pity that woman’s husband, mother and child. I hope her husband divorces her, gets full custody and they live happy lives without her. She is a walking factory of self-centeredness.

    I hope your wedding was lovely.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph June 14, 2011, 3:10 pm

    Oh Wendy, that’s priceless. I agree though. Your friend sounds like a nutcase, first of all, and did not treat you with even an ounce of respect by dropping out of your wedding and not telling you to your face. Best to cut your losses (at $1600!!) and move on.

    Also, I don’t think your wedding ruined your friendship. Especially when you offered to pay… all she had to do was show the hell up. You were gonna pay for her hotel and gas and food to get her to your wedding and she couldn’t be bothered. Eff that.

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl June 14, 2011, 3:11 pm

    Wendy’s response is exactly what my comment was going to be. GMTA?
    Anyway. YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MOA! MOA MOA MOAAAAAAAAAA!

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    • avatar

      redessa June 14, 2011, 3:37 pm

      What’s GMTA?

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl June 14, 2011, 3:51 pm

        Great Minds Think Alike. Or did I just make that one up?

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        Brooklyn June 14, 2011, 11:49 pm

        Sometimes the acronyms on here remind me of Sleepless in Seattle. H&G!!!

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  • avatar

    MissDre June 14, 2011, 3:14 pm

    Wow. Yes, I think it’s time to move on. You are starting a new and wonderful time in your life and I think it would be best to remove this negative energy source from your life. In my eyes, you did all you could to be a good friend. But there is only so much one person can give before it begins to wear them down.

    Its hard to move on from a friendship… I know because I’ve done it. I had to make the decision to stop talking to my best friend of many years because we had just grown apart. But in the end, it was the right decision for me and as hard as it was, I’m happy that I did it.

    Congratulations on your wedding and good luck with the decision ahead of you.

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  • avatar

    Maracuya June 14, 2011, 3:15 pm

    Rule #1 of wedding etiquette: You can’t flake out if you’re the maid of honor.

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    • avatar

      princesspetticoat June 14, 2011, 11:49 pm

      Especially not FOUR days before the wedding and especially not over a FACEBOOK status.

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  • avatar

    Riefer June 14, 2011, 3:16 pm

    Please don’t blame yourself or your wedding for ruining the friendship. A LOT of women get married, and guess what? They still have friends. And you went out of your way to help this one out. She sounds like a selfish person who just does what SHE wants to do, regardless of how it affects anyone else (her husband, her mom, you). If she had wanted to come to your wedding, she would have, without this crazy story about visions. Just let the friendship fade away. You have a new husband, you have other friends, you don’t need this in your life.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs June 14, 2011, 3:16 pm

    Wow, most psychotic individual i have ever heard of! How did you stay friends for so long? MOA (and don’t even give it another thought!) she won’t change!
    P.S. You are the definition of what a true friend is…you deserve someone like that in your life! and congrats on the wedding 🙂

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  • avatar

    pinot23 June 14, 2011, 3:24 pm

    1. That girl is a horrible friend
    2. You were kinda a sucky friend for appointing your highschool friend as a bridesmaid with jsut a week to go. It sends the message, “Hey, you weren’t a good enough friend to make the first cut, but since I’m desperate, how about you buy a dress and stand up front?” You should have just had uneven sides and called it a day.
    3. That girl is a horrible friend.

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    • avatar

      TMSC June 14, 2011, 3:52 pm

      I would do this for any friend stuck in this spot any day of the week, provided it was logistically and economically feasible.

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki June 14, 2011, 4:05 pm

      I asked my attendant to step in as a bridesmaid when stuff hit the fan with my ex-step-mother and my sister (my sister was supposed to be in the wedding) and my sister stepped down and she was certainly more than happy to do it. I don’t think she looked at it as not being “good enough to make the first cut.”

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      • avatar

        SpyGlassez June 14, 2011, 7:55 pm

        Especially since the other people in the wedding obviously saw/heard about some of this if not all (since the LW mentions about another attendant telling the gal to chill, since it was all going up on FB, etc). They probably were not too surprised that this flake, well, flaked. When my best friend got married, another girl who we had used to be friends with essentially invited herself into the wedding party. She guilted my friend into adding her as a bridesmaid because the best friend and I had both been in her wedding a couple years before. This was about 3 months before the wedding, and my best friend had to scramble then to find a guy to add to the party. Then, the other girl got pregnant and was going to bail on being in the wedding and my best friend basically said that if she bailed at that time, after they’d rearranged the wedding party and paid to have this girl’s dress altered, then the friendship was over. The other girl did end up being in the wedding, but it definitely left a bitter taste in all our mouths.

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    • Chaotonic

      Chaotonic June 14, 2011, 4:08 pm

      Pinot23,

      I said the exact same thing, but I explained to my friend what had happened and I paid for absolutely everything and in the end she was extremely happy about being the wedding (since she was already attending it as a guest). But I did feel terrible about her being my second choice. :/

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      • avatar

        TMSC June 14, 2011, 4:21 pm

        Don’t at all feel terrible! Honestly, if a friend had a situation like this, I (and I think many other people) would not hesitate to help out. Especially if already invited to the wedding. A wedding is a celebration, and I would be thrilled to lend a hand. Also, you strike me as a very thoughtful person, and you seem to have made it very easy for her to accommodate your request. This is the type of thing friends do for each other.

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        SpaceySteph June 14, 2011, 4:23 pm

        I went to a friend’s bachelorette party though I was not a member of the bridal party because I was invited. I came from out of town for the wedding, didn’t know anyone else (I went dateless), so I spent the night before the wedding snacking and hanging out with the bridal party. I went to the hair appointment the day of, the bride even offered me an appointment but I declined. I learned later that the bride felt badly for me that I wasn’t in the bridal party- guilty that I went to all these things but wasn’t in her top 3 friends.
        Whatever. I was happy to be included, happy for my friend who got married. I never felt like I should have been a bridesmaid or in any way mad at the bride. And if someone had flaked, I would have happily stood in if asked, no hard feelings like I shouldn’t have been a second choice. In fact I felt guilty that the bride ever felt guilty… it was her damn wedding!
        I think only a spiteful, self-centered person would make it about themself on their friend’s wedding day.

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      • avatar

        SGMcG June 14, 2011, 4:27 pm

        I don’t think to be appointed as a last minute bridesmaid is a bad thing. If the bride is in a pinch and the guest was already invited, it’s not that much of a hassle. You made it easier for her since you accommodated as much as you can for the last minute replacement.

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    • avatar

      RoyalEagle0408 June 14, 2011, 8:35 pm

      I see nothing wrong with having a back-up bridesmaid. Sometimes you want 6 bridesmaids but can only have 5. My friend is getting married in a few weeks and has a lot of sisters so I’m not in the wedding. I totally understand and if God forbid something happened and one of them couldn’t be in the wedding, I’d gladly step in. It’d be totally different if you messeaged someone who you met through a co-worker at your company’s holiday party on Facebook and asked them, but if someone is already invited I think it’s a good idea in fact.

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    • avatar

      sarita_f June 15, 2011, 12:14 am

      @pinto23 – I agree with you, particularly on your #2.

      I seriously DO NOT GET why people are so concerned about having an equal number of ‘extras’ on each side. To me that sounds more like staging a show than it is a ceremony to start the beginning of a marriage.

      Whoever you would like to stand up for you in a wedding is who you should ask to do so. If it doesn’t equate to the number of groomsmen WHO THE HELL REALLY CARES?!?!?!? Seriously, who?

      And the money? Don’t get me started. Next time, when you’re sincere about helping BM’s out with costs, just say you’re buying X for them. And do just that. I sure as shit would never take someone up on an offer like you spelled out here. Who wants to feel like the One Poor Friend? Wasn’t that a theme running through a recent movie production that paid some chick-centered site enough money to endlessly plug that movie? Yuck.

      It is YOUR problem if you feel the need to redo programs and last-minute dress stuff for you 2nd-tier BM. Don’t place all the financial blame on the original MOH. You could have easily changed nothing.

      I have both attended and stood up in weddings with unequal numbers of attendants. I’ve attended hundreds of weddings – my dad was a wedding photographer and I assisted him for years. I have never heard a single conversation about how bad a wedding was because there was an unequal number of attendants. More to the point, I have never heard anyone call into question the validity of a life-long commitment (marriage) because of same issue.

      I’m not defending the MOH’s actions here. She sounds a bit unstable, disorganized and could use a course or two in personal-life management. HOWEVER, I think it’s lame of the LW to get so worked up over something that is 99.99999% irrelevant to the lifelong commitment she just made to her husband.

      LW, have you really truly checked in with you ex-MOH? Do you actually know what’s going on with her? Could she be in crisis mode and you don’t really know about it because, HELL-ER!, you’ve been preoccupied with staging the perfect wedding? What do you make of her statement that ‘traveling to TN wouldn’t be safe?’ That would concern me – for HER well-being.

      Keep in mind that every once in a while grownups go through crisis periods, and they have nothing whatsoever to do with you and your wedding.

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      • avatar

        AnitaBath June 15, 2011, 12:16 am

        “Keep in mind that every once in a while grownups go through crisis periods, and they have nothing whatsoever to do with you and your wedding.”

        You’re right, she was probably in a crisis because she had been cheating on her husband with his best friend while he was deployed and abandoning her son. Which the LW mentioned when she said she always tried to be there for her friend and a shoulder to cry on….

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      • avatar

        G June 15, 2011, 9:00 am

        I agree that an equal ratio of bridesmaids to groomsmen is something completely unimportant. If I am ever blessed enough to meet someone that I would like to commit my life to for the res to of my life- that will not matter in the slightest.

        However, this “friend” has clearly showed how she doesn’t care about anyone in the world but herself. The little wedding details don’t matter to me… but it DID matter to the LW. And she has that right.

        Yes, we all have our crises. But, people that are forever “in crisis” are usually selfish human beings. She doesn’t “bond” with her kid and is not happy being a Mom? Horrendous. No child deserves that.

        And I don’t think the LW deserves to be treated with such disregard.

        MOA- obviously.

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    • avatar

      MsBorgia June 15, 2011, 10:13 am

      I was a second-string bridesmaid and I wasn’t hurt at all. I know the bride and I weren’t BFFs but we are still important to each other and I was honored to be a part of her special day in any form. AND our sides were uneven. It’s not sucky of the bride to ask, her friend could always have said no! Geesh.

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    • avatar

      pinot23 June 15, 2011, 12:23 pm

      wowzer, people were not happy with my opinion. I get that a lot of people wouldn’t be offended – but at the end of the day, she was saying “hey you couldn’t make the first cut, but here’s your consolation prize.” She might not have been asked at first for WHATEVER reason, personal or not. But the fact is, you weren’t picked during the first round because you weren’t important/close/whatever enough. Now, when someone else falls through, wham you are important enough – which is rude.

      Would I personally care if a bride asked me to step in at the last minute and she needed to fulfill her perfect vision with perfectly even sides, No. But, I would still be an “after thought” bridesmaid at the end of the day. Period.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph June 15, 2011, 1:42 pm

        I would probably have 12 bridesmaids if I could. I have several female friends that are very dear to me, plus a sister and a female cousin. However, I can’t have 12 bridesmaids, thats just ridiculous. So I’ll probably end up with 4.
        It doesn’t mean that the other girls are the consolation prize or second string or less good friends. They are still important to me and I love them and I want to share important life moments with them.
        I just think your attitude on this is all wrong.

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      • avatar

        TMSC June 15, 2011, 2:31 pm

        EXACTLY. My wedding invitation list is only 40 people total. I would love to have all my friends be in the bridal party, but that seems rather silly given the circumstances. I only have one friend I asked to stand up for me and to help me with planning. Not because the others aren’t “important, or close enough”…it has nothing to do with that. And you would bet if for whatever reason my one attendant was not able to make it 4 days before the wedding, I would ask another friend to help me. That is what friendship is about. It’s not a contest.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph June 15, 2011, 2:41 pm

        I think that you perfectly explained in your last sentence, exactly what bugs me about the post above.
        It is not a contest. One doesn’t “win” a friendship by getting asked to stand up in a wedding or “lose” if they are not a “first string friend.” Its about having quality relationships with people you choose to surround yourself with, support through the hard times, company to help you celebrate the good times. When you get married, nobody counts the number of people in your bridal party to decide how happy your marriage will be. And when you die, nobody tallys up the number of weddings you stood up in or kids you were godparent to or even people who showed up at your funeral in order to decide how meaningful your life was.
        Thats just not the point.

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    • avatar

      NikkiMic April 12, 2013, 12:37 pm

      Word! I mean don’t get me wrong, this friend is a terrible friend. Like, wow. But her dropping out of your wedding did not cost you 1600 dollars. I can understand reprinting the programs, but if you were in a mad dash to fix everything with her name on it, buy a new dress for the new girl, etc, then that was on you. When my bf and I got engaged, we realized we would have uneven sides and did not give the slightest of f*cks. We will have one groomsman walk down the aisle with a girl on each side and be done with it (and for the record, the groomsman is of course psyched to do that!) And while I understand that not everyone is as laissez-faire about that as us, and some people really want even-sided wedding parties, I will never understand why someone cares THIS MUCH. I mean, holy crap! What a mess to put yourself though four days before your wedding!

      I don’t think it’s necessarily rude to the friend she asked to step in, but just, the thought alone makes me want to rip my hair out from the stress of it all.

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  • TheLadyE

    Emma Woodhouse June 14, 2011, 3:25 pm

    This story was so ridiculous I could barely make it through the whole thing. Sweet heavens. Don’t you live in separate states? Do you see each other on a regular basis? It seems like you are not going to be very present in each other’s lives anyway..so I would just let it lie. You don’t have to make a huge OMG BIG DECISION about it right now because, really, how involved are you in each others’ daily lives? You have your new husband and new life to attend to and focus on, and she has…whatever it is she’s doing…that she needs to sort out. If she calls or messages you and YOU WANT to, be there for her and listen to her, but you don’t need to seek her out and certainly don’t expect HER to be a pillar of strength for YOU, cause clearly that’s not going to happen.

    I’m sorry this happened at such an important time in your life, though. Congrats on your wedding!

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    • katie

      Katie June 14, 2011, 7:15 pm

      yea this is totally the right way to go- dont cut her out of your life with purpose, just recognize that she is not really a great friend. still be friendly, send christmas cards, whatever, but just know the real person she is.

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  • avatar

    Calliopedork June 14, 2011, 3:26 pm

    Congrats on your marriage. Leave this girl to her crazy self.

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  • avatar

    kali June 14, 2011, 3:27 pm

    You could make that vision of hers come true and kill her for being such a biotch – the timing’s about right. OK, kidding, but I would certainly FEEL like doing something dire.

    Wendy said it best. MOA, girlfriend, MOA.

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    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didn't June 14, 2011, 6:44 pm

      I was going to suggest the LW should call her ex-friend and tell her that she’s had a vision of their friendship being over. And then never speak to her again.

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      • Chaotonic

        Chaotonic June 14, 2011, 9:22 pm

        Greatest Idea ever 🙂

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        Brooklyn June 14, 2011, 11:51 pm

        Funny, but in reality she would feel bad for it later once she isn’t so frustrated and pissed. Better to just walk away then be vindictive.

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      • avatar

        Britannia June 15, 2011, 12:12 am

        I don’t think it’s vindictive. If the friend thinks that having visions is a legitimate excuse, then she’ll understand completely.

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  • avatar

    redessa June 14, 2011, 3:34 pm

    Sounds like she was jealous that you were having the kind of wedding you wanted when, for whatever reason, she got married at the courthouse.

    Here’s what we know about her just from your letter; she’s cheating on her husband, gave up her child (not because she was unable to care for him but because she simply didn’t want him anymore), she’s irresponsible with money and she didn’t even have the decency to talk to you about not coming to your wedding before posting it on freakin’ facebook. And even then she put her husband in the middle rather than “man up” and face you herself. In every single example you gave about her, she has shown a complete lack of morals and character. She has put her own interest of the moment ahead of everyone else in her life including her husband, child, mother and supposed best friend.

    You say you’ve been friends for a long time and have supported her through all of her drama. But when has she supported you? What redeeming qualities could she possibly have that would make you want to continue to include this person in your life? I don’t think your wedding ruined your friendship, I think it simply put a spotlight on all the things that were already wrong. Definately time to MOA.

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    • Budj

      Budjer June 14, 2011, 4:31 pm

      My sentiments exactly. She was a leech and a drama queen….the only motivation for posting on facebook before telling you was to get sympathy / a cry for attention. I do give the LW props for being such a loyal friend, but this is completely unhealthy and an undeserving person. I also think the friend’s husband in this letter is a turd.

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    • landygirl

      Landy June 14, 2011, 4:32 pm

      Ah yes, the Facebook debacle. Nuts.

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    • avatar

      Bethany June 15, 2011, 9:16 am

      “You say you’ve been friends for a long time and have supported her through all of her drama. But when has she supported you? What redeeming qualities could she possibly have that would make you want to continue to include this person in your life?”

      A few years ago I ended a 15+ year friendship, and it was asking those same questions that made me finally MOA- I defended her insane behavior because I had fun being her friend, but deep down, she wasn’t there for me- she didn’t have my back, and she didn’t support me like I was doing for her. She was needy, insecure, jealous and demanded attention all the time. It wasn’t worth all the drama.

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  • avatar

    Jennifer June 14, 2011, 3:35 pm

    If she dragged her feet so much and is obviously an unreliable, self centered person, why has she been your friend for so long and why in G-d’s name did you try so hard to put her in your wedding?

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  • avatar

    LennyBee June 14, 2011, 3:39 pm

    Wow. It takes two people to be friends. And that woman is not your friend. MOA. MOA, and when she asks why you’re not talking to her anymore, tell her you assumed by her behavior that she no longer wished to be friends, and are acting accordingly. You went above and beyond to salvage this friendship. It’s time to let go, as difficult and sad as that will be.

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    • avatar

      twiglet June 15, 2011, 5:22 pm

      maybe for some of the same reasons people put up with psychopathic partners….they can be amazing, absorbing, more @open@ than anyone else you know….you are enthralled, you feel you are the only one in the world who understands them….sound familiar? I think it can sometimes happen in platonic friendships too. So run like hell, LW,and congratulations on finding out now.

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  • avatar

    TheGirl June 14, 2011, 3:41 pm

    Wow. I know people on this site are very anti-defriend, but this sounds like the perfect moment for it. This girl deserves it and you deserve a better friend.

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    • avatar

      MissD June 14, 2011, 11:48 pm

      I recommend the super-fast fade out. But if you want to cut all ties-don’t just defriend, block her. She’s clearly unstable, and the last thing you need is to have her try to harrass you about anything or cause more drama.

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      • avatar

        TheGirl June 15, 2011, 8:53 am

        I think this girl is far too passive aggressive to harass the LW. Especially since she couldn’t even call the girl to say they weren’t coming – she posted it on FB and then made her husband call when the LW called her on her excuse.

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  • avatar

    AnitaBath June 14, 2011, 3:42 pm

    I always get irked when people say things like, “I don’t want to throw away a decade-long relationship!”

    If friendships and romantic relationships depended solely on the amount of time you’ve known the person, I’d have a heck of a lot more friends and boyfriends right now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been friends with someone if they treat you like shit. Having a ten-year history with them doesn’t mean anything, except that they know how to get away with bad behavior better.

    It’s obvious the friend is horribly selfish in every single relationship she’s been in, including the one with her husband. Even when the LW was devastated and horribly inconvenienced by the friend’s last minute freak out and pity party, the friend still made it all about her. It was all about her when she just OMG HAD TO post that Facebook status update, and all of the wording she chose in the update and told her husband to relay made it, once again, all about her.

    And she didn’t even have the guys to tell the LW herself, but instead made her husband do her dirty work? Yeah..

    LW, there is one perk to all of this. Ten years down the road, when you’re kicking yourself for putting up with this girl’s shit for so long, you won’t have to keep looking at her in your wedding photos.

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      Kate June 14, 2011, 3:43 pm

      Very well put.

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      spaceboy761 June 14, 2011, 3:47 pm

      “Ten years down the road, when you’re kicking yourself for putting up with this girl’s shit for so long, you won’t have to keep looking at her in your wedding photos.”

      KA-ZZZZZZZZZING!!!

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      • Budj

        Budjer June 14, 2011, 4:35 pm

        nice foresight!

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      AKchic June 14, 2011, 4:30 pm

      If you had “more boyfriends right now”, we’d probably be calling you a two-timer or worse. *laugh* One at a time, y’know 🙂

      But I agree with you. People need to stop thinking about how long they have already stuck it out with a toxic relationship and think about the better times they can have without such a poisonous relationship tying them down, mentally and in some cases, physically.

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    • Tracey

      Tracey June 14, 2011, 5:10 pm

      Like my sister often says, “It’s not like you’re earning tenure or getting vested in a pension plan.” If a friendship doesn’t work, walk. In this case, run like hell.

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        MissD June 14, 2011, 11:49 pm

        LOL.

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      Christy June 14, 2011, 6:31 pm

      I don’t necessarily agree with your point about long friendships. I’ve had one of my best friends for 9 years, and even during the times she’s been a little crazy, I’ve stuck by her because we’ve been friends for so long. It’s still a worthwhile friendship, even if we need space at times. I’ll wait out the crazy for a friendship of this length, but not for new friends. I don’t have the time or the energy for that.

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        AnitaBath June 14, 2011, 6:53 pm

        I myself have been friends with my best friend for thirteen years, but being friends with her so long isn’t a good enough reason in and of itself to remain friends. I hold her dear to my heart because she’s an amazing friend, not because she’s a friend I’ve had for thirteen years. The LW’s friend sounds toxic and selfish.

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      SpyGlassez June 14, 2011, 7:57 pm

      Apparently this girl doesn’t mind throwing away the friendship, so why should the LW beat herself up over it? That’s my thinking.

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    brendapie June 14, 2011, 3:44 pm

    MOA! I hate saying that but the fact that you wrote this massive letter TWO DAYS after your wedding saddens me. I understand that you have been friends from a young age but I don’t find it healthy to have such a negative, selfish and lying person in your life. Especially now that you’re starting a new phase in your life with your husband, something that you should celebrating and basking in the glow of… and instead you wrote this letter!

    You sound like the most amazing friend and I can’t believe how generous and gracious you were to your friend and all your bridesmaids. I would have a hard time letting go of a friendship that I’ve held for over a decade but I think you really have to question how much of a friend she has been to you these last few years. I think it’s worth noting that your letter has no mention of how she has been a friend to you. That’s something we can’t properly gauge from this letter but I hope you really evaluate her presence in your life. Friendship is a two way street and it really sounds like she is making no effort or has little interest in serving your needs as a friend.

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      honeybeenicki June 14, 2011, 4:08 pm

      I completely agree that she sounds like an amazing friend. Few brides would offer to cover the costs of dresses, etc for all of their bridesmaids and even fewer would have pulled together all that money at the last minute to get her to the wedding!

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      TMSC June 14, 2011, 4:23 pm

      I also agree. You sound like exactly the type of friend I would love to have.

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    • katie

      Katie June 14, 2011, 7:18 pm

      i totally agree- i would also like to congratulate the bride on not being a total bride-zilla. you are the bride that I am promising my self I will be (especially after reading all the wedding disaster letters on here!)

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    Addie Pray June 14, 2011, 3:49 pm

    Perfect advice, Wendy. It’s funny because as I was ready the letter I kept thinking the answer is so obvious that this should have been in the Shortcuts category … but a three-line response would have been wayyy too long. 😉 You need a “duh” category.

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      Addie Pray June 14, 2011, 4:42 pm

      *reading the letter, not “ready” the letter

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    katiebird June 14, 2011, 3:56 pm

    1) MOA
    2) what are you doing writing to dear wendy two days after your wedding! you should be enjoying your honeymoon/newlywed wife! not worrying about your psycho EX friend!
    3) MOA MOA MOA MOA MOA MOA MOA

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      katiebird June 14, 2011, 5:42 pm

      *life, but i guess wife could work too!

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    melikeycheesecake June 14, 2011, 3:57 pm

    Holy ball shack! Seriously, LW… I mean seriously?! Yes you should stop being friends with her!!! That’s such a captain obvious question!

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    kerrycontrary June 14, 2011, 4:03 pm

    I wanna give the LW a break from everyone saying “how could you be so stupid to even have to write this letter in”. A lot of letters written to Wendy have obvious answers, whether its all of the commentors shouting “Get out of that relationshiP!” or “Your friend is a total mooch!”. Ending relationships, whether they are romantic or not, is really hard, and even harder for some people. LW, I think you did everything possible to save this friendship and obviously your friend is too invested in herself to positively contribute to your life. I would cut off contact starting now and just try to move forward. Sometimes, as we grow into adults (especially young adults, by my calculations you are 22) people change a lot from who they were in middle school or high school. It’s when you can finally make decisions on your own about where you want your life to go. Obviously your friend has chosen, as an adult, to lead a drama-filled life. You have not.

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      MissDre June 14, 2011, 4:09 pm

      Very well said!!!

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    • Chaotonic

      Chaotonic June 14, 2011, 4:10 pm

      Oh so close, I’m 23 🙂

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        Maracuya June 14, 2011, 4:55 pm

        Get off DW and enjoy your honeymoon! 😀 And like everyone else said, friendship is a two-way street. You sound like you did everything you could, I don’t think you should feel too badly.

        Also, awesome tattoo.

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        AKchic June 14, 2011, 6:47 pm

        Honey – you are letting her live rent-free in your head. Get the hell off the internet and enjoy your honeymoon before her drama ruins YOUR marriage!

        Yeesh.

        I bet your wedding and reception was better in her absence. Now absent her from your thoughts NOW and enjoy yourself and your new husband 🙂

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    • landygirl

      Landy June 14, 2011, 4:41 pm

      Excellent. BTW, in the letter, she said the friend was going to turn 24 within a few weeks.

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      ReginaRey June 14, 2011, 4:09 pm

      I agree with the idea that she might be holding on to the friendship based on who her friend once was, not who her friend is now. Sometimes people morph into someone pretty unrecognizable from the teen or young adult we grew to love, and it’s hard to reconcile that. You keep hoping they’ll “go back to the girl we loved” but you forget that this isn’t some temporary fluke, but who they ARE now.

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        MissD June 14, 2011, 11:53 pm

        OMG. That’s exactly what I was doing with my ex-husband. So hard not to do it, though…you want to believe that other person is still in there and will come back. Sometimes, though, their lesser half wins out, and they stay that way. Hard to come to terms with, but as they say, c’est la vie.

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    SaraRosie June 14, 2011, 4:07 pm

    Friendship is not a charity case….

    Someone once told me this about a very selfish friend I had. Friendship is give and take, if your doing all the giving it is not a friendship. I cut that selfish friend out of my life after one too many nights of her walking all over me, and it sounds like you need to do the same. You will feel a lot better after!!

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    TECH June 14, 2011, 4:10 pm

    Okay, so it’s obvious the letter writer needs to move on from this friendship. Everyone’s been pretty blunt about advising her to do so. But I can sympathize with her. It’s agonizing deciding to end a friendship, especially with a girlfriend you’ve had from childhood. Breaking up with a friend can even be more painful than breaking up with a guy, because as your best friend, you have years and years of history, and she’s supposed to be there for you.
    But “Brand New Wife”, you bent over backwards for your friend, and she failed you big time. It’s not like she cancelled on going to dinner together, she cancelled on being the Maid of Honor in your wedding. And not for a valid reason. She simply had a “bad vision” which her husband had to tell you about. She didn’t even have the guts.
    Clearly, this person has a few screws loose. And I know it’s painful to lose a close friend, I’ve been there. But if you continue a relationship with her, she will continue to wear you down and always put herself first. The end of this friendship is her fault, not yours. You need to protect yourself and start this new chapter in your life with a clean slate.

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    manbearpig June 14, 2011, 4:14 pm

    The LW has a problem.

    She expects people in the world to be like her – nice, respectful, reasonable, caring etc.

    I know from personal experience, nice people have a really hard time breaking ties with users, lowlifes, fair weather friends etc.

    It just does not compute. They don’t understand that there are assholes / bad people out there in the world, and somehow one of them got close to you.

    They are thinking “But WHY ? I am such a good _____. Maybe if i try even harder, they’ll like me”…”How can they do this to me”

    The simple answer does not make sense.

    If it has not happened to you, and you are just on the outside looking in, it is easy to roll your eyes and dismiss the LWs dilemma.

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      Teresa June 14, 2011, 5:28 pm

      This is so so true. Some people *ahem* have a hard time understanding that the world isn’t “fair” … and when trying to be “fair” with everyone else, often times you end up screwing yourself.

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      Neil G. June 15, 2011, 11:29 am

      GRONN!!!

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    Meg June 14, 2011, 4:17 pm

    Honestly? Sounds like the friend has a major mental health issue of some sort going on. That’s not just a normal, selfish person’s behavior. That said, it’d be one thing if she were getting help, but it sounds like she’s just continuing down the path of being a nutcase- cut your losses and get out while you can. It doesn’t mean you wish ill of her- just that you can’t let her drag you down with her when she’s so obviously a mess.

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    SGMcG June 14, 2011, 4:17 pm

    As a member of our armed services yourself (thank you for your duty, BTW), I’m surprised that you even supported her through her deplorable behavior of cheating on her husband while he was deployed in Iraq. Now that you’re newly married yourself (congratulations on your recent nuptials, BTW), do you want to be around someone who thinks so little of duties to her child, her husband and to YOU as her maid of honor? If she can’t even give you a day on your day, don’t even bother giving her ten more years of your time. MOA PLEASE.

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      honeybeenicki June 14, 2011, 4:42 pm

      Completely agree. I had a dorm-mate in college who was cheating on her deployed Marine boyfriend and that’s just deplorable.

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    Dave Jay June 14, 2011, 4:30 pm

    Don’t MOA. RAAFAYCADLB!!
    (Run Away As Fast As You Can And Don’t Look Back)

    I wonder if that will catch on? 🙂

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    • Budj

      Budjer June 14, 2011, 4:36 pm

      I don’t know…it sounds like something the sand people would say from star wars

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        AKchic June 14, 2011, 6:49 pm

        Bonus awesome points there for the Sand People reference.

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    ReginaRey June 14, 2011, 3:39 pm

    Oh HELL NAW. Seriously, if this is the drama she has caused solely during your wedding, what else are you going to have to put up with if you continue to associate yourself with this “friend?”

    My advice is to treat this almost like a breakup with a boyfriend – you need a 100% clean break. No texting, no phone calls, no Facebook messaging, nothing. If you want to close the door on all the drama, you can’t leave a crack open for her to shove herself through. Don’t communicate with her at all, even though it might hurt at first. And though you might, because you seem like a very patient and kind person, don’t feel guilty. This woman was a TERRIBLE friend to you, and breaking up with her is justified.

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  • Tracey

    Tracey June 14, 2011, 5:07 pm

    I may be wrong, but the LW sounds like she thrives on drama as much as the former friend. It was clear from the word go that the friend was not going to be reliable, so I wonder why LW put herself in this position in the first place. I hope LW moves on and surrounds herself with better friends.

    My hunch tells me she won’t.

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      SpaceySteph June 14, 2011, 5:14 pm

      I don’t see where you get that at all. If you have had a friend for most of your life, its very hard to drop them, even if your best judgement is screaming for you to do so. Sometimes you need a sanity check, someone removed from the situation to tell you either you are expecting too much from your friend or that you are right and she’s a crazy bitch.
      I don’t read this as the LW thriving on drama, but I do think she is reluctant to drop a long friend just because of the drama. Do it, LW, you deserve better and you illustrated alot of why in your letter.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 6:26 pm

        She clearly REVELED in the drama in that all along the way her Maid of Honor showed absolutely ZERO interest in actually fulfilling her duties. Zero. Zip. None. No dress was purchased. No shoes. No hotel reservations. Nothing. It seems to me that ANY sensible person would have simply given up such a hopelessly lost cause much earlier…and then not had to go through the frantic ordeal of last minute panic — all the desperate fundraising efforts and the like. The whole thing makes me wonder about the sanity of ALL involved to be perfectly blunt.

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        Rachelgrace53 June 14, 2011, 8:33 pm

        She did purchase the dress…

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        plasticepoxy June 15, 2011, 3:39 pm

        The LW may have gotten an adrenaline rush due to drama in her friend’s life, or perhaps it is like one of the previous posters stated and she is having a hard time reconciling who her friend is NOW with who her friend used to be.

        I used to be a doormat in relationships, romantic and otherwise. Not because I got off on being used, or the drama that can accompany people who are comfortable using others, but because I’m a good person and expected the same of other people. And because I kept making that mistake with each new relationship. You can bet I’m more careful now, but if you’re down on your luck, I’ll try to help you because I think that’s what we should do for each other. Maybe that’s a “Pollyanna” worldview, but it’s what I would hope for if I were in need of help.

        I’ve been burned by users in the past (ahem, 5 yr abusive relationship?), so I’ve set up “rules” to protect myself. That doesn’t mean it would be any easier for me to look at a long-term friendship and say, “She isn’t who she was; who she is now doesn’t mesh with who I am or my values, so she can shove off”. I would hem and haw about making that choice too (ahem, 5 yr abusive relationship?). I think I have an emotional filter on when I look at things and it’s very hard for me to remove that filter and be objective at times.

        I’m coming across very naive, and I hope people will recognize that I’m not a complete pushover, just that I relate to the struggle of letting go of a relationship that wasn’t what you thought it was. Many times people who are users are skilled at phrasing their statements, which means, at least for me, that I don’t realize I’ve been fed a line until it’s too late. I think that may have been what happened here. Her friend gave her line after line, and she believed her friend. We shouldn’t rake her over the coals for trusting her friend; this is a hard lesson to learn without people telling you that you’re drama-seeking or stupid for not seeing the “truth” earlier.

        I do agree that LW caused herself unnecessary stress by continuing to count on her friend when her friend told her not to (raising money for her friend), but disagree that she’s responsible for not knowing her friend wasn’t interested from the beginning; after all she DID buy the dress and have it altered, as well as verbally confirmed she would be making hotel reservations, etc. At that point she seemed like a procrastinator, not someone who was obviously not interested in participating.

        I also agree (at least I think I’m agreeing) that the friend had shown what kind of person she was already (a selfish user) and if the LW had been able to look at things objectively she may have seen the outcome sooner rather than, what, 2 days before the wedding?

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        plasticepoxy June 15, 2011, 3:39 pm

        holy post batman!

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    • Tracey

      Tracey June 15, 2011, 3:46 pm

      SpaceySteph, I got it from the way the LW went above and beyond for this friend – changing plans, raising money, etc. – who at every opportunity ignored or disregarded the LW’s accommodations, then refused to talk to the friend. The turning point came around the time of the Facebook post about not being able to make the wedding – without a call to the LW. That’s a cut and run point, but what does LW do? Start to raise more money, attempt to plead with the friend, and put herself through unnecessary stress up to, through, and after the wedding. (Remember, she was writing this letter two days after her wedding.) To me, that says LW was kind of getting some sort of charge from all the drama – drama she could’ve ended back in May when it was clear the friend wasn’t going to step up. Especially given this friend’s personal history.

      My opinion may not be popular, and I may be wrong, but I stand by it. It’s unfortunate what happened with LW, but to me, she is partially responsible for this situation. I hope she cuts the friend loose because it’s clear that this relationship is toxic and very one sided, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t and some similar situation ends up happening again.

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    lk June 14, 2011, 5:28 pm

    Obviously, even the LW wouldn’t be able to know this for sure at this point but, “psychotic, vision having” sounds more descriptive of someone with a drug problem or a mental health issue than a mere drama queen.

    MOA, for sure, at least as far as counting on this woman for anything is concerned.

    However, I think it would be great to give her a call (and possibly put in a second call to her husband or another trusted family member, since you’ve known her for so long) and just explain that, yes, you’re hurt and yes, she let you down but also tell her that you’ve noticed that she doesn’t seem to be functioning very well and has she seen a therapist to deal with the multitude of problems in her life. Since it sounds like she is in the military, these care options should be readily available to her.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 6:15 pm

    Okay, yikes. The former friend sounds like a bad Lifetime TV Movie character to be sure. Yikes. That said, the LW comes off as more than a little clueless, too. This girl never expressed any REAL interest in being in the wedding. She “dragged her heels, bitched, cried, and complained.” In other words, your former best friend was pretty much a real pain about it. Also in other words… you REALLLLLLLLLLY can’t take a hint. The whole tone of your letter is so needy and desperate and pathetic, it begs the question, did you ever even once offer her an out? Or did you just assume that she was simply dying to be in your wedding? All along the way she was sending up HUGE red flags… Not once did you ever REALLY bother to ask her what was up. Hell, nowhere in your letter do I see any sign that you even asked her if she wanted to be in your wedding… Instead you just say that bridemaids were chosen. Chosen VERY poorly, I might add.

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    • landygirl

      Landy June 14, 2011, 6:29 pm

      I usually like your posts, but I can’t get behind you on this one. In my view, the LW was doing everything she could to accomodate the friend, someone who had been her friend for a decade. If the friend didn’t want to be in the wedding, she should have said so instead of waiting until the amen before cancelling ON FACEBOOK, not even bothering to call the bride herself.

      I’d be happy to have the bride as my friend, she seems very kind and caring.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 6:35 pm

        Everything except realize that the last thing in the world her whack-job of a friend apparently wanted to do was be in her wedding. Look, the friend in question is no friend in deed. But the LW put herself into this mess by refusing to see the obvious… Right from the start the friend whined and complained about how she only got married at a courthouse and another bridesmaid had to tell her to knock it off. NEWSFLASH! Little Miss Psycho didn’t want to be in your wedding! Only a fool could fail to recognize this… The LW brought all this on herself by refusing to accept reality. You know what? When you are friends with people that are batshit crazy, you really can’t be all that surprised when they then pull some batshit crazy on you.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 6:19 pm

    Hah, of course I already got a thumbs down. It seems certain people constantly empathize with the LW’s no matter how utterly stupid or inept their tale of woe is.

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      AnitaBath June 14, 2011, 6:58 pm

      Or maybe people just constantly disagree with your negative tone and cruel wording.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 7:05 pm

        Could be. But I am not a big fan of those who revel in pointless self created drama. Proof positive that the LW is doing this is the sheer simple fact that this letter even exists. There is no logical reason to have written it otherwise. I mean, is there ANYBODY out there who would wrestle with ending this friendship? Seriously? No. Instead, it was written so she could tell this tale yet again —- and to a much broader audience, I might add —- Her tried and true tale in which she appears to be perhaps the most put upon bride ever. Wahhhh, I did everything I could so she could be there…. Wah! I offered to pay for the dress and shoes! Wah! I actually DID pay for the dress and the shoes! Wah! I frantically raised money by borrowing it from everybody I know just so she could come! Wah!!!!!

        Look, I’m sorry, but this was all so self created. She clearly revels in drama. The last thing she wanted out of this letter was getting any REAL advice. Instead, she wanted sympathy…. Which she has GOTTEN in SPADES from many of you… But, curiously…. she didn’t get any from Wendy. Curious. Think about it.

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        AnitaBath June 14, 2011, 7:17 pm

        “I mean, is there ANYBODY out there who would wrestle with ending this friendship?”

        Duh, yes. It’s not easy to end friendships, especially when you’ve been friends with the person for half of your lifetime. Even if it’s glaringly obvious and she knows she should end it (which is disputable), sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else. Many people in the comments have echoed these sentiments, and even if the obvious conclusion is to end the friendship, there are multiple ways to go about doing so. The woman is on the second day of her honeymoon. Either the sex is horrible and she has nothing else to do, or it’s something that has been weighing on her mind and she felt the need to talk to a third party about it.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 7:23 pm

        Okay. Wow. Well, what can I say? I guess I have higher standards. You have here — a woman who abandoned her child for all intents and purposes. Then plots vaguely to make a new one weeks later for no good reason. She also regularly cheats on her husband who is overseas putting his life on the line for the rest of us… all the while constantly DRAINING his bank account. Oh, and this supposed “best friend” totally fucks the LW over when it comes to her dream wedding… Look, I am sorry but the fact that any of you are so desperate to cling to your friendships that you would even put up with somebody who frankly sounds very much like the textbook definition of a socialpath is definitely an issue you might want to closer examine. Seriously.

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        AnitaBath June 14, 2011, 7:33 pm

        I find it somewhat ironic you’re so critical of people that you think write into advice columnists for “drama”, and yet it seems you frequent said advice columns for the sole purpose of verbally tearing them down in a very, very non-constructive way. Just another form of drama, no?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 7:47 pm

        Actually, I keep hoping to WAKE people up to the fact that they can make positive changes in their life, but that it truly must start with them. Time and time again, this column is filled with woe-is-me victims who seemingly have gone out of their way to be victimized… But as my point of view tends to fall on deaf ears around here for the most part, I think it may be a good time for a little break.

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        AnitaBath June 14, 2011, 7:53 pm

        Ripping someone a new asshole and painting them as a pathetic fool almost always has the opposite effect, as does encouraging someone to make positive changes with completely negative language. It comes across that you don’t care about the LW at all, and instead just use them as fodder for your rants, which doesn’t seem like it would make them very receptive.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 7:57 pm

        The people that write the letters are all too often (this one especially) beyond all hope. It’s the rest of you, I am hoping to reach. That said, I would probably be better off teaching algebra to raccoons, I’ve come to realize. There I might actually see some results.

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        AnitaBath June 14, 2011, 8:06 pm

        Point proven.

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        ArtsyGirly June 14, 2011, 8:16 pm

        umm ouch

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        Dave Jay June 14, 2011, 10:52 pm

        Just want to thank BGM for taking the heat this week. At first I was jealous, then I realized that it’s almost Wednesday and I haven’t pulled all of my hair out yet. Keep up the good work!

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      • meadowphoenix

        Citygirl June 15, 2011, 6:54 pm

        Mark, many times you seem to have no respect for other people and yet seem to believe that your comments on the other hand deserve respect regardless of their tone or sentiments because they are imbibed with a debateable amount of truthiness. I am not saying that you have any obligation to respect other people or that there aren’t any times when the gist of your comments are exactly what the LW needs. However using this method and expecting it to be effective seems like the height of foolishness and stating that your method should be effective despite all evidence to the contrary seems sometimes like you’re kinda hopeless.

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        MissDre June 15, 2011, 9:01 am

        I just have to say that AnitaBath, I have your back 100% right here.

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        Tree_gal June 15, 2011, 10:18 pm

        Sorry man, you just totally got called on your shit. Looking at this, and all your old posts, its pretty clear you love to ruffle people’s feathers. You always think in black and white, always have a negative tone, and always respond defensively to ANY criticism (can’t wait to see what you have to say to me!). You may think you are saying things in a selfless, tough love manner, but let’s be real here honey, you love you some drama. Not to say you are always (or even often) wrong, but there is a way to say things clearly and considerately, and then there’s your way.

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        misslisa June 15, 2011, 3:49 pm

        Mark – Right on brother, you nailed it! You have wonderfully and colorfully summarized what I’ve been thinking while reading all this (but was too perplexed by it all to form a succinct comment).

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    Quakergirl June 14, 2011, 7:29 pm

    As Wendy has said before, you need to be a friend to have a friend. This girl has in no way been a friend to you, so I’d say she’s the one who’s already moved on from your friendship. You, on the other hand, have gone above and beyond the call of duty to make her life (and the lives of your other bridesmaids/friends) easier and more comfortable. At a time when many women turn into self-centered bridezillas, you seem to have kept your cool and remained gracious and thoughtful. There are tons of wonderful women out there who would be lucky to have you as a friend, and one man who’s now lucky to have you as a wife. Congrats, and cheers to a drama free newlywed year!

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    Blondie June 14, 2011, 7:34 pm

    I have to say the part that keeps bothering me about this letter (I mean beyond that it was two days after LW’s wedding…) is the fact that there is even any doubt in letting this girl go. Normally I would say that it is time to give her the direct cut, but it sounds like LW’s friend is already in the process of doing that. The friend has already put this friendship so far in the past she doesn’t even bother to make excuses, but instead leaves them up to her cuckholded husband. This isn’t just MOA, but forget it existed, obviously the friend has.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 7:35 pm

    Actually, Quakergirl, I have to disagree on you on one key point. Frantically ringing up your mother-in-law-to-be and all but demanding money (to the tune of a thousand bucks–no less!!) so your deadbeat, psychopathic loser of a maid of honor can be there in the eleventh hour strikes me as VERY Bridezilla. But, again, I am sure I will stand alone here.

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      Quakergirl June 14, 2011, 8:41 pm

      I disagree, only because we don’t know all the facts. None of us has any idea how those conversations went. For all we know she called her mother-in-law to say “Maid of Honor can’t make it, this is a logistical nightmare and I’m really hurt” and her mother-in-law suggested they come up with the cash. Some people actually like their mother-in-law and call them just to chat/figure things out. It’s also harsh to say she demanded the money from her mother-in-law when she said that she and the mother-in-law raised the money together. We don’t know whether that means they cut costs elsewhere in the wedding, took out money from savings, or some other solution. It sounds more likely that she and her mother-in-law both made some cuts or personal investments, but it doesn’t sound like she called and threw a tantrum til her mother-in-law caved. Maybe she did, I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound like someone who would offer to pay for everyone’s dresses would demand her mother-in-law give her a grand at the drop of a hat.

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      Debbie June 14, 2011, 8:42 pm

      Yeah, I agree, BitterGayMark, I got that she was kinda feeding on the drama too. LW is not batshit crazy like her friend and she probably doesn’t have a drama-filled life, but she does seem to find a certain amount of drama entertaining. That’s not terrible, other people’s drama can be fun, as long as you don’t let it impact you. But that’s why rather than just forgetting about the friend while on her honeymoon, she’s obsessing over it, writing a long letter to DW, and agonizing about having this huge breakup with the friend.

      Many of the behaviors listed in this letter (cheating on her deployed husband, giving up her son) are horrendous and would have been enough for me to stop wanting to be around someone, much less have her as my maid of honor. And I think LW should think about why she wanted a person like this to be in her wedding. I understand they’ve been friends for a long time, but time invested isn’t a good basis for friendship, there must be more.

      But separate from that, this girl gave no indication of being able to be responsible to be part of your wedding. You should have recognized that and not asked her to be in your wedding and then when it was clear she wasn’t following through, you should have politely let her to step aside. And when she finally did try to back out, you should have let her, rather than dumping this drama on your mom-in-law-to-be. But, hey, hindsight is 20/20, so don’t beat yourself up or freak out about it, just look at this as a learning experience moving forward when determining who your real friends are.

      I wouldn’t make it a big deal — no big break up conversations, I’d just let it die out, not return calls or texts very often, and when you do talk, be polite, but let the calls end quickly. i think you’ll find you’ll just drift out of each other’s lives pretty easily once you stop investing time and energy in keeping it up.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 8:47 pm

        Finally, another Voice of Reason.

        @Quakergirl. You may be right. But in the absence of any evidence to the contrary, i suspect that the LW was probably very bridezilla about the money raising.

        Sidenote: I remained somewhat shocked that so few seem to think that the LW was a fool to pick such a terrible Maid Of Honor. Or that she was painfully slow to figure out that the friend would flake. To me it would have been obvious since she first dragged her feet…

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        Quakergirl June 14, 2011, 9:04 pm

        I suppose that’s where we differ. I see evidence that would suggest the contrary in her interactions with the other people in the wedding, and I choose to assume the best until I can prove otherwise. Nothing else makes her seem like a bridezilla to me– just the opposite– so I don’t see why she would be here. You see her as a drama queen for asking her longtime best friend to be in her wedding and wanting her there even though she’s flaky/borderline crazy, so you see her as causing drama by pitching a fit for the money to keep the drama with her friend alive. I guess I just see her side of things, in that she wants her friend there because they’re longtime friends. Not all friends are perfect, but sometimes you still want to keep them in your life. I’ve had horrible, crazy friends, too, but I made an effort to salvage the friendship beyond what was probably reasonable until I just couldn’t anymore. It sounds like the LW is just now realizing that it isn’t healthy be friends with this girl anymore, but we all make mistakes and I choose to believe that she didn’t love the drama– she loved her friend, or at least what she remembers her friend to be. Now she realizes the friendship is causing too many issues/hurt, but I can’t blame her for wanting to try.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 9:17 pm

        There is a BIG difference between keeping someone in your life and insisting that they be your maid of honor. Especially when EVERY action the maid in question has done has only underscored the fact that she doesn’t rate your wedding very high on her list of priorities… The LW was living in a fantasy world if she really expected that her friend would NOT disappoint her in my book.

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        Quakergirl June 14, 2011, 9:58 pm

        Here’s the thing– we don’t know every action the maid of honor took. All we really know is that she is flaky and couldn’t get her shit together in the end. I’m not saying the LW made a smart choice in having her friend as Maid of Honor, but maybe the friend said she was up for it at the beginning and then flaked as usual. Maybe the Maid of Honor wasn’t really that big of a role at all (not everyone uses their Maid of Honor as their personal secretary) and she thought it would be a nice gesture to name her best friend of 10 years. And even if she should have known, I just don’t think that living in a fantasy world and wanting to believe the best would happen makes the LW a drama queen or worthy of being called a bridezilla. It just makes her human.

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        SweetChild June 15, 2011, 1:37 am

        Debbie you give very reasonable advice, sounds just like what my mum would say!

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    • Chaotonic

      Chaotonic June 14, 2011, 9:38 pm

      I actually rang my mother in law to inform her of what had happened and the possibility of having to change somethings around i.e programs, Rehersal dinners, and the seating chart since she was already in TN. My mother in law was very set in having not to change everything and it would have been cheaper to just bring her to TN, so TOGETHER (keyword here) we had about $1000.00 to do it. I never demanded the money, it was offered. Though I’m sure if I had demanded the money she probably wouldn’t have said yes. I know I wouldn’t have.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 14, 2011, 10:02 pm

        Good to know… I would have just let the programs be slightly off (seating charts be damned) and explained to everybody why…

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    ArtsyGirly June 14, 2011, 8:00 pm

    your wedding did not ruin your friendship – your friend ruined your friendship (nuff said)

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    WatersEdge June 14, 2011, 8:36 pm

    I think everyone else pretty much covered it from lots of different angles, but I want to make one additional point. Even the best marriages are fragile, and you’re married now. I personally have the opinion that if you want your marriage to thrive, you need to remove people from your life who either A) blatantly disrespect your marriage, or B) spit in the face of marriage in general. I refuse to associate with people who cheat on their husbands. It’s just bad for business. It takes a village to keep a marriage alive, and you really don’t need people who cheat on their husbands while deployed in your village.

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    RoyalEagle0408 June 14, 2011, 8:41 pm

    I have friends who have done things I disagree with, including cheating. However, I would have dumped this girl the second she started messing around with her husband’s best friend while he was deployed. That’s my rule- you don’t cheat on your deployed SO. End of story.

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    Kat June 14, 2011, 11:31 pm

    LW, you’ve literally done everything possible to save this relationship and this woman just doesn’t care. If it makes you feel any better, I was in a wedding last year, where I was going to be a bridesmaid. The bride had made our dresses and shawls by hand, and had told us of the wedding 16 months in advance as it was in Boston (and we were all from CA). I kid you not, two months before the wedding, the maid of honor calls and says she can’t make it because of finances. A month before the wedding, where is she living? Montreal, about a 3 hour drive from Boston. She sent tons of apologies and lots of facebooks right before and after the wedding, but a month after the wedding – nothing. Barely a line on facebook or a text. Now almost a year later, she didn’t even make time to see the bride when she was in town for two weeks. Bottom line LW, you gave this woman every single chance to be your best friend, and she just couldn’t care enough to get in the car you had arranged for her. You’re much better off without her!

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    Debbie June 15, 2011, 2:44 am

    I read an article a while back that said this kind of thinking (to stay friends just because we’ve been friends forever) is called “sunk cost fallacy.” “I’ve already sunk this much time/effort/money/energy into a relationship/friendship/investment, so i just have to continue to see this through.” It puts an inappropriate amount of value on the investment to date, rather than really looking at the reality of the current situation and where it’s going and making judgements based on that. It’s totally normal and human nature to feel drawn to staying in a relationship based on sunk cost, but you have to be rational and not get hung up on that or you can get stuck. We all must evaluate our relationships based on their current reality, not on how much time and energy we’ve already spent on them or on how we wish they’d be.

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    Cporoski June 15, 2011, 6:02 am

    I hope you read this. I want you to know that you should just cut your losses and leave. However, I want to know if you called her parents in this mess. You have been friends since you were six so you must know them well. Did they have any insight? Were they invited to the event? I have known people who have had this happen and normally they get a text message because the person is too scared to talk in person. But I want to know what this girl’s family had to say.

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      lk June 15, 2011, 10:58 am

      I think LW’s friend needs very serious counseling & I think the friend’s family should be the LW’s go-to to discuss it since she’s known her for a long time & assumedly has a good relationship with them.

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    evanscr05 June 15, 2011, 7:47 am

    I think sometimes people forget that just because you have known someone since childhood and the relationship changes, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. People grow and our lives take different directions, and sometimes that comes at the cost of people who were once close to us.I have a friend I have known since I was 1 years old, we are now turning 28. I will always love her and cherish our friendship, but that relationship is no longer prevalent in either of our lives, and that’s perfectly okay. We grew up and apart just by the natural course of life. You can still cherish the bond you had with your Matron of Honor without holding onto a one-sided friendship. Friends are supposed to be people who give and take as is necessary, and it is painfully obvious that at this juncture in your lives, your friend is all about the take. If she cannot give to you for the occasions that YOU need to take a little, it is not a friendship. That is okay! Your wedding absolutely, 100% did NOT cause the down fall of this friendship, though it certainly showed her true colors.

    I’ll also add that I was bothered by one thing in your letter. I’m a bride, myself (2.5 months!!!) and I could never fathom having to “replace” someone because their finances precluded them from being there (though, I do realize in this case it’s more than just her finances). One of my bridesmaids recently moved to Hawaii because her husband is in the Navy (I live, and am getting married, in Virginia, which is also where she’s from) and she called me up a few months back to tell me she was having a rough time finding a job and probably couldn’t make it to my wedding. She felt awful and wanted to give me enough notice so I could find someone to replace her. I told her that I didn’t ask her to be in my wedding because of proximity, I asked because she’s an important person in my life. I told her if she couldn’t make it, she would still be my bridesmaid and she would still be in the program, even if I had to add a little note that she was unable to attend. She’s NOT replaceable. Honestly, though I know it was close to the date and things had already been printed (your friend clearly being in the wrong, I absolutely do not deny that), there would have been ways to make it work without her. Replacing her sends a message to her that she’s not important (though, she may not be now), and to the replacement that she wasn’t important enough for the first draft. I think if I was ever asked to stand in for someone at the last minute, I’d say yes, but I would absolutely be a little hurt. Nothing you can do about it now, but just my $0.02.

    Cut the cords and run from this friendship. You do not need that kind of drama in your life. And before I forget, CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage! This is an exciting time in your life, so forget this chick and enjoy your new life as a married woman!

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    RavageMaladie June 15, 2011, 7:52 am

    Your friend seems to be all about…your friend.

    What is Facebook? A social platform that you try to look good on. So she apologized THERE (to whom?) about ‘letting her best friend down’…and NOT TO YOU?? I’m getting a reality TVish creating-drama-for-drama’s-sake-and being-the-center-of-attention-vibe from all this and it’s making me really mad. Your wedding shouldn’t have been about her in the first place. Especially not since you seem a super loyal and generous friend.

    Please find a best friend who appreciates it.

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      RoyalEagle0408 June 15, 2011, 8:18 am

      Yeah, the “I wanted to post it before I called you” bit was a little too much for me.

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    Wendy June 15, 2011, 8:47 am

    Did I miss the part about what a great friend she was to you? Block her calls, unfriend her on facebook, erase her from your memory.

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    LeahW. June 15, 2011, 9:25 am

    I know it feels like a mistake to end a decades-long friendship, but the REAL mistake was staying friends with her for so long. It’s natural that you wish the best for her and hope that she learns to make better choices and generally grows up and becomes a responsible adult, but you can do all those things from afar. There is absolutely nothing that you can do to help her become a better person, which she desperately needs to do, and she’s proven in pretty spectacular ways that she’s incapable of being any kind of friend to you. Send her one final email, explaining that while you love her and wish her the best you cannot continue a friendship after she let you down on one of the most important days of your life, and cut all contact. Block on Facebook, don’t respond to emails or calls, and don’t accept messages through mutual friends. Frankly, whether or not she can admit it to herself, she made the choice to end the friendship as soon as she decided not to get on that plane. MOA.

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    MsMisery June 15, 2011, 9:49 am

    I thought weddings were supposed to make the BRIDE go howl-at-the-moon crazy, not the bride’s friend. There’s no PC way to put this, LW, but your friend is a basket-case. Loonier than a toon. Crazier than a shit-house rat. BEYOND what any normal person should have to put up with in terms of quirkiness and neuroses. You should remove her from your life and she should be evaluated by a professional (and her husband needs to divorce her ASAP, and if he doesn’t, HE needs his head shrunk, too).

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    Rachel June 15, 2011, 9:59 pm

    When I got married, nearly a year ago, I lost two “friends” in the pre-wedding planning stages. Neither were lost as a result of actual wedding planning, the occasion just seemed to highlight the…incompatibilities between us. Sure, I was disappointed, and I think about them every now and then, but I don’t miss the drama they wrought.

    I think there are certain milestones in life when we all require amore than the usual touch-and-go support (weddings, births, funerals, relocations, new jobs, losing jobs, breakups, etc.). It’s easy to be “friends” or friendly when the limits of our relationships aren’t being tested. It seems, more often than not, in these letters from brides or bridesmaids that their friendships are being strained, disintegrating, or already broken. What I mean to say is that when we’re embarking upon new stages in our life, it’s important to think about who we want to stand beside us. And these stages are useful for helping us weed them out. You come out of the zaniness with a greater appreciation for the people who decided to jump in and had fun with or were there for you.

    The decision was easy for me. I didn’t want to have people in my life who would drag me down, and they didn’t care enough to object. Obviously, it was best for all of us. I think, LW, the decision should be easy for you, too. Do you want this trainwreck to be involved in this new chapter of your life? She sounds far too exhausting, though really skilled at mucking things up. And it’s evident that you’ve already put far too much interest into that friendship than you’re ever gonna get out. I understand that writing into Dear Wendy may have been a cathartic way to vent and help you sort out how you feel, but I think you’ve known the answer all along.

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    danielle June 16, 2011, 3:55 pm

    She sounds toxic. Stay away from her.

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